Ask a Clean Person: Behind the Bleachie
While a Clean Person is away, we'll take a look back at the stories behind the columns.
Silver, Baking Sheets and… Wine Vomit
Do you want to know how this column came into existence? Sure you do! At The Awl Hawliday Bawl last year, I wailed and gnashed to my great friend Tyler Coates that I was having a hard time coming up with something really great to do for The (fairly recently launched) Hairpin. He suggested I write a cleaning column! I thought he was OUT OF HIS DAMN MIND! Because, ugh, what could be more boring than that, and who would ever want to read such a thing? But when I mentioned it to The Lady Edith, she was waaaaaay into it. So I emailed a group of friends to tell them I was kicking around a new project, and did they have any cleaning questions for me? I expected two, maybe three, replies — mostly from my pals who took pity on me. But oh no no! My email box BLEW UP. The questions were good, and also hilarious! Which meant I didn’t need to worry so much about being entertaining, I could let you all make the funny and I could just bleat things like “OXICLEAN” and “BAKING SODA” in response.
Still though, I wasn’t convinced. That first column I wrote was, I was sure, going to be my last. But then! You all loved it! You really, really loved it! And thus, a Clean Person was born.
The second column pulled from the pool of questions sent in by my friends, and because LW#1 and I know each other IRL she wrote, “Having the tits I have…” knowing I’d know. But for publishing I had to offer some explanation of what “the tits” meant. And I mean? This girl has KNOCKERS. So I went with “i.e. enormous” and in about T-minus five minutes of posting got a “LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ‘I.E. ENORMOUS??!?!?’” email from her. Bless, she’s such a good sport.
Also, thus marked the glorious introduction of the “protein stain.”
Stinky Bedding, Tiny Vacuums, and More Vomity Things
And y’all just kept on barfing.
I am a horrible bleach monster and everyone hates me, and we’ll just never speak of this one again.
Mouse Turds, Copper Pots, and Onion Smells
Alex Balk is a horrible mouse-maiming monster and everyone hates him, and we’ll just never speak of this one again.
Stovetops, Used Bike Shorts (Yup!), and Yellowing Sheet
Ooof. The used bike shorts, you guys. You wanna hear how it went down? I was at a party with a bunch of people who do blog things for a living; the used bike shorts question had come in earlier that day, and I sort of stared at it dejectedly, like, “I could run this and I know it would go gangbusters in terms of comments and pageviews, but that success would be at the expense of the question asker, who would undoubtedly be mocked terribly.” So I asked the crowd what they would do in my shoes, explaining that to me one of the things that makes The Hairpin so special was how nurturing, how positive, how funny-without-being-mean it was. And that I didn’t want to do anything that would be at odds with that.
Um, yeah. They basically all laughed in my face and screamed “PAGEVIEWS, JOLIE. ALWAYS THE PAGEVIEWS. Also he’s a gross person who buys used bike shorts, he doesn’t deserve your kindness.”
So yeah. Used bike shorts. Jesus.
So yeah, sometimes I let people smoke in my home.
Toilets, Ovens, and the Importance of Rubber Gloves
The photo that accompanies this column is of my actual kitchen and my actual utensils after a bath! This also marks the first appearance of Scrubbing Bubbles, the most life-changing product ever.
Spilled Nail Polish and Mysterious Smells
I get at least one nail polish-spill question a week. Ladies! Motsenbocker’s.
A shoe cleaning column, just in time for Memorial Day and its attendant whites.
The very first Special Episode of AaCP, in which I try to make up for being a horrible bleach monster. (I’m actually not really sorry. Shhh. Don’t tell the hippies.)
We all have favorites, even though moms aren’t supposed to, and my all time favorite is “my boyfriend barfed in my handbag.” Now you know.
Get Rid of Your Cats, Seriously, They Are Revolting
Seriously.
Sprouting Windows, Moldy Teeth, and Dirty Tea
One of the great joys of writing this column is that it offers no shortage of opportunities to absolutely HORRIFY Edith. The mushroom-sprouting window frame was the best of all of these and I still randomly burst into laughter (often while in public) when I think about the complete and total emotional meltdown I caused when I forwarded the original email to be all, “lollll eeew gross lolllllllll!!”
