Four Good Reasons to Donate Your Eggs & a Couple Dozen Reasons Not To
1) You’re not using them. A few people freaked out when I told them I was doing this and got really sad for me and said, “But why are you giving away all your eggs?!” It’s actually not quite that dire.
As I understand it, you’re born with all the eggs you’ll ever have hanging out in approximately one million immature follicles in your ovaries. During childhood, about half of these follicles are absorbed back into your body. It’s just what follicles do. When you start going through normal menstrual cycles, every month 10 to 20 follicles surface and start to think about getting going with their lives. But each month, only one or two receive the burst of estrogen it takes to mature their eggs into entering the cold empty jobless world of the uterus, where they’ll eventually give up on their careers, develop an unhealthy relationship with Mr. Tampon, and have a cold, damp honeymoon on the shores of the Toilet Sea. The rest of the follicles take the path of least resistance and get re-absorbed into the body. I’m not here to judge.
But when you stimulate your follicles with the hormones used in In Vitro Fertilization, ALL of those 10 to 20 follicles mature into eggs that month, which are then harvested or, in egg donor vernacular, "retrieved" (the language of egg donation doesn't really stand up to scrutiny). Either way, that month the same number of follicles are available, and the same number of follicles will disappear into the body, never to return. You can pump them full of IVF hormones, or you can let them reabsorb, but either way it will not change the number of follicles you will have left in the months and years after that. So why not go on a magical hormone adventure this month? After all…
2) It pays pretty damn well. Well, “pays” isn’t what you’re supposed to call it. The term here is “compensated,” because legally, in America, humans are not allowed to pay other humans for body parts or fluids. But however you like your legalese, the point is, it’s not easy to donate your eggs, and you definitely earn that money. Here’s a brief rundown of the process:
a) Check that you’re under 33. You CAN donate privately up through age 35, but it’s less likely that you’ll pass screening.
b) Send in some pictures and apply at some agencies. Tell faceless strangers every darkest detail about yourself and your family’s health history. Risk getting rejected if you’ve ever been paid for sex, or injected illegal drugs, or taken anti-depressants, or had more than two male sex partners in the last six months.
c) Undergo a battery of tests involving your veins, vagina, genes, and brain. Are you acceptable for reproduction, or merely human? Are you sure you want to know?
d) Wait for a family to decide you’re a “good match.” This can take from a week to six months, so if you owe money to the mob, you might want to apply at Starbucks while you’re waiting. The family will sign a contract with you releasing you of legal responsibility for any child that’s conceived, guaranteeing anonymity, and outlining the terms of your payment. Be aware that the law could change in the future regarding your right to anonymity.
e) Kick your old birth control habits. Say goodbye to your friendly old hormonal IUD, if you have one.
f) When the process starts, you’ll switch to their birth control pills. You can ask for low-dose, by the way, and I wish I had because remember the fun of starting new birth control hormones? YOU DON’T?? HOW COULD YOU FORGET when YOU KNEW how important it was to me? You don’t love me and I don’t believe you ever did.
g) Prepare to stop bathing in sperm the way you like to do. For your sake, I hope your boyfriend (if you have one) doesn’t pick this moment to get all proprietary about your eggs, vagina, or the $$ looming on the horizon. Weird stuff.
h) Spend 10 (or so) days giving yourself one to three shots a day in your belly and thigh fat. They don’t hurt very much, but it can be nerve-wracking as hell.
i) Swell like Violet Beauregard. (Most people don’t actually retain any weight, though. It’s just bloat.)
j) Get big boobs/more attention from dudes you can’t/don’t want to touch.
k) Be home by injection time every night. Get up early for blood draws and ultrasounds at the hospital almost every morning.
l) Avoid imagining your normally olive-sized ovaries swelling up to the size of upsetting oranges.
m) Don’t exercise or dance or even walk very fast, because your upsetting oranges will begin to knock into other things in your abdomen and complain loudly. They can also end up twisting around in what’s called “ovarian torsion,” cutting themselves off in a way I’m told is similar to one long endless kick in the balls, and potentially resulting in infertility or death. It’s very rare, but when you start to feel your ovaries bouncing around inside you with every step (and you will), you’ll take it seriously.
n) Take no medications or supplements other than Tylenol. And as long as you’re not exercising, dancing, or having sex, might as well throw in: no drinking, either. Hope you have a good Netflix queue!
o) For the last day or two, experience the peculiar (possibly totally in-your-own-head) sensation of having an abdomen full of live goldfish.
p) Go under general sedation for a relatively easy surgery. You’ll go to sleep and walk out just fine afterwards — it’s not like anesthesia. You won’t even need more than a “light day” pad. But still, are you scared of/turned on by operating rooms?
q) Not feel like doing much but sleeping and holding still for the first two days after surgery.
r) Discover why you wanted to sleep and hold still when you try to get back to doing things. By the end of the day each day you’ll be swollen and sore from your huge ovaries knocking around inside you. You’ll be gassy and raising a bitchin’ campaign of PMS. You may find yourself eating a lot of junk food. (I think I ate my first Cinnabon since reaching the age of majority. I’m ashamed.) You still won’t want to walk very fast. You still can’t have sex until you get your next period, partly because you could still be excessively fertile, partly because you don’t want to introduce anything potentially infectious into your compromised reproductive system, and partly because you could still end up with ovarian torsion if things got particularly exciting.
s) Worry about the one inconclusive study that correlates fertility drugs with higher incidence of ovarian cancer.
t) Wait about 10 or 11 days to get your period, in which time your ovaries will stay huge and swollen. Watch your period explode out of you with the force of a thousand champagne corks. Hooray! You feel much better now. Go pay off your credit cards. Get laid.
3) All that said, it might not sound worth the $8-10K they offer in those oddly creepy ads sandwiched between “fantasy wrestling” and “topless body rub” on Craigslist. And it probably wouldn’t be, unless you understand what it’s like to be a woman trying for financial solvency AND a good partner in a very ambitious city. If you relate to that, you could be watching your fertile years fade away too. Maybe you’d want to adopt, maybe not. But if you could imagine wanting to use a donor egg, you can hopefully imagine wanting to use a donor egg from somebody like yourself.
