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Thursday, September 8, 2011

153

Breakup Bunkers for Rent

It is with great pleasure that I am finally able to announce the culmination of 10 years of work in developing my top-secret passion project: a community of underground bunkers available for rent to those who have recently been broken up with or otherwise betrayed by the false notion that there is such a thing as “love.”

The idea came to me at 14, when I realized that a certain quarterback totally did NOT return my feelings and subsequently wished for a way to move beneath the earth’s surface. The project’s prototype, a two-foot hole in my parents’ backyard, was not met with the rave reviews I had hoped for, and I emerged from my 30-minute stay there disappointingly unhealed. I had to go bigger. With the money I saved over three years of babysitting, I was able to begin work on the project’s final version: a multimillion-dollar set of 25 bunkers built beneath the Mojave Desert.

After five years of construction and two years of furnishing the bunkers in the latest and greatest in breakup recovery technology, I am thrilled to announce that the bunkers are, at last, available for rent. Please, join me. Symbolically speaking, that is. I’m situated in my own bunker at a separate, undisclosed location (hint: look for rental availability in underwater breakup bunkers, barring unforeseen shark problems, in the next 2-15 years!).

It’s like we say at Breakup Bunkers HQ: Take your problems underground. For life.

Rates:

1 cry per day*#1.

* Breakup Bunkers are run on human tears. Your contribution helps keep Breakup Bunkers around for the next time you need us, because you will need us again, because love does not exist.

# Should you be unable to meet the costs naturally, the staff at Breakup Bunkers will be more than happy to provide you with assistance in the form of onions, PMS-inducing supplements, or Meg Ryan movies.

1. If you are pleased with your stay at Breakup Bunkers and are able to return to society as a semi-functional human being, any and all cash gifts are much appreciated. Also you can send us chocolate, as we are always struggling to meet demand.

Lengths of Stay:

At Breakup Bunkers, we recommend that you stay with us for at least one half the length of time you and your significant other were together (including “breaks” and “times when you were just sleeping together”). Unfortunately, we are unable to accommodate stays exceeding five years, because the Big Sun and Big Air lobbies insist that it isn’t “healthy” to be underground for longer than that. To them we say, “Oh, is bursting into tears to Backstreet Boys’ ‘I Want it That Way’ healthy???”

Amenities:

- Everlasting Flames Foyer: Upon entering their personal bunkers, guests are encouraged to partake in burning pictures of their exes in the chalice of everlasting flames for several hours. Chalices have been recently renovated to include the sound of high-pitched screaming as pictures burn. Please provide own set of pictures, 150+ recommended.

- The Wailing Hall: Stone floors and vaulted ceilings create optimum conditions for guests who wish to yell “WHYYYYY” and hear their voices echoed back to them, as though they are not really alone, as they walk to their living quarters.

- The Pit: 15’ x 15’ bedroom features an electronic panel door opening up to a full-room wall-to-wall bed. Soft mattress, perfectly calibrated for rolling oneself to the center and sinking while curling into the fetal position or onto one’s face. Cry-activated playlist of depressing music available by request.

- The Whisper Well: Breakup bunkers are each built with a well at their core. Guests who wish to whisper feelings about their exes down a well may do so via the little access window off the foyer designated for such purposes. Guests are kindly urged to remember that nobody can hear them, because the wells open up into the Mojave Desert.

- The Rage Room: Guests who have reached the anger stage of the grief cycle can access this room by punching the north-facing wall of the foyer. Inside, guests will find a sledgehammer, protective goggles, and a shelving unit of glass vases. Upon picking up the sledgehammer, Cher’s “Believe” will play in a loop until the room has been destroyed to the guest’s satisfaction.

- Luxurious bathroom includes Jacuzzi bathtub, shampoo that is literally no-tears shampoo, and complimentary mirror. (“Your hair is the hair that Rapunzel WISHES she had” is one example.) Please note: bathroom attached to kitchen by conveyor belt so that guests are not required to become upright while traversing back and forth between the two.

- Refrigerator and freezer fully stocked with renter’s preferred meal plan:

1. The Meathead: For guests who wish to experience the comfort in tearing flesh from bone or just more flesh, this plan includes breakfasts of bacon and sausage, lunches of turkey legs, and dinners of barbeque ribs.

2. The Sweetheart: For guests who don’t really see the point anymore, the Sweetheart offers a healthy supply of donuts, ice creams, gummy bears, fun size candy bars, king size candy bars, and pies. Guests who select this plan are also provided with a fish tank full of Pixie Stix sugar for dipping their tongues into while crying.

3. The Delivery Boy: Guests who select this plan are provided with pizzas (frozen or fresh) for all three meals. Grease blotting is explicitly prohibited. Between-meal snack pizzas, which are just regular size pizzas, are available by request.

4. The Realist: Bunkers rented by guests selecting this plan are stocked with 20 cartons of cigarettes and infinity bottles of wine.

5. The Borrower: Tiny portions of food-type things left strategically around the bunker for the guest who feels that scavenging for food might add some sort of objective to his/her life. Scraps vary, but may include 1/4-full bags of baking chocolate chips, chip crumbs, morsels of cheese, jars of olives, and 2-liter bottles of flat Diet Coke.

-Sweatpants in various colors and fabrics to suit guests’ changing states of despair. Guests who wish to have their sweatpants laundered may drop them through the chute in the foyer. Guests who wish to live in complete filth are also welcomed. Breakup Bunkers is a Safe Place.

Thank you for choosing Breakup Bunkers. We hope you “enjoy” your stay.

Katie Heaney hasn’t gone underground over a boy before, but she has made a number of couch forts in her day.

153 Comments / Post A Comment

AmeliaBadelia

Having just been broken up with less than 24 hours ago, the thought of burying myself in a breakup bunker underground is extremely appealing right now.

wee_ramekin

@AmeliaBadelia Awwwwww, grrrrrl. I'm sorry :-(.

Let me know when you're ready for the gold stars, and I will totally mail you some.

AmeliaBadelia

@wee_ramekin I don't know about these gold stars you speak of, but I'll take anything at this point. Bunker underground totally trumps parent's house/childhood bedroom. Things are ROUGH! Anyone have any good break up stories to commiserate?

jacqueline
jacqueline

@AmeliaBadelia I won't even pretend I have the worst story, but one that still makes me fume was when my ex made a plan to see me, was an hour late, blamed me for it and then broke up with me. Oh and then he ate all my food.

jacqueline
jacqueline

@AmeliaBadelia Also, sorry about your breakup. :(

Pizzahut

Sorry about your breakup. Hope you have good friends to help you out!

Bad Breakup story: I once had a boyfriend who had recently moved for a job fly me out to his new city, only to ditch me for the girl he wanted to move on to. Alone. In a city where I knew NO ONE.

When he finally came to pick me up he was three sheets as they had been playing beer pong all night. Fun!

Not really a good break up story because he just made me want to get the hell away from him ASAP.

redheaded&crazy

@Pizzahut Not my own story, but I had a friend whose boyfriend moved to another continent (specifically, Asia), and then broke up with her after she had already booked her insanely expensive tickets to go visit him.

hyphenanne

@AmeliaBadelia re: the gold stars: check out the fourth question here. It got me through some bad times. http://thehairpin.com/2011/05/heartbreak-friendship-and-the-girl-whos-always-on-some-sort-of-restrictive-diet

Also, I'm so sorry, lady. <3

marigny

@AmeliaBadelia Aw girl, I'm sorry. Breakups are the worst. This sounds cliche, but it gets so much better with every 24 hours that passes. Through my bad breakups, I'd reward myself with each subsequent 24 hours I survived. (Lots of ice cream was consumed.)

Bad Breakup Story: After Hurricane Katrina, I was homeless and moved to Chicago so I could resume my college classes at a school that was not underwater (at a university that sponsored Katrina refugees). My boyfriend came along and little did I know, he had been carrying on a secret online relationship with a girl on the Internet the entire time we had been together (a year and a half) and, lo and behold, she happened to live in Chicago! So they met up, I found out, got dumped in the dining hall and then lost the last remaining person I knew within 2000 miles. Oh, and my city was uninhabitable for over a month. What a crappy time.

redheaded&crazy

@hyphenanne That 4th question still contains the most legit of legit breakup advice.

I totally did that whole "we can be friends and WE can do it even if it didn't work for anybody else in the universe ever!" annnnnnnnnnd it lasted for about two weeks until I learned that unfortunately his definition of being friends was "let's meet up to talk about our feelings that I never opened up to you about when we were actually together" AND my response to that was "fuck you" AND now we're not friends. Whoops.

Olivia2.0

@AmeliaBadelia First, LOVE the handle, one of my favorite books as a kid! I got left for a 20 year old when I was only 26....I was like WHAT. I'm too old NOW??? I'm only 26!!!! It was fucking shocking - but now I'm with someone way better! Keep your head up!

wee_ramekin

@AmeliaBadelia My bad break-up story actually starts with a super awesome, loving break-up. We ended a two-year relationship because - among other things - she was transitioning to be a man and didn't really have the head-space to be in a relationship (totally understandable), and because our sex life was non-existent as a result of this. The break-up was respectful, and based on the understanding that we still loved each other and would be present for each other but that it wasn't healthy for either of us to be in the relationship.

It then starts to go downhill when we decided to stay friends, but strangely, I was the only one who would call or text.

It takes a nosedive when I thought I might have cancer and left a message on his phone saying that I was scared and to please call me, and he never called.

It dips even lower when I get a call from him explaining that the reason why he hadn't been calling me back for the past three months was that he had started dating one of his friends about two weeks after we broke up and was too scared to tell me. When I told him that I didn't care that he was dating again (I didn't) and that I thought his new girlfriend was rad (I did, and still do), he took that as a license to call me the next day and tried to joke and josh around, even called me by the pet name he'd had for me when we were together. You know, as if it was NBD that he had ignored me and treated me like a leper for three months, and that all our mutual friends had known about his new relationship, but I hadn't (bonus: I had been texting his new girlfriend on and off during this time asking her if she wanted to come running with me...now it makes sense why she never answered my texts). I told him I was angry that he had treated me the way he did, and he never talked to me again.

The best part of this whole thing was finding out THROUGH A MUTUAL FRIEND that he has started his transition in earnest: the hormone injections, the legal name-change, the coming out to friends and family. I got to find all of this out from someone else, even though about a year and a half of our relationship was spent thinking about and planning for his transition (and suppressing/side-lining a lot of things I needed/wanted since his issues were much more complicated). I was one of the first people he told when he realized that he was a man. I was there when he picked out his fucking name...and yet, I have never actually met him with that name.

Legally, the person I loved for two years no longer exists. Super awesome.

stinapag

@redheadedandcrazy You dated my ex!! I'm so sorry.

AmeliaBadelia

@redheadedandcrazy I will add mine to the list - we dated for 5 1/2 years, lived together for 4 in a city I hated (so we could be together) and now we move to a new city for his fancypants new job... and he dumps me after 3 months of living here. Just 3 weeks ago he asked for my ring size and preference. Then I got blindsided last night. I have no where to live (except with my parents - not really an option), know no one to live with, and can't afford the city alone. OH! Also, I work from home so I have like zero opportunities to meet new people. Basically, my life rocks right now.

AmeliaBadelia

@Olivia2.0 Thanks - my childhood nickname was Amelia Badelia so I figured why not? :)

Pizzahut

@AmeliaBadelia That is the worst. Even though you don't know people in your city, do you have some friends to support you via phone and email?

Also, I'm guessing if you live in a city with other Hairpinners they would be happy to meet up for a drink or nachos...

QuiteAmiable

@AmeliaBadelia Sounds like you need to meet some local Hairpinners! Ladies and gents, who lives near this lady? (I guess we need to know where you live?!)

Rarobin

@AmeliaBadelia I completely understand and I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband came home from more than a month away the other day and on his 3rd day back said "I don't know if I want to be doing this anymore." Excuse me? It does get better, though I thought I might actually die that night (clearly I didn't). Where are you living? I know there are plenty of good ladies on here that would make sure you don't have to crawl into a bunker if you don't want to.

AmeliaBadelia

@Rarobin Thanks ladies. Never thought I'd be seeking comfort from internet strangers, but you guys are seriously making me feel good. Some of the only people I know here are Hairpinners from the meet up a couple weeks ago. I'm in Boston.. though now I'm not in Boston but suburbia hell in my parent's house. With my cat. The kitty was upset when we left last night - she looked at me while I was sobbing and sniffly and was like "Hey Ma - what are we gonna do NOW?!" Good question, kitty, good question.

Rarobin

@AmeliaBadelia Suggestion: don't look the cat in the eye for a couple of days. THEY KNOW. And they will give you looks that make you burst into tears at inappropriate times, like while you're trying to talk to a client on the phone (I too work from home), or discussing how to clean grime from the stove with the house keeper.

It's sucky and painful and the crying happens whether or not I'm looking at the cats, but I'm finding laughter really is the best medicine.

AmeliaBadelia

@Rarobin Is is bad that I am having ridiculous over the top panic attacks about two things. 1) how will we divide up everything we own in our apartment - literally everything in there we bought together a few weeks ago when we moved in. 2) I don't want to log into Facebook to see that he has ended our Facebook internet relationship. I don't know why, but it will literally KILL ME to see that. I'm crying all over again just thinking about it! I am a goddamn disaster right now.

Rarobin

@AmeliaBadelia Not at all. I avoided Facebook for a solid week just in case there was anything at all on there about us (there wasn't) and in case he had some kind of new GF (he doesn't).

Don't worry about the furniture; I say make him buy it all from you, get some cash, and move someplace you actually want to live (that doesn't involve your parents). This of course is far easier said than done and should not even be attempted for at least a few days.

And my gay friend has just said your ex-should be castrated. Don't know if that's helpful, but we're at least on your side, girl we've never met. :)

CyberAly

@AmeliaBadelia Wellll, you could have been dumped while pregnant, like meeeee! I'm now in the insane denial of how crazy my life has become due to this out-of-nowhere-breakup-while-with-child.

That being said, I'll be moving into this bunker immediately and you are welcome to come check it out if you want. I'll be opting for all of the meal plans.

CyberAly

@AmeliaBadelia Just read your story - wtf?!?! ring size? i'm so sorry - that is pretty crappy.

while drunk, my ex said he wanted to marry me before the baby got here. i don't trust what he says while drunk, so reminded him about it. in the middle of target. he freaked out and said no no no. I cried in the baby stuff aisle. i think it might have been down hill from there.

Rarobin

@CyberAly I suppose there's never really a good time to break up; but I can't really think of a worse one that while you're pregnant! I'm so sorry this horrid stuff is happening to what seem like such nice people (and if you're reading the Hairpin you can't be that bad, right?)

AmeliaBadelia

@Rarobin I'm just now getting back to you lovely commenters and I thank you ladies so much - you keep somehow putting a smile on my face and make me crawl out of my bunker (read: bed covered in tissues) and remind myself that I am [probably] gonna be okay. Boys are dumb and mean sometimes... but I'll get through it, always have, always will. Just knowing that you ladies made it through hell and a half as well makes me feel less alone. So thanks, internet strangers! :)

kasa

@AmeliaBadelia Girlfriend I just got blindsided last month too. Was just finishing grad school and planning my trip out west to finally be with him, ready to rent a car, get there and move in. Lots of "I can't wait for you to move in" "our road trip is going to be amazing" "i have never loved anyone but you" "never break up with me" and then three days later, DUMPED. and he picked someone else up at a bar a week later and is now dating her. And I am also unemployed and(now) homeless, as all my plans/job hunting was focusing on Seattle. We were both talking about living together for like, basically ever. Did I mention that all the moving in together was his idea? And I'm in Providence! Pretty close to Boston! WANT TO SUFFER TOGETHER?

Also my story pales in comparison to yours. But you are already sounding tougher than I am, god knows. Good luck, lady.

redheaded&crazy

@AmeliaBadelia Just wanted to add that I had the terrible facebook stomach drop too. My ex and I had a short breakup a few months ago prior to our current Real Breakup, and I outright asked if he was going to change his fb status, he was like "yeah I guess" so I knew it was coming (obviously it was coming) but it still sucked.

Facebook ruins everything.

Hot mayonnaise

@AmeliaBadelia: Break up with him on Facebook before he does!

SoonerBaby

@AmeliaBadelia Oh honey, I got dumped a month ago. Thought he was the one too. He actually changed his Facebook status ON HIS BIRTHDAY so everyone we knew saw it!

Frog Doctress

@AmeliaBadelia Want me to beat him up for you? ;)

thinkthinkthink

@AmeliaBadelia

I had a terrible breakup about 9 months ago now. We were long-distance, and he was planning a career change. I went home to visit his family with him over Thanksgiving, and he talked about getting married. One week later, he declared that it was over. Two weeks later, he was with someone else.

I've noticed a striking similarity between mine and other stories:

(1) The guy begins talking about marriage/ring sizes/ the Next Big Step in commitment before the breakup,
(2) The guy is about to make a career change.

I'm particularly mystified by (1): why do these guys talk about this, only to break up with you a short time later? Is it that they hit a "now or never" false dichotomy in their heads?

(2) is also weird. I'm beginning to think that these men see the women in their lives as artifacts of a phase or certain job, and getting a new job necessitates getting a new girlfriend. Like clothes or something. So weird.

AmeliaBadelia

@Doctress Julia Yes please. And @kasa - yes we can most definitely be miserable together. Though today I'm feeling a little better because I may have found myself a new roommate!

TooCool4School

the OG hipsters who sang about this very subject: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_lJPUKTchI

redheaded&crazy

This would solve EVERYTHING! Who needs gold stars when you can have breakup bunkers?!

steve

Are your blast doors rebound resistant?

dinos

I am having a hard time deciding between meal plans 3 and 4.

Ophelia

@dinos I'm just in it for the fish tank full of pixie stix sugar.

ejcsanfran

@dinos: Go with 4. It worked for me, and I was only weeping and gnashing my teeth in my apartment, not some fancy bunker. I also recommend the addition of the whiskey of your choice.

MoonBat

@ejcsanfran
Just so you know, I lost two pants sizes sometime between January and March on a variation of this meal plan, which was pretty much just vodka with frozen berries thrown in. And much hysterical sobbing, you know, as exercise. I'm fairly certain it's aerobic.

ejcsanfran

@MoonBat: I dropped 6-8 lbs and was able to wear some of my snugger t-shirts without them becoming stomach-accentuating. Most of my exercising consisted of singing at the top of my lungs to "Good Luck" by Basement Jaxx and "You Know My Name" by Chris Cornell. And the intricately detailed revenge fantasies kept my intellect sharp.

Pizzahut

While you certainly won't lose weight, I recommend homemade oven nachos and a bottle of TJ's wine every night for three months post break-up.

Megoon

For my worst breakup I subsisted on cans of corn (day), vodka-cranberries (day-to-evening), and the soundtrack to The Last Five Years! My roommate eventually confiscated the CD.

Nicole Cliffe

"Elevator Love Letter" by Stars and all the Cracklin' Oat Bran money can buy.

emilylou

I definitely cosign on plan 4, except I don't smoke so sub Xanax for the cigs. Choke down a banana when you feel lightheaded in the morning. Then listen to Elliott Smith "Coast to Coast" on repeat.

MoonBat

@ejcsanfran
Please do not forget, I call dibs on Chris Cornell. Mmkay?

redheadedtwit

@ejcsanfran In my worst breakup I lost 20 pounds in 2 months on a diet of granola bars (like two a day), coffee, and hysterical crying to No Doubt's "Don't Speak." Also paralyzing anxiety that I would run into the jerk-bag and the girl he left me for. I'm surprised my roommates didn't kill me. Fast forward a couple years and he is like "You were the only person in college that I ever truely connected with" and I'm like "Uhhh, ok?" So I guess the plan worked.

Alex Barton

Katie Heaney, my 6 year old self would like to contact you about sharing a couch fort and watching Thundercats reruns with Hi-C juice boxes and Gushers.

Katie Heaney

@Alex Barton What about your [current age] self? Because that sounds a lot like what this 24 year-old and her bffs do on the regs

Xanthophyllippa

@Katie Heaney I want to hang out with you and your bffs, then.

parallel-lines

Can we talk about a rebound add-on to my packages, because sometimes the best way to get over a person is to roll on top of a different person.

Lily Rowan

@parallel-lines I like the way you think!

Also, Katie, I was thinking I couldn't decide on a single meal plan until I got to The Borrower, and that's totally the one! (Unlike that motherfucker, who was definitely NOT The One. I'm just saying.)

no way

@Lily Rowan Me too! Nothing hit the spot until The Borrower. Although, for me it's not about having an objective but about not wanting to be fucking bothered with thinking about actual food and actually fucking eating like a person. I'm just going to eat this ramen raw, and maybe mix the salty part with water later if I'm still hungry.

Lily Rowan

@no way I just want everything. If I could get those pizzas with the cookies, that might work, too.

parallel-lines

@Lily Rowan Oh, gurl http://consumerist.com/2011/01/digiornos-pizza-and-cookies-combo.html

They should just give exclusive catering rights to DiGiorno's.

Lily Rowan

@parallel-lines INORITE?!?!

But olives.

Katie Heaney

@Lily Rowan @no way The Borrower is alarmingly close to how I live my life above ground as well.

Lily Rowan

@Katie Heaney Oh, ditto. I like to think of it as a cocktail party.

ejcsanfran

What about a counterpart establishment to which to send the breaker-upper to live in underground captivity in perpetuity - preferably in some sort of pain-inducing force field?

Katie Heaney

@ejcsanfran In development as we speak.

theharpoon

@ejcsanfran I heard that Melis designs really nice cages.

melis

Just check out my website, guys!

hands_down

I'll add this to my list of things that are so awesome they almost making being dumped worthwhile, which includes "High Fidelity" and "Exile in Guyville."

alice b. tchotchke

@hands_down Yes to Exile in Guyville and all breakup music. During my last break up, while lying on the floor drinking makers mark and listening to my new break up playlist, I realized I was kind of having fun (which then totally ruined it).

AmeliaBadelia

@alice b. tchotchke Tell me more about this breakup playlist. The last time I was broken up with, I think I listen exclusively to Dashboard Confessional and I really don't want to go there again.

alice b. tchotchke

@AmeliaBadelia definitely some songs from Exile in Guyville, Ryan Adam's Heartbreaker, some Cat Power You are Free. I can go to a pretty cheesy country place, which I understand is not everyone's thing, but screaming Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" is just plain cathartic.

joie

@AmeliaBadelia I turn to the High Queen of all Emotion, Tori Amos, and if I need a really good cry, I turn on Joni Mitchell. (especially Blue) when you're reaching the angry stage, Pixies and of course Peaches are fantastic. In fact, just start with this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SzcJrOHuxs

alice b. tchotchke

@AmeliaBadelia Second the Peaches recommendation, if you are going for fun I suggest: No Doubt - End It On This, Pink - So What and never, ever underestimate the power of Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone.

MoonBat

@alice b. tchotchke
Pretty much the entire new Adele CD.

Ophelia

@MoonBat I always add "Fairytale of New York" to break-up lists - you can sing REALLY loudly, and REALLY angrily, and it just makes it better.

madge

@Ophelia "tears dry on their own" over and over and over and over and

sox
sox

@AmeliaBadelia Late Destiny's Child, early Beyonce. PJ Harvey, and that one song by Lily Allen, "Smile" I think? Otherwise I just gt sucked into Iron and Wine or (sorry) the Garden State soundtrack...

There's also this one song by Wildbirds and Peacedrum about getting your shit back together that I have listened to basically on a loop.

Good luck sweetpea! If you're in Denver by any chance then we are planning a meetup sooooon! Come!

Decca

I just have one question: IS GOTYE IN THE BUNKER?

wildschild

@AmeliaBadelia Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago... it doesn't get any better (worse?) than that

wee_ramekin

@Decca AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ahem. I mean: I love you for referencing that, and I would imagine that, yes, yes he is. I think spending hours in a daze watching his music video and fantasizing about his teeth might be one of the pleasures of The Pit that Katie forgot to mention.

Mame16th

@alice b. tchotchke Oh Lord no "I Can't Make You Love Me"! Right after breaking up with my ex-fiance' I heard it and then couldn't listen to ANY music with words AT ALL for at least 6 weeks.

Heygirlhey

@AmeliaBadelia Also excellent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjkMh0tKCZo

hyphenanne

I am late to the party here, but "Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell" is my favourite broken-hearted poem. You can hear/see her perform it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uno-noGe2l4

Her "Survival Poem #17" is also excellent for breakups: http://properlylost.blogspot.com/2009/07/survival-poem-17-by-marty-mcconnell.html

alice b. tchotchke

@Mame16th Sorry, that's awful. Guess I'm just the type that likes to poke at a bruise until it doesn't hurt anymore - musically at least.

fareby_galore

@sox yes to all of those things. especially lily allen. but, i must confess, i was intially inclined to comment because OMGDENVERPINUPWHEREANDWHEN.

sox
sox

@fareby_galore So far it looks like one Thursday coming up in Sept. Email me at soxyfeet at gmail dot com if you want to weigh in/have amazing poster ideas that will blow DC's out the water/just to say hi!

cosmia

@AmeliaBadelia I am SO LATE, but seriously, Hole's "Live Through This" is my favorite MEN FUCKING SUCK I DON'T NEED YOUR SHIT album ever.

alice b. tchotchke

@cosmia YES! How did I forget about that one? It makes me wish I had a myspace so I could post all the lyrics in garishly contrasting fonts.

Meredith L.

I could have really booked a bunker last night the time I got drunk on Sidecars at a fancy French restaurant with a friend, decided to bike the seven miles home where I still lived with my ex-boyfriend, hit a pothole, skin off about 10% of my right leg, STILL make it home, ex asks how was my evening and I scream "LOOK AT MY LEGGGGGG!" then leave the house in a huff only to be found twenty minutes later crying behind the shed. Yep, should have stayed underground.

redheaded&crazy

I love that breakup bunkers will allow me to channel my tears as a force for good! Productive, renewable, energy! Seriously scientists, get to work on this one.

Lady Pennyface

And THIS is why I read the Hairpin. AMAZING

likethestore

I want to live here even if I haven't broken up with anyone.

parallel-lines

I hope this place has ZERO cell phone reception as to prevent drunken sweatpant texting. I don't know if that will be enough--there might need to be orderlies who seize your cell phone.

Lera Atwater

@parallel-lines or maybe they have those boomerang cell phones Katie mentioned in an earlier post...

Lily Rowan

@parallel-lines That's why underground!

Katie really has thought of everything.

Katie Heaney

@Lily Rowan @parallel-lines Guests encouraged to throw phones up into/at a very tall tree just outside the facility's gates prior to stay. Proprietor knows from personal experience that this is more satisfying than you'd even realize.

wee_ramekin

@Katie Heaney I TOTALLY call shenanigans on the "Katie Heaney hasn’t gone underground over a boy before" author note. This bunker is TOO PERFECTLY DESIGNED for that to be the case.

SHENANIGANS!!!!!

katekari

Is there a statute of limitations? I was traumatically and lingeringly dumped over January/February, and I would have CUT OFF A LIMB (not one of mine, just, you know, somebody's limb) to live in one of these bunkers for a solid two months. And I think it would still do me some good.

