The Best Time I Drank My Friend's Contact Lenses
I spent my junior year of college studying in Italy in a program that encouraged us to travel as much as possible, so after a field trip to Naples, many of us made plans one weekend to tour southern Italy. After seeing the ruined city of Pompeii, three friends and I checked into a hotel in Sorrento. We were excited because our room, which had two sets of bunkbeds, had a miniature patio attached to it. My friend Chris and I posed for photos on said patio before we headed out to carouse with our other friends.
I wasn’t feeling well that night so we stopped in a Farmacia to find some cold medicine. My Italian wasn’t strong enough to discern whether my meds were the type one could drink on, but Chris, who I should mention was kind of an asshole, told me not to be a pussy and go ahead.
So, we drank several bottles of wine at dinner, and then we drank more afterwards at a bar with some friends. In fact, we all got pissed. I remember sweet little Iona, who hailed from New Jersey, going berserk when we met an Italian guy who asked us the following joke:
“What’s the difference between trash and a Jersey Girl?”
“Trash gets taken out once a week.”
It was on the way back from the bar that I realized something was wrong. I very quickly went from feeling buzzed to feeling very, very intoxicated. However, I was with a bunch of people who were also very, very intoxicated so nobody seemed to notice or care. There was a party in our room, everyone screaming and yelling, which was fine, until I suddenly realized I either had to go to bed or throw up and everyone had to leave. Immediately.
We tossed everyone out of the room which we needed to do anyway since we had to catch the hydrofoil to Capri early the next day. We all headed to bed, me putting on the hospital scrubs I used for pajamas and climbing up to the top bunk.
I tried to sleep for a while when suddenly it became apparent: I was going to throw up. It was imminent. It was just a matter of when. The problem was that Chris, the asshole, thought it would be funny to remove the ladder from the top bunk of the bed. I’d have to yell to him to wake up (hence waking up Iona and our other roommate Emily in the process) or jump down. However, there was no way I could hold my barf, jump down, and then make it to the toilet.
For some reason I decided to be polite at this moment in time: I held my shirt away from my body and vomited into it. ThenI jumped down. Everyone was still passed out, so my plan of being unnecessarily polite was working.
There was no way I was going to travel with a set of pukey pajamas, so I threw the soiled scrubs onto the patio we had earlier enjoyed so much. I wasn’t so clean myself, so I washed away my shame in the shower. Afterwards, I was spent and dehydrated, so I re-got ready for bed, gratefully gulping down some glasses of water that were on the sink.
Finally, I fell asleep.
The next morning we needed to hustle to catch the hydrofoil but I wasn’t feeling bright and alert, so I stalled as long as I could before leaving bed. Iona and Emily packed, and somewhere in the haze I heard Emily complaining about how she couldn’t find something, but my brain was a black hole and I couldn’t focus.
“Y’all, I can’t find mah contact linses,” Emily, who hailed from Mississippi, said again. None of us really paid attention.
“I had ‘em right here on the sink,” she said. Then she told some story about how she couldn’t find her contact lenses case the night before, so had stored her contacts in two drinking glasses.
Suddenly it occurred to me. But I didn’t want it to be true. I liked Emily a lot. She had never done anything wrong to me. She was no Chris. And as a nearly-blind person myself, I knew how lost one could be without their lenses.
I scrunched down in the covers. “Emily?” I said. “I have to tell you something. This will be funny in several years, I promise.” I told her the story of the night before.
“You drank my contact linses,” she said, a statement more than a question. I don’t think she was even that angry, just amazed.
“How did you drink saline solution and think it was water?” asked Iona, and I had to explain that when you’re so sick that vomiting inside your own pajamas seems like a good idea, anything is possible.
Claire Zulkey is the author of AN OFF YEAR, published by Dutton in 2009 and selected by Indie Booksellers for the Autumn 2009 Kids' Indie Next List and nominated as one of the ALA’s 2010 Best Books for Young Adults. Since 2003 Claire has run the blog Zulkey.com, which has been mentioned in places like the New Yorker and USA Today. She is a television critic and contributor to the Los Angeles Times and AV Club. She lives in Chicago, where she hosts the literary humor reading series Funny Ha-Ha.
I hope she had spares!
This is hilarious. Next time, barf on Chris. In fact, go over to chris's now chugging cold medicine and wine and make this happen.
@Gnatalby I had one spare! Which I offered to her. I can't remember if she took it or not. I actually saw Emily this summer at our ten-year reunion and she didn't punch me in the face.
You know, all the salt in that saline solution probably helped your hangover, if anything. Silver linings!
@kimkrypto this was exactly what i thought when i read it
Not to turn this into another hangover discussion, but I am significantly amazed at people who are able to drink when they have a cold/are otherwise sick. You people are troopers.
@melis I find that drinking in moderation makes me feel better and helps me sleep. But then, I do come from two sets of grandparents who firmly believed in the healing powers of a hot toddy with pleeeeeenty of whiskey in there, so.
@melis I KNOW. When I studied abroad for a year in Europe I got a cold every other week (Old World diseases!!!) and was always much more inclined to talk the farmacista into selling me some codeine cough syrup (the phrase you need to memorize in that language is "I have a dry cough and can't sleep" which in Spanish is "tengo una tos seca que no me deja dormir"), bundle myself up and stay in bed. The people who would go out for tapas then shots then drinks and be out until 5 am with a bad cold amazed me.
@melis When I have a cold I drink tea with whiskey and honey. Either it makes me feel better or makes me not care. Either works.
@melis It helped that I was 20 years old! I can't even EAT the same things I did at that age, let alone drink.
@insouciantlover in the Netherlands the best I can get for a cold is nose spray. Nose spray! What the hell, I thought everything was legal here. Next time I'm home I'm bringing back REAL cold medicine.
@Tragically Ludicrous Nose spray? How the hell do you get high on nose spray???
@melis ah, it takes me back to Comic Con '07 (cool guy), when I genuinely thought it would be a good idea to gargle whiskey at the hostel bar every night to treat my cold/sore throat. I can follow my logic, but it's still stupid.
@insouciantlover Oh yeah Spain is the best for pharmacies handing out drugs. We went to Barcelona for New Year last year and I swear two of my friends spent 50% of the time in various pharmacies scoring codeine.
@insouciantlover I guess you just go get high on weed instead, but that won't help a cold! It will probably do the opposite! maybe I should just go to Spain for a bit and get some medicine/sun.
@rayray time well spent imo.
I mean it's either that or hanging out in alleyways looking for hashish, right?
@insouciantlover To be fair, those of us who did go with the "just power through it, don't let a cold slow you down, you're in Europe" method eventually stopped being able to think when it all caught up with us, and now we're checking in with "top 100 blah blah blah books" lists and confessing to having read none.
@rayray Is codeine hard to get in the US? You can scam it out of pharmacies here in Oz. They ask you why you need it, etc, but it's pretty easy to get.
Cold medicine in China. They have these Day/night pills called balck/white. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT drink while on those pills.
On the other hand, there are throat drops called Golden Throat which idek what's in them, but if you eat enough in a day, you feel like you are floating.
@Craftastrophies I live in the UK where I'm pretty sure you need a prescription to get your hands on any opiates. One of said friends was from the US where I think it depends on the state but you probably need a scrip there too? But we all lived in France at the time where I think it's not over the counter either, although my friend had a doctor who was the most ridiculous person and used to prescribe him basically anything he said he needed. I promise I am not a drug fiend, I have just had friends who are, and I am a pharmaceuticals geek so I take an interest.
Okay, but how awesome was Pompeii? Was it awesome? Was it SO AWESOME?
@Pixley Yes!! I know this makes me sound like an asshole but I'm actually going back in a few weeks–for the 3rd time!
@Pixley
Pompeii is awesome!
I saw this article and was like 'wait, when did my best friend start writing for the hairpin'?
Me and him were visiting his boyfriend in Austin and they had a horrible fight and broke up in the middle of the night. I dragged his drunk, sobbing ass to the nearest hotel, and didn't bring my contact case. The rest of the story goes, well, exactly the same as this one did.
This is not too uncommon, actually. My dad drank my brother's contacts one time on a family vacation. It's still a running joke in our family.
Also, who are these people who can get schwasted while sick/multiple times a week? I'm 22 and if I get super-drunk on a Friday I am down for the count for the rest of the weekend. I'm jealous of those of you with drinking stamina!
I have done the whole puking down the shirt thing also. Why does this seem like such a good idea when you are totally wasted and trying to be polite?
@Ginger Slap
Oh, the places that seem like appropriate puke receptacles when you're drunk. I once cleaned up after a friend who went the shirt route. It was vile and she still owes me for that.
I learned the hard way that a wire mesh will not decrease the amount of mess you have to clean up in the morning. I also learned that nothing you do will ever make that trash can clean again (how to get puke out of wire mesh, A Clean Person?)
@OhShesArtsy Err, that's a wire mesh trash can*. I should maybe not multitask Hairpin and answering the phone at work.
@OhShesArtsy Handbags. I had two roommates in college, one of whom methodically barfed in several of her purses. While trying to be polite. I didn't follow the logic, either.
@Ginger Slap I once drunkenly peed into a wire mesh trashcan! in my room! It held a little bit of it.
@Ginger Slap ooh, barf stories! My favorite! Okay, top three:
1) my nephew, didn't want to puke in the taxi cab, so threw up into his leather jacket sleeve (that's my boy!)
2) my pal, wrapped a curtain around her head and barfed
3) me, in a crowded bar, trapped behind a table and knew I couldn't clamber over everyone in time, so threw up into my empty pint glass. Not a spilled drop and amazed all my pals.
You're welcome!
@angermonkey One of my friends threw up in her purse so she wouldn't throw up on the interior of someone's car. Considerate if you ask me…
And once I threw up on a sleeping bag (no one was using) instead of the floor, for reasons unknown. The floor would have been easier to clean up.
@Ginger Slap Oh man, I've thrown up in plenty a pint glass.
