Wednesday, September 28, 2011


What Women Want, According to the October Covers of Lucky, InStyle, InStyle Makeover, Glamour, Bazaar, Cosmopolitan, Allure, Elle, and Marie Claire

Fall’s hot shoes
Fall’s hot boots
Fall’s hot bags
A bag guide
Gorgeous bags
New looks
To look younger
To look thinner
To look cute this weekend
To love their look
To wake up gorgeous
An over-the-counter facelift
Straighter hair
Great hair
Healthy, shiny hair
Rock and Roll Hair
To find their perfect haircut
Perfect skin
To get great skin
To keep great skin
Their best skin ever
New skin treatments
To shrink their inner thighs in six minutes a day
To do the toughest workout in America
To do a sexypants workout
To burn 800 calories in an hour
Free stuff!
Cheap thrills
Lady Gaga
Debbie Harry
Rachel Weisz
Lea Michelle
Jennifer Aniston
Rachel Bilson
Sarah Jessica Parker
Angelina Jolie
Olivia Wilde
Jennifer Aniston again
Demi Moore
Alicia Keys
Reese Witherspoon
Naughty sex tips
Sexy shoes
Sexy, classic styles
Personal style
Style secrets
To dress the way they’ve always wanted
The best fashion tips
Amazing fashion finds
Amazing fall outfit ideas
Days of amazing outfits
Amazing breakthroughs
Winning products
Cool accessories
Insider tricks
Key pieces
New trends
To learn about Nina’s big challenge
To learn how to cook for a flat belly
To learn 4 words that seduce a man anytime
To learn 50 things you should never stop doing in a relationship
Chic coats

Sarah LaBrie lives in Brooklyn and writes. She tumbls here and also, sometimes, here.

130 Comments / Post A Comment


WTF is a sexypants workout?


@Megan Patterson@facebook What ISN'T it, Megan? What ISN'T it???
(I don't know?)


@Megan Patterson@facebook I think it might be like the workouts you do in heels?

Which, don't ever do those. Because you will fall and it will be awful.


@elizabeast Coco (Ice-T's wife) lifts weights in heels. I don't know how she does it but she never falls AND she looks good doing it.


@Megan Patterson@facebook every time I work out, it is a sexypants work out. BOOYAH.


Hmmmmm, I don't see Kneetoe on that list ...


i just want a rum ham.


@auberginedream "Did you just call me rum ham?!"


@auberginedream I personally want a sunscreen bottle filled with tequila.


@auberginedream I would like a green 'jewel' and a crab carcass.


@EleanorRigby i'm thinking malibu coconut rum and banana boat would compliment each other nicely.


@auberginedream Am I allowed to say I want to be on a party boat full of guidos, getting a custom spray tan? Because I honestly kind of do want that.


@emilylouise hellz yeah you are. i want to motorboat some creepily defined abs.


@auberginedream I heard about a whiskey-soaked doughnut over the weekend! Someplace in Philly has them.

Also: My dad puts vermouth in an "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spray bottle to mist his martini glasses.


@auberginedream "Charlie, we didn't put tequila in your sunscreen bottle."


@punkahontas your dad is a goddamn genius.


@punkahontas Party at your dad's house??? Because obviously you're both awesome.


1. As others have stated, your dad is clearly a genius.
2. Whiskey-soaked doughnut?! I'm going to Philly on a food writing assignment this very weekend! I must find this!


@auberginedream I have a friend who filled the water-dispenser in her fridge with Chardonnay...


@auberginedream Okay, both of those things just blew my mind with their awesomeness.


@auberginedream -- incredible. i submit yes to the rum ham...and to fun times under the boardwalk with white girl micro braids


@emilylouise Whiskey soaked donuts are at Johnny Brenda's in Northern Liberties. They weren't as MIND BLOWING as they sound, but JBs is a pretty awesome spot in general, as well as the No Lib area.

Check the Standard Tap out for an amazing burger experience.


@metermaid Hey, thank you! I appreciate the info. I've never been to Philly before so I'm pretty excited.


@emilylouise Dr. Brennan, is that you??

@Petunia: My grandfather rigged up a tap on the outside of an old refrigerator and hooked it up to a keg that sat on the topmost rack.


@bamboozeled But don't get them caught in anything!


@Xanthophyllippa Ahhh. That's the girl from Bones right? People always tell me I look like her... and/or "young Katie Couric" which I guess is a compliment, but I'm not sure. I would feel better if Katie Couric were on the list of things we want this fall.

get it?

@punkahontas My grandmother saves old bottles of jet dry so she can fill them with gin martinis and sneak them into events like baseball games. or my high school graduation.

The Lady of Shalott

I'm sensing a theme here.


@The Lady of Shalott Yes, a theme that involves everything but paying bills and having a job. And friends. And anything other than a giant walk-in closet.


I am EXTREMELY CONCERNED that someone let the Womens mags know about the secret 4 words to seduce us anytime. Either you guys had a spy in the meeting or one of us spilled the beans. This could spell curtains for the patriarchy!



I swear I never told anyone about "I have a vagina"!


@atipofthehat I have small labia?


