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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

159

Reading Between the Texts: Why Do You Still Have My Number

The Text
Him: "What's up"

The Analysis
K: I don’t think it’s that much of an exaggeration to say that people who only text “what’s up” all the time should be banished to an island that is slowly sinking.
B: He sends this text to me every couple of weeks, on Friday nights.
K: Once a fortnight?!?
B: Yes. Once a fortnight.
K: He’s basically providing you with opportunities to reply "not much, wanna do it?"
B: I mean, yeah, he's just politely reminding me that he and his penis are still in the world.
K: Aren't he and his penis still dating a 19-year-old?
B: Yes, but he and his penis are nothing if not inclusive.
K: You should just start replying with literally everything you did that day.
B: Yes! Like, "Hey, not much! I had some crazy-good cereal this morning and walked my dog. She...shit...everywhere. Lol, gross. So I took her to the vet and the vet was like 'omg cute dog' and I was like 'omg I know right' and she was like 'haha but really your dog needs some heartworm medicine' and I was like 'fiiiiiine.' Then basically I was just at work all day! At lunch I painted my nails this really great coral pink color. Or really it's like, nectarine-y. It's hard to describe via text, want a pic?!?"

The Text
Him: "Just drove by a park, reminded me of the time we went to that one by your house together. Good times"

The Analysis
K: That's...sweet.
R: No, it isn't. We went to that park together two YEARS ago.
K: And he didn’t even drive by that park. Just like, a park. He was basically reminded of you because he saw some grass and trees together.
R: Probably next week he’ll be like, “I saw a movie tonight, it reminded me of that one time you said you liked a different movie. Good times.”
K: “I was breathing today and it reminded me of that one time when you were asleep and I counted your heart rate. 72. Good times.”
R: “Just looked in the mirror at my hair and remembered that I have a piece of your hair taped to my refrigerator. I touch it for good luck. Good times.”
K: Well at least you know you have a lasting impact on people. You’re unforgettable.
R: Only with people I want to forget me! You never see James McAvoy knocking on my door being all ‘I cannot forget you, you’ve stolen my heart!”
K: You’ve met James McAvoy?
R: No, ugh. But I feel like I know him.

The Texