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Thursday, October 20, 2011

311

I'm So Sad I Could Eat a Horse! A Foodie's Guide to Eating Your Emotions

There is no problem that delicious food can’t solve. Unless of course the problem is that there is no food. But here are my top five food recommendations for when you’re feeling blue.

1. Strawberry Cheesecake, or I’m a meaningless particle in a godless universe.

Sometimes I leave the house and I’m like, “I know I’m missing something.” And then I realize, “Oh yeah, a purpose!” I hate feeling like a tiny speck in a vast abyss. But man, do I love cake! One slice of cheesecake has close to 1,000 calories, which means that when you’re eating it there’s a good chance you could black out ... finally. It's best consumed in your bed at 3 a.m. and pairs beautifully with a mug of tap water.

2. Potato Skins, or Just had a political conversation with my dad.

So, it’s weird when you’re having lunch with your dad and he says, “The Tea Party is the only viable party, it’s the future.” And you’re like, “Um, do you mind if I order the potato skins as an appetizer and don’t share them because I need to numb myself?” And he responds, “I’m just saying, Michelle Bachmann has some great points.” “Can we talk about Adam Sandler or tennis, one of the safe topics that I faxed to you before lunch?” Best consumed with steak and dessert, because you’re not paying.

3. Molten Lava Cake for Two, or My dog is dead and she’s never coming back!

When you order a Molten Lava Cake for Two, you’re saying, “I’m wearing sweats for a while and I’m not ready to talk about it.” Yeah sure, Peppers was 14 years old and immobile, but she loved me even when I when I dressed like a gangster for two weeks in middle school. Best consumed while wearing an XXL t-shirt with Taz and Tweety on it, brown lip liner, and surprised eyebrows.

4. Martini, or I hate flying.

This turbulence is so scary, we’re all gonna diiiiiiieeee! What? The plane hasn’t taken off yet? Well, you don’t have to be a bitch about it! What? You’re not being a bitch, you’re braiding my hair and singing “Edelweiss” to calm me down? That’s nice of you, thanks for holding my hands even though they’re so clammy. This martini goes great with five more martinis.

5. Nachos, or Just had unprotected sex with a bartender.

So, maybe you were drunk, fine. Maybe he was smokin’ hot, fine. Maybe you went home and had bangin’ sex, fine. But without a condom! What? He’s a bartender! His job is to collect STDs, while occasionally making some drinks. How dare you? This is not funny! Eat nachos and think about what you did. I don’t care WHAT band he told you he was in! Best consumed with a stiff drink since I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Previously: Decoding First Date Compliments.

Rose Surnow is a stand-up comic/writer/actor. Follow her on Twitter at RoseSurnow.

Photos by Robyn Mackenzie (cheesecake), bonchan (potato skins), Imcsike (cake), and Monkey Business Images (nachos), via Shutterstock

311 Comments / Post A Comment

redheaded&crazy

awwww I need some of #3 for that exact reason.

:( :( :(

thenotestaken

@redheadedandcrazy Awwww I'm so sorry!

Ophelia

@redheadedandcrazy Oh, honey. Hug.

joie

@redheadedandcrazy :( I'm so sorry.

redheaded&crazy

thanks all, this molten lava cake for two DOES help a little

whatsherface

@redheadedandcrazy I'm so sorry :( We could buy you a martini or five at the pin-up tonight?

redheaded&crazy

@whatsherface mannn I was just about to send an email to that toronto hairpin gmail account that I can't even make it tonight! I was so super excited ... but last minute stuff has popped up that I need to do. Please have a martini or five in my absence!

insouciantlover

@redheadedandcrazy oh man, that happened to me several months ago (but with my kitty) and I was constantly tossing things into my mouth to numb the pain. Mostly pills though.

nico@twitter

@redheadedandcrazy Aaaw, I'm sorry.

M'fly

I'll take two each of #1 and #2 please. :(

thenotestaken

For rainy days where no one seems to be returning your texts: mashed potatoes mixed with so much gravy that they're basically the consistency of soup. Like, you better be eating these out of a bowl. Goes well with a marathon of My So-Called Life and your fugliest sweater.

jacqueline
jacqueline

@thenotestaken I have a friend who mixes mashed potatoes with kraft dinner (and not even for emotional eating purposes).

thenotestaken

@jacqueline That is definitely the friend to have. One time a friend and I used KD as a dip for BBQ potato chips--we weren't emotional either, just stoned.

honeybadger

@thenotestaken on days like that i like to consume tubs of trader joes cookies. any kind will do.

thenotestaken

@honeybadger Cookies are definitely an integral food group in the Hibernation Weekend diet.

raised amongst catalogs

@thenotestaken I find that Velveeta mac & cheese with canned peas mixed in does the trick, too.

emilylou

@vanillawaif Canned peas + mac & cheese! The ultimate in this situation. Sometimes I also mix in a can of tuna, because I might be disgusting and this might be why nobody is answering my last-minute "let's hang out guys!" texts...

thenotestaken

@jacqueline Also whattup fellow Canadian! I didn't even notice until I saw all the other responses mentioning 'mac & cheese.'

katerrific

@thenotestaken Are the mashed potatoes made from potatoes, or from dehydrated potato flakes? Wait, I think I already know the answer...

madge

@thenotestaken yes. i am partial to kettle chips used instead of a spoon to eat a whole family-sized stouffer's mac and cheese, but i'm old and kraft dinner doesn't work on me anymore

becky@twitter

@honeybadger i've convinced myself that the peanut butter trail mix from trader joe's is healthy emotional office eating. it's really not.

raised amongst catalogs

@emilylouise I don't like tuna, but I don't think that you liking it makes you disgusting. I would hang out!

jacqueline
jacqueline

@thenotestaken Wait how did you know?! Do Americans not say "kraft dinner"??

becky@twitter

@jacqueline nope, we don't. our kraft dinner says "kraft macaroni and cheese" on the box.

thenotestaken

@jacqueline They don't! I'm actually originally from the states so all the little speech differences really stand out to me, but yeah, they all just call it 'mac and cheese.'

emilylou

@vanillawaif Holla! Thanks for being tolerant of our differences. Whenever I open a can of tuna I just get the vague feeling I'm opening a can of cat food... cat food made for humans. I don't know. Either way, mixing it in mac is kinda foul (cheese + fish?!) but in my times of need, I just can't say no.

emkay

@thenotestaken Agh! You've reminded me of one of my favorite sadtymes foods - mashed potatoes layered with Stove Top stuffing, with a fine helping of gravy on top. Like a carby, salty, trifle.

raised amongst catalogs

@emilylouise I once felt such an urgent need for refried beans to be inside of my mouth, I ate an entire can of them out of a bowl, steaming hot from the microwave. I also ate some ham that was not at the peak of freshness, and with it, peas -- cold, tilted into my mouth from the can because I didn't have any clean flatware. So, yeah. No judging from this corner. There's a time for eating nice food nicely in front of other nice people, and there's a time for eating like a hobo.

oatmealshrapnel

@thenotestaken I find the chocolate kitties are particularly comforting for days one makes a public ass out of themselves

Cossette729

@emilylouise You are not alone! Mac&cheese with peas and tuna is one of my ultimate comfort foods! My mom used to make it all the time when I was little.

New Hoarder

@thenotestaken My husband and I have been stress eating those chocolate kitties like the dickens. He approves their purchase of my beloved Pinwheels because since they're "not greasy" they're practically healthy... ?

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder *Errr, their purchase OVER...

katekari

@emkay The day after Thanksgiving and Christmas, my uncle makes sandwiches with mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy. He insists this is a Real Thing In The World, and calls it "Jubilee Dessert." Weird, and also totally awesome any day of the year.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@thenotestaken Mashed potatoes, for sure. I got dumped on Thanksgiving, (yes, on Thanksgiving, and OVER THE PHONE) and leftover mashed potatoes and mashed yams were pretty much the only "real" food I ate. When we ran out of leftovers, I made more. It was the only thing I did all week other than feel bad about myself. Then a couple of days ago I managed to start eating meals without potatoes in them, and I think that's progress.

Polina

Those potato skins are killing me. And now they're getting worked into dinner. Lately I have found that potatoes are the perfect numbing agent. Home fries, french fries, boil mashemstickeminastew.

Bridget Smith@twitter

@polina Easiest potato recipe, like, so easy even I can do it when I'm feeling lazy: wash red potatoes. Don't peel them because fuck it, also flavor. Chop into bite-size pieces, like 6 per potato. Toss on baking sheet & drizzle with olive oil and sea salt (because of the large grains). Put in oven at 450 until they're brownish. Eat, and praise the gods of salt.

Polina

@Bridget Smith@twitter We must be on the same wavelength here because I did something very similar to this the other night with red taters but it included a ton of onions and rosemary.

becomeriver

@polina LotR reference! Love it! That is also my favorite thing to do with red potatoes (with lots of garlic)... actually, I'm a fan of roasting any sort of veg.

Ophelia

@becomeriver Also, it's shockingly delicious to do this with brussels sprouts.

madge

@Ophelia yes! brussels sprouts done this way are like eating potato chips that are good for you! and they kind of taste like popcorn!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@Bridget Smith@twitter Can I tell you what I did to red potatoes last night? I realize how dirty that sounds. Ok, I boiled them in a pot of water til I could easily pierce them with a knife. Then I drained them and with the bottom of a drinking glass, pressed each one down into discs. Into the dry pot (or a skillet) I melted some coconut oil and a little earth balance and pan fried them til they were brown and crispy. Finish with a little sea salt. Eat them all because they taste like crap the next day.

madamvonsassypants

@Ophelia Steamed brussels with butter + mashed sweet potatoes (also with butter) is the ultimate flavor combo. I went through a month where I ate that 3x/week or more.

tin can phone

@Bridget Smith@twitter YES to all of the sea salt+ veggies talk, but if you're feeling sliiiiightly fancy you should make a hash! I've had this for the last 15 meals or so. Chop up a potato into small hashy pieces, add some chopped onion and bell pepper or whatever, push them around in oil in a pan, eat them with lots of ketchup. The end.

hideously

@polina I was about to extol Brussels sprouts... I felt a little self-conscious, like maybe that's too healthy for this list, but I could eat them forever.

Lunch Kitty

@madge Stouffers mac and cheese is hands down the BEST solution to everything.

susiequsie

@polina If you're feeling too lazy to even chop up onions or peppers....cut up the potatoes, put them in a bowl, add olive oil and Lipton's Onion Soup mix or Ranch mix, then pop them in the oven. They come out with great flavor and are super easy and cheap!

wizardlizard

@polina Aaaah this is one of my favorite things to do. I just did it last night! Except I added some peppers and rosemary and stuff because mmmmmm. But the classic with just the salt/olive oil is a solid for those, I-have-nothing-in-my-house-to-eat-oh-wait-here-are-some-potatoes, moments.

kayjay

Extra dirty, extra olives, vodka, and just sort of pass the Vermouth bottle over the glass, please. Thanks.

Ophelia

@kayjay I would like you to make all of my martinis from now on, please.

kayjay

@kayjay and I've been known to describe this to bartenders as "filthy", "disgusting" and "whoreish" because extra dirty just doesn't seem to convey it properly. Sometimes they just hand me the olive jar, which also works.

raised amongst catalogs

@Ophelia My thoughts exactly.

bangs
bangs

@kayjay I call this the "Dirty Executive", though am known to add cocktail onions, and/or stuffed olives.

liznieve

@kayjay OOOH so it sounds totally disgusting, but best thing in a vodka martini? blue cheese stuffed olives. although, less dirty, because then you'd basically drinking an alcoholic salad dressing. sorta.

Bebe

@liznieve YES TO THIS FOREVER!!! Hold the olive juice (hell, hold the vermouth), serve it ice cold with the most delicious salty-cheesy things ever. In fact, EXTRA blue cheese stuffed olives, And some more on the side.

Damn, now I want to go to a steak house and order multiple martinis, a super-rare steak, and a baked potato.

insouciantlover

@Bebe I will go with you.

Bebe

@insouciantlover DATE!

kayjay

@liznieve Who says alcoholic salad dressing isn't rad? That sounds effing delicious. Also? Garlic stuffed olives. YES.

kayjay

@Bebe @insouciantlover Me too?

insouciantlover

@kayjay Yeah girl. Also, I used to live next to this place - you just reminded me - and they had killer happy hour top shelf martinis with goat cheese stuffed olives for $5. My ex and I would go there and every time we went we'd get too drunk and he'd pick a fight and I'd cry at the bar. After three times I refused to go with him anymore because I didn't want to be known as the crying girl with the jerk boyfriend.

Mame16th

@kayjay Yes to all of this, plus sometimes I like a Hot Dirty martini with pickled jalapenos and lots of the juice.

melis

There seems to be a typo on #5 - you forgot to include "and a third of a pack of Camel Crushes, which aren't even your brand but they're what your sad roommate had in her nightstand."

LabRat

@melis On the nose. They're always on some sort of special, so I can't blame her.

melis

@LabRat There's also something profoundly satisfying about crushing that little menthol ball in the filter.

madamvonsassypants

@melis That's a thing??? What.

libs

This can also go reverse? Like the time I celebrated a job promotion with a NY style Pizza Hut pizza on an old futon by myself.

Kath

You had me at "mug of tap water." Too real. (Also hi I met you at LAFF last year)

Katie Scarlett

@Kath I laughed out loud when I read that part and then took a sip of from the mug of tap water on my dresser.

BScottie

@Kath I laughed out loud, too. I mean, this post had me at "I'm so sad" because my Shark Week is on its way shortly. And damn, that cheesecake looks perfect. The whole list is perfect. How do you know my life, Rose?!

cinnamonskin

Popcorn + wine + "Black Swan". Bust out your legwarmers. Apply directly to the forehead.