@leon.saintjean There are two jokes I debated. One was "Lacy, gently wafting curtains?" and the other was "meat curtains?" Choose your own adventure!


@leon.saintjean Are those four words "amazing fall outfit ideas"? There's a lot of things I want on that list, it'd be good to kill two birds with one stone.


@atipofthehat I figured "I like giving head" was clenched.


@atipofthehat "Fine, put it in"?





@parallel-lines not even sure you need words. The curling of the finger"come hither" gesture is pretty much all it takes.





@atipofthehat - TUBAL-CAIN (newsradio anyone)


@leon.saintjean The finger crooking move relays a level of enthusiasm that is completely absent, especially if Rich Santos is involved.


Haha, I read this one in the checkout line, the four words are "I want you now." You boys are such complex, mystical creatures!


@MoonBat that would probably just make me laugh. I think the most seductive real answer would be "Bourbon. Otis. My place."


How about a seductively whispered, "spray me with vermouth"?


@leon.saintjean "I won't laugh, promise"?


Four words to seduce a man everytime: Let's play Call of Duty. Whoops. That's five. Whatever. I'm just a girl. I don't get math.


@kayjay "Let's play Halo: Reach." BAM. Fixed. Also, Halo Reach is really fun so like... win win?


@SBGBlogs Well-played. Also acceptable: Deadspace. Which should be two words, really. So let's pretend.


@kayjay Does anyone else have such a crush on Isaac? His bad engineer posture, his humble desperation when he breaks away from an alien that's about to eat his face and swings wildly with his big fist, his uncertainty when he goes into the armor-upgrade closet...!
Okay by this time SOMEONE else needs to have a crush on Isaac.

Anastasia Beaverhausen

I'm exhausted just reading that. And, interestingly enough, do not want any of those things.


@Anastasia Beaverhausen Not even free stuff? I thought everyone wanted free stuff. I want free stuff.

Anastasia Beaverhausen

@pixieg Unless the "Free Stuff" is bourbon, ham, and biscuits, I'm not interested :)


@Anastasia Beaverhausen but it's actually dirt and four pianos


@Anastasia Beaverhausen This explain why I don't read women's magazines. I prefer travel ones...

prefer not to say

No "figuring out how to take care of your bed-ridden dad and bankrupt mom even though they live 1100 miles away"? Hmmm. Maybe I need to try Shape.

Ginger Slap

@prefer not to say - I tried Shape, just more sexypants stuff...

Yankee Peach

I would like a magnetic fridge set of these for Christmas.


I want Minka Kelly.


@Lucia Martinez Only if she's doing humpilates.


Where's my G-spot?!?!


@Heygirlhey Oh God, I borrowed it. I'm sorry. I meant to ask, but then you were out, and I thought I could return it before you missed anything. I'll drop it off after spin closs, okay?


@melis If you spin something on this one, YOU are paying to have it dry cleaned, okay.


@annepersand And if you shrink it in the wash, I'm gonna be REALLY pissed.


I think they forgot someone to do the dishes and a nap in the middle of the afternoon.

oh, disaster

I think I saw this exact list in my SPAM folder.


@andrea disaster HA! You know, as soon as I saw the words "SPAM folder", I immediately thought that it was another word for vagina, like ham wallet, etc. Sorry about that. I felt like I should come clean. And clearly I've been on hairpin a little too much these days.


I move to get "SPAM folder" adopted as an official Hairpin colloquialism for vagina!

oh, disaster

@MoonBat I second this, which if that's the case, I have found cheap thrills, not chic coats.


@andrea disaster All in favor?????


@MoonBat Motion carries. Or Voices Carry, for all the 'Til Tuesday fans.


@kayjay I <3 you!


I don't see "a second bourbon and soda" or "a cheese and smoked meat platter" anywhere on that list.


Why are you writing about magazines when you could be writing about shoes?

squid v. whale

Nothing about cake. Do women know nothing about women?!


@squid v. whale Yeah, like red-velvet cake.

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

How about Flamin' Hot Cheetos, the complete seasons of Breaking Bad, and how to teach your dog to stop staring at you and walk his damn self already.


@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

Knock, knock!

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

@atipofthehat He is just great. I want a Heisenberg Says Relax shirt.


Does anyone over 16 actually read these magazines seriously? My friends and I would buy them when we were 16 year old virgins to act like we were sophisticated grown up ladies, learning about sexual intercourse and other grown up lady things. Then when we were 18 year old non virgins, we kind of realized that they were total bullshit, full of recycled articles and dumb ass advice (eat a donut off his dick!)

That said, what I want is a magical pesto-grilled-cheese-making robot so I don't have to spend ten minutes making one any more. Hey, I'm a poor grad student, stop judging me for eating the same thing every night, robot!


@bonnbee Define "seriously"?


@bonnbee "pesto-grilled-cheese" you have changed my life.


@bonnbee Eat a donut off his dick? That's brilliant! Mmmm... donuts...

Pound of Salt

@bonnbee This morning I was making a cheese sandwich and thought, What about pesto? No, that wouldn’t be good.

