So Lindsay is back in court today for something? And the judge could give her a year and a half in jail. When we heard this we were like, "Wait. What did she do again? How did this even start? Did she do something actually terrible or do people just talk junk about her all the time and this is a minor probation violation feedback loop she got in and now she'll go to prison? That is so crazy! Remember?" We needed to go back to the beginning, but we didn't care about, you know, everything. TL;DR to the max. What we needed was an Abridged Lindsay Lohan Legal Troubles Timeline. And lo:
2004: Mean Girls comes out and everyone still loves her, or loves her more. Things are great! Being 17 and Lindsay Lohan is the best. She begins to celebrate...
2004-5: Lindsay gets into a couple car crashes. No one is seriously hurt, but a few people sue her. Things are not as great, but all teens get into fender benders, right? No? What?
2006, all of it: In general, a sucky year. She tells Vanity Fair she has an eating disorder, her boss on a movie is all pissed at her, and she says she's in AA but keeps getting drunk a lot. Her parents are not awesome.
2007: Then she goes to drug rehab for a minute??? It doesn't seem to take. 2007 is very much the "Gateway Drugs and Slippery Slopes" year for Linds. Ugh. She gets caught on tape doing cocaine, remember? Then does a lot of partying in nightclubs in NYC even though she's not 21 yet. People are accusing her of stealing. Things are bad!
May 26, 2007: She crashes her car again, this time into a curb in Beverly Hills at 5 a.m., leaves the scene before the cops get there, but to her credit heads directly to a hospital. The cops find her, charge her with DUI. (Now we're getting somewhere! A serious crime!) They also find coke in her car. *shakes head* She spends the next few months trying some rehab spots and still being a mess. And then (I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS)...
July 24, 2007: She gets drunk and high on coke (supposedly) and basically carjacks some dudes at a party and takes them on a high speed chase in pursuit of one of her assistants, who had just quit working for her after some kind of fight at a house party. One of the dudes jumps out the car, and she runs over his foot! The chick she's chasing calls the police, and Lindsay is arrested for DUI, driving on a suspended license (from that first DUI), and cocaine possession.
August 2007: She's eventually charged with a bunch of misdemeanors and gets in kind of a lot of trouble for having two DUIs so close to each other. In a plea deal (I think? This whole thing gets so complex that only her lawyers know for sure), things shake down like so: one day in jail, 10 days community service, three years of probation, and she has 18 months to complete a dozen or so "alcohol eduction classes," whatever those are. This is what we're still dealing with today, essentially.
2009: Spends the whole year not doing her alcohol education program thingy and sometimes misses court or is late for court or doesn't show up for community service. People keep saying she steals a lot. Shit like that, all year.
April/May 2010: In and out of court for not finishing the alcohol classes, so they ban her from drinking, put an ankle bracelet on her that detects alcohol, and make her do weekly drug tests.
June 8, 2010: The alcohol bracelet GOES OFF! She does 12 days in jail for this a few months later.
The rest of 2010: In and out of court-ordered rehab, settin' ankle bracelets off all over the place, failing drug tests. Lindsay just generally keeps violating probation and the courts sometimes get mad at her and sometimes they don't.
January 22, 2011: Oh jeez, now she goes and steals a gold necklace from a jewelry store. She's charged with grand theft. Here's where things get buck.
The rest of 2011: Too much happens! The gist is she has good lawyers who keep her out of jail for months and plea bargain the heck out of some stuff. This summer she was sentenced to jail on the necklace thing, but eventually they just put her under house arrest because of prison overcrowding or something? She also got 480 hours of community service. She does 35 days of house arrest but in the meantime fails an alcohol test, which is a violation of her probation that she's on from one of the DUIs a while back. AND she keeps not going to court-ordered therapy for having sticky fingers. AND she got kicked out of one place she was supposed to be doing her community service.
And then, to top it all off, this. So, that's where we are. We did not realize how "real" her crimes were since there are always bad things being said about her. Sad! You were really good at your job before and so pretty. Stop stealing things, Lindsay! Drink at home, alone, and stay there 'til you pass out like a normal person. Just calm down and be more regular in general, please.
What is gonna happen today?