The Best Time I Went Home With Someone I Didn't Realize Was So Young
On New Year's Eve 2007, my best friend met her husband at a club downtown called (I kid you not) Love. They just had a baby last week. Hiya Layla!
This story does not end for me in the same way.
Right before my friend flirted her way into a life-long relationship, she pushed me into a young lad whom she thought I would fancy. As I stuttered an apology, she said, "This is Lindsay! Talk to her!" and then dashed off to husband-chase. Cameron* had on a tweed sports coat and an Obama pin, so naturally we struck up a conversation about politics and decided to go home together.
I'll spare you the details of our evening, although it did involve my friend leaving her keys in my purse and bursting into my apartment at an inopportune moment as I scrambled to grab a sheet, yelling, "Oh my god, get out! Get out!"
The next morning, I rolled over and realized that something was a bit off. I snuck out of bed, grabbed my phone, and texted my trouble-making friend from the previous evening: There is a child in my apartment.
In the harsh light of day, it was quite apparent that my bed-fellow was nowhere near my own age.
I paced around the apartment for a bit, wondering the best way to wake him up, before I finally just shook the bed. A bit of awkward banter ensued as he searched for his glasses (under the dresser) until I blurted out, "So, um. How old are you?!" This is when I learned the following:
1. He was 20. Apparently he had told me the night before and I had demanded to see his license, but I had no recollection of this conversation.
2. He had decided to do a large amount of cocaine the previous evening. This I discovered when the bag fell out of his pocket.
3. His mother was a prominent member of the Republican Party whose articles I read on a frequent basis in a major daily publication. This prompted me to ask, "But aren't you voting for Obama?!" Why, yes he was! He was also taking a semester off during his sophomore (sophomore!) year to help our future President on the campaign trail.
4. He had a girlfriend. Or he might have had a girlfriend. He wasn't exactly sure because they lived on the same floor of the dorm (the dorm!) so they'd never really had to discuss it with one another.
On that last point, he started to cry and my living room broke into a full-on scene of Dawson's Creek. Clutching his tweed jacket, he yelled, "I think that I love her!" ran out the door, and I never saw him again. Although I did look at one of his mom's books in a Barnes & Noble, and she had dedicated it to him. How nice!
*Name changed to protect the innocent, like … literally the innocent, because this kid was basically 12.
Lindsay Hood lives and works in New York City. She runs The $30 Project.
Photo via Obamalac
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I'm glad I'm not the only person who has a story like this.
@Clare Mine was a 20 y.o. sailor named Paul. I remember him fondly, although there was no crying in my story.
@Ophelia Yes! We might be living the same life! Did your 20 year old sailor explain his presence in a bar with "my military ID gets me in anywhere"? Because mine did. And then I asked to see his ID. Good life choices.
@omgAileen Nice! I did meet mine in a bar where no one ever checked ID, so I didn't really question how he got in…he also looked older when I was hammered.
@Clare Please. I have a story like this once a week.
@Clare: Mine was a darling Jamaican kid who was drinking at a campus bar. He not only turned out to be 18, after the fact, but a virgin whose girlfriend lived in my dorm. Or rather, ex-virgin whose ex-girlfriend lived in my dorm. My ire was breathtaking to behold.
For the record, it's not any easier from the other side. Relationships with hard-drinking musicians inevitably become one-night-stands when you can't get into the bar.
So I think I can guess who the kid is and it kind of delights me that he was campaigning for Obama. Actually it would delight me no matter who it was because I always love when Republicans beget liberal children.
@major disaster One of my biggest fears around having children is that one will turn out to be Alex P. Keaton.
@sox I actually once briefly* dated someone like that. He was a hard-core libertarian (a real one – his views on social issues like abortion and gay marriage aligned with mine – though he still always voted Republican so as a practical matter he was a Republican), but said his parents were Democrats. I always wondered if they were disappointed/horrified.
*And I do mean briefly. No way I could ever take someone like that home to my own parents.
@major disaster
That's me! Thank you for saying 'a real one' (I have had that convo WAY too much in the past couple years). Also, Marijuana! No corporate welfare!
I however, generally suck it up and vote Democrat.
@HoliandIvy
Oh, and, I support single payer healthcare because prevention is CHEAPER than paying for all the uninsured when they have a catastrophic health crisis!
I'm done now. Thanks!
