Wednesday, October 19, 2011


An Abridged Lindsay Lohan Legal Troubles Timeline

So Lindsay is back in court today for something? And the judge could give her a year and a half in jail. When we heard this we were like, "Wait. What did she do again? How did this even start? Did she do something actually terrible or do people just talk junk about her all the time and this is a minor probation violation feedback loop she got in and now she'll go to prison? That is so crazy! Remember?" We needed to go back to the beginning, but we didn't care about, you know, everything. TL;DR to the max. What we needed was an Abridged Lindsay Lohan Legal Troubles Timeline. And lo:

2004: Mean Girls comes out and everyone still loves her, or loves her more. Things are great! Being 17 and Lindsay Lohan is the best. She begins to celebrate...

2004-5: Lindsay gets into a couple car crashes. No one is seriously hurt, but a few people sue her. Things are not as great, but all teens get into fender benders, right? No? What?

2006, all of it: In general, a sucky year. She tells Vanity Fair she has an eating disorder, her boss on a movie is all pissed at her, and she says she's in AA but keeps getting drunk a lot. Her parents are not awesome.

2007: Then she goes to drug rehab for a minute??? It doesn't seem to take. 2007 is very much the "Gateway Drugs and Slippery Slopes" year for Linds. Ugh. She gets caught on tape doing cocaine, remember? Then does a lot of partying in nightclubs in NYC even though she's not 21 yet. People are accusing her of stealing. Things are bad!

May 26, 2007: She crashes her car again, this time into a curb in Beverly Hills at 5 a.m., leaves the scene before the cops get there, but to her credit heads directly to a hospital. The cops find her, charge her with DUI. (Now we're getting somewhere! A serious crime!) They also find coke in her car. *shakes head* She spends the next few months trying some rehab spots and still being a mess. And then (I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS)...

July 24, 2007: She gets drunk and high on coke (supposedly) and basically carjacks some dudes at a party and takes them on a high speed chase in pursuit of one of her assistants, who had just quit working for her after some kind of fight at a house party. One of the dudes jumps out the car, and she runs over his foot! The chick she's chasing calls the police, and Lindsay is arrested for DUI, driving on a suspended license (from that first DUI), and cocaine possession.

August 2007: She's eventually charged with a bunch of misdemeanors and gets in kind of a lot of trouble for having two DUIs so close to each other. In a plea deal (I think? This whole thing gets so complex that only her lawyers know for sure), things shake down like so: one day in jail, 10 days community service, three years of probation, and she has 18 months to complete a dozen or so "alcohol eduction classes," whatever those are. This is what we're still dealing with today, essentially.

2007-8: Things are still pretty much a mess as she's accused of stealing a fur coat from some chick and partying on video again.

2009: Spends the whole year not doing her alcohol education program thingy and sometimes misses court or is late for court or doesn't show up for community service. People keep saying she steals a lot. Shit like that, all year.

April/May 2010: In and out of court for not finishing the alcohol classes, so they ban her from drinking, put an ankle bracelet on her that detects alcohol, and make her do weekly drug tests.

June 8, 2010: The alcohol bracelet GOES OFF! She does 12 days in jail for this a few months later.

The rest of 2010: In and out of court-ordered rehab, settin' ankle bracelets off all over the place, failing drug tests. Lindsay just generally keeps violating probation and the courts sometimes get mad at her and sometimes they don't.

January 22, 2011: Oh jeez, now she goes and steals a gold necklace from a jewelry store. She's charged with grand theft. Here's where things get buck.

The rest of 2011: Too much happens! The gist is she has good lawyers who keep her out of jail for months and plea bargain the heck out of some stuff. This summer she was sentenced to jail on the necklace thing, but eventually they just put her under house arrest because of prison overcrowding or something? She also got 480 hours of community service. She does 35 days of house arrest but in the meantime fails an alcohol test, which is a violation of her probation that she's on from one of the DUIs a while back. AND she keeps not going to court-ordered therapy for having sticky fingers. AND she got kicked out of one place she was supposed to be doing her community service.

And then, to top it all off, this. So, that's where we are. We did not realize how "real" her crimes were since there are always bad things being said about her. Sad! You were really good at your job before and so pretty. Stop stealing things, Lindsay! Drink at home, alone, and stay there 'til you pass out like a normal person. Just calm down and be more regular in general, please.

What is gonna happen today?

Photo by Entertainment Press, via Shutterstock.



134 Comments / Post A Comment


I really miss Mean Girls Lindsay. Can we just send her to a farm somewhere in the countryside so we don't have to have that great memory soiled any further by hearing more of this trainwreckclusterfuckery that's been plaguing her since then?


