Insecurity and Awkward Encounters (Cats, Colds, Etc.)
I'm 25 years old and have a great job, great friends, and a great relationship with my family. I live in my favorite neighborhood in my favorite city in the world. I have a lot of hobbies and interests and I've finally learned to enjoy working out. I have a good life, is what I'm saying.
The problem is that after a painful breakup in the spring (and even a little before then), I've realized that I'm deeply insecure when it comes to men. This leads me to make terrible decisions, like pre-emptively rejecting guys I actually really like because I'm so scared they'll reject me, or dating guys I don't really like for way too long because any male attention is better than none. I can't act normally around men — I feel sometimes like a dog begging for scraps. I guess at heart I'm terrified of ending up alone, even though, as a feminist, I'm quick to say that being single is not the most horrible thing that can happen to a woman (and I believe that! Just not for myself).
So, I decided that I wouldn't date anyone until I could work that out and 1) become truly happy with my single existence, and 2) learn to see men as human beings and not as the owners of my self-worth. Unsurprisingly, it's a lot easier said than done. As a small example, a man at work is starting to show interest in me, and even though I know he isn't right for me, I'm finding it hard to discourage him.
Do you have any tips? How do I do this hard work?
Dudes! Can't live with them, can't kill yourself because then how would you meet dudes?
How you become happy with your single existence: Go to the spinster tent — you know, the purple and gold one on the lushest hillside, appointed with tapestries and rugs lovingly woven by generations of our foremothers — and spend your days gardening and reading poetry, and then dance joyously into the night to the sound of a thousand timbrels.
No, screw timbrels. Screw destructive Eat, Pray, Love vagazzlery. You can’t catch happy, even in India, and you can’t hide from sad. Happy is a feeling, not a status. It arrives more often and lingers longer when you aren't afraid of it leaving (a lot like dudes, go figure). Everyone, seriously, stop sweating happy. Let’s try “dealing.” Why do you have to be truly happy being single? Being single can really fucking suck sometimes. (Everything can, differently! Being alive: No one’s gotten it right yet.) Feel lonely! Dislike that feeling! Crave even imperfect romantic attachment!
But do — do — find a way to take it a little easier on yourself? If someone told a friend of yours she was like “a dog begging for scraps,” you would say that person was. . . a jerk? A bad, bad jerk. There’s a bad, bad jerk in the corner of your head, and you have to find a way to leave the room when she starts to run her mouth. Worst case scenario, you are a genuinely rotten and pathetic person (you are not. Pretty much everyone is just normal). OK. Well, you still have to haul your rotten, pathetic self through space and time somehow, and dwelling about how much you suck isn’t going to help you do it. PS, I have a jerk in my head too! He mostly bothers me about work-related stuff, and his name is Alan. I literally sit around my office telling an imaginary person named Alan to stuff it. And I’m not that good at my work right now! But fuck if I’m gonna let Alan get nasty with me about it — what has HE done lately? Stuff it, jerks!
Oh but the jerks in our head! Rivaled only by the jerks in the real world. Yes. The glazed eyes of people who want (or, god, worse, DON'T WANT) to fuck us are a warped mirror. You'll either grow out of the obsessive primping before it or become a Real Housewife, but who wants to wait to grow? What can we do NOW NOW NOW to care less about whether boys think we are pretty or not? Normally my advice would be "I dunno, just try to have ugly friends so you are always the pretty one?" but you said something smart that I want to come back to: that you want to "learn to see men as human beings."
That's why I wonder if your "no dates until I transcend" policy is the right one. If it sounded like you were getting involved in totally off-the-grid self-damaging stuff, maybe, but you sound pretty normal-crazy, and even if you didn't do anything I think you'd hit the standard giving-less-of-a-fuck milestones which occur in ages divisible by 6 or 9. In the meantime, though. . . men ARE human beings, pretty typical ones, mostly, and I've found hanging around them is a good way to get a sense of that. Why do you have to discourage this dude who seems into you at work? Why can't you just relax into the idea "I am being flattered. Flattery, unsurprisingly, is pleasant"? Yeah, yeah, then he asks you out, then you say, I don't see us like that, then he says, but you let me say nice things to you, and then you say, yeah, it's nice to hear nice things! And if he's like BITCH LED ME ON, well, then you'll know you were dealing with a jerk. Name the jerk in your head after him!
What you're really asking for is a source of validation other than — and more powerful than — the validation you get from dudes. Maybe, if you tried really hard, you could care less about dudes and more about being Best at Work, Knower of Best Bars, whatever — there are infinity unsuccessful ways to try to live in other people's minds, and maybe one of them will work for you. I don’t know, though, I think you need to learn that dudes don’t know what they’re talking about — in an adorable, chaotic, human way! — and I feel like talking to them is a good way to learn that. Engage in good faith and men will lose their imaginary power — and gain a whole new charm? — the more you are in the world with them, ask questions, challenge, coax, flirt, annoy. That's the "work," being in the world and asking why? how? why? you want to WHAT? over and over like the spiritual toddler you are. Upshot: I would say don't touch a dude's penis until you have made a point of asking him five involved, intrusive questions ("do you think I'm pretty?" doesn't count). Baby steps, girls! Baby steps.
Here’s the short story: I have a new friend who I’ve been flirting with like crazy. We just basically admitted we’d like to hook up sometime and traded dirty stories — what we’ve done to people, what we’d like to do to each other… he was a good bit more experienced than me, but whatever, I am a cute, confident young lady, that just sounded like a sexy challenge!
So anyway, this was finally a time we could both go out. I had a tiny little cold, but seriously wanted to impress this dude, like, as soon as possible, so I loaded up on cold medicine and headed to the bar anyway. And then, when he finally made a move to kiss me goodnight it went well, I was so hyped I just went ahead and asked him to come home with me. I have never had the guts to do that before, and I should be feeling kind of smug with myself, because he was totally into it.
But things went kind of funny after that and I maybe lost my cool a little. My cat was obnoxious. My apartment was messier than I thought. My underpants were mismatched. I ran into a door. And maybe it was the cold, or the medicine, or how late it was, I don’t know … but I think I kind of sucked in bed once we got down to it! I was way more dry than usual and kept apologizing for all the stupid stuff I should have just ignored, and I may have admitted I'd never just asked a boy back to my apartment like that before, and the whole time he was telling me how pretty I was and working really hard to give me orgasms and telling me I could be as loud as I wanted, and he was super well endowed and I didn’t even have any lube to offer and I didn’t end up getting him off at all, even though I kind of tried!
Eventually, he just ended up saying it was OK and spooning with me until we fell asleep and then I had to wake him up at an inhumanly early time and kick him out so I could leave for work. He was super sweet and kissy and told he’d be thinking about me all day when he left, but now he’s not talking to me at all, and we’ve been chatting every day, like, non-stop up until now!
So what happened? Do you think he is just totally over me because I was so awful in bed? Can I salvage this somehow? I’d really like another chance at banging him … I mean, just thinking about him usually gets me way more wet than that! Is it super crazy to try and let him know that this was totally not normal and I was probably just sick and nervous? Should I leave it alone? And was it totally unethical to expose him to cold germs?
YOU are the cutest. You are the actual cutest person, nice try Zooey Deschanel in New York magazine. Cold germs! Unethical! Is he in an iron lung? Is he the president? I'm just disappointed you didn't play up the stuffy "Ib so snick, wilb you take goob care of me?" thing. By "mismatched" underwear do you mean "tattered, blood-stained" underwear? When you say "walked into a door," do you mean "fell off a stool in a crowded, fancy hotel bar and took down an old lady with me? And I wasn't even drunk? I literally just can't sit?" I mean, your apartment was messy? Oh the utter FILTH I have stumbled through blissfully, hoping to bang. Like moldy old open Chef Boyardee cans are just the BEGINNING. It's like you are a cute, slightly spacey Maria as played by Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and the rest of us are that actual live pig they shot in Cannibal Holocaust.
Anyway, though, whyyy diiidn't heee caaall, as the song of the spheres goes? I mean yes, YCRM but also. . . this is just not adding up. Here are the possibilities.
1) You are not telling me something. Letter writer? (Stern Look) LETTER WRITER? LETTER ANNE WRITER, is there SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME? (Anne is everyone’s middle name.)
2) He was looking for some uncomplicated private-touching and just has thousands and thousands of options and the Nyquil Vag made him be like WHY BOTHER, THIS IS DIFFICULT. The context and the after-the-fact kissy-face-wuv-you-awww make me think no, but I don’t want to rule anything out. Maybe he’s married or has a girlfriend and feels bad. Or god, I don’t know, can you see him from where you’re sitting? If not, maybe he’s dead.
3) MOST LIKELY he has two feelings, or even more. Here: “Ahhh, I ALSO HAVE FRIEND-LIKE with this chick! That might get weird! But awesome! But weird! Should I have cooled jets a bit? She said she didn’t do this sort of thing and then it was fun but also a little awkward and what if she thinks I’m bad at stuff and she didn’t seem THAT into it but then she kept saying she was, just that she was sick? But she has a cat and I’m allergic SERIOUSLY WAIT, WHO HAVE I BECOME THAT I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT? My father is looking so frail these days. He says he’s proud of me, but there’s so much he’ll never know. Can I still dirty talk her on Gchat? Or is that, like, now she’s over it because no one came and she will be like GROSS I HATE YOU? Would that still be hot? If I started doing her all the time, could I not do other people? What about that that person, outside my window right now in the. . . is that what's called a jumpsuit? I’d jump that. . . suit? No, seriously, could I never do whoever that particular girl is outside right nowww . . . OK, she finished walking by. Yeah I should definitely chat work girl oh fuck I just remembered the part where the cat attacked my balls oh man she’s just gonna be like, it’s that weird guy with a cat on his balls right? Fuuuck fuck fuck I hate this tacos tacos I hate this."
Do you see this mess? Someone needs to take the goddamned reins over here, and it doesn’t even matter how or where you steer them. Here. I have a funny story about sort-of STDs that you are going to tell him, it’s going to make things great. It’s perfect, because it gives you a chance to acknowledge that you did, you know, stuff and talk about more stuff, but it’s weird enough to maintain plausible deniability if he’s like, who are you?
SO. Did you go down on him? Because I actually know a dude (FOR REAL, I know this dude, this is not an urban legend, we talked about this over pastries in the real world) who thought he had chlamydia, and then the doctor called him back and said "you have tested negative for everything except for um, influenza. Of the penis." Dick flu, you guys. Dick flu is a thing, and my friend got it. And thought it was chlamydia. Anyway, so you might have given him dick flu, and you should apologize ahead of time so he doesn’t worry it’s chalmydia. Or if you didn't go down on him, say "well it's a good thing I didn't go down on you because here's a story. . .about dick flu."
Previously: Dating Ethics, Drink-Legs, and Smell Interference.
A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?
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now i'm going to be thinking about dick flu and tacos all day
@breccia What are the symptoms? Is your dick lacking energy? Throwing up? Does he just want to lie around and watch a Law & Order marathon because nothing else is on, dammit? Did your dick call into work (even if the circumstances seemed suspicious)? Did your dick come into contact with some questionable clams that may have made him sick?
After crying like a bitch over the chat story, my feelings palate has been cleansed by "…um, influenza. Of the penis."
This A Lady might be my favouritest A Lady.
Also LW2, JUST CALL HIM ALREADY. Push through the awkward. (I can objectively give out this kind of advice and still be the person who's too skeered to call, right?)
@rayray Yes. Speaking as a man (or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof), sometimes we are too askeered to call. Especially after a deal like that where everything has gone down wrong? That dude is probably all weird about the whole thing, and is just like "I can't call, it's weird, I'm weird, she'll think I'm peculiar."
But, yeah, call him. That is the best advice. And all that coming from a guy who is always too afraid to call.
@elreydelamerica Or just Gchat him with "I would like a do-over"
@Ophelia Yep, I like that idea. I would definitely send a text or something that said "Um…mulligan? Nervous laughter?"
@Ophelia Or 'my cat would like a do-over'
@rayray: This works on so many levels.
Yes. Don't be afraid to call (chat text whatever) even if it means you might get rejected, it will end the ambiguity one way or another. I found out years after I dated a guy who didn't call back after a weird evening that he felt he scared me off, and I just assumed he didn't like me anymore.
This could be you!
I would strongly urge a call over text/chat/email. Those things can be (and are) so easily ignored, and the anxiety of not getting a response is killer. As someone once said to me after he found out I tried to set drinks up through text: "Dude. Rookie mistake." Yes. Yes it was.
But you should definitely say those things asking for a redo or a mulligan. And if the guy doesn't respond in a positive manner to those things, he's just a doofus. (But I'm too much of a coward to make that first move, so my advice isn't worth much outside of "do as I say"….)
@rayray Agreed. This is absolutely the best A Lady.
"…can't kill yourself because then how would you meet dudes?"
I'm sure I'll meet plenty in hell.
Yeah right. Influenza of the penis, penis cold sores, call it what you want – we know what it is, A Lady.
@theharpoon What! What is it?!
Someone accidentally jizzed in my friend's eye (he underestimated the trajectory) and she got chlamydia in her eyeball.
To be safe, tape a dental dam over each eye before engaging in oral sex.
@parallel-lines What does chlamydia do to someone's eyeball? Did it just look like pinkeye and then they were like, "nope no that is chlamydia in your eyeball." Should I even be asking this if I'm already feeling pukey today? Answer anyway!
@parallel-lines – Don't forget your nostrils!
@parallel-lines
OH
MY
GOD
NO
WAY
@Tuna Surprise
@nogreeneggs She thought she had the worst case of pinkeye on earth. Nope!
@parallel-lines welp okay gonna just go ahead and become a hermit now, bye
@parallel-lines I just snort-laughed my lunch, at my desk. thanks.
@parallel-lines
I hope they were having sex at the time.
@parallel-lines Don't forget ocular herpes! My cousin has reduced sight in one eye because no doctor he went to could figure out what was wrong with him. Fullbody condoms for all..
@parallel-lines I learned in college (book learnin!) that sperm isn't so smart, so it just tries to impregnate any cell that it comes into contact with. Our professor even used the example of an eyeball. If you get sperm in your eye, it will try to impregnate your eyeball. That's something that you just don't forget.
@chevyvan Yep! I used to do urinalysis in a veterinary lab, and if the dog wasn't neutered and it was a fresh enough sample, I was treated to the sight of little sperm dudes wiggling around, trying their luck with epithelial cells. It was both sad and inspiring.
@parallel-lines Carol never wore her safety goggles during sex. Now she doesn't need them.
@parallel-lines Oh my god, I cannot EVEN. You guise! I feel like I am 13 and someone is explaining sex and it is SO GROSS. I am definitely never having that.
Although, come to think of it, my beloved has had the snip so does not produce anything that will try to IMPREGNATE MY SKIN. So, that's cool.
@Craftastrophies I just remembered a sexual health nurse I know telling me about an outbreak of Chlamydia in my town. There was one sex worker who had an infection in her throat, so it wasn't showing up when she got tested, but she was giving unprotected blow jobs and the men were turning up infected.
@parallel-lines yes. that is so good. that is the best chlamydia tale of all time. i hope your friend is in good humor about it.
DICK.
FLU.
"LETTER ANNE WRITER"
amazing. this Lady is on point.
@likethestore Unless it's Marie! Seriously though, always, always either Anne or Marie.
@pterodactgirl Or Elizabeth! Or boring old Ann-without-an-e.
@pterodactgirl I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT. _Definitely_ Letter Marie Writer. As Jane can attest.
@mayonegg I am too! Read a story (somewhere?) where a little girl with the middle name Ann, knowing full well that her entire name meant business, tried to get her father's attention. When he didn't respond the first time, she hollered at him, "Daddy Ann!"
"Being alive: No one’s gotten it right yet."
Truer words.
This installment has perhaps been my favorite Ask A Lady. A couple thoughts though:
LW1: As someone who loves involved, intrusive questions in all contexts, that's great advice! But perhaps A Lady might have also reminded you not to date anyone at your office. At least, if you like your job. If you don't, well, go ahead, I guess. But be careful…
LW2: While the dick flu story is hilarious and crazy, and would absolutely start a conversation, if you're interested in getting it with that dude again, perhaps ponder a re-ice-breaker that doesn't involve making him consider the possibility, for even two seconds, that you gave him an STD. (Unless you might have, in which case, do! Obviously be honest with all partners always about sexual health.) It is… not the most direct route to bed. Or anywhere.
I thought Marie was everyone's middle name.
@Dancersize Oops. I will remove my comment that looks exactly like your comment, but happened before my comment.
Comment.
@Hambulance Don't delete it; I just responded to yours!
@Rosebudddd the other middle name possibility is Rose. Also sometimes Elizabeth. I once proved this theory in high school. We asked 20 girls at random and 19 had one of these 4 middle names.
@Dancersize I thought it was Beth!
@Dancersize It's totally Elizabeth…
@ormaisonogrande Elizabeth
When my sister and I used to play with our next-door neighbors, our parents would have to use middle names to specify which of us they were yelling at: "Caitlin Elizabeth!" or "Caitlin Marie!"
@ormaisonogrande My middle name is Beth, and when I was little my dad used to sing to me FirstName Beth, Marie, Marie – so I got two of the top four!
@Dancersize Lynn. Totally Lynn.
@SuperGogo Yay Lynn! (Ahem. That might be my middle name.)
@ormaisonogrande: I know like, 6 ladies with the middle name Lynn. Or Lyn. Or Lynne.
@Dancersize Or Mary, all my aunts have Mary – variation on Marie?
Mine, on the other hand, is my mother's maiden name, and not even recognisable as a name. It is what my high school tormentors called me. Yay, individuality?
@ormaisonogrande I am an Elizabeth too!
@Caitlin Podiak Dude, your parents named you and your sister Caitlin? Like in the 17th century, when families would have eight sons and name them all Thomas in the hopes that at least one of them would live and carry on their father's name?
@Xanthophyllippa LOL, no, one of the neighbors was named Caitlin. (But oddly enough, my dad's name is Thomas and he is one of eight siblings.)
I'm totally going to name my inner underminer.
@laurel As soon as I read about Alan, I immediately started calling mine Lorraine. (I had some mean babysitter or preschool teacher or maybe a friend's mom named Lorraine as a kid, I think?)
@laurel
I.U.:
Why bother? You won't think of a really good name.
@atipofthehat: Shut up, IUtobenamedlater.
@Layla: I think you're on the right track. "Linda" was my babysitter, the one with the son who used to beat the crap out of me. It took much of Nancy Mitford's oeuvre to make me not loathe that name.
@Layla Mine speaks in my grandmother's voice, so really I think she should have my grandmother's name. Also, it will be really satisfying to get to say, "Shut up, Grandma!" once in a while instead of biting my tongue all the time because she's old.
@laurel Mine's gonna be Mallory. She's thirteen years old, sits two rows ahead of me in math class (the math class of the soul) and has a nasty, bleachy smile. But fuck you, Mallory! Your parents are getting divorced and I'm bigger than you! Also, I'm sorry you're so sad and mean. Want a hug?
Dammit. This is backfiring now. OR IS IT
@Cindermoth That is my naaaame
Don't name it that, I totally support you!
@melis
Marshmallory goodness!
@laurel Me tooooo! The greatest idea. Only mine seems to be called Marlene, which is a problem as that is my current Office Manager. Could be awkward.
Shut Up, Marlene, you are not even that great! Ah, feels so good.
@laurel: How about "Underminer," a la The Incredibles?
@melis For you? I will change it. Henceforth she shall be known as Toxica.
Aaaah! This Lady!
I love this Lady.
i think that maybe i wrote both of these letters and submitted them in my sleep!? does that happen irl, y'all? could that happen?
@crapstie Depends on how much Ambien you took last night…
Cats are terrible for your sex life. Seriously.
@parallel-lines: Didn't there used to be blog that featured pictures of pets watching people have sex? Called Heavy Petting, maybe? ETA: Noooooooooooooooot the tumblr, NSFW!
@laurel My cat used to blow up my game SO MUCH back when she was alive–either guys were terribly allergic to her, or she'd be all in our face during the deed. One time she decided to take a massive, stinky dump while I was making out with someone. She was such a hater.
@parallel-lines always watching. and if you shut them out of the room they paw at the door the whole tiiiiiime.
@parallel-lines: Hee, that's just evil. Dogs just stare. And maybe sniff a little.
@parallel-lines
Puppies are also terrible. She just…is very nosy and thinks we're playing and gets in the worst possible places and it's so gross/hard to not laugh when all of a sudden she just appears trying to three-way make out with us. She is a perv.
@parallel-lines To be fair, I had my cat's entire reproductive apparatus surgically disrupted on purpose. also when I rescued her from her life on the street I took her away from her kitty boyfriend, who I think is still searching for her a year later but will never see her again, so no matter how hard she tries, she can never be as bad for my sex life as I was for hers.
@laurel Mine bounces up on the bed because he thinks it's wrestling time.
@Megan Patterson@facebook: That's worse than children. At least ambulatory children usually sleep in another room.
@parallel-lines Counter-example! I was having a little fling with this adorable and well-equipped and good-at-everything (EVERY. Thing.) 24-year-old (I am significantly beyond 24) and the first time he came over to my apartment (I had stayed over at his previously), we had great sex two times, then at like 2 a.m. he said that he was allergic to my cats and had to leave, and it was true, his lower lip was actually swelling up.
So I got great sex two times with a cute young thing without having to share my bed or wake up with anyone's gross sweaty arm on me [shudder]. So, cats FTW! (This was also the last time he ever came to my apartment, but that was due to my accidentally falling in love with someone else, which, PS, it didn't work out, so ladies let that be a warning to you before you abandon a perfectly good 24-year-old to attempt a relationship with a fellow that you OF ALL PEOPLE should know is too crazy with whom to attempt such.)
@nogreeneggs Oh, yes, puppies. And he thinks it's the Best. Game. Ever. And suddenly there is a cold, wet nose where you DO NOT want it.
@parallel-lines Hahaha, one of my dogs will sit outside the bedroom door and make these noises: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6aWaW95uVg
Which is better than when he and one of the others start galumphing around, and then someone gets snarky, and I have to leap out of bed in whatever state of (un)dress to make sure nobody's fighting.
@Ophelia
Um and I'm pretty sure she kind of likes the smell? Because she's taken to trying to steal my underwear and that is just not ok. Haha ick I'm sorry if that's too much sharing, but this is what I live with.
@parallel-lines Dogs are worse. Trust.
Edited to clarify: non stop barking. Or heavy breathing if he's allowed in the room.
@parallel-lines My sister has to keep her closet door closed or else her dog will chew the crotch out of her underwear.
You are not alone in your pain.
@NeverOddOrEven My best friend/college roommate would take shots every time her beagle puppy chewed up a piece of her underwear. We were drunk a LOT. Also this makes for great drunk-at-her-bachelorette-party stories.
@NeverOddOrEven Yes. I have become MUCH more diligent about putting clothing in the hamper, and especially underwear.
@parallel-lines My cat doesn't want to have anything to do with the loud scary noises my bed makes during sex, but WITHOUT FAIL she is in the room within one minute after the sexing is over, because she knows cuddles are in the offing and she wants to get all up in that.
@parallel-lines Mine likes to breathe heavily outside the bathroom sometimes. And like, he doesn't so much during sexytimes but he is right outside the door waiting when we're done.
@parallel-lines Yep, my cat sure does vomit EACH. AND. EVERY. time I bring home a new dude. On the bright side, it is a good test of dude's character.
@parallel-lines My mom's poodle shat in my dad's shoe the first time he stayed over. Apparently she was cooler than dog shit is lame and so 29 years later they're still married and let the dogs (though the poodle is long gone) sleep in the bed.
@parallel-lines Ah, these stories are so funny! We used to joke that my boyfriend's cat was a lesbian, because every time I opened my legs, she'd be up on the bed, sniffing around…
@parallel-lines I had one of my cats jump up on my back during the doggystyle, and just sit there calmly, staring at my boyfriend. Fortunately he is an excellent cat-dad and was just like, hey, go away cat, laughed, and went back to what he was doing. But then I fell over from laughing too hard at the whole thing and we had to get rearranged anyway.
as someone who is desperately trying to figure out how to re-up on recent one night stand without seeming too clingy/girly/idk, i eagerly await the 'pinners' responses to LW2
@Annyong – post 10 pm text ("what's up?") When you send it late enough, it's clear you are lookin for hookin up rather than a dinner date.
@Tuna Surprise Seconded.
@Tuna Surprise thirded. very effective.
@Tuna Surprise I will report back to 'Pin headquarters re: the effectiveness of the 'what's up?' method (I am assuming that, as with all Hairpin advice, this will only be improved with several glasses of well-iced wine?)
@Annyong Oh, yes. I can tell you that vodka also works.
@Annyong
Just be sure your wine has a label you like the look of!
@atipofthehat And oh please god make sure it's not from France
"Name the jerk in your head after him!" This is going to be my new ultimate consolation prize for having to deal with jerk-type peoples!
But I thought everyone's middle name was Marie…?
@Hambulance My sister's middle name is Marie! Mine is Ellen.
@Rosebudddd I think this is a good place for 'Pinners to tell everyone what their middle name is. Go!
@Rosebudddd mine is arcadievna. russian patronymic! so it is also my sister's middle name.
@Hambulance I don't have one. Sad face.
@Rosebudddd @plonk And mine is Madison, which is not Marie.
Even STILL, I know this to be a A Lady Fact.
@Hambulance Ditto this. I know so many people with the middle name Marie. Once my high-school English teacher did a survey in class of how many students had the middle name Marie, and my friend Philip wasn't paying attention and raised his hand out of habit once he saw everyone else (well, like 90% of the girls) raising their hand. Hee.
My middle name is of the my-mother's-maiden-name variety and pretty distinctive, so…yeah.
@Hambulance yeah even though i want to hear everyone's middle names, i don't disagree with A Lady that everyone's middle name is anne.
@Rosebudddd Laurel! Which is approx. 492834923980239x better than my first name.
@Rosebudddd Mine is Ellen too! Middle name twinsssssssss
@gimlet: You're right. It is an awesome name.
@Rosebudddd Yvonne. Named after the lady who drove my in-labor mom to the hospital.
@Rosebudddd I have TWO! (@Tates McGee, wanna share?) They are Sarah Christine, which incidentally is the name of a commenter on here, and I keep meaning to tell her.
@Rosebudddd I don't have a middle name!
@plonk mine is my mom's last name, but it is not as exciting/interesting as a Russian patronymic!
@Hambulance I know an adorable story about a little girl who only got called Emma Katherine when she was in trouble, so one day when she was mad at her father she yelled "NO, Daddy Katherine!" This is especially delightful to me because my middle name is also Katherine.
@Hambulance Antonia! Don't think I've ever met another person with my middle name.
@Hambulance Apparently everybody beat me on correcting A Lady about the prevalence of Marie. Seriously though, my friends and I once had a debate where we very scientifically proved that A) it was everyone's middle name, and B) WHY that was so. (Ok, B might be a little more theoretical.) Mine's Rosaleen though.
Mine was going to be Anne! But then my parents got too used to saying it in conjunction with my first name, so I am [Redacted]-Anne. No middle name.
@rayray Aw, that's so sweet of you to offer! I'm keeping it blank for now — that way, if/when I marry, I can switch my last name to my middle name.
@laurel Hell yeah!
@plonk did you immigrate? I'm Russian too and when I moved to the states the INS just gave me my dad's first name as a middle name. so my middle name is a Russian male name.
@gimlet That is my other sister's FIRST name!
@annepersand YAY!
@illcommunication Everyone who doesn't have a middle name should choose one right now. Maybe Anne in honor of this post? Or Marie? Or Gimlet? (I just like Gimlet's commenter name)
@pterodactgirl Hey, that's my mother's name! Incidentally, she doesn't have a middle name.
I do. And it is not Anne, or Marie. But it is nearly Anne.
@Rosebudddd Caroline! I love unique middle names (not that mine is) if I ever have children, middle names are where I get to go crazy.
@martini yup, when i was a tot. but they did get my name right! sucks that they messed yours up.
@Tates McGee @illcommunication I don't have one either! Growing up, no one believed that I didn't have a middle name and everyone was convinced I had one and it was something horrible.
@Rosebudddd Clare. No "i" because I'm roughly named after Art Garfunkel's album Angel Clare.
@Hambulance Frances.
@Rosebudddd My middle name is Annette but I HATE IT (makes me think of old ladies and that novel about the girl who pushes her neighbor off a cliff and he breaks his legs and she then feels bad about it for like 300 PAGES).
Changing it to Elizabeth.
@Hambulance Mine is Theresa. BUT…one sister's middle name is Marie and one's is Rose.
@Hambulance My middle name is Jerusha, which gets me no end of confused looks. My first name is the name I shared with three-fourths of the girls I shared classes with, from elementary to high school. (Could that sentence have been constructed any more strangely?)
@plonk Ha! Mine is Borisevna. Terrible! When Americans ask, I say it's Leah.
@pterodactgirl My mom's middle name is Marie, which is probably the only reason that my middle name isn't. My mom got pressured by the nurse to name me quickly, so somewhere between the Allman Brothers and Little House on the Prairie, I got stuck with Melissa Sue. I do not feel at all like an honorary Clampett, no sir.
@Rosebudddd My middle name is Blythe. My initials are ABC, because my parents are awesome.
@Rosebudddd Ann, without the E, or as another pinner said "boring ol' ann without the E" which cracked me up!
@Lisa Frank Boris would have been my name if I were a boy! Boris or Osep. :/
@hands_down mine is yvonne, too!!!!! I thought I was the only one (except for my grandmother, since it was her middle name first), very exciting
@Hambulance My middle name is Iris! And I love it.
@SassyAsh I feel like there are many missed acronym opportunities in names.
My friends called their kid [firstname] Danger [lastname]. Her middle name is LITERALLY Danger.