Lera Atwater

@katekari hear, hear! There is no statute of limitations (at least not in my sick little world)

Katie Heaney

@katekari Breakup Bunkers Inc. does not believe in statutes of limitation!

Anna Marquardt

Love does exist, and it is my love for Katie Heaney and this. Also, for infinity bottles of wine.

tiniest

My sister and I have been planning to create a business out of something similar to this but not underground. A break up center separated into post break up activity rooms. A room for kicking things, one for BLASTING sad music, one for haircuts, one for making a new facebook profile picture of you with some sickeningly attractive people your ex doesn't know at some fancy location your ex has never been (using backdrops). Tons of rooms to sulk and heal! We were thinking about applying for grants. They give out money for things like that, right?

causedbycomma

@tiniest I think you could get seed money for this. In fact I might be willing to invest in this venture.

fairlyalarmed

@tiniest "making a new facebook profile picture of you with some sickeningly attractive people your ex doesn't know at some fancy location your ex has never been (using backdrops)"

I WOULD PAY ALL THE MONEY FOR THIS.

Liz McDonnell@twitter

@tiniest This would have been amaaaaaaazing a 16 months ago.

tiniest

@causedbycomma oh, seed money! i hadn't thought of that! i bet i could use kickstarter.

beatrixkiddo1

"Chalices have been recently renovated to include the sound of high-pitched screaming as pictures burn" Yes. Just yes.

Tuna Surprise

What? No 'Clockwork Orange' style re-education room? I'd like to be strapped in electric chair style while watching movies of my ex's new life. Look how happy he is! Look how pretty she is! Everyone is happy now!!! All of this, of course, while being spoon-fed an alcoholic root beer float. Helloooo, nurse (if you know what I mean)!

atipofthehat

I just like this one lady, so I won't let her break up with me, or, anyway, stay broken up.

Lera Atwater

Katie is a genius. I'm booking a stay. How long for a breakup that occurred more than 18 months ago and has not yet reached the "anger stage"? I am not healthy.

I'm just gonna ride the conveyer belt with my infinity bottles of wine. Genius.

Pizzahut

@Lera Atwater You'll get to anger if you need to! I think every break-up and related moods are different for every person and situation, so just do what you think you need to and you'll be fine eventually (mostly.)

Basically, hang in there kitty!

d$
d$

This bunker sounds phenomenal.
@ameliabadelia - hang in there.
As for my bad break-up story: I moved to a totally different city thousands of miles away after college with my boyfriend, who was going to grad school there. I became best friends with a girl in his program. Fast forward six months: he and I break up. Fast forward two more months: He and "best friend" are engaged. They're now married.
It was rough, but I got through it on a mixture of all the diets above.

BEST BREAK-UP SONG EVER: Jaron & the Long Road, "Pray for You" - awesome, awesome song.

fairlyalarmed

@d$ Oooooooh, that one stings.

checkonetwo

@d$ YES to that as a song good for any time one is more than a little upset with a guy. And wow, bad break-up.

joie

@d$ AHHHH. you just described my worst nightmare with my grad school attending long distance boyfriend that I love so much it scares me. I'm contemplating a move to his locale to finish school. hugs to you. lots of hugs. and a martini.

rayray

Meal plan #4 FTW. If only we could book ahead! The worst thing is you can't know when it'll happen in advance, eh?

melis

@rayray I think it's only fair, if you're planning on dumping someone and you're relatively certain it's going to come to them as a devastating shock, you should book them a stay. "Honey, I don't love you...but I remembered loving you enough to get you a room at the Breakup Bunker. Also, I have packed your bags for you, because frankly, you're depressing."

rayray

@melis Ah sure, if you're the breaker and not the breakee. 'No, I insist, it's on me. By which I mean you'll be so sorry to lose me that you'll easily produce enough tears to both fund your stay AND get a discount voucher for the next time someone gives your hopeless ass the elbow'.

karion

I would have stayed for nearly seven years, and even then, I think you would have had to kick me out to get me out of my dark little hole. As it was, I followed faithfully meal plan #4 and ended up in a whole different kind of bunker.

tiniest

@karion metaphorical bunkers are NOT AS GOOD :(

RebeccaLikes

Uh oh. What if my everyday diet is #5? (minus olives, plus decade-old chanukah gelt)
I knew I belonged in a bunker.

thebestjasmine

This is literally perfect. It was the Rage Room that really sealed it for me. Meal Plan #3, holla!

thebestjasmine

@thebestjasmine Also, I say this right after I sent my ex a text asking for urgent advice for my fantasy football league. I mean, it's really true, that's what I needed him for, but I need a) boyspacefriends who are not in my league or b) girlfriends who like fantasy football enough to discuss it with me so I stop having to use his football knowledge. Help me, Hairpin.

melis

@thebestjasmine Here is how much I will not be able to help you: I thought you meant that most boys were "out of your league" (rather than "in the same league of fantasy football...playing...games) and my immediate response was "Awww, thebestjasmine, don't be so hard on yourself! I bet you're way out of his league."

Excuse me, I have to go twirl in a floaty dress while holding a chocolate ice cream cone.

stinapag

I spent about six months in the bunker after a long distance thing ended with him secretly flying out to see me, renting a car, driving 95 miles to five mile from my location, calling me to tell me he was "here" but couldn't remember the rest of the way, making me drive the five miles out to meet him in the Ramada Inn Parking lot, where he dumped me. It was exactly like a proposal, but the opposite. And he was genuinely surprised that I didn't take it well.

