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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

519

Amusingly Horrible Things Significant Others Have Said: The Bracket

Significant others sometimes say amazing things, so we asked you to anonymously pass along the best you've heard, and we made it into a tournament. An impartial judge picked the "winners."

1. "You are so much like my ex-wife. Except not Asian, or hot, or tall, or smart, or funny."

2. [Whenever we would cuddle, my boyfriend at the time would lift my shirt up slightly, smush my belly together, and sing:] "Spongebob Square Flab."

3. “Asking me to give up cocaine is like asking me to give up TV. If I walked into a room where all of my friends were watching TV, would you expect me to just turn around and leave?”

4. [On declaring I would be Dorothy when identifying who would be what Golden Girl, my girlfriend says:] "Because you're always the undesirable."

5. "You're always nagging me and making me feel like some terrible, lazy person. And I'm not — all I want is a job where I can show up hung over any time I want, with no consequences."

6. "There's a show pony, with a trimmed mane and braided tail, and then there's a wild horse running though a prairie. You're like that horse. I mean, there's supermodels, and then there's dirt." [And I am like dirt?] "Yeah." [We are no longer together.]

7. [We'd been married for 12 years and were living 200 miles apart due to job transfers. I was upset that he didn't get me a gift on Valentine's Day.] "I shouldn't have to work for you — you're my wife." [Clarification: now I'm his ex-wife.]

8. [My ex-boyfriend, upon our breakup:] "It's not that you're not attractive. You're really hot. But I'm just not attracted to your personality." [Note that he said this as if I should be relieved.]

9. [Shortly after we were married my husband told me that he'd never wanted to marry a beautiful woman because she would attract too much attention, so I:] "truly fit the bill."

10. "Being friends with you is too much like dating you. I think we need to stop talking to each other." [Said over AIM three months after break up, six states away, and five minutes after I told him I was pregnant.]

11. [Boyfriend of three years, when I was crying hysterically because I had just found out my mother was on a life-support machine across the country and I was asking him to come home and comfort me:] "Well, what good would me coming home do? You're just going to cry. I'm drinking with my friends, I haven't seen them in a while." [A while = two weeks.]

12. "You know why you're never going to be in a healthy relationship? Because you're selfish. And you keep wearing wedges. No wonder you can't make anything last."

13. [As we were walking the dogs one night, my husband cheerfully announced:] "You know if it wasn't for you[r Eating Disorder therapy], I'd be shopping for a new car right now."

14. "Why are you so upset? Is this because I've dated girls hotter than you?"

15. [Two years into our relationship] “I thought this would work out, but you are just better at [shared career], and I realized I can’t stand it when a woman is more successful than me.”

16. [We're sprawled out drunk in the living room, after a pool party where several adorable babies had been present.] Him (pouting): "I want a baby." Me: "Awww, that's cute." Him: "Not with you, though. I need someone who will balance out my genes."

17. "It was last night when I was playing the keyboard with my band, stuffing my face full of greasy Chinese food and drinking so much whiskey I was on the floor and couldn't move ... I realized I would so much rather do this than spend time with you." [Parting words, care of my last boyfriend.]

18. "I'm only half sorry." [Every single time he told a black joke in my presence ... I'm half black.]

19. "I didn't call you for a month because [big shrug] ... New York."

20. "I love you so much that if the hottest girl in the world asked me on a date I'd say 'hell ... yes.'"

21. [I'm 17, it's my first time taking my pants off with a guy.] "Oh. Uh. ... I think I have some scissors."

22. [Ex-husband:] "It's like you're a trophy! I mean, not that you're a trophy ..."

23. [After helping to zip up the back of a too-small strapless sample sale dress that I purchased without trying on first] "Haha, your back looks like an ass!"

24. "No, my mom just thinks you're really low-maintenance. You know, because the last few girls I've dated have all been models, and you're ... not."

25. "Sorry, I'm too tired for sex ... but I'm not too tired for a blowjob!"

26. "I have to have a movie on at night, or else I can't fall asleep because I start thinking about all the horrible things I've done in my life, like that time I held up those people at gunpoint for money to buy heroin."

27. "I wonder when you're going to start actually looking pregnant. You just keep getting wider."

28. "You know, your face still looks OK." [Very, very pregnant.]

29. [Shortly after our (contentious and mean) breakup, an ex-boyfriend said to me:] "If we had still been together when you turned 40, I was going to ask you to marry me." [I think I might have snort-laughed and replied "And second prize is TWO weeks in Toronto." Just to make it sadder and funnier, I was probably only 36 or 37 when we split up!]

30. [After explaining to my ex-boyfriend that I was breaking up with him] "I don't think so, let's just play it by ear."

31. [Messing around in bed] "YOU'RE SO MUSHY!!! I LOOOOVE IT!"

32. "You're sexy because you're so smart." [I had just taken off my clothes.]

Previously: Amusingly Horrible Things Moms Have Said.

Next: Amusingly Horrible Things Bosses Have Said: The Bracket. Please submit!

519 Comments / Post A Comment

gimlet

Okay okay okay, this is maybe not soul-searingly awful, but it's amusing in hindsight at least:

"You know, I ... I think you're a little too delicate to watch The Wire."

Fuck you, asshole ex-boyfriend. Fuck you and then get you got and then leave your body in the vacants.

Bebe

@gimlet I had a boyfriend who, while I was breaking up with him, told me that I reminded him of the Cat Stevens song "It's a Wild World." I just sort of half smiled and nodded, since you know, I was the dumper and wanted to be gentle. Then I listened to the song - "I hope you make a lot of new friends out there/I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear," "It's hard to get by just upon a smile" and "I'll always remember you like a child" were the lines that filled me with RAGE. It was probably the strongest emotion he ever made me feel, which was why I was dumping him in the first place.

So, fuck all the exes who think we are "delicate." Condescending pricks.

Tabitha Russell

@gimlet I had an ex give me a mix one time that included (among nice, cute songs!) "Can't Decide" by Black Flag. which, in hindsight, was pretty much him trying to tell me "I want to break up with you but I'm a boring hipster with existential problems and can't explain why I'm doing this!" without actually saying it. he broke up with me (at 2am on a Tuesday) shortly thereafter. thanks for ruining that black flag song for me, jagoff.

John W

@gimlet First mixtape from her into our relationship? "Divorce Song" by Liz Phair.

throwaway style

@John W ha! First song on first mixtape from him: "Fuck and Run"

sparrow303

@gimlet I got "Terminally Ambivalent Over You" by Real Tuesday Weld. In retrospect, a red flag the size of the sun.

mirror_father_mirror

@John W I got one from my high school boyfriend with "I Don't Love Anyone" by Belle and Sebastien on it. You know, "I don't love anyone/ but you're not listening"...that one.

Mila

@mirror_father_mirror Ha! That reminds me of an ex many years ago who was telling me about how messed up he was from his relationship with me. He said "I just don't think it is possible that I will ever have feelings for anyone again." "Uh...what about me?" Him: Shrugs.

sceps yarx

@gimlet Oh man, I think I'M too delicate to watch The Wire. That shit is way harsh! It kinda makes me wanna run back to Korean drama land.

confirmedspinster

@gimlet My ex told me that Ani DiFranco's "Untouchable Face" always reminded him of me. Poor guy.

kitkat

@gimlet My ex played "Closer To The Edge" by Thirty Seconds to Mars to me and said its lyrics ("I will never regret/I will live my life") justified his decision to cheat on me and then date that girl and me at the same time. Astonishingly, we dated for another year after that.

theharpoon

@throwaway style @John W I beat y'all because, my ex made me listen to 'Flower' with him, before we ever dated. Then after we broke up (a long time after) I made him sing "Fuck and Run' with me at karaoke. To his credit, he willingly agreed.

Anonymous@twitter

My story with began, I loved my my boyfriend so much but he never loved me rather he travelled with another girl to unknown destination, I was all over the internet trying to find who could help me out with my situation but no results at all or little signs, I have to admit I was about to give up on him, then one day I was making a search on a google i found dr.marnish@yahoo.com in the internet where he had helped many girls who had the same issue with me, when i contacted him he said he will help me and just as he said after But 3 days after the the spell was done, I received an email from my boyfriend and that’s when things really changed he stopped his bad habit, We came back together and I was astounded because so many say they are the best but can't back it. but dr.marnish really surprised me with his spell, i want to testify today about the seriousness of dr marnish

sarahchristine

Yikes, glad I didn't know about this beforehand or I would have swept the competition. Many bon mots such as, "My mother thinks you drink too much." [But she's never been around me drinking...] "Oh well she doesn't think I should drink so I told her I only do when you're around."

OR: Me "I think my goal will be to lose 15lbs." Him "You really should shoot for 40."

Oh so many more... Dudes who say #25 deserve zero blowjobs for at least a month.

brista128

@sarahchristine #25 is a common one, I think. And your suggested remedy is the right way to go.

leonstj

@brista128 - I may or may not have said something along the lines of #25 when I was a young'un....

My first sexytime lady friend (she was older/more experienced than I) was over, and it was the night I thought it was FINALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. She explained that, no, it was her time of the month, and she didn't want that to be my first experience.

I decided that this was fair, but suggested that it wouldn't be a bad time for my first blowjob.

I thought I was brilliant, because this appeared to work. Until I was left with...unfinished business...and she decided she'd rather just cuddle. It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.

Years after we'd stopped dating (I remain friends with ex's, but the "talk once a year on the phone" kind, which I guess is good?) she confirmed that yes, this was intentional and punishment for being an asshole.

Now that I'm older too...I have to admit, she was pretty fuckin' rad.

janedonuts

@brista128 yeah, i was thinking that pretty much every man has tried that at some point or another, like it is so funny!

thebestjasmine

@leon.saintjean Um, that's awesome.

JoshUng

@sarahchristine Despite it never working in the history of ever, I think pretty much any guy who has asked that was thinking "ok, this will be the one time it works."

Some call it being an asshole, I like to think it as "optimistic."

confirmedspinster

@leon.saintjean Last night the sweetiepie and I had some potato egg salad that gave us horrible, horrible farts. After a long night of farting and stinking and talking about disgusting things like we always do, he asked me if I wanted to give him a blowjob. I was like, seriously? After all of that? I am feeling less amorous than I ever have in my life. I know he was kidding and just did it to bug me, but wow.

alliepants

@sarahchristine hahah I always get #25?

One time I got: "You know, you're going to need to work a little bit harder to seduce me." I just burst out laughing and called him a dick. Response: "No, you know, where's the lingerie and cat moves??" (note: still unclear what the hell a 'cat move' is) So I obliged by ignoring him for a while, which is the ultimate cat move.

paper bag princess

And I thought getting dumped over Facebook chat was bad. (The actual words he used weren't as bad as any of this........but Facebook chat?? Seriously???)

gimlet

@lizzle Oh man, I got dumped over gchat once! UGH. UGH. UGH. That shit is just cowardly.

VendingMachine

@gimlet @lizzle I got dumped over iChat, after being told I was insensitive.

solidgold

@lizzle I can affirm that getting dumped over Facebook chat IS bad. It doesn't matter what the dumper says. It still sucks.

paper bag princess

@solidgold Although honestly, I'm glad he did it that way because it didn't make me want him back AT ALL. It's much easier to make a clean break when the other party is a dickwad.

so what?

@lizzle @VendingMachine i got dumped over ichat, too! what is with these dudes?! although i didn't really care very much, as i was planning to break up with him, but, you know, IN PERSON.

Two-Headed Girl

@lizzle I got dumped in a Facebook message! At the time it was The Worst Thing, but now I just laugh. Submitting it to Lamebook so all the world could witness his poor grammar and spelling also helped.

RachelTheC

@lizzle that was mine! i was the one that was un-friend-ed(?) over aol instant messenger! gah! it was so awful!

muralgirl

@lizzle My long distance boyfriend of SIX YEARS (only 1.5 long distance - before that we had lived together for 3) broke up with me via MSN Messenger. He refused to even call me to talk about it, much less come see me, because it would be "too hard".

Elizabeth Edwards@facebook

@paper bag princess Happened to me too!

Megatron

Is it wrong I'm sad that neither one of my submissions was picked?

noblowjobs

Please note that 24, 25, and 26 are all the same guy! And that I have created a fake account just because I think people I know are aware of my real one.

And that we are no longer dating.

punkahontas

@noblowjobs Wow! I think you might have won the bracket without actually holding the number one spot. But really, you win because you are no longer dating that dude.

noblowjobs

@punkahontas Thank you!! I agree, obviously. But the weirdest part of the whole thing is that when we were dating, all of our friends would be like "you guys are the perfect couple, you can NEVER BREAK UP!" And then he broke up with me, in a totally juiceboxy way, surprise surprise!

rebecca@twitter

This makes me feel better about the fact that I recently got dumped with the line, "you're perfect for me but sometimes I just can't, you know, face you".

deb
deb

@rebecca@twitter oh fuck me. that one. that is a fancy one.

likethestore

"I'm not into too skinny chicks." (his attempt at a compliment?)

youresmalltime

I am pretty sure 19 sums up like eight years of my life.

insouciant

@youresmalltime I totally got Julie-Taylored when an bf moved from our middle of nowhere to NYC. What is it about that place? Total blackhole.

Ideal Impulse

"You know who you kinda look like? Have you ever seen that mug shot of James Brown?"

franzia

HOOO BOY #10. the age of serious conversations over AIM. that, and when your stalker leaves you 77 away messages.

also, I think I'm most like one of those Irish Bog ponies...not manicured, or wild and free, but small and slow, and most useful for hauling peat.

Mingus_Thurber

@franzia Thank you. If anybody ever asks me to describe myself again, I will say, "I am like unto the legendary Irish Bog Pony, suckah!"

pterodactgirl

@franzia I do not understand how #10 did not win. Although #6 is terrible too. They're all pretty terrible.

If I had to pick one of my own it would have to be: "I didn't realize it (my moving across the country to live with him) was going to make it so...serious." Said while breaking up with me. After I had you know, moved across the country to be with him (at his invitation! after much prompting! and many serious conversations!) Gah.

Bog ponies forever though.

lindsey@twitter

WHAT'S WRONG WITH WEDGES?!?!?

DorothyMantooth

@lindsey@twitter Wedges are fabulous!
Also, we should take into account that men have no idea what shoes are actually called. My husband once called a pair of clogs "kitten heels." (My husband is adorable.)

