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"I always look at people and am like, I wonder how they’ll embalm."
But sometimes people won’t bring in pictures, so we just sort of go for what, in mortuary school, we called a "natural appearance." We try not to say the word sleeping, because they’re not sleeping — they’re dead.
Autumn Whitefield-Madrano's interview with makeup artist and mortician Daniella Marcantoni is fascinating and unexpectedly touching. Daniella is also a spokeswoman for Funeral Divas — a group whose founder is the "Beyoncé of the funeral industry."
I'm having the most amazing time replacing the word "sleeping" with other verbs. "We try not to say the word dancing, because they're not dancing – they're dead."
@melis "We try not to say the word flatulating, because they're not flatulating – they're dead."
@melis The only verbs I am coming up with right now are dirty words. What is wrong with me???
@figwiggin "We try not to say the word escarping, because they're not escarping – they're dead."
@melis "We try not to say the word defenestrating, because they're not defenestrating – they're dead."
@melis "We try not to say the word corpsing, because they're not corpsing – they're dead."
@Elvis Costello's Spectacles Oh, bravo.
@melis Oh but damn, I messed up the italics. Everything is ruined! That's the kind of thing I lose sleep over.
Shh…don't cry. Your grandma went to live with a nice family on a farm in the country.
@parallel-lines That reminds me of the song stylings of Miss Phoebe Buffay:
Now, Grandma's a person who everyone likes,
She bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died and some day you will too.
Aw dang, funeral director used to be my dream job. It still kind of is, but it's fallen behind trophy wife in the line-up.
@Nutmeg A friend of mine worked as a funeral director and she said the two worst parts about the job was being expected to hoist bodies around (she was 5'1–not exactly a bodybuilder) while in a suit and heels, and receving bodies that had bugs on/in them. Yes, it happened more often than you'd think.
@Nutmeg I did work experience at a funeral director's once. I enjoyed that job more than any one I've done since!
@parallel-lines If that's really the worst, I think I could do it!
@wallsdonotfall Bugs was her polite way of saying "maggots"
@parallel-lines Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
A friend in high school lived at a funeral parlor his dad was the director of, and the mortician. The Dad was a really great guy – he explained he'd been a medic in Vietnam, and was aimless when he came home. He ended up working at a funeral parlor because, due to his wartime experiences, he was numb to death, so he felt that it was a good way to take the tragic experience of the war and put it to good use helping those who were grieving. He does everyone in my family, and is an absolute master at his work.
True story from my horrid teenage years: I was kind of drunk and hanging out at their house (DIRECTLY ABOVE THE FUNERAL PARLOR) and we didn't realize there was a viewing, and put on same James Brown waaaaay to loud. It was corrected within a minute and the mourners thought it was neighbors, but I have never felt so bad in my life. I did not feel good.
@leon.saintjean Wow, your friend's dad sounds like a great guy. What a wonderful way to turn his experience around.
I would love it if they played James Brown at my funeral. Sock it to me, heh!
Would you really want a diva to handle your funeral arrangements?
@Ham Snadwich "This funeral is supposed to be my day, and I don't understand why none of you people understand that."
@melis "Lillies?! Oh HELL no!" *smash* *smash* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp*
@Ham Snadwich I'm pretty over the "diva-fying" of everything a woman does and paints it pink. "We're sassy gals!" Meh… *sorry*
@maevemealone – Seriously, I don't know how you tell when you're supposed to be sassy and when you're supposed to be aware of breast cancer.
@maevemealone The word "diva" always has a negative connotation to me.
I write obituaries and a good number of them refuse to say that the person died. Instead, they 'fell asleep with the Lord' or 'were carried off by the angels'.
@andrea disaster NICE! I would like mine to say "She was carried off by Pegasus".
@andrea disaster How do you get a gig like that?
@figwiggin My dad saw an ad in the newspaper and I applied. I wish it was a more interesting story, but that's it.
@andrea disaster I dig. Doesn't mean I'm not envious, though. I'm a fan of looking through the obits, my mom and I regularly mail each other interesting/weird ones. It's like finding friends you'll never have!
@figwiggin Do you ever read really old ones? I read a bunch in a book about Wisconsin in the late 19th century (Wisconsin Death Trip) and they are amazing. Today's obits just don't have the same poetry and scathing anger!
@tortietabbie Ah, no! That sounds spectacular, I'm going to look that book up. Very few things today have the same poetry and scathing anger as anything from the 19th century and before.
@andrea disaster I used to write obits for a Catholic order's donor magazine. It was fascinating. Depressing, but fascinating. Oddly enough, the priests did not fall asleep in the Lord – they just died.
If you ever wonder how people will look once they embalm, just turn on The Real Housewives of (wealthy locale).
Oh. Oh, this is really lovely. Thanks for the link.
@area@twitter Also, am I wrong or is a funeral one of the only days in* your life that is really, actually, all about you and how great you are? Forget Bridezilla, I want to be Corpsezilla. "Do my hair differently! Put some fake eyelashes on! Oh my God, that casket had better be WALNUT or BETTER or I am going to haunt all of your asses."
*okay, sort of
What an unexpectedly lovely interview! Thank you.
@area@twitter I keep trying to thumbs-up or reply to your comment, but apparently The Hairpin doesn't want me to, so I'm going to try it this way. When my best friend passed away in January, one of the things that made me cry-laugh during her funeral was the idea of her doing something like this, because that's totally the kind of person she was. "Why did you jerks cremate me? I would have made a lovely corpse! You, you're not crying hard enough! CRY HARDER! EVERYONE MUST MISS ME THE MOOOOOOST!" It still makes me feel strangely better.
That was a great interview. It's comforting to know that the people who prepare your loved one put so much care and attention into honoring them.
Also, I must recommend this book to you all. It's fascinating and humorous and informative. And also kind of gross. But awesome!
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers