Friday, September 9, 2011


Bones, I Can't Stop

There is an exception to the trepanning rule! Sometimes, if there's a hole and someone says wait, I'm not sure that's a bullet hole...it's a sternal foramen.

I actually knew that, from Aaron Elkins. Whatever (dusts off nails against chest, airily.)

Oh, and in this case? It meant that the girl THOUGHT she was killing her dad's barely-legal girlfriend, but it was actually his love child. In other words, her own half-sister. PATHOS.

Things That Are Growing On Me:

Emily Deschanel. I know they have her do stupid stuff, like say "fornication," even though it's not at all plausible that anyone, however "I can read bones but I can't read people," would say "fornication," but her in that Wonder Woman Halloween costume? Kind of adorable. And not like Zooey-adorable, where it's I'M GOING TO GET ADORABLE AND POP OFF ON YOUR FACE.

Things That Make Me Sad:

David Boreanaz, why you have to cheat on your wife with Rachel Uchitel? I wouldn't ordinarily care, but your characters are all so...relentlessly loyal and upstanding, except when they lose their souls after sexing Buffy. It just bums a girl out.

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Fake-murder-shows seem to absolutely fucking love the secret half-sibling murders. If they're not jealously murdering each other because DON'T TOUCH MY DAD YOU WHORE, they're being murdered to cover up DON'T TOUCH YOUR SISTER YOU HE-WHORE.

Also, they will never, ever have Emily Deschanel stop doing stupid stuff. Ever.


@everyone Do any of the secret-half-sibling murders ever involve the half-brother (if there is one) buying it? I can't think of any that don't have the Very Inconvenient Mistress getting corpse-dumped to protect the Favorite Son from banjo-music-based insults or the Saintly Mother from being very disappointed.


Don't stop with the Bones, ever! Love it


@coupdefoudre You too, Coup.


Keep it up with the Bones posts, Missy, and you're looking at a month without Internet privileges.


Withdrawn because your post led me to the Wikipedia article on Rachel Uchitel, and It. Was. Fascinating.

Knickers Up, Kettle On

@melis - What do you think about her 'I'm almost happy' quote in NY Post? Horribly miscalculated, but I have to feel for the girl. It, and her subsequent actions, make her sound so famewhorish - but I could see being ten years later being 'I'm fine. Haha different life. That would be 'awful'.'


@Tits McGee I think that I am going to let that particular sitting duck be. Sit on, duck. Sit on.


Since you posted about a sternum, and it's Friday, can I tell a long story that has a sternum at the end? I figure these Bones posts are now pretty much open threads, right?


@Ophelia I could probably tell you a really long story about watching Bones that ends with me pouting because sternal foramina run in my family, and it's not weird, dammit.

Thouh how tv-doctors are supposed to be confused by holes that are clearly not injuries or have already healed for any length of time is beyond me. Didn't they read the script?


@wharrgarbl From their delivery of some of these lines, I think they dont' get the script until 30 seconds before each scene...


@Ophelia Oh god. It's like a cinema-verite version of tv crime drama staged by a supervillainesque producer, isn't it? They get two lines of script at a time and are fumbling with props going "Hodgins sees a hole in the skull...It's a bullet hole! Right? No? Please don't shock me! I'll guess better next time! Trepanation? Is that a thing? Somebody get me a National Geographic! Please just let us go, we won't tell anyone, we swear, you murderous lunatic!"






The cognitive dissonance is very frustrating. I just keep telling myself that I have a crush on Seeley Booth the character, NOT on David Boreanaz.

I feel the same way about Fox Mulder/David Duchovney.


@yrouttasight Aww man, agree so much!! I refuse to associate the two! Seeley is amazing..David, kinda a douche!!


@yrouttasight YES! To both Davids. If it ever comes out that Nathan Fillion is a secret douche I will probably just give up on life. I mean, TV.


Nicole, I don't watch Bones and I'm too lazy to create an account on the Awl, so I came here to tell you that your first remembered scene from Hollywood Wives is also my first remembered scene, and that I will never, ever forget that Elaine (the Elephant woman) had chipped nail polish when she and her estranged husband did it.


Emily: the Deschanel we can almost kinda like...but not like-like.

alice b. tchotchke

@parallel-lines oh I like-like her. She's like Zooey but self-aware...or at least like, that's what I like to think. If, like, you know what I mean?

tiny dancer

Does Bones have any redemptive qualities if one is not a big fan of DB? He always seemed kind of boring or douchey to me. And his weird hairline is distracting. I loved Buffy, but was glad when he left and I watched Angel patiently waiting for Spike to show. Give me Spike any day! Or Wesley.