Tammy Pajamas

@lindsey@twitter A dude once told me that guys like wedges. But I think guys like long (looking) legs too, so F 'em!

Edith Zimmerman

@DorothyMantooth Ahhh <3

punkahontas

@lindsey@twitter My husband doesn't like wedges (or clogs), but he can cram it, and he knows this.

Megasus

@lindsey@twitter I CAN'T WEAR WEDGES ANYMORE AND I JUST GOT AWESOME WEDGE SANDALS LAST YEAR THAT I CAN NEVER WEAR SOMEONE CONSOLE ME /sob

Bebe

@Tammy Pajamas My husband likes wedges but only because they allow me to wear a heel (I love a good heel) and also to stand, walk, and move like a human being without complaining that my feet hurt every 10 seconds.

carolita

@DorothyMantooth My boyfriend once looked at a pair of really expensive booties I'd bought that I ws worried about wearing because they made my feet look a little big (extended toe box), and said, "Those look like a pair of bol weevils, you know, with that bulbous toe." I didn't wear those shoes for ten years! But I win, because ten years later, they were brand new, and nobody else had them, and I get complimented on them all the time now. Bol weevils, really? This is what I get for dating a guy from the Carolinas. Anyway, that was one of the nicer things he ever said! He was always calling me stupid and telling me I didn't know how to put a sentence together. And I always thought he was pulling my leg! That was the story of my life for a while: dating guys who I thought were funny because I thought they were pulling my leg all the time, but they turned out to be serious. Because I could never really believe anyone would say stuff like that and mean it. They HAD to be ironic. Nope!

themegnapkin

@carolita One of my exes did kind of the same thing - he'd say stuff like, "good thing I don't like you for your brains!", or "nobody said you were the sharpest tack in the box!". Joking-like, like he's 1) complimenting my looks, or 2) being affectionate, b/c he liked me despite my limitations. Juice box, I'm smarter than you! And I make more money! (Which doesn't matter to me, but it makes me happy that I think it matters to him. Ha!)

sevanetta

@Megan Patterson@facebook Can you do what I do and wear them sitting down? I will only wear heels if I can walk barefoot to the car, sit in the car barefoot, put on heels to walk to restaurant/show, sit there with shoes on all evening, walk back to car, take shoes off...

amitygardens@twitter

@carolita I think that men tend to be assholes anywhere, although I've dated my share of them who lived in N. Carolina because they attract them like crazy.

Megasus

@lindsey@twitter I literally cannot do this because the reason I can't wear them is because my foot is falling apart and it can break if I walk barefoot. I CAN'T EVEN GO BAREFOOT.

KatPruska

@Megan Patterson@facebook I am so late to this thread, but I just wanted to say, ME EITHER AND I HATE IT SO MUCH. My feet were already big and wide, so wev, I don't have a delicate lady foot. But now I have custom orthotics, and instructions to not go barefoot ever again, and adorable shoes are not allowed and I'm not even 30 (I find myself saying that a bunch since turning 29) and god this is such a first world problem. Fuckin' feet, how do they work??

SpaceKace

@carolita OMG, this. I'm just extricating myself from one of these entanglements where I assumed he was just being sarcastic in his dark humor. "It's a shame you're not prettier..." "Nice dress. Did you get that from Fashion Bug? Are you going to paint with all the colors of the wind?" "Are you going to go eat your feelings now?" Sadly, I haven't learned much, as he's not the first man in my life to "offer" to push me down the stairs in case of accidental pregnancy.

frangipanties

@Xanthophyllippa thank you for that. Microaggressions. Wow.

DianaPrince

@DorothyMantooth A while ago my boyfriend learned the word "espadrilles" and now when I wear any sandal he likes to ask if they are espadrilles. They are never espadrilles, because I do not own any.

DorothyMantooth

@xx-xx-xx Aww, but I love the effort he's making! "Espadrille" is a very adventurous word!

Tammy Pajamas

@xx-xx-xx That is incredibly adorable!

Irma Vep

"I just feel like I can't trust anyone right now." - offered as rationale for breakup by boyfriend who dumped me to date some other chick he had already been fooling around with, as I later found out.

meganmaria

@Irma Vep My ex told me "I don't have time for a relationship" when his schedule consisted of going to school part time, working part time and going to the gym. Less than a week later, he started dating a chick he worked with. She ended up fucking a mutual friend of theirs. HA!

fareby_galore

@Irma Vep An ex of mine used this line for a break. I'd like to know what makes someone untrustworthy when they haven't done anything o.o

laurel

@Irma Vep: Because he's untrustworthy, he imagines everyone else is too. He will never know true love.

VendingMachine

From my now ex-husband, when I told him I was going through post-partum depression and needed therapy: "How much is that going to cost?"

LolaLooksFrench

"Are you still with that guy?" "Yes." "It's funny, he looks just like me."

brooklebee

@LolaLooksFrench I've gotten that one! My reply: "Yeah, but he's better in bed and smarter to boot! Looks like I lucked out."

I was so proud of myself for this one, because I never think of the perfect thing to say until much later.

deb
deb

"I don't really subscribe to the idea of marriage because I think in our lifetime we REALLY WILL be able to live forever. So ya, know, I can't really be married to you FOREVER, (ya, know if forever is real)."

Which, fair enough. Samesies.

Bittersweet

#21 reminds me that I've been out of the dating pool for 20 years, and sometime during those two decades, apparently, pubic hair has been prohibited.

madge

@Bittersweet what is that about/kids these days/etc.

queenofbithynia

@Bittersweet Is THAT what that one meant? I was horrified but scared to ask what it was all about.

janedonuts

@Bittersweet it sure has.

Bittersweet

@queenofbithynia: It BETTER be what that one meant.

Snood Mood

@queenofbithynia Hah! I thought he was offering to cut her out of her pants, implying they were too tight. As lady who lets her lady-hair run free, I am SO glad I don't have to deal with today's dating scene.

ormaisonogrande

@queenofbithynia I also did not understand. I was like, were her pants too tight and he couldn't get them off??? What is going here? I kind of prefer my former oblivion.

jenergy

@Bittersweet THANK YOU for clearing that up. I've also been out of the dating pool for a couple decades... and I had, like, no idea what that meant.

Nicole Cliffe

@jenergy Edith and I shrieked back and forth about this one for about ten minutes.

atipofthehat

@Nicole Cliffe

Who won?

becky@twitter

i'm going to make shirts that say, "i'm the dorothy." maybe #4 just had an affinity for light gray and rose colored combination pantsuits or shoulder pads or a rapier wit?

emilylou

I think #3 is the funniest... not the horriblest, but the funniest. I appreciate the "logic."

#6, so weird, to first be compared to a majestic mustang, untamed and free... which sounded like a compliment (who wouldn't want to be a wild mustang over a prissy domesticated showpony?) but then bringing "supermodels vs dirt" into it... wtf.

franceschances

@emilylouise Yeah being the wild horse is clearly superior. That guy was clearly just an idiot.

scully

@franceschances Or super, super high.

Mary Miller

"I hope you like the Garden Botanika gift pack I got you. I really wanted to get you some new loungewear so you'd stop wearing those godawful sweats."--this is paraphrased, but the part that has stuck with me for over 10 years is "those godawful sweats." The dude is no longer in my life obviously but I do have a newer version of the same godawful sweats!

CyberAly

@Mary Miller Ooooh, Garden Botanika! I used to love love LOVE that place! Do they still exist?

oh nice

[Upon running into a very recent ex at a train station:] "Don't I still owe you money for those concert tickets? [opens wallet full of cash, hands me $60] Do you feel like a prostitute right now?"

and:

"Get this, [our friend] was looking at pictures on Facebook & said you looked like you'd lost weight. Then I saw that it was actually a picture of your sister."

paper bag princess

@oh nice I hope you punched him in the face. And kept the money.

Ophelia

@lizzle Or just stole his wallet.

lalaladododo

@oh nice I just got dumped by my very first boyfriend in June. He came over and I had no idea what was coming, so I gave him $20 I owed him for a replacement computer charger he had INSISTED on buying for me (while making it clear he expected reimbursement). He said, "oh, I totally forgot about this," pocketed it, and then bruttally dumped me. It was super fun!

tealily

@oh nice My first boyfriend dumped me when I went over to his house one day while he was sick. I made him dinner. He asked me to buy him milk, so I went out and did that. And then he dumped me. F**ker.

lalaladododo

@lalaladododo I just want to make it clear that my misspelling of "brutally" in this comment haunts me to this day, that is all.

Flackette

From my personal files: "Sorry I didn't call you. I moved to Indiana."

Ophelia

@Flackette Sweartogod, I have had the exact same conversation.

karion

"I can't believe you picked this hospital."

--said bedside to me, as I was resting and recovering after a miscarriage.

likethestore

@karion Wowww. That is absolutely the winner.

elizabeast

@karion Can I personally kick that guy in the balls?

atipofthehat

@karion

Awful. So sorry.

christonacracker

"Standing from a normal distance you look pretty average. But if you get up real close *zooms up 2 inches from my face* it's like, oh yeah, she's kinda pretty."

TheBelleWitch

@christonacracker Oh, man, yeah, the backhanded compliment. My great-aunts lettered in that shit (Hairpin, I need an Amusingly Horrible Things German Great-Aunts Have Said bracket!).

On that note, a high-school boyfriend that I'd gotten semi-nude with said to me, "You know, I thought you were fat. But actually now that I see your stomach, it's pretty flat."

Hot Doom

@christonacracker Ahhh, nice. Mine was "Of course you don't look fat! You look good. I wouldn't date you if you were fat."

Megan W. Moore

I am pretty sure that, "My father said that Shixas are for practice" was the worst, ever.

TheRisottoRacket

@Megan W. Moore In vein of dating Jewish guys, "yeah, my parents don't like you. Especially my mom. ESPECIALLY my mom." Dude told me this after I'd met his parents once and was about to meet his entire family at his cousin's bar mitzvah. ACK!

GailPink

@Megan W. Moore I have heard this one.

Bebe

@ratchet "My mom is coming to visit, but I haven't told her about you. It's better if we just don't talk until she leaves. Unless you think you could pass for Jewish?" Sigh. It's too bad, too, because he was hot. Curse you, hot Jewish men!

TheRisottoRacket

@Bebe Ah yes, this! That's why his parents didn't like me. His dad was at least polite when I would see them, but his mom was SO passive-aggressive. I still cringe when I think of some of things she said to me, and the things he told me she said to him in private (why he would tell me this stuff, I don't know!)

I was always so surprised by this, because 1) I was a baby 19 year old who hadn't dated that much, and 2) I didn't think anyone cared about that stuff?

More battenburg, vicar?

From my (in his 40's at the time) ex after 3 years of relationship: "I don't want people to think I'm the bad guy for breaking up with you, so I'm just going to be horrible to you until you can't stand it any longer and break up with me". What a sweetheart.

rayray

I love your name.

More battenburg, vicar?

@rayray Thank you rayray! I think it says 'Brit who loves cheap cake'. Which I am.

rayray

@More battenburg, vicar? ME TOO. Which is why I like your name! Battenburg FTW.

More battenburg, vicar?

@rayray Yay! Hello fellow cake-loving Brit :-) Posh cake is fine (I've been known to bake Italian dark chocolate and chestnut cake from a Nigella recipe for example), but I was raised on battenburg, Eccles cakes etc and tend to revert to type. Probably why I married Mr Battenburg - he wooed me with Soreen malt loaf.

rayray

@More battenburg, vicar? (Was totally gonna put this last time but figured it wasn't relevant but screw it now we're talking about cake) Me and my friends in 6th form had Cake Friday and had a whole Charter of Cake with rules, which included a stipulation that the cake be homemade unless un-recreatable at home without considerable effort, and if the bought version was suitably awesome. So basically it had to be homemade unless it was battenburg. Also are you making a funny or are you seriously married to a dude whose surname is Battenburg? If yes, JEALOUS.

More battenburg, vicar?

@rayray Your 'Charter of Cake' sounds fabulous - if I ever form a band, that's what we're going to be called, for sure! Tragically, Mr Battenburg is not his real name - it would be beyond cool, wouldn't it? Where in UK are you? We (myself, Mr B, and a small Jack Russell) are in Dorset.

rayray

@More battenburg, vicar? I'm in Bristol (West Country 'Pinners unite!) but moving to Leeds on Saturday.

More battenburg, vicar?

@rayray Good luck with the move! Have you tried yorkshire curd tarts? I'm sure you'll be able to get them in Leeds - it's important to have cake plans.

rayray

@More battenburg, vicar? Ha, yes, my family are actually from Harrogate, my great aunt is northern to the extent that she eats her Christmas cake with Wensleydale cheese.

parallel-lines

"My friends told me I can do better than you and I think they're right."

I have plenty of "crazy thing an okcupid/nerve date said to me upon introduction" but I'll save them for another time.

Maria

@parallel-lines Clearly we need another bracket just for those.

discocammata

@parallel-lines Do share!

BScottie

@parallel-lines Yes, OK Cupid one-liners! They're so weird and creepy and hilarious.

parallel-lines

"My friends told me I can do better than you and I think they're right."

I have plenty of "crazy thing an okcupid/nerve date said to me upon introduction" but I'll save them for another time.

Jack Stuef@twitter

You seeded that bracket incorrectly!

Also:
33. "You seeded that bracket incorrectly!"

bureaucrette

[While having sex, Paramore song comes on iTunes shuffle.]
Him: Oh, man, I love this song!
Me: Really?
Him: [Singing along] This heart, it beats, it beats only for you -- [To me] but not you. My heart is yours -- but not yours.

rayray

Oh, my, that is douchey but it totally made me laugh out loud.

bureaucrette

@rayray: Me, too.

hairspin

@bureaucrette ME TOO! HAHAHAHA

elizabeast

When I found out the girl my ex was seeing was one of the girls he slept with while we were together (and at the time, I thought this girl was my friend): "Well, she just tries really hard."

Also, the guy was 26 at the time, she was 19, and all of my friends still refer to her as The Child Bride because my friends are amazing.

elizabeast

@elizabeast And the first guy I went on a date with after the ex above:
Boy: "I like you and all, but we can't go out."
Me: "Um ok. Why?"
Boy, looking me right in the eye: "Because you will never accept Jesus Christ into your heart."

Oh, um. In that case, stop drinking my beer and get the hell out of my apartment.