@sox Oh god, that is my biggest fear for my daughter. My whole family is conservative and I'm a big ole hippie liberal. I'm terrified the pendulum will swing back in the other direction!
My old roommate and I once had a contest that revolved around making young men cry. You outdid both of us – kudos!
I've been on the other side of the coin. I remember being like 20 and I slept with this dude who turned out to be in his mid-30s? And he got all weird about it when he realized the next morning. I thought most guys would think it was hot to have a one night stand with a younger girl? Sorry for… being young…? There was no clutching of tweed and crying, though.
@emilylouise – Honestly, it's because we're selfish, and it makes us feel OLD when half the reason we do it is to feel young – which works, until the next morning when eventually things get to a point where you want to have a conversation, and you say to yourself:
"Oh no. This person is from a different generation. A different phase in life. We have nothing to talk about. I can no longer talk to hip young people. I am old. FUCK."
@leon.saintjean Yeah, I think that's what happened when I was in my mid-20's and dated a guy 18 years my senior.
@leon.saintjean I've had younger lovers but didn't feel that way too much.. maybe it's the gender dynamic? but the dude 11 years younger/barely legal was a lot of fun for the few times we hooked up. Despite not relating on nearly everything, it didn't stop me from riding him into next Tuesday.. good times.
I guess the older lady/bragging rights for young dude left me feeling hot & Mrs. Robinson-y instead of old and lame..
@lids – Lids, I think you're right – I mean, I also think it comes from the motivation. I bet when a guy who's a "silver fox" sort of dude, and a young chick finds him attractive for the same types of reasons I, at 20, found 'older' women attrative (poise, worldliness, confidence, owning who they were) and he's just into her for looks, it makes for a pleasant fling.
It's the situations where the older dude is using the young one for her looks, and the young one is using him for his status/money/to work out issues that lead to problems, I think.
@lids I think you're right about that. My boytoy flings left me feeling hot and Mrs. Robinson-y too. Except the with the one who got all clingy, and that didn't make me feel old and lame so much as it made him seem young and immature.
@jen325 – I feel like all of this is making me hate being 29. I'm too old to date 20 year olds, because the age difference is big enough that it doesn't appeal to me, but I'm not "older" enough for a "sophisticated older dude fling" just for fun, and I'm also now too old to get into the "I've got a youngun'" fun from women 10 years older than me.
Not that I mind dating my own age, it's just that, I'd kind of prefer as wide a pool as possible to have a better shot at finding ones that like me. Grumble grumble.
@leon.saintjean +1
@leon.saintjean Hey! I'm sure there are 39 year old women looking for a fling! Oh, did you mean too old in your own head?
And ditto on the hot and Mrs. Robinson-y. If it's just a fling, it stays funny when I say "when I was in college…." and he says, "I was six then."
@leon.saintjean Yeah, you're probably right. I remember trying to make conversation in the morning and it was like, about his job in LA (where he was an actor in HOLIDAY-THEMED LIFETIME MOVIES no I am not kidding) and then he asked me what I do and I was like "I go to college and sometimes watch Lifetime movies with my mom when I go home to visit my parents" and he was like :/
@leon.saintjean I'm also now too old to get into the "I've got a youngun'" fun from women 10 years older than me.
Not necessarily. I'm 37, and I would still consider someone 10 years younger to still be "I've got a youngun" fun. One might say you're the perfect age, because you're still young to a fortyish woman, but probably more experienced and more confident.
@Lily Rowan It is funny, but I found that sometimes that kind of talk weirds them out.
@jen325 Oh sure. Sometimes it weirded me out! But we didn't date long enough for it to become A Thing. Good times.
@jen325 – this is more on me than pure age, I think – as evidenced last Thursday, people assume from my words I'm older than I actually am ( + ) and also because of my apearance ( – ).
@Lily Rowan Not dating for too long is key, in my opinion.
I once got hit on in a park by someone who looked like a slightly young-looking Donald Glover, which, naturally, I was thrilled about. Then his friends showed up and I realized, he wasn't a young looking 25. He was an old looking 15. I ran and screamed, and not necessarily in that order.
This happened to me just this weekend!
@Crantastical Hurricane Boyfriend?
@punkahontas more like boytoy. 9 years younger! And lives in my building.
@Crantastical Convenient! Did they include that in the real estate listing?
Brooklyn gem located steps from park with skyline view. Easy access to several subway lines. 24-hr doorman. Gym, boy-toy, pool, roof deck…
Trust me, when they're 12 there is usually A LOT more crying.
But that's after I tell them that they're not getting the whole bag of candy.
/shows self out
@saythatscool Do you tell them that before or after you kick them out of the back of the van?
@saythatscool
A pedophile and a little kid are walking through the forest.
The little kid says "Gee, Mister, I'm scared!"
The pedophile says "You're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
@punkahontas My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'pedo' and a 'cradle robber.' All because I'm a 38 year old man with a 18 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
@saythatscool Get back in your windowless van, saythatscool.
@kayjay I got a bag of Rolo's and a portable DVD player loaded with some Dora and Diego if you're interested, kay.
Rape jokes on The Hairpin?
@Brigid QUICK SOMEBODY HAS COMPROMISED OUR SAFESPACE
EVERYBODY RUN AND SET THINGS ON FIRE, BUT DON'T STOP TO SET THEM ON FIRE, JUST KEEP RUNNING
@Brigid Yeah, I'm grossed out by pedophile jokes too. You aren't alone.
@wee_ramekin Sorry wee, I'll knock it off. They were just jokes and I'm a laughwhore. I hope you understand that I don't mean to hurt your (or anybody else's) feelings.
@saythatscool Nah man, you're cool and I'm not knocking you. Those jokes just are not my type of humor, but I know that other people find them funny and that does not trouble me (UNLESS YOU ARE ALL PEDOPHILES).
I just didn't want @Brigid to feel like she was the only person who wasn't laughing, cuz sometimes we (myself included) can come down hard on people who go don't find off-color jokes funny. Carry on!
@Brigid I think it's ok if it involves kids.
C'mon ladies, own that shit! A dude for the most part would own that shit. Not only that, but he would date them in public.
@Megan Patterson@facebook – well, in my group of 40 year old fathers/husbands/divorced dudes, dating a substantially younger woman results in High Mockery and Endless Shitgiving.
@brad
I think I like your group of fathers/husbands/divorced dudes.
@brad I did say for the most part, not all
@brad Yeah, I'm 30 but look substantially younger, and recently started dating a guy who's 34 and have met several of his friends and his sister; apparently their first question as soon as I was out of earshot was, dude, how *old* is she? In preparation for Endless Shitgiving depending on the answer, of course.
@brad: Doubtless none of that is fueled by envy.
@purefog – ahh, that be would no.
I had written up the whole story of the time I was in college and a then older woman (who was actually about the age I am now, so I feel weird about writing that sentence) made me go to her room to crash (at a party at her house, she told me I was too drunk BUT I WASN'T) and, let me just say:
Every dude I know has a story about being in their early 20s and being completely seduced by an "older" woman (we all thought when we were young it was the other way around, but looking back, NOPE) and uh…we all remember those stories VERY fondly. I think it's the reason none of my friends have tried to date college girls as we've gotten older.
@leon.saintjean – i was 19, she was 28. it seemed substantial at the time. after one "date" she wanted to take me to her hometown and meet her parents. i felt a very deep fear from the animal part of brain and i hid in my closet for a few weeks.
@brad Mine was basically the same. But she made it clear to me upfront that it could go on for "a while", but that she had no long-term interest in me as a potentially permanent partner, she just wanted a no-baggage short term deal. And that if I had an issue with that ("and I'm going to assume you will, because you are young and naive and a romantic, which, it's basically inevitable) it would be my issue, not hers.
She was right on all accounts, but I learned many wonderful things (mostly about life, but a few about sexytime too) and we remain good friends.
@leon.saintjean – that sounds great- just the way you'd want it. with this gal, i got the distinct impression that some part of me was going to end up in a mason jar of things went south.
@leon.saintjean I have very fond memories of the youngun I had a fling with..
@leon.saintjean It sounds like the lady observed the campsite rule.
The morning after a party at my considerably-older boyfriend's house, the nineteen year old son of his neighbors came running out of his guest room to tell me that he'd woken to the pressure of my roommate's hand on his junk (she and I were both thirtyish). Boyfriend looked up with no expression, and deadpans, "and you got out of bed WHY??".
@MoonBat Because sexual assault? Just sayin'
but how old were you?? i need to know where the inappropriate line is so i can come to terms with my own experience this past weekend…!
@merg I was 26 at the time.
@Lindsay Hood A: Nice work.
B: That is so not that old.
@Lindsay Hood me too! i guess this is the age where you have to start carding guys at bars. or carding them and remembering what the outcome was, in your case!
@MrComment No, I agree. It was mostly the whole concept that he lived in a dorm room and I lived by myself and had my own health insurance. There can be quite the gap in your early 20s.
@merg you think if you're in a bar that at least guarantees you 21! I mean, geesh.
@Lindsay Hood that's the difference between me and my BF right now (he's 29, i'm 35) and it's only weird once in a while, such as when I, for instance, reminisced about the TV show "A Different World" that he'd never heard of … and later on, said to his friends: "Did you guys know there was a 'Cosby Show" spinoff?!" Otherwise, good times.
@rosebowl hm. im 26 and fondly recall the adventures of dwayne wayne and whitley. i didn't know it was a cosby spinoff though, because i never watched the cosbys (which is maybe more shocking?)
@Lindsay Hood There are also higher expectations of similarity. I remember thinking the same thing when I was like 26. "She doesn't even remember when CDs came in long boxes. She'll never understand what I going through."
@MrComment ha, yes. agreed! Like, "She doesn't like the same music as me! aaaahhhhh, we have to break-up!"
@merg Maybe guys didn't watch it? I guess it was totally a chick show. I also had to explain to him what Dwayne Wayne flip-up glasses were. I can't see many dudes knowing/caring what those are regardless of their age.
Oh good heavens if an one-night stand had to head back to their DORM I'd want to shoot myself. This is why you always go to their places. You can remove yourself from their company AND suss out living situation. But most importantly remove yourself from their company.
Seriously. The boys just keep getting younger and younger… and here I am all of 25 and just WAY too old for them. Fleet Week is particularly distressing/depressing.
@Alli525 It is a little awkward at that age, because the difference is so small, yet kind of large at the same time. However, bedding young 20-somethings when you're in your 30's is pretty awesome.
I wish I had an Obama pin when I was twenty.
It's okay. I, too, have banged a 20 year old just for the awesome story.
The real problem is that when you are 19-20 years old, you are at just the right age that no one 21+ can sleep with you without feeling creepy/older/entitled and why would you date anyone under 18? You're not in high school anymore.
What is it with NYE? Mine was a beautiful 23 year old New Zealander on vacation who I dragged home from the knitting factory. I was 31. In the morning, he fussed at me for not watering my plants, and was freaking out that he may have caused his older brother to be locked out of the hostel where they were staying. No crying, unfortunately. I'll do better next time.
@bluesuedeshoes No! I'm so jealous, I had hoped for your experience! And you snagged one with an accent… amazing!!!
I went out with a guy when I was 18. We met on the train platform my, like, second week at DePaul. He was shorter than I was (I'm 5'7") so I thought he was young, and he had a cute baby face. He took me out for tapas, and over some polenta he goes, "So, how old are you again?"
"18."
"Oh. Um. When did you turn 18?"
"June 27…" [It was early September at this point.]
"Oh. So you, like, JUST turned 18."
"Ha, yeah. How old are you?"
"30."
"Oh."
I instantly felt like crap, although he was still very nice and charming. He walked me back to the train and we said goodnight. He said he'd call again, and I'm fairly certain he did, but I may have missed his call.
I always think of that night as my real "first date." Sophomore year homecoming doesn't count, sorry Matt Groark.
@rhoswhen i don't know why it struck me as funny, but I wish we could make "Sorry Matt Groark" a running gag. As in, he's the go-to catch-all for things that don't count in one's mind: e.g.:
"That was my first kiss. 7th grade camp doesn't count, sorry Matt Groark."
"Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Secret mission doesn't count, sorry Matt Groark."
Matt Groark would be the Hans Moleman / Gil Gunderson of Hairpin threads.
@Das Rad I support this.
@Das Rad I second the motion and move to vote that "Sorry Matt Groark" is put into the official dictionary of terms.
@gfrancie:
Glossary list of terms:
Juicebox
#ohspates
#sorrymattgroark
@Hot mayonnaise Oh how QUICKLY WE FORGET the vagina battery fire hashtag.
@Das Rad Someday, sometime, somewhere, Matt Groark will get a voicemail that consists of nothing but his best friend laughing his ass off and the strained words, "Dude, GOOGLE YOURSELF."
@Xanthophyllippa http://lmgtfy.com/?q=sorry+matt+groark+the+hairpin
@gfrancie I hope this takes off. It would be the second-best time I ever made an internet meme. Why the second best? Because that's how this works, sorry Matt Groark.
now I better understand why __________ seemed so excited about Obama that year. I mean, I assume it is _________.
This past weekend was my encounter with a young one. He's the roommate of the friend I was staying with on a weekend getaway.
We were both at a party and I was pretty drunk. We started talking and something was said about age, so I asked him how old he thought I was (this is a fun game for me because I, thankfully, look a lot younger than 33). He said 24 (which made me want to make out with him right then and there). So, I asked him how old he was (he looked young, but in the darkness of the room and through a bourbon haze, not terribly young). He said 21. I started laughing.
Later in the evening, we made out a little, but that's as far as it went. I was making jokes to one of my girlfriends later that I was watching "Twin Peaks," playing Tetris on my Game Boy and listening to Deee-Lite's "World Clique" when that boy was born.
@KellySkittles: Groove is in the heart.
@Hot mayonnaise I probably should've let the groove go a little further, in retrospect.
On the flip side of this scenario, there was the time I went home with a straight dude I met at a gay bar (19-year-old drunk girl logic: "there is a guy here who likes girls?! And he likes me?! I am REQUIRED to sleep with him!") He was 26, I think. In the cab home he made me show him my ID, because the drinking age here is 18 and it is probably very easy to make stupid mistakes. We went back, had terrible drunk sex, I left, whatever.
Only I'd made the very bright decision of giving him my cell number, and he added me on Facebook. He worked on a train (oh yes!) and spent the next couple of months attempting to sext me (ugh) until I stopped responding. A few months after that (when I'd long since deleted his number), the video for Gaga's "Telephone" came out and I was woken up at 2am by a text containing the lyrics to the chorus. I was all "wtf who is this even?!", he apologised. The next day he posted a mashup video of "Telephone" and Raffi's "Banana Phone" on my Facebook, and I haven't talked to him since.
I am now very selective about who I sleep with.
So I am 21 and my boyfriend is 29, which is only awkward when I want him to not pay for everything (because we are a couple, and I want to contribute?) but he does so anyways because he makes way more money than I do.
Also, he works programming iPhone apps for a software company he cofounded and, well, I work at a sandwich place and make $10 an hour.
When I was bold and freshly divorced, I hit on a boy at my video store. I could tell he was younger, but didn't think that much of it. Or anything. Beer was involved and he had curly black hair and gorgeous blue eyyyyyyyes.
Cut to our first time hanging out, when I invited him over to my place and he arrived toot sweet. On his skateboard.
The less said about his terrible band, the better. Because, of course terrible band. But eyyyyyyyes!
Having been referred from Alex Pareene's tumblr, I'm just going to assume this story is about him.
@katiechasm ha ha no! I had no idea who that guy was until I saw the post. Hilarious though.
All I can say is "I THINK I LOVE HER!!!!"
I was almost in a similar situation due to a delayed flight leaving from old Beijing airport. He was a 19 year old Dutch guy, I was a 27 year old Canadian. I figured his age out by asking to see all the stamps in his passport. No one from the airline spoke any English but he knew some Chinese. They loaded us up on buses at one point and took the entire flight to a hotel, I don't even know where in Beijing. We hung out at the hotel and drank, but eventually we we're taken back to the airport and were separated at our destination. I don't think I would have regretted it if anything had happened.
Last time this happened to me (yes, it's happened more than once), he was up-front about being… 22? 21? God, I can't remember. But then, as I'm straddling him, he starts claiming to be 17, then 15… to the point where, yes, I checked his license. Then he claimed it was a fake. I decided I couldn't get in trouble for this (plus he very obviously enjoyed pushing my buttons), so I gave up and went with it.
The first time it happened, dude very earnestly told me, after sex, that I'd just taken his virginity. That's when I looked at him and realized I was not even going to ask his age.
oh my god you guys, quit stressing over guys being "too young" for you when you're in your twenties! i know two girls at least 7 years older than their boyfriends who are BOTH getting engaged. it's really not that big a deal if you click on other levels.