Qream Qocktail Qontest

If you ever do buy a bottle of Qream, be warned that it does not go away fast enough. It’s like something out of a Goosebumps story: the bottle of rancid, liquid cotton-candy that magically refills when you’re not looking! And then starts eating your pets! (Not really.) The only solution to this problem is to kill it in one night by inviting over all your friends and testing out some of the “official” Qream qocktail recipes, plus a few you make up on the spot after enough jello shots. (Sidenote: Why did I not think to ever make Qream jello shots?!) Consensus: Qream is the goddamn miracle fruit of liquor.

It is my final opinion that Qream is probably made with some sort of magical Willy Wonka chemical, because there is literally no other explanation for why a combination of Strawberry Qream and Green Apple Vodka would taste like BANANA STARBURST. What is with that!? This wasn’t the only one that resulted in some weird flavors! First, the only official recipe we managed to test. And I know I’ve said this many times, but seriously, every cocktail on their site looks like a glass of semen.

Peach Qobbler (no, not that Peach Qobbler, even though we totally made that first):
2 1/2 oz Peach Qream
1/2 oz. spiced rum
1/2 oz amaretto

This was supposed to taste like a baked good, but for some reason it tasted like Grape-flavored Benadryl. Or Dimetapp. Some sort of artificial-grape medicine that took me right back to being six and needing to leave the theater showing of Honey I Blew Up The Kid early because I had a fever and threw up in the seats. Ahh, memories. We didn’t have/feel like investing in the other mixers Qream suggests, like Navan, Ciroc coconut or Godiva Chocolate Vodka, so we improvised with any and all shitty liquor we had on hand. Here’s what we came up with.

Strawberry Qream and green apple vodka: Most peoples’ eyes started tearing as soon as they brought this concoction to their face, and yes, for some reason this tastes like banana! Banana taffy, really. Or just gross bananas.

Strawberry Qream and peach schnapps: This was actually delicio — PSYCH, no it totally curdled before we even had a chance to drink it. Don’t ask me why Qream curdles with peach schnapps and no other liquor. It is one of the many mysteries of Qream that humans were never meant to understand.

Equal parts Strawberry and Peach Qreams: Battle of the sexes!? Many of the men at the party thought this actually tasted great, while most of the women were somewhere in between “I’d drink it if you paid me” and “this tastes like even more chemicals.”

Strawberry Qream and chocolate syrup (taken like a Peppermint Patty shot): I’ve never been, but this tastes like what I imagine everything tastes like at Cheesecake Factory.

With that my Qream was kicked, save for about a shot’s worth of Peach Qream that will most likely go un-shotted. And though I knew what would happen when I finished the Qream, I didn’t then know what finishing the Qream would do to me. Where do I go? What do I bake with? What should people be disgusted with when they enter my kitchen? Please, give me direction, otherwise I might just have to buy another bottle.

Jaya Saxena is also looking for ideas on what to do with her pretty, empty Qream bottles.

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