Amusingly Horrible Things Bosses Have Said: The Bracket
Bosses sometimes say amazing things, so we asked you to anonymously pass along the best you've heard, and we made it into a tournament. An impartial judge picked the "winners."
1. [After I pledge to fix a minor office problem:] "Stop being all CALM. You're doing that thing again where you get all CALM on me. Do you understand why I'm upset? I want you to be upset too."
2. "Your handwriting is awful. You really need to take some time to find yourself."
3. [I sprained my ankle, but didn't have crutches. It was summer. Boss turned off A/C in our office, so I explained that even walking around gets me sweaty now (due to sprain/limping). His response, having forgotten that I had sprained my ankle:] "Jesus Christ! I know people get out of shape in college, but really?! You need to get back to the gym!"
4. [When I told her I was pregnant:] “Did you do that on purpose?”
5. [During my six-month review:] "Your goal for the next six months should be to find a new job. I don't think you have what it takes to make it in fundraising."
6. “Is [new employee] the one with the [mimes cupping large breasts, raises eyebrows suggestively] or the fat one?"
7. "It's good for you because now you can spend time with your boyfriend." [As I'm being laid off from a global PR firm where I held a senior level position.]
8. [Right after confessing that I was in the process of confronting my alcoholism, getting sober and might need to adjust my work schedule:] "…so you're going to be a slacker now?"
9. [I had to go in for a biopsy to find out the status of potentially cancerous cells. The procedure ran a little later than usual so I emailed my boss to let him know I'd be 30 minutes late coming in.]
Boss: “So, what did you have to go in for today?”
Me: "It was a biopsy."
Boss: "Oh, neat. Can I see where they did it?"
Me: "Um, no."
Boss: "Oh, really? Maaaybe it was because you didn't actually go to the doctor this morning? Hmmm?"
Me: "It was from the cervical area."
Boss: "So, can I see it?"
10. “Next time, remind me not to hire anyone with kids.”
11. [When our very small company moved to a new office suite, none of us employees were involved with the actual moving; the boss hired movers to move everything. When I arrived at the new place on Monday morning, the boss led me to my new quarters. It was at the end of a long corridor.] "Oh," I said, pleased, "I get my own private office now!" As he turned to leave he replied, very sincerely, "Yeah, I learned a long time ago that in business you put the prettiest girls up near the front, where customers come in, and the plain ones in back."
12. [At a happy hour on my first day as an intern, my new 'tipsy' boss kept introducing me by saying:] "This our Monica Lewinsky."
13. [After explaining to my boss that my boyfriend's younger brother was hospitalized the night before from an overdose of heroin and Klonopin:] "Oh. Good! When you said he was ill, I assumed it was something terminal like cancer!"
14. [After making me re-interview for my job and then firing me:] "It would just be unfair if I let you hog the position. You don't mind training your replacement, right? It's the least you could do."
15. Boss: So you have a tattoo?
Me: Yes, it's of Nebraska [where I'm from].
Boss: So you're one of those girls.
16. "I mean, it's not like you need a degree to do this." [I have a degree.]
17. [Explaining why he was firing me the day after I returned from a "vacation" visiting my grandmother on her deathbed:] "Too many people get sick or die in your family."
18. [While trying to come up with a job title for my role designing fliers:] "I'm not going to call you a graphic designer… that would be an insult to graphic designers."
19. “Will you please talk to my attorney in this sexual harassment case,” [which was actually filed by a jilted but very smart ex-girlfriend], “since, you know, I actually sexually harassed you and you still have a job here?”
20. [First thing out of my boss's mouth upon my entry into the office:] "You look haggard this morning!"
21. [Every year, my boss would have us decorate the department for Christmas, including stockings, a Christmas tree, and, no joke, a manger. And every year she would invite the entire department into her office to listen to her rail against the company memo that invariably circulated urging department managers to hold "Holiday" parties and keep any seasonal festivities secular and inclusive.] "If you don't believe in Jesus Christ, then you have nothing to celebrate," she'd say. Then later she'd call me into the office and say she hoped she hadn't offended me because my husband is Muslim.
22. "I'm sorry about your diagnosis [of a degenerative disease], but I have always found that the cure for any disease is just to have more sex."
23. [After learning that a second trimester miscarriage was the cause of my tardiness:] "Well it's a good thing that happened now! Man, I bet you're sure relieved."
24. [Upon seeing a photograph of me:] “Wow! What a great picture! You know how some people look so good in person but come out looking just awful in pictures? With you, it's just the opposite.”
25. [At my last fashion retail job:] "I've found that attractive salespeople get too distracted by flirtatious customers. That's why I never hire them."
26. [A few Fridays in a row my boss asked me if I had weekend plans. Unfortunately, for these few weekends, I did not. One such Friday afternoon, in an unrelated bit of conversation, I briefly mentioned that my boyfriend and I are involved in a long-distance relationship, and she said:] “Oh, so that's why you have no life."
27. "I don't believe in taking antidepressants."
28. [While I tried to gently and discreetly discuss with my male boss the untidiness of our shared bathroom (i.e. floor pee), he says:] "So you think that I did that? Did you know that I have to kneel down to pee? Because of a piercing that I used to have in my penis. I do. I have to kneel down. To pee."
29. [Working as a copyeditor at a vanity publishing company, I had written that a manuscript "prob. needs major cuts." Boss called me into his office and read me my note.] "P-R-O-B? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
30. "I called this meeting because I think we need to talk about the level of professionalism at this office [spits tobacco into a clear plastic cup]." (THIS LITERALLY HAPPENED)
31. [On the phone with his girlfriend in a baby voice:] "Oh nice, baby, nice! That's really cool, babe. Baby, you should make that your Facebook status update! I said you should make it your Facebook status update. Your Facebook status update. I said you should make that your Facebook status update. On Facebook. You should say that on Facebook."
32. [After multiple people had complained about the office being too cold, a boss walked by me wearing a scarf and gloves at my desk:] "Looks like you need more blood."
Previously: Things Moms Have Said, Things Significant Others Have Said.
Next: Amusingly Horrible Things Strangers Have Said. Please submit!
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3 weeks ago, not a boss but a supervisor: "I can't help but thinking about making love to you. I know I'm your dads age and that makes it awkward, but…it would just be so easy to fall in love." Omg do I win?!
@but i'm a bird Uh, you win your sexual harassment lawsuit.
@but i'm a bird OH MY GODDDDDDD.
@fairlyalarmed Also. He had tears in his eyes when he told me these things. Wtf
I guess I'm just really easy to talk to, y'all
@but i'm a bird You win, that's incredibly creepy. And weird.
It kind of reminds me of something really awkward my drivers ed teacher said to my friend, in class, in front of everybody:
"You're mixed, right? My daughter's mixed too. You're very attractive."
Not TOO creepy, but very, very awkward.
@but i'm a bird Also not a boss, but a powerful consultant, after I had accidentally dyed my hair red, while we were alone in an elevator together: "MMMmmmmm. I love redheads." As though I were a strawberry sundae and he was holding a spoon.
@prizzzle Oh groossssss. An elderly man looked me up and down the other day and said "something something wanna bone you something." I looked at him but didn't respond, and he said, almost to himself, "you look just like my daughter."
WTF WTF WTFUUUUUCCCCK
@SlapHappyPappy ew to the max
@Better to Eat You With
I have a redhead one too!
When I was eighteen I was working at a pizza place, and had dyed red hair. A few months in it had grown out and I wanted know if I was allowed to dye it, I forget, purple or something, but I phrased it "What do you think of me dying my hair purple?" he then LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN and says "Nah, you should dye it back to red and get, like, a nurse's uniform. And fishnets."
BONUS:
A supervisor at the same job (when I had a flower in my hair) "Girl, I love it when you do that. I know you do it for me. It makes me think of you in porn."
@but i'm a bird Walking by my 50-something year old male co-worker's office, I hear him say, "Hey, sweetie!" I stopped short, for once had a backbone, and said, "I'm sorry, what?"
He said, "I said hey, sweetie. That's what they call you, right, sweetie?" I just said "Not in the workplace", and walked away.
