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Friday, September 23, 2011

60

Thinking About Nuts

To prepare for the weekend, and to stock up on Conversation Lull-Fillers, let's all brush up on our Nut Facts (cashew-oil facials? What?) before revisiting noted nut considerer Alex Balk's controversial, crazed list.

When asked whether the passing of time had changed his mind, Balk had this to say: "I took a lot of heat for that post. And when something like that happens a man has to pause and reflect. Were the criticisms fair? Was I perhaps incorrect in some of my rankings? Well, I took a lot of time and gave some serious consideration to the complaints, but when it all comes down to it I have no doubt that I was absolutely right about every single thing there, particularly the placement of cashews, which SUCK SO HARD. Eat my ass, cashews!" Careful what you wish for.

60 Comments / Post A Comment

Pound of Salt

Anything related to poison ivy (CASHEWS) is the worst. Also mangoes.

boyofdestiny

Balk is right. Cashews are awful. I feel more strongly about this than I do about Granny Smiths, amazing but true.

notandersoncooper

@boyofdestiny : No, Balk is wrong. It's cilantro that sucks ass.

Ophelia

@notandersoncooper Actually, all of you are correct. Both cashews and cilantro are gross. Granny smith apples, however, are delicious.

notandersoncooper

@Ophelia I'm gonna have to contemplate this over a nice cup of Earl Grey tea.

Ophelia

@notandersoncooper Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

L M
L M

my conversation lull-filler is tequila. I seem to be doing it wrong.

meattubs

Cashew-haters, Mr. Peanut brandishes his cane at you for being so wrong! Why in God's name would one rank a Brazil nut above a cashew? This is craziness. On the bright side, more cashews for me!

Melusina

@meattubs Everyone knows that Brazil nuts are disappointing at best. Everyone.

Edith Zimmerman

@Melusina Seriously.

nothingtoseehere

whatever. cashews are the only nuts worth their salt.

MisterHippity

"Eat my ass, cashews!"

Actually ASS CHEW is an anagram for CASHEWS.

Coincidence? I think not.

meattubs

@MisterHippity Even though I completely disagree with you, good work.

MisterHippity

@meattubs Actually, I love cashews. But I cannot argue with the power of the anagram.

atipofthehat

@MisterHippity

Cashews are close poison ivy relatives!
(Quick, reply so it looks like you're wearing a hat!)

PS
I got the Mister Hippity CDs for my baby. They're a scream.

MisterHippity

@atipofthehat You got some Jim Copp CDs? That's awesome! Your children will have their minds warped just like I did!

SuperMargie

Cashews and Macadamia nuts are the best thing ever! After years of fighting with people about cashews, I have learned, however, to live and let live.

allifer

All y'all can go on hating. More cashews for meeeeeeeee!

Jolie Kerr

"noted nut considerer"

Nicely done, Lady Edith. Very nicely done.

oxla?

oh man. lets not start this whole nut kerfuffle going, again, please.

because everyone knows pistachios are no.1.

leonstj

@oxla? They really are. I even love the whole process. Except when they're dyed red. Why the fuck would you do that? "Hey, let's make this food stain peoples hands for NO GOD DAMN REASON". Whoever came up with red pistachios is an asshole.

Ophelia

@leon.saintjean When I was a kid, we'd have summer-long super-soaker wars that ranged through the neighborhood, and one summer someone's mom got our "army" a big vat of red pistachios. They're gross for eating, but they are very useful to make semi-indelible war paint - just dip them in water, and you can both draw on your own face to look fierce, or on your captives, to make them look ridiculous (fine line, there).

insouciantlover

@oxla? Red pistachio nut, green pistachio nut, natural - all natural white pistachio nut...

frigwiggin

@insouciantlover Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts...

MisterHippity

Maybe cashews are like cilantro?

Could people be genetically predisposed to either love them or hate them?

Melusina

@MisterHippity As long as guys don't try to hit on me by telling me that science has confirmed that they have special cashew receptors which predispose them to hate cashews.

MisterHippity

Today's culinary climate is so polarized.