Gunky Le Creuset, Grungy Silpat, and Grody Disposals
In another act of favoritism, I ran the yellow Le Creuset question because it was asked by our very own Janie!
Hard-Cleaning a Kitchen, a Very Special Episode
I love it when you rush to my defense.
I still don’t think I’ve recovered from the research this column required. Pretty sure I scratched an entire layer of skin off in pursuit of this one.
The first of the checklist posts!
Butt Marker, Cast Iron, and Hood Grease
Since you know that “my boyfriend barfed in my handbag” is my favorite, you should know that “my friends markered my butt and then I sat on my toilet and stained it” is Edith’s poison. Fair is fair!
Why Haven't You Gotten Rid of Your Cats Yet?
WHY ARE YOU SO WILLFULLY DEFIANT?
I think we can all agree that moving is THE WORST.
Radiators, Freezers, and Fridges
La la la, don’t mind me, just hanging around the house, fingerbanging the radiator.
Cute lesbians on bikes and fancy messenger bags — what could be more Hairpin than that?!
It’s Time to Talk About Your Floors
An epic on floor cleaning.
Bras, Sex Toys, DivaCups, and Leg Waxidents
I don’t even need to say it. You already know. Because you get it and you get me and that’s why this is the greatest job in the world.
Now that you know how to do laundry, will you consider helping others to do theirs??
Get Rid of Your Men, Seriously, They Are Revolting
The Jizzcliner heralded my first 300+ comment post. Lady communes are clearly the answer.
Let’s Clean Our Beds and Then Take to Them for the Entire Winter
It’s so great when someone sends in a question that has helpful advice for the rest of us, which is why we’re all sleeping on satin pillowcases now.
Jacuzzi Jets, Shoe Polish Stains, and Glass Pipes
Bathtubs and Boy ‘Pinners and weed. So necessary.
Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you looking for a green alternative to the suggestions found here? Because we’ve got some! More importantly: Is anything you own dirty?
Photo by photosil, via Shutterstock, edited by The Hairpin
My dog peed on my light colored rug. I have scrubbed it with Nature's Miracle, but the pee outline is still there. Anyone have any advice?
@whereismyrobot I've used Oxiclean to get vomit and blood stains off my light colored rug (THEY ARE ALSO FROM MY DOG OKAY DON'T ASK).
@whereismyrobot Make a dark stain somewhere else on the rug to distract the eye!
@whereismyrobot gah, that's the worst. Here's my advice, it worked fairly well on carpet pee stains from my cat.
- Mix 50% vinegar with 50% water, use a lot of this to soak the carpet enough that it gets through the carpet to the layer below. Blot repeatedly until dry.
-After the area is pretty dry, sprinkle baking soda over the spot. Let sit.
-Mix about a half cup of hydrogen peroxide (just the over the counter stuff) with a little (teaspoon or less) detergent. Be sure to use liquid detergent and not the powdered stuff.
-Pour that mixture over the baking soda and scrub it into baking soda. Work it through with a brush. Watch your eyes, it can get pretty noxious!
-Repeatedly blot till dry, then vacumn up whatever is left over.
Bam! Until your dog pees in the same spot again, which it will probably do.
@whereismyrobot I love Nature's Miracle to get the smell out of the carpet so that your dog (hopefully) won't pee there again, but I'm going to second the Oxiclean suggestion. Buy a big tub of the crystals so you can make it into a spray or a paste whenever you need to, and use that on pretty much anything your pets throw at you (not literally- hopefully your dog doesn't throw stuff). We've got two dogs and have had our big container for two years and still haven't run out.
I'm headed off to Myrtle Beach for the weekend (goodbye, Colorado snow! Muahahaha.) and I said <3 u, beachie on my facebook status but no one got it.
@cmonster I would have!
@cmonster I, uh, might have lifted that idea because I miss the beach soooo much. And I'm pretty sure that within 10 minutes at least one person got it. I'm seeing him in person in 10 minutes and I'm asking.
