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Thursday, August 4, 2011

249

The Case Against Vodka-Sodas

"[V]odka-soda drinkers are like jilted lovers; they've often had brief relationships with other spirits in the past, and walked away feeling scarred and skittish. Reluctant to open old wounds, they have trained their palates to crave neutrality. The phrase I hear most often is, 'I don't want to taste the alcohol.' In effect, they want the punch but not the flavor."
—Bartender Michael Neff is only halfway right about the vodka-soda, but he's completely wrong about whose side to take in this story about the first date, because that lady sounds like an asshole.

249 Comments / Post A Comment

Lily Rowan

All you taste is alcohol in a vodka-soda! There's literally no other flavor. I don't understand.

heb
heb

@Lily Rowan Right? I order these so I know I've got a worthwhile bartender.

Lily Rowan

@heb I mean, I agree that I'll get it when I don't want a lot of flavor (except usually I get fruit vodka, so there's that flavor), but if I don't want to taste alcohol, I'm drinking some fruity-juicy bullshit.

raised amongst catalogs

@Lily Rowan When you're right, you're right. Also, at the risk of having this bartender decide who I am because of what I drink: Um, I'm sorry, but there are some brands of vodka that give me a bad headache and some (I'm looking at you, Grey Goose) that do not.

likethestore

@Lily Rowan I need a new drink, I'm tired of cran vodkas. What flavour vodka do you like with your soda?

Lily Rowan

@likethestore I usually get Stoli O (orange), but literally anything is good.

itsasatchel

@likethestore try Grey Goose La poire. There is another pear vodka floating around somewhere but it is vile? But GG's is really wonderful. I don't know, for me. But obviously I put ketchup on steak and sprite in my champagne and...pepper...on my...caviar?

raised amongst catalogs

@itsasatchel Every time I order a Grey Goose cocktail from now on, I'll be expecting to hear the sound of a needle scratching across a record and for all of the patrons to be horrified.

itsasatchel

@vanillawaif This. Luckily I have a bottle in my apartment, and bartenders will henceforth not be allowed to see it.

Bebe

@likethestore I like Citron and soda, but really any vodka will do. I prefer it with a lemon, for some reason - just so refreshing.

emilylou

@Bebe I do "vodka-soda, splash of lemonade" ...lemon intensity in my mouth! (and liver.) yeah, maybe kind of annoying compared to a classic VS, but I've passed the point of caring if my drink is annoying. Plus basically all bars have lemonade in their gun.

fosherbert

@likethestore Blueberry Stoli with soda and a lime is a party in your mouth! And I'm not even that into blueberries in general.

Bebe

@emilylouise I love vodka with lemonade! if you make big pitcher and freeze it, it turns into a slushee! or so I've heard.

Elleohelle

@emilylouise I do "vodka soda, splash of cranberry"- it tastes literally like a fizzy vodka cranberry... but I cringe every time I order it because I get self conscious that the bartender thinks that I'm high maintenance.

Lily Rowan

@emilylouise You're in the UK and mean fizzy lemonade, right? We don't have that in the US. :(

ejcsanfran

@vanillawaif: along with the sound of dozens of monocles crashing to the ground.

Ophelia

@fosherbert Ooh, the Stoli Razz with soda and lime is also delish.

raised amongst catalogs

@ejcsanfran You just made me laugh so hard I half-swallowed my gum.

VictorVictrola

@likethestore PEAR VODKA
it is a thing, and it is amazing.

Kneetoe

@Lily Rowan: I'll have a vodka soda, hold the soda.

likethestore

@VictorVictrola I want this in my mouth immediately.

emilylou

@Lily Rowan Nope, I'm in Seattle. But in my drunken Euro travels discovered fizzy lemonades (UK!) and vodka + Fanta Limon (Spain!) and it changed my life/drinking habits (let's be honest, basically the same thing) forever.

young preeezy

@Lily Rowan Exactly! All you taste is vodka. AND you can get just as drunk (if not more) than other fruity-cocktail-drinkers without all the added calories. Fuck this guy.

ejcsanfran

@vanillawaif: Likewise with the needle-scratch, which is in the pantheon of sound effects - like the TPIR Losing Horns.

Lily Rowan

And for the record, I totally left work and started drinking Stoli O and sodas!

tiny dancer

@likethestore I like all Stoli fruit flavors, but especially the hard to find blackberry. So crisp and refreshing.

carpetblogger

And you minimize the sugar and calories! I don't understand either.

Titania

@carpetblogger Amen. I order vodka sodas because I go out to cocktail hour events for my job an average of four nights a week. If I were to start ordering sugary, complicated drinks with mixers or drinking alcohol straight up, that would not be good for my waistline or my professional career. But I always decline to specify a particular kind of vodka, because above a certain, basic line (i.e. your bottom shelf is fine, your well vodka is not) I know I can't taste the difference once I add a little lime juice.

My summer go-to for when I don't want to taste the alcohol is a vodka and ginger ale--I swear to god it calms my tummy even as I get quickly and joyously sloshed. When I do want a serious drink, I will chat with the bartender and figure it out based on that.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Titania: Dang lady, that is a solid plan.

steve

@carpetblogger
+1 on ginger. My favourite cocktail bar does an awesome ginger cocktail, it's basically just gin and freshly squeezed (!) ginger juice, with a tiny amount of lime juice and sugar syrup.

insouciantlover

@Titania This makes me want to go drinking with you!!!

boyofdestiny

@Titania Is your company hiring?