AmandaBunny

@cinnamonskin
That was actually my exact night last Friday!

Jennifer@twitter

2. Potato Skins, or Just had a political conversation with my dad. <- is my life. But I substitute martinis. However, this usually makes the arguments worse.

loudmouthedgirl

@Jennifer@twitter Amen to that.

February Revolution

@Jennifer@twitter My Tuesday night! Best served with a single (really just one!) beer so Dad can later blame your nonsensical liberalism on your (completely imagined!) drunkenness.

Next time, I'll try the martinis-and-real-drunkenness route.

heyladies

As long as it doesn't involve goopy cherry topping, cheesecake is the mother of all cakes.

raised amongst catalogs

@heyladies Best consumed while one is in a hot bath.

MoonBat

@heyladies Please can I have your goopy cherry topping?

Craftastrophies

@MoonBat I made a lemon cheesecake last night for my boyfriend's birthday. This is extreme sacrifice because I don't really like cheesecake. I'd basically rather just have the cheese.

Although, thinking about it, I'm sort of realising that... I... don't really like... cake? Oh my GOD WHO AM I.

Brunhilde

@Craftastrophies I hate cake. Come sit with me while we consider the cheese course "dessert".

shenannies

I used to take up Fear of Flying Martinis, until once I had three dirty martinis and WASN'T even buzzed AND continued to drink on the plane, still no buzz. If I'm going to be scared anyway I might as well try to salvage what's left of my liver.

JessicaLovejoy

Reason #54234 why Remus Lupin is my sweet prince:

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfvypm6J4H1qzcmp3o1_500.gif

sophi

@JessicaLovejoy I thought this was going to be a reference to how he spent all of HBP being mopey and drunk, but this works too!

parallel-lines

I drink a lot of martinis, people.

I am what they call a "carbo-loader" and love nothing more than to down an entire box of crackers or pretzels. They can be dipped in things...or not. I just want to eat them all and drink my martini and make my dinner the world's saddest cocktail party.

raised amongst catalogs

@parallel-lines Ever have a Thanksgiving sandwich? As in, mashed potatoes AND stuffing...between two slices of bread?

joie

@vanillawaif don't forget to wash it down with 5 slices of pumpkin pie and 2 glasses of mead!

raised amongst catalogs

@heyits I normally rely on eggnog to wash holiday feasts down, but you may just have something there.

shenannies

@parallel-lines When can I come over? Salty things and booze are what's for dinner.

parallel-lines

@vanillawaif I prefer to start with a pile of meats and cheese and just make the sandwich in my mouth.

batgirl

@vanillawaif Thanksgiving sandwiches are my favorite part of thanksgiving. And since our thanksgiving was two weeks ago and my leftovers are long gone, I'm lucky that I live around the corner from a bakery that makes this sandwich. It's heaven in two slices of bread...

punkahontas

@batgirl There's a chain of sub shops (AKA hoagie shops) called Capriotti's that make a Thanksgiving sandwich called a Bobbie. It has roasted turkey, stuffing, cranberry etc. Available all year round. People go crazy for them!

They started in Delaware, but I think they are opening locations all over the place now.

madamvonsassypants

@batgirl You need to do what I do and celebrate both Canadian AND American Thanksgivings. One delicious dinner down, one delicious dinner to go.

alliepants

@punkahontas OMG CAPRIOTTI'S IS EXPANDING?!?!?

- An almost-Delawarean

raised amongst catalogs

@parallel-lines It's comments like yours, and basically all of these, that make me sad that The Hairpin is a website and not an actual neighborhood filled with all of you people.

joie

two nights ago found me eating a bowl of popcorn that was heavily buttered and brewer's yeasted while watching Newsradio. There's nothing Phil Hartman and buttery carbs can't cure.

loudmouthedgirl

Definitely #1, #2, and #5. Oh #5 (hangs head in shame).

BuffyBot

@loudmouthedgirl agreed. twice.

dabbyfanny

That cheesecake picture is food porn. PORN! You cruel bastards. Must ... Eat..... Cheesecake....

alliepants

Half a block of cheese and crackers, or Sweet Jesus am I seriously still single because even I am getting tired of listening to myself talk about bad dates.

Best consumed at 11:30 pm after an evening of third-wheeling at the bar.

sox
sox

@alliepants Welcome to the last 5 years or so of my life. Except I'm more prone to corn chips and cheese, maybe with salsa, sprinkled with chili powder.

jessmonster

@alliepants Extra sharp cheddar and triscuits, perhaps with some turkey pepperoni... for protein? or something? I make tiny, delicious sammiches that help ease the pain of those "Sweet Jesus and I seriously still single" evenings. (That basically occur nightly.)

punkahontas

@jessmonster I like that one too! Even when I'm not sad (I go for sugar when I'm sad). Triscuits are also great with cottage cheese and black pepper.

Megatron

@jessmonster stay out of my fridge! but instead of block cheese, may i suggest kaukauna sharp cheddar spread? it is basically the only thing i look forward to when i come home from work to write my thesis.

rayray

@alliepants This was me til recently when I inexplicably vommed after a delicious late-evening snack of cheese and pickle on crackers. I can't look at mature cheddar in the same way since.

kiamaria

@alliepants Ah, yep. that is basically my life

Fancy Mustard

French onion soup and steak fries, or I was promised my new car would be ready today but it's not and now I feel like a first-world asshole for being so despondent about having to drive my college-era beater for another week.

claire

Okay. So what do you recommend for "oops I just signed on to be a dishwasher in a fucking grocery store for the holidays" while the store manager condescended to me by asking questions like 'It looks like you've had some leadership roles before so how do you feel about doing prep and washing dishes sometimes?' with a smirk on his face? And your last job was executive chef, and you've worked in the industry for 22 years and cooked professionally for the last 15. And you've fucking PAID YOUR DUES!!! And bad job market.....blah, blah, blah.....but you've never had a problem finding jobs because you're fucking super/over qualified for most of the stuff that's out there and you're willing to bust your ass with almost no pay because that's how it is?
Okay, I realize that I'm lucky to have a job offer, and there's benefits, and I have another job doing what I love. BUT STILL!!!! DISHWASHER?!?!?!?! I am 35 in three weeks. Fuck.
Whiskey? Obvs.

WastedPaper

@claire and bacon. lots and lots of bacon.

JessicaLovejoy

@claire Hummus, followed by a handle of anything.

(This is why we need a message board!)

dabbyfanny

@WastedPaper Even better, peanut butter and bacon baklava.

Ophelia

@dabbyfanny caramelized bacon with some sort of maple-syrup-bourbon sauce on ice cream?

WastedPaper

@dabbyfanny oh dear, I cannot fuck with fancying up bacon. It must stand alone in all its bacon-y goodness.

cinnamonskin

@claire fuck that noise. I'm sorry, girl. Also, use this chance to "liberate" whatever ain't nailed down.

Wookiee Hole

@claire Eat all the things.