@meganmaria maybe she could go live with Dave Chappelle on his farm? but then it would be so adorable that we'de have to make a valuesy sitcom out of it and the whole process would start over again. vicious cycle!


@meganmaria I'm stealing the word "trainwreckclusterfuckery", thank you! :)


If a beautiful, famous, rich white lady is about to go to jail for year and a half, there's probably a really good reason why.


@joeks Truer words were never spoken...


A whole article of Lindsay Lohan's poor, drug-influenced decisions and not a mention of I Know Who Killed Me.


Let's all just stack the bodies in the cellar, lock the door, leave quietly, one at a time, and pretend that none of this ever happened.


@melis Being Mrs. White for Halloween. You made my DAY.



For sheee's a jolly good fe-llow,
For sheee's a jolly good fe-llow,
For sheee's a jolly good fe-ell-low,

Oh Mrs. Peacock...the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.


@melis I can only hope dearly that I lose track of the times people make me say "Flames... on the side of my face... heaving, breathless, heaving breaths... heaving..."


@youresmalltime I'm thinking about being Sexy Colonel Mustard.


@Ophelia I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.


@melis Coke pants were just a red herring!


@melis I was actually Sexy Colonel Mustard a few years back, when my friends all did the cast of Clue and won so many party prizes for Best Costume(s)! And I was only "Sexy" because I wore a skirt and boots and kept my shirt unbuttoned low...I didn't buy a man's suit, basically, but I did buy a brown hat and spectacles? And wore a mustard-colored blazer. I don't know, one makes strange decisions in one's mid-twenties.


@Ophelia Sexy Clue Cook.


@melis I had to stop her from screaming!

Jolie Kerr



I thought men like you were usually called fruits.


Flies are where men are most vulnerable.


@melis Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

(Do note my avatar!)

Jolie Kerr

Me too, I am frightened, I also drank ze cognac, mon dieu *sniffle*




1 plus 2 plus 1 plus 1...


@melis I love you.


@melis: Unrelated, but seeing Coleen Camp for the first time was like touching the monolith in 2001, if the monolith just evolved boners


That's pretty related, if you ask me.

Chesty LaRue

@Argyle My iPod has the exact same sweater


Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame
You know exactly who's to blame:
The mother and the father*

*Certainly this isn't always the case!
There is some music that she needs to face
But it could be that her home situation
Isn't ideal for rehabilitation
(Here is an example, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun)

Oompa loompa loompa di di
Her dad can't stop talking to TMZ
Oompa loompa loompa di dooprah
Her mother refers to herself as White Oprah
Or at least she did once (dun dun dun dun dun dun dun).


@apatosaurus Oh man, I just realized I put "lion of shame" instead of "lie and a shame." Now I'M the lion of shame!

(That's what you get when you cut and you paste
The rest of your joke is a horrible waste)


@apatosaurus The "lion of shame" is TOTALLY cracking me up though! Also: "dooprah"


@apatosaurus I assumed it went with the cat theme! Also Lindsay's jacked-up cracked-out cat-face.


@punkahontas Yes! Lion of Shame should really be a thing.


@apatosaurus The Lion of Shame: http://www.flickr.com/photos/izzi_zz/348800539/


@Ophelia It just got shot in Ohio


I think it's cute how we're all pretending she's still an actress.


@Alice :( womp womp.


@Alice oh SNAP!


Ah, the slowly-grinding revolving door of the legal system. Unless you don't have a good lawyer, in which case you will be sentenced to time served two years from now, when you finally get your case heard.


*Lets out a huge Liz Lemon BLERG*


Her hair color is to die for in that picture. Which era was that?


@rootmarm And her face! If I had to guess, I'd say 2005 or 2006?


@rootmarm At the very least she should be sentenced to return to her original color.


@krista YES! Those eyes of hers are making me want to go put on a ton of MAC "Constructivist" Paint Pot.


@hands_down And maybe no access to tanning?

Oh, squiggles

If there is anything I have learned from Misfits, it is that you should do your community services so you can:
A. Get a cool super power
B. Have adventures, while being pithy and snarky
C. Possibly meet the younger version of your future boyfriend who turns out to be super hot and also kind of like Batman?

elysian fields

@Awesomely Nonfunctional yes yes yes yes yes!


@Awesomely Nonfunctional LOOOOOOVE that show! Though future career choice of parole officer/community support worker has officially been nixed.


@Awesomely Nonfunctional: I'm still waiting for the opportunity to say, "I'm pretty sure this violates the terms of my ASBO."

Oh, squiggles

@laurel This DOES violate the terms of my ASBO!