Lucienne

@steve Where is your favorite cocktail bar and will they move into my basement?

scully

@Titania I have the same strategy! When drinking professionally (tradeshow free bar anyone?) I always order vodka soda with a lemon. Not only is it no sugar and calories, but you are basically having a drink of water with every cocktail. When drinking for fun my cocktails are much more interesting.

Mister Horrible

Here's the case against vodka-sodas: you could be having a gin and tonic instead, which is a better drink in so many ways.

L M
L M

@Mister Horrible gin and tonics are so sweet, though--vodka sodas are so refreshing.

but not as good as a paloma, because tequila+grapefruit+bubbles.

Clare

@Lucia Martinez You are singing my song, woman! Palomas are heavenly. And when they salt the rim? UNF.

parallel-lines

@Lucia Martinez Cheap gin makes a man mean. Good gin is too exquisite to cover up with tonic.

cloudburst

@Mister Horrible I love gin & tonics. People tell me it's an old lady drink?

Bebe

@Mister Horrible Yeah well, Captain Beefeater and I are no longer on speaking terms after that time he made me fall off a barstool, flirt with a bartender I knew was gay, call my ex and demand that he come over at 3am, drop the phone in the middle of the call to go puke, then pick the phone back up to yell at my ex for have the audacity to booty call me at 3am, then puke again until I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. Not cool.

insouciantlover

@Mister Horrible Ack, I can't bear tonic! The quinine taste makes me go blech.

theharpoon

@cloudburst They definitely don't think it's a young lady drink anyway, is the reaction I get.

Judith Slutler

@Bebe I feel like your ex deserved that phone call, both halves of it.

Brunhilde

@Lucia Martinez: Gin and Tonics so sweet? Your bartender is doing it wrong. Here's what mine does: Fill a pint glass with ice, pour 10 counts of gin, fill the remaining 1/2 inch of pint glass with a splash of tonic, add 3 limes. Mmmmmn. Only 6 more hours until one of these babies is all mine.

Bebe

@Emmanuelle Cunt He kinda did, actually.

@insouciantlover Tonic is disgusting!! Yuck! And it leaves this weird coating on your tongue and teeth -what IS that? Double blech.

dietrich

@parallel-lines Although I'm not afraid to put Old Raj in a gimlet. I said it.

gimlet

@Mister Horrible Exactly. Why drink vodka when you can drink gin?

<---------- obviously biased.

ranran

Gin and soda! Gin and soda! Gin and soda! It has everything that you like about vodka sodas (except the not tasting like anything part I guess, but that's weird anyway) AND everything you like about gin and tonics! GIN AND SODA! It tastes like......a GIN SODA! omg imagine if they made gin sodas that you could just get out of a vending machine. Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Also, if you want, you can ask for multiple limes, and then just squeeze them into your drink and make your own gin rickey! Which is the best drink in the world, and super simple, and yet bartenders (at least at the places I go) never know how to make it somehow.

parallel-lines

@ranran I used to improvise a cherry-lime rickey with a little grenadine and a few lime wedges - it's basically a shirley temple w/ soda instead of ginger ale and a full pour of your choice of liquor, plus said lime wedges.

sam.i.am

@ranran WHYYYYY does no one know how to make a gin rickey?! If I'm at the bar in a quiet enough place, I'll teach the bartender. They're just so bubbly, and just a little sweet, and soooo refreshing.

And don't even start me on Tom Collins. He and I are the very best of friends, even if I have yet to meet a bartender who's well acquainted with him.

gimlet

@ranran @parallel-lines current obsession: muddle a bunch of strawberries at the bottom of a glass, pop some ice in there, pour in a ton of Hendrick's, top off with soda, drink, then get happy. A drizzle of simple syrup is good in there too if you want it sweeter.

Ophelia

@gimlet Add cucumber! Let it soak in all the goodness, and then eat. Sweet-weird delicousness.

dietrich

@gimlet OH oh oh i just recently did something similar but with BLUEBERRIES! We picked all these wild blueberries and I muddled/blended them with Hendricks and topped with a little lemonade and seltzer, and it was amazing!!!

gimlet

@dietrich @Ophelia OH MY GOD YOU GUYS CAN I COME OVER

Ophelia

@gimlet Yes! Hendricks on the deck, kids?

sam.i.am

@gimlet

Wonders to self if this will work with Tanqueray and cherries... Or Stoli and cherries... Or Bullit and cherries...

Cavendish

@Lucia Martinez I've never heard of that but it sounds amazing!

L M
L M

@Brunhilde I think basically any G&T tastes sweet to me, because I like my gin (Plymouth) to be dressed with a splash of vermouth, a twist of lemon, and olives on the side. mm, dry martini, ily.

of course my usual drink is macallan 12, rocks. if anyone at the NY pinup wants to get me a drink. just sayin.

gimlet

@Lucia Martinez I hear you. When I'm in I Want To Drink And I Don't Want To Fuck Around mode, I like a cold glass full of ice and gin with a can of tonic on the side. Just add the tonic in as you drink the gin and it's like a whole new cocktail with every sip!

I wish I were cool enough to like martinis. Maybe someday.

dietrich

@gimlet Please!

L M
L M

@gimlet I defy you to watch Auntie Mame (rosalind russell, not lucille ball) and not leave it craving a martini.