Fair few 'pinners with mother's last name as their middle name. A particular demographic, perhaps? That's what mine is, and I hate it. Also, mother issues, etc. I'm thinking about legally changing it to my confirmation name, which is Joan, after the only Saint who didn't make me want to barf.
@BuffyBot This is seriously like the only thing making me reconsider my no-kids stance: my boyfriend promised me that if we did have kids, I could name my first daughter Cecelia Supafly. YES. (I had to concede that our son would be James Bond though.)
@illcommunication Me either. My dad said my first name was quite long enough.
@Craftastrophies My oldest son has my maiden name as his middle name. It's a tradition on his side of the family for at least four generations.
"My father is looking so frail these days. He says he’s proud of me, but there’s so much he’ll never know. Can I still dirty talk her on Gchat?"
JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER IS THAT YOU?
No, but, truly. You are A [Great] Lady. I envision Alan as Alan Thicke, which really contributes buckets to his jerky image.
My middle name IS Anne!
Me too!!! "Anne is everyone’s middle name." Haha! I'm dying right now. So. Funny.
And me! And my full name has exactly the syllables and emphasis of Letter Anne Writer, which I found UNCANNY.
@schadenfraulein My middle name is Joanne. Can I still play?
@schadenfraulein Meeee too! This Lady gets me.
@schadenfraulein Me too! You know, I didn't actually realize this when I originally read The Lady's response? Wow…I'm kind of out of it, I guess…
APPLAUSE!!
if this is the same a lady that recommended throwing something at a dude as a way of flirting, i would like to announce that i intend to throw something at a dude tonight!!
I used to be LW#1, to a lesser extent. My advice? Don't be so hard on yourself (already said above, thanks A Lady!) and think of it as a continuous project. It's unlikely that you'll go from "begging like a dog" to the awesome woman you are with your next romantic experience. For me, it took several medium length relationships (6-9 months) to steer the ship toward better waters. Don't aim for perfection — the key is to keep going in the right direction. Good luck!
@Tates McGee I did that classic 'stop looking, find thing'. However, it was a rocky road to stopping looking, and I wouldn't recommend it. I think basically I lucked out. I totally get the trying to be happy with yourself first, though.
It's just that it really isn't that simple. Because part of being happy being single is being ok with being unhappy being single. Ok, that was convoluted. What I mean is, I personally LOVE being single. But sometimes it sucks a lot. I feel like learning to be ok with single times sucking a lot helps you be ok with couple times sucking sometimes, too. Just reducing the inputs so you can really learn that sometimes stuff sucks, and it's not anyone's fault, so deal with it – that can be useful. Learn not to externalise your own emotions, etc. This is my own particular thing so might not be helpful for anyone else.
Oh, and also. Speaking from my own lucking out. Not falling in love with emotionally unavailable people who are safe because of their disinterest with you but who will wring your heart out without meaning to is also very helpful. But HARD, and really brave. Give yourself credit for when you are brave, whether it ends well or not. Cos this shit ain't easy.
@Craftastrophies I wasn't advocating being single — I'd rather be in a relationship than be single. But you have to get to a place where you'd rather be single than be in an unhealthy, soul-sucking relationship. I had the problem (like LW1) where I put the guy's needs ahead of my own. I realized that I behaved differently around guys than around my friends and family, and I needed to be with someone who accepted me wholeheartedly. I totally agree with your last point — I've also been extremely lucky to meet a GOOD person who doesn't manipulate my emotional weaknesses. Though, I have to admit that for a good portion of my life, I subconciously went after people that were NOT good. So, that was a major revelation for me — that to have a healthy relationship, I should seek out healthy, undamaged people.
@Tates McGee Yes, I totally agree. I didn't mean to imply that you were advocating being single. Just that there's a lot of stuff out there that is like 'LOVE yourSELF first, GUURRRL!' Which, like, yes. Love yourself. But that's a process. There's not a checklist you can print off that will tell you you're ready to date. And as other people have mentioned, it's not a linear process.
Actually, I have to give major credit to my last fuck buddy, who was basically a practice relationship without the relationship bullshit. We weren't interested in each other romantically, and we were not exclusive, so I got to work through a bunch of stuff I was projecting, and practice communicating like a grown up, and expressing my needs without being passive aggressive, etc. Not all fuckbuddy relationships are born equal, obviously, but this one worked so well. Until it didn't, and now we're just friends.
What you said about behaving differently around guys is SO on point I cannot even. I got so TIRED of all of my personas.
@Craftastrophies *Like* times one million. Also: super impressed that you were able to make a fuck buddy situation work.
Jay Smooth's got the last word on internal critics, I think:
http://bit.ly/3HfPYf
http://bit.ly/8hFrG
First question made me think of a favorite blog I read pretty avidly last year. Raunchy Canadian Comedienne Claire Brosseau decides to take a year off men, the manbatical, records her progress, sort of dates a comic legend! I don't want to ruin the ending, but this approach may not be the best solution to man problems. Check out the blog that had the Canadian comedy world buzzing all last year: http://www.clairebrosseau.com/ … you know, if you want to, I really liked it..
@Mrs. Babers LOVE Claire Brosseau!
@Mrs. Babers: I'm currently on a not self-imposed 3 year womanbatical. Results not encouraging.
I am like LW#1 with all people, not just men. I sometimes worry that I'm embarrassing myself with how nakedly I just want to be liked. So then I don't talk to anybody at all for fear of coming on too strong? What I'm saying is, LW#1, I dig.
Mismatched underpants? Like, your bra and panties didn't match? Guuurrrllll. Does this even matter anymore, Hairpinners?! I say no! Remove that worry from your brain!
@Iliana@twitter Seriously. The answer to mismatched undies is to take them off.
@Iliana@twitter I can't imagine a world where I do my laundry frequently enough so that things match. Unless you count drugstore purchased Hanes and no bra matching.
@cat of the canals forget laundry, do people even BUY stuff that matches? I suppose I could get within the same color family, but…
@Iliana@twitter For real, sometimes both my bra and panty are black, but so are 85% of all items of clothing that I own. Even then, I wouldn't say they match, more like don't clash.
@Iliana@twitter Actually, I've been disappointed lately because I've put in the effort to wear a matching set, but my bra comes off before my pants do, so the dude NEVER SEES. Of course, he wouldn't notice anyway, because he has Vagina Vision.
@Iliana@twitter Did anyone else see that episode of House where House challenged potential employees to get Cuddy's panties? And then House figured out they weren't Cuddy's because Amber's underwear didn't match her bra (and he has x-ray bra vision), therefore Amber must have changed underwear? I was like – what world are you people even living in?
@cat of the canals I just buy nice-ish black bras and then any black underwear. The set never exactly matches, but they look close enough and anyone who actually gets to see them doesn't get to complain.
@Iliana@twitter
"Mismatched underpants? Does this even matter anymore, Hairpinners?!"
This reminds me of the bra thread about the "boner killer" beige bra. What some of you may be missing is that to your average guy, any ol' bra is much like the entrance to Disneyland is to a kid — a promise of wonderment and great things inside.
@Barry Grant Yes! I think a guy would be more concerned about getting the bra unhooked more than anything else.
@Quick Brown Fox This, yes! They don't even notice. When I make the effort with the cute lingerie, I have to point it out to my husband. And even then he just says, "nice," and moves on.
@Clare Or not wear them in the first place.
Down with p*nties!
@Iliana@twitter
Oh absolutely. Panicking about the hooks is the real source of performance anxiety.
@Barry Grant Exactly. My man-friend recently commented that the bra I was wearing was harder to get off than the one I'd been wearing the time before…and it was the same bra. As long as (in his words) he "gets to unwrap the present himself," he is absolutely not looking at what it's wrapped in.