His friend, another co-worker (in his 30s guy) later came by to say he was appalled the guy said that, and wanted to make sure I was okay. That was actually really thoughtful of him…
@but i'm a bird Ugggh. My boss was obviously attracted to me, micromanaged me, belittled me, and then praised me occasionally. Typical abusive behavior. He actually told me that he didn't think that women made good workers or bosses, because emotions. Or something.
I fell in love with my coworker, and no one had a problem with it except my boss, and believe me, our coworkers would have let us know if there was an issue. It was a very Jim & Pam situation. Then I quit. And then he made sure my bf got laid off. Sorry for derailing with the rant. I wish I could pick out a single quote that was the worst. The good thing is, this Pam is marrying her Jim.
15: WHAT girls? Are Nebraskan girls super slutty or something? Or is it just tattooed girls? I'm a girl from Michigan with a tattoo, what does that make me? TELL ME, BOSS, TELL ME
@The Lady of Shalott Mitten-shaped state, represent! If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you!
Either I have worked for the same boss as #1, or there are (shudder) more of them out there…
@Bebe Oh yeah, I've had one of those.
@Bebe AAAH. This is my boss, too. Her anxiety is unhinged.
@Bebe I've had one of those too. It's particularly frustrating, because she gets/got upset when I'm not visibly showing anxiety because to her that means that I'm not taking whatever she's stressed about seriously.
<3 group therapy
@Bebe Preach, y'all.
@Bebe Oh, there are more. When they are feeling fancy they say "lacks sense of urgency".
@The Casual Reader I have gotten that in reviews! "Um, do you mean, 'does not run around like headless chicken'? Because that I'll accept."
This is just like my boyfriend! Especially with driving. If we miss a turn or get lost or something he is so bothered by my being calm about it.
@Bebe I actually had a client call my boss and complain that I was not sufficiently freaking out when she called in with a problem. I called her afterwards to talk to her about it and it went something like this:
Me: Did you get the email I sent you 10 minutes after you called with the problem, letting you know that it was resolved?
Client: Yes, but when I talked to you I wasn't confident that your sense of urgency was high enough.
Me: But I did resolve the issue for you in less than ten minutes, does this not display a sense of urgency?
Client: Yes, but I expected you to be more upset about the problem……..
It went on in this vein for another 10 minutes…..some people just can't understand that people react in different ways to problems!
@koko I would have spent that entire conversation face-palming myself.
@Bebe Add me to the list of people who think that you get through an emergency/problem better by staying calm rather than by freaking out…
@sevanetta I also had this boss. She would call the office with barely disguised panic in her voice, and it would turn out that she needed us to email her her timesheets or something. She was the main manager, and she once pulled aside a bunch of middle managers and told them, in Serious Voice, to be careful. Because, she said 'when you let the staff see that you are distressed, they get distressed too, and it's not good for anyone'.
Everyone else's reaction o_O
@Bebe I have to say, having a boss identical to Boss #1 was likely a HUGE contributing factor to my anxiety. She absolutely hated when I refused to join her crazy party.
@Craftastrophies Ahhahaa and I just remembered, when I quit there, someone was trying to convince me to stay and said 'oh, but we were going to get you to work more closely with (anxiety boss)'
Incentives. You're doing them wrong.
@sevanetta This situation is in the most recent episode (#2) of the current season of House!
WOW.
@Lily Rowan I think the only appropriate response to this is to shave one's head and take a year-long vow of silence.
@melis I was thinking more BURN IT DOWN.
@Lily Rowan You forgot the ™
Ahhhh how did I not submit to this?!? Examples:
"I just have to know as your editor, if you enjoy spanking"
"You look like a dominatrix. can you just shut that door for a second? I need a good slap."
[phone call] "I just wanted to know, what are you smoking? … oh, wait, nevermind." [click]
@alliepants You need to tell us whether those first two are the same person??
@Ophelia All three are!
OH. And. From another one: "What would you do if, right now, you just had a BIG DICK in your face?" demonstrating with a banana.
"If I married your mom, that means you'd have to call me daddy. You could get a tattoo."
I once had a boss who in casual conversation mentioned that he once interviewed a woman, but didn't hire her because she seemed like she wanted to start a family. But he hired me on two separate occasions… I must give off a spinster vibe? To be fair, 9.5 years after the first time he hired me, not even a boyfriend.
Also, at that same company one of the managers said he was going to stop hiring women because they keep getting pregnant (they haven't hired a woman since). And a random warehouse guy told me "a girl in this town best keep a dime between her knees." Why do I still work for this company?
@Xaxa Yikes! Do you have awesome benefits? That would blind me to a lot of things…
@lobsterhug No benefits, but well paid.
I almost forgot, at my last project my boss told me I should wear less clothing. I was wearing a company mandated flourescent safety shirt.
@Xaxa Do you work for the Firm?
@lobsterhug Not quite. Also years ago the same guy who told me I should wear less clothing went ON about how amazing I looked in coveralls. I do not. They do not make coveralls in my size. And at the time I think I had perscription safety glasses, which do not look good on anyone.
I wonder how I would have scored with, "Get your red pussy on the table and dance!"
@Esther Where did you work?!
@Esther I can't picture a context where that would even come up… Xmas party?
@Schroeder waitressing at a bar in a national park. wholesome joint.
@Esther Can I ask about the 'red' part? Are you Native American or were you menstruating at the time or something? I need to know how offended to be for you.
@Sorry For Partying Red state?
@Xaxa Ginger?
@mirror_father_mirror winner!
28 just sort of sings.
@oudemia For some reason I can only read it in the voice of Tobias Funke.
@oudemia I love pikku myy!
@oudemia Kismet. I did the same thing.
my favorite asinine boss comment came to my during my annual review: "you use words, big words, and – well – you end up coming off as too smart to your peers… they don't understand you and feel like you're being condescending. Can you use smaller words?"
@teenie
you end up coming off as too smart to your
peersboss@teenie This insecure lady juicebox totally said that to me in college.
@teenie My brother has complained to me before that I think I'm so great because I use big words and I should use smaller words.
Oh boo mine didn't get in. Still, it was nowhere as bad as the ones here, so there's that.
How did I miss this!? I once had a boss call me in (I was the receptionist) and tell me that it was "too disruptive" when I used the restroom, and couldn't I "only go before and after work, and during my lunch hour."
Also buh-whaaaa? How did the miscarriage one not win? I guess because it's not *amusingly* horrible, just soul-destroyingly horrible?
@iceberg Agreed. But soul-destroyingly horrible trumped amusingly horrible for me.
I am still trying to wrap my head around why someone needs to kneel to pee because of a penis piercing. This is one of those "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college" moments. Why? This is going to plague me all day now. Why can't he sit if there is some kind of issue with standing? Or does sitting make things difficult?
I had a boss tell me out of the blue one morning. "Why is Jennifer Garner married to Ben Affleck. She is on my five list. You know, -celebrities I can sleep with and my wife would be cool about it and now? I don't know if I respect her anymore. Katie Holmes is on that list too. You know you kind of look like her."
I recall looking at him and saying, "yeah um… this is weird and uncomfortable. I am going to go somewhere else now."
@gfrancie Oooh, I had a boss say, when Anna Nicole Smith died, that he would like do to THAT autopsy… Gross… Also this was the guy who on my first week was making racist jokes about Australian Aborginees (he was Australian.)
@Xaxa was your boss a medical examiner or just a really creepy person?
@Xaxa FTW
@Xaxa HAHAHA omg I'm sorry, that Anna Nicole comment is hilarious(ly awful). I laughed audibly.
@gfrancie He is a geologist.
@Xaxa okay. So really really creepy. What would he hope to find? Some totally awesome pebbles in her?
@gfrancie I think he just wanted to touch her boobs. He's a hell of a guy. I didn't work with him much, my friend who did had some stories, but I have forgot them all.
@Xaxa
Just once, he wanted to touch the breasts of a woman who wasn't screaming?
@Xaxa dream big!
@atipofthehat ohgodohgod
One summer, I had a lot of mosquito bites on my legs, and a bad habit of scratching them until they scabbed over. I wore a skirt to work one day, and my boss screwed up his face and said "You need to start wearing pantyhose to work – you look like you have a venereal disease."
