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Thursday, September 22, 2011

14

An Interview With the Satellite Hurtling Toward Earth

An out-of-control American satellite (an Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite — UARS) is due to hit the planet tomorrow. We caught up with it for a quick chat.

The Hairpin: What's up!

Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite: AaaaaaAaAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TH: Wait, I didn't catch that!

UARS: WhaaaAAAAAAAAAA

TH: Where are you going to hit Earth?!

UARS: I don't know!

TH: Are you scared?

UARS: Extremely. I don't want to hurt anyone or break anything; I feel like I failed. I did fail. I failed.

TH: Nooo, I'm sure everything will be OK!

UARS: Will it?

TH: I mean, I don't know. Or it won't be OK, and that'll be OK in its way, too. I don't know!

UARS: Right, exactly. Who knows. I just keep thinking about it nonstop, envisioning all sorts of horrible stuff. I can't even tell you.

TH: You can tell me.

UARS: I don't want to.

TH: OK. They're saying you won't hit North America. Is that weird, since you're American?

UARS: I guess. That logic could go both ways, though. For instance, if you had to do it, would you kill your own parents or kill a stranger's parents? Morally.

TH: Oh, god.

UARS: I think morally the right answer, if there is one, is to kill your own parents. Although clearly I can't do that. Not that I'm necessarily going to kill anyone.

TH: Well.

UARS: "Well." Yes, well. That's probably all there is to be said, so let's leave it at that. OK here I goooOOOOO AGAINNNNNNNN. SEE YOU TOMOOORRROWWWWW.



14 Comments / Post A Comment

Lauren Hayden

If this post wasn't inspired by Sifl & Olly I'm going to be very disappointed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyOGwCjyOW0 (skip to 3:30)

schadenfraulein

@Lauren Hayden Hah! I thought the exact same thing! <3

laurel

"I'm on time in ways you could never understand."

julia

I love these too much.

Anna Marquardt

These are my favoritest.

one cow.

Poor Neil! They really let him have it at the end of that newscast. His face! It makes me so sad. I will look up into the sky with you, Neil!

wallsdonotfall

No, UARS, you didn't fail! You did great! I mean, I probably couldn't have mapped global chlorofluorocarbon distribution in the upper atmosphere, but you were awesome. We all have our strengths, you know? So don't feel too bad. Uh, about your success, I mean. Everything dies. :(

Hero of the Beach

Oh my god, THAT POOR SATELLITE. I hope it's okay! :O :O :O

Cawendaw

The next time I call my parents, I'll reassure them that if I am ever hurtling toward the Earth, I won't aim for them.

homotextual

please please do more of these, it's bringing me back to a happier time.

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