New Hoarder

@cinnamonskin Exactly. I am sure there are a lot of foodstuffs that would like a new home! Free grocery shopping! My SO has been going through the same thing re: overqualified, now super underpaid for restaurant stuff. Most of the hospitality industry, esp the food part, is made up of thugs, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. =-D That dude smirking at you will be your underling in no time!

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

@claire Ahh, I feel your pain. Just started a job today which involves standing in a windowless garage putting tags on clothes to be sold all day. So far I am finding that gin & Maltesers are going some way to improving my mood since getting home.

beecaveroad

Still-in-college version: Mozzarella sticks and a chocolate milkshake, or, I have 120 pages of reading to do and it's midnight. Best eaten while compulsively refreshing facebook on your phone with your reading packet open in front of you. 3000% of your recommended daily value of saturated fat is probably like, good for your brain, right? Alternatively: flask in the library.

RK Fire

@margaret_r: Mozzarella sticks were a good friend to me in undergrad, as well as grad school. If you're looking for something with some additional but marginal nutritional value, may I suggest jalapeno poppers?

franceschances

@RK Fire Jalapeno poppers are the BEST. My grocery store now only stocks the box with 40 of them for some reason, so I'm forced to buy a ridiculous amount of them constantly. And then have them for dinner, obviously. If you dip them in marinara sauce, you get even more veggies!

RK Fire

@franceschances: Ahhh yes. I'm not crazy about marinara sauce but that is a good justification. I went through this phase in college when I tried to make sure I ate five different vegetables and fruits a day. Every so often I would try to make poppers count. If only I had thought of marinara sauce as well..

becky@twitter

@RK Fire jalapeno poppers are like spicy bon bons. seriously, can we have a faux, deep-fried lady marriage?

sarah girl

@margaret_r I am 27 and would eat the fuck out of some mozzarella sticks and a milkshake

alicia

@margaret_r FLASK IN THE LIBRARY. I wish we went to the same school (we probably don't?? at least, I don't know any Margaret R.s) because it would be awesome to... study together and share flasks. And mozzarella sticks.

TheArcticSea

@margaret_r
There is a 100% chance I'm doing the ol' "flask in the library" trick right now. Only it's being poured into my coffee so I have some hope of staying awake and getting all this reading done before my midterm tomorrow morning.
Okay, I'm going to go check Facebook a few more times then figure out what the hell happened during the rest of the bronze age. Maybe I should have gone to more than 40% of these classes? Haha OH WELL!

candybeans

@margaret_r Ooh, may i share my recipe for mozzarella sticks, for when there are none left in the freezer? Maybe this is so obvious, but it took me 27 long years to sort it out: Cut a string cheese stick in half horizontally, roll in beaten egg, then roll in breadcrumbs (the garlicky kind if possible, or just add some oregano & salt), then fry in olive oil, then fangoriously devour! You can even use light string cheese if you're a guilty ol' tubby lady like me! you could probably use any cheese at all for this.
Excuse me. I have some Feta and Cheddar Sticks to make.

AmbiSinister

@margaret_r is that also good for "realizing you may have sabotaged any hope of future scholarships and any chance of graduating from college on time"? I'm open to ideas because at the moment, I'm oscillating between bowls of ice cream and sloppy joe's. Not both at the same time, but it may come to that. The night is young!

TheArcticSea

@AmbiSinister
Aww, cyber-hugs for you. I'm in the fifth year of my four year program with another year and a half to go after this, plus grad school hopefully. I totally failed my first year(s) and have really only started pulling up my socks last term. But it's okay! Write the heck out of those scholarship application letters! I received a scholarship that advertised it was based on academic performance when I only had a 60-ish average (including a 28% in one class... 28!), because I'd wrote a cover letter explaining I planed on not sucking anymore. It'll be okay!

Also, warm brownies with ice cream.

RK Fire

@becky@twitter: YES. My actual husband, while fantastic, is not nearly as cheese crazy as I am.
<3 <3 <3

becky@twitter

@RK Fire perfect! my boyfriend is more cheese crazy than i am, if you can believe that. hairpin commune! <3 <3 <3

beecaveroad

@alicia Yesssss you can't have too many flask buddies. Also, I had a midterm last night and mozzarella sticks were definitely a key part of the recovery.

Graydon Gordian

Oh my God, this woman has stared into my soul. I never realized why martinis and potato skins make up such a large part of my diet during the holidays, but now I know.

becomeriver

But what about our good all-purpose friends Ben and Jerry? Or is "I really shouldn't but I really need this but omg did I just eat an entire pint of (insert relevant flavor)?" just SO passé?

acookieaday

@becomeriver a full pint of Ben and Jerry's: I hate grad school and don't believe I will ever graduate. I probably should go exercise as I'm getting older, but screw it.

becky@twitter

@becomeriver chunky monkey has walnuts (omega 3s!), bananas (fruit!), as well as chunks of fudge (antioxidants!).

The Lady of Shalott

@acookieaday I would sign on with this but I am a broke-ass grad student who can't afford Ben and Jerry's ($6.99 for a pint? NO) so I have to go with the on-sale PC brand $4-for-a-quart-but-thankfully-delicious. Not that I, uh, eat that much...at a time....or something....

RK Fire

@The Lady of Shalott: $6.99/pint? That is madness!

The Lady of Shalott

@RK Fire I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!? What am I, made of money? Fuck you, Sobey's.

frigwiggin

@The Lady of Shalott That's so depressing. Good ice cream is super expensive, unless you have a second-sale grocery store in your town where you can get nice triple-peanut-butter ice cream for like $1.50 alongside the $0.39 dented cans of beans.

The Lady of Shalott

@figwiggin What? TRIPLE PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM? Where is this beautiful bounty and why is the answer not "in my mouth, right now?"

frigwiggin

@The Lady of Shalott I went to go find the carton so I could see what brand it was, but the boyfriend ate the last of it! I'm going to stab him. Peanut butter flavored ice cream with peanut butter swirls and chunks of peanut butter cup...life is a little sadder now that it's gone from our freezer.

Ophelia

Top Ramen, or I'm home alone and this was on sale at the grocery story and I'm just going to curl up and watch reruns of NCIS tonight.

madamvonsassypants

@Ophelia I always justified top ramen by dumping some frozen veggies in there. You know, get my vitamins an' shit.

Ophelia

@madamvonsassypants Totally, or a scrambled egg, so it's kind of like lo mein?

frigwiggin

@Ophelia It's the best with an egg! Ramen with egg and peas or edamame is my favorite. But I grew up subsisting on ramen and frozen chimichangas while my dad was working out his depression, so I've had lots of opportunities to fine-tune my recipe.

Mame16th

@Ophelia Ramen with shredded iceberg lettuce and cucumber, if I've got any. Not much more nutrition, but it gives a nice contrast. Oh, and dried chili-lime fruit seasoning for a little kick.

beeline96

Trader Joe's microwavable fondue tub, or I haven't found a winter boyfriend. Grab a Demi baguette for yourself and a full baguette for you and a friend... or yourself. Goes well with chick flicks and SVU reruns. Hopefully your TJ's has wine.

