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Thursday, September 1, 2011

113

Qream Qocktail Qontest

If you ever do buy a bottle of Qream, be warned that it does not go away fast enough. It's like something out of a Goosebumps story: the bottle of rancid, liquid cotton-candy that magically refills when you're not looking! And then starts eating your pets! (Not really.) The only solution to this problem is to kill it in one night by inviting over all your friends and testing out some of the "official" Qream qocktail recipes, plus a few you make up on the spot after enough jello shots. (Sidenote: Why did I not think to ever make Qream jello shots?!) Consensus: Qream is the goddamn miracle fruit of liquor.

It is my final opinion that Qream is probably made with some sort of magical Willy Wonka chemical, because there is literally no other explanation for why a combination of Strawberry Qream and Green Apple Vodka would taste like BANANA STARBURST. What is with that!? This wasn't the only one that resulted in some weird flavors! First, the only official recipe we managed to test. And I know I've said this many times, but seriously, every cocktail on their site looks like a glass of semen.

Peach Qobbler (no, not that Peach Qobbler, even though we totally made that first):
2 1/2 oz Peach Qream
1/2 oz. spiced rum
1/2 oz amaretto

This was supposed to taste like a baked good, but for some reason it tasted like Grape-flavored Benadryl. Or Dimetapp. Some sort of artificial-grape medicine that took me right back to being six and needing to leave the theater showing of Honey I Blew Up The Kid early because I had a fever and threw up in the seats. Ahh, memories. We didn't have/feel like investing in the other mixers Qream suggests, like Navan, Ciroc coconut or Godiva Chocolate Vodka, so we improvised with any and all shitty liquor we had on hand. Here's what we came up with.

Strawberry Qream and green apple vodka: Most peoples' eyes started tearing as soon as they brought this concoction to their face, and yes, for some reason this tastes like banana! Banana taffy, really. Or just gross bananas.

Strawberry Qream and peach schnapps: This was actually delicio — PSYCH, no it totally curdled before we even had a chance to drink it. Don't ask me why Qream curdles with peach schnapps and no other liquor. It is one of the many mysteries of Qream that humans were never meant to understand.

Equal parts Strawberry and Peach Qreams: Battle of the sexes!? Many of the men at the party thought this actually tasted great, while most of the women were somewhere in between "I'd drink it if you paid me" and "this tastes like even more chemicals."

Strawberry Qream and chocolate syrup (taken like a Peppermint Patty shot): I've never been, but this tastes like what I imagine everything tastes like at Cheesecake Factory.

With that my Qream was kicked, save for about a shot's worth of Peach Qream that will most likely go un-shotted. And though I knew what would happen when I finished the Qream, I didn't then know what finishing the Qream would do to me. Where do I go? What do I bake with? What should people be disgusted with when they enter my kitchen? Please, give me direction, otherwise I might just have to buy another bottle.

Jaya Saxena is also looking for ideas on what to do with her pretty, empty Qream bottles.



113 Comments / Post A Comment

melis

It probably curdled because of that 5% lactose that's lurking somewhere in the bottom of the bottle.

NeenerNeener

@mellis Who are you, and what have you done with melis?

melis

@NeenerNeener Well after I realized on Tuesday that everyone thought it was short for 'Melissa,' I thought this would help...with pronouncing it...in your heads?

melis

Mmm, also, I set her on fire.

NeenerNeener

@mellis I must be the only one the "Melissa" thing didn't occur to.

Also, you have some pretty big commenting shoes to fill, I hope it was worth it.

boyofdestiny

@mellis Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Ophelia

@NeenerNeener I didn't think of it either. But that's because I thought it was pronounced "mee-less" until earlier this week. Oh, well.

Lily Rowan

@mellis MELLis vs. meLIS?

NeenerNeener

@Ophelia Exactly what I thought. Exactly.

boyofdestiny

"mellis" is the new "Choire"

barbara millicent roberts

@mellis I knew a Turkish girl named Melis, pronounced MAY-lees, so I thought it was that. It's pretty, it means honeybee! Just FYI.

melis

@boyofdestiny It's pronounced mêlée , actually. Rhymes with missile.

Ophelia

@mellis You should really add some additional letters in there. Maybe start it with a silent P, like in pterodactyl.

NeenerNeener

@Lily Rowan Whenever it was- yesterday? - she said it rhymes with trellis.

