It is with great pleasure that I am finally able to announce the culmination of 10 years of work in developing my top-secret passion project: a community of underground bunkers available for rent to those who have recently been broken up with or otherwise betrayed by the false notion that there is such a thing as “love.”
The idea came to me at 14, when I realized that a certain quarterback totally did NOT return my feelings and subsequently wished for a way to move beneath the earth’s surface. The project’s prototype, a two-foot hole in my parents’ backyard, was not met with the rave reviews I had hoped for, and I emerged from my 30-minute stay there disappointingly unhealed. I had to go bigger. With the money I saved over three years of babysitting, I was able to begin work on the project’s final version: a multimillion-dollar set of 25 bunkers built beneath the Mojave Desert.
After five years of construction and two years of furnishing the bunkers in the latest and greatest in breakup recovery technology, I am thrilled to announce that the bunkers are, at last, available for rent. Please, join me. Symbolically speaking, that is. I’m situated in my own bunker at a separate, undisclosed location (hint: look for rental availability in underwater breakup bunkers, barring unforeseen shark problems, in the next 2-15 years!).
It’s like we say at Breakup Bunkers HQ: Take your problems underground. For life.
1 cry per day*#1.
* Breakup Bunkers are run on human tears. Your contribution helps keep Breakup Bunkers around for the next time you need us, because you will need us again, because love does not exist.
# Should you be unable to meet the costs naturally, the staff at Breakup Bunkers will be more than happy to provide you with assistance in the form of onions, PMS-inducing supplements, or Meg Ryan movies.
1. If you are pleased with your stay at Breakup Bunkers and are able to return to society as a semi-functional human being, any and all cash gifts are much appreciated. Also you can send us chocolate, as we are always struggling to meet demand.
Lengths of Stay:
At Breakup Bunkers, we recommend that you stay with us for at least one half the length of time you and your significant other were together (including “breaks” and “times when you were just sleeping together”). Unfortunately, we are unable to accommodate stays exceeding five years, because the Big Sun and Big Air lobbies insist that it isn’t “healthy” to be underground for longer than that. To them we say, “Oh, is bursting into tears to Backstreet Boys’ ‘I Want it That Way’ healthy???”
- Everlasting Flames Foyer: Upon entering their personal bunkers, guests are encouraged to partake in burning pictures of their exes in the chalice of everlasting flames for several hours. Chalices have been recently renovated to include the sound of high-pitched screaming as pictures burn. Please provide own set of pictures, 150+ recommended.
- The Wailing Hall: Stone floors and vaulted ceilings create optimum conditions for guests who wish to yell “WHYYYYY” and hear their voices echoed back to them, as though they are not really alone, as they walk to their living quarters.
- The Pit: 15’ x 15’ bedroom features an electronic panel door opening up to a full-room wall-to-wall bed. Soft mattress, perfectly calibrated for rolling oneself to the center and sinking while curling into the fetal position or onto one’s face. Cry-activated playlist of depressing music available by request.
- The Whisper Well: Breakup bunkers are each built with a well at their core. Guests who wish to whisper feelings about their exes down a well may do so via the little access window off the foyer designated for such purposes. Guests are kindly urged to remember that nobody can hear them, because the wells open up into the Mojave Desert.
- The Rage Room: Guests who have reached the anger stage of the grief cycle can access this room by punching the north-facing wall of the foyer. Inside, guests will find a sledgehammer, protective goggles, and a shelving unit of glass vases. Upon picking up the sledgehammer, Cher’s “Believe” will play in a loop until the room has been destroyed to the guest’s satisfaction.
- Luxurious bathroom includes Jacuzzi bathtub, shampoo that is literally no-tears shampoo, and complimentary mirror. (“Your hair is the hair that Rapunzel WISHES she had” is one example.) Please note: bathroom attached to kitchen by conveyor belt so that guests are not required to become upright while traversing back and forth between the two.
- Refrigerator and freezer fully stocked with renter’s preferred meal plan:
1. The Meathead: For guests who wish to experience the comfort in tearing flesh from bone or just more flesh, this plan includes breakfasts of bacon and sausage, lunches of turkey legs, and dinners of barbeque ribs.
2. The Sweetheart: For guests who don’t really see the point anymore, the Sweetheart offers a healthy supply of donuts, ice creams, gummy bears, fun size candy bars, king size candy bars, and pies. Guests who select this plan are also provided with a fish tank full of Pixie Stix sugar for dipping their tongues into while crying.
3. The Delivery Boy: Guests who select this plan are provided with pizzas (frozen or fresh) for all three meals. Grease blotting is explicitly prohibited. Between-meal snack pizzas, which are just regular size pizzas, are available by request.
4. The Realist: Bunkers rented by guests selecting this plan are stocked with 20 cartons of cigarettes and infinity bottles of wine.
5. The Borrower: Tiny portions of food-type things left strategically around the bunker for the guest who feels that scavenging for food might add some sort of objective to his/her life. Scraps vary, but may include 1/4-full bags of baking chocolate chips, chip crumbs, morsels of cheese, jars of olives, and 2-liter bottles of flat Diet Coke.
-Sweatpants in various colors and fabrics to suit guests’ changing states of despair. Guests who wish to have their sweatpants laundered may drop them through the chute in the foyer. Guests who wish to live in complete filth are also welcomed. Breakup Bunkers is a Safe Place.
Thank you for choosing Breakup Bunkers. We hope you “enjoy” your stay.
Katie Heaney hasn’t gone underground over a boy before, but she has made a number of couch forts in her day.