You're welcome.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@beeline96 TJ can be your winter boyfriend.

beeline96

@Mere TJ is my year-round lover. I have, however, spotted plenty of potential mates, seasonal or otherwise, in the aisles of Trader Joe's. For reasons discussed in the Ask a Dude: hot guy on public transportation edition, there have been zero love connections for me. Yet.

Ophelia

@beeline96 This might be the thing that convinces me to get a microwave.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@beeline96 There should be a TJ Missed Connections website.

beeline96

@Ophelia YES. Or visit a friend with one! The number of baguettes you bring is at your discretion.

sox
sox

@beeline96 EFFFFFFF TRADER JOES FOR HAVING NO STORES IN COLORADO. That is all.

emilylou

@beeline96 WHY IS EVERY TJS FULL OF HOT GUYS?!

chlo

@beeline96 oh my goodness. There are TJs WITHOUT wine?

Megatron

@beeline96 yes. fuck pennsylvania.

RK Fire

Celebratory "I have the house to myself!" meal: a bowl of mac and cheese, complete with the addition of extra cheese. I like to eat this along with re-watching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice for the eight hundredth time. Follow with ice cream.

becky@twitter

@RK Fire and worcestershire sauce. mmm.

RK Fire

@becky@twitter: I have never done much with Worcestershire sauce! Now I'm curious.

Also, you know what my other "I'm in my apt by myself" meal is? Cheesesteak, lots of cheese and mayo, some lettuce, and fries. Maybe the fries are waffle fries, or are wholly replaced by mozzarella sticks/jalapeno poppers.

The snack of choice in this situation is a block of pepperjack cheese and wheat thins.

I don't have these meals very often (esp not the cheesesteak + some fried cheese/potato side) but god, I love cheese.

RK Fire

@RK Fire: I was also trying to think about what I like to eat when "I'm looking at pictures of myself on FB and oh dear god, do I really look like that? I'm so bizarre looking" feelings hit. I came back to mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is the appropriate meal for anything. Also, pizza.

becky@twitter

@RK Fire it is tasty as hell on mac & cheese. especially if you're gettin all fancy & shit with real cheeses and not easy cheez. add some breadcrumbs for texture all up in that and you have yourself a gourmet dinner in front of a marathon of project runway.

RK Fire

@becky@twitter: I think I love you. Also, I have to say that of course real cheeses are a necessity, otherwise no mac and cheese is ever cheesy enough.
CHEESE

becky@twitter

@RK Fire (please sing to the tune of the beach boys' kokomo):

gouda
fontina
ooh i want to eat me
some pasta
with cheddar
c'mon hairpin mamas
mascarpone
and colby
baby why don't we go make some mac & cheese
we'll eat it fast and then we'll take it slow
that's how i wanna roll
in modal pants in my apt, yo

RK Fire

@becky@twitter: <3 <3 <3 May all of the cheeses go to you.

Bebe

@becky@twitter I would totally fall for the "baby why don't we go make some mac & cheese" line.

becky@twitter

@Bebe don't forget the modal pants. those are integral to the comfort of your mac & cheese-athon.

raised amongst catalogs

@Bebe @becky@twitter I'll never not hear it that way ever again, on those occasions when I am unlucky enough to be listening to "Kokomo."

Craftastrophies

@becky@twitter I once made a Jamie Oliver mac and cheese. This was the book before he decided obesity was bad, and everyone but him was disgusting and had to be shamed. It had four different cheeses in it. It might be one of the most revoltingly greasy things I have ever put in my mouth.

sarah girl

My boyfriend dumped me two days ago, so one of each, please. Maybe two of each.

RK Fire

@Sarah H.: My thumbs up is a thumbs up of sympathy. Go forth and enjoy all the lava cakes!

LabRat

@Sarah H. sympathizing, too. But make sure you do eat! I definitely went on a post-break-up diet of replacing all my meals with cigarettes--do not do this to yourself. Bad idea. You are beautiful and don't need to be skinnier/have more emphysema/gross breath. But do enjoy the martinis. And maybe hit up the bartender who caused #5.

raised amongst catalogs

@Sarah H. Reframe. Your boyfriend made a HUGE MISTAKE two days ago, so...

sarah girl

@LabRat Hahah, thank you guys! I'm doing pretty well - it wasn't a very long relationship, issues had been simmering for a while and it was ultimately the best option for both of us. And LabRat, I've definitely had breakups in the past where I didn't eat, but my appetite seems to be pretty good this time around. Maybe a little too good? Who cares!

AmeliaBadelia

@Sarah H. I feel your pain. Dumped about a month ago after 5.5 years. There has been a constant diet of cheese since then. Cheese for every meal. So much cheese. And wine. And chocolate. I'm just going to cut my losses and marry cheese. <3

melis

@AmeliaBadelia In the hopes that this brings some small shred of comfort to your ravaged heart: Yes, my face is hideous to behold - but oh, when I dance...Cheese is a kind of meat!

Dancercise

@melis
A TASTY YELLOW BEEF.

melis

@Dancersize...I don't want to say the next line, so I'm switching to the soup crimp. Remember the time we had soup? That was brilliant. Soup! Soup! A tasty soup! Soup! Soup! A spicy carrot and coriander (chili chowder)!

Dancercise

@melis Crouton Crouton. Crunchy friends in a liquid broth.

Also: I'm little Johnny Frostbite moving around. Freezing you up, freezing you down. Like an icicle.

melis

@Dancersize Future sailors! We're future sailors! Electronic castaways! We're digital stowaways!

Dancercise

@melis
Do you love me?
Are you playing your love games with me? I just wanna know what to do cause I need your love a lot. Come on now.

Coal Tar Epoxy

@Sarah H. Moving to fast this isn't a race.

Craftastrophies

@melis Great. I will now have that in my head for the next week. At least it's not as tenacious as 'I love the chosen one (loving him is so much fun)'

Atheist Watermelon

@AmeliaBadelia yes. Cheese. Any and all cheese. Especially the really stinky cheeses. Sometimes I eat an entire wedge of Roquefort or gorgonzola for dinner .

kiamaria

@Craftastrophies NOOOOOOO! why did you have to put this in my head?!!

melis

@Craftastrophies I am a rocker! We are sworn enemies of the mods!

Slutface

Raw cookie dough from the tube with your fingers (store brand, not even the good stuff) because you're waiting for your boyfriend to pick you up to go to the gym. The gym is the worst.

sox
sox

@Slutface Cannoli filling, straight from the tube to your waiting tongue.