Alli525

@mellis Oh see I was just pronouncing it like "Kelis," whose Qream milkshakes would probably still be bringing all the boys to the yard.

Lily Rowan

@NeenerNeener That's what I was trying to get at! Rhymes with trellis as opposed to Melissa-A.

theinvisiblecunt

What the fuck kind of lid is that. If I'm untwisting a giant faceted piece of plastic from the top of a bottle I'm half expecting a polly pocket wonderland to pop out why would you make that why would anybody make that arrggh

melis

@theinvisiblecunt You're back! Where EVER have you been keeping yourself.

theinvisiblecunt

@mellis, so you're telling me melis isn't short for melissa?

melis

@theinvisiblecunt Short for Magdalen, as in the college.

theinvisiblecunt

@theinvisiblecunt HMMM that's not the reply I meant to post here at all >:I
but at any rate, ~hiii melis~

Katiesaurous

@theinvisiblecunt I went to a *fancy* restaurant, last week, that proudly displayed Qream on its bar. Of course, I requested a taste. The poor bartender couldn't figure out how to open that fancy gem top. She had to go get help from some spiky dude

parallel-lines

Qream + Andre = the Quandre. You know this has to be amazing.

Ophelia

@parallel-lines Help me, I'm in such a Quandre! My woman-brain just can't handle it.

kayjay

@Ophelia I'm too pretty for homework so I make my brother do it!

Maria

It's the end of an era.

cherrispryte

It curdled when mixed with Peach Schnapps.

Why did this make me giggle so hard?

parallel-lines

@cherrispryte I hurled when mixed with peach schnapps, so this comes as no surprize.

martini

"Strawberry Qream and peach schnapps: This was actually delicio — PSYCH, no it totally curdled before we even had a chance to drink it."

You mean it... qurdled?

Jaya

@martini Oh man, I qan't believe I missed that one!

atipofthehat

@Jaya

We need a Qream-it app.

MoonBat

@Jaya
You had us at " but seriously, every cocktail on their site looks like a glass of semen."

ejcsanfran

@MoonBat: Qream - now comes in quarts!

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

MoonBat

@ejcsanfran
Enough for a proper bukkake party? Peachy!

Bunburying

@MoonBat
I think you mean BUQQAQE.

backstagebethy

I almost threw up at the website's descriptions of the flavors: "resulting in a clean, sublimely juicy cream finish." (Although it could also be a reaction to the candy corn I'm eating, which does make me want to puke sometimes even though I love it.)

theinvisiblecunt

"How's the flavor? Peach-esque, primarily; a little bleachy, with hints of money shot. Now how do we spin this for the ad copy"

scully

@backstagebethy I think I can categorically state that cream should never be juicy.

libs

What about Qream dips? Those pretzels are sqreaming for dips!

Ophelia

@libs maybe mix qream with yogurt and sugar? oh, god, this is so gross. I qan't take it.

martini

@Ophelia Qream yogurt! Perfect, because ladies love Qream AND yogurt!

boysplz

@libs Qreamy Qlam Dip!

becky@twitter

@martini qream and activia, for the 30+ crowd.

libs

@becky@twitter Yes! Bless probiotiqs!

leonstj

@becky@twitter Wait I thought I got to wait until 40 until I started eating bacteria cuz I'm old!

Argh plus i just got emailed a bunch of pictures from my grandfather when he was my age, and it turns out he looked just like James Dean, and I'm very grumpy that I did not inherit his genes, and instead got the other sides stupid irish potato-melon skull.

scully

Diana's suggestion for my white zin quandary was brilliant, but really why did I never think to mix it with Qream? It's the perfect expression of 2 wrongs make a disgusting concoction!
Also, Qream White Russian? (White Qrussian?)

Ophelia

@scully The Mail-Order Bride? Or the Russian Hooqer?

atipofthehat

If I drank any of these, I would make the face from Munch's "The sQream"

Clare

Jaya, have you really never been to a Cheesecake Factory? Is it because it's bougie? I know it's bougie but the food really is good! They make this little salad now with arugula, golden raisins, Marcona almonds, and shaved Parmesan with this suuuuuuuper acidy bright lemon vinaigrette. It tastes way more chic than something from a place called CHEESECAKE FACTORY has a right to.

Clare

@Clare This is the whitest, suburbanest thing I have ever written in my entire life. And I just posted a pair of Louboutin oxfords on my tumblr.