"Auntie Mame says olives take up too much room in such a little glass."

teaandcakeordeath

@gimlet
Hendricks is my favourite drink, and Gimlet is my new hero.

parallel-lines

The only, and I mean absolutely only reason I will order a vodka soda is if I'm on some sort of diet where I feel bloated and sad but refuse to quit drinking (this happens quite often). I always thought this drink was a favorite of the skinnygirl (trademark, patent pending) set?

Elleohelle

@parallel-lines Vodka+Diet has the same effect but is a little more palatable, IMO.

Tragically Ludicrous

@Elleohelle I'd rather have no taste than aspertame taste. ewwwww.

tiny dancer

@parallel-lines I'm not really on the up and up in regards to the whole skinnygirl thing. But vodka sodas are just so refreshing, especially in summer. I drink vodka sodas for half of the year and whiskey neat for the other half.

LonelyDoll

But...Baby Dayliner endorses them!

JessicaLovejoy

Ha, this guy would not like me. There's vodka in the fruit punch, rum in the apple juice, either I ran out of mixers or I run THE SWINGINEST DAYCARE IN TOWN!

Titania

I agree this woman sounds unbearably pretentious. Maybe she really does love bourbon, neat, but that sounds like the kind of thing you order on a first date to impress a dude with your badass-chickness. I always find people who have a signature drink to be kind of sad, really--especially at a serious cocktail place like where the guy who wrote this works, you're way better off perusing their cocktail list or talking with the bartender about what you're in the mood for than you are ordering the exact same martini you've had nine thousand times before.

melis

@Titania "I can't believe she changed [her drink order] for him."

MissMushkila

@Titania But can I also just say that I sort of hate the whole "whiskey-drinking lady" badass thing? Whiskey drinks are generally my favorite, but I'm always sort of confused by the whole "oooh lady who drinks whiskey" shit. I started drinking bourban beverages when I lived with three other ladies and that was their drink?

I mean, why are so many liquors "man-liquors"? I've heard people say similar things about gin (which I hate) and scotch. Is vodka all we ladies get? I mean, I have gotten trashed on vodka cranberrys as much as the next lady, but still...

And I am young (22) and find the whole thing stressful because going to a bar when you turn 21 and being just expected to KNOW what you want without a menu or other guidance is stressful. Everyone is staring at you and you have no preferences so you just get what the person next to you is drinking. So then I found out that I like bourban but apparently should be worrying about whether this makes me look like a cool bad-ass non-lady lady or a pretentious bitch.

I think I need a drink...

Titania

@MissMushkila No, I mean, listen, it's totally cool if you actually do like bourbon! And I have fully colonized gin as my liquor of choice; I know a lot more women who like it than men, actually. It just has echoes to me of a bad Cosmo quiz like "On a first date, you order a...A. Vodka cranberry--amateur hour! B. Beer--you can hang with the boys, but watch out for burps! C. Red Wine--sophisticated and smart, but will you fall asleep before dessert? D. Whiskey on the rocks--you're sexy, no-nonsense, and can handle your liquor!" Why are we privileging typically male drinks over typically female drinks as being somehow better and cooler, bartenders, hmm??

And don't feel like you have to know what you want. I have one go-to drink (a vodka soda!) for when I'm in the kind of crappy dive bars that I mainly frequented when I was 22, but you should always feel free to ask for a drink list or to ask, "What's your favorite whiskey cocktail?" to a bartender in a place where they ought to know what they're doing.

MissMushkila

@Titania Oh no and I wasn't offended or anything, I just am very confused by the gendering of liquor. Is this cosmos fault? I'm going to blame cosmo. Cuz I totally know what you mean.

(also I spelled bourbon wrong TWICE in that first post. so I'm not sure how legit that is :P)

itsasatchel

Aren't vodka soda drinkers concerned that they won't get enough quinine? Aren't they worried about malaria? Watch out, vodka soda drinkers!

melis

@itsasatchel At least with the lime they can continue to fend off scurvy.

Lady Pennyface

Wait, this bartender says a Manhattan takes three minutes to make? Really? I have never worked as a bartender, so feel free to school me, but it isn't the most complicated drink, right?

melis

This is from the guy who wrote an impassioned article in defense of the free pour, so.

Lady Pennyface

@melis Ugh, I had to look it up, and almost bashed my head into my computer from the pretension.

...However, if that means this Free-Pouring Moron spends 2:30 of his 3-minute Manhattan just pouring booze in a (presumably giant) glass, I will take two, please!

Katie Walsh

@Lady Pennyface Manhattans can be ridiculously easy. A perfect Manhattan is dry/sweet vermouth, blended whiskey and bitters. Cherry. Some people get all crazy with the orange rinds but I don't think it needs it.

parallel-lines

@melis I miss the days of free pours. With jiggers, bartenders can be more tightfisted and you get less booze (usually this is a result of management wanting to use less product/make more money). Back when there was free pours it was up to a bartender to determine just how stiff he made your drink (tipping well and being friendly generally worked in your favor).

melis

Some of us spent all weekend canning bourbon-soaked sour cherries so that come November we can hole up in our tiny apartment and drink exquisite Manhattans until we can't find the door. Oh god, will summer never end.

parallel-lines

@melis Oh girl, I will swap you a few cherries for one of my horseradish, dill and pepper infused blody marys with homemade pickled green bean garnish.

melis

@parallel-lines I wish I liked bloody marys SO MUCH. I've tried and tried and for you I would try again. I will also seriously mail you a jar if you want.

