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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

42

What’s in Cosmo for Guys, the iPad Magazine?

On Monday Hearst released Cosmo for Guys, an iPad-only magazine in which the editors of original Cosmo lead men on a safe-for-advertisers romp through the female psyche. To find out what’s inside, I convinced my stepfather-in-law to install the app on his iPad and download the inaugural issue. Thankfully he had only one question: “Do they still do the centerfold?”

Alas, Cosmo for Guys is both more and less raunchy than ’70s-era Burt Reynolds lounging on a bearskin rug. Multimedia can be that way? There’s nothing close to full nudity to speak of, but there is an audio guide for decoding her bedroom sounds. Is she a Faker? A Mute? A Pollster? The Faker is the best (NSFW).

To draw out the Mute, fire yes-or-no questions at her (make sure you do it in a soft whisper). If the Pollster is asking you too many annoying questions, you should occupy her mouth with your tongue.

But we’ve gotten ahead of ourselves. How did we make it into bed with one of these O-faced ladybots?

Wooing is a simple matter of give and get. Cause and effect. Lo, the dance of seduction:

Here is what women want, according to Cosmo for Guys: borderline stalky text messages, no questions when we spend too long in the bathroom, nipple biting (unless we live in Manhattan!), an indication of the spinach stuck in our teeth, cocktails containing vodka, and an Italian stallion who can move around the bed with the strength and ease of a jaguar.

And if you are smart enough to apply some Axe Buzzed Look nonsticky styling cream and some vanilla-and-pepper cologne that’s supposed to smell like Matthew McConaughey, in return you will get:

Mind-blowing sex (in 3-D!).

The 3-D feature lets you explore three different sex positions from every conceivable angle. Really it’s 2-D, and actually more like the additional views on Zappos, but with a pleasing freestyle control. Skip the advice (what is a woman’s leg crease?) and go straight to manipulating the weird nippleless human Legos in free space. If you have ever wondered what sex would look like on a glass-bottomed boat (or going downhill on a roller coaster), now you have an image for it:

CFG will also help you troubleshoot those awkward situations that get in the way of going at it. (Sex is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans, right?)

Like, even when you go all crazy on her Helen Gurley Brown, she still may not want to go down on you. Use the same strategy you would to correct a dim colleague at work, minus the bit at the end (I think):

[N]ext time she kisses her way south, sandwich instructions between compliments: "Oh my god, that feels so good. I love when you lick up and down the shaft. Yeah, just like that, you're amazing at that. Oh, yes, it's awesome when you use your hands." If you're not going to orgasm from the effort, interrupt her with high-intensity sex...

And when she discovers porn in your browser history:

Tell her you love her, call her a goddess, and swear (as often as is necessary) that she melts your face off in bed and out.

It sounds gross, but your lady’s face-melting properties might actually make you more attractive to her. Because if you look too much alike, she could be more inclined to cheat. (And she is also likely to cheat if she owns a lot of leather-bound books, so make sure you only buy her paperbacks.)

It’s a confusing world! But you will be OK if you find the right hoodie.

See, it’s important to wear a fitted hoodie because here is a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal in one, and did you know you can also wear a hoodie under a blazer for an extrasexy look? Just don’t confuse it with a cardigan, which is the thing with buttons that should not be shorter than your shirt.

Helpfully, actual funnyperson Amy Schumer makes an appearance, in a video warning you away from neck beards and black vests. (“We love pirates!”)

You can also hear women describe their naughty times with impeccable enunciation. (Seriously, the phrase “sex session” requires focus.) Voice actors, real women, anthropology grad students? Who are you?

Oh, and here is the map about nipple biting in New York (pink is yes, yellow no).

Lamar Clarkson is an Atlanta-based freelance writer.

42 Comments / Post A Comment

L M
L M

could we maybe get a jump here? I'm pretty sure my work considers that 3D illustration verboten...

L M
L M

thanks, Edith!

redheaded&crazy

I would really just like to know what the faker sounds like. Too bad I'm at work.

fondue with cheddar

@redheadedandcrazy I want to know what ALL of them sound like! This post was such a tease.

parallel-lines

How to put a scrunchy on his balls - now in 3D with genuine male screaming in pain sound effects and video testimony.