My point here is a rough one, but sincere: Not everyone thinks the whole egg donation thing is a reasonable option. Some people think if you can adopt and choose to do IVF instead, you’re just self-indulgent and selfish. Some people think IVF is only for over-privileged, spoiled celebrities breaking the will of God and Nature and exploiting poor younger women’s bodies in pursuit of “designer babies.” Some of your friends think that. Your religious leader of choice might think that. You might find yourself thinking that. So if your only reason to do this is the money, you genuinely might be better off clicking back to the “fantasy wrestling” ad.
BUT, if you’ve ever known a woman who’s tried her best and failed again and again to get pregnant with her own eggs, you may know about the desperation, humiliation, and sense of loss. And if, in your own mind, a woman like that is worth helping in this way — by donating your eggs — then don’t let anyone talk you out of it.
It could be you.
4) In short, it’s a kindness. And you’ll be adequately but not unreasonably compensated for that kindness. And if you wanted to, you could use that money to freeze your own eggs in security against the situation we’re talking about. (However, since we’re talking about it, as of 2005 only 300 “ice-babies” had been delivered worldwide. Long term results are not clear. There’s only a 34% chance your eggs will produce viable embryos. And this guy with a mustache thinks freezing your eggs might be a bit of a con. Still.)
Just watch out for the Cinnabons.
Anonymous Donor is 28 and lives in New York.
Photo by Nixx Photography via Shutterstock
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thank you for sharing this.
@CrescentMelissa Yeah, agreed, this was a fascinating read. I totally agree that it's a service, and in addition to the women, it's a service to gay male couples who want to conceive as well. Great post.
WOW. I feel myself to be fairly well-informed on lady part issues (and accompanying theories) in all their magical complexity, but this took me to some NEXT LEVEL STUFF. Thank you!
I've honestly considered doing this but I'm too insecure about being "picked" by a couple.
@QuiteAimable It sounds like you may have a pretty thin shell, but let me try to help you through this period. You have to find a sunny side to the whole thing. I know it's hard but you just have to get some juevos. Just think about it for a while and let the idea incubate. You can't let this situation crack you, Amiable. Just sit on this problem until it fertilizes it's own solution. I bet you'll hatch a plan and get it over easy.
@saythatscool Every time I start to think through the pros and cons, I just get so scrambled. The whole situation totally devils me.
Many years ago, I went through the first few stages of the screening process to donate my eggs. But I'm short and didn't go to an impressive college, so I figured no one would want my dumb, ugly genes. But earlier this year, I got a call from the agency saying they had a couple I was a really good match with–my mom's family is Bulgarian, and I have red hair from my dad's side, and this couple was totally looking for a red headed Bulgarian (or Romanian) who was 5'3" – 5'6" and had an educational background in science! That's me!
I really seriously considered it, for a week, but decided against it. I'm almost 30–older than I was when I originally signed up–and want to have kids myself pretty soon. Suddenly, babies aren't just this vague, nebulous concept of something that might exist for me, but a real, concrete goal. I didn't think I could deal with emotional aspect of it (plus, having had two unwanted pregnancies and abortions when I was younger, I have a pretty f'ed relationship with my fertility, and think that donating my eggs would just add to it). I did feel bad about saying no (and asking to me removed from the agency's list), especially since I felt like I knew something about this family, and woman, who I might have donated to. But I think it was the right decision.
as soon as you got to "10 days giving yourself one to three shots a day" I just about passed out. and now I want to cry. aaaaaaahhhhhh think about kittens, don't think about needles …
needles needles needles needles
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
@elysian fields
Quick, think about knitting needles! The blunt kind! You're knitting soft little kittens out of mohair. Soft, quiet, knitted kittens.
@atipofthehat That image is so soothing, and so disturbing, and yet still soothing. Knitted kittens will probably come to life at midnight and eat you for breakfast.
@elysian fields
But so softly!
Very interesting read. A dear friend of mine in her early 40s went through the process of getting an egg donor and is now pregnant and due in the spring. Thank you for sharing your story and being willing to give so much of yourself.
My roommate was researching egg donation for a paper, then swiveled her chair, looked at me contemplatively and said, "You know, my eggs would be worth more than yours." So no one wants my lame eggs, but my god, the $$.
@itsasatchel Is your roommate always so bitchy?
@Clare Always in an innocent way that seems as if she's discovering the world. "Wow, my hair is much thicker than yours! I mean, the strands are fine, but I have more of it. Huh!" HUH.
Do you have to claim the $8-10k as income? A friend is wondering.
@julia You get a 1099 form at the end of the year, so depending on how much you make you should hold 15% of it in a savings account and plan on owing the government when you file taxes. If you end up not owing based on other items on your return, awesome, if you do you're not scrambling to get that money together. When I was a poor student and that made up most of my income, I owed $1,200, when I had graduated and did it again I ended up not owing it because I could take a tuition deduction that got me a refund instead.
Servicey and informative!
I once had a fleeting thought about donating eggs, but when I looked into it I realized that nobody would want mine. (Currently age 31, family and personal history of depression, missing half my family medical history since one parent was adopted, braces as a teen and glasses now.)
Then, even though I wasn't really serious about it, I got kind of sad that I wouldn't make the cut.
A friend's sister did do egg donation successfully though. She was 19 or 20 at the time, athletic, outdoorsy, a straight A student, and gorgeous. Her eggs were claimed by a couple, one half of which was a woman who looked more like her than her own sister does. She said the physical effects were annoying, but the compensation was nice, and she received (via the agency or clinic or whatever) a letter from the family expressing thanks – so that was gratifying.
@Flackette I've also considered it at times when money was really short, but also because of depression no one will want my eggs. Which sometimes makes me wonder if I even want my eggs if they're that crappy?