It's amazing that we, as a nation, can get any meal prepared these days!

melis

@MisterHippity No, and it's like, once you get everybody to agree on something, Florida stops by, like it's all casual, no big thing, when you know it waited until it was too late to actually help with dinner, you know, in any significant way, and is like, "Oh hey, what's going on? You making dinner tonight?" and you're like "Yes, everybody agreed on cashew chicken, and Florida's like, "Ooooh," like that quiet but audible wince, and you turn around from the stove and you're like, "WHAT." And Florida's like, "Nothing, nothing," but dinner's ruined anyway so you all just go to Taco Bell.

melis

Where North Dakota all of a sudden pipes up in the back seat, "Oh my God, you guys, I totally left my wallet at home and I don't have any cash, does somebody mind spotting me?" And everybody sort of rolls their eyes because sure, once in a while, it's like no big deal, but North Dakota pulls this shit all the time and Maryland pulls out its wallet, you know, like, "Sure, no big deal," and everyone kind of wants to tell Maryland not to encourage it, but whatever, it's Maryland's money. And then North Dakota ends up getting like three chalupas plus those twisty cinnamon things. Jesus.

SuperGogo

@melis And then you drop by the Red Box because you're all bored and no one wants to rewatch any of the DVDs you already have and you're trying to figure out which movie to get and Texas and California start going at it because Texas wants this super-gory Saw-like thriller and California pretends to want some feel-good-but-boring documentary but you suspect secretly really wants to watch the Saw movie too and meanwhile no one else can get a word in edgewise and you just know you're going to end up with whatever Texas wants even though almost everyone in going to hate it.

melis

All nuts are terrible, and since STC seems to be on vacation this week, I invite the rest of you to start making lesbian jokes...now.

boyofdestiny

@melis What are you, some kind of lesbian? You don't like nuts? That's lesbian talk.

melis

@boyofdestiny A+, would laugh again.

atipofthehat

@melis

She says she's thinking about nuts. Whose nuts? Red Speedo? Subway seat spread? Swinging free? Could she have freenuts envy?

insouciantlover

Okay, first off I think (but am too lazy to confirm) that cashews are technically nuts, not seeds.

Secondly, brazil nuts really are the worst.

Jolie Kerr

Alex Balk is the walnut of men. Greasy and gross and always ruining otherwise wonderful things.

atipofthehat

@Jolie Kerr

But once you get past his rotting green rind and oily juice, there's a wrinkly old heart full of goodness!

Jolie Kerr

@atipofthehat (Aww. I do have a soft spot for that furry old fuck, I do.)

Dancercise

@Jolie Kerr
Right? Walnuts in baked goods are awful. Whenever someone makes brownies with walnuts, a part of my soul dies.

atipofthehat

@Dancersize

My wife made a lovely cake and put walnuts on the edges so people party guests could scrape them off. Most did!

melis

@Dancersize STRONGLY DISAGREE.

Ophelia

@Dancersize Ugh, you are so right.

Dancercise

@melis
What's it like being wrong?

notandersoncooper

@Dancersize & Opheilia: Walnuts in brownies are almost as bad as raisins showing up in cookies where chocolate chips should be.

Ophelia

@notandersoncooper ...but dried cherries in cookies = WIN! (actually, oatmeal cookies with dried cherries and chocolate chips are the best cookie)

Hambulance

@notandersoncooper Cilantro AND raisin hater? I'm in love.

Even if you aren't Anderson Cooper.

atipofthehat

@Hambulance

On the other hand, Anderson Cooper is not notandersoncooper.

Hey, I did a 360!

Hambulance

Easy, @atipofthehat blowing my mind at work....

sarah girl

HOW ARE THERE NO "BEST IN SHOW" QUOTES IN THIS THREAD YET

melis

@Sarah H. Don't worry! We covered it the first time around.

Kneetoe

What a bunch of elitist fucks you all are, not giving the peanut its due. It is one of the great conveyers of salt ever, and it can do anything. WHO SPEAKS FOR THE PEANUT? I do, that's who.

Ophelia

@Kneetoe Are you the Lorax?

hands_down

Virginia peanuts. The end.

atipofthehat

@hands_down

Boiled?

Barry Grant

Wait ... no mention at all of Beer Nuts? Also, regardless of their biological classification, cashews are better than all other nuts combined. Have you ever seen anyone pick all the peanuts out of the mixed nuts first? No, because nobody does that. They pick out the cashews first.

atipofthehat

@Barry Grant

By the end of the night, anything that grows on a beer tree looks okay to take home and eat.

Legs Battaglia

should the hyphen be between "conversation" and "lull"?

The Bitchuation

this is honest to god one of the most contentious topics between me and the boyfriend. He has the nerve to claim PEANUTS are the best nut, which is obvs completely crazy. I usually counter his claim by pointing out that mixed nuts are always using "Less than 50% peanuts!" as a SELLING POINT, so hello, they are a filler nut just taking up room where delicious Brazil nuts could be living.

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