Slutface

@sox Oh...yes.

redonion

It's get dark earlier and earlier and oh i'm just going to sit on the couch all night alone anyway peanut butter and jelly - peanut butter out of the jar and red wine out of the bottle because the bread's gone bad and I can't rustle up the energy to leave the house again to walk the 3 blocks to the grocery store in the dark, and let's not dirty any dishes while we're at it.

sarah girl

@redonion It's like you peered inside my heart, peanut butter out of the jar and all.

phipsi

HAIRPIN! Get outta my head. I have had the exact #2 conversation with my dad. Who accused me of "being melodramatic" when I said I was going to boycott family Christmas if he was actually a serious Bachmann supporter. Now it is clear to me that Christmas is just going to need a helluvalot of potato skins.

didgeridoo

@phipsi nay! you need only come to the movies with us liberal jewish folk! Chinese food included!

frigwiggin

Fistfuls of Parmesan flavor Goldfish. I can eat like half a bag of those suckers without even trying.

Allllsoooo a big pot of fettuccine carbonara with bacon AND chicken, because my boyfriend always acts like bacon isn't enough protein to get him through the long cold night. So carb-y, so good. Plus it's good for people who are secretly addicted to raw eggs (lookin' at you, tamago kake gohan!).

madamvonsassypants

@figwiggin Back when I used to occasionally indulge in crackers (because I sure as hell can't keep those in my house under any circumstances), I could eat an entire bag of Goldfish over the course of one evening.

MrComment

@figwiggin Oh yes, a bag of parmesan Goldfish used to be many a meal for me. I stopped food shopping for a while because I would show up at the register with five bags of Goldfish, six frozen pizzas and an Entemann's cherry-cheese danish and have to say, "Yep, this is me."

nerds

Ha, I loved this. But also, what about heartache and soul-crushing disappointment in life? I feel like that requires at least a double helping of that molten lava cake and a couple of those martinis....

LRMG

I've had migraines all week so I've been feeling sorry for myself/angry at my blood vessels. Trader Joe's Sea Salt Caramel Sauce straight from the jar has been doing it for me. Its my "reward" for ummm walking into the kitchen?

becky@twitter

@LRMG must have NOW.

Craftastrophies

@LRMG for me, migraine = popcorn and beer for dinner! If I can't have g-spot orgasms, it's the next best cure.

oh, disaster

Today is the worst day EVER to leave my lunch at home.

cuminafterall

In junior year of college it was a bag Tostitos and a jar of salsa at midnight, because I just worked/was in class for 16 hours and there's no way I'm dirtying a dish for dinner because this paper won't write itself and oh crap, laundry.

Mame16th

@cuminafterall I LIVED on chips and salsa for about a year at one time because I was working so much and hate grocery shopping. It's still my go-to-can't-be-bothered meal, and anyway, salsa=vegetables, no?

thenotestaken

@cuminafterall No no no, it's Tostitos and a jar of Tostito brand queso dip! Why go for something with actual vegetables in it when you could have the most perfectly engineered processed cheese product of all time?

Wondajules

An entire box of cereal at a time...anyone? Moistened(I'm sorry!) by the powdered milk from the disaster kit because, let's be serious, if I'm feeling this bad, I obviously haven't been to the grocery store recently enough to have real milk.

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

@Wondajules There have been days when I've replaced all meals with cereal, I'm not going to lie. Bonus points if it's a cereal obviously meant for kids.

I don't have any cheesecake this evening, but I have eaten most of a shepherd's pie that I was supposed to be rationing over the next few days. I HAVE THE SNIFFLES OK

Ophelia

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles OHMYGOD Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs.

Wondajules

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles Cherrios. Almost always cheerios. Mr. Wondajules knows that when I'm feeling sick the best thing he can do for me is bring home an industrial sized yellow box of cholesterol-lowering goodness.

rayray

@Wondajules I prefer to cut out the middle man and eat the cereal straight outta the packet. It's like sweet chips.

hedgehog

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles Cocoa Krispies.

alicia

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH

oatmealshrapnel

@Wondajules reeses puffs. the most crack like cereal i've had. ive finished quite a few boxes in one night. oops.

BScottie

@alicia Yessssssssss! Cinnamon Toast Crunch! I'm so hungry.

AmbiSinister

@alicia Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the best.

commanderbanana

How about that bag of candy you got as a favor from your best friend's wedding last weekend?? The one you went to three weeks after getting dumped by your boyfriend?? Best consumed after staggering home drunk from an awful date with someone who is clearly all wrong for you, whilst sitting on your bed despondently half-clad in pajamas. Like, shoveling in the candy so fast you can't even really taste it.

Sigh.

Princess Slaya

#1 and #4 - together. All the time.

During my divorce/sisterhascancer, it was Saranac Beer, Reduced Fat Cheezits and Mass Effect/Dragon Age all night long.

Polina

@Princess Slaya Oooh Saranac.

Megasus

@Princess Slaya Sexually assaulting animated elves and secret princes (my personal favourite) also solves all the world's ills.

lavender gooms

@Princess Slaya I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite comment on this thread.

Bebe

Half a tub of leftover dark chocolate frosting + a bag of the 40% Reduced Fat potato chips (Ha!) = just get the fuck out of my for the next 48 hours, then buy me a gallon of Aleve and a heating pad.

L M
L M

I can't possibly be the only person who starves her sadness and feeds her happiness.

Polina

@Lucia Martinez But...why don't you want to wallow with us?

breccia

@Lucia Martinez Eating when you're sad makes it harder to get drunk on less booze.

Sadness makes food disgusting. Happiness makes me want a fresh glazed donut.

hedgehog

@breccia as it were.

alliepants

@Lucia Martinez Starving is for real sadness. Feeding is for little day-to-day mental wear and tear. Example: Spoonfuls of peanut butter and nutella, or The subway was so crowded I couldn't move and then I stepped in a puddle and messed up my nice shoes.

alliepants

@alliepants Also: Two bowls of Easy Mac, or The guys at the liquor store on my corner just looked at me when I came in and said "oh hey, you again!"

Diana

@Lucia Martinez

Why starve sadness and feed happiness when you can feed sadness AND feed happiness? Having a wonderful day? Why, I should treat myself to a little cake. Having a terrible day? I DESERVE THIS CAKE.

phipsi

@Lucia Martinez It's true. I actually lost ~30 lbs during my divorceytimes and gained it riiiight back when I started cooking up a storm for a new man friend (and stopped barfing constantly).

lisma

@Lucia Martinez I'm so there. Love makes me eat. Heartbreak makes my stomach churn.

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

Dorito Sandwich--my best friend and I invented them in 7th grade during a sleepover/marathon ICQ chat session with boys who hated us. The recipe is as follows:

Slice of white bread, slice of cheese, Doritos, slice of bread, slice of cheese, mayo, mustard, pickles, more Doritos, slice of bread and SMASH with palm of hand. Enjoy.

sophi

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook That sounds almost as disgusting/delicious as a recipe my best friend and I invented at a sleepover when I was 14. It was basically a peanut butter and whipped cream burrito. We also invented something called "green cookie crap" once!

becky@twitter

@sophi @Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook at my childhood sleepovers, my dad would make doughboys and put peanut butter on them. my friends were all, eww until they ate one and then wanted 9 more.