@Flackette Yeah, I've considered it too. But I'm fat so everyone would assume "bad health" and not want me.
hey ladies–frequent hairpin reader here, first-time commenter. i'm a 35-year-old lawyer. didn't meet my sweet hubs till pretty late in life, fertility-wise. turns out i have raging endometriosis (all those years of HORRIBLE periods and no one thought of this??) and can't get pregnant the old-fashioned way. also turns out i can't get pregnant the high-tech way–i just failed my third IVF cycle on thursday.
anyway, i'm one of those people who is used to working hard to get where she wants. i worked hard at school, i worked hard at being a lawyer, i dated a ton of duds and semi-duds and eventually found my match. it's really hard to see babies all around you and realize that most people don't have to work at all to get knocked up.
so i'm here feeling sad, but being a proactive gal, i've been looking through the egg donor registry at my fertility clinic. so it's super cool to see a post here about egg donation. i realize it's creepy, and potential donors must wonder who's out there looking for genetic material. all i can say is i'm glad anonymous donor wrote this article, and i hope people will read it and consider the situation. egg donation is 2-3 weeks of discomfort–i know, because i had to go through the same process THREE TIMES for each of my IVF cycles. it's not super fun. but it's doable.
and from this end of things, i'm just looking for a kind, smart gal who might help me start that family. i'm looking at adoption too, but all this stuff is uncertain and SO EXPENSIVE and you've got to cast a wide net. i'd really like to be a parent someday.
wishing you all the best on your journeys.
@llama23 It's nice to hear the other side of the story, too! Good luck to you and your hubs!
@llama23 Really great to hear your side.
@llama23 I wish you all the luck in the world! This planet needs more Hairpin babies.
@llama23 Thank you so much for commenting, and I second @Vera Knoop.
@llama23 Thank you for commenting. I went through two failed IVF cycles this year and I want to give you a big hug. I wish you all the luck in the world. You will be a parent some day.
@llama23 Please add my thanks to the growing list for your comment. I have a wonderful friend who was in that same situation and is now finally pregnant(!!!!) after having switched clinics. Maybe the same might work for you? In any case, TONS OF LUCK to you!
@llama23 Thanks for sharing to you and Anonymous Donor. I'm at the stage where I'm a girl working hard to find someone lovely to be with – it's always really reassuring to hear of other overachievers who found it difficult to watch how some people just seem to waltz through life, and know that there's some things hard work won't always bring on schedule.
@llama23 I've been in a similar position, and if I can give you any advice it is to be done with the infertility business before you actually start the adoption process. It's just too difficult to put your hopes in two baskets/two directions. Grieve for the first, and then focus on the second.
Hairpin / Anonymous Donor, thank you for this article.
I really appreciate articles like this one, Jane's colposcopy article and the Ask An Abortion Provider article. I knew absolutely nothing about any of these issues before reading these posts, and I really appreciate having the issues explained using understandable technology and a warm tone. This is really an exceptional thing that you are doing.
@wee_ramekin Yeah, this is exactly the kind of lady business that I only see on here. YAY HAIRPIN.
@wee_ramekin
I've been meaning to tell you — inspired by your handle, I acquired some lovely wee ramekins. I feed my baby from them every day, and I always refer to them as "wee ramekins," which people, including my little girl, find very funny — though they don't quite know why.
@atipofthehat Tip, my smile muscles are working so hard right now they're hurting. That's one of the sweetest things I've heard all month (…year?).
As a former egg donor (2 cycles!) this is perfect. I'm going to bookmark it for when people ask me about it.
I will say that it's rough, but it's only a month of your life, and you make a decent chunk of change. I often think about cycle 3, but I'm not in college anymore so I don't know if I have the time/ability to deal with that influx of hormones again (and once I get my IUD I think that'll be the end of those thoughts)… I can't say if I recommend it or not, but if this doesn't sound so bad to you, then chances are it won't be too bad.
It is a little creepy though… My baby picture showed a blonde haired, green eyed kid who grew up to be 5'8 and smart and I got picked immediately. I know other people who aren't so generic looking didn't get picked that quick.
That and the separate waiting rooms for donors and recipients where you were quickly ushered out of their sights felt a little Handsmaid's Tale-ish but overall it paid rent/tuition for two semesters at my state school. So it was worth it to me.
I'm a 31 year old woman married to a 30 year old woman. My partner really wants to carry one of my eggs (there are various medical and legal reasons that this makes sense to us). So everything but the getting paid bit is very, very real to me right now. We're saving up, and it won't be for a couple of years.
In terms of egg-freezing, my instinct is that frozen eggs from 31-year-old me would NOT be more viable than fresh ones from 33 or 34-year-old me. It's kind of an unscientific hunch more than a well-researched prediction, though.
@Vera Knoop
Sounds like you have a wonderful plan!
@Vera Knoop Actually, if you can scrape together the cash, it might be a very good idea to freeze your eggs now rather than at 33 or 34. Your eggs get old along with the rest of you. Women tend to have more chromosomal anomalies in their children the later in life they have them (for instance, Down Syndrome), and if I understand correctly part of that is because the eggs you have left begin to essentially break down along with the rest of your body (fine lines and grey hairs in the DNA?) You want your eggs as young and shiny as possible. Weird (and scary) but true.
@eccles, so that's not exactly accurate. It's not that babies born to women later in life have more chromosomal anomalies because the eggs go bonkers. It's that younger bodies are more intolerant of "atypical" cell clusters and fetuses, etc. So their bodies are going to reject more potential pregnancies whereas older women's bodies will allow them to carry a trisomy to term more frequently. Still, 80% of children with trisomy 21 are born to women under age 35. (And I love them all, but that is not relevant to this conversation!)
@vera knoop, sounds like you're on a roll! I love thinking about generations of hairpinners.
@RueMcClanaHamSandwich Wow, thanks for explaining that. It sounds like I'm completely wrong then. There's no problem at all with older eggs, in that case? It's just harder to get them?
