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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

17

Your Destiny, Your iPhone (-Pad, -Pod Touch)

Some of us at The Hairpin have a crippling weakness for fortune-telling, so when an evil witch (scojo) wrote in asking us to plug the app she and her numerologist friend spent six hundred years months putting together ... it did not require much inner debate. Here we go: "The app is called Cosmic Mates and you can run compatibility on your loved one(s), friends, and family. It rates your relationship! Eek! Just think, how many people could avoid writing into to A Lady or A Dude or A Queer Chick or A Married Dude?" Wait a second, evil witch! We need those questions; why are you trying to ruin our website? In conclusion, don't go get her app, even though it sounds fun and potentially crushing, and definitely don't buy it ($2) when you're out with your friends getting low on things to talk about. Don't do anything she says, she is a wicked witch from the future.



17 Comments / Post A Comment

atipofthehat

I drew three cards for you, Edith.

I. You
THE HIGH PRIESTESS
She has the lunar crescent at her feet, a horned diadem on her head, with a globe in the middle place, and a large solar cross on her breast. The scroll in her hands is inscribed with the word Tora, signifying the Greater Law, the Secret Law and the second sense of the Word. It is partly covered by her mantle, to shew that some things are implied and some spoken. She is seated between the white and black pillars--J. and B.--of the mystic Temple, and the veil of the Temple is behind her: it is embroidered with palms and pomegranates. The vestments are flowing and gauzy, and the mantle suggests light--a shimmering radiance. She has been called occult Science on the threshold of the Sanctuary of Isis, but she is really the Secret Church, the House which is of God and man. She represents also the Second Marriage of the Prince who is no longer of this world; she is the spiritual Bride and Mother, the daughter of the stars and the Higher Garden of Eden. She is, in fine, the Queen of the borrowed light, but this is the light of all. She is the Moon nourished by the milk of the Supernal Mother.

II. Your true love
THE PAGE OF CUPS
A fair, pleasing, somewhat effeminate page, of studious and intent aspect, contemplates a fish rising from a cup to look at him. It is the pictures of the mind taking form. Divinatory Meanings: Fair young man, one impelled to render service and with whom the Querent will be connected; a studious youth; news, message; application, reflection, meditation; also these things directed to business. Reversed: Taste, inclination, attachment, seduction, deception, artifice.

III. Your future
THE FOOL
With light step, as if earth and its trammels had little power to restrain him, a young man in gorgeous vestments pauses at the brink of a precipice among the great heights of the world; he surveys the blue distance before him-its expanse of sky rather than the prospect below. His act of eager walking is still indicated, though he is stationary at the given moment; his dog is still bounding. The edge which opens on the depth has no terror; it is as if angels were waiting to uphold him, if it came about that he leaped from the height. His countenance is full of intelligence and expectant dream. He has a rose in one hand and in the other a costly wand, from which depends over his right shoulder a wallet curiously embroidered. He is a prince of the other world on his travels through this one-all amidst the morning glory, in the keen air. The sun, which shines behind him, knows whence he came, whither he is going, and how he will return by another path after many days. He is the spirit in search of experience. Many symbols of the Instituted Mysteries are summarized in this card, which reverses, under high warrants, all the confusions that have preceded it.

Edith Zimmerman

@atipofthehat An effeminate page? Whaaattt?

atipofthehat

@Edith Zimmerman

He's looking at a fish!

ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS

annepersand

@atipofthehat That was the most elaborate come-on I've ever seen.

Charlotte

@atipofthehat Wow, that's an excellent spread. Perhaps the querent has recently felt a surge of power, confidence and strength come into her life. The page of cups indicates at present a younger sensitive man who offers inspiration and a chance for creativity to blossom. Could also be a bit of delusion involved in the current life situation but overall, The Fool is a very positive end card. It indicates you are stepping joyfully (hopefully not FOOLISHLY, see what happened there?) into your future, excited and free. Best of luck!

atipofthehat

@annepersand

She could never resist gorgeous vestments or curious embroidery. The real stumbling block is: How to combine her with Jane? For only Janedith, etc.

Valley Girl

This is the digital replacement for the notebook paper mash notes of yore for today's tech savvy 4th graders, y/y? Kids today.

annepersand

@Valley Girl You mean like this? Wave goodbye to your afternoon.

arielleann

iTunes store credit made me do it.

Kneetoe

Well I for one am out of here.

tin can phone

Eehh, call me when I can turn my iphone into an on-the-go ouija planchette.

cherrispryte

Yeah, but she's our witch.

City_Dater

I'll just continue to make do with my Magic 8 Ball for Blackberry.

fondue with cheddar

@City_Dater In college, two friends of mine who were roommates spent an entire week consulting the Magic 8 Ball for every decision, even no-brainer decisions like "Should I go pee?" They were weird guys.

leonstj

So, while I'm a super-skeptic about all things, I'm endlessly in love with the I Ching, and have been forever and ever (amen). Basically, it is the greatest fortune telling system ever.

I super duper highly recommend the yarrow stalk method. It's still how I resolve pretty much all life issues.

atipofthehat

Okay, I got the app.

GET THIS APP !!!!!

It's lots of fun and spookily accurate, and the disclaimer states that it will not breathe a word about that thing you did that no one knows about.

scojo

right? It's totally a love-hate thing. When it tells me my BFF is my BFF, I'm stoked - I Knew It! But when it tells me my marriage is a 4 on a scale of 1 to 8 - I'm all bummed but also, I Knew It! My 4/8 Marriage is an UPGRADE from marriage 1, rated as a 3/8 ("uphill battle" - oh little app, you have NO IDEA)! Baby steps! Maybe if I get married 8 times then I'll finally have the perfect match.

And hey, don't forget Pythagoras invented numerology and he was the shiznit.

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