I award me no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

mustelid

@Clare But have you ever looked up the nutritional content of anything you've eaten there? I've been to a few family dinners there and was always like, "yeah I mean this is all right," but then I looked up the dish I had on the website and it was like 1500 calories! And it was one of the lighter things on the menu! Like where do they even put all the calories, I don't understand.

Something with that many calories better be god damned amazing.

Clare

@mustelid Can I be real with you? Like, really really real? I am not loving the tone of your comment. I might be fat, but I'm not stupid--I know Cheesecake Factory is bad for you.

That said, even I cannot eat an entire Cheesecake Factory entree in one sitting. I generally cannot eat an entire entree in TWO sittings! When you amortize a meal out over one day's dinner, the next day's lunch, and a snack on the third day, it's not so horrifying.

Can we still be friends?

melis

@Clare FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

mustelid

@Clare Oh I am sorry! I didn't mean it that way, I swear!

I truly did not know that Cheesecake Factory was that bad for you, until I looked it up! At least, the things that I was ordering. I am the stupid one! I thought I was being fairly healthy with my choices when I had gone there, and so I was really truly shocked that they managed to sneak all that shit in there. And I was eating the whole plate! I just... should probably shutup at this point.

God, I feel like a huge jackass. I really did not mean to be all calorie-county judgy, and I'm sorry it came across that way.

mustelid

@Clare I'm going to go drown myself in a bucket of Qream :'(

Clare

@mustelid Don't do that! That would be a really vile way to die.

I had a high school classmate who LIVED to ask you "do you KNOW how much FAT is in that?!" while you were enjoying your lunch (or trying to enjoy it) and whenever someone makes a calorie-county comment to me it really puts me on edge.

I try to take the libertarian approach to food. Even if I don't care for what you're eating, I'm going to keep that to myself. God knows I eat enough weird stuff of my own.

And now it's time for the hugging and crying portion of the proceedings!

mustelid

@Clare hugs/cries

I am the last person who could ever judge what other people eat, because sometimes I eat this. I just resent sneaky restaurants who have dishes that look like they would be fine if you had made an equivalent at home, but they somehow manage to make it ridiculous and then if you were raised with a "clean your plate" mentality, you're fucked.

Also that girl from your high school should probably drown herself in a bucket of Qream.

becky@twitter

@mustelid not to point fingers, but does that sandwich taste good?

pixieg

@becky@twitter @mustelid I also want to know this. What sort of taste is it? I can't imagine mayonnaise and peanut butter together, and I'm not ready to delve into this sandwich madness just yet.

mustelid

@becky@twitter @pixieg I like it, but I've been hard pressed to have other people try it. I mean, it sounds really weird. The only reason I ever tried it is because it sounded like a similar flavor combo to frites oorlog, which for some reason I tried when I was living in the Netherlands (probably a language issue, haha) and I really loved it. But it's like, the perfect hangover food -- protein, carbs, creamy, crispy. Trust me. Try it. It's good with a sprinkle of black or crushed red pepper, too.

ironhoneybee

@Clare Last month, one of my fave ladyfriends and I got all suburban, went mall shopping out on Long Island, and finished the day up at the Cheesecake Factory. Neither of us had been there for years, and now they actually write the number of calories for each selection right in the description! So you have to knowingly order the 1800+ calorie tamale corn cakes, which I did. Fave ladyfriend hilariously admonished the waiter, saying the proffering of said caloric info kind of ruined the experience, and he agreed, and said they had had numerous complaints since instilling the policy.

We're going back tomorrow.

laurel

What should people be disgusted with when they enter my kitchen?

I saw this at the grocery store the other day and I gagged.

Also, I want a job writing copy for terrible alcohol products.

Ophelia

@spiralbetty This smooth concoction tastes of breakups and extra cats, with the sweet undertones of late-night Lifetime movies.

laurel

@Ophelia This ripe, creamy liquor speaks of small hours spent bathed in the glow of the open refrigerator, three-day old Charles Shaw Zin in one hand, tub of Kozy Shack in the other.

Ophelia

@spiralbetty Perfectly paired with Snackwell's devil's food cookies, this exquisite beverage will let that special someone know how much you care about her mental health.