@Bebe My bf noticed my bra one time, but it was like, after we were done, and he was like "that bra's nice".
@Megan Patterson@facebook And that is why I never buy the super expensive stuff.
@Megan Patterson@facebook Nothing fascinates my bf as much as a matching bra and underwear, except maaaybe the boobs within said bra. And he notices if they're both black but not actually matching. It's ridiculous.
@Iliana@twitter The only time guys ever comment on my underthings is in the morning, after the deed(s) have been done. And then it is something along the lines of "Here they are!" and maybe "Nice."
@Iliana@twitter Yep, pretty sure this one was on sale when I got it.
@faintly_macabre My ex used to always say that lingerie by itself kinda freaked him out – it looked nice to him when I was wearing it but when it was hanging on the drying rack he was all GET THOSE CREEPY THINGS AWAY FROM ME
@Iliana@twitter Right? Guys have only ever commented to me on underwear in two scenarios:
1) The morning after when I'm putting it back on, and they're all "nice."
2) "This is too hard to get off. Wtf."
Is Dick Flu on the 2011 flu season watch? If not, I'm going to start calling it H1N10 because that shit is guaranteed to be straight up vile. A perfect 10 shitstorm.
My middle name is Ann but I secretly wish it was Anne.
@Tropical Iceland "What differences does it make how it's spelled?"
"Print out A-n-n and it looks absolutely dreadful, but Anne with an e is quite distinguished. So if you'll only Anne with an e I'll try to reconcile myself to not being called Cordelia."
Signed, someone whose middle name is Anne.
@lesleygee oh Anne. I loved her. Didn't she meet a teacher whose name was Katherine with a K, and then the teacher changed it to Catherine just to be contrary? Or is that Laura Ingalls? Do I need to re-read all my childhood favorite books?
Katherine with a K! From "Anne of Windy Poplars." TRUTH.
@lesleygee !!!!!
@Tropical Iceland This is 100% my life. I totally lied to girls in elementary school about having the extra E.
@insouciantlover Her name is on the blackboard with a K. Anne says, "I'm so glad you spell your name with a K; a C always looks so smug."
The awful woman (who ultimately warms to Anne and wears her hair much more luxuriantly) walks over, erases the K, and rewrites it with a C. That smug bitch. Luckily it turns out she's secretly nice and just needs some Anne life lessons.
In other news, yes please re-read all your childhood books.
@lesleygee This led to a problem for me when it came time to name my barbies. On the one hand, Catherine could be shortened to "Cat," which seemed awesome to me. On the other hand, the C is so smug! I think I ended up just naming them Melody or something.
@lesleygee (I have encyclopedic knowledge of the Anne books) She doesn't erase the board; the next note that she sends to Anne is signed "Catherine."
@thebestjasmine She erases the board in the movie version, which, if you haven't seen, is exactly the way you should spend the rest of the weekend. Oh Megan Follows, you were my childhood heroine.
@Tropical Iceland Haha! My middle name is Anne. My brother middle-named his kid after me, but they spelled it Ann. I didn't have the heart to tell him this was wrong.
@thebestjasmine: And then after getting the note with the C, Anne "sneezed all the way home." Between the Pringles and Katherine Brook, it's a wonder Ms. Shirley even made it through her years in Summerside.
Favorite. Lady.
Ahhhhh the answer to LW #1 is absolutely perfect. Nail, meet Head.
Vagazzlery. Hahaha.
My inner underminer is named Regina because, like Regina George, she's evil but she's fabulous. And she has totally done car commercials in Japan.
Do we have a specific template for five instrusive questions I am going to need to be ready for pre-penis-touching? Because I like to be prepared.
I mean, I'm happy to tell you about my relationship with my parents, my 'lost years', and the things I am most embarrassed about having done in my life it's going to lead to sexytime with a lady who's company I enjoy.
But if you're going to ask me for my top-secret zombie-apocalypse survival plans, one of us better have a toothbrush at the other's apartment. SOME THINGS ARE TOO PERSONAL.
@leon.saintjean Really, you're going to want to find a lady who also has effective and well fleshed-out (hah) zombie apocalypse survival plans, so it might be good to get that discussion going earlier rather than later.
@Ophelia my plan is pretty frigging awesome. But if I start telling people, it will get diluted, and that would ruin the awesomeness.
@leon.saintjean: What if we treated you as an expert? Ask a Dude with a Pretty Frigging Awesome Top-Secret Zombie-Apocalypse Survival Plan?
@leon.saintjean I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to hear the plan. Cough it up.
@Rosebudddd I might have a binder of information that could be helpful…
@leon.saintjean Hmm. Fair. But you at least want to know if her planning skills are up to snuff, just in case you're incapacitated and can't execute your own.
@Rosebudddd Wait, are you my best friend? Because so does she. Does everyone have binders now?! Do I need a binder?
@leon.saintjean But you want to make sure that your Zombie plans are compatible! My beloved always checks out defensibility everywhere we go, while I have more of an eye to sustainability – as in, if we were barricaded in there for a month, would we have enough to eat?
It is important to have complimentary survival styles, is what I am saying.
I try to start every conversation with "It's a good thing I didn't go down on you, because…" Also, works well in job interviews. Try it! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
@kayjay seriously, everything you post. Soooooo good
Oh, A Lady. Whenever I see those mirrored wraparounds and the Misty 100, my heart skips a beat.
Lady #1, Because I am reading Plato's Republic because I like to torture myself and my students, I have been thinking about Happy this week. Also I am single and feeling maudlin. Plato (dead Euro guy with enlightened ideas about women that no one took seriously, I found out. Anyway, Plato people suggest one way of getting at happiness is eudaemonic wellbeing. That is, doing stuff that is good for society, good for others, good for your general wellbeing that help you be your best self and your best citizen self.
So anyway. In that frame, maybe it is the case that not dating men will be a way for you to achieve eudaemonic wellbeing. But you shouldn't assume that by not dating men, you will reach that kind of happiness. Put your emphasis on leading a happy life, not on avoiding doing this one thing so you become a happy person.
Also, I found turning 30+ has made the attitude you seek easier to come by. So the other option is "get older." Which doesn't help, I know.
Oh, LW#1, I was/am very like you. Here is my advice: Every encounter you have with guys where romance/sexytimes are an option, every one of these is a learning experience. You are young, and as you have more romance/sexytimes experiences upon which to reflect, you will become much more balanced.
Please note, this is a process that takes time and is not linear. I'm 31 now, and I recently got out of the single most me-begging-for-affection relationship I have ever had (and that is saying a LOT, trust). And you know what? Learning experience. I thought I was okay at not being too overly needy for affection, and now I'm even better, and have more perspective on the whole thing to boot.
You sound like an awesome person, and you're going to be fine. Keep dating, or take a hiatus from dating, or do whatever feels best at the moment, and learn from everything.
@katekari Also, what she said.
@katekari THIS. Especially the not-linear part. As in, if you make the same mistake more than once it doesn't mean you'll NEVER LEARN, so forgive yourself
LW#2: Can I tell you a secret about dudes? There is a secret thing we pretty much all like. Any dude who does not like this is a fuck-head and not worth your time.
Here it is. The Secret to Dudes.
Just tell us stuff. We're basically just humans with a few extra dangly bits between are walking-parts. So just tell us what's up.
If you say something creepy, we will probably think you're creepy. But if you say something sweet, we are going to think you are sweet.
End of secret.