Knickers Up, Kettle On

@elizabeast My first serious sexytime boyfriend told me he was going back to college to meet a "chaste girl to marry, because after what we've done... it's not you." From a thirtyish recovering smackhead who had verry vaniila sex. Confused! But well rid of him.

sevanetta

@Knickers Up, Kettle On I love your username!

doomfordarlings

"I want to love you and be attracted to you. I mean, I'm really trying, but I just can't."
(Sadly, he didn't even see that as a break-up conversation - it was his way of being "completely honest".)

madge

@doomfordarlings good lord! if the choices are "be completely honest" or "pretend convincingly that you are not a douchebag" i will go for pretense every time

Tates McGee

@doomfordarlings I had the same convo during a break-up. Dude was like, "I tried to love you, I really did." He had the E.Q. of a robot. Also, this was *after* we traveled to Asia together to meet my family, on my parents' dime.

trefoil

@doomfordarlings I had a very similar conversation. "I love you, but I'm not attracted to you." He cried more than I did, but seriously? He made the first move! We were good friends and HE escalated things and then, what? Just changed his mind? Mofo.

Knickers Up, Kettle On

(After about six months of dating and - I thought - freaky hot sex) - "Well you've finally made it into my top ten hottest f#cks. NOT top five, but... keep trying."

JoanTition

@Knickers Up, Kettle On I HAVE ALSO GOTTEN THAT.

WTF.

thebestjasmine

@Knickers Up, Kettle On I got told I was a B+. And he never understood why that made me so angry.

Knickers Up, Kettle On

@thebestjasmine, @Joan Tition, I was all "Well it's hard to do stellar work with subpar material" and he laughed and laughed because I basically dissed myself. And I get ridiculously posh and snooty when pissed off. HE WAS THE SUBPAR MATERIAL godammit!

Kneetoe

@Knickers Up, Kettle On

HAHAHAHA. I hope you clarified your position as regards who the subpar material was.

maebyfunke

This was said to me by a guy I had been engaging in a pretty heavy flirtation with for about a month (and had been good friends with beforehand): Me: So, what's going on between us? Him: What do you mean? We hang out, I grope you a little bit, and then you leave.

Next guy I was dating basically dumped me by cancelling our plans over text and saying "See you soon hopefully!" It was the hopefully that really killed me for some reason.

JoanTition

"I'm letting my former longterm girlfriend stay over at my place over the weekend. We're going to share my [twin] bed.. .but we won't fuck. Promise. Oh and if I see you at [mutual friend's party] just pretend you don't know me that well, okay?"

We got an apartment together after that because I am a genius...... and not long after THAT I kicked his ass to the curb for being a TOTAL PSYCHO and demanded he pay his half of the rent/bill until the lease was up. Which ruled.

City_Dater

Woo hoo! My ex would be so pleased to see he advanced pretty far in the Jerk Bracket.
Yes, he's THAT pointlessly competitive.

mouthalmighty

@City_Dater: Mine would be disappointed he did not get far enough.

noReally

"I think we need to stop talking to each other" after pregnancy news not only should have passed the first round, it should have won. Lots of different ways of backhandedly calling you not pretty is one thing. There are whole other levels.

no way

@noReally Totally agree. I don't even see the dirty horse as that big of a diss. It sounds like he's saying she's not high maintenance, not afraid to get dirty. Dirt is (sometimes) cool!

sox
sox

@noReally Yes! Was coming down here to say that #10 should've made it WAY further. So glad to see I'm not the only one!

RachelTheC

@noReally so it was my traumarama, and i see why it didnt make it that far. it's more sad than funny. best part was that he said we shouldnt be friends any more and signed off aim before i got to tell him that i'd miscarried.

bookbike

@RachelTheC I'm sorry :(

thebestjasmine

I'M ONLY HALF SORRY. Wow. How did that not get bumped up higher?

(And it totally bothers me too that the bracket is seeded incorrectly, I'm glad that I'm not alone).

Choire

@thebestjasmine Yeah, no, "half sorry" should maybe even have won. THIS IS A TOUGH COMPETITION!

Mingus_Thurber

@thebestjasmine I read that and wanted to kill the guy who said it.

Judith Slutler

@thebestjasmine YES. That one was objectively the worst.

TheMostHumble

@thebestjasmine
Totally thought that one was hilarious!

noodge

Driving to my mother's house, 3 days after being diagnosed and treated for an ectopic pregnancy. This was our 3rd fertility treatment, and the loss was devastating.
Motherfucker McDoucheypants: "I'm fantasizing about leaving you for a woman who can give me a baby"
Me: :::sobs::::

thebestjasmine

@teenie That is the actual worst. I am so sorry. I am so glad he's your ex.

JoanTition

@teenie Jesus, people can be such fuckwads. I, too, am glad he is your ex.

noodge

@thebestjasmine: thanks, me too. oddly enough, it still took me just over a year to DTMFA after he said that.

Megatron

@teenie I can't even fathom such asshattery. I am so sorry.

noodge

@Megatron the best part was that he tried to "clarify" it to me about a week later, stating that if we split up, and he was lucky, he could find someone who he was compatible with, woo and marry her, and potentially have a child before he was 40.
he started dating his current wife 3 weeks after we separated from our 10 year marriage. they are now married and expecting their first child, who will be due 2 weeks before he turns 40.
where is a brick wall to bash my head on. and why does this even still bother me.

Porn Peddler

@teenie We have a winner...

noodge

@Third Wave Housewife : I just realized it says AMUSINGLY horrible things significant others have said bracket. I should have saved this for the wrist-slittingly awful things significant others have said bracket.

Porn Peddler

@teenie Oh yeah, it does...I imagine if the Hairpin ran a piece about "Most soul-guttingly horrible things significant others have said to you" things would get pretty dark around here...

Megatron

@teenie I did the same thing.

bloodorange

@teenie WHAAAAAT

QuiteAmiable

@teenie OMG, what?!? This literally made steam come of my ears.

Princess Langwidere

@teenie I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm also preemptively sorry for his as-yet-to-be-born offspring. Bet he's gonna be one helluva father!

noodge

@EVERYONE: thanks. it's funny how my marriage was kind of a shit storm of really hurtful stuff like this, in between a really strong connection, so it's hard for me to feel objective. having other people see one of those painful moments, and confirm that - yes - he's an asshat, is affirming? i mean, I say the same thing, but after a divorce it just feels like the bitter taste talking, ya know? anyway, solidarity <3

punkahontas

@teenie I'm so sorry that you went through all that, and I'm sorry that it still bothers you. (But that's not exactly an easy thing to get over, so don't beat yourself up.) Just because he has everything checked off his list doesn't mean that he and his new wife are actually happy. I am dedicating "Better Things" by The Kinks to you.

Nicole Cliffe

@teenie I welcome his death, and celebrate your existence.

brad

@teenie - why does it still bother you? jesus. christ. i went blind in my left eye from rage just reading it. my head just exploded. how fucking...beyond words...FUCKINGFUCKERERER.

Kneetoe

@teenie

Jesus fucking christ

sevanetta

@teenie Jesus God, teenie. Or like Kneetoe said. Jesus fucking Christ!!! Major hugs

ohgodtheglitter

@teenie Set. Him. On. Fire. (tm Nicole Cliffe)

kayjay

@teenie Oh my god, I just threw up in my mouth. I am so sorry.

CyberAly

@teenie my mouth just fell open and stayed that way. its still kinda that way. (While I understand the intensely good tempering some of the intensely bad) I kinda picture him telling someone why his marriage with you is over and the other person just looking at him like he is an alien from planet Asswipe.

samuraihellkitty

@teenie I'm so sorry you had to go through that! You don't need a wall to bash your head on....if any head should be bashed it's his. Stupidscumsuckingratbastard!

anotherkate

@ohgodtheglitter There really hasn't been enough of setting things on fire around here lately. Thanks for starting the revival!

leonstj

I'd really hate to see what the insignificant others said.

Cawendaw

@leon.saintjean "It's like you don't even notice I'm here!"
or possibly "I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."

Das Rad

@leon.saintjean "Hi, my name is Matt Groark"

Marzipan

@Das Rad Sorry, Matt Groark! "This chicken is good, but I like your meatloaf better" doesn't count!

hollyday

All from my tool ex-boyfriend (I was 19):

Said exasperatingly (to me) at a dinner where he was meeting my mother for the first time: "Use your head! God!"

"You know, you're not a priority to me this summer... I'm really going to be focused on my friends. And lifeguarding."

"I really think you should stop talking to [my best friend]. When I met her all I could think about was how she was shaped like a butterball turkey."

"I really want to see other people, but if you don't want to, maybe you should just break up with me."

[My parents had JUST divorced months before] "I know you're going to leave me eventually, you're just like your mother."

euphoria

@hollyday "You know, you're not a priority to me this summer... I'm really going to be focused on my friends. And lifeguarding."

that just cracked me up.

hollyday

@euphoria He was often unintentionally hilarious. My personal favorite is when he played me Hoobastank's "The Reason" and told me it was how he felt about me. I was not sure how to respond!

nonvolleyball

@hollyday that reminds me of the breakup at the end of Wet Hot American Summer: "Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, *cut*. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you."

thebestjasmine

@hollyday The butterball turkey thing totally made me laugh.

Judith Slutler

@hollyday The Reason!? That is the worst song ever. I wouldn't even know what to say or do or anything if some guy played me that song!!

can't get there from here

(upon realizing i don't shave my armpits, due to liking them better that way): "Oh come now, that shit's for dykes and ugly girls. Don't do that"

TheRisottoRacket

@can't get there from here Offensive on several levels!

whimseywisp

@can't get there from here My boyfriend thinks my body hair is sexy.

PerinealFavorite

@can't get there from here I had an ex say the exact same thing to me. losers.

MollyculeTheory

Aah how do you get to submit to these things?

"Can you mail me a lock of your hair?" Oh, how sweet. "I want it for my collection and I don't have a blonde yet."

janedonuts

@MollyculeTheory were you dating Jame Gumb?

Bebe

@MollyculeTheory Yikes. That goes in the Creepy Things SOs Have Said" bracket!

Porn Peddler

I am totally cool with all the potentially awful things my partner has said to me. He's lucky he isn't dating the type of girl who takes offense to being told she is "squishy" or "corpulent."

whimseywisp

@Third Wave Housewife YES ME TOO :D.

naftels

I've had a few doozies in my time, but this one takes the cake -- a college boyfriend, while breaking up with me, clarified his position by saying this: "It's not that I'm revolted by you .... No, I'm sorry, revolted is too strong a word. I guess I'm just repulsed by you. Yeah, repulsed. That's what I meant."

noodge

ew. that's awful.

whimseywisp

@naftels I am revolted/repulsed by HIM. UGHHHH. DOOOOUCHE.

Jaya

First boyfriend, after dating for two weeks: "I just feel like everything I want to know about you I already know."

ennaenirehtac

@Jaya Wow, that is freaking harsh.

KirRoyale

"I just don't see us having a future together. I want a relationship like my parents have." Both of his parents creeped me out, and were rarely in the same room together.

MerelyGoodExpectations

Not me, but my sister's high school boyfriend, after 4 years of dating, broke up with her telling her that he'd gone on a church retreat and realized that it was "God's plan for [him] to date a nicer girl."

Dani

@MerelyGoodExpectations Oh god, the jesus excuse. I knew a girl in college who had 3 (!) different dudes she met at various churches break up with her so they could "get right with god." She stopped farming from the youth ministries after that.

swirrlygrrl

I don't get 22...am I dense?

Maria

@swirrlygrrl I think he was calling her a trophy wife, but not a very good one. That or he realize he was being an asshat halfway through and was trying to backpedal. Eitherway it works for the bracket.

Frowaway

From my ... friend:

"But I left an ACTUAL prostitute for you!"

KirRoyale

(different guy)"I shouldn't have to think before I say anything to you, I should just be able to say whatever's on my mind, and you should just be understanding and not take it personally!"

Roaring Girl

@KirRoyale I am certain my husband has said more or less this exact thing to me. Drunk, naturally.

Xanthophyllippa

@KirRoyale "Only if I can do that, too." Then I'd have proceeded to call him a stupid mo-fo as often as humanly possible.

Flackette

Also, "You know, there's just a lot of...stuff going on."

This was the same guy who IMed me a couple of months later to ask if I wanted to have sex. I told him at that moment I was looking for a relationship, not just a horndog. He said that I was fooling myself if I thought that any guy ever wanted anything but sex out of a relationship.

Pity the woman he's now married to.

Also, after turning down the casual sex offer, I got into my present 4-year serious relationship. So, BOO-YAH.

punkahontas

@Flackette high-five!

KirRoyale

(and yet another guy) "It's not that you have a pretty face, you're actually kind of plain, but it's something about your eyes..."

Pony-girl

I had to register to share this one! Boyfriend who claims to be 100 per cent supportive of me being pregnant with his child while actually trying to extricate himself (I realise in hindsight)calls me on my DUE DATE and says, "sorry I haven't called for a while, I sort of forgot about you."

Bro-lo El Cunado

@Pony-girl WOW. I'm guessing he turned out to be super involved dad, right?

hollyday

@Pony-girl Oh my GOD.

atipofthehat

@Pony-girl

Nevertheless -- CONGRATULATIONS !

Pony-girl

@atipofthehat Thanks! All in all I ended up with the right person (my daughter). As for baby-daddy well, he's full of regret but a wall-to-wall disappointment generally.

Jane Err

I had some doozies, for sure:
"You'd be really pretty if you just lost, like, 20 pounds."
and
"Why do you want to learn to sew? What are you going to get out of that skill? [what? what do you get out of playing video games til 3 in the morning] Problem solving skills and hand-eye coordination!"

Vicky

@Cat Sound! (Replying to your comment because I want to tell you that I looooove your commenter name)

me: I had a pumpkin donut today!
him: Did you go to the gym?

Pixley

@Vicky Johnson Oh! Oh oh! I had gotten a skirt on clearance for like four dollars and brought it home and was trying to decide if it was too short, so I asked the boyfriend and he said, "No, it's not too short, as long as you keep going on the Stairmaster every day."

beatrixkiddo1

@Pixley Jumping on the fat comment thread here. From my current bf, who isn't usually a dick:
Me: You should listen to my dieting advice, because girls know more about these things.
Him: Well, girls aren't skinny, so whatever.

Grumphy@twitter

@Cat Sound! "Well then, you can use your problem solving skills to figure out why you're now single, and your hand-eye coordination toooooo...."

Megatron

@beatrixkiddo1 Current bf...also not normally a dick, but can be oblivious and can have mouth diarrhea like no other: me: I think I'd like to wear a short wedding dress. him: I think you should take up running and calf raises, then.

selkie86

@Cat Sound! I had a similar comment from my boyfriend who I'd flown overseas to see. He didn't seem to understand why that was upsetting.

Bro-lo El Cunado

Naked, in bed, after fooling around but not having sex (for the second time): "I'm really ambivalent about having you in my bed right now."

Very stupidly, I did not immediately storm out. (It was like 2am.) Luckily this relationship flamed out fast when I finally woke up and realized he was a complete narcissist asshole.

Knickers Up, Kettle On

@elcunado 'Ugh, I really don't want to drive you home (midnight, TWO BUSES and a subway to get to my place), I have got such a good parking space right now.' And he didn't.

rayray

@elcunado Sounds like a completely unsubtle attempt to tell you to leave, so I guess staying was the best way to punish that one?

Doilyhead

Immediately after sex, probably the second time we slept together, naked in bed:

"Heh. You have a tiny mustache! What? All girls have tiny mustaches!"

dangerouslibrarian

@Doilyhead Oh man, the mustache! My very sweet, but sometimes clueless fiance asked me if I was going to do anything to my upper lip before the wedding.

gfrancie

@dangerouslibrarian "yeah I am going to punch you in the face so that way people will be too distracted looking at your blackeye."

everythingbagel

Explaining to me why he didn't want to date: "You're a beautiful girl and I know we'd have a great relationship, but like, I don't want to be with you all the time."

Uhh, what? Am I supposed to be complimented or offended?

Clare

@everythingbagel I sort of understand what he's getting at, though. I just think he did a poor job of phrasing it. Everybody needs alone time or bro time to bro out with your bros.

everythingbagel

@Clare oh, I totally appreciate him wanting time to himself and whatevs, but we live a couple hours apart. He said he wants someone where there's "urgency". This whole conversation was a giant cop-out disguised by compliments! Argh!

everythingbagel

@Clare oh AND: "You know, there were a bunch of other girls that I was talking to over the summer, but you're the only one I made a move on."

Cool. Thanks a million.

selkie86

@everythingbagel It's like a real life reality show-- you made it to the final round! You should feel special!

gimlet

Upon telling him I'd once had my wisdom teeth out:

Him: Oh, that explains the ... cheeks.

Me: I had my wisdom teeth out months ago! THIS IS JUST HOW MY FACE LOOKS.

Oh, the curse of having fat cheeks.

KirRoyale

(ex-fiancee,after I presented him with the very damning evidence of several missing condoms)"Sometimes I just like to try them on, because it feels good." The one man on the planet who "enjoys" wearing condoms. Amazing. Worst Liar Ever.

Princess Langwidere

@KirRoyale Ahahahahaha! This one is killing me.

Hot mayonnaise

@KirRoyale: I caught an ex this way; reverse the sexes though.

Nicole Cliffe

@Hot mayonnaise I wish you were a lesbian, and talking about dental dams.

Princess Langwidere

@Nicole Cliffe Sometimes I just like to lick them, because they taste good!

Hot mayonnaise

@Princess Langwidere "Ok. I admit. I have a latex licking problem."

martini

@KirRoyale I once saw a condom wrapper in a boyfriend's trash bin and nearly called him to yell (we weren't using condoms) when I realized it was a ramen flavoring packet. :/

frigwiggin

@martini Going to suffocate from laughter. I'm sorry.

karion

"You know why you're never going to be in a healthy relationship? Because you're selfish. And you keep wearing wedges. No wonder you can't make anything last."

Do me a solid and put me out of my pathological curiosity: this guy came out of the closet a few years later, yes?

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@karion Of all of them that one made me laugh the most - I'm sure the context was horrible for the wedge-wearer but as an isolated statement it's SO FUNNY

BenIsAGirl

@karion Ha. no... he cheated on me and lives with his (non-wedge wearing, I assume) new girlfriend. She's fat though, so it's cool.

matisse

I was once broken up with by a guy who said "you're cute but I have an Asian fetish" and he didn't like the way I kiss because I used "too much teeth" (after nibbling on his ear LIGHTLY, and then continuing after he said he liked it!) #juicebox

KirRoyale

(same stupid cheating ex-fiancee, right after I told him that I had dated girls in the past) "What!? What's NEXT? I feel like I'm on 'Jerry Springer'!"

Princess Langwidere

@KirRoyale What's NEXT? Trying on condoms alone for pleasure?!

KirRoyale

@Princess Langwidere it was a breathtaking romance, that led to very stringent IQ testing of future partners.

Sara E Anderson@facebook

I'd like to see the list of amusingly horrible things we've said to significant others. To my first boyfriend I had sex with, "The only reason I've ever made a noise during sex was because of pain." I knew it wasn't exactly true at the time. And we didn't really fight. I'm not sure why I said it.

mustelid

@Sara E Anderson@facebook The first time I attempted to have sex with my ex: my first first time, but not his. He didn't exactly get it in (imagine a hot dog laying in a bun, if you will) but came after like three thrusts near my vag. He stormed out to throw the sheets in the washer because he spilled the condom on the bed. It was supposed to be my virginity loss, so when he came back, I said, "Did that... count?"

It was not meant to be cruel, I just really wanted to know. Good thing he ended up being a juicebox.

VodouDoll

@Sara E Anderson@facebook This one would be a fun bracket to do. I've never been the first person in a relationship to say, "I love you," which is probably no big deal in itself, but the bad part is that every time a guy has worked up the nerve to tell me he loves me, I've laughed at him. Even the man I eventually married. I'm lucky he forgave me.

mirror_father_mirror

@VodouDoll I once responded to an "I love you" with "Isn't it a little early for that?"

BUT YOU GUYS, IT WAS!

rocknrollunicorn

@Sara E Anderson@facebook A guy told me that his mom had called him an asshole at her birthday dinner. And I laughed. Hard. Belly laughed. (and it was post-coital, too!)

However. He WAS an asshole, he shit-talked his mom and other women all the time, and he deserved every ounce of that laugh.

selkie86

@mustelid I asked the first person I had sex with if "it" was in... unintentionally cruel.

Of course he turned out to be a bit of a juicebox. My favorite story about him involves a party and two ladies making out. He horns in on their kissing (because naturally it's all about teh menz) and it stops. The next day when he tries to pursue one of them he finds out she's a lesbian and in a relationship with the other lady. Who'd a thunk?

lisydney@twitter

"Shall I get you blankets for the futon?" [After we'd just had sex in his bed.]

Nicole Cliffe

@lisydney@twitter No waaaay.

gfrancie

@lisydney@twitter whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?????

annepersand

"I just assumed you'd still want to date me" - from an (ex)boyfriend who was shocked, shocked that we weren't automatically back together in the fall after he'd dumped me in the spring because I was a bitch*.

*According to him, and apparently also his parents/friends?

noReally

It's interesting how much of this can be filed under Brutal Honesty, which is so frequently presented as Refreshing Honesty. Which is often The Honesty You Told Me You Really Wanted From Me. And basically amounts to Not What You Want Me to Think.

atipofthehat

@noReally

And which is also known as revealing a staggeringly undeveloped person in place of the empathetic and understanding adult you'd foolishly assumed you were dealing with!

Pixley

@atipofthehat I want to know who decided "refreshing honesty" means "saying every stupid, insulting thing that crosses your stupid mind". And then I want to kick that person in the nads.

maginot_line

Here's one of each (one from an ex and one from me):

From an eventually-it-was-clear-he-was-a-touch-psychotic ex who introduced me to his motherless children as his girlfriend within two weeks of our first date (without asking my permission), this email less than three weeks thereafter: "I'm done. Subscription canceled. Null and void. Cease and desist. There is nothing to discuss. Please, just leave me alone. Over and out." There was no precipitating factor, conversation, email or text with/from me.

From me, to summer internship co-worker with whom I'd been on one date, in response to his email asking if I wanted to go out again: "Thank you, but I no longer wish to see you socially." I'm sorry, young man!

bloodorange

@maginot_line Those are both pretty great!

Clare

I've mentioned this before, but when we were having the "it's over" conversation, my ex said, "I have a lot of expenses coming up."

The next week, he was on twitter talking about his new gorilla foot running shoes, the concert tickets he had just bought, and going on all-night drinking binges in DC.

The week after that he started dating someone else.

franceschances

@Clare Ughhhh DC guys. You know, it's expensive getting wasted in AdMo every night!

Alibi Jones

"I don't see why you're so insecure. I mean, pretty much every girl I see I think 'Hmmm, that's an option' but I'm still dating YOU!"

ormaisonogrande

Y'know your back would be completely perfect if it weren't for that mole on the right that just ruins everything.

GailPink

"You looked really good last night. Of course, it's been all downhill since then." - what a winner he was!

jfruh

Can someone help a brother out and explain the scissors one? Is it an underwear thing?

discocammata

@jfruh Pubic hair!

zidaane

@jfruh "Let me get a crimper".

Cowabunga

@zidaane AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA that shiz was hilarious! i think i would marry a man that said that to me. Admittedly, I don't know why a straight man would have a crimper...but still. HIIIII-LARIOUS.

KirRoyale

OK, I suppose it's only fair:
Him: Where are my stupid shoes?
Me: Right in front of your stupid face.
I was 17, he was a whiny jerk. Still, not my proudest moment.

Bebe

@KirRoyale Ooooh - how about a "horrible things we have said" bracket? Maybe confessing will alleviate the guilt. Or, more fun, a "completely justified horrible things we have said" bracket?

MerelyGoodExpectations

@Bebe I think we need two: one for "unintentionally horrible things we've said" and one for the "completely self-aware and awful but, yeah, they had it coming horrible things we've said."

Bebe

@MerelyGoodExpectations "Perfect comebacks to the horrible things people have said to us that we didn't think of at the time, but spent the following 6 months of our lives coming up with that we wish we could go back in time to deliver" bracket?

sevanetta

@Bebe I wish to obsessively click the 'Like' button on this. :clickclickclickclickclick:

discocammata

[In response to an image of a Mexican singer named Mala Rodriguez that popped up during a session of googling ourselves] "Oh look! It's the hotter version of you!"

dangerouslibrarian

My fav from an ex: Having sex with you is like sleeping with a Muppet. A Muppet!

KirRoyale

@dangerouslibrarian "But WHICH Muppet? Animal? Beaker? I have to know!"

punkahontas

@KirRoyale LOL. If you had to choose one muppet to sleep with, which one would it be?

QuiteAmiable

@dangerouslibrarian Hell, I would consider that a compliment!

Bebe

@KirRoyale Seriously! This is an important question!

KirRoyale

@punkahontas Dr. Teeth AND all of the Electric Mayhem.

TrilbyLane

@punkahontas I can't be the only one with a fairly advanced sexual thing for Kermit.

Grumphy@twitter

@dangerouslibrarian my best buddy actually does kind of look like a muppet (its all in the mouth), and I feel bad every time I think that, but also. Hilarious!

wee_ramekin

@punkahontas F/M/K: Kermit, Animal, Miss Piggy....GO!

KatieWK

College boyfriend: “Don’t you think this is hard for me? Of course I know you’re too good for me. But I also know I could do better…looks-wise.”

mustelid

After my ex quit fried food, alcohol, and soda (should have dumped him right then because THAT DOES NOT JIBE WITH MY LIFE AT ALL), he made fun of me for eating a) butter on my toast and b) ice cream.

Megasus

I think if it were acceptable to slap dudes like in an old movie these types of things wouldn't be said so much.

katherine

Comic Sans?

oxla?

@katherine for realsies. though i'd like to think this was intentional since comic sans=amusing and horrible.

maiasaura

So, summer after I graduated from college, I dated a guy who cheated on me with and then broke up with me for a sixteen year old he'd met when we were both her camp counselors. This was deeply icky and for some reason made me decide that dating one of my housemates would be totally fine.

Six months later, that has turned out exactly as badly as everyone probably thought it would, and we are having what is clearly the breakup conversation. He has rolled himself into a tiny ball made completely of knees in the way that only a man who is 6'4" and 160 pounds really can, and is rocking himself on the bed. Finally, he lies down flat, puts his face in his pillow, and says, "We can't be together any more because I think I'm really falling for you, and if I'm in love with you it will prevent me from ending up with a more attractive girl."

The next three months of living in the same house were AWESOME, let me tell you.

gimlet

@maiasaura OH MY GOD.

maiasaura

@gimlet I know, right? It was a rough year.

Other quotations from my extremely well-chosen romantic prospects as a 22 year old:

"I know I made plans with you for the weekend and then stopped answering your calls for three months but I just wasn't feeling the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing."

and

"maybe I'll kiss you at midnight on New Year's...you know, if my fiancee doesn't show up."

BoozinSusan

My Japanese ex-boyfriend (I'm white), as I was eating dinner at 9 PM: "You know what they say in Japan! Eat after 8 PM, and you become a cow."* This was after a lot of roll-playing, by which I mean he played with my stomach fat rolls.
*This actually is a saying in Japanese.

whatdream

"Sorry, but you know I can't talk to you when you have crying-breath".

ABear

@whatdream That's amazing.

NellieBly

@whatdream That. Is an achievement in juiceboxery.

Vera Knoop

@whatdream Stunned. Literally sitting here agape.

arglebargle

How about "You know sex isn't the same as love" [a few minutes after we'd had sex] DID I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE?? Ug. Asshat.

Pony-girl

I can not leave this alone now. So many horrible things.

"You have eyebrows like an Italian pornstar ... do they, like, meet in the middle?" They do not!

After giving birth after a 30 hour labor (alone) "Oh I guess it's not as hard as I was thinking, I thought you'd be more sweaty."

Hot mayonnaise

@Pony-girl Where was he!!!

Xanthophyllippa

@Pony-girl I hope you wadded him up into a small container, then came back 9 months later to pull him out through a very tiny hole.

Pony-girl

He has suffered a fair (but not equal) amount since that time (at my hand!) But he does have a nice relationship with said baby who is now 5 and such a gift. Thank you nice Hairpin people. The end!

gfrancie

from a real winner who wore his hat backward:
"I think you could be a lot more attractive if you bought clothes from The Gap" (I wonder if he secretly worked for them) "I want to sleep with other people but I don't want you to sleep with other people because that would make you a whore. Do you want to be a whore?" It was on that note that I never called his weak-ass ever again.

Oh wait and there was this one infamous guy who told me, "GOD braces are so hot. Especially on 15 year old girls." (we were both in our twenties)

Saaoirse

@gfrancie Oh my god.

gfrancie

@Saaoirse The first guy was this ultimate juicebox that I hung out with because I was 19 and felt like I should hang out with him because he paid attention to me. I wised up.

The other guy? OMG that guy was KING of highly inappropriate comments. The shit he would say... The stories I tell about him are of legend. Part of his problem was that he never quite got over not being cool in HS and I think his emotional level was about 16 on a good day.

kitchenwitchin

@gfrancie That braces comment is exactly why I want to lock my 12 year old sister in a castle until she's 25. Guuh. Gross.

gfrancie

@kitchenwitchin THAT is my feeling. Especially since at the time I had a 12 year old sister IN BRACES. I remember looking at him and saying, "WHAT? You realize how creepy that sounds right? CREEPY."

absofreakinglutely

"If my penis was any smaller, your vagina might be too big."
Seriously.

Hot mayonnaise

@absofreakinglutely: He threw you a softball there. I hope you hit it.

Caitlin Turner@facebook

5 or 6 years back, I had a bit of a whiskey/prescription drug prob. (didn't we all) and the first time my bf called me "Winnipeg's answer to Judy Garland", I turned to him and wept superstar tears of joy.

Lemonnier

"You have a lot of great qualities, but you are a terrible human being." And then he died, less than 12 hours later.

Lemonnier

Oh, and a different ex-boyfriend told me he thought I was a slut because I slept with him on the first date. Aside from the double standard operating there, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL, DUMMY.

CyberAly

@Lemonnier Wait. Did he really die?

pixieg

@CyberAly I hope he didn't, because I am LAUGHING.

saul "the bear" berenson

@Lemonnier Seriously! Someone said that to me, too! "Well clearly you were a slut before we met, because you slept with me on our first date." I'm sorry, what?

Good thing such gems as this exist to make me properly grateful for awesome men like my heroically anti-douchey boyfriend and love of my life.

Does Axl have a jack?

Total nonsequitur from the ex: "You're not hot."

BadWolf

"i just wanted to have sex with you. what the fuck is your problem?" -- my ex, attempting to call me out for avoiding him a month after a) i broke up with him (for an entire year of unbelievable assholery), and b) he responded to said break-up by trying to physically force himself on me in my own home.

Judith Slutler

@BadWolf I'm so sorry. What a bastard!

BadWolf

@Emmanuelle Cunt oooh, i forgot his favorite joke. his favorite joke goes, "how can you tell if your girlfriend had an orgasm? ...[wait for it] ...who cares!"

i want to vomit just thinking about him.

SibylDisobedience

@BadWolf I've never met him and I want to punch him in his stupid face.

frigwiggin

Oh my god. My first "real" boyfriend dumped me because an anime convention we both go to was coming up and he thought he wouldn't be able to keep himself from cheating on me.

This same guy came up to me this year at the same convention, and basically the first words out of his mouth were, "So I heard [your best friend] DIED!!" Yes, yes she did, jackass.

ABear

I may or may not actually be #5

Hot mayonnaise

I was taught to keep my mouth shut if I didn't have anything nice to say. That said, I'm known as being "reserved."

My biggest juicebox move was early one morning at my girlfriends place (she lived 3 hrs away). She headed out to McDonald's to pick up some Egg McMuffins or some such and I decided that I was not going ever be able to forgive her for cheating on me (see missing condoms above; we had gotten back together). I just got my shit and headed for home; taking the back way out of town to avoid her on the way back; starTAC cell phone turned off.

KirRoyale

@Hot mayonnaise wow, you...cad? If that's your worst, you're a prince among common men. She was clearly trying to kill you anyway.

fosherbert

"I have a new girlfriend. She's like a really hot girl... Dating a hot girl is fun! From now on I'm only going to date hot girls!"
- while talking to an ex as "friends" after breaking up

meghan

"When you said, "you should read it" I thought you meant it like when people say, "we should hang out sometime," but they don't actually mean it." - Fellow writer-guy when I discovered he'd been pretending but never actually read anything I had published. (After I waded through SO MUCH of his self-satisfied music "criticism"...)

AmyB

After I had just did all his laundry and made him an awesome breakfast and fresh squeezed orange juice:

(drinks juice) "Ahhhh, this is what I imagine Scarlett Johansens pussy tastes like.....
me: wtf.
him:she's my back up wife, you know.
me: good luck with that.

JoanTition

@AmyB
Now see, I would date that guy- I say stupid shit like that and find myself very amusing.

Ex: I call John Hamm my "tall boyfriend", you know, in comparison to my actual real life short boyfriend.

AmyB

@JoanTition Not only did I date him, I married him.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

So many of the horrible things these guys have said seem to centre around their notion of the kind of girls they *should* be dating, according to some externally imposed standard. Fair enough if the guy is not attracted to the girl at all, but in a lot of these cases they *were*, in fact they had actual relationships with the ladies, only to criticise/dump them for not being 'hot' enough. A theme that keeps coming up again and again in the comments and people's experiences is that the guys saying these shitty things often refer to 'doing better' for themselves or comment on what their friends/people in general think of the relationship - revealing a greater concern with what other people might think than what the guy himself thinks.

It's that weird sense of entitlement so many guys have - but to what exactly? Someone who looks good 'in public'? That's all very well if it's someone he also loves, but what if he doesn't, or she doesn't love him, or they are completely unsuited? These guys are being asshats, but you'd nearly feel sorry for them because they seem so insecure that they can't just choose someone and be happy with her - they can't let go of what their friends/family/society at large think they 'deserve' in terms of looks/status/whatever.

Obviously physical attraction is important but like I said most of the guys in these stories *were* attracted to the ladies in question, but they didn't have the balls to own their feelings and ignore the insecure bros (and society in general) who project their own inadequacies by saying 'you can do better' etc. And the current 'standard' of female hotness is so ridiculously unattainable that unless we starve ourselves and never go in the sun and never have any fun (mm THAT'S attractive) none of us will EVER be at the 'better' level, and thank god for that! It seems these guys are more invested in what their friends think, or what they think their friends think than in, y'know, making their own grown-ass man decisions about life.

Of course that is NO excuse for the heinous shit said by some of these guys, but a lot of them seem to fall into the category of 'not-evil-but-cripplingly-insecure'. Which is more forgivable, if equally undateable.

It's so simple - if someone treats you well and you love them, then you deserve them.

(Actually the Spongebob Squareflab one kinda made me smile because I could picture it coming from a playful, affectionate place - someone who loves you and all your imperfections - but I don't know the context so it might have been another meanie guy trying to instil insecurity and therefore EVIL. I just like the idea of a loving relationship where you can gently tease each other about your respective imperfections from a total place of love.)

SuperGogo

@skyandgorse Like and like again. Excellent observation.

Lady Brat

@skyandgorse ... and this is why I read The Hairpin. A beautiful thinking through of all this fuckery.

sevanetta

@Lady Brat Yes exactly!

PistolPackinMama

@skyandgorse I was just looking at some research about the incoming college class demographics. Apparently the thing young men these days say they fear a whole lot is being laughed at by their peers.

That and entitlement like wish makes these make sense. Horrible and awful. But at least they make sense.

LotaLota

@skyandgorse
"So many of the horrible things these guys have said seem to centre around their notion of the kind of girls they *should* be dating, according to some externally imposed standard."

It's a status thing. In general, part of our attraction to other people is their comparative social status. It's human nature to want to associate with high- (or higher) status persons, because that raises our status. For females, social status is associated with looks, for guys, it is associated with achievement/money. Thus, those persons who are driven to raise their status and the esteem of their peers, will be constantly looking for things that will increase their status. That means better jobs, better partners, the finer things in life. The "trophy wife" is exactly that: a symbol of the guy's high status...at least, in his eyes and the eyes of his male peers.

ohgodtheglitter

"Heart break turns more to serious worry that this girl will never be able to sort out her life."

From an email chain my ex forwarded to me regarding my reluctance to have a threesome with him. Yes, he would have entire conversations with various guy friends via email itemizing out the most intimate details/issues about our sex life/my sexual performance AND THEN FORWARD THEM TO ME.

Clearly, my intense reluctance to have a threesome means that I will never be able to sort out my life. I can't even...what the hell??

And clearly, this was an extremely healthy relationship (I never had the threesome with him, thank Jeebus).

Hot Doom

Ah, I had a gem of an ex. He was my first *real* boyfriend as an adult, and would guilt trip me for wanting to see OR talk to him once a week, because, you know, sleeping until 3 pm after being worn out from doing too much coke and E with his buddies takes a toll. That shit got too hard to deal with, so our break up conversation was thus:
Me: SO, do you even want to be with me? You don't really act like it and this relationship seems like a waste of time now
Him: Ahhh, I don't know. Maybe not. I really need more "me" time.
Me: Ok...?
Him: Don't worry though. If you're that upset about it, I will tell people that you dumped me, not the other way around.

Whadda prince!

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

Oh my goodness, this post has reassured me that I'm not a total moron for getting into a relationship with a man who turned out to be an incontrovertible bastard as there are many others out there!
Choice cuts include:

"You don't have any, you know, hobbies or interests." (I'm currently doing a French and German degree, I'm a keen cook and swimmer, I love books, films and music of many varieties, and I play the guitar. But you know, I guess none of those measure up to smoking weed, spending hours on conspiracy theory websites and occasionally shooting hoops alone.)

"Your legs are kind of stumpy." (I'm 5'9")

"If you break up with me, I'm going to take all your records when I leave." (He actually did take some of my stuff. This was over a year ago and I'm still discovering that things have gone "missing".)

And probably many many more that I have blocked from my memory. There are lots of depressing ones too but those are the most amusing ones.
Fortunately I am with a lovely, sane man now who is very nice to me and has shiny hair.

SuperGogo

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles Conversely, this thread makes me feel reassured that I'm not a total moron because I've had very few relationships and have been single more often than not. Better single than with a juicebox who would say nasty things like all of the above to me. Hurrah, reassurances all around!

karion

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles: I find it helpful to pretend that we have all dated and/or married the same guy and that he just really gets around.

MuchasGracias

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles Tooootally feel you on this one. I just dated a guy like your ex. Incontrovertible bastard, indeed! Literally nothing more annoying than, "Do you wanna smoke? No? Ugh, why do you have to be so lame and boring?"

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

@MuchasGracias Yeah, sucks to be us dull unenlightened ones! Sigh. Hope things are getting better for you!

ineptus

Two different dudes, two bad decisions:

1. "You know, I finally figured out why I like you so much. It's because you're built exactly like a 14 year old girl."

2.
HIM: "You probably shouldn't come along while I hang out with my ex-girlfriend."
ME: "Why?"
HIM: "You'd get upset."
ME: "Why?"
HIM: "Well, she's not like you."
ME: "WHY?"
HIM: "Because she's tiny and blonde and acts like a girl. You would be jealous!"

NellieBly

@poorin If you're not with either of them anymore, it sounds like you made two great decisions.

NellieBly

Ok, here's mine:

(Right after we broke up)"I think that one of the reasons that we grew apart is that you were so jealous of how well I did when we were student teaching."

(I didn't do as well during student teaching because of crippling depression on top of a host of other things, how well he was doing honestly wasn't on my radar as a "problem.")

NellieBly

@MutantEnemy Oh, oh, and: "Don't you think it would bring closure to our relationship if we did it one more time?"

David Grossman@twitter

Oh man, I am so very late to this. But:

(right after we have sex, cuddling) Her: "This would be so perfect if you were just a few inches taller."

Kneetoe

God, saythatscool has dated SO MANY OF YOU!

(God, SO MANY OF YOU have dated saythatscool!)

What'sUpMakeup

"I just feel like I will always have to choose between you and my LARP friends."

Yeah.

oxla?

@What'sUpMakeup please please please please. this was when you were in highschool at the very very latest, right?

What'sUpMakeup

@oxla? I was 16. He was 22. He was my first boyfriend, so that might explain even letting it get to that point, I didn't know any better. His friends made me feel deeply creeped out. One guy was bald on top with a long ponytail and would only drink mead and he asked me if I'd ever heard of Edgar Allen Poe. It was a weird time for me.

KirRoyale

@What'sUpMakeup was there a lot of SCA/Ren Faire activity? If so, I can relate.

What'sUpMakeup

@KirRoyale It wasn't Ren Faire, though I'm sure there was some demographic crossover. More like "battles" in the park? This same guy also explained his generally immature dickish behavior by "admitting" that his last GF had died in a tragic accident and she was the love of his life and he never got over it. LIES! Ugh! Who makes up a dead girlfriend as carte blanche to be terrible?

Porporina

@What'sUpMakeup I think we maybe dated the same dude when we were 16...

What'sUpMakeup

@Porporina are you dead? if so, i owe him an apology.

Porporina

@What'sUpMakeup Ha! Very much alive, no apologies for that buffoon!

Elsajeni

@What'sUpMakeup Oh my God, I knew someone in high school who told this same lie to literally every girl he met. Shortly after he was found out, he made himself scarce for a while, then turned back up claiming to have AMNESIA and therefore NO IDEA why everyone was mad at him, which was entertaining enough that it almost made up for the lies.

nina

[during a breakup] "Caring too much is my kryponite"

Marzipan

First of all, 4 is just false, because EVERYONE is a Dorothy. FACT. I have literally never met/heard of anyone identifying as any other Golden Girl (so I'm actually confused on why "which Golden Girl are you" is a 'thing' at all). This is true because your choices are 1. total slut 2. total ditz or 3. funny, sassy and likable.

Also: 18 is the objective worst, 21 subjective worst (particular hate of mine, also, 17-year-old me would NOT have gotten it at all. "Um, WHAT? THE FUCK? I'm not prepared for that kind of kink AT ALL." Actually, I'm not sure present day me would have figured it out either.)

Better to Eat You With

"I think it's time I started looking for someone to marry, and I just don't think you're it." (I don't think he got married for like 8 more years.)

"Your shoes never match your outfits." (This one was a rebound after that one up there.)

Megasus

@Better to Eat You With The rebound turned out to be gay, right?

SibylDisobedience

College boyfriend, just after being dumped for getting caught redhanded having cybersex with other girls:
"I really thought about it last night, and realized it's time to shit or get off the pot. I want to marry you."