@eccles Oh gosh no, I wouldn't say you're completely wrong. Eggs do age, for sure. But they don't age at 34 or whatever- they age relative to whenever you're going to go through menopause (which isn't fair because some ladies go through menopause way earlier than others- stupid science. FIX IT.) I guess the complications of "advanced maternal age," which is tied with "moist and tasty" as my least favorite phrases, are kind of multi-factorial in nature. Our bodies get tired of fighting crap off and get more hospitable to less-than-perfect babies, our eggs get stubborn, and plus, SOCIETY, am I right? Sheesh!
@RueMcClanaHamSandwich Ahaaaa… okay, but I'm still wondering if an aging egg is more likely to have, I don't know… 'degraded'/problem-prone DNA? Or is it RNA in an egg? Oh high school biology, you are so pathetically far away from me.
@eccles, gotcha. Sorry. So yes, the mitchondria within the egg start to poop out, the structural integrity of the chromosomes start to weaken, and chromosomal anomalies can occur at that point. So you are right- changes do occur with the DNA, but there are also changes with the "package" carrying the DNA, if that makes sense.
@RueMcClanaHamSandwich Total sense. Thanks for clearing this up for me. We need an Ask a Biologist around the Hairpin, I feel.
@eccles It was my pleasure. Nobody wants to talk about this at happy hour so it's nice to have an outlet.
@eccles I'm aware of the age considerations, but what I'm not certain of (and have read conflicting reports about) is whether that advantage would be offset by the freezing process. The commenter above with the best name EVER might know, though!
@Vera Knoop This particular area isn't my expertise (the freezing bit) but what I do know is (and you probably know this too since you've been researching) freezing isn't easy on our eggs, since they're essentially waterbags with genetic material crammed inside. A lot of them don't make it out of the freezing process so sometimes you're paying all this money to freeze eggs that don't pan out. However, they (the egg-freezing they) are doing this slow-freezing method now that is showing more success, though the data isn't there to show long term outcome validity, but the initial results really are encouraging. If you have access to PubMed (which I think a lot of libraries do) there is an article came out this month talking about egg freezing and the first author is Cobo, and the title is Oocyte cryopreservation for donor egg banking. If you don't have access and you're interested, I can email it to you.
@RueMcClanaHamSandwich Thank you! I will check tomorrow, since I work at a university, and if I can't find it, I will take you up on that kind offer.
Woah woah woah…you can get IVF with your OWN eggs, right? Because I was an IVF baby and….
@antarcticastartshere Yes, and that's far more common.
@antarcticastartshere
Yes, you can.
@Vera Knoop Good to know! I would donate my eggs if not for my now-confirmed family history of mental illness and substance abuse.
@antarcticastartshere
If you don't have a family history of eugenics, go for it!
Man, IF ONLY I could donate my eggs. Lord knows I'm not going to be doing anything with them. Plus my sister has been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years now.
Alas, no one wants the eggs of a woman with family history if Depression, Parkinson's and Pulmonary Hypertension.
@NeverOddOrEven On the upside though, the world of Medicine totally wants mine (and your!) body. I just sent in the Bequest form to the University of Minnesota.
Read Stiff by Mary Roach and then do it too! I highly recommend both.
@NeverOddOrEven I love Mary Roach!
@NeverOddOrEven I've had a lot of trouble getting pregnant. After a second failed IVF cycle my sister offered to donate. I can't tell you how much that has meant to me. We also have a terrible family medical history but we share that risk. I don't know if that's something you or your sister would ever consider in the future, if she needs it, but food for thought.
@NeverOddOrEven Unfortunately, although I think we'd both be down for that I actually have Pulmonary Hypertension (It's WAY worse than it sounds. Read up on it and stay vigilant for symptoms!) and if the disease itself doesn't make me uneligible, the 5 medications I'm taking for it surely will. Sad Face.
@Ophelia RIGHT?! Every one of her books is a slam dunk. Packing For Mars was really interesting. Space pooping! Who knew it was so fascinating?
@NeverOddOrEven I'm sorry to hear that. I just read up on it and it sounds terrible.
@hal I'm actually doing VERY well a year and a half post-diagnosis, but it definitely can be terrible.
In a really round about way I actually feel greatful to be able to raise awareness of it though. I had to fight really hard to get my symptoms taken seriously. They're so easily ignored or misdiagnosed that it's all too easy to die before (or soon after) you know what was wrong.
And, of course, ladies are more likely to get it so KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
@NeverOddOrEven Or space vomiting! I was rambling about otoliths to anyone who would listen for /days/!
@D.@twitter Were you as flabbergasted as I was that some people just don't get motion sickness? The bastards!
1) Obviously, add "fat" to the list of factors that would prohibit you from donating your eggs. There are actually a ton more rejection factors than the ones listed above (of course my friends and I have NEVER looked into this. Nope, never.)
2) There is not much mention of being freaked out about the idea that someone with your genetic material could be running around without your knowledge, which seems like the worst part, to me?
@cherrispryte One of the donation agencies my roommate was looking at asks you to write a note to "your" baby. I don't think they…send them, it's probably like the writing portion of the LSAT.
@cherrispryte I looked up criteria from several egg-donating companies, and all of them required a BMI of 30 or lower. I'd love to donate my eggs, but they don't want them because I'm fat. It's stupid.
@cherrispryte I'm also surprised no one else has mentioned your point number 2. I feel like every time I saw a tall brown-haired kid around the right age I'd wonder.
@cherrispryte Your #2 is interesting, I had a discussion with a male friend about that who was saying that he would have no issues about this, and would happily give sperm to any lady friend who need/wanted it (gay friend, so this was purely a pregnancy thing). It would be hard for me, but I think some people can easily divorce themselves from the biological element.
@cherrispryte I am WAY freaked out by the possibility of my genetic material running around, and that stops me from doing it more than any of the having to give yourself shots or gaining weight or the rest of it does. My mom is adopted, and I already spend too much time thinking about if I have aunts and uncles or half-aunts (?) or something I don't know about.
@cherrispryte My uncle passed from AIDS when I was in high school, and not sure who is familiar with what a decline and passing from AIDS looks like, but it is brutal. You would think me being in high school, or shortly after when I went away to college, would prompt a conversation about condoms being necessary or in general any kind of sex talk regarding disease transmission. I got a conversation of "please don't donate your eggs, I don't want my grandchild out there without us knowing". Really!?!
@cherrispryte
I actually kinda think the idea of getting to see what some random kid of mine would look like, without having to do the work of pregnancy/childbirth would be somewhat awesome.
But its probably totally anonymous so…I guess that wouldn't be an option?
Also, if you go back just 5 generations, we have like 32 great, great,great grandparents so, meh, we're like, all related anyway?I'm very scientific, obviously.
I guess I feel no real ownership over my DNA is what I'm sayin.
Wow this was really really interesting. I seriously considered doing this while I was still in college, but was too nervous about the hormones/afraid no one would want my eggs to go through with it. I probably wouldn't be able to do it now (doubt my bf would like the idea of this…even if he did read the article) but I really love the idea of helping couples who want kids have them. Good for you, whoever wrote this! And you BuffyBot!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm one of the women who might one day have a donor like yourself to thank for making my dream come true, and words can't express how much your sacrifice means. Like @llama23 I have three failed IVFs under my belt and experienced the shots and hormones and Cinnabon (okay nachos) first hand. My husband and I switched to adoption but after three years of waiting we're not sure we can handle the birth mother rejection anymore. And to those potential donors like @QuiteAimable who are worried about being "picked" — let me assure you that SAT scores and eye color and pedigree don't matter to me a bit, and I have a feeling I'm not alone. When you've waited this long, all you really want is a healthy baby to love. So thanks again, Anonymous Donor.
This made the £ signs light up in my eyes until I googled and discovered they only seem to pay expenses in the UK. No wonder there aren't enough doners!
@Susanna@twitter It's illegal to pay more than expenses in the UK, though I suspect there are ways of stretching the definition.
One of my friends donated her eggs recently, and it's extremely interesting to learn about–she made some money and made some people happy, and there's definitely nothing wrong with that.
I've always wondered about one thing: usually the ads or agencies ask for stuff like "SAT score this, Ivy League that, etc." I'm no brain researcher (haha, is that even the right title?? no chance) but is there really a very strong correlation between a donor's IQ or achievements and the future IQ/achievements/whatever of the child? I guess I understand wanting to limit the odds of a "difficult" child, but it seems like a rather unscientific process that has to do more with wanting privileged donors than the actual "genetic lottery" thing.
Great (and thought-provoking) article!
@hairdresser on fire: Sometimes I feel like that's a little bit Design-a-Baby, but then I also think that sometimes the couple are trying to get a donor who shares some characteristics with the mother.
When I first moved to New York last year, the money from egg donation was quite tempting. So tempting that I actually applied to a few donation centers (the largest in the city and then a few university centers) and was accepted to them all. I chose the largest in the city and began the process of psychological and physical exams including (my very first!) ultrasound and blood tests. The nurses were very encouraging and told me how happy they were I had decided to donate and that they were confident my profile would be selected quickly. I remember their kindness was almost startling.
In what turned out to be a case of horrible irony, the kindest nurse called a few days after the ultrasound and told me that not only did I not have enough eggs or follicles to donate, but that it would probably be very hard for me to conceive.
At 22 I wasn't at all prepared to be confront the idea of infertility, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information. I'm only sharing this now for those similarly tempted so that you're better (emotionally?) prepared than I was.
@ProjectName This happened to a friend of mine as well, and it was really devastating for her. I'm so sorry.
@wee_ramekin Thanks. I was mostly surprised and unsure of how to handle that kind of news. I had clearly never considered the possibility.
@ProjectName That's so shockingly awful <3
This is interesting because I was seriously considering doing this a little over two years ago. An acquaintance (I have no idea why she was looking at these things) pointed me to a Craigslist ad that has been posted by a Jewish couple. I fit their requirements 100%: weight, height, age, good SAT scores, in graduate school, good grades, both parents were Jewish (this was a MUST), no family history of disease, both parents healthy, etc. And they were offering a TON of money. I seriously considered it. However, I was getting parental support at the time and was also just starting a relationship that I felt pretty good about (we're still together, yay!) so I decided not to do it. Sometimes I wonder if that couple ever found their donor. I hope that they did, and I hope that they are happy!
@Lindsay Gordon@facebook uh this is gonna sound weird buttttt were they offering about $20k and tuition assistance? Because my own mother pointed me toward a very similar craigslist ad. I think they even had an email address that included "LovingJewishCouple."
So how long does the entire process take? By which I actually mean (come on, this is the Hairpin) how long do you have to stop drinking for? The 10 days that you're giving yourself shots?
Just asking for a friend. You know.
@rebecca@twitter
If you really had to stop drinking for fertility to work, what would the world population be? 10,000?
@atipofthehat I think that it's that you have to stop drinking while you're on the meds, because the interaction could screw with you/the meds working.
@rebecca@twitter You're blood is tested every/every other day. You have to stop for as long as you're taking the meds and probably should until they're out of your system (when you get your period) so like a month. It's not that hard! I did my first cycle in January though and that was a lot easier than my July one… You just drink more in the summer, I think
I'd comment about whether or not I would do this, what would be awful/cool about it, etc. but "Take no medications or supplements other than Tylenol" rules it out for me, 100%. I would have a good chance of dying. Guess that answers that!
@Third Wave Housewife
I wasnt asked to stop any of my medications when I donated.
Chiming in with a longer view here – I donated eggs twice, ten years ago, when I was 25. I donated anonymously, to a couple I didn't know. While I wouldn't have done that without being well-compensated, I felt very positively, at the time, about helping someone else have a child. I thought I probably wouldn't have children, but, in my mind then, I had some great genetic material – why waste it?
I have a daughter of my own now, and a second due in about 6 weeks. It's thrilling to me to consider the possibility that my girls might have a half-brother or half-sister out there (I don't know if the IVF was successful). I still feel good about doing it, mostly. I helped myself (the money helped me get out of debt and relocate for grad school), and helped a couple start a family (maybe). My only regret is that I didn't learn more about the couple receiving my eggs, and vet them in the way that I was vetted. I worry sometimes that I gave away my eggs to bad future parents, and try to send out my love through the ether to a child who may or may not exist.
I don't know how the process has changed in the last ten years, but I remember that I had very little agency – I was chosen, and then told what to do by the fertility clinic. As a younger, somewhat naive and hapless person, it didn't occur to me that I could ask to learn about the recipients, or make my own demands on the process. That's what I'd do differently.
Alright, so I'm just curious. Who are the people who successfully donate eggs? I, and nearly all of the people I know, have something wrong with them: depression, glasses, family history of high blood pressure, etc.
Are there actually Jewish (seems the majority of the ads I've read are for Jewish eggs) women with no mental or physical problems now or in their family?
I'm serious. Who are these people?
@Briana_Ritz My thoughts exactly. Nobody would ever pick me out of a lineup as having mad medical issues, I lead a pretty damn simple and normal life, and yet from head to toe I would NEVERRRRR be able to donate eggs: asthma, allergies, 20/450 vision by 21 years old, anxiety issues, I AM A WRECK ACCORDING TO EGG DONATION STANDARDS. Come to think of it, given my mundane medical problems, it costs upward of $1200 per year to keep me from being blind and unable to breathe. And that is without any therapy and without factoring in copay costs and the price of an eye exam. ewwww…and I even have decent insurance.
@Briana_Ritz I'm actually curious about this too! I just filled out a preliminary forms on a website, just to test the waters (… for now), and when I have to write down every single health problem anyone I'm related to has ever had … man. I feel like I've done something wrong because two of my grandparents are dead! Everyone in my immediate family has bad vision! My mother, grandmother, and brother have suffered from crippling depression! I had asthma when I was six!!! Who would ever pick these eggs? And for that matter, how have I even survived this long?!?? I WILL PROBABLY DIE TOMORROW OH GOD.
@Briana_Ritz My sister did, and she has a history of depression and a criminal record. But on the other hand, she's quite intelligent and pretty, so who knows what's really important.
My cousin did, and I'll never understand how. She told us it was because they were looking for someone "beautiful and intelligent," and she's pretty enough, but dumb as hell. Combine that with family history of alcoholism, diabetes, drug addiction, criminal activity… and I guess the couple really wanted someone pretty and petite and weren't too worried about the rest.
This is simply fascinating.
Please, please don't consider lying about your family medical history. It's really important. There have been actual law suits. In the end, you're selling a product, with guarantees. I don't mean anyone specific, in this thread, but it's huge issue with sperm banks. Lots of sperm donors lie. Bad, bad, bad.
I'm 28 now, but when I was 25 I donated some of my eggs to my older sister. We had to do this through an agency, and we were both screened pretty rigorously. I had to speak to phycologist, take 2 different computerized test to "prove" I wasn't loca, a pretty serious family history check, and two physicals (all this BEFORE we started the process). There were birth control pills, self injections twice a day, and 7am blood draws. Really, it wasn't that difficult. I hated the bloating but overall it was a decent experience. The whole process took about 3 months…no drinking & no sexy time. I was "compensated" with an awesome nephew, and some pretty cool medical documentation that says my genes are legit!
My friend donated her eggs but I didn't feel comfortable asking her this – how do you deal with the thought of there being kids in the world that are technically yours that you don't know? I have a strong feeling that would haunt me in some way.
Does the fact that I'm hung up on that mean I'm just not at all a candidate for this to begin with? (I'm sooo broke though!)
(Reading this didn't help my disposition on the matter: http://gawker.com/5837632/college-guys-donating-sperm-are-modern+day-genghis-kahns?popular=true)
@annev6 i was wondering if i was the only one who had that thought. i am possessive of my genes and if there were some kid around there that was half me genetically i'd want to know about it. we'd have some world domination plans to talk about.
i feel selfish saying that? but personally the money and pain isn't the main issue, it's entrusting a kid that is partially YOU to a couple of strangers.
@cc Right? My maternal instinct would get all uppity and I'd want to know about the couple as much as they know about me. I'd also spend a lot of time pausing in front of playgrounds for years after eyeing children suspiciously… or maybe that pull ends up not being as strong as I'm imagining… I don't know!
This article is so relevant to my interests! I'm pregnant right now, so obviously my eggs work (edit: that sounds flippant, sorry – I don't intend any insult to anyone who is struggling with infertility), and I've thought about donating my eggs for ages. I used to know a girl who did it and, although it wasn't especially pleasant, she thought it was well worth the money she made as well as the warm fuzzies of helping a gay couple have babies. But I'm still kicking myself for not staying in touch with her, because I know that in Canada you can't get paid for it, and I know she was flying in and out of New York and I want to know how she wrangled that. Does anyone here know how that would work?
@J Keems@twitter Congratulations on the pregnancy!
I posted my question (below) before seeing yours, so basically…um…same? I would like to know more about finagling that too… (Not the pregnancy part. Pretty sure I know how that works.)
I think i'd feel 120% better if I knew my eggs were going to stem cell research, and not trying to give someone a child. mostly because i'm mixed, and I can't stand the thought of some rich white couple flipping through my files and cooing "look, honey! so exotic! we'll take four, please."
also, have you TRIED Stem Cell skin products? -so- amazing.
wait until there's more variety and they go down in price… then go get you some.
@Lauren Watson@facebook Honestly, I think that would be unlikely to happen, because people often want an egg donor who looks like them so their kids look like them. So instead, you might be helping out a nice mixed woman like you who wants to find an egg like yours.