Ophelia

@melis Can I get in on this with some homemade pickles? I will swap many, many pickles for an exquisite manhattan.

melis

mallory dot elis at gmail dot com! Ask, receive, etc!

Ophelia

@melis As soon as I figure out how to make shelf-stable pickles, you've got yourself a deal (if I tried to mail the ones I make now, I might accidentally give you food poisoning).

melis

@Ophelia A little vodka will clear that right up.

DorothyMantooth

@melis I will now forever hear your comments in Jessica Walter's voice.

melis

@DorothyMantooth Lucille winkGood.

DorothyMantooth

@melis You are magic.

Brunhilde

@melis please please point me toward bourbon soaked canning cherries recipe. I already have my canning stuff out from making jam for my sister's kids all last weekend.

cloudburst

Vodka sodas are responsible for the time my coworkers took me to a gay bar with gogo dancers and I drunkenly stuck a dollar in the dancer's briefs and giggled and slurred "he's so smooth, like a seal!". So up with vodka sodas, I say

becky@twitter

@cloudburst i want to work where you work.

lbf
lbf

@cloudburst OMG "156" avatar! So many high-fives over the internet!

becky@twitter

someone needs to invent a qream soda drink for the next meetup.

science is sexy@twitter

@becky@twitter Last night I was at a party and a girl turned to me and said "do you guys have Qream yet?!" (I work at the local booze shop). I said, "Hairpin?" and she said, "What, no? Pharrell! It's for ladies!"

becky@twitter

@science is sexy@twitter i asked the liquor store closest to my work if they had it in stock, and am fairly certain the two gentlemen working there thought i was hitting on them.

itsasatchel

@becky@twitter ...were you able to resist pronouncing it "Qweam"?

becky@twitter

@itsasatchel haha yes. they were all, "pharrell, like the singer guy?" clearly, they are not in qream's demographic, nor avid watchers of mascara commercials.

rayray

@science is sexy@twitter I long to be in a situation where someone mentions something and I can just say 'Hairpin?' and then pretend its nothing when they look at me like I'm cray cray.

Stevie

@becky@twitter OH MY GOD, I saw Pharrell on the sidewalk outside of my office (in Times Square) two days ago, and I JUST REALIZED HE WAS PROBABLY PROMOTING QREAM! Why, oh why, did I not stop and ask him for a sample?

becky@twitter

@Stevie i would have qreamed myself.

City_Dater

I don't know... As a whiskey-drinking woman, I would be a little horrifed by a man who started with vodka-soda (weight-watching lady beverage) then moved to a generic chardonnay (often kind of gross and also a weight-watching lady drink). This is not a man who is going to own power tools or know how to pull hair.

Edith Zimmerman

@City_Dater Judge people not by the content of their glasses but the quality of their bar conversation.

Edith Zimmerman

@Edith Zimmerman OK that sounds incredibly stupid, but seriously! Drink whatever you want, who gives a shit! Life's too short.

atipofthehat

@City_Dater

This is why I always start with a flaming shot of WD-40.

atipofthehat

@atipofthehat

...and end with a nightcap of Vat 69.

melis

As long as someone is drinking alcohol, there's not a problem. "You're getting drunk? I'm getting drunk!"

LastMinuteLulu

@City_Dater Agreed. If I'm drinking scotch, I do not want to be caught sitting there with a dude drinking a vodka-soda.

MollyculeTheory

@Edith Zimmerman On the first drink of our first date, the Future-mister Theory ordered some amazingly frou-frou mango cocktail lol. But he also has great taste in single malt! Who knows!

theharpoon

I have a friend who routinely asks for the fruitiest, sweetest lady drink available, and I still love him.

parallel-lines

@City_Dater Both of those drinks are not respectable, but they are not as bad as the friend who recently went on a date with a man who got wasted off three appletinis.

Personally, I don't drink vodka unless it's in a bloody mary.

parallel-lines

@City_Dater Both of those drinks are not respectable, but they are not as bad as the friend who recently went on a date with a man who got wasted off three appletinis.

Personally, I don't drink vodka unless it's in a bloody mary.

atipofthehat

@MollyculeTheory

Is he a Talisker or an Oban?

A cask-strength Aberlour?

Lady Humungus

@parallel-lines Does your friend live in Buffalo? I think I went out with that guy too. Did he also want to smoke a joint in his car and then drive her to a trendy clubity type place for 21 year olds? But he was like 35? That guy sucked.

boyofdestiny

Wow. Nine thumbs-ups for the "vodka-soda drinkers are ghey" or whatever comment up there. I'm a little surprised.

parallel-lines

@Jengraf_80 Yes to all but the Buffalo part - maybe this dude gets around?

steve

@atipofthehat
Glenmorangie? Ardmore? Ardbeg?
Quarter cask Laphroaig?

the angry little raincloud

@City_Dater Ooh. You had me at the "pull hair" thing. Hi!

atipofthehat

@atipofthehat
I read it for the descriptions.

"NOSE: Dried bark, cinnamon, developing fruitiness, buttered crumpets (waffles) - pastry becoming treacle sponge. Vanilla pods..."

Elleohelle

@theharpoon I have this friend too! I tease him a little but he doesn't care and he drinks more manly drinks as well.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@LastMinuteLulu: Ye gods, what will people think!