Megatron

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook ICQ! YES! Also, we ate a LOT of ramen and pseudo-cybered with the random creepers...which...ew.

LabRat

@Megatron You've just taken me back to a particular part of my youth that I had hoped I would never think about again.

fleurdelivre

TGI Friday's spinach and artichoke dip. Oh, the shame!

becky@twitter

@fleurdelivre there's a lean cuisine version now...if you want to make yourself feel like it's healthier for you.

The Lady of Shalott

@becky@twitter Tell me more.

becky@twitter

@The Lady of Shalott BOOM http://www.leancuisine.com/products/Details.aspx?ProductID=11080

breccia

Or just drink boozy, sweet things with lots of calories, like Woodchuck Cider. It's like a meal that fucks you up. I enjoy them for when I need to relieve the hollow listlessness that comes from leaving an annual gynecological exam with lots of open-ended concerns and a follow-up appointment scheduled to check out "why you started bleeding like that." Plus they come in all sorts of flavors.

Diana

@breccia

I'm broke and underemployed and have a new apartment with no furnishings in it so I just finished off a 6 pack of Hornsby's a minute ago, naturally. It's cheaper than stocking a new pantry!

Nutmeg

What is, "My boss sent me home early to spite me and I have no direction and I haven't remembered my antidepressants in three days and I want to die and why does no one love me anymore?" I need to know what you do if that is your life, forever

cherrispryte

@Nutmeg Baguette, wedge of brie, when you run out of brie, switch to Nutella. Copious amounts of red wine.

emkay

@cherrispryte Best consumed on the couch, with a blanket pulled over your shoulders and the top of your head.

raised amongst catalogs

@Nutmeg The Hairpin loves you! I am worried about you! Please breathe and get some sleep and I hope you find the best food to soothe you asap.

alicia

@Nutmeg I am in that position and dining on rum & coke and Cheese Fix Munchies, but... baguette/brie/Nutella/wine sounds a lot classier and more appealing so I would agree with @cherrispryte!!

Nutmeg

@alicia I drank a bottle of red wine and ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I don't think I was any classier.

rayray

My January 2011 consisted of the 'it's too cold to go out and why would I bother anyway cos my boyfriend left town and I'll never see him again' - grotesque amounts of poor-quality milk chocolate and cheap red wine.

wee_ramekin

@rayray When I was in France and it was rainy, it was box after box after box of - as my friend and I like to call them - "Little Ecoliers". Mmmmmm so delicious...

rayray

@wee_ramekin They are indeed one of the best kinds of biscuits. But also Prince biscuits which, when dunked in tea, are so good that I nearly had to take myself into rehab to wean myself off them at one point. Now I'm back in the UK it's dark chocolate digestives all the way

Bebe

@wee_ramekin Those are sooooooo good. I also call them the French name because saying, "Mmm, I love little schoolboys" just sounds wrong.

laurel

@Bebe: So right, so wrong. Also? They make the very best s'mores.

becky@twitter

i am going to make these when i get home: http://picky-palate.com/2011/10/20/cinnamon-roll-pumpkin-vanilla-sheet-cake/

Tony Phillips@facebook

Rose Surnow is a mad genius. Like Dr. Frankenstein, only saxy.

The Mythical Codfish

If I might suggest an addition? Cold Pad Thai, or I'm So Broke I Can't Even Afford To Go Outside. Then there's a peanut butter and hot fudge sandwich, which says The Only Mail I Have Gotten For The Past Two Weeks Was From That Guy Running For Dogcatcher. Oh, and then there's there's a chai tea latte with dark rum, also known as I No Longer Know How To Relate To Other People.

emkay

@The Mythical Codfish There's a fancy vegan restaurant in San Francisco called Gratitude, and you have to order their dishes by their twee, new agey names like "I Am Nourished" or "I Am Transformed". I hate it. That being said, I would order I No Longer Know How To Relate To Other People at any restaurant or cafe. Utter genius.

becky@twitter

@emkay i hope they serve I Am Pissed Off, cause that's my favorite dish.

wee_ramekin

@emkay Oh JESUS Christ (*rolls eyes*). I just looked at their menu. This is why people join the Tea Party.

frigwiggin

@wee_ramekin That is...vomitous. I just can't even. That's worse than ordering the Razzdango or the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N' Fruity.

raised amongst catalogs

@The Mythical Codfish You saved the best for last.

alicia

@The Mythical Codfish cold pad Thai is my GO-TO hungover/sick/bored/lazy meal. I'm so glad this is a thing.

Megasus

@wee_ramekin HOW THE HELL IS THERE A RAW DEEP-DISH PIZZA!?

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin I am NOT ordering anything called 'I am adventurous', the description of which starts with 'live'.

China taught me that.

emkay

@wee_ramekin Oh, you have noooooo idea. They also aggravatingly simper at you if you attempt to order like a normal person.

Normal person: "Yeah...I'll have the enchilada?"
Server: "Do you mean "I am elated?""
Normal person: "Sure...yeah, the enchilada."
Server: "You should say the name. It's part of the gift of body and soul nourishment."
Normal person: "..................................enchilada."

Megasus

Cheesecake DOES taste amazing with just a glass of cold tap water. I guess because it's so rich it doesn't need anything else? In any case, it solves all the world's ills, even if you're lactose intolerant and going to be so sick later.

thebestjasmine

Thank God I Bought a Cupcake Yesterday (and saved it for today): because there was just an earthquake and I need a treat.

wee_ramekin

@thebestjasmine Are you okay?!

Diana

@thebestjasmine

Anniversary of 1906 earthquake? San Francisco has an earthquake. Once in a century earthquake strikes the East Coast? San Francisco has an earthquake. Big huge annual city-wide earthquake preparedness drill this morning? San Francisco has an earthquake. I think our faultlines have a very wry sense of humor.

Diana

@thebestjasmine

Anniversary of 1906 earthquake? San Francisco has an earthquake. Once in a century earthquake strikes the East Coast? San Francisco has an earthquake. Big huge annual city-wide earthquake preparedness drill this morning? San Francisco has an earthquake. I think our faultlines have a very wry sense of humor.

thebestjasmine

@Diana A REALLY BIG and kind of nasty sense of humor. And thank you, I'm fine, but I owe it all to the cupcake.

BadWolf

An avocado. Best consumed with a spoon. And a bottle of wine. And the thesis you are not totally not writing, because you are having desperate fantasies about dropping out of stupid grad school and running away to Seattle, where it is always 1992. And another avocado, because it is now 3am, and you still have not written a damn thing since Tuesday.

dudavocado

@BadWolf I always fantasize about running away to Seattle, too. I want to live in a friendly Singles-like apartment complex and have Kyra Sedgwick's hair.