Knowing that a couple of friends have gone through the IVF process (both successful, thankfully) this article particularly resonated with me and is something to which I am now giving some serious thought.
However, my understanding (through quick Google search, obv) is that the compensation side of things is very different in Canada. I hate to sound like I would only ever do this for the money, but after going through all those hoops and then putting your body to work like that… would I only be walking away with a warm feeling in my heart and ovaries the size of oranges? Does anyone know how the compensation aspect works in Canada? I would love to donate eggs so that someone's partner/best friend/sister can have the opportunity to have a child, but it would be nice to have some benefits come out of it. (Is that über selfish?)
@whatsherface I don't think that's selfish at all. I mean, just read all the steps that you have to go through, and all the hormones you pump into your body, and all the medical risks that you subject yourself to. I think you should be compensated for that!
Shoot, I thought I was home free with this whole donating-eggs-for-money thing, but as it turns out, egg donors can't be adopted. I guess because they need a full family medical history thing. It makes sense I guess, but what wouldn't they be able to tell by just testing me? Is there really something that could be a timebomb sort of thing that I wouldn't be aware of, just cuz I'm adopted?
@bessmarvin I'm just speculating here (I wanted to make a pun about speculum-ating but I couldn't do it without barfing in my mouth a little) but the thing is, family history is a better disease predictor than genetic screening for a lot of things. I mean, not for everything, and certainly when you yourself decide to do family planning, if that's something you want to do, you and your partner should talk about meeting with a genetic counselor since you don't have access to that info, but I can see why they'd want potential donors to be able to provide a really thorough family history. There are a crapton of genetic conditions (meaning inheritable) for which no ONE gene has been isolated, but you look at the pedigree (family history) and you're like "oh, wow, there it is, everyone in that family has condition kablooie" or whatever it is. I certainly wouldn't consider it a timebomb, but if they're going to be picky about someone being on anti-depressants, or wearing glasses, I can see them being fussy about large chunks of a family history missing.
Musings: hm, well I'm 30, super short, but I can prove a high IQ and am getting my master's. However, on antidepressants. Dammit. I don't want kids; I am intrigued about getting paid to help other people have kids!
Wow, this is eye-opening. I've genuinely considered selling my eggs before, because, really, I'm not using them or planning to use them. Now I'm pretty sure this would not be a good choice for me, even if I passed the screenings. But more power to you, Anonymous Donor (and others who would do this to help other women); thank you for sharing your experience.
I once thought about egg donation. I was probably about 26, almost finished with an MD/PhD at one the best med schools in the country, newly married, and super broke. I figured with my educational background, and good health profile, my eggs would be pretty valuable. Nope! Why? Because I'm black, and black eggs get like 20 cents on the dollar compared to white eggs. That fact tells you so much about race in America — no matter how smart, healthy and accomplished you might be, if you aren't white, you really aren't worth much in the eyes of this culture/economy.
@contactallergy I think this may have to do with less demand for nonwhite egg donors since the majority of couples seeking this kind of method with ivf are white and affluent and maybe not ok with just announcing to the world that they had a child via an egg donor, which they would be doing if they selected a nonwhite egg donor (kid doesn't look like parents, etc).
Lemme tell you, ovarian torsion is the WORST.
First off, thank you Anonymous Donor and Hairpin! I'm a long time devoted lurker and was inspired to finally make an account thank in part to this article. Being the obnoxious nuisance I am, I just wanted to add one pro and one con to the list of things to consider to those who might be inspired to give egg donation (something I still think is really worth while) a shot.
First off, the con: I donated eggs around five years ago (I was 24 at the time) and ended up with a complication called severe ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome, wherein my ovaries bloated up to the size of grapefruits after the retrieval procedure, I gained 30 pounds of water weight in 3 days (which was rather a lot like a really short, super intensive alien pregnancy) and I ended up with a nine-day hospital stay where I was hooked up to IVs that first pumped me full of more fluid and then pumped me full of protein while was supposed to (and did) bond with the fluid and carry it back out of my body. Now this is a pretty rare complication (especially to the really severe version of it), is temporary (if it doesn't get life-threatening), and can be avoided by adjusting the medications you're on if the fertility doc who's monitoring how your eggs are maturing doesn't get greedy. My doctor was constantly commenting with an excited gleam in his eyes during the days leading up to the retrieval that we were likely going to end up with a whole bunch of viable eggs, and 40 good ones did come out of the procedure–a record for this particular clinic at the time. So please, please research and pay attention to what's going on during the entire cycle. These are some powerful chemicals these doctors are playing with.
Now onto a happier side effect, during the contract negotiation phase, my couple's lawyer had tried to insert a clause giving the couple the right to sell any unused embryos at their discretion. That was a bit more than I was willing to swallow, so after discussing it with the attorney the egg donation agency had hired for me (and pretty much panicking everyone as they all seemed to think I would back out over this issue), I managed to get the clause stricken and a new clause inserted saying I had to be notified as to what happened to any extra eggs (just because you're not paying for the lawyer representing you doesn't mean you don't have a right to a contract that doesn't screw you over). So a year after the donation procedure, I received a happy little note from the donation agency that the couple wanted to donate a bunch of extra embryos to research. This news came about around the same time my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's, so I was pretty gosh darn thrilled. In fact, years later, knowing I've managed to contribute to stem cell research still makes me giddy (whereas I don't really think about any kids that may or may not be running around with half my DNA, though I do really, really hope for the couple's sake that their procedure was successful; it'd be such a shame to have gone through so much trouble only to have it all not work out).
@TrueKid
Thank you for all that!
Wow, thanks for this article.
I'm not thanking you for the "upsetting orange" and "ovarian torsion." The very idea of ovaries the size of oranges is indeed upsetting. We won't go into the goldfish imagery. I am clearly not cut out for egg donation.