Also: Can we please stop killing our probation workers?


@Awesomely Nonfunctional Save me, Barry!


She needs to go to jail. She needs to hit rock bottom. But like any other person with an addiction she has to reach that point on her own. Too many people have been swooping in to save her, like is the case with many addicts.


"Drink at home, alone, and stay there 'til you pass out like a normal person."

This pretty much just validated my entire existence.


@AmandaBunny It makes me want a glass of wine. I just want to be on my couch with a pile of magazines for the rest of the day. I would even settle for drinking tea instead of the wine.


"These aren't my pants" was basically the hottest catchphrase of 2007.


@sunnyciegos: This is a critical piece of information missing in the above.

Tuna Surprise

The phrase "Coke Pants" was the real gift LaLohan has given to society.


@sunnyciegos Yes. I just popped down here to point out this oversight. That is actually my favorite part of this whole car accident.


I can't help it; I still feel sorry for her. I know she's an adult now and should take responsibility for her own actions, but I just think there's no way for her to ever get it together with the "support system" she has around her. If she cut off her toxic mother like Drew Barrymore did, maybe she'd be able to get it together, but as long as everyone around her is a parasite and an enabler, I don't know how she'll ever become a productive member of society again.


@fatgirlinohio I also feel a ridiculous amount of Lohan sympathy. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that we're close to the same age so I feel like I grew up with her and I just really want her to get her shit together.

Oh, and because I watched this lifetime movie about Lindsay-esque teen celebrity who spins out of control and is sent to live in a small town with her aunt and go to high school like a regular nonfamous person (in disguise, of course). Even though that was one of the worst Lifetime movies I've ever seen, I really think it would be the best thing for Lindsay.


@elizabeast What is that movie called? I will totally watch it.


@Ophelia I think that I read the book that that movie was based on! I think it was True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet. Totally entertaining young adult book, good for any vacation.


@fatgirlinohio I also feel a ridiculous amount of sympathy for her.

A big part of it, for me, comes from the fact that she came of age in paparazzi culture. I remember the months before she turned 18, and how utterly sickening it was to read peoples' comments on websites about how they "couldn't wait until she was legal", comments about her "tits" and "fire-crotch" and other shit like that. It was utterly and completely disgusting. Plus, my understanding is that the paparazzi have to leave you alone until you're 18, but the second you turn 18, they can descend upon you like a hoard of revolting locusts. Imagine how terrifying that would be. I feel incandescent rage on behalf of stars like Emma Watson, Hayden Patteniere and others who have had to endure this exploitation of their sexuality, especially at such a young age.

I know that this is not in-and-of-itself a reason for Lindsay's behavior, but I do think that the ridiculous amount of oversexualization our society heaped upon her, plus a crappy family / support system, PLUS what seems to be an addictive personality have not been helpful to her.

That said, I think she needs to serve time for her crimes, and I hope that she can get the help she needs while she's in jail.


@wee_ramekin I also think it's really hard mentally to wrap your head around the idea that your parents might not actually have your best interests in mind. Or even that they do, but aren't really equipped with the best judgment. As a child you trust your parents to make good decisions for you, and I think that even in the face of evidence to the contrary, you want to believe they're protecting you and that they have more experience with the world and know what's best. Anyone from the outside trying to contradict what her mother says might seem like an attack.


@thebestjasmine Yes, that's totally it! Starring JoJo, I believe!


Cheesy teen movie drive-by: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, which I have seen like four times.
No JoJo, but Megan Fox and Allison Pill.


@applestoapples Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen starred Lindsay! The circle of liiife


thanks for linking to the Mean Girls website which tells me Mean Girls is available now on DVD and VHS! and now I feel old.


@lizkimballet Why on earth is it available on VHS?


@lizkimballet What's VHS?


@kayjay A primitive form of carbon dating.

Wookiee Hole

@kayjay Is VHS a carb?


Maybe Britney's dad can open the Jamie Spears Center For Hot Mess Former Disney Starlets and take all of these poor ladies in?

oh, disaster

I just came across old issues of Seventeen and Teen People from the early 00s and one had a picture of Lindsay at an event with the caption "Lindsay is always the life of the party!" Sigh.


She's been screwing up for seven years straight?! I'm surprised she looks as good as she does. I really want to know who does her makeup. If that was my life for the last seven years, I'd be on faces of meth...or dead.


@Slutface Nah this is a really old picture. Now she looks how you'd expect her to, with her lifestyle.


@Slutface Remember how old she is. She looks at least ten years older than she really is, it's so sad.


@Slutface I take it you haven't seen the latest sad picture of her teeth. It was even posted on the hairpin. She's got such a meth mouth now.