@wee_ramekin I know! I know you would have! I need more 'pinners in my life.
@automatic door You have cooler friends than me. Well, depending on how that turns out. Him, huh? Fellas getting less filthy? Be proud, Jolie.
@cmonster "Do you read the Hairpin?"
"…Sometimes? Okay?!"
@cmonster I am going to use this as my facebook status and see who gets it
@smidge It's like our secret sign.
Detective 1: "<3 u, bleachie."
Detective 2: Nods, hands him a super-confidential packet of clean secrets the government's been hiding from us. "Qream."
@cmonster I almost bought Qream for a party, but I figured there would be no other 'pinners there and everyone would just think I was gross.
You're doing a cracker jack job with these, Jolie. I have learned so much!
And, now, let me share something I couldn't share in the laundry column comments, because I was a week late on that one: The reason to start the water on your washer and add the soap before you add the clothes is so that the soap and water mix and form one solution. Otherwise, if you add clothes, add detergent, and then start the water, the soap won't ever truly mix with the water and, if you use blue soap, it can stain your clothes.
Ah, I feel better now. I think about this every time I do laundry.
@sam.i.am Great, now I'm going to have to start doing that as I no longer have the "oh, it doesn't matter, Jolie said so" excuse.
@sam.i.am Ah, yes, the detergent stains. Lesson learned on that thanks to frat parties with blacklights. Oh 1999, why did you love blacklights so much?
while avoiding getting work done this week, i finally decided to try out oxiclean on my totally stained up precious white and yellow gingham curtains. OH EM GEE, that stuff is amazing!! thank you a clean person
it took about a day of pastes and sitting and scrubbing and soaks, but they look better than they did new. so pretty <3
<3/miss you, Jolieie.
Oh, memories.
I checked Martha Stewart's Homekeeping (it came up in one of the comment threads) out of the library, got twenty pages into it, said "What am I, a wizard?", and resolved to never take cleaning advice from anyone except A Clean Person ever again.
@wharrgarbl CLEAN ALL THE THINGS
@smidge That is pretty much the entire message of the book. It's a fucking doorstop of "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS." I didn't even have to open it before I was making the face and mentally saying "All the things?" Even then, I didn't suspect how many things that book expects you to clean.
SOOOOOOoooooo in line with the "y'all keep barfing" comment I'm just wondering, you know, kind of sort of hypothetically, if anybody has advice for getting vomit off of suede?
like … brand new suede shoes that did not at all clear the splash zone?
I've already managed to undo a lot of the damage with foamy soap (and did not ruin the shoes in the process thankfully!) but … not ALL the damage
Few writers have a voice as distinct as Jolie. It is a most delightful meritage of daintiness, refinement, education, and a willingness to confront the nasty.
Miss u, bleachie queen.
The Hairpin in general has changed my life, but one of the biggest parts of that is Ask a Clean Person. I scrub my sink almost once a week! I vacuum, too! The dishes are still overwhelming, but there's progress! I just think of Jolie and knuckle down, because dangit, living clean is gratifying.
@figwiggin OK, I actually vaccum once a week now, and I do try to change my sheets like once a month (it used to just be until they stank too much, THE LAUNDRY ROOM IS SO FAR), so I am like, super proud of myself.
@figwiggin
Do you know what I did on Tuesday? I MOPPED. I didn't sweep, I didn't Swiffer, I MOPPED. And it was glorious! Jolie is changing me as a person. I have seen the future, and you could eat off of it.
I'm the vomit pillow person from the third column and when I went back to reread that column I realized everybody was like, "Uh huh, that 'stomach flu' is a reaaaalll killer." I resent the notion that I would lie about my alcohol intake, for it is legion, but I really did have the flu!
I broke out the baking soda and totally impressed my crazy compulsive cleaning flatmate just this week.
These columns have changed my cleaning habits! Vinegar to the rescue!
I am still so bothered by the jizzcliner
i used to mock the large bottles/boxes of vinegar/baking soda because come on, who ever needs that much? NO LONGER! I fully embrace my super-sized multi-purposeful tools of cleaner living. Thanks, Jolie! (But still, <3 u, Bleachie.)