@kbn22 Awful. One of those moments where you wish you could say, "And you need to start wearing a bag over your head, you look like you have a case of dickface."
@kbn22 I stopped shaving my legs winter before last. First day it starts to warm up, I'm wearing a skirt and sandals. We're sitting around at morning tea and my male boss does a massive double take, and stares at my legs. I'm looking at him, waiting…
Him: Are… those birkenstocks?
Me: Yes
Him: Oh.
Maybe I'm alone in this, but I found these significantly less soul-crushing than the mom/significant other categories.
@alice b. tchotchke Me too. Maybe because it's (usually) easier to leave your job than it is to leave family or SO's?
@alice b. tchotchke I'm of two minds. They're less horrible in that they're not invective hurled from people that are supposed to love you…And yet, they're kind of more horrible because they're the routine clueless 'benign' evil that you expect from bosses. Like, you can DTMFA but receptionists are always going to be told when they can pee.
@alice b. tchotchke No, I think they're less evil because they don't hit where it hurts in the way that moms and significant others often do. They are terrible, but not personal.
@thebestjasmine My "favorite" part is how much overlap there is between the three. Are you a woman? Great! At least one person in your life is going to find a way to call you fat and ugly!
When I was a dancer, discussing choreography w my "boss" after class, she stepped on my foot. "excuse me" I said and moved my foot out from under hers. "no" she said "I did that on purpose. That's how dogs establish dominance."
@but i'm a bird Was her last name "Schrute"?
@but i'm a bird Did you tell her you were a cat person, and they establish dominance through urine? Bet she would have stayed off your foot then!
@Kinloch Later that year she "raced" me in her truck on the interstate after a party. I took an exit she didn't expect and the next morning, in front of all the dancers, she accosted me with accusations of bailing early on the so-called race. I told her I went to my dads house to take him a birthday cake. She looked incredulous and yelled "I could have won! I have a v-8 you know!!" and ran out the room.
@but i'm a bird and she accused me of having gout. (at 24 yrs old and 117 pounds)
@Kinloch OH SNAP. That would have really cut her down a few notches.
@but i'm a bird "What If You Are a Dog in Human Form?"
@but i'm a bird JESUS CHRIST.
"You drank a lot last night, didn't you?" "No, I was in bed by 9." "No, I can smell the booze. It's emanating from your pores. You need to drink less, no wonder you're so irresponsible." Too bad I hadn't consumed any alcohol.
Ahhhh I forgot to submit mine! Dammit. Favorites from past employers:
Crochety female boss: "You are such a pretty girl, if only you would style your hair better."
AND:
Male supervisor: "So, I would guess you are a size small, but then if you look at…" (obvious signaling towards boobs) "…then you'd be a large? I mean, I don't know. My wife is a 36C. And your bra size is bigger than that, right?"
Woohoo, one of mine made it! (the miscarriage one) That was a real lolsob moment if there ever was one.
@J Keems@twitter I am seriously so sorry.
@J Keems@twitter Here too…so, so sorry.
@vodkasaurus Thank you, both of you. Like I said, a real lolsob moment. Although it took a good long while to be funny to me.
@J Keems@twitter That one is so horrifying. I gasped kind of loudly at my desk. In what world is that an acceptable or tactful thing to say?! I too am so sorry.
@J Keems@twitter Terribly sorry about your loss.
I'm not sure why miscarriages/pregnancies/women's bodies seem to bring out the dumbest comments, but my sister's co-worker K said something almost as awful to another co-worker (L). L had lost her first baby suddenly at 5 months, and when she told everyone that she was pregnant again, K leaned down and said to L's stomach, "Ohhh, are you going to stick around so we can all say hi? I hope so!" Luckily, L didn't hear, but my sister and a few others were like, "The fuuuuuck?!"
@J Keems@twitter Really sorry to hear that. That one took my breath away.
@MoxyCrimeFighter I have just sat here for literally a whole minute with my mouth open. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
I think sometimes people desperately want to say something supportive, but just don't know how. I got a few ridiculous ones after my dad committed suicide that I know they were trying so, so hard and it was just… awful.
@Craftastrophies Some people just freak out and start babbling.
"Just don't blow up again after your wedding." – my now ex-boss "complimenting" me on my pre-wedding weight loss.
A few moments from my office:
—
Boss: "You look really skinny."
Coworker: "Oh! Thanks!"
Boss: (frowns). Oh no nooooo nooo. Not in a good way.
—
"Who is that fashion designer who does those wrap dresses? Do you know? You're fashionable.. [pause] JUST KIDDINGGGG!!" [runs off to ask someone else]
—
[In a review, my coworker (with a masters degree from Pratt) said she really enjoyed being creative person]
Boss: "Oh… do you think you're creative? That's cute."
—
The monster of atrocities was when, in a client meeting, in front of everyone, while speaking to the room, this boss took off her glasses, reached over and cleaned her glasses on the hem of my co-worker's skirt.
@melissafaustine oh god, i lol'd at that last one. that image…
@melissafaustine Your boss was George W. Bush? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRijLt5VTF0
@riotnrrd oh dear. There's a good chance that's where she learned it from.
@melissafaustine omg, I snort-laughed at that last one!
<3
Urge to kill… rising
Why didn't I submit this gem:
At my last job at a small retail business, my boss was considering getting a group healthcare plan for the staff but it was unbelievably expensive. When I complained that the monthly premium was more than half of what he paid me, he says, "Well, can't you just ask your parents to help you out?"
I also had an employer fire me for having cancer, chastising me because it was "inconvenient" for her.
@Magpie Shinies How is this not illegal?!
@josiah I'm pretty sure it is!
@josiah I know its later, hope you get this. After I found the lump, but before diagnosis, she piled on my workload & gave our office assistant all this time off, making it impossible for me to perform my job (there were only we 2 full-time employees, the rest were contract). Then she made me take a week off and claimed later that I had taken the time off without approval. Yeah, total psycho.
OOH I HAVE ONE!
(while sitting on a pile of papers I'm using), "I just bought two condos and I'm breaking thru the walls to have one big apartment. You still have roommates, don't you? That must be…fun." (reaches into drawer where I keep snacks, helps herself) "Don't want you to get fat!"
@parallel-lines This dingbat also caused someone to have a miscarriage, and, not being the brightest bulb since I had access to her email, emailed everyone about how incompetant I was and how I could be replaced by an intern. When I quit I printed them all out–she never did get that intern, she was fired a few months later.
And a well-deserved win #28!
Years ago I worked for a real gem who used to drive around tipsy and accidentally sit on her cell phone in the car, which would then speed-dial me so I got voicemail messages of her drunkenly complaining to her ladyfriend-on-the-side (she was cheating on her long-term live-in partner, who would call constantly during the day asking me for her wife's whereabouts) in the death seat about how she had to do everything and her staff was incompetent.
I too missed submitting this: On coming into the office for the first time after losing all my hair over the weekend because of chemo (I was wearing a pretty headscarf), my female boss said, "that looks nice, but you really need to wear lipstick." Said in that kind of advice giving whisper that old biddies use. That was 5 years ago and on a weekly basis I still indulge in the only slightly satisfying fantasy of a bus squashing her flat.
After calling me all morning to update me on the status of his attempted extermination of an unidentified rodent in his apt, my VERY german ex-boss called again to scream "ACK MEIN GOTT, EVEN THE GAS VONT KILL IT!" *click*
He then later established that it was not a rat, but, instead, the (dead) guinea pig of the kid next door
@amuselouche Amazing!
@amuselouche I am DYING! This is hilarious is the sickest way possible.
@amuselouche That's horrible but still hilarious. I was laughing so hard at my desk I was wiping tears from my eyes.
@amuselouche Beautiful.
This was the exact perfect thing to read just before a meeting with my asst in which I apologize for snapping at him impatiently twice yesterday! I feel about 20% as bad now. Also, Prince Albert dude can and should sit! Maybe he finds sitting emasculating so he is doing some sort of half-stand thing to compensate? He is spraying EVERYWHERE, if that is the case.
Boss: "Why didn't you mail the book to him?"