Lollisoda37

@dudavocado I am in love with that idea and love you forever for bringing up Singles. I'd love a guy to destroy my car windows with a new sound system. <3

Inkling

@BadWolf Oh dear, is the "fleeing to Seattle" fantasy like the "teeth crumbling out of your mouth" dream in secret commonplaceness? I'm fantasizing for the weather, being in a blue state, and staring into that cold, grey ocean whenever I want.

mirror_father_mirror

I need to actually start faxing my father a list of appropriate conversation topics.

mirror_father_mirror

How about You Just Wrote Your Grad Advisor an Email That Makes You Cringe Because You Feel Like Everything You Say Is The Stupidest Thing Ever Even Though You Know Statistically That There Must Be People Somewhere Who Are Stupider Than You?

I'm going with a smorgasboard of pathetic faux dairy products for the lactose intolerant.

vomiting

You melt the antibiotics in with the cheese(s) on the nachos.

oatmealshrapnel

yesterday a male friend exasperatedly said "what is it with you girls and peanut butter? you'll eat any weird combination of food with it."
but it's true. peanut butter is the number one fall back for me in times of self disgust. maybe because its like a hug to my ribs. peanut butter and chocolate toasted inside any sort of bread. or melted down with margarine and made into chex muddy buddies. or simple with jelly on toast.
okay, no weird combinations there. but you get my drift
Crunchette

Wookiee Hole

@oatmealshrapnel Mmmm, Muddy Buddies. crap, need to buy ingredients with tomorrow's paycheck.

Lollisoda37

The flakey crust of a pot pie (yes, just the crust), orange juice, and white/milk chocolate truffles from a guy that sparks the: "I will in the next day or so have to tell you that I'm not interested in dating you even though you're really nice and are probably doing well post-divorce but, still no, and it makes me sick to even eat said gifts." Directly followed by "It's because I have a boyfriend (aka: friend that is a boy) who I'm in love with, who also loves(?) me but is 18 hours away and long distance "things" never work out." YAY! :D

Craftastrophies

Why is furtive food so much more delicious? Food eaten straight from the pan/box/tube/jar, food consumed late at night or under the covers. Food shoved into your munching cave while wearing your most shame-inducing clothes.

frigwiggin

@Craftastrophies Secret eating!

(Anybody else miss being in high school and obsessed with Strong Bad emails?)

wee_ramekin

@figwiggin AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! My friend and I would say this to each other - mimicking that creepy marshmallow's creepy voice - in college any time we felt like we should be ashamed of something. ("I need to study for my test and I haven't!" "seeecret eeeeeeating....")

Also, Li'l Brudder: "He's got the heart of a champion!"

And, having watched that episode for the first time in I don't know how long, I just realized that I seriously to this day imitate Strong Bad's intonation and phrasing. Why, yes. Yes I do. A lot.

Wookiee Hole

@figwiggin Secret eating has morphed into Secret Drinking! Later accompanied by Secret Eating.

jonquils

@wee_ramekin I do the Strong Bad voice all the time also! And Teen Girl Squad voice, on an almost daily basis. It's kind of a problem.

BScottie

@wee_ramekin Teen Girl Squad. http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs1.html

wee_ramekin

@BScottie @williejane *MSG'd!*

jonquils

@wee_ramekin Owwww my stomach lining!

frigwiggin

@williejane Ow! My most of me!

frigwiggin

@wee_ramekin My dad used to teach 5th grade, and became OBSESSED with Strong Bad when I showed him the Drawing Trogdor email. He wanted to show it to his class and have them try to draw Trogdor (I promise his lesson plans did occasionally include learning things), but he could never figure out how to bleep the part where Strong Bad says "damn." Too bad, too, a classroom full of Trogdor drawings would have been a good memento for his 20-plus years of teaching experience.

Inkling

@figwiggin So happy you posted this! I was moping from class to home yesterday and a sudden spark from my memory growled "Some people are being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous monster!" and then someone on here used "fangoriously" and it doesn't MATTER that some people laugh at you for looking up sbemails, we're adults and we get to decide what that means.

CrescentMelissa

This. I ate mcdonalds in my car tonight and cried b/c they gave me a strawberry shake even though I asked for chocolate. Also when you eat a full meal in the car it's like it didn't even happen.

BScottie

@CrescentMelissa Also, if you work in a restaurant and eat the bread at regular intervals during the day, it doesn't count. And, whatever you eat immediately after working out has been preemptively canceled out by said workout.

kiamaria

Garlic bread eaten straight from the grill for dinner - aka life is hard enough without adding dirty dishes to the mix

Wookiee Hole

@oatmealshrapnel Mmmm, Muddy Buddies. crap, need to buy ingredients with tomorrow's paycheck.

nomorecheese

Love this, but I have some better suggestions

#1 Beer

#2 Beer

#3 Beer

#4 Beer

#5 Herpes test

nomorecheese

Also, please can we all have a boozy cheesy peanut butter chocolatey pizza-y sleepover. I NEED THIS.

Cavendish

My cat had surgery a couple of weeks ago so I consoled myself with a diner breakfast. Then I checked my phone and found an email from my dad saying my parents' house had just been sold in a foreclosure auction. Thank god the waitress arrived with my plate of French toast and just that moment. I needed carbs, is what I'm saying.

P.s: my cat is fine. What we thought might be a tumor was just a spot from her compulsively licking her arm! Which took a $900 surgery to discover. Sigh. I love my little money pits.

BScottie

http://everybodylikessandwiches.com/2007/01/the-apple-of-my-eye/
Green apple, cheddar, bagel. You don't even need the cinnamon honey, I just use butter. I've made this on an English muffin, and regular ole' bread, and Triscuits. It's ALWAYS good, falls under 3 categories: "I Am Lazy", "I Am High", or "Payday Is In 3 Days and I Need One Cheap, Easy Recipe to Get Me Through".

nico@twitter

I WISH I ate my feelings. I've been having a rough month, mental-health wise, and my appetite disappears. Now I look like a bag of bones :/

tortietabbie

Trader Joe's Joe-Joes sandwich cookies, or I Hate My Life So I Smoke Until I Can't Feel My Legs.

MrsLlama

"safe topics that I faxed to you before lunch" <---- laughed way too hard at this.

pinesy

Or you can bake this cake if you're feeling extra depressed. Eat obscene amounts of it. Feel a bit sick. Get a step closer to coronary and obesity.

Don't repeat more than twice a year, though.

megsisbestest

I'm surprised that Oreos are yet to mentioned. Or am I the only one that buys a bag of double stuffs every week and eats them by dunking them into diet coke and thinking how much my adult life sucks compared to the life I dreamed of as a child

Inkling

@megsisbestest All day every day.
Kroger brand oreos (Kid-O's) are pretty harsh, but Walmart brand (Twist-n-Shouts) are delicious.

lukedempsey

Does Rose Surnow know Heather Whaley's hilarious book from two years ago, "EAT YOUR FEELINGS: Recipes for Self-Loathing?" Is Ms. Surnow's article an homage? If it is, worth saying so?

elizabethburns

my roomate's sister-in-law makes $60 every hour on the internet. She has been out of a job for nine months but last month her pay was $17511 just working on the internet for a few hours. Going Here ...www.max38.com

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