Mad Dog

@parallel-lines: Cosmo taught me that a scrunchy is for balls and dirty underwear is what you use to tie your hair back. I feel like Princess Ariel - that comb is for eating? WHAT OTHER HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS HAVE I BEEN USING WRONG, COSMO?

atipofthehat

@parallel-lines

Scrunchy scars are a badge of honor for some men.

Judith Slutler

That is a cornucopia of insanity on par with a mid-90s black-and-white photocopied "zine" you'd find on a park bench in Seattle. Only made by women who've never actually had any sex with men.

Mister Horrible

@Emmanuelle Cunt For men who have never actually had sex with a woman.

melis

HORRIBLE HUMAN CENTAUR OH GOD HUMAN CENTAUR

queenofbithynia

@melis If you mean the G-Spotter picture, no way, that is a human-spider hybrid. Her other four legs are in back.

applestoapples

@queenofbithynia A human-spider hybrid doing Fosse choreography.

melis

*tiny tiny tiny screams*

leonstj

Who makes enough money to own and iPad and wack enough to read this?

I feel like this is why so many things are getting more fucked up right now. Not that it's like, the cause, but this is the fever that accompanies the viral infection.

Quinciferous

@leon.saintjean Some businesses (school districts, airlines) are finding that giving their employees iPads saves on the costs of distributing enormous amounts of printed material (daily communications, 5,000 page flight manuals). So, maybe board jet pilots and third-grade teachers?

leonstj

@Quinciferous OMG pilots would read this. If they're anything like the one I knew (judging an entire profession based on one dude is how it works, right?).

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@leon.saintjean: Not all pilots are juiceboxes, but let's face it, a lot are.

QuiteAmiable

How does one go about conducting a geographic poll on nipple biting? Random phone calls?

Kneetoe

@QuiteAimable: Well, let's start with you: love it or leave it?

Judith Slutler

@QuiteAimable I fear it might have been random nipple-biting, to be honest.

QuiteAmiable

@Emmanuelle Cunt My fear (hope?), as well.

atipofthehat

@Kneetoe

I'll bite!

Kneetoe

@atipofthehat Not too hard, though. Just a little nip.

cherrispryte

Seeing as Cosmo itself is all about SEXY SEXY WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN, isn't regular Cosmo ultimately for guys as well?

Mad Dog

@cherrispryte No, Cosmo is for ladies because it helps them fulfill their ultimate desire - to please men!!!! Now excuse me while I go dust my breasts with icing sugar and install a video screen in my stomach with a 24-hour ESPN loop.

leonstj

@NatashaMcG Maybe on your back too? We men like variety. And looking at Chris Berman while fucking.

El Knid

@leon.saintjean He... could... go... all... the... way!

Mister Horrible

@leon.saintjean Rumblin', bumblin', stumblin' to the finish!

The Lady of Shalott

But wait, why is she holding her hands up at that angle while having sex in the first place? Is she pretending she's on a roller coaster? Isn't sex enough fun without also imagining yourself into an even MORE exciting situation?

Kneetoe

@The Lady of Shalott She's obviouly faking.

Stevie

@The Lady of Shalott That took me a second, too, but turns out they're doin' it doggy style, and the camera is underNEATH them...like if they were on top of a glass table and you were under it, being a perv. So her hands are propping her up.

The Lady of Shalott

@Stevie That makes INFINITELY more sense. Well, as much as this entire weird thing makes sense at all.

gimlet

Hey, it's got to be some kind of progress that the ridiculous degrading bullshit insidiously marketed to make sure women are insecure docile consumers is now also being used on men, right?

Right?

Oh god I can't take it this is still awful make it stop aggghhhh

jane lane

Ok new life plan: moving to a yellow dot area so that guys will stop biting my nipples.

Megasus

I don't understand the whole "pushing aside my clothes" thing. Especially if you're wearing pants.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Megan Patterson@facebook: I thought all women wore drapes all the time?

kayjay

That pictures is LIES. She has no leverage! And why is she signaling for us to Stop! In the name of love?

becky@twitter

sideboob, apparently.

youtiaoas

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becky@twitter

@youtiaoas it's really not an unexpected surprise when you see this post multiple times. just sayin.

Highball

Cosmo is pretty sexist and all about pleasing "your man" (does anyone really call them that?) so I was hoping the men's version would tell them what pleases us most or how they can try harder.

Nope.

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