Ophelia

@theharpoon Me too! What makes it better is that he's kind of a badass military guy, and his all-time favorite beverage is a ridiculous cocktail called a "flirtini."

LastMinuteLulu

@Too Much Internet It's not about other people, it's about what I think. Now, were he to order a qreamtini...

boyofdestiny

@LastMinuteLulu What do you think?

LastMinuteLulu

@boyofdestiny Not sure, still thinking.

Alixana

@City_Dater My husband drinks chocolate martinis. RASPBERRY chocolate martinis, if he can get them. And he knows his way around some power tools.

I do often feel sort of embarrassed on his behalf by the look he gets from bartenders, though.

brad

@Edith Zimmerman - "drink whatever you want". really. all this booze-posing is such sad horseshit. am i less of a man because i drink a gallon of carlo rossi sangria every single day? i guess maybe, but that's a different point. i follow the simple rule of drunkenocity. my first drink is something tasty. my second less so. and the rest can be the fermented urine of weasels for all my now numb palate cares. drinkeee!!

theharpoon

@Ophelia My friend is gay, and I'm pretty sure he will be excited to learn about the flirtini.

Tragically Ludicrous

@parallel-lines my dad loves fruity girl drinks. and there are three of us!

atipofthehat

This is why I always order a pousse-café. Especially when the bartender is in a hurry!

ejcsanfran

@atipofthehat: Ask a Passive-Aggressive Drink Orderer.

insouciantlover

@atipofthehat I've always wanted to make one of those! Although I can't imagine that they'd taste good.

science is sexy@twitter

@insouciantlover "The drink is made primarily as a delight for the eye rather than for its taste. It is sipped, sometimes through a silver straw, one liqueur at a time. The drink must be created and handled carefully, as the layers created will mix together into a brown sludge if handled roughly."

I just can't with this.

parallel-lines

@atipofthehat That drink was my final exam in bartending school - it almost made me cry.

Other drinks I hated people for ordering/hated making: daquiris, long island iced tea, baybreeze, and anything containing malibu.

bitzyboozer

@parallel-lines Agreed on all of those except daiquiris, unless you're talking about frozen ones or those abominably sweet fruit juice variations. Nothing wrong with a true classic daiquiri (rum + lime juice + sugar), or a Hemingway daiquiri for that matter. Long island iced tea, on the other hand, is an immediate bartender red flag.

parallel-lines

@bitzyboozer People always ordered the frozen ones and they took fucking forever to make--the blender was so loud people would get irked. Don't get mad at me - be mad at the crap drinker.

Lily Rowan

@parallel-lines I only started drinking Malibu in my 30s when I realized I don't give a shit anymore if anyone's going to judge me for a ridiculous drink. Malibu and pineapple is the bmb -- instant vacation!

Princess Slayer

@bitzyboozer I like you. The true daiquiri is my favorite drink.

Arla

@Lily Rowan I am also in my 30s and love Malibu, and I don't care who knows it. Haters gonna hate.

theharpoon

What about drive thru daquiris??? Always appropriate.

Creature Cheeseman

@theharpoon especially on the way back from the air port, or on the way to a saints game, or to the park, or home from work...

Poodle

I drink vodka sodas

A. Because they are refreshing(ish)
and
B. So I don't feel as bad about rocking off to sleep curled up next to a bag of blue Doritos and an empty Cup of Noodles

alphabiddycity

@Poods Seriously. I don't drink (semi)low-calorie drinks because I'm worried about my waistline, per se... it's because I know what I'm gonna do when I stumble away from the bar/kitchen/my friend's apartment, and that usually involves delicious, delicious junk food.

ejcsanfran

You know what? Fuck you, Mr. Bartender. And fuck you too, date lady. Really? You need another bourbon and bartender to commiserate with you because some guy had the nerve to drink a vodka-soda and a Chardonnay? Sounds like he dodged the bullet.

Jesus, of all the annoying parts of my day thus far, this is what sets me off? I guess I need a drink...

atipofthehat

@ejcsanfran

DON'T PISS HIM OFF!!!

He keeps a wiffle-ball bat behind the bar.

ejcsanfran

@atipofthehat: Or he'll come after me with his muddler.

atipofthehat

@ejcsanfran

Well, you'd deserve it! After all, he has declared these drinks to be inferior, by the powers vested in him!

cherrispryte

@ejcsanfran On one hand, "never piss off your bartender" is a really good rule.
On the other, I agree with you completely.

Eden

I will drink vodka sodas at home because I'm lazy and not good at making cocktails (I never quite outgrew the whole "liquor + whatever random liquid hanging out in the fridge" philosophy from college. And soda water is cheap).

I rarely order them in bars because I'm broke and cheap vodka kills (except I will drink a vodka cranberry every now and then). Usually, it's rum and cokes for me, or maybe some whiskey.

Why do I only comment on Hairpin posts about alcohol or with comments about drinking? I swear I do other things ...

Xora

I agree that the writer/bartender was too harsh in his judgment of vodka/soda drinkers. But I think the woman sounded okay. I'd drink with her. I'd make her choose drinks for me and then be all finicky about them. That would be fun.

Frisky@twitter

Vodka sodas are good when you're in the mood. Bourbon is good all the time. Haters gonna hate!

insouciantlover

This is bullshit. I drink vodka-sodas when I don't want a massive fucking hangover the next morning. Extra lime, please.

noodge

@insouciantlover : i like your gusto! one for me too, please!