@tiny dancer I am honestly fond of the show, but I can't explain why, because it is pretty much non-stop "hahaha what? no, really, wtf guys?". The only thing they consistently get points for is acknowledging that dead bodies stink, which is something tv shows generally don't bother with since remote audiences are reduced to visual and auditory cues.


@wharrgarbl Ditto. And the fact that at least one of the writers loves bugs.


@tiny dancer It depends what you're into. I didn't like DB to begin with. But if you like such things as overprotective G-Men sticking guns into people mouths and vowing to hunt them down if they ever so much as look at their partner again (because of all the unresolved sexual tension), then there's that. And I will watch hours of terrible acting and plot inconsistencies for the 30 seconds where I go SQUEEEEEEEEE.


@OMGSammiches I thought he did that because of all the unresolved PTSD and survivor's guilt? Kind of like how pretty much everything Brennan does in the first two seasons is because of unresolved fosterkiditis. She can't love because dead parents. He loves too much because no man left behind.


@wharrgarbl That too, but, also because he wants to bone her so hard.


@OMGSammiches That time she looked at his x-rays and was talking about old injuries and he was all "please stop looking at my x-rays why couldn't you just sneak a quick look under the sheets while I was out like a normal crazy person." (Hint: Because dead parents.)

Stella Potato

As I was watching this episode yesterday, I thought to myself: Man, I hope someone writes about this on the Hairpin after the whole trepanning thing.

After much thought, I'v decided that Emily D., Angela and Hodgins are primarily what keep me around. The Brennan character is mostly insufferable, but she's so pretty and always seems like fun when she and Seeley are pretending to be some weird Russian circus couple (or weird Vegas couple, etc.)

I read that the lady who plays Angela and Emily D. are best friends in real life and that made me so happy. They have the best necklaces.


@Stella Potato YES! All of the weird role-playing episodes + the episode where Booth is unconscious and they're all characters in a nightclub? Those are the best.




Okay, so serious question. Based on people talking about Kathy Reichs and her books last Bones-thread, I asked my library for Deja Dead. And I feel like her similes are like...like appliques, inexpertly but lovingly sewn on the frock of a girl just about to start middle school and so insecure about her freckles that it's actually really kind of distracting from the text. Is she going to keep doing this? Is she going to stop doing this, but at a point unreasonably far into her writing-future?


@wharrgarbl I agree with you, like a jury agrees that although the felon with a prior history of violence is a likely suspect, they just don't have any evidence to convict: reluctantly, but fully.

Perhaps she's going for an accidental Bulwer-Lytton win?


@Ophelia I hope so. There would at least be a point to that.

I want to like this book, but this book is making it a little hard for me to like this book. It probably doesn't help that I am also reading a book that is easily liked, and the comparison is not favorable. Maybe I should read the first few pages of that awful Castle tie-in book that somebody really sat down and wrote before trying again.

Nicole Cliffe

I'm a sucker for tie-ins. My parents didn't let me watch "My So-Called Life" so I read a novelization at a bookstore and successfully faked familiarity with the show for the next decade. True story.


@Nicole Cliffe This tie-in is just so bad, though. I checked out the first chapter thinking "How bad could it possible be, I'm sure they hired a competent ghost-writer to knock this sucker out, it's not super-hard to do a by-the-numbers thriller." And? It turns out that I was wrong.

cashmere velvet candy cane

@wharrgarbl I tried to read her YA book where Brennan's niece turns into a crime-fighting werewolf, because how could I NOT read that, but I just couldn't finish it. Her writing really irks me.


Not sure if this is the wisest or safest place to say it, but I feel guilty for how much Zooey Deschanel irritates the fuck out of me. That it says way more about me than I would like. I don't know. She is the opposite of a guilty pleasure - she is a guilty loathing.

As for Bones party, I came late, and only because the person I live with sort of likes it. I like Emily, and I am over my frustration that one of the women (Angela, I think) - her teeth don't fit her mouth. As for DB, well, I was always a Spike girl anyway.


@karion Oh, I am so right there with you on the Zooey front. So twee, and frolicking in cotton, and vegan and GAH!!! My husband is now totally trained to turn the channel if she ever pops up on the screen.

Ham Snadwich

um, "pop off on your face?"


I would WAY rather "Bone" Emily than Zooey any day. She's the bomb! Also, I love Bones. They love the holidays for excuses to put Emily in sexy outfits (like the Wonder Woman one)


Angela is weird and too nice/cutesy for my taste, but I put up with her story line because of Hodgins. It is also hilarious, as a graphic designer, to see how they spin her job/persona as the "artist." Clearly that is the reason she is so into promiscuous sex, right?

Also, watching too much Bones recently, combined with seeing too many pictures of Zooey's hair, has given me an uncontrollable urge to tell my coworkers that there is no way all of Zooey's hair is real. I mean, 75% of it has to be fake.

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