@leon.saintjean STOP ENDANGERING RICH SANTOS' CAREER
@leon.saintjean: WE WILL BE HAVING NONE OF YOUR COMMON SENSE HERE
@leon.saintjean Whoa. Are you going to be kicked out of the Super Secret Dude Society for revealing one of the Big Secrets?
@leon.saintjean To be fair, she has a super-valid fear that I think all of us have: fear of rejection. If she puts herself out there, saying, "Hey, I think you are hot and awesome and I want us to have hot awesome times together." it's a risk.
She's trying to shield herself from that potential hurt. unless she is leaving something out, I can't imagine he'd be all "No, I don't care for you and I never did." But! We have no idea what he's thinking. That's why the subterfuge. I mean, you make a great point that, you know, boys /= species from another planet.
And being honest and upfront is great, and I yearn for/demand the type of relationship where I have that with a guy. However, the terrifying and rocky shores of new and unnamed relationship, aren't necessarily the best/easiest time for that. They are terrifying and rocky BECAUSE we don't feel as sure and confident in their love/interest and we don't want to be totally destroyed by something we didn't see coming.
I mean, that's why we flirt, right? To shield from rejection. Do you know how many guys I've wanted to just be like, "Hey, dude, I like you!" but that's risky! Really risky. And flirting is kinda fun! It's a way to have fun and show your interest without necessarily being as vulnerable.
I guess my advice would be to just chat 'im up however you were chatting before (phone? gchat? text? I mean, varying levels of casualness allowed by each) and stay casual and if he's still interested, he'll be encouraged enough by your just making that first step/contact that it'll flair back up again. But, I dunno? maybe not?
I have a problem. I don't know how to date/find guys to date. So the solutions I hear about dating/becoming normal/knowing what you want don't make any sense to me: "Date a bunch of people casually/short-term relationships" (how again? I literally cannot find one person) "You'll find it when you are not looking/don't care/already have it" (I know I am…and I do…and I don't. I CAN'T UNKNOW IT) or "don't date until you get straight with yo'self" (I've done that my whole life) "hang out with guys casually" (again, where the fluck are these supposed people?). WHATEVER I'm too lazy for dating. Meeting new people, going to new places in search of new people, ugh EXHAUSTING.
Anyways, how did everyone meet their significant other? Everyone has to share so I have a good sample size that is not biased. That way I can use the results calculate the most likely place to find someone and just go right there.
@Marzipan A mutual friend kept wanting to set us up, and we both said (haughtily) "I don't do blind dates." Luckily, she persevered and managed to trick us into meeting by inviting us both (and some other people) to drinks one night. And now he's my husband. So, I would say, ask your friends if they know anyone they think you would like. If you're not into blind dates (and who is?) have them set up a group thing and see what happens.
Series of parties at mutual friend's house.
@Marzipan Random encounter on a group (not church! ahhh!) retreat. I'd say jump at opportunities that put you in a situation where you know there will be at least 10 people you've never met before, where there will be at least two hours of cushion time before anyone starts drinking and embarrassing themselves. Even if these situations sound like they will be terrible.
Not only did I meet my husband that weekend, but I also met three other people I'm still good friends with to this day. And I don't even like people!
@Marzipan OK, here's my love story. I met my husband when I was 17 and he wouldn't talk to me because I was underage and he had bad memories of being harassed by a different underaged girl's irate father in the not-too-distant past… so I thought he was a snob and a jerk. Cut to one year and some months later and we met again at a party and since I was now 18 and legal, he deigned to speak to me. And I still thought he was a jerk. But then we took some hallucinogens together and wound up naked, and now it's 22 years later (oh, I seem to have just outed myself as an OLD) and we're still married. So. Hope that was helpful.
@Marzipan Right now am single, but people I liked a lot and have smooched (and still like, even if we don't talk and I don't think of much but are cool):
A university society (I don't care for SF, but Sci Fi kids are nice)
Worked together at the university writing center.
Danced the first every-one-dances dance at a friend's wedding.
The internet.
Also have been asked out by/went on a date but no more with/other options:
Macked on the nice counter girl at a store. I am mostly straight and she was mostly a baaaaaaaby, so that was a no go, but I want to set her up with the other counter girl who macked on me because that would super cute, like the musical She Loves Me/Shop Around the Corner.
Discussing politics with a dude who was running for office in my anti-party, but he seemed nice.
Asked to drop by the church by minister who preaches in an interesting ethnic language for the cultural experience.
Less than "stop paying attention/ just be yourself/ whatever" I think the thing is, just be open. Because… interesting language preacher? Who knew?
@AnthroK8 I mean… macked on BY. And Don't think of often, but still like in principle… jeez. Anyone would think I teach freshman writing.
@Marzipan Party at a mutual friend's house – IMO the BEST place to meet someone – the vetting has been taken care of by the mutual awesome friends! Go to parties! Be friendly and a bit of a flirt! Go get 'em!
@Marzipan: This is way late, but maybe throw a party, maybe with another friend with whom your social circle doesn't overlap entirely? Make it known that it's the kind of party that people can bring a friend or two to. Invite people you think are cool but don't know very well.
This has several benefits: you become known as the awesome girl who throws parties; you might meet someone at the party while tricked out in party finery, thereby making a good first impression; alcohol, everyone's favorite social lubricant, is sanctioned at parties, unlike at, oh, the library; introducing yourself to people you don't know is your sacred duty as a hostess, making it easier to stick your hand out first; if you feel awkward approaching people you don't know, "Can I get you a drink?" is usually a welcome conversation starter; and you will be busy and can extricate yourself easily from awkward conversations with an "Oh, I must refresh the baby carrots/pink panty dropper punch/Qreamslides…"
I'm sure there are other social benefits to throwing parties. Fun (hopefully)? Leftover liquor and baked goods (no, probably not)? Reciprocal invitations to other parties (almost certainly)?
@Marzipan met at the bar through a group of friends i was going out with; she was hitting on my flirty-but-in-a-relationship-so-kind-of-a-juicebox friend who led her on for weeks, i was busy being interested in the least communicative manic pixie dream girl in the world (turns out she was just a bore? anyway she hooked up with my other friend from that group 2 weeks after i started dating my now wife. toxic group, really, glad they don't come out to the bar anymore).
i hosted pre-parties, she showed up early and always had a good time, one night we got drunk and the week after i slept over at her place. the whole thing sneaked up on the both of us, though se saw it coming first. the magic ingredient is that we are pretty much the most homogamous (look it up) couple EVER.
tl;dr hook up with people at the bar who like dancing to indie pop just like you do. if you don't like indie pop, well, suck for you, i got nothing.
@Marzipan At work. I know, major no-no, but just this one special time for meeee a serious YESyesyes. We're getting married in 2 weeks.
@Marzipan I went to an improv comedy show on campus when I was a senior in college. Afterward, I walked up to one of the performers and said, "Hi! I think you're really cute. OK, bye!" and walked away. Didn't introduce myself, nothing. A few weeks later he spotted me in a campus building and came over and introduced himself and we ended up dating for a while until I think I may have devirginized him? and then he thought I was deeply in love with him when he wasn't in love with me so he broke up with me (I totally wasn't in love with him, dude, just because I take care of your flu-stricken ass and call you to say Merry Christmas doesn't mean I love you, it just means you're my FRIEND.) but thanks to him visiting my campus newspaper job to talk to me about our Halloween costumes and getting involved in a conversation with my co-worker, I realized how absolutely awesome my co-worker was and co-worker and I fell in love 8 years ago and it is awesome.
so yes. randomly hit on boys then walk away.