Bebe

@insouciantlover Amen. I love rum and champagne and wine, but they are all soooo sugary and I'm convinced that makes the hangovers worse. But vodka - either martinis or vodka sodas - nada. Fresh as a daisy the next day. OK, maybe not quite daisy-like, but functioning and headache-free.

melmuu

OKChardonnay!

major disaster

This is going to show how little I know about drinking (god, I shudder to think of how much that bartender would judge me), but I am confused about why so many people keep saying a vodka-soda is what you drink when you don't want calories. Doesn't soda have tons of sugar and calories? Regular soda does, anyway, so it would still depend on what kind you ordered, wouldn't it? Or is "vodka-soda" something specific and calories-free?

noodge

@major disaster **coughclubsodacough*

major disaster

@teenie Oh, okay. No wonder this is completely off my radar. I absolutely hate carbonated but unsweeted beverages. (Not that I like the sweetened stuff much either, but I really, really can't stand the plain carbonation.)

WastedPaper

@major disaster Thank you so, so much for asking this! The "soda" part had me confused, too, but I didn't want to throw myself out there by admitting it. Thanks for taking one for the team! *cheesy high-five*

noodge

as the girls in West Philly say - vodka makes me "rammy"

L M
L M

@teenie where's that vodka jawn?

redonion

Aah! I am tired of anti-vodka biases. Drink what you like! Let other people drink what they like! Let's all get drunk on the drinks of our choices!

science is sexy@twitter

In case anyone wants to hate me, I regularly get scotch and sodas and if I want something sweet but still light I get a bourbon soda. I know! It's just, I get a gag reflex drinking liquor straight, like if I do a shot I will immediately throw up in my mouth, but I love the taste so I settle for a pale imitation :(

melis

@science is sexy@twitter Ohhhh do I hate you, I hate you so much, I'm going to FIND YOU, science.

catwithglasses

@melis @science is sexy Wait, people are supposed to hate me for scotch and soda? I was just writing an epic, joyous ode to the scotch and soda! So sad.

melis

@kmc Did I make you delete that later comment? I'VE COME UNDONE THROUGH MY OWN MACHINATIONS

catwithglasses

@melis Ha! No, seeing @science is sexy@twitter's comment did! I went into my ode to scotch and sodas and then scrolled up to think "wait, is it very uncool to be so excited about this drink?" But I will never not be uncool. And then I just made you sad and confused... more uncoolness!

Being They're

@science is sexy@twitter I've the same prob with straight dark spirits, but a "____ & soda" order never gets me close to the strength I like/want/neeeed. So now I stick with "double whiskey on ice, splash of soda." Starts out being too much, but slowing down is a good thing for me, and the ice does the trick so that it's wonderful about 1/3 of the way through. New problem is that the third one tastes okay on the first sip.

Cavendish

@science is sexy@twitter I love bourbon and sodas!

maevemealone

Well, wait you guys. If this date actually happened at Ward III where the bartender/writer works, then that's a bourbon specializing bar. If you dig bourbon, then she's not such a jerk for geeking out on a specialty glass of the amber stuff. Which all the more makes the dude look kind of lame up against that menu for ordering a vodka soda, but still... I guess I wouldn't drink that on a first date? Just because I'd get trashed and I need something I can pace myself better on while also drinking in large quantities. Like bottles of wine.

Bebe

@maevemealone But, if you HATE bourbon, and your date suggests a bar that you don't know and it turns out to be a bourbon bar, what are you supposed to do? Pay $25 a glass for something you can barely choke down? I think it's better to just order something random you know they will have and you will drink, rather than sputter and choke your way through something you don't like. Or, pull a Michael Scott and ask for a Splenda.

maevemealone

@Bebe Well duh, don't drink bourbon if you don't like it. Don't drink anything you don't like. But they do have an interesting drink menu there, several including vodka. He does seem to be ordering drinks in a pattern of retreat though, which is sort of funny.

Katie Walsh

Former Vodka soda devotee here. For me, it was just an easy default drink, after my old default, gin and tonic, and I had a huge falling out (calling into work hungover, ouch x a million). I don't like sweet drinks and I like getting drunk. Once I developed a taste for whiskey, I switched to whiskey soda or manhattans instead. I think it curbs my drinking a bit. I can pound a VS way too quickly, whereas if I'm sipping a whiskey and can taste it, I have infinitely less drinks, and thus, less girls gone wild time. I think Vodka sodas are for people who don't want to think about drinking. And that is perfectly fine!

boyofdestiny

"What you order at a bar—and how you order it—says a lot about you as a person."

No. It doesn't.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

I'll have the green eggs and ham, thank you!

Lily Rowan

@boyofdestiny I actually agree that it does say a lot about you. I just don't make the same judgements as liquor snobs do!

leonstj

@parallel-lines There's about the same calories in a whiskey, neat, as there are in a vodka soda. You could drink that! It is delicious! Even bourbon is only a tiny bit more caloric than vodka.

Most of the calories in alcohol come from the alcohol content, not the flavor.

parallel-lines

@leon.saintjean usually I'd get it if I were drinking in quantity and not quality (like I knew I was probably gonna have three more drinks at whatever crappy bar I was at before my friends were ready to leave but I didn't want to keep drinking beer, and oh well...fuck it, vodka soda me)

bitzyboozer

@leon.saintjean Eh, if your mixers of choice are Coke/Sprite or gross canned fruit juice this is not necessarily true. But then, if those are your mixers of choice you have bigger problems on your hands.

Tragically Ludicrous

@leon.saintjean no. no it is not delicious. Stop making things up!

melis

When I was but a baby dyke, I often frequented a wonderful neighborhood gay dive bar on the outskirts of Pasadena where they specialized in rainbow shots - you know, the one where they mix a drink that changes color as they pour it into each successive shot glass? Recently my heart was broken when a friend of mine suggested that it was a clear drink and each glass had a drop of food coloring at the bottom. This can't be true, right? There's a drink you can mix that...slowly...changes...color?

There's not one, is there?

boyofdestiny

@melis Dear Virginia, There is no Santa Claus.

melis

@boyofdestiny And to think that's what suckered me into the homosexual lifestyle!

boyofdestiny

@melis Funny. I was suckered into the heterosexual lifestyle by a tallboy of Schlitz and a pickled egg.

melis

Wanna switch?

insouciantlover

@melis There, there.

cherrispryte

@melis THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS. Basically, if you're incredibly careful, and layer the drink as you're making it, it pours out into different colors. THUSLY: http://www.geekologie.com/2010/09/black_magic_bartending_pouring.php

melis

@cherrispryte I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT WAS TRUE, I KNEW IT, CHERRI I WILL KISS YOU NOW

schadenfraulein

@melis The Boulevard??

melis

@schadenfraulein YES. You too??

schadenfraulein

@melis Yes. Me too.

 
melis

"Not the tankard of ale, old man," I said firmly. "The hot Scotch-and-water with a spot of lemon in it."

"You're absolutely right," said Bingo. "What a flair you have in these matters, Bertie. Hot Scotch-and-water it is."

melis

Well, now that you've deleted your comment, mine looks rather a non sequitur, doesn't it?

atipofthehat

@melis

Whose comment was that?
Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright's?

melis

That damned Tuppy Glossop, I'm afraid. Fellow caused me to plunge into the swimming b. in the full soup and fish after looping the rings back.

the angry little raincloud

I think I might be that lady (from the link). Why, Edith, are you saying she's an asshole? Am I an asshole?!? I've been on dates just like that one, too. And is this why I'm single: I'm ordering boozy booze while my gentleman companion is not?

Also, I have a date tonight. Should I order a chardonnay instead? Crap.

maevemealone

@ladysporksalot No! Order a double.

parallel-lines

@ladysporksalot NEVER, that shit is cat piss.

Edith Zimmerman

@ladysporksalot You should order whatever you want!! And I thought she sounded like an asshole bc she gave off the smug vibe of "look at this jackass ordering vodka sodas and chardonnay," which is like, no, turn the jackass mirror on yourSELF, girl! Everyone sucks!

boyofdestiny

Edith, didn't you know that only fey, impotent pansies order vodka sodas? Who would want to hang out with someone like that?

the angry little raincloud

@Edith Zimmerman But the dude was probably some hedge funding juicebox who was like, oh, look at me and my fancy vodka, I'm so awesome, and so is my apartment and so are my abs, oh who could resist me and my union-busting, capitalistic ways? And the lady, being awesome, was vowing never again to trust OK Cupid's match percentages and thinking since I bothered to shower for this, I might as well have a nice beverage. Or three.

Or something like that. Not that I'm projecting or anything.

For the record, I'll be ordering a martini tonight. Slightly dirty, Plymouth would be nice. I don't think this one's a hedge fund dude, but sometimes they're sneaky and pop up where you least expect them.

maevemealone

@ladysporksalot No, hedge fund douches order $300 bottles of wine, open it and send it back just because they can. Or they order 30 yr scotches and don't really like it but think they should. In all fairness, this guy probably was nice, just not much of a drinker. Or he has gluten allergies or something...

DorothyMantooth

@parallel-lines Actually, it's Sauvignon Blanc (which I love!) that is redolent of cat pee. #nerdalert

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@boyofdestiny: Right? When I walk into a bar I immediately shout PURE GRAIN ALCOHOL at the top of my lungs to no one in particular, and jam a paring knife into the kidney of the closest person with their back to me.

ejcsanfran

@Edith Zimmerman: When you open The Hairpin online store, the first thing you should sell (besides Qream and dollhead wine glasses, obv) is t-shirts with "no, turn the jackass mirror on yourSELF, girl!" printed on them.

theharpoon

@ejcsanfran I would prefer an "Unsubscribe" shirt.

ejcsanfran

@theharpoon: I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

VictorVictrola

Ctrl+F "Eastern European"
Vodka-soda for life.

Though nowadays I also enjoy me some English Harbour on the rocks.

VictorVictrola

@VictorVictrola at home that is; I should say- the most fun thing about going to the bar is perusing the drinks menu. There's a stout here that they drop a shot of espresso into at the table? I choose you, Pikachu!

Ms. Information

Perhaps we are a little like jilted lovers, but I for one enjoy a companion-drink that's familiar, comfortable. One that will keep me up all night AND let me have breakfast in the morning if you know what I mean.

sam.i.am

ME: "Hi, a gin rickey please?"

BARTENDER: "A what?"

ME: "A gimlet?"

BARTENDER? "What's in that?"