I remember my response, when I could stop laughing, as "am I the shit or the pot?"

opossum

I registered just to post this: "You know, it's kind of a good thing you have those acne scars, because otherwise you'd just be TOO pretty." In a tender moment, very much intended as a compliment! Great guy, sweet sentiment(?) but oof!!

AmyB

@opossum Ooooh. Sensitive area for me.

mshack007

A lot of these could be solved by not getting pregnant.

CyberAly

@mshack007 I coulda used that kinda thinking 18 weeks and 2 days ago!

Pony-girl

@mshack007 Is that a message for the mothers of these guys? Because, yes!

FoxyRoxy

The guy I'm seeing casually but NOT DATING (I must be clear on this), does #18 all the time and I thought maybe I was being too... sensitive but now I think I'm not. It drives me crazy and when I call him on his black jokes and point out hey, I'm actually black he says, "But you're different." Now that I've typed this out, I realize it's pretty messed up. This was late but useful.

wee_ramekin

@FoxyRoxy Yeah, I totally gasped aloud at that one. You are NOT being too sensitive. These dudes are being assholes!

ripolicious

an ex ended our relationship by stating that he "needed to go through a selfish phase".

ironically, this 'selfish phase' came two weeks before valentine's day and my birthday.

BScottie

An ex of mine from way back when broke up with me via MySpace message while he was OUT OF TOWN, because he didn't want to "lead me on" anymore (even though he wanted me to meet his family). He ended it by saying, "Please don't be mad at me." Mad? I was LIVID. I called him a pussy, and then I felt better. :)

BScottie

@SassyAsh I later found out he was cheating on me the entire time with a Hooters waitress. So glad I'm not 19 anymore.

cassandra.sandra.dee

I'm going to print this bracket and whip it out of my purse next time my therapist tries to tell me that my apathy towards men is a way of suppressing my fear of rejection. Please, it's assholes that I fear! The one thing giving me hope about being 25 and never having found myself a boyfriend is that I've successfully managed to avoid all of this shit. Because damn, ladies. How do you even.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@cassandra.sandra.dee I know! Though I think having a juicebox boyfriend is like a rite of passage we all need to go through just to really KNOW our own worth. So glad I only had one and his nastiness was so obviously his own shit projected onto me that it didn't leave any lasting scars. That said, I hope you're the first to break the pattern and go straight into a relationship with someone nice rather than suffering the detour in AssholeVille

cassandra.sandra.dee

@skyandgorse Blerg...Is it just me or do rites of passage totally blow? I am doomed forever! Dying alone! I refuse to believe that I am only human, and thus perfectly capable of allowing myself to fall for huge jerks, just as billions of smart and cool ladies have been doing since the dawn of time.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@cassandra.sandra.dee Let the experiences of the Hairpinners serve as a Red Flag Flagging Device and you'll be fine!

hairdresser on fire

I think I'm selectively blocking some good vintage juicebox comments (oh, to be 17 again). In recent memory, I was sort of breaking up with this bartender dude (a non-relationship type of thing, so non-breaking up??), and:

me: So really, what am I to you? Am I good for anything?
him: (long, long pause) Well, you're alright at singing.

Same conversation: "I just really, really want other guys to fuck you." Um? Thanks?

StrawberryPickle

I was 17. My then-boyfriend, calling me after his stepfather was hurt (like, one broken bone) in a bike accident: "I just don't want to see you for a while. I feel really violent for some reason and I don't know what I might do."

I never found out what the stepdad's broken bone had to do with him maybe wanting to hurt me. Also once when we were not-quite-having-sex, he suddenly put both hands around my neck and choked me against the bed to show me what it felt like when I "kissed his neck too hard."

Lumpy Space Princess

Shoot, wish I'd gotten in on this! My long-ago, long-term, live-in ex was the worst.

Getting into the car after the abortion we got (my mom was there for support and to pay HALF of the bill)- "Oh my god, your mom is such a bitch-" ...then railing on about her for ten or twenty minutes, I don't know, I was still in a drugged up haze.

And THEN maybe the next day - I got up and tried to walk down the hallway to get the mail, and fainted. I came to and called for him to help, and he shouted from the bedroom, "Well! They told you not to walk around a bunch!" Then he went out and got drugs that night.

He also thought it was funny/smart to say 'I hate you!" instead of 'I love you', didn't stop playing his computer game when I was bawling because my childhood cat passed away, and at the later end of that relationship, he told me he was glad I was fat now, because if I lost weight he was worried I'd have the confidence to leave him.

I ended up just leaving him while I was still fat.

What'sUpMakeup

@Lumpy Space Princess Oh, jeezus, I feel you girl. The day of my abortion, my boyfriend at the time dropped me off two blocks away from the clinic because there were like three people with pro-life signs protesting and he said he "didn't want them to yell at him". Then he said to call "when I was done" and he would get me. Well, I called and called for two hours with no answer. I finally just took the bus with what felt like basically a dozen maxi-pads in my pants. When I got home, he was just waking up and said, "Oh, that was fast." Then, "What? Why are you crying?"

We deserve so much better.

Lumpy Space Princess

@What'sUpMakeup Oh mah gaahhhhd that's awful. I'm so glad we're in better places now! (I'm assuming we're both in better places now because how could we possibly be in worse?) Also, I like your icon!

Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook

I don't know if I feel better or worse after reading this. On the one hand, I feel solidarity that I'm not the only one to survive a shockingly asshole-licious break-up. On the other - DAMN. This doesn't give me much hope that my next SO will be any better.
My ex-bf's comment:
After being crazy-in-love for 18 months, never fighting, and talking about moving in together (WHICH CAME FROM HIM, BTW), he abruptly said one day, "I can never marry you." Me - WHY??? Him - "I don't know." Of course this didn't satisfy, so I begged him to elaborate in an email. I really wish I hadn't, because his reasons included statements such as:

"You either don't exercise every day or you don't tell me when you exercise. I worry about what you'll look like in 5, 10, or 20 years."

"When you get migraines you can't do anything. I wonder how many times I would have to get the kids ready and get them to school because you would be too sick?"

"You don't watch documentaries; you're not politically active." [He doesn't even vote; while I attended the freakin' Commission of the Status of Women at the United Nations earlier this year!!]

Wow. When I type it all out like that, I realize again what an incredible moron he is.
But seriously, can we have a "best things" bracket to balance all this out? I need to have my faith in the existance of sweet, good, boyfriends restored.

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook I definitely think a 'best things' bracket is a good idea! This stuff is enough to make anyone never go outdoors ever again for fear of meeting one of these asshats.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles Yes excellent idea! An Anti Assholes thread to show us single-and-looking ladies that there are as many nice, mature dudes out there as there is naaasty

Inspector Tiger

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook Oh please, let's do that! I am slowly losing faith after reading all the comments... I need confidence for the new boy!

Saiko

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook Sweet Jesus...this makes the blowjob guy look like an adorable silly goose

wee_ramekin

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook HA! I also love that he just automatically assumed that you would be the one being the primary caretaker of the kids.

What a fucking jerk. (Sorry, this whole post has made me really depressed. Almost every one of these statements would qualify as emotional abuse in my world. No wonder we drink so much! Holy sads, yo.)

moonshiner

"You're holding me back from transcendence."

BScottie

@moonshiner I can't. Did his soul immediately escape his body and hurtle itself out beyond the Milky Way after telling you this?!

BScottie

@SassyAsh I just can't stop picturing a guy going, "Phew, now that I got that off of my chest, here I gooooooooooooo!"

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@moonshiner Your response: 'You're holding me back from punching you in the face'

Saiko

@moonshiner Pffft I had one of those. I hope he finally lifted off because otherwise he's definitely homeless somewhere

CyberAly

@SassyAsh omg you just made me choke on the water i was drinking and it came out my nose. OUCH!

BScottie

@CyberAly Oh, no! I'm equal parts sorry and flattered.

BScottie

Another ex, in response to any remark I made to him that made our relationship appear anything less than perfect (I'm talking small shit here, bullshit that all couples feel/deal with when trying to navigate a romantic relationship, ie: 'when you said this, it made me feel like that'), would go, "Oh, so I'm an asshole now? I'm a fucking asshole?!", punch a wall, and leave the room. I broke up with him because, yeah, he turned out to be a fucking asshole.

Kara Reynolds

After hanging out for like 6 months and finally sleeping together, introduces me the next morning, "this is my neighbor." I guess we did share an alleyway.

annev6

Did anyone else chuckle a little at #18? I mean, it's somewhat clever, at least. Right? Guys?? No?? Just me?? Right... I'll show myself out.

CyberAly

@annev6 yes i did. silently.

darianlo

@annev6 Oh yes, and #12 was made even more chuckle-friendly by the fact that I'm currently wearing wedges. My boyfriend doesn't seem to mind them though? At least he doesn't emotionally abuse me for wearing them, so I guess I've got a winner?

jgirl

@annev6 haha yeah I did!! It would make a really great joke, just a little rude to say to your gf.

WWVMD

My boyfriend once told me I looked like someone who should be on What Not to Wear :(

kayjay

OH YAY! I'm so glad you did this!! Can I play? Please? Do you have three hours? No, I'm kidding, here's just a couple:

Ex-husband, the day before I went into labor with our daughter, on the phone while he was at work: "I mean, what do you plan on DOING WITH YOUR LIFE??!"

Same ex-husband after I got cast in the first musical I had been in in nearly a decade: "So, you're going to be hanging out with a lot of theatre fags, right?"

First boyfriend, right after I had just (successfully) given my first blow job: "You'll get used to the taste."

bexinthecity@twitter

An ex once told me that I "didn't have the body to run a half-marathon." I have gone on to run 5 full marathons (#6 is in October) and countless half-marathons.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@bexinthecity@twitter Your response to him: 'You don't have the brain to understand how the human body works'

Cavendish

"I'm worried you're going to use being pregnant as an excuse to get fat." -- My now-ex-husband.

He said a lot of horrible things to me, but that's the one I remember most clearly!

Hamburger Hot Dog

My all-time favourite:
My ex (though he was not my ex at the beginning of the phone call) telling me how he was in love with someone else - "I started to cry because I realized I was finally happy."

mrbill

Registered just so I could contribute one from the other team: after I broke up with her because things just weren't working out (we'd discussed it at length, and I finally had to pull the trigger), two weeks later when I told her my cat had passed away from old age: "Oh, she died because she missed me."

"You're too girly to go to law school." Said by an ex, who is also a woman.

*looks around... in law school? check. with a job offer for after graduation? check. in the field of my dreams? check check check intellectual property in the arts community check.*

cwmilton

[After months of long distance flirting and sexy skyping with implied promises of commitment in the future, we're on gchat and--]

Me: So what you're saying is, you're dating someone else... you've been dating someone else for a while.
Him: Yeah. We're about to make it Facebook official. But, I mean, she kind of sucks?

Watts Up?

Oh, this reminds me of one of my college kinda-sorta-boyfriends. He was a pretentious douchebag (the kind that keeps an Armani tux in his closet at the frat house - yes, I'm shamefacing right now that I ever diddled this juicebox), and at one point, while we were sitting in his room, downloading music on Kazaa and watching "Pre", said that he "could never bring home a girl that didn't have rich parents, because his mother would never approve." Yeah, I came from solidly middle-class stock...a fact he was very much aware of, natch.

Thank jeebus we ended up never speaking again after he tried to date rape me in the bathroom at my friend's apartment during a party. He was a real fucking winner.

darianlo

I'd say my worst was when my ex and I were having our penultimate break up fight and he yelled "I've never wanted to hit a girl before, but you make me want to!!" at me before stalking off when I was simply asking him to cease being a shitbox boyfriend... *oh, romance*.

CyberAly

Oh this article...I laughed, I cried, I thanked my lucky stars that as stupid as my ex is being right now, he hasn't quite made it into this competition yet. Mostly his stupidest thing is that "this has been hard and painful for me too." This will have even more irony after I give birth to our child in a few months.

Leonor

[After trying to fit into a friend's skirt and being too fat for it and crying to the bf for support] "Exercise. For the love of god."

[After having an amazeballs day with my best friend at the first BHLDN store in Houston and pretending like one of us was getting married in order to try on all the amazing dresses, she naturally sent my bf a picture of me in the dress b/c I looked smokin...and he said],

"I'm gonna go try on catheters, adult diapers, and new balance sneakers -- things Iiiiiiiii won't be wearing for another 25 years."

[And in response to my best friend after she sent the pic]: "I barf on your princess dreams."

Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook

COMMENCING "BEST THINGS BRACKET" - One time my first real bf and I were walking around a park next to a river and we came to a gazebo. There was a sign that said it was technically called a "Belvedere," which is a covered outdoor structure that which views a body of water or frames any beautiful scenery. My then-bf turned to me and said, "If a belvedere is something you look out at something beautiful from; then I must be inside one every time I look at you." Turned out to be a mega-douche with issues, but I'll never forget that. It still makes me smile. Plus - now I'll always remember that a belvedere is not just a sitcom butler. AND, GO!

wee_ramekin

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook

I don't have any "Best Things". **soooooooooooooooooooooooob**

Ahem.

Elsajeni

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook My personal favorite:
Me: [looking in mirror, unkempt] Uch. I look like a butt.
Boyfriend: [evaluative look] Well... you look like a princess's butt.

(SPOILER: I married him.)

bookbike

@Whitney Elizabeth Walton@facebook (after returning from a few days away) boy: *excitedly* seriously, did you do something beautiful to your face while i was gone??

disorganization

At first I thought I had sleepwalk-commented and that #5 was secretly mine, but apparently there are multiples of this dude? From the same boyfriend (paraphrased from things he would tell me over and over -- YES, he would repeat these sentiments on occasion):

"My main motivation in getting close to people is because of what I can get out of them. I just want certain things out of a friendship or relationship, things that will benefit me. I even do it with my family. What? I'm selfish. I'm really selfish. I'm fine with it."

kitchenwitchin

"You're really pretty... but if you lost 50lbs, you'd be out of my league."

WHY DO THEY THINK SAYING THESE THINGS IS OKAY?!!?!?! >:(

literary_hippie

"You're just not girlfriend material": What my college boyfriend told me as he broke up with me. I think he put it out on the man-wire, too, because that's what all the guys seem to think. #tragicspinster

mija

After telling him my dad had just died . . . "So, should I like come in town or something?"