This seems like the place where I can tell the story about how my (drunk and sleepwalking) man friend got up in the middle of the night and wandered into a closet because he thought it was the bathroom (and got mad at me when I insisted the closet wasn't the bathroom). When I guided him to the bathroom and he didn't come out post-peeing, I went back in and he was lying down in the bathtub because he "was told" to sleep in it.
I think this is probably part of an elaborate plot to convince me that we should live together.
@theharpoon Do we have the same ex-boyfriend?? One of my bf's in college actually tried to pee in my roommate's closet because he thought it was the bathroom. Yes, he was a winner. No idea why I broke up with that one………
@theharpoon
Can I tell a funny drunk pee story here, too? The first time a friend of mine got drunk we were all in dorms that had communal bathrooms. He left to go pee and came back with a look on his face that could be roughly described as epiphanic. Then this happened:
"Guys, you know when you're not drunk and you see a wall and think it would be great to pee on that??"
"Um, sure?"
"Guys! When you're drunk… you just pee on that wall!!"
"Where did you pee?!"
"I don't know, some wall."
@Ginger Slap
Picture it: Madison, Wisconsin. Spring of 2000. Earlier in the day, I'd tried a new flavor of Babcock Dairy ice cream that was deep Badger red with little caramel cows in it. Later that evening, I had about a truckload of screwdrivers.
3:30 in the morning, I'm in the top bunk with my boyfriend. My roommate is out of town as usual. I wake up with barely enough time to heave myself straight to the floor and point my face in the direction of the nearest receptacle, and end up puking in the wire mesh trash can. Which is resting next to my roommate's new camel trenchcoat. I realize my error in the morning when I see a pool of what looks like melted raspberry sherbet on the coat. The worst thing about puking when you're drunk is having to clean it up when you're still hungover. There is no lower feeling.
This story actually turned out OK because by some miracle that stain came out of the coat completely, and I never drank screwdrivers again, which is great because they are disgusting.
@koko I guess we don't have the same ex because I'm still dating him?
But really, I think it's probably kind of common but people just don't talk about it because they're so scared of pee.
This just confirms my belief that contacts are truly the Devil's spectacles, a punishment doled out to those who dare to defy their four-eyed fate, and the innocent bystanders they imperil.
@NatashaMcG Peripheral Vision > Punishment
@HeyThatsMyBike This may be true in general, but I have bad balance and depth perception plus a shit sense of direction. I'm screwed with or without peripheral vision, so I might as well have moist, comfortable eyes.
@NatashaMcG You are so wrong, contacts are a gift from the Lord Our God. Every time I wear my glasses for any longer than from the bathroom to the bed at night (and the opposite in the morning), I don't understand how people function in glasses all day, especially people with eyesight like mine. And I would never be able to drive without the Blessing of Contacts, since I have zero peripheral vision in glasses.
@thebestjasmine Preach, Jasmine. I don't know how people with eyesight as bad as mine are allowed to drive with glasses on given that you can't see about a quarter of what's going on.
@NatashaMcG I never thought about it, but my thick glasses might in part explain my poor parking skills?
My exbf used to keep his contacts in a water glass on my nightstand, and one morning he woke up thirsty and drank the whole cup before he realized. He tried to play it off, but I knew what happened. It was pretty hilarious (too bad he didn't puke, that would have been even better, but I'll take what I can get).
This was good! And it's exciting to see a writer on here my ignorant self actually recognizes.
I am from NJ and have a cousin named Iona!
A former co-worker of mine stayed over at his GF's house one night, and realized he'd forgotten his contact lens case. He did have some saline, though, so he put the lenses in the bottom of a glass and covered them with the saline (both the same prescription). In the middle of the night, he got up to pee and then gulpted down a drink of water + his lenses!
He had to drive home the next morning to get his glasses, and it was apparently quite a scary trip. Then the idiot rolled in to work late and *told us* exactly why he was late! I asked him if he was looking forward to having 20/20 hindsight.
Okay, now, who are these people who drink glasses of water that are just sitting around?
@Acrylic Disaster Drunk people.
Did you then puke on the hydrofoil boat? When I rode that same boat, about half the people on it barfed. And I bet they had not all puked in a shirt the night before!
@rocknrollunicorn My only time seeing Niagara Falls I was on the top level of the Maid of the Mist & this kid next to me puked over the side of the boat & onto this unsuspecting guy's head on the first level
I was so preoccupied with gagging & scrambling to get away that I missed out on most of the sightseeing.
@rocknrollunicorn "The Best Time I Puked On A Hydrofoil Boat After Puking In My Shirt And Then Drinking My Friend's Contact Lenses."
Hey, Evanston love! We once had couple-friends staying with us in DC and the guy got super drunk and drank the girl's contact lenses. She was so mad! I wore my glasses all weekend in solidarity. I always thought, a la Wedding Crashers, that contact solution would make you sick. But he passed out and was just hungover the next morning. Is it wrong that I was disappointed?
hahaha lol drank friends contact lenses
http://bit.ly/iPKIqZ