After you leave the bunker, you can go to the bar called Rebound, complete with rubber floors. It's purpose it twofold. The bar serves as a neutral ground for the exchange of stuff after the breakup. You can leave sweaters, tooth brushes, and the ipod shuffle he left at your place, but ONLY if he returns those snow boots you'll never actually need, that awesome sweater that he loved, and your copy of Infinite Jest that you were reading together. And then it also serves as a place to hook up with other recently dumped people.

melis

@stinapag If it's got rubber floors, why not just use it for stabbing? "Here's your sweater...and KNIVES."

melis

@wee_ramekin So when did you want me to visit you in Texas again? This is totally unrelated. To knives, I mean. Just me, visiting a stranger who's a friend, with without knives.

melis

@melis Also, for reasons I cannot explain, the comment I've linked to only appears in my comment history, not the article itself. So that it shall not be lost to posterity, I'll repost it here:

You know what's great? When all of your clothes are made of knives. Big knives, small knives, serrated knives, knives. This year, there's an emphasis on KNIVES. People will definitely notice and smile! Also, blood acts as a natural lubricant. For whatever your lubricant needs are.

You may or may not be surprised to learn that before Edith accepted "So You've Decided to drink more water" there was an early, working draft titled "So You've Decided to KNIVES."

It was never published.

wee_ramekin

@melis I can assume that you have this cartoon tattooed somewhere on your body then, right?

Regarding you coming to Texas: come any time! I have a couch that is so comfortable that I sometimes willingly disdain my bed for it, and it is yours whenever you want to drop by. With or without knives.

melis

@wee_ramekin WITH KNIVES.

Mame16th

@melis In a stupidly protracted stuff exchange, my ex wanted some damn chef's knife that I'm pretty sure I didn't have, so I just gave him one of mine to be rid of him. I wanted to stick into the front door but it was metal (the door) so I had to leave it inside. The best thing was that then I saw his new wife's wedding hat, which was a white satin cowboy hat with lace appliques and a long white tulle bow. I was so happy I would have given him all my knives and other kitchen equipment in gratitude for not marrying me.

lined

AEEN
spelll service has been so amazing. Before finding acctemplespell@gmail.com our house was in foreclosure, our car had just been repossessed and our credit cards were maxed out! It has been a year since I requested the financial windfall money spell and money just seems to come so easy now. Stocks that I forgot I had (a 21th birthday present from my grandma) have skyrocketed, I was in a position to start my own firm and it is thriving. My wife no longer has to work and now spends her time volunteering at a local animal shelter. We have plans in the works to build a shelter of our own now. I am amazed at how fast everything worked!, United States, Greensborough, NC b

checkonetwo

Honestly though, this article and the comments have me already dreading the way I will feel after my next breakup.

ImASadGiraffe

I could have used a bunker after I found out my (now ex) husband was sleeping with one of my best friends via Facebook chat. Worst 9 months of my life followed after that - but now happy to be free of the juicebox and on to bigger/better things.

Also I might still be on meal plan #5. My dogs don't judge me.

euphoria

ugh I could have totally used this 6 months ago instead of just closing my eyes and PRETENDING I was underground while listening to Rilo Kiley's Breakin' Up and crying on the street.

Inkling

This thread has been amazingly theraputic! Moar breakup stories please.
Mine is pretty lame: crush for a year, small window of organic, gorgeous romance, LDR proposal despite my LDR-related concerns, it lasts a week, he breaks up with me for aforesaid concerns, he's on facebook having all the inside jokes with his new friends. Because he's apparently king of eating his words, he painfully took back everything he "hoped we'd still do" (love each other, chat, care packages etc) with this attitude like I should have known better than to think he'd want some mail-brownies.
Needless to say, I cut my own hair (actually it is super easy you guys).
I propose a temporary tattoo parlor so you can see exactly how you look with EXPECTO PATRONUM on your wrist for life.

Inkling

@Inkcrafter Uh oh @ timestamp. This is how I spend my nightmornings :'(

redheaded&crazy

@Inkcrafter EXPECTO PATRONUM! who wouldn't look good with that on their wrist for life!

Emily Miller@facebook

Just over 6 weeks ago I was planning a wedding. Then somewhere between The Man coming home on lunch and getting off work he decided it was over. He insisted that the pets we got together were his alone and yelled and threatened to the point that the cops were called. I ended up in an Econo Lodge for a week with 6 cats and a dog. Thank goodness my father cosigned for an apartment for us or I don't know where I would be. I'm in the process of going on disability so I have no income of my own but I have food and shelter. And the dumpsters have been nice and given me some furniture. It could be worse, but man, it could be better too.

Breakups suck and being blindsided sucks harder.
Oh, not an hour after I left the house he changed his facebook status. Then I got to see people cheering and talking about how horrible I was. Facebook also sucks

fareby_galore

my breakup story: memorial day weekend. one year anniversary the day after. meet for pho, he's acting strange. he wants to talk about the elephant in the room, which i was unaware of. at his friend's party last night (which i was not invited to), his friends needled his commitment/ex issues, and informed him that i was unimpressive and worth dumping. so? he attempts to dump me in the restaurant, which has already happened once in SAME RESTAURANT. i make him take me home, do it in my mom's parking lot (i was staying with her for the weekend), and proceed to howl and get totally beligerant on screwdrivers. fall asleep in the bathtub, drive home at 5am with ogre eyes. less impressive than all of these other lovely ladies with juiceboxes for boyfriends, but it stung.