Me: "I did mail it to him. I had to order the book first. Once it arrived via overnight shipping, I checked that it was the right edition, and sent it to him."
Boss: "I give up. If you weren't going to send him the book, you should have told me."
Oh hells yes to lucky number 28!
I am the supervisor of all of the clerical staff in my office, which started out to be 13 but has since shrank to 8 (thanks, layoffs!). I am also the Executive Assistant to my boss, who is The Big Boss of Everyone. Last year, he suggested I organize a Secretaries' Day lunch, which I both ordered food and brought food in for, and it was mandatory. Can you imagine?
My Secretaries' Day gift, you ask? I got to pay for half of it. My boss makes six figures.
I told everyone this year not to let my boss known when it's Secretaries' Day.
Man. This is making me grateful that the boss at my worst job thought I was another company's intern for the first few months.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'd let the boss from 32 watch my kids for the weekend!! "Looks like you need more blood".
@Phil 32 sounds like ron swanson
I can ONLY hear #28 in Coach McGuirk's voice from Home Movies. Or possibly Archer, since they're both voiced by H. Jon Benjamin, and I can imagine either character saying this.
@figwiggin What about the guy who works at the same convience store Chris Griffin works at? The one who knows a lot about movies and doesn't think Chris needs to see Krull?
@figwiggin OH, MY STARS, you are so right.
@figwiggin This made me go back and reread them all in Archer's voice. Amazing.
@kayjay YES.
@selkie86 I know, Archer would say any of these things (and I think has in some cases)!
The blood comment was actually kind of funny!
This wasn't a boss, but when I worked in home shopping one of our guests wandered into my office and told me "You're skinny … but I haven't seen you stand up yet."
My old boss at the college newspaper had this one: "Even if you were the only person who applied for this position, I'd recruit somebody else." To my face.
My fave of recent is a supervisor who told me in earlier this year after 4 years with this company (much like one of the bracketers) "I've thought for a long time that you'd benefit from working for someone else."
He left over the summer to supposedly have more family time and less workload but then started up a directly competing firm instead. I interviewed with him because he was potentially partnering with a lady who I'd LOVE to work with, but then in a follow up conversation to answer some salary questions I had, he said "Well, one thing we hadn't discussed is whether this position would be full time. I thought one time you said you were interested in getting back into waiting tables."
@sox That was me! Don't you love when bosses do shit like that? Especially after they basically demote you. And then when you do find a new job they act all put upon because now they have to train someone new to put up with their awfulness.
JESUS I forgot to submit.
My boss (lady) interviews a cute boy. She walks into the bullpen, where it is me at my cube, between my boss and my ex-workwife. Ex-WW says to boss "He was cute, is he going to get the job?"
Boss: "Nah, he wasn't qualified. Plus, the last thing we need around here is some eye-candy distracting us!"
Me: "I AM RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU ARE SAYING THINGS"
@leon.saintjean What is a workwife?
@Schroeder -workmarried is when you work really closely w/ someone of the opposite gender and develop a tight relationship, coupled with the shorthands, non-sexual intmacies, and bickering often associated with a married couple, to the extent that some coworkers think you may be secretly hooking up. But you are definitely not.
@Schroeder You know. A wife at work. That person who is your workday spouse, who is your automatic coffee buddy/bitching friend, etc. I miss all of my old work wives from old jobs, sniff. (Don't miss the jobs, though).
@thebestjasmine @leon.saintjean Not knowing the lingo makes me feel old.
Also, I feel there is a story in the "ex" part of this.
@leon.saintjean Yes, please explain why she's your ex ww.
@Xora In the danger of sounding like a weird Rain Man-esque Memory Person, I seem to remember LSJ mentioning a while back in the comments about being sad that his work-wife was leaving her job.
@rayray So you're saying he meant "my work wife at the time"? Funny… Now that I read your words, I remember him saying that, too, kinda.
@leon.saintjean I can definitely attest to my male husband having had male workwives.
"Wow, cameltoe." After making me try on a costume tailored for someone five inches shorter than me.
1. Boss: want to go out to dinner sometime?
Me: I don't think that's a good idea.
Boss: why?
Me: because you're my boss, and I'm your employee?
Boss: I could fire you, then I wouldnt be your boss.
Me: you're not the type, Johnny. What a kidder ! (quick exit)
2. Me: I think I want to move back to Paris. I never see my ny friends, they're all working so much. I see my friends visiting from Paris more often.
Boss: carolita, this is new york! Nobody has friends here. You have your job and the people you work with. That's all!
@carolita this is more amusing than horrible, but my mother (way back in the day) once got hired by a dude who constantly harassed her for a date until she finally gave in, against her better judgment. He showed up for the date wearing a GIANT BLACK CAPE. Literally, a Dracula-style cape. During the course of dinner it became clear that he was a narcissistic and overall crazypants dude.
@carolita That second one is horrible, but only because it's true, not because it's spiteful or insane. Disqualified. With rue.
@carolita PLEASE let this be B.
@carolita A CAPE??? Woah! that's for "amusingly horrible things bosses have done."
@hedgehog Yeah, I know! It's horrible because it's true. I still think it counts! Also, I forgot to add, "(quick exit back to Paris for two years).
@Lady Slatternly B? What did I miss? Or is the MSG from my take-out dulling my brain? Do spell it out for me. Wait, you did. But in words.
@carolita Oh, I thought your story referred to a current boss. Sorry to be cryptic– internet!
At an after work happy hour, my boss (while sitting at a table with two female employees and a client), accused a woman at the next table of looking at him "funny". He then stood up, screamed at her "what are you looking at?!" and threw his beer bottle into a glass wall- which thankfully did not break. Then he sat back down and suggested we go to a strip club. Which for some reason we did. I quit the next day.
Auditor, on a "friendly, informal" visit: "What is this? What did you write here?"
Me: "That's an 8. I'm sorry, did I not write it clearly?" (politely, as I do have terrible handwriting)
Auditor: "That's not how you write an 8. You're writing your 8s wrong. You need to fix that before I come back."
I can't believe the miscarriage didn't win, or even make it out of the bracket. AND shouldn't the vast majority of these bosses be taken to court for sexual harassment/illegal hiring practices?
That said, there's a reason all the research techs in my field are female, and all the profs/managers/non-profit CEOs are…guess!…white males.
@squid v. whale Yes, I'm worried about my future job prospects.
@squid v. whale Actually, depressingly, illegal hiring (and firing) practices only cover refusing to hire people in protected groups (sex, race, age, disability, national origin, religion, and sexual orientation in some states). In most states, employees are "at-will" employees by default (in practice this generally means unless you are in a union) and you can be fired for any reason other than your status in a protected group.
@antarcticastartshere Well, that's not exactly true — even in at will states, it's illegal to fire someone for certain reasons (being pregnant is one of those reasons). However, that means that people just find excuses other than pregnancy/retaliation/status as a female to fire someone, and they usually get away with it.
I'm sad none of mine made it!
http://twitter.com/#!/whatmybossyells
One of the better ones was when he called me "the hot slut" in front of our new intern.
And also consistently asking if I want him to sit on his lap so I can "bounce him like a baby"
And he once chased me with a vibrator yelling "Shelly, it has 9 settings!"
Important side note: My name is not Shelly. I've worked here for 3 years.
@BuffyBot Haho those are wonderful/terrible. It also makes me wonder if this is what a college pal of mine will be like when he's older. He makes terrible innuendos all of the time– in a well-intentioned, but ultimately confusing way.
Also BuffyBot! I just saw that episode last night. Soooo good.
@BuffyBot Michael Scott is a real person. Who knew.
@lobsterhug Haha that's what we also say. In more ways than one. The episode where all Pam needs him to do is sign something before 5 o'clock and he just avoids her? That's every day at this office.
Number 17! OMG ALMOST VERBATIM and same situation! He also yelled at me for talking to my Grandmother on the phone (in the lobby, softly sobbing) ON HER DEATH BED. This was also right after a beloved great-aunt and uncle both died. He then fired me the Friday before Christmas. And he was one of those milquetoasty soft spoken types too.
My current boss in a yearly review, "You need to stop asking Pat"(my boyfriend who has the same position as my boss at a different branch)" for advice on what to do when problems arise here. You should be calling me or my assistant instead."
The thing is, I'd never give him any reason to think that I was asking Pat for advise… because I wasn't. When I told him this he responded, "Well I have to say something, because if I don't then it will keep happening!"
WTF… Am I not capable of making decisions and problem solving on my own without my boyfriend's help???
@valeriefirefly Clearly, he was doing your math homework, too.
@momentisaflower That sounds so scary! I'm sorry you had to go through that, and that it continues to be a problem.
I know what you mean about anger and bitterness. Sometimes I'm so angry and confused about work, that it ruins my evenings at home. If I'm still steaming mad, I have a hard time listening and engaging in conversations with my sweetheart or friends. The only helpful distractions I've found are solo activities that require me to focus (playing an instrument works best).
I had some doozies when I was in luxury fashion and bridal, but in my current job, the biggest gem from my boss, packed neatly into two little words: don't think.
I see how it is here.
@Carrot Cake Ack! A related gem from my old boss: "stop caring so much." Inspiring.
@Carrot Cake Mildly related. Just two days ago my boss informed my coworker and I that she didn't have time to listen to us or our concerns, and that our emails are long and confusing. When I informed her that the last email I sent was merely one sentence, she proclaimed, "THAT'S NOT THE POINT." I guess what I'm getting at here is…the higher up you are, the less you are required to think.
@whatsherface I got that a lot when I was in the theatre. It's…confusing. And sad.
@cocokins I agree, lots of higher-ups don't think. We have so much anecdotal evidence to prove it! But I'm the receptionist…so maybe only the people in the middle are allowed to think and/or care?
What's with people and their inability to read(and write) emails properly?
@momentisaflower I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Making out with a coworker isn't the best call, but who hasn't done it (supply room, oooh yeah).
But that's beside the point, I can understand having a tough time working through that. not to let it get you down– you sound like a wonderful individual (AmeriCorps, standing up for your friend, Hairpinning it up, etc). Are you at a better job? How is your friend? And because this is something that I've recently found and it has helped me overcome some of my anxiety/confidence issues I'll pass it along to you. http://self-compassion.org/
I worked for an espresso shop run by a hilariously dysfunctional brother-and-sister team, and the sister had a habit of taking a couple hundred euros out of the cash register and going shopping at Hermés or Louis Vuitton on her lunch hour. We girls all knew that she did it, but her brother was either completely clueless or pretending that it didn't happen.
This led to regular "company meetings" in which he would call all of us together, make us each the coffee drink of our choice, then sigh, shake his head and say that money was missing from the till, AGAIN. And he really wanted the culprit to just confess – "You don't have to give it back, I know you must REALLY NEED the money if you're stealing it from me." He would get soooo sad and emotional, but we all knew there was no way we could accuse the sister!
All the while, she'd stand somewhere in the background with her arms folded, a designer bag dangling from her arm. Was he indirectly but intentionally talking right to her the whole time??? Who knows.
Anyway they went bankrupt and the space was bought out by a shitty Starbucks-knockoff chain store.
I haven't had too many terrible managers/bosses. That said, I've been subjected to all manner of rants and raves by virtue of having worked in customer service/as a receptionist on multiple occasions.
One restaurant sticks in my memory– one manager talked about her sexual history with her husband/masturbation and a different manager in that same place ranted about abortion. He kept telling me (and the one other person trying to cash out and go home) that it's wrong, even though on multiple occasions he'd been with someone who wound up needing one. TMI and also… What!? How hard is using a condom? You don't agree with something morally, but you'll put a lady's autonomy/health/future at risk for your own selfish desires– more than once. And then have the nerve to look down on these people for making a personal choice. When I quit this same manager (trying to convince me to stay) told me that I'd miss the money (hadn't I already made peace with that?). Real convincing. (I think he was mad that he was still stuck there).
I have so many from this one awful boss but every time I try to start typing them my comment becomes 8,000 words long and I realize I am sweating and my heart is pounding.
Boss PTSD
@dracula's ghost Hugs!
@dracula's ghost: Ditto. I had a terrible, soul-crushing boss 11 years ago and it took me so long to get over my Boss PTSD with her that I can't even go there anymore.
@dracula's ghost @Bittersweet I…I can't even. It was only a year ago that I left after 6 years of mindfuckery. I don't know how I dealt with it for so long but I feel like it'll take me at least the same length of time to get over it…
@whatsherface: It takes time. My next boss after that was terrific, one of my favorite bosses ever (and still a good friend). But even then it took a lot of crying, laughing and drinking to get over BFH.
I was sitting next to my boss in a crowded conference room watching our HR Director open a gift bag presented by several of the staff during her going-away party. One of the things in the gift bag was a bag of rice. She explained this was an inside joke because when she first started, she used to crave rice "all the time" but then read on the internet that this was a sign of an iron deficiency. Right after she said, "Now I take iron pills and I don't get weird cravings!" my boss elbowed me and whispered, "Another example of black people not going to the doctor!" She then she went back to eating her cake apparently oblivious to the fact that her "whisper" was more like a stage whisper and EVERYBODY on our side of the room clearly heard her. I wanted to sink into the floor.
@Laura Witkowski@twitter WHAT.
@thebestjasmine seriously WHAT!!!!!?
@Laura Witkowski@twitter WHAT ALSO.
Me, hysterically sobbing: I need to go. I just got a call that my best friend died. Boss lady: Why go? He's already dead.
@vodkasaurus No!
@vodkasaurus no! this is so horrible.
@vodkasaurus WHAT. SET HER ON FIRE.
@vodkasaurus
1. I am so sorry.
2. My boss when I was a babysitter in college, after I missed 3 3-hour days because someone very close to me committed suicide: [mean, snotty voice] "Well, I guess I just need to realize that SOME people's problems are a little worse than my own." (she didn't realize)
@vodkasaurus Boss got broken up with by her fiance. She knew that my mother had died a couple of years before, but not the exact circumstances (suicide). After her fiance ditched her: "I really think this must be so much worse for me than your mother's death was for you…"
@vodkasaurus Oh God, I am so sorry.
My brother was at work when our grandfather died, so I called to tell him. He told his boss he needed to go home. Boss' response? "Why? You won't be any use at home and anyway, men don't cry! Grow a pair and finish your shift."
I had one heck of a boss while I was doing an internship in France last year.
Fearsomely Draconian Boss, Gallic Keeper of the Gates of Hell: "A customer complained that you were frosty."
Me: "Oh, really? Which one?"
FDB,GKOTGOH: "I… don't remember! Anyway! You are too cold-hearted!"
Another time she yelled at me for holding a piece of paper the wrong way. And another time she made me clean the entire office (totally not my job) then told me I wasn't an accomplished cleaner because I hadn't polished the table the way she liked. (For the record, I am an AMAZING cleaner. No lie. <3 u bleachie)
Being an intern is so character-building.
After I asked for a raise:
"Oh I'll give you a RAISE alright" (points at crotch)
Shortly thereafter I quit and the law firm went under because he was stealing his clients money.
@Katy that CAN NOT be true. I do not wish to live in a world where this actually happened to you. Or, please tell me you are 100 years old and this was when you were fresh out of secretary school in the 40's???? PLEASE?!
@Katy I get the feeling these guys store these things in their heads and are just WAITING for an opportunity so use them.
@dracula's ghost It totally did!
It was at an office party, I asked in jest so I guess he thought that was an ok response. This may be the worst person I have ever met in real life, based on all kinds of other things he did. It was a really swanky downtown Chicago firm and many of the other girls got worse than this (one was actually touched, the female lawyers tried to help her file a complaint but it went nowhere). I was too young and naive to know that what he said was super wrong. I quit not long after that and never looked back. It was only 5 years ago sadly and I am 28!
@Xaxa 1000% yes.