Theresa Borkowski@facebook

right after making out "being alone with you makes me want to vomit"

rosalind

"So I should have called you at 1am while you were off doing yoga?"
"alternately you could have not fucked her."
"That's unrealistic."

pixieg

Whaaat? 11 is worse than 15.

clogs

When I broke up with one guy, it was pretty obvious he thought all the time we were dating that I was supposed to be more grateful for his attention because I wasn't exactly a hot item in the dating pool (me being a single mother on welfare - and him being a high paid VIP) his parting shot was, "A lot of guys don't like single mothers, you know!"

clogs

My face was painfully swollen after getting 4 wisdom teeth extracted. I was on painkillers and still feeling miserable. That night, my husband wanted sex. I refused and he sulked, "It's only your mouth that hurts." That marriage didn't last long.

Michael William Crichton@facebook

I am not seeing why 32 is so horrible. And 26 doesn't fit with the rest at all.

fondue with cheddar

@Michael William Crichton@facebook It's only horrible because he said it just after she took off her clothes.

Jessica Nicholas@facebook

An ex-boyfriend told me he felt justified in treating me poorly because I was too short to breed and he was too distracted by the horrible possibility of having children with me someday. "I don't want my son to be that short guy at the club none of the girls want to dance with."

fondue with cheddar

Wait...how did I miss the part where you "asked [us] to anonymously pass along the best [we've] heard"? Dammit.

Anyway, here's mine, though I need to put it in context. I spent the last few years of my marriage in a deep depression. I couldn't afford therapy, so I bought a book* to see if I could help myself. My husband started reading it too, which I took as a good sign because it meant that he wanted to at least understand my condition, and maybe even help me get better. Unfortunately, after a couple of chapters his bookmark didn't move. After we separated, I mentioned the book and asked why he stopped reading it. He said, "It just didn't interest me." Ouch.

*The Noonday Demon, a fantastic book which I highly recommend if you or someone you love is depressed. It's written by someone who's been there.

Amanda McNeil@twitter

While breaking up with me to go have a relationship with the bitch he cheated on me with: "You're too crazy to ever have a relationship."

trappedinabay

A Jewish ex, on the topic of never wanting to introduce me to his family: "My grandmother would spit on you." (I'm of Germanic heritage.)

jgirl

My first boyfriend said, during my first time having sex (but not his), and I complained that it hurt, "stop acting like I'm raping you".

molls

Also - if you ever date a guy who is familiar with the nuances of the different Golden Girls personalities - he's gay.

frenemy

"I don't want to treat you like a consolation prize..."

uzbetsystan

3 semesters into a 4-semester graduate school program my [ex] bf and I met in and were attending together, he got a job he had wanted with the biggest, douchiest consulting firm in the world. He said to me, "I came here for a job, not a girlfriend" and dumped me on my birthday.

weetzie

We ran out of condoms, and he wanted to have another go and just pull out. I said no. He said "I don't get what the big deal is... I've done that [pulling out] with loads of girls before and none of them EVER got pregnant."

I went for an STI screening the next morning.

Theodora@twitter

"Awww! You're so smart, baby!"

.....he was serious.

Summer Terra@facebook

"You have 5 good years left, your face is still pretty" ex to me when I was age 31

Carolina Pal@facebook

My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is ogbologbotemple@gmail.com so i had to contact him and in just 4days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough what what he did for me, i am so grateful. I even spoke to the spell caster over the phone, to confirm his existence. His email again is: ogbologbotemple@gmail.com

Carolina Pal@facebook

My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is ogbologbotemple@gmail.com so i had to contact him and in just 4days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough what what he did for me, i am so grateful. I even spoke to the spell caster over the phone, to confirm his existence. His email again is: ogbologbotemple@gmail.com

Velvet Foster@facebook

My name is velvet foster I am from Florida my Testimony goes to mojo spiritual temple, Me and my ex breakup 4 months ago and he told me that he don’t love me any more and went to be with another Girl’s was still in love with him and need her back I try to get him back but all my effort was in vain until I reach out to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of a spell caster, I decided to give it a try and I contacted him and tell him my problem. He cast a love spell for me and guarantee me of three days that my ex will come back to me and to my greatest surprise my ex come back to me and beg for forgiveness and promise never to live me again, I am so happy my ex is back to me again, thank you ultimate Dr mojo Paul for reuniting me and my ex back together again. If you need him to help you Email mojospiritualtemple@yahoo.com

slutberry

My name is Slutberry I am from Nebraska my Testimony goes to Spambot Temple, My goldfish went off to another bowl, and I was so sad, in my despair I reached out to the Internet for help, I found this Spellcaster Spam Bot, I even talked to him on the phone to verify, he sounds a litle funny cuz he lost his voice in a Spell, anyway after three days my Goldfish come back, he is the fish I sued to know, all my gratitude goes to SpellCaster SpamBot at bot.com

kingking12

i am maris mirker from canada.
My ex-boyfriend dumped me 0ne week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you dr okudu You are truly talented and gifted. Email: okudutemple@gmail.com is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful spell caster.

kingking12

I never knew people still have powers and make things happen in a twinkle of an eye. my name is sandra leeks, am from american. my boyfriend harry scot left me for another girl for three months' ever since then my life have been filled with pains, sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 21 years old about two years ago. A friend of mine, kido mathew told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr okudu that he can bring back my lover within some few days. i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted the great priest on my behalf and to my greatest suprise after four days my boyfriend called me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me badly and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can't believe it, because it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr okudu for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great priest here is the email address: okudutemple@gmail.com.a great spell caster.

Laurajason12

I am from united kingdom am here to testify in the good name of this God-sent called Dr Adams for the great things he has done in my life.. First of all i want to thank mareen for the post she made on how Dr Adams helped her in bringing back her lover. At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted Dr Adams and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i asked him if he has helped anyone called mareen and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover. I said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 48hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 48hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Steve voice.i was so happy he was begging me and crying on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift i was so happy and he made me had access to his account SSN ATM pin and beneficiary to all his account am so happy today with the help of Dr Adams. He has proven to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady again and stay with me forever, Am so happy today and am also thanking mareen for posting this early.Dr Adams you are truly a man of your word. He can also cure diabetes, cancer or any kind of sickness and he can solve any kind of problems in this world. Friends i believe Dr Adams is a man to trust and believe on. You don't need to cry anymore Dr Adams has been sent to clean our tears you can contact him on dradamsjohnsoncentre12@ gmail. com or cell phone +2348061568574.

Laurajason12

I am from united kingdom am here to testify in the good name of this God-sent called Dr Adams for the great things he has done in my life.. First of all i want to thank mareen for the post she made on how Dr Adams helped her in bringing back her lover. At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted Dr Adams and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i asked him if he has helped anyone called mareen and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover. I said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 48hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 48hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Steve voice.i was so happy he was begging me and crying on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift i was so happy and he made me had access to his account SSN ATM pin and beneficiary to all his account am so happy today with the help of Dr Adams. He has proven to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady again and stay with me forever, Am so happy today and am also thanking mareen for posting this early.Dr Adams you are truly a man of your word. He can also cure diabetes, cancer or any kind of sickness and he can solve any kind of problems in this world. Friends i believe Dr Adams is a man to trust and believe on. You don't need to cry anymore Dr Adams has been sent to clean our tears you can contact him on dradamsjohnsoncentre12@ gmail. com or cell phone +2348061568574.

doreen3015

Hello Friend

I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart which I want to share with everyone. My name is Doreen. I had a misunderstanding with my lover a few years ago; which led to us to break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful love more prettier than myself, but as time went on I met Doctor Zaza. He is a great spell caster (medicine man ). I contacted him through his email and explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness. I bought an item that he told me to buy for the preparation of the spell. After everything was prepared he told me that my lover will come to me with 24 hours begging. My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy. Do you have any problem with your loved one? Do not know what to do? Well worry no more because Doctor Zaza can provide you with a spell to get him or her back. With the help of a spell just as he helped me. Contact Doctor Zaza today via email for your spell: indiaspellcaster@hotmail.com

Jennifer Grace@facebook

Thank you thank you DR ABULU for what you have just done, for helping me geting my husband who left me with two kids april last year to me i thank you so much the great DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com for bringing back my family i am greatfull and will always be if you also need his help his email . abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com or his website, http://abuluspiritualtemple.webs.com

Jennifer Grace@facebook

HI My Name is Jennifer , I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called dr ABULU of( abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost family to me with his great spell, I was married to this man called James we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get he back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) then you wont believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back and after a month I miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother a baby girl, thank you once again the great ABULU for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact he today on his mail (abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com or his website, http://abuluspiritualtemple.webs.com and he will also help you as well.

cena53058

Well it me laugh out loud, its really amusing sayings that I ever have read, I enjoyed my stay here.
welding shops in md

Moniquee Curryy@facebook

My Names is Monique Curry ,AM from United states .i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in June last year on a business summit i ment a man called Dr Dahiru, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to taxes my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address: arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com

Michelle Leonard@facebook

HI my name MICHELLE LEONARD AM FROM Ottawa, Canada i want you all to hellp me in thanking DR ABULU who help me with my problems. My husband and i have been married for eight years now ,we live happily as good couples until a friend of mine cast a spell on my husband. he abandoned me and the family, he didn’t even want to see me at all because he was under a spell. it was now getting to six months since my husband abandoned me and i was frustrated and don’t know what to do until i meet this great spell caster on line, I tell him my problems and he give me four days assurance that he will come back to me. He help me break the spell that was caste on my husband and to my greatest surprise the fourth day my husband came knocking on my door and beg me for forgiveness. once again thank you DR ABULU you can also contact him through his mail abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com his website, http://abuluspiritualtemple.webs.com

Michelle Leonard@facebook

Thank you thank you DR ABULU for what you have just done, for helping me geting my husband who left me with two kids april last year to me i thank you so much the great DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com for bringing back my family i am greatfull and will always be if you also need his help his email . abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com or his website, abuluspiritualtemple.webs.com

1963248500@twitter

to dump him to win his love anyway. If you dump him and he then decides to be with you instead of living with his ex and dating other people, you may be onto something. If not, maybe you can make a go of it with someone else you’re seeing. indoor dog fences and gates

bill.marks

he we forget his family. so i pleas Dr Simon to help
me. he truly did it for me every thing real work fine. am so happy Dr,Simon did a great work in my life. if you are interested

bill.marks

did it for me every thing real work fine. am so happy Dr,Simon did a great work in my life. if you are inter ested rent a tent

Tucker Conrald@facebook

A GREAT SPELL CASTER (DR. TEBE) THAT HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX GIRL FRIEND BACK TO ME.
Am so happy to testify about a great spell caster that helped me when all hope was lost for me to unite with my ex girl friend that i love so much. Am from CANADA and my name is TUCKER CONRAD, i had a girl friend that love me so much but something terrible happen to our relationship one afternoon when her girl friend that was always trying to get to me was trying to force me to make love to her just because she was been jealous of her friend that i was dating and on the scene my girl friend just walk in and she thought we had something special doing together, i tried to explain things to her that her friend always do this when ever she is not with me and i always refuse her but i never told her because i did not want the both of them to be enemies to each other but she never believed me. She broke up with me and i tried times with out numbers to make her believe me but she never believed me until one day i heard about the GREAT DR. TEBE and i emailed him with his email greattebespelltemple@gmail.com and he replied me so kindly and help me get back my lovely relationship that was already gone for two months. Am so happy and all thanks to the GREAT DR. TEBE that help me with his white love powers. If you have any kind of problem email him now for help with his email greattebespelltemple@gmail.com or call him with his number +2348112277054 His web site address is http://greattebespelltemple.webs.com

Tucker Conrald@facebook

A GREAT SPELL CASTER (DR. TEBE) THAT HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX GIRL FRIEND BACK TO ME.
Am so happy to testify about a great spell caster that helped me when all hope was lost for me to unite with my ex girl friend that i love so much. Am from CANADA and my name is TUCKER CONRAD, i had a girl friend that love me so much but something terrible happen to our relationship one afternoon when her girl friend that was always trying to get to me was trying to force me to make love to her just because she was been jealous of her friend that i was dating and on the scene my girl friend just walk in and she thought we had something special doing together, i tried to explain things to her that her friend always do this when ever she is not with me and i always refuse her but i never told her because i did not want the both of them to be enemies to each other but she never believed me. She broke up with me and i tried times with out numbers to make her believe me but she never believed me until one day i heard about the GREAT DR. TEBE and i emailed him with his email greattebespelltemple@gmail.com and he replied me so kindly and help me get back my lovely relationship that was already gone for two months. Am so happy and all thanks to the GREAT DR. TEBE that help me with his white love powers. If you have any kind of problem email him now for help with his email greattebespelltemple@gmail.com or call him with his number +2348112277054 His web site address is http://greattebespelltemple.webs.com

Brim Nichol@facebook

i want to thank God for using dr. trust as my source of savior after 2year of joblessness and my lover left me alone for 2 years,Have just been heart broken until i go in contact with dr. trust after i saw a ladies testimony on how she was helped by this same dr. trust,So i decided to get in contact with him and when i told him all my problems he laughed and said this is not a problem that everything will be ok in 3 days time.Exactly the 3rd day my ex lover called me i was shocked and what surprise me the most was that a company i applied for over 4 month called me and said i should resume work as soon as possible.Am so grateful to dr trust if you wish in contacting him ULTIMATESPELLCAST@YAHOO.COM or is cell number +2348156885231. He do cast the spell as following

(1) If youant a child.
(6) You w want your ex back.
(2) you need a divorce in your relationship
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women & men to run after you.
(5) If you want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband & wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) Herbal care
Contact him today on: ULTIMATESPELLCAST@GMAIL.COM

Kite Monica@facebook

i from USA i want to share my testimony with the world and also thank a great man called dr malawi racum for bringing joy into my life. it started like this,i hard a true lover celled James brown who promised to love and marry me,we both lived peacefully. one day he met a girl celled Betty and he loved her very much and decided to follow her living me behind,i tried all my effort to make him come back to me but he still decided to be with her.one day i saw an old friend of mine that told me about a great man celled dr malawi racum by name and i said let i give it a try and i contacted him, he told me what i am to do and i did exactly as he said, before the next 48 hours my ex lover came back to me if you need the help of this great man you can reach him on his email address SPELLOFSOLUTIONTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM or contact his cell phone number +2348072371282

BoatGirl

Ex-High school boyfriend: "I usually only date really hot blondes with big breasts."