I hate to break it to you, ladies, but she was not really that good in Mean Girls. She was fine, I guess, but she was very very aware of the camera. You could SEE her "acting," rather than being the character naturally.
*dodges flying tomatoes*


@gobblegirl I agree. Rachel McAdams steals the show.


@gobblegirl Absolutely agree. The other mean girls acted circles around her, and she had the easy, charming role. Also I can't stand her premature smoker's voice. Ugh.


@gobblegirl I love Mean Girls, but still agree with you. Everyone else basically stole that movie out from under her.


@gobblegirl I accidentally deleted my comment, because I'm full of dumb today.

She has never been a great actress. Ever. But that movie still rocks, because of literally every other person in that movie. Even the girl with the wide-set vagina.

Amy Swindle@facebook

@gobblegirl It's true, but for me the love is more, "She's charming! She's likable! She's got red hair and a curvy body! She makes fun movie choices!"


@gobblegirl LIZZY CAPLAN!

H.E. Ladypants

@gobblegirl I think the only movie I've ever actually enjoyed her in was "A Prairie Home Companion." She was still being out acted by everyone around her (she was up against Meryl Streep, though, so not really her fault) but she did a pretty solid job of being a depressed teen forced to sing chipper folksy songs on the radio.


@gobblegirl: Mean Girls, starring Lacey Chabert and some other people is how I see it


@gobblegirl So fetch. And whatever happened to Damien? Danny DeVito, I love your work!!

I thought LiLo was good in Mean Girls. Yeah, you could see the "acting," but she carried the movie and was all around charming. I think people get sad about her because she's clearly talented and had the potential to become a really excellent actress later on, but, you know, whoops.


At this point I am actually hoping they put her in jail for the entire year and half with no chance of early release. I am generally incredibly anti-prison but my god she has to be shut off from the insane fame machine somehow and this seems to be the only way.


Plus, you can't dye your hair in jail. Maybe the red will return!


I've been pretty much ignoring LL, as I've done for most of her career, so most of this was news to me. What a mess! I mean, I KNEW she was a mess, but JEEZ. Even more of a mess than I thought.


I still love Lindsay and am down for her. My twenties were one long fuck up, in different ways certainly but the only difference is that no one was following me around documenting it. I guess that's one of the many reasons I have a soft spot for her. I hope jail straightens her shit out however futile that hope might be.


Oh my god, that link at the end, with the teeth...*shivers*.


It was sad to see her in that Parent Trap interview talking about how she wanted to go to college. I also miss her actual face, and can't figure out what she did to her cheeks/lips/eyes (does she go to Jocelyn Wildenstein's guy??), or where she found the time to do it between court dates and rehabs!



I don't know how to phrase this without coming across as a total creeper...but if Lindsay Lohan had grown up to be an adult version of how she looked in The Parent Trap, she would be so my type I can't even. Let me qualify this by saying I am younger than Lindsay Lohan (and had a total crush on her when I was 8 and seeing The Parent Trap for the first time).


@Decca Hahahaha. I totally get what you mean. She was a super cute kid and super cute kids usually grow up to be cute adults who do not do bizarre plastic surgery to their face before they hit 25. And you being younger does indeed make it a far less creepy thing to say (I'm about 5 years older, so I wouldn't have been able to say that given that the Parent Trap came out when I was like 16).


I feel like I need to write my eyes a very long apology letter for subjecting them to reading about Lohan yet again.

Anyway, back to Sister Wives on Netflix!

Wookiee Hole

@kayjay Ooohh, Sister Wives in on Netflix? Score!


Gaahh! That picture of her teeth makes me want to brush mine forever and ever, infinity. Poor girl.


This was some heroic summarizing!


I was at a party with a very coked up LiLo in Williamsburg, 2007, in which she fled in pursuit of someone sans leather jacket which my friend Beth snatched up and probably still sleeps with.


So does anyone read this and then think of the scandals of Classic Hollywood posts and think how today's scandals just will never measure up and really, what a spoiled brat, and omg when is the next one of those posts coming?!


@NormaDesmond YES. I've been jonesin' for one of those. Will they ever return???


@NormaDesmond I reread the Ava Gardner one last night! I want a Frances Farmer one!!!


@NormaDesmond I don't know. Classic Hollywood Scandals are very sweeping and epic and melodramatic and fashionable and all, but Modern Hollywood Scandals have car chases and outrageous lies (coke-pants!) and gratuitous nudity and maybe a lot of arson. They're really pretty exciting.


Totally agree. Strong writing can somehow make the shallow people of the past seem monumental.


"Click. Flash. Wow. Fornarina."