@selkie86 @Schroeder Thanks for the support guys
Sometimes it just feels good to get stuff out of my head onto (e)paper. My friend is doing fine now although it certainly shook her up too. She actually had to be interviewed by my boss too (the main questions she was asked: why were you in the men's bathroom to begin with?). I was already seeing a counselor and so she's helped me a ton. All in all, I'm ok now, but sometimes I just get hit with these blinding waves of anger. I would loooove to send my boss an email outlining exactly how badly they handled that situation, but I have to count on him for references. I am in a new job and it's a much healthier situation.
xoxo.
my my my, what timing. as i was reading this thread, a co-worker stalked by looking for the bathroom key (which is kept near my desk). when he discovered that someone had it, he muttered, "of course, this is fucking bullshit!" and PUNCHED THE WALL next to my desk.
i have stories upon stories about my boss/co-workers/workplace horrors. these people, i just — i have no words. they are awful.
edited to say: i actually don't have any stories to compare to the ones here, as mine aren't of the horrid-things-done-to-me variety, and more just hilarious anecdotes about what abysmal, idiotic people they are.
"It doesn't really matter what you do or say–you lose."
"You need to stop making things up in your head. Maybe you just need to realize that you're not cut out for this job."
"I guess you could TRY to get a transfer…but the department manage really isn't your biggest fan, so you'd probably just get fired."
"My husband knows I don't love him."
ALL of these were said by the same nasty woman. Thank God I got out of that place! She was awful. She terrorized me and my coworkers, along with terrorizing other managers and people who didn't even work for her.
@BScottie I think it's also worth mentioning that she has the same hairline/forehead problem as Theresa from Real Housewives of NJ, and she NEVER. EVER. BLINKED.
She also used my personal days for when I went to my Grandma's funeral. When I confronted her about logging the wrong type of day, it turned out that she didn't know what "bereavement days" meant…cuz she's an idiot.
I am gobsmacked. I can't imagine any of this happening at work. I don't know how the hell you fine folks do it. Although I can't stop laughing at #28, and for some reason, #31 has me howling, too.
I have been mostly lucky when it comes to bosses, and I have also grown a thick skin and big balls when it comes to being offended. Most of it doesn't bother me, but when it does, I am remarkably direct about expressing it.
I do remember, at my first summer associate position, being asked by a partner (who, incidentally, I considered "older guy hot") if I was "the type of girl who is cool until you sleep with her," the type of girl who "kisses and tells," or the kind of girl "who howls like a hyena in the bedroom but keeps her mouth shut in the boardroom."
It was two weeks before job offers were going out. I made a choice. I looked him dead in the eye and said "I am one of those rare, fourth type of girls. The kind who is never, ever going to fuck you, and always keep you wondering."
Got the offer, turned it down.
@karion Holy shit you are my heroine.
It's certainly not as bad as most of the things I've read so far, but just last night at my freelance job, my boss was asking me about my recent engagement and said, "Oh my gawd! Did you cry?" When I said I didn't, she grimaced and said, "No, of course you didn't. You're not an emotional person." What does that even mean.
(I'd rather have weirdo-crazy than racist, though, which is also known to happen with her.)
On a serious note, if anyone is having trouble at work or wants to know what their rights as an employee are, you should call 9to5's helpline: 1-800-522-0925. They're a pretty bad-ass organization that fights for working women's rights and policies like paid sick leave (so you don't get fired if your kid gets sick). They can answer any questions about sexual harassment, pregnancy discrimination, not receiving a last paycheck, etc.
@Miss Zarves that is legit. Also we should all probably watch the movie "9-5" as well, in which Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin, and Jane Fonda take Dabney Coleman hostage and tie him up and then turn their workplace into a bellbottom-filled, shag-carpet-covered Mecca of round-the-clock childcare and job-sharing. There is also a scene in which Lily Tomlin sings to a cartoon bird
@dracula's ghost I adore that movie, and will rock your socks off singing that song in karaoke.
@Miss Zarves You're awesome!
@Miss Zarves DABNEY COLEMAN'S MUSTACHE IS OUT OF CONTROL
Boss, looking at a book on my desk: "Oh, hey! Did you buy that on your lunch hour?"
Me: "I didn't buy it, it's from the library."
Boss: "The library? They have books for free?"
I had to excuse myself to laugh/cry in the bathroom. HOW DID HE PASS THE BAR?!
@pityslice NO!!!!!!!
@pityslice I'm guessing rich family. This also explains why he's never been to a library.
Boss: Maria, do you want to go on a dirty weekend to Paris with me?
Me: No.
Boss: I already asked Sharon, but she wouldn't go.
Me: Mmmhmm.
Boss: I'll make it a clean weekend. I'll bring some Kleenex.
(O my but that was a long time ago. Things never seem to change all that much, do they.)
"You know, the economy, we're going to have to lay you off…but you should talk to HR, we're hiring 100 new people."
at a privately-owned, highly profitable company.
@dokuchan "we're hiring 100 new people and we're going to pay them a third of what we pay you. How would you like to earn a third of what you make now for the same amount of work?"
Buncha assholes.
@BScottie I've got endless ones from that guy, it was a textbook case of this scenario: http://issendai.livejournal.com/572510.html
A co-worker described him as "a kitten in a top hat who has been given the power of speech".
@dokuchan Hahahahaha!!! Your coworker's awesome. Although, I bet a kitten in a top hat would be far cuter/more entertaining than that dude.
@dokuchan I registered just to thank you for that link… it perfectly describes the clusterfuck at my office.
Years ago I worked as a marketing designer. The job was soul-crushing.
My (female) boss was about my age, and made it very clear that she didn't like me or anything I did. My work was constantly sent back for re-working. A higher up complemented a design of mine on a Friday, and on Monday morning she stormed in and railed against me for taking credit for something she'd art directed, (which she hadn't done). She even picked on me personally, insulting my fashion sense and once even going so far as to tell me that I was "too sarcastic" – "I'm ok with it, but you should watch your mouth. Other people might not feel the same way." This paragon used to steal layout ideas from other sources on a regular basis. One day I was sitting at my desk with nothing to do (unusual), and pulled up a design I was working on in my spare time for a friend. Boss walked up behind me, and said, "Wow! That's nice. Why can't you design like that for me?"
She later left to have children. I'm sure she's off crushing their spirits now.
Boss, regarding my fondness for tote bags rather than $2000 leather purses: "Just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean you need to dress like one!" (it should be noted i have long hair, wear a lot of makeup, and dress extremely girly, and that aformentioned boss is a gay male)
Conversation which transpired as I emerged from the kitchen with freshly-made Nespresso-machine latte in my hand:
Coworker: OMG! where did you get that?!
Me: um, the espresso machine?
Coworker: wait so you like MADE that? I didn't know we could do that here! Does it do it for you?
Me: I mean you make the espresso, then you steam the milk, it doesn't like spit them out like this.
Coworker: How did you learn how to do that?!
Me: I worked in coffee shops from like age 16 to 22?
Coworker: Oh wow! That's so cute. I've never had to work service or retail. That's adorable.
The day before I was supposed to go on honeymoon, my boss left the office early. His parting words: "Have a wonderful time!"
Two hours later, as I started getting my things together to leave, his assistant turned to me and said, "By the way, Doug wanted me to tell you that we're letting you go."
Man, does it feel good to get that out.
During a one-on-one, my new manager told me that I did very good work, but that it was more important for people to like me. He used himself as an example, saying that he made friends wherever he went, and that was why, even though he'd been LAID OFF 8 TIMES IN THE PAST 2 YEARS, he was always able to stay employed. Because he made friends with people. People like him.
I said, "Well, I've never been laid off, so I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty sure there are people here who like me."
I'm not so sure that it was horrible, but upon seeing me in the lunch room one day, my boss looked at my food and said "If you gain 5 lbs every year, just imagine what you'll look like when you're my age!".
It's been 4 years and I have gained 20 lbs, so I don't know…
There was an very nice accounting woman at my current job and I used to call her 'Trixie' just because it's a fun thing to randomly call someone. She was not actually 'Trixie' like.
Anyway, she turned it around and started calling me that because that was even funnier. I fought it for a while but eventually I lost.
Years later new people would be dumbfounded as she yelled over the cubes "Hey, Trix, get over here we need your help." and this guy (me) would come over "what?".