Thank you so much for writing this article, Anonymous Donor, and for doing what you did. It's because of wonderful, generous people like you that my unbelievably amazing brother exists. Thank you!!
a) Have a big sister who pulled you through adolescence, who took your scabby knees and scraggly hair and bitten fingernails and told you “you’re going to make it, too.”. Give birth at 30 to an awesome kid, watch your sister bloom into your child’s favorite person. Realize fully and profoundly that the world needs your big sister to be a mother, to raise more kids.
b) Drink many glasses of red wine with her, stain your front teeth with the earth shaking laughter that only she can elicit. Pipe up when she says she’s ready to be a mother. Offer yourself. Try not to think about the money the clinic is charging your sister for your fucked up, depression prone, 33 year old eggs.
c) Take that insane 400 question fill-in-the-blank test that asks you to answer “true” or “false” to statements like “I should like to be a florist” and “I often or oftener hear voices telling me horrible things”. Discover that you have an elevated need for affection, and a flair for the dramatic. Laugh and laugh and laugh at how DUH this is.
d) Repeatedly check in with your husband, making sure he is OK with there being a genetic half-sister to his only child out there. Love him HARD when he waves it all off, when he tells the clinic psychologist in the family session that he wants to meet his niece or nephew.
e) Start taking birth control. Make sure your three year old doesn’t play with the weird generic packet and hide it in the bottom of her “shopping cart”.
f) Don’t forget to take the pill one morning, and don’t start spotting the next day, and don’t weep uncontrollably in the conference room because now you’ve gone and done it, now you’ve made your sister inject her belly with 2 inch long needles all alone in her bathroom while you’re just some dumb idiot who can’t remember to take a dumb pill with your stupid beautiful husband and your stupid perfect toddler in your idiotic perfect life.. Realize that you hate hormonal birth control.
g) Ignore the crumpled wads of tissue in the waste basket in the computer room. Appreciate that your husband clears the browser history before you begin your obsessive search online for a community of egg donors each morning. Also be a little bummed that you don’t get to join the fun.
h) Spend 10 (or so) days giving yourself a shot in the belly every night, and eventually a shot in the morning, too. Wonder if it matters if you shoot yourself in a stretch mark or not. They don’t hurt very much, but you bruise like hell. Feel better by having your sister text you a picture of HER needles next to a ruler.
i) Swell like Violet Beauregard.
j) Tell your boss what the hell you are doing because seriously you are an animal.
k) Wake up at 5am, before your husband, before your toddler. Before the sun. Dress for work half heartedly in the stretch-waist dress pants you bought for your swelling crotch. Drive from your suburban home into the city. Get blood drawn at 7am. Lay down and get the dildo-cam treatment. Drive to work. Be grossed out when you’re in a bathroom stall and medical grade lube is glopped in your underpants.
l) Cry at your desk. Text your sister. Laugh at what hormonal crybabies you are.
m) Don’t yell at the three year old when she climbs repeatedly onto your belly and makes it feel like a sack of eyeballs is exploding inside of you.
n) Feel like an enormous LOSER when the dildo cam only detects 11 follicles growing. Feel that you are fertile and young enough, and if you don’t produce a million eggs for THE Cause that you are failing your sister, failing your future, failing yourself.
o) For the last day or two, try not to move. Seriously. Just don’t. Cry at your coworker and choke out “YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME” as he laughs at you.
p) Go under general sedation for a relatively easy surgery. When you have the alarming and peculiar sensation that someone has wiped your labia, taint and asshole with a fine mist of flesh eating acid, do not be soothed by the German Anesthesiologist saying “Very interesting! I’ve only seen this reaction 11 or a dozen times.” Feel your eyes roll back into your head as you pass out thingking that he was very specific with those numbers. Wake up choking on tears, crying “How many? How many? How many?” When your sister arrives a moment later, find your tongue and thank her. For everything. For getting you through 1988, through 1995, 1999, 2001, today.
q) Go to work the next day like a jackass and think endlessly about the sperm (Donor Lookalike: John Krazinsky!) and your eggs, meeting and growing and splitting cells and pray pray pray pray that they are making what will be your redheaded, dramatically flared, attention needing niece or nephew.
r) Poop only rabbit pellets. Eat many potato chips.
s) Feel like an asshole when you find out your eggs have resulted in only 5 embryos. Feel like a failure. Realize you might just still be sliiiightly hormonal.
t) 5 days after surgery, feel sick all day waiting to hear how the transfer went. When your sister calls and says they transferred a single, strong embryo, feel amazing. And terrified. Read this post on the hairpin and wonder if I could have ever done thins for anyone other than my sister. Realize that yes, I would have, long ago. Maybe for the money. But mostly for the mothers out there who need so much to try and bring their child into the world. Wait with bated breath for these long days to pass. You wont know for another week if your sister is pregnant. Don’t cry, it’s going to be all right.
@waterisfinite This is such a wonderful comment. Thanks for sharing this. I hope the very best for you and your sister.
@waterisfinite This was incredible. My fingers are crossed for you both.
@waterisfinite <3 x infinity
So…links to sites for potential donors (in CA)? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller….Bueller….
@waterisfinite
Can you maybe please write an article in a few months for Hairpin, and update us all? Best wishes!
"remember the fun of starting new birth control hormones? YOU DON’T?? HOW COULD YOU FORGET when YOU KNEW how important it was to me? You don’t love me and I don’t believe you ever did."
yeah. this pretty much sums up my relationship with HBC and also the impact it had on my relationship with my ex. Like. EXACTLY.
Umm there isnt any diff between a 31 year old's eggs and a 33 year old's. lol. after 27 it's downhill. Ive seen lots of women have babies closer to 40 with no issues at all. please people.
Hello I am a 40 mom and would love to Donate my eggs to help other family out if I can I pray that I can I am in very good health and have 4 very healthy kids that are amazing… I had all my kids full 9 months and good size babies.. can you please tell me I want to DONATE MY EGGS please… Thank you for your time… I am Tracy