@Marzipan working on a the same volunteer project together
I kind of feel like it's very hairpin to do this kind of advice where it's super chaotic and equal parts funny, long tangent~y, and then a small portion is the actual advice. I kind of prefer the more thoughtful, serious A Ladys, but that's just me. For instance, lw2 please don't tell the guy you slept with who's now not calling that you might have given him penis influenza. Instead, continue to be light hearted about it, and wait for him to call, and if he doesn't – you're still having an awesome life/the earth its still revolving around the sun and it sounds like he wasn't the best lay anyway.
@roughe This Lady always irks me for the reasons you just described. For every hilarious/insightful line (and oh, there are many in this entry) we get like 15 sentences of barely readable stream-of-consciousness nonsense. Everyone read this article and stop committing these sins!
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/another-thing-to-sort-of-pin-on-david-foster-wallace.html
But seriously, I'm going to start saying, "You can’t catch happy, even in India, and you can’t hide from sad" and pretending it's an old proverb from my dead British grandmother.
@roughe: Why should she wait for him to call?
@KatieWK I read that article a few weeks ago, and it has ruined most of the Internet for me. That writing style always irritated me, now it drives me insane.
@KatieWK, aaaaa RE: INTERNET WRITING SINS, my least favorite are the people who, um, uptalk? On the internet? Even though it would actually require them to exert less effort to, like, NOT carefully transcript all of their most annoying superfluous verbal tics in their writing?
@theinvisiblecunt "transcribe." delete delete delete this entire post five minutes is not long enough to accommodate my sloppiness and regret
@theinvisiblecunt I have to admit, my best friend and I uptalk like motherfuckers on gchat every other day. But that's how we keep our friendship going without the intimacy and geniality afforded by hanging out in person. What I don't understand is when it became acceptable to publish things in the same tone you would use to toss off tipsy emails to your friends.
@KatieWK, oh cool, I chose the one thing to complain about that makes me seem like a total asshole :L
@laurel because she's a woman, hello, and that's what ladies do. No. because if I was in her shoes and believed I had behaved really awkwardly the first time we slept together I would want to chill out and quit being the one making the moves
@theinvisiblecunt Nah, you don't seem like a jerk. I agree with you. I consider it annoying and unprofessional, which is why I only do it privately with my friends, who already know me at my most annoying and unprofessional.
I've decided to call the jerk in my head Fat Eddy. FUCK YOU Fat Eddy.
@Sarah Boden@facebook I'm naming mine Phil because I think I'm incapable of fearing someone named Phil. Shut up, Phil! No one asked you!
@Sarah Boden@facebook HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is my favorite comment on this thread. I'm dying.
the only name I can think of for my inner voice is "Ms. Cleo"
@franzia Call Ms. Cleo now…shut UP, Ms. Cleo!
Oh my stars, the 6 or 9 thing really is legit. Tacos tacos I love this.
So, first time poster. This whole thing is cracking me up – the article, the comments! Thanks for the laugh! And thanks for tagging Dick Flu to the article. LMAO!!
this is weird of me but i can't help it. i think this A Lady is Lindsay, formerly of Videogum. I say this because she's hilarious and her writing reminds me of her and I have to share every thought that pops into my head.
@vvv I love love love Lindsay from Videogum and miss her so much over there. I haven't picked up on this, but if you are correct, I am delighted.
OMGGGG, CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST!!! Can we talk about how I BOUGHT this movie without knowing anything about it and then watched the whole thing in horror with my jaw dropped the entire time? And then I told people about it and tried to get them to watch it too, but no one would because (spoiler alert!) a woman is impaled/raped with mud and a REAL LIVING monkey gets his faced chopped off? I need others to watch this and feel my feelings.
@lil.orphan.shannie I HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THESE THINGS IN THIS MOVIE FOR YEARS AND AM THUS NEVER WATCHING IT EVER. At one point my ex and his bff watched it because they like watching bad movies but were so thoroughly offended by how terrible it was that they set the DVD on fire.
The flu shot for dick flu would probably suck A LOT.
@FoxyRoxy
Though the kissing it better would be awesome.
@steve Oh hells yeah. I'd dress up in a nurse's costume and everything.
I love how Letter Anne Writer gives every minute detail as if she's talking to an attorney and any shred of evidence might offer that Fateful Clue. Not that I haven't done the same thing myself 8 million times. I guess I'm just happy it's someone else doing it.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
Makes me think of this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cQOvYPmyU8
(Hey Boy by The Blow – this link is a cute stopmotion video someone made for it)
@illcommunication oh also this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqYhuwu614Y&ob=av2e
(A cause des garçons by Yelle)
@illcommunication I'm outing myself as a huge old-person news show fan, but THIS.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CBKYn_Pg7E
Dick flu? Pshaw. Let me tell you the tale of a lady who had some sexytimes with her hot neighbour and subsequently thought that he'd given her an STD. After a trip to the doctor, she discovered that he had just given her strep throat. In the vagina. STREP VAGINA. True story.
@Irma Vep OH MY GODDDDD.
@ellbeejay I know, right? Even the doctor was like "…Uh……." Luckily, finding out you have Strep Vagina is a lot more hilarious than finding out you have herpes.
@Irma Vep What does this entail exactly? Your vagina can't talk for a few weeks or go to school because it's so contagious?
@Irma Vep My ex-husband and his first girlfriend religiously engaged in "everything but", which led to him contracting a yeast infection. In his throat. ACKACKACKACKACK!
My mother’s first name is Anne and her middle name is Marie. Her sister’s middle name is Marie. Her sister’s daughter’s middle name – Marie. My middle name is…wait for it …Marie. Sure, we’re non-practicing Irish Catholics, but I’m embarrassed by the lack of creativity… @Tates McGee – perhaps it is better to never have had a middle name at all?
Cannibal Holocaust reference for the win.
I know this has been said a hundred times already but this is, by far, my favorite A Lady.
Try to remember all the times a guy didn't call you back when everything went (apparently) well. If everything went wrong and he doesn't call, isn't it kind of a relief? I decided long ago to take stuff at face value when it comes to men. Everything goes wrong, he doesn't call, no surprises there! Next!
Plus, if it were meant to be, nothing would stop him from calling. Dick flu or no dick flu.
I am so glad I'm not the only Young Lady to own tattered, blood stained underwear. <3
@nomorecheese YOU ARE NOT. And I'm not that young. You have to have period underwear so you don't ruin the good ones if you have a period-accident! There's a rotation:
1. Brand New, AKA Date Underwear
2. Slightly Worn, AKA Everyday Underwear
3. Tattered & Stained, AKA Period Underwear
4. Falling Apart, Stretched Out, Totally Embarassing, AKA OMG I NEED TO DO LAUNDRY LIKE A WEEK AGO Underwear
I would say don't touch a dude's penis until you have made a point of asking him five involved, intrusive questions.
Good advice, but I just can't do it. I always ask them after. Not necessarily immediately after, mind you, but I'm a "bang first, ask questions later" kind of lady. The sex makes it easier for me to get to know a person, whereas with lots of people it's the other way around.
@jen325 You know, I think this is on-point which is, everyone has their own style, and their own things they need. Learn yours.
@thebestjasmine: And then after getting the note with the C, Anne "sneezed all the way home." Between the Pringles and Katherine Brook, it's a wonder Ms. Shirley even made it through her years in Summerside.
@thebestjasmine: And then after getting the note with the C, Anne "sneezed all the way home." Between the Pringles and Katherine Brook, it's a wonder Ms. Shirley even made it through her years in Summerside.
Weird, I thought everyone's middle name was Marie.
I love this A Lady. A lot.
re:cold medicine and failed hook-up. I have no scientific proof of this, but seeing as loading up on cold meds dries up a runny nose, I'm thinking maybe it could dry your lady parts up, too.