@zidaane Okay… Somewhere, on another Web site, under a post about coworkers, there's a woman complaining about a dude who called her Trixie for no reason.
@zidaane That's awesome. We had a "Trixie" at work, but we called her that because she wore a red-and-white leather letter jacket and really short skirts to work all the time.
@Ophelia We would have conversations like this-
"You can't call me 'Trixie' because you're Trixie. I came up with it."
"Trix, how can I be 'Trixie' if you're Trixie?"
I had to give in to keep my sanity.
From 15-22 I worked at a pool. When I was 17, my 28 year old boss asked me this:
"Are you a moaner or a screamer? Or do you know yet?" [Pervy eyebrow raise]
He later quit before he could get fired for sexual harassment for having sexual relationships with two of the (young, but of legal) female employees. Both of them thought he was their exclusive boyfriend.
[3 weeks into the job] "I almost didn't hire you because I thought you were too arrogant. But, you'll be pleased to know, so far, you haven't been too arrogant."
Thanks?
@Melusina I like the "you'll be pleased to know," as if you'd been worried about that. (P.S. I love your avatar.)
@Melusina I got a similar speech, except replace arrogant with useless.
@Melusina I'm jealous of your screen name! Why didn't I think of it? I love the story, love the name. (green with envy!)
Very similar to #4, only worse. [When I told her I was pregnant] "Why would you do that to yourself? I hope you don't think you're getting a raise."
"I hate unicorns! I hate unicorns, I hate rainbows, I hate horses!" What a miserable person she is.
Oh, hey. I made the semi-finals (#6).
It was a toss-up between that and this one: [Boss is 60ish, describing the plot of 'An Education' to me(emphases his)] "It's about a pretty young woman, MUCH like you, who falls in love with an older, EXPERIENCED man. He teaches her about SEX. She REALLY reminded me of you. The whole time I was watching it with my wife I thought how similar to you she is."
UHHHHHHNNNNNNN
@What'sUpMakeup "Yeah except Peter Saarsgard is hot." BURNT.
@Megan Patterson@facebook OH SNAP
@momentisaflower I hope your friend said "Having to use the men's bathroom is not code for 'I want to be sexually assaulted right now'."
I'm grateful to say that I don't have (or can't remember, at least) anything horrible enough to be on par with the miscarriage one, or many of the other stories here. But there is something about my current bosses that has me vacillating between incredulity and rage. They often tell me I am too nitpicky, too concerned with minor details (like capitalization and punctuation), and too worried about "how things sound." This problem probably seems (and, in the grand scheme of the world, is) very silly, except that…
I am a copy editor.
@Hellcat That is so funny.
Incidentally, I'm working with a copyeditor *right now* who is too overbearing, intrusive, humorless, and literal. (FIrst time I've ever had this issue.) But I was just telling my editor, regarding this chick, "I love that she's nitpicky, of course." Because who doesn't want a copyeditor to be *nitpicky*?
@Xora I'm sure the fact that my employer falls under "retail business that happens to work with text and copy" as opposed to being in the actual business of "real" publishing has something to do with the attitude. Still, why not have something as clear and correct as it can possibly be, especially if you're paying someone to do that? (I have other theories as to why they resist corrections, but those have to do with the egos of the Higher-Ups.) It's not even as if I rabidly delete common slang or colloquialisms, or care about sentences ending with prepositions; I just strive to avoid having the whole customer base read stuff like "$25 BUCKS!" Yes, that is a real thing I have been snippily told to leave "as is." (Seems "they" got hold of the term "house style" and ran with it.)
I suspect your troublesome editor might just be taking things a bit too seriously (it happens, I KNOW) or is making sure that no one thinks any "mistakes" are things she accidentally missed (because there's nothing that insecure non-copy editors love more than finding an error that the so-called pro left behind). But, yeah — there is a valid place for nitpickiness in many jobs!
@Hellcat TWENTY FIVE DOLLAR BUCKS?! Bargain.
(I am also a copyeditor. This made me headdesk.)
@Craftastrophies Thank you. Sometimes all a fellow editor wants is confirmation that she is not crazy. My bosses also have a habit of using 36 ellipses in a row, indicating a… really long and poignant pause? This would not be as bad if they would at least do it consistently (HOUSE STYLE, don't you know?). But then, often in the very same line of text, they will have another "set" consisting of two dots. They're also fans of the exclamation point in the middle of a sentence to indicate that that particular word (in the middle of the sentence!) is Very Important. Why recast when you can look foolish instead?
@Hellcat Oh LORD. My condolences. My last job there were a lot of people who really really wanted to use purple comic sans. 'Unfortunately' our house style guide explicitly forbade comic sans. I couldn't do much about the "impact" quotes, though.
@Craftastrophies Seems I shoulda kept my big fat yap shut; the karma got me. Came in today with my corrections corrected… incorrectly. We are to delete the hyphen from a product's name, even though it is clear on that product's manufacturer's website that there is indeed a hyphen. Also instructed to put a random capital letter in the MIDDLE of someone's last name. This capital letter business is bunk, of course, but no one is listening.
And, OH, the impact quotes. I feel you on that.
Boss: I'm firing you because I'm uncomfortable with your relationship to manager at your last job. There's no way you could have gotten that job without sleeping with him because you're not talented enough to land a position like that on your own.
I don't need to tell you that he completely made this up, there was no sleeping with anybody anywhere happening. What a fucking a-hole. If I wasn't 22 and didn't know better I would have pressed charges.
I work in an Italian restaurant and the owner (who is Italian), once opened a lecture about my job performance with this gem: "Listen, I don't want to be the boss all the time, I'm a nice guy and everybody likes me, you know that. BUT- if you stick a finger in my ass, I go crazy."
I was running a few minutes late for a shift at my last job, and my boss asked my coworker where I was. When she said she didn't know, he countered with, "Well we know she's not out getting breast enhancement."
This one's not horrible, just amusing. During a discussion about the pads and tampons stocked in the ladies room our (female) boss loudly whispers that she often uses two super absorbency tampons at the same time. Then nods at us with wide eyes. Co-worker and I just gape.
@no way Oh dear. OH DEAR!
@momentisaflower As someone who has been through the victim-blaming thing, along with the all-consuming anger/bitterness which keeps you up at night seething that tends to come with it, I think you've already done a lot of getting over it. In my opinion, the best thing you can do IS be angry (even though it's exhausting). Anger is probably one of the things that motivated you to stand up to this evil juicebox and your un-supportive coworkers, because that takes a lot of courage and sometimes anger is the best courage-creator. Eventually though, for me at least, I just sort of ran out of steam? It's exhausting being angry and acting on that justified rage. So like, wear down the bitter by feeling it until you literally can't anymore. And then when it goes away there is no lingering "could I have done more to fight the assholes?" doubts.
Working in a cancer research lab, all said in a thick Italian accent: "[My name], when you make mistakes like this, you will cost the lab one million dollars. We can't have that. You need to read more carefully."
The mistake? The (unnecessary) comma he "had to add" on page 12 of 18 of a cancer biology grant proposal.
I had ulcers.
My 2nd job ever, between high school and college, was only a few weeks doing data entry. The company was run out of the second floor of the owner's home. It had orange shag carpeting with tracks worn in it from being walked on. The computer I used ran Windows 98 (in 2008).
The last day, my boss gave me an evaluation. He said that I was very good at my job, but he thought I just wasn't very friendly. He then expressed concern that I would be alienated and lonely at college, and gave me a gift-wrapped self-help book. I think it was by Deepak Chopra. He also said that I would be prettier if I smiled more.
@Laph A former coworker, who had started when I already worked there, took it upon herself on her last day to tell everyone exactly what she thought of them. At parting, I got, "You're just not very welcoming. I think you're probably a nice girl, but you never showed it."
On my first day working retail with a new manager, aged 18, fail to close the door correctly.
Me: I'm really not good at shutting this door properly, ha ha ha!
Manager: It seems like you're really not good at a lot of things.
HOW did I miss submitting for this? I read the hairpin way too closely to miss an article, but I have missed everyone one of these series. sadface!
"No pun intended, everyone, but I don't agree with these points at all."
(I think he meant No offense, but he said it at least three times.)