Sierra

I want some "Between-meal snack pizzas, which are just regular size pizzas." also @AmeliaBadelia I'll be in the Boston area tomorrow... wish I had been at the boston meetup so we could have met and chilled! I hope this online support system of brake-up stories has helped you feel better.

Frog Doctress

Can I live in this bunker forever, since I am NEVER EVER having a boyfriend again (I'm not ruling out girlfriends. :))? I can make really good baklava... and margaritas.

thinkthinkthink

I had a terrible breakup about 9 months ago now. We were long-distance, and he was planning a career change. I went home to visit his family with him over Thanksgiving, and he talked about getting married. One week later, he declared that it was over. Two weeks later, he was with someone else.

I've noticed a striking similarity between mine and other stories:

(1) The guy begins talking about marriage/ring sizes/ the Next Big Step in commitment before the breakup,
(2) The guy is about to make a career change.

I'm particularly mystified by (1): why do these guys talk about this, only to break up with you a short time later? Is it that they hit a "now or never" false dichotomy in their heads?

(2) is also weird. I'm beginning to think that these men see the women in their lives as artifacts of a phase or certain job, and getting a new job necessitates getting a new girlfriend. Like clothes or something. So weird.

carolita

Unlimited sushi and facials were always my comforts of choice upon being dumped. Very pricey if you take a long time to get over a guy, though. And estheticians do get bored with the tears running down your mud mask. Tui Na massages are great for the recovery phase.

Ferrera Rochette

Ohhhh, I think I'm going to need this. We broke up six months ago and it broke me, and in between we've been hooking up, texting, Twitter stalking and weeping over each other. He's just said he might want to get back together, and despite the fact that I promised myself I wouldn't do it, I pretty much fell into his arms. Friendly advice has ranged from "follow your heart" to "Are you fricking CRAZY?!" And I'm half way between admitting I'm crazy, leaving the country and getting another tattoo and just weeping "but I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE him" and hiding under my hair. Bloody boys. Can I have infinity wine now?

sadiejo

@Ferrera Rochette Just registered so I could reply to this, because I am pretty sure you might be me. My ex (who I only actually dated for 3 weeks but "dated" for two years, and who repeatedly didn't tell me about other girls he was also "dating" or actually dating, for that matter, which even though we weren't officially together would have been nice to know) texted me the other night, in the wee hours, to tell me that he wanted to get back together, even though he knew it "was too late." And I should have said yes, of course it's too late you asshole, but instead replied that I would also like to get back together. But I haven't heard from him since, and because he was probably drunk, I likely just made an idiot of myself as usual and nothing will come of this (which is good, but also somehow not good? Because SOMEHOW it will be different this time, OBVIOUSLY). Anyway. I would like to share that infinity wine, is my point. Good luck to you.

redheadedtwit

@ejcsanfran In my worst breakup I lost 20 pounds in 2 months on a diet of granola bars (like two a day), coffee, and hysterical crying to No Doubt's "Don't Speak." Also paralyzing anxiety that I would run into the jerk-bag and the girl he left me for. I'm surprised my roommates didn't kill me. Fast forward a couple years and he is like "You were the only person in college that I ever truely connected with" and I'm like "Uhhh, ok?" So I guess the plan worked.

redheadedtwit

@ejcsanfran In my worst breakup I lost 20 pounds in 2 months on a diet of granola bars (like two a day), coffee, and hysterical crying to No Doubt's "Don't Speak." Also paralyzing anxiety that I would run into the jerk-bag and the girl he left me for. I'm surprised my roommates didn't kill me. Fast forward a couple years and he is like "You were the only person in college that I ever truely connected with" and I'm like "Uhhh, ok?" So I guess the plan worked.

redheadedtwit

@ejcsanfran In my worst breakup I lost 20 pounds in 2 months on a diet of granola bars (like two a day), coffee, and hysterical crying to No Doubt's "Don't Speak." Also paralyzing anxiety that I would run into the jerk-bag and the girl he left me for. I'm surprised my roommates didn't kill me. Fast forward a couple years and he is like "You were the only person in college that I ever truely connected with" and I'm like "Uhhh, ok?" So I guess the plan worked.

redheadedtwit

@ejcsanfran In my worst breakup I lost 20 pounds in 2 months on a diet of granola bars (like two a day), coffee, and hysterical crying to No Doubt's "Don't Speak." Also paralyzing anxiety that I would run into the jerk-bag and the girl he left me for. I'm surprised my roommates didn't kill me. Fast forward a couple years and he is like "You were the only person in college that I ever truely connected with" and I'm like "Uhhh, ok?" So I guess the plan worked.

thegirlwhowaited

@Katie Heaney can I stay in the breakup bunker if I was the one who did the breaking up? I ended my 2 year marriage last week because my husband is a manipulative, deceitful alcoholic that did everything that he could to undermine sense of sanity and worth. Despite being the person who pulled the plug, I want to sit in a deep dark hole. Please tell me there is space for me. (Also, I want the infinity wine, but considering my circumstance I think it may not be a good idea.)

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Can someone in the bunkers hide away all online reminders of his existence, without actually making me unfollow or unfriend him since apparently I can't do that and then re-follow or re-friend him, thus accepting his offer to "be friends" but apparently that makes me crazy.

Also, Hairpin, I love you and promise to stop whining about my breakup eventually.

lined

I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster Dr. More who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with their problems across the world so great spritspelltemple@yahoo.com, Please help me thank him for his great work in my life..

KensingtonSquare

Future residents will be able to walk to the existing Bartley MRT in the Circle Line. With such a short drive to the city area as well as the orchard and bugis area, entertainment for your love ones and family will come at a stone’s throw away. new launch

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