ME: "Belvedere and soda, please"

melis

Nooooo leave those bars immediately

maevemealone

@sam.i.am Sloe gin rickey used to be my go to drink for years before I got real understanding of cocktails. Then one day a bartender sneered at me "A sloe gin rickey? That what nun's drink." I was too ashamed to ever order it again.

Ophelia

@maevemealone Here I thought nuns drank single malt?

maevemealone

@Ophelia Clearly, a nun had never walked into his bar.

bitzyboozer

@sam.i.am Oh my goodness yes! Gin rickeys forever! Since I discovered them I think I will never order a vodka soda again. Sometimes I get anxious that bartenders won't know what they are, but it's a simple enough drink to explain anyway. Gimlets, I probably wouldn't test my luck.

stinapag

Clearly this guy and Bobby Heugal at Anvil are of the same mind.

Xora

@stinapag Are you in Houston??

Watts Up?

Citron and soda, bitches.

agba

This is why I like drinking in the UK (where I live) so much more than drinking in the US (where I'm from). Nobody in the UK would ever react to you like this. They don't give a shit. It's awesome.

*NB: I don't live in London

Cavendish

Is this where I can complain about an obnoxious bartender?

I was at the bar at a fairly fancy restaurant the other day, one with a menu of complicated fancy cocktails. They had a Sazerac, which I have always wanted to try. When I ordered it the bartender said, "Are you sure? The bourbon is pretty strong." W.T.F.??? I said, "Yes! I'm sure, thank you! I like bourbon!" Then my head exploded.

I usually drink bourbon at home either on the rocks or with soda, or G&T's. When I'm out I drink vodka gimlets or whiskey and soda. Vodka and soda just tastes like alcohol. So boring.

schadenfraulein

@Cavendish Ugh! This has happened to me before too. I ordered a Manhattan and the bartender said "Just so you know, that's like straight whiskey." Yes, I know.

young preeezy

@schadenfraulein Ahh!! That happened to me when I ordered some custom-made mint julep type of thing. "You know there's bourbon in it, right?" YES, that was THE ONLY REASON WHY I ordered that drink! I love bourbon! GOD!

MollyculeTheory

@Cavendish That is also when you say, "well, that's great about the bourbon, but if you are making it correctly you are making it with a rye." Obnoxious | obnoxious back & forth forever.

Cavendish

@MollyculeTheory Heh. I was wondering about that. I didn't remember it being bourbon based.

theharpoon

@Cavendish My Fancy Bartender friend went through a sazerac phase and I was so glad when it was over.

janbrady

Aw. I love bourbon, and old-fashioneds--even better. I'm no asshole, promise.

El Knid

What's funny is that at late as the 80's, drinking vodka was seen as exotic/trendy/pretentious Stateside, so it's kind of funny that in a relatively short period of time, a woman drinking whiskey has gone from coming off as uncultured to coming off as showing off.

Anyway, I think the anti-vodka prejudice can be unpacked thusly: Alcohol is an acquired taste. Like most acquired tastes, it makes a very strong immediate impression that, at first, is all you can notice, but once you get used to it, you find all sorts of flavors underneath that you actually start to enjoy, and can even come to love. (The fact that these flavors get associated with being tipsy doesn't hurt. It's not a coincidence that our three prevalent acquired tastes -- alcohol, coffee, tobacco -- are all psychoactive.) So as a lad or lass, everyone masks the booze taste as much as you can, and vodka lends itself to this. Gradually, if you are the sort of person compelled to expand your horizons and try new things, you'll develop a taste for the spirits themselves. So people who've acquired the taste for liquor tend to see people who still want to something tasteless as still drinking like teenager.

So to real drinkers, vodka-drinkers seem kind of like someone who isn't interested in discovering any music other than Top 40, or a grown-up who doesn't like "fancy" food. It's like, there's this whole great world out there that you might really enjoy, if you'd only give it a good shot.

Tragically Ludicrous

@El Knid Oh yeah, I totally forgot that vodka isn't for actual drinkers, just teenagers/other uncultured swine. Thanks for explaining it to me!

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@El Knid: I like your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter

@Tragically Ludicrous: I don't think El Knid subscribes to that as much as he/she is just explaining it, is how I took it.

melis

Heh. "Shot."

kaynut

Being as the first time I got drunk was off of a bottle of Popov, it's a wonder I ever wanted to try vodka (or drinking) ever again. It was essentially the equivalent of learning how to ride a bike on a penny-farthing with a rusty dental tool for a seat.

Tragically Ludicrous

@Too Much Internet El Knid still separates "real drinkers" from "vodka drinkers" which is annoying as hell.

martinipie

@El Knid I think some Russians might want to debate you on the "real drinkers" thing...

A Peach

@El Knid My fourth major acquired taste was raw meat--explain that!

Not It

Dear Judgey Bartender: I order vodka tonics when I suspect that you can't make a decent, not-overly-sweet Sidecar. So my order may say as much about you as it does about me.

birdlime

I have nothing against vodka (although a whiskey and ginger is my favorite go-to drink), but I have been strongly against Grey Goose ever since reading about its creation story:
http://nymag.com/print/?/nymetro/news/bizfinance/biz/features/10816/

ArcherLady

i used to be judgy about what other people drank. then i realized i was a dick and that i would rather drink with people who don't give a shit about what other people think about what they're drinking.

martinipie

Guys! I just like to drink! Yay!

Kaellya

Vodka TONIC. Slimline for the slimming.
Soda tastes horrible. And doesn't protect against malaria.

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