Flavor me wrong!


@iceberg Heres the vegan recipe ( yeah I'm one of those): melt a tablespoon of earth balance in fry pan, toast rye bread, spread with homemade pesto (1 bunch of basil, two cloves of garlic, some nutritional yeast and a handful of toasted pine nuts, spun in food processor with a drizzle of basil-infused olive oil), add slice of tomato and some vegan cheddar, toast until cheese is melty, eat like a wildebeest because its soooooooo good.


@florabora being like, "omg! Sexy new erogenous zones I've never heard of? Men want you to tweak their nipples? Thin thighs in 20 seconds a week??? Take my five dollars, cosmo! I must mnow all your secrets!"


@bonnbee Well Cosmo is the only one really that bad. And I don't know anyone who buys Cosmo for anything other than pure entertainment.



A doughnut hole is about a 1-inch diameter....


@bonnbee that sounds amazing! i am totes trying.


@bonnbee I will henceforth eschew plates and bowls and the like in favour of eating all my meals off of dicks. Bonus: easier to clean, no more waiting for the dishwasher to run!

Wookiee Hole

@LilyMarlene Excellent idea! I'm getting fat, but the boyfriend is so happy!

Patricia Mitchell@facebook

I DO want cheap thrills and to see Debbie Harry live. But I'll settle for a cabana boy


@Patricia Mitchell@facebook I had a similar thought! They're not all wrong, because I am VERY interested in both Debbie Harry and chic coats. Two of my favourite things!


@gobblegirl I would like Debbie Harry to take me shopping for chic coats. And to be my BFF. Is there an article that will teach me how to make this happen?


I want my life to turn into a TV on the Radio video. Do I go to Rolling Stone for that?


@JessTheMess I want to learn how to make meth in a coke bottle. What magazine do I read for that? Highlights?


@Lemonnier ranger rick. Cooking is a woodsy activity.


@JessTheMess Me too. I haven't managed to make much money legitimately; it's time I turned to a life of crime and possible explosions.


I thought all she wanted was another baby.


@bonnbee i'm glad that donut dick is also your example of all that is wrong with cosmo. nutella slathering is much more empowering anyway.


I'm kind of intrigued by "insider tricks;" it makes me think I'll get to learn how to lay a hardwood floor, use Excel more efficiently, or peel a head of garlic in ten seconds. But you know it's probably just the same old instructions for a smokey eye.


But all I really want is deliverance. O ahooo wahoo whao wah


@GooooGrapefruit! I LOL'd


Wait - there are 50 things to never stop doing? I thought I had it covered with sex and back rubs. What are the other 48???


@Bebe the other 48 things are to repeat the 4 magic words of seduction, twice per hour of the day, everyday, forever.


@SassyAsh Hmmm...that seems like a lot of work. Could I just record it and then play it on a continuous loop? Otherwise, it will take valuable time away from my shoe, bag, and sexpants workout schedules.


@Bebe Like a Tibetan prayer wheel of man-entrapment.


SELF promises to shrink your inner thighs too! Is that the body part we're supposed to be hating this month?


@D.@twitter And really, just "thighs" wouldn't have sufficed? Or is "outer thigh" a thing too?

Party Falcon

OMG, they totally forgot something I would want. As a woman. Beyond the sexypants and various hairs.

A guide to telling Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester apart at a glance without having to read the captions.


@KittyConner YUP


Reading these guides made me stop buying women's magazines

For reals


the juxtaposition of "what women want" and "mondo labia" in the header is troubling me.


this is an epic list (also hilarious); thank you, hairpin!

Tess McGeer@twitter

I mean, I DO want Minka Kelly, though.


I definitely want free stuff and rock'n'roll hair. But there's a "free stuff" category on craigslist, and I haven't washed my locks in a while, so I guess I have all that I want already!


Alcohol! Free stuff! Drugs! FREE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

also shoes? I am running low


sarah girl

@Nutmeg At a glance, I thought this was one of those spammer comments.


@Sarah H. So... you no longer think that? I am not trying hard enough!


veruca salts, every last one of us. we just want to lock it all up in our trendy, chic, size 0, sexypants pockets.


800 calories in an hour? I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Rachel Kantstopdaphunk@facebook

i actually do want gorgeous bags, and Alicia Keys.
Otherwise, I don't think they were talking to me.
Plus our mutual definitions of gorgeous bags varies greatly.

Lumpy Space Princess

I bet cooking for a flat belly would be pretty easy, since the belly wouldn't eat much!


The hottest thing I ever said to my fiance during a baseball game: Base hits win ball games.

Use your sultriest voice.


Hmm. Mainly I want to eat so much garlic chicken my sexypants explode and occasionally have a nice lie-in. Holy shit. I think that means I am NOT A WOMAN!!! (rushes off to check "important parts" in mirror).


What is Nina's big challenge? TELL ME. THIS IS ALL I WANT FROM LIFE.

Queen of Uncool@twitter

Jennifer Aniston is cool though ;) Seriously though, this is why I don't read them!

Colleen Gaddis

"To learn 4 words that seduce a man anytime"

"Want to have sex?"

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