Ex-college whatever: "YOU got a master's degree?!?"

lasso tabasco

My German (EX) boyfriend and I while I was studying abroad in his country:
Me: Why won't you ever speak English with me?
Him: Because it's a stupid language. Your whole culture is just really dumb and I hate it. I'd like you a lot better if you weren't American."

sea_gyrl

while there are many many contenders for worst thing a partner ever said to me, the one that takes the cake is when my boyfriend told me ON MY 30TH BIRTHDAY that I had "lost my sparkle."

Tùng Đào@facebook

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Tùng Đào@facebook

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Chibi Chiki@facebook

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1674633738@twitter

I from USA i want to share my testimony with the world and also thank a great man called dr malawi racum for bringing joy into my life. it started like this,i hard a true lover celled James brown who promised to love and marry me,we both lived peacefully. friv 2

nyctomato

Said by bf of 4 yrs:
"I really think you're perfect in almost every way except I just can't see not raising my kids with a Christian woman."

Literally a WEEK later I find out he has a FIANCE who is not me.

stroopwafel

[ex boyfriend]: "So, I've been living with my ex-girlfriend for the past six months. No, no, don't worry-- She didn't know about you either." RAGE.

purefog

WTF is up with all those weird Dr. A encomiums just a few posts up? Some kind of strange spam? Please, moderator, get rid of them. They are almost creepy.

Chibi Chiki@facebook

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Chibi Chiki@facebook

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Anderson Moon Anna@facebook

Testimony of my life!!

I am Anna Anderson from UK, after 4 years in marriage with my husband,
he divorced me and brought in another lady, i did all i could to get
him back but all proved abortive, until a old friend of mine told me
about a spell caster Dr.ODUDUA on the internet who helped her in a similar issue, at first i doubted it but I decided to give it a try, when I contacted him (dr.oduduwasamuelhightemple@gmail.com) he helped me cast a re-unite spell and within 48 hours me and my husband come together again. Contact this great spell caster on your relationship or marriage problems and counseling at dr.oduduwasamuelhightemple@gmail.com

Best Regards,
Anna Anderson.

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Shahzaib Soomrow@facebook

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Us Yonda@facebook

Hi DOC OBODO ,the love spell really work perfectly just receive a call from my ex this morning pleading for my forgiveness and asking me to take he back ,every one DOC OBODO is the right person to contact for help and here his contact info: templeofanswer@hotmail.co.uk ,+2348155425481 so that you can also be testifying to his good work

From Anonymous saying living in Georgia USA

Bright Jack@facebook

IS A TESTIMONY, I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS UNTIL I MET THIS SPELL CASTER CALLED DR UNITY. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE'S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I'M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE WOMAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 3 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 3YEARS... I REALLY LOVED HER, BUT HER MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND I HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 48HOURS WHEN I WAS IN MY HOUSE IN USA,SHE CALLED ME BY HERSELF AND CAME TO ME, APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HER MOM AND FAMILY AND SHE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY GIRLFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO... WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY WIFE ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS;unitylovetemple@gmail.com THANKS DR UNITY FOR YOUR GOOD WORK. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS unitylovetemple@gmail.com

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Shahzaib Soomrow@facebook

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Ldialu Jefferson@facebook

MY HIV HEALING TESTIMONY
My mouth is short of words, i am so so happy because Dr.ohehe
has healed me from HIV ailment which i have been suffering from the past 5years now, i have spend alot when getting drugs from the hospital to keep me healthy, i have tried all means in life to always i can become Hiv negative one day, but there was no answer until i found from Dr.ohehe the paris of african who provide me some healing spell that he uses to help me, now i am glad telling everyone that i am now HIV Negative, i am very very happy, thank you Dr.ohehe for helping my life comes back newly without anyform of crisis, may the good lord that i serve blessed you Dr.ohehe and equip you to the higher grade for healing my life. i am so amazed. so i will announced to everyone in this whole world that is HIV positive to please follow my advice and get healed on time, because we all knows that HIV disease is a deadly type,contact Dr.ohehe for your Hiv healing spell today at: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gma.com.... He will be always happy to assist you online and ensure you get healed on time, contact Dr.ohehe today for your healing spell immediately, thank you sir: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gmail.com

Ldialu Jefferson@facebook

I AM BELA i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to DR.utimate who brought back my love that has left me for 6years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get this boy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to DR.utimate and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address:utimatespellhome@gmail.com

Frank Marian Frank Marian@facebook

>Hello my name is frank Marian from USA I never
>believe in love spells until I experience Dr.
> DR Ofemo temple, and after he cast a love spell for me
>my Ex called me to apologize for the pain that she has
>caused me and till today we are living a happy family,
>if you need a right place to solve your problems
>contact DR Ofemospelltemple@gmail.com is the right choice. he is a
>great man that have been casting spells with years of
>experience, he cast spells for different purposes like:

>(1)If you want your ex back.
>(2) if you always have bad dreams.
>(3)You want to be promoted in your office.
>(4)You want women/ men to run after you.
>(5)If you want a child.
>(6)[You want to be rich.
>(7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours
>forever.
>(8)If you need financial assistance.
>(9)Herbal care
>
>Contact him today on: drofemospelltemple@gmail.com

Edwin Wallace@facebook

Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is Edwin Wallace i live in United State,and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(supremetemple@hotmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {supremetemple@hotmail.com},i f you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr Papa for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.(supremetemple@hotmail.com}, Thanks..

Sheri Sanstra@facebook

A great spell caster (Laco) the spell caster that brought my boyfriend back to me. my name is Leah Snyder i want to testify about a great spell caster that helped me when all hope was lost. I broke up with my ex boyfriend with just little misunderstanding hoping we will get back shortly,but things was growing worse until i contacted Dr (Laco) who help me with his powers to bring him back, i have never believed in a spell caster until i come across Dr (Laco)Well it will be of great sin if i should go out from here without dropping the contact of this great spell caster,in case you need the help of this great spell caster you can contact him through his email address:(lacopowerfulspellcaster@yahoo.com) once you contact him all your problems will be over,once again i say very big thanks to you sir for helping me to recover my ex boyfriend, and please sir keep your good work cause people may need your help.

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:= Business problem
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:= Physical problem
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:= problem in your love
:= Willful marriage
:= Promotions our wised love back
Get all solutions in your life within 36 hours and with 99% guaranteed.

Frank James@facebook

Am happy from USA i want to share my great experience to the whole world about how i got my lover back to my arms after we departed for 4 years i never taught that i could have him back in my life until i met this great man named Dr jaja who showed me true powers of spell, Me and Larry Broke up 4 years ago ever since i have not been my self although i have been in several relationship i have not seen who is as good as Larry, so ever since i have been thinking about him, so i had to tell my friend about how i feel for Larry that i wish if i can have him back to my arms, so that was when my friend told me that she was reading a love review the other day when she saw how somebody commented on how she got her lover back with the help of a man named dr
jaja . So that was how i told her to show me the site were she read the reviews so that was how she showed me and i saw so many reviews about this great man how he helped a lot of people even the sick, without wasting anytime immediately i collected his contact and called him and told him what i want, he just laughed over it and told me not to worry that he will come back to me, so that was how i waited to see what will happen, so surprisingly i got a call from Larry. i was like this is a dream, but later realized that it was reality, Larry was crying and pleading on the phone that he missed me a lot that i should come back to his life, i was like is this real? until he came to my house and went on his knees pleading to me that i should forgive him, so that was how we got united again with the help of great
jaja, and now we are happily married, thanks be onto dr jaja for what he has done for me, if you need his help you can contact him through pekokospelltemple@gmail.com

Frank James@facebook

Am happy from USA i want to share my great experience to the whole world about how i got my lover back to my arms after we departed for 4 years i never taught that i could have him back in my life until i met this great man named Dr jaja who showed me true powers of spell, Me and Larry Broke up 4 years ago ever since i have not been my self although i have been in several relationship i have not seen who is as good as Larry, so ever since i have been thinking about him, so i had to tell my friend about how i feel for Larry that i wish if i can have him back to my arms, so that was when my friend told me that she was reading a love review the other day when she saw how somebody commented on how she got her lover back with the help of a man named dr
jaja . So that was how i told her to show me the site were she read the reviews so that was how she showed me and i saw so many reviews about this great man how he helped a lot of people even the sick, without wasting anytime immediately i collected his contact and called him and told him what i want, he just laughed over it and told me not to worry that he will come back to me, so that was how i waited to see what will happen, so surprisingly i got a call from Larry. i was like this is a dream, but later realized that it was reality, Larry was crying and pleading on the phone that he missed me a lot that i should come back to his life, i was like is this real? until he came to my house and went on his knees pleading to me that i should forgive him, so that was how we got united again with the help of great
jaja, and now we are happily married, thanks be onto dr jaja for what he has done for me, if you need his help you can contact him through pekokospelltemple@gmail.com

Luis Mary@facebook

After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called EZE MALAKA and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: extremewhitelovespell@yahoo. com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS WEBSITE ADDRESS is http://extremewhitelovespell.webs.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

Francisco Lumger@facebook

MY NAME IS FRANCISCO

BE CAREFUL HERE, NOBODY CAN HELP YOU HERE OR EVEN SUGGEST HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR EX OR LOVE BACK,ANY TESTIMONIES OF MOST SPELL CASTER HERE MUST BE IGNORED.BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE SCAM I MEAN REAL SCAM WHICH I WAS A VICTIM AND I GOT RIPPED OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO GET MY WIFE KATARINA BACK AFTER SHE LEFT ME FOR OVER 2YEARS WITH MY 3YEARS OLD SON JERRY,I HAVE APPLIED TO 7 DIFFERENT SPELL CASTER HERE I MET ON THIS BLOG AND ALL TO NO AVAIL THEY ALL ASK FOR SAME THING SEND YOUR NAME YOUR EX NAME ADDRESS AND PICTURE PHONE NUMBER ETC WHICH I DID OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND MOST OF THEM WERE FROM SOUTH AFRICA, I WAS SO CONFUSED AND I WAS ALWAYS SICK BECAUSE OF THIS PROBLEM AND I WAS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE KATARINA BACK TO ME I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND COULD DIE FOR HER. I SAW THIS Email Online ABOUT DR USMAN KERIM THE GREATEST SPELL TEMPLE, (dr_usman.spiritualist@outlook.com) TEMPLE OF BLACK AND WHITE IN NIGERIA, AND I DECIDED TO MAIL HIM.HE TOLD ME THAT ALL MY PROBLEM ARE OVER SINCE I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT HIM FOR HELP, HE TOLD ME TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND MY EX WIFE KATARINA AND I DID, I TOLD HIM ALL THAT HAPPENED FROM THE BEGINNING. AND HE SAID TO ME MY CHILD WHAT YOU JUST EXPLAINED TO ME NOW IS A LITTLE PROBLEM TO HANDLE COMPARE TO SERIOUS PROBLEMS I HAVE HANDLED, I WAS SO SHOCKED AND I SAID TO MY SELF WHAT PROBLEM COULD BE MORE SERIOUS THAN THIS. HE TOLD ME WHAT I NEEDED TO DO AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, BUT WHAT HE SAID LOOK SIMILAR TO WHAT I HAVE HEARD IN THE PAST, I WAS HAVING DOUBT ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF PAST EXPERIENCE, BUT I DECIDED TO TRY SINCE HE IS FROM NIGERIA HE COULD BE REAL AND DIFFERENT. SO I GAVE HIM 50% OF MY TRUST. THIS WAS LIKE I MAGIC AND DREAM COME TRUE TO ME, AFTER TWO DAYS WHEN THE SPELL HAS BEEN CASTEED, KATARINA FLASHED ME AT ABOUT 9.PM I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE KATARINA AND WANT HER BACK. BY 7.AM THE NEXT MORNING SHE GAVE ME ANOTHER MISSED CALL I DECIDED NOT TO CALL BACK AS I WAS STILL ON SHOCK, AT ABOUT 10.AM THAT MORNING SHE CALLED AND I PICKED SHE SAID CAN WE SEE AFTER WORK TODAY I SAID YES SO SHE ENDED THE CALL IMMEDIATELY I GOT OFF WORK SHE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME WERE TO MEET HER, I WAS STILL ON SHOCK, BEHOLD WHEN I GOT THERE I SAW KATARINA CRYING WITH TEARS ALL OVER HER EYES, AND SHE SAID TO ME MY HUSBAND, I AM SO SORRY IMMEDIATELY I HUGED HER AND KISSED HER WHICH I HAVE MISSED ALL THIS YEARS. ALL THANK TO DR..USMAN KERIM. IF YOU ARE A MAN OF A WOMAN READY THIS AND YOU ARE PASSING THROUGH SIMILAR PROBLEMS LIKE MINE, DO NOT FAIL TO CONTACT THIS GREAT MAN DR.USMAN KERIM HE IS REALLY INDEED A REAL SPELL CASTER.

HE SPECIALIZE ON THE BELOW PROBLEMS

(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) To care HIV/AID or related illness
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) Are you a contractor and you want to win contracts
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
(8) If you need help spiritually.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10)Stop Divorce
(11)Invoking of Money Ritual

And many more..

Mobile number...+2348057756157

Email...dr_usman.spiritualist@outlook.com

website...http://dr-usmankerimspiritualtemple.yolasite.com/

Lisa Rabiye@facebook

Marriage/Relationship Approval Spell from dr.marnish is amazing and worked very well for me. dr.marnish@yahoo.com solved my Relationship problem just in 3 days. I hope to work with dr.marnish again in the nearest future, if you need help call him +15036626930

octavinsu

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shahzaib11

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Shahzaib Soomrow@facebook

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Samuel Bolaya@facebook

indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life. Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out.
1. To care HIV/AID or related illness
2. Bring back lost lover, even if lost for a long time
3. Remove bad spells from homes, business & customer attraction etc.
4. Get promotion you have desired for a long time at work or in your career.
5. Read all your problems before you even mention them to him
6. Remove the black spot that keeps on taking your money away
7. Find out why you are not progressing in life and the solution
8. Eliminate in family fights
9. Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities
10. Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart
11. I destroy and can send back the Nikolos (water spirit, sleepless nite, up presses by wicked powers,) if requested
12. heal barrenness in women and disturbing menstruation
13. Get you marriage to the lover of your choice
14. Recover stolen property and whereabouts of people that hurt you.
15. Bring supernatural luck into
16. Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
17.Get your scam money back

you can reach him here or if
Interested Persons should contact me via E-mail :
drsambolatemple@outlook.com

Dr. Sambola

shahzaib11

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