- Lindsay Lohan


Also, Lifesize, anyone?


@Decca That song they do at the end remains one of the funniest things I've ever seen.



Eve's great!
No matter where she goes
Dress her up!
From her head to her toes
In the town, at the ball
She loves high fashion
After dark at the club
She'll spend the whole night dancing...

(That's from memory)

I think Tyra is actually great in that film. She has good comedic timing! Who knew?


@Decca Shine bright shine far, BE A STAR!
Yeah I felt like in that scene they all knew we'd be laughing at them, so they may as well play along.


@HeyThatsMyBike Best line, uttered By Tyra when LiLo is crying

"Casey...your eyes...they're wet...."

My friends and I still resort to this when one of us is upset.


@Decca I always felt bad for the dad actor who has been in a few legitimate things. He was practically looking off-camera to see if there was somebody there to sign his paycheck for the whole movie.


"I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!!! Learn from this."

I feel like this quote is appropriate. I was a huge Lindsay fan, but these past few years have just been a mess.


Remember the day you found out she was in Prairie Home Companion?


@DMcK Remember the day you found out they were making that movie? I'm all for a story from Lake Wobegon..but ugh.


@DMcK I don't think she's a terribly good actress, but I actually sort of liked her in Prairie Home Companion? It's a very earnest, uncool performance and she sings "Frankie and Johnny" endearingly!


@DMcK I maintain that PHC was when she took a turn for the worse, because she had to dye her hair blonde for it. If she had only stayed a redhead, everything would have been fine!


@Decca Sure! But I couldn't help visualizing Altman in a pre-production meeting going, "That's right, Lindsay Lohan. What am I missing here?"


I feel like if that Ronson lady DJ hadn't dumped her so spectacularly she would probably not be such a mess. I remember from D-Listed of yore that Ronson was a good influence. I think. It's been so long.


@lobsterhug Yes, why has no one mentioned that? I have only vague memories, mostly because I had a sort of sense of 'oh, someone is looking out for her, now I don't need to pay attention'.


@lobsterhug No! Lindsay was at her worst when she was dating Ronson. Granted, it was when the relationship was a secret--that's when the car jacking thing happened.


I work very closely with the recovery community and I still find myself asking no in particular: "How can Eminem get his shit together and become relatively sane and talented again, but she can't?"
I have no answers.


@SuperMargie Remember how no one heard from Eminem for a good long while because he stepped away from the spotlight for as long as he needed to to work through his issues? I'm sure the difference is somehow related to that.


I am on record as having zero Lohan sympathy, but I don't root against her, either. In her case, that is essentially wishing for her death.

I do think her repeated acts of assholeness (see, for example, not showing up NINE times to her court-ordered community service at a women's shelter, then saying she found the work "unfulfilling") are pretty illustrative of her character. I guess that is why it surprises me when she has so many sympathizers.

I just think she is an asshole with a drug problem who was in a couple of good movies as a teen. And that she had AMAZING makeup in this picture.


@karion The amazing thing about the LiLo story is what a typical addict she is. The ridiculous lies that she thinks she's getting away with that absolutely nobody believes, the fact that everything she does is done with great self-interest, assuming she'll get away with it (e.g. the not showing up to community service), and the totally obvious fact that her every move relates to where and how she'll get her next fix (the constant clubbing right after leaving rehab, the trying to get away with boozing while her ankle bracelet was on) - she does it all! It's completely textbook.

It's like watching an addict you know and love self-destruct, except on tv and in magazines!


@HeyThatsMyBike: Yes, she could be my brother, except for the being famous and passably good at anything part. Most addicts I know have spent a lot of time acting like self-centered assholes before they've gotten clean. Because it's all about the drugs, nothing and no one else matters.

Nate Jones@twitter

And now I have no idea what happened to her face:


fondue with cheddar

@Nate Jones@twitter Bruise-colored blush and eyeshadow to try to detract attention from the actual bruises. It's not helping. She's got one on her arm that looks like someone grabbed her.


Lindsay had a lot of problem with the law in the past few years and I don`t think she realized this is bad and she should stop doing illegal activities. I saw at the TV the high speed chase, if I were that man I would ask for help accident lawyer Louisville, I know Randy Ratliff for a long time an he is one of the best lawyers from my town.


As a result of her DUI, Lindsay also cannot enter Canada without special permission. This will affect her ability to work, as Hollywood movies are often filmed in Canadian cities such as Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal. Now obviously a wealthy person such as Lindsay could just hire a Canada immigration attorney to get her a Temporary Resident Permit allowing her legal entry into Canada, but it's still another consequence of her actions.


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