MissT123

@spiralbetty As a very disappointed chocoholic, I can attest: It seems like a much better idea than it turns out to be.

emilylou

@spiralbetty Ugh, I always see that at WALGREENS, of all places. It intrigues me, but in a bad way. Like, who is buying this? From the drugstore??

laurel

@Ophelia Show him how much you care with a romantic picnic without breaking the bank: Chocovine is beverage and dessert in one!

backstagebethy

@spiralbetty I've actually had a chocolate wine that was delicious--it wasn't at all milky, like yours seems to be. It's the Noche from Cooper Vineyards in VA, and it's a really good dessert wine if you ever come across it. (As opposed to a breakup wine.)

Ophelia

@backstagebethy I think I had that at the VA wine festival last year! By by that point, I was pretty much past the point of actually tasting any of the wine I was "tasting."

gin twin

@MissT123 Right? It tastes like straight up Bailey's to me. (Shut up, my aunt made me drink a glass!)

MissT123

@gin twin I tried it voluntarily and with great optimism! And bought it from a reputable local wine shop and not Walgreens! It ... no. Like, it was okay for about one sip, but then I would rather just have an actual chocolate milkshake, with no red-wine flavor.

@backstagebethy I would love to try this actually tasty chocolate wine! I live in hope.

shannonmkennedy@twitter

@laurel Yes, this:
"Listen to a song by Pharrell Williams and try to put it into only one category. Impossible, considering the producer and performer mixes sounds and genres effortlessly, right?"

JessicaLovejoy

The battle's done, and we kind of won, so we sound our victory cheer...

Lily Rowan

@JessicaLovejoy When does "The End" appear??

Ophelia

I see rum on your table. What about a pina qolada?

MissT123

@Ophelia And getting qaught in the rain?

kayjay

Qream looks like what I imagine clown cum to look like.

kayjay

@kayjay Whoops, I didn't play right. I meant, Qlown Qum.

cherrispryte

@kayjay How much time have you spent imagining the taste of clown cum?

cherrispryte

@cherrispryte oh god, I read that as "taste," not "look." I am a horrible person, excuse me.

ejcsanfran

@kayjay: I just hope the qlowns don't show up in that little qar - else'll it'll be a total qlown buqqaqe scene.

BTW, I just traumatized AND offended myself...

kayjay

@cherrispryte No, it's fine. You kind of read between my lines there.

Lily Rowan

@ejcsanfran And made me laugh really hard WHILE traumatizing and/or offending me.

scully

That Jim Beam thar makes me consider something like, "The BEAM QREAM dream stream" or, "Which Qream Reigns Supreme When Mixed With Jim Beam?" Omg Qream as the Iron Chef ingredient!! Make it so.

Ophelia

@scully I hope that when you said "Make it so," you said it like Jean-Luc Picard.

scully

@Ophelia I did. And that was directed at Edith. Because I believe she could.

sandwiches

@scully I really need Qream to be the special ingredient on Iron Chef, now, and Jeffrey Steingarten has to be one of the judges that night. It would be the most revolting, wonderful hour of television ever. Do they take write-in suggestions?

MissT123

"Un-shotted"--a much better word choice than "un-shat." Although the latter may also be true.

Dancercise

I must admit my slight disappointment, because I thought this post was going to announce a Qocktail Qontest among 'Pinners. Like, who among us can come up with the best Qocktail.

whatsherface

@Dancersize This can still be a thing! DO IT!

Edit: If someone can tell me where I can find Qream in the Toronto area, I would gladly have a boozy night mixing up some Qocktails. And you would all be invited, of qourse.

becky@twitter

@Dancersize me too. though, i can't seem to find it for purchase anywhere around boston.

itsasatchel

Why did you not try Qream in your coffee? It's called Qream! Awww come on. Qream is totally filed with Baileys and Kahlua! There has to be something wrong with me that I would want a human being to have to drink that :(

ribs+bbq

Hmm... has anyone ever made Qream pudding?

ejcsanfran

@_ribstbbq_: I think I have - it involves lotion, tissues and quietly weeping.

jstar

how about some SOUR QREAM on your baked potato? (barf)

tibia

@jstar a little qream in your qoffe??

becky@twitter

@jstar @tibia you're the qream in my qoffee. http://youtu.be/m-6m2CC0pPM

Charismatic Megafauna

Someone (me) is about to work on a Qadbury Qream Egg.

angelinha

@Charismatic Megafauna Oh my Qod. Do it!!!

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libs maybe mix qream with yogurt and sugar? oh, god, this is so gross. I qan't take it. landscaper in charleston

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