@klibberfish This is funny! Did you sit there trying to figure out the pun that wasn't? I probably would have.
Ooh ooh and a different boss: "There are 75 cases. If we hire one more case manager, we'll have 5. So then each of you will only have 8 cases."
Not my boss, but a middle manager while I was working admin. He was showing an intern around, and introduced her to everyone at the front desk. Then, as they walked away, he said in what he thought was a quiet voice 'but you don't have to remember their names. They're just admin!'
Yeah. He didn't get a lot of photocopying done on time.
Meh. I think #19 should have won.
My favorite quote from an (ex) boss: "Sorry, what were you saying? [makes dizzy gesture] I tend to think scatalogically."
…Aaaaaand this is why unemployment is better.
I think 23 was pretty damn bad.
I'm pretty sure 30's boss and my boss would be friends. My department was called into the office for a meeting about appropriate "corporate attire." She was a sixty year old woman wearing a bustier, capris, and blazer, all made out of denim, and showing excessive cleavage, plus platform flip flops. I was wearing slacks, a sweater, and flats.
Of course, now that I think about it, I told the girls I supervised that the reason I got promoted is because I flirted with the customers so they gave me great feedback and it wouldn't hurt them to do the same.
Ah, fond memories. I remember one of the last conversations I had with my boss.
(After he informed me, in front of the whole company, that he was making his fuckbuddy from another department my boss)
Me: But…she's not qualified. She has no idea what my department even does.
Him: Oh, don't worry. You'll just train her.
Me: But…I still need to do my job. I'm the only one left to run the system and interface with the clients. I've been working twenty hours a week overtime for the last six months.
Him: That's why this is so great! She can help you!
Me: While I…train her to be my boss?
Him: Exactly!
Yeah. Three months later they "laid me off" and replaced me with a recent college grad for $30k a year. Then another recent college grad. And another. And another. Last I heard, there's now seven people in the department I used to run single-handedly, and they've lost half their clients because nobody knows how to work the older parts of the system.
My old boss threw spoons at me. That's not a euphemism. I worked in a cafe, and he always lost his shit badly if it got busy and orders started banking up, and he would go on an angry rampage and actually THROW SPOONS AT ME. I don't work there anymore.
@SallyForth OMG I had that EXACT SAME BOSS! He also once threw a plate right in front of my plate so that it shattered and scared the pants off me.
About five years ago, I had a boss who was drunk almost every morning by 11. He would scream and swear and throw things at people, myself included, when he wasn't being kind of a handsy perv. While I worked there, he called me, exclusively, Cha Cha or Tiger and thought it was endearing.
This job was at a talk radio station, and he decided at one point that he didn't want to deal with paying people to do shows (he also had a habit of firing people moments before they were due on air, and then asking telling me to figure something out), so he decided to have a daily show of his own. Ahem, after 11. Here are a few of his *ON-AIR* gems:
"I never liked that Connie Chung. The network just got her as a token Asian, because they couldn't find any blacks. She gives them that third world angle. I don't like her attitude. You could tell, whenever the cameras were off, she was a bitch."
"Hillary Clinton was the only reason the President ever got in any trouble. And those New Yorkers who voted for her! But you can't count on them – they've got all those Leftist Liberals there."
show host: "I was in Miami, and all the signs are in English *and* Spanish!"
boss: "It's ridiculous, the way we cater to these people. I say, put a 30-day hold on all passports for Americans who are going to Mexico. See how they like it in Cancun and Cozumel, without any American tourism, how much they rely on us. *That* would solve the problem."
"If I was in charge, I'll tell you what I'd do with this homeless problem. I'd arrest them all, throw them in the back of a police car, drive them over the bridge, and dump them in St. Petersburg. That would solve it!"
@ActuallyKT Does your ex-boss's name rhyme with Lush Bimbaugh? You can tell me.
@BoozinSusan That's what I'm going to call him from now on.
@BoozinSusan I am also calling him that from now on. But no, he was just a drunken groupie.
"You've had a nose job, haven't you? I was at a dog show this weekend, and all the older Jewish ladies you can tell they've had their noses done because they have these big, broad faces, and teeny little noses. But your nose actually fits your face."
I haven't. My boss and I are both Jewish.
I'm a graphic designer. Lots of graphic designers are an insult to graphic designers. :/
@jen325 My last job was an insult to graphic designers. They couldn't get any actually trained people to do it, because it was design by committee. So I was basically an editor who laid stuff out. And even with no attachment to my skills and creative products, it was AWFUL.
@Craftastrophies I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I am trained, and at my job I am sometimes forced to design by committee. It's hell.
A few years ago a boss I had was having a problem with another newer employee about her attendance and he had to let her go. It didn't go too well and she caused a scene. The first thing he said to me from across the hallway after she left was, "Do not ever let me hire another black girl again. Never."
I got #17 almost exactly once, after my grandma, cousin, then uncle died within a few months of each other. In a serious meeting about my poor work performance (which also included a reprimand for inconsistent hole punching and font use on my internal spreadsheets) "You are out of vacation days until next April, you've been going to too many funerals."
Once during a meeting about an article we were writing together with our research group (I'm a long suffering PhD student) one of the researchers handed in a piece that was 22 pages too long. We were all supposed to hand in a 2 page text. As I asked him why his text was so long, one of the leading professors cut in and said to me: "He's older than you!"
@MissMushkila Thanks for taking the time to share your experience. It really is reassuring to know that I'm not just being overly bitter or 'weak', even though the sensible side of me knows that, the rage-y side of me often forgets.
p.s. right after this happened I went to the batting cages a few times and it helped SO MUCH.
This has to be the greatest post ever. All I can think of are things that my ex-boss would say to other people about me who would then later come and tell me. For example, he would walk around the office asking a few of my male friends if they were "servicing me" (which none of them were). He would also proceed to sit at his desk and look through all of my Facebook pictures at least once a day like a real creeper. And best of all, he somehow convinced our whole office that we were sleeping together (which was not true, he was way older then me, a genuine perv and he was married). But of course I got ranked as the office slut. What a fun time that was! … o_O
After telling my boss that treatment for my cancer could put me into early onset menopause (I am 23): "OH, well, if you think about it, that's what happened to Nutella (her fucking puppy) when they spayed her and she's ok!"
@Megan Patterson@facebook yeah, I've resorted to the men's room many a time, but I do put on my "don't f***with me I"m batshit crazy face." Please, ladies, if you have to use the men's room, look frighteningly, menacingly insane. All kidding aside, what a horrible thing to go through. I'm sorry that happened. And @momentisaflower batting cages are the best! And good that you're in a new job. Sometimes it's just best to get away, even if you're not the wrong party. People can be such poison.
As for the "horrible things strangers have said," I'm scared to read it, because I'm often the stranger who says horrible things… I have sent so many people away either whining about "rude new yorkers" or just in utter shock who have dared to stop and ask me something when I'm under-caffeinated, or just plain grouchy. Yikes! (However, I don't take a single thing back. They all deserved it.) Perhaps I should suggest a column called "Amusingly horrible times strangers have yelled 'BITCH' at me?"
How about my brother-in-law who told his boss that his wife (my sister) was expecting and therefore he would be taking paternity leave in a few months. The boss's reply: "How do you know it's yours?"
#9 (runner-up) here. My horrific boss would later telephone my mother when I was wheeled off to emergency surgery (for a different ailment) and upon hearing my hysterical mother say I had just been taken in for surgery, ask when did she think I could return to work. He was an all-around terrible boss, but as with a lot of large companies, HR took his side. It wasn't until my brother went to HR and threatened to sue for harassment did HR forbid him from contacting me until I returned to work.
When my boss's best friend retired as CEO (that's how my boss got his job), my boss was soon fired after for incompetence. I am still astounded he was never fired for being an all-around assclown, and I do know many women lodged complaints against him.
When my father died, my sister took a week of bereavement. A week later, she came down with a terrible flu (understandable, in the fall, when you're also exhausted from grieving, right?). The second day she called in sick, a lady answered the phone and said, "You took a week's bereavement recently, and now you're taking your second day off? We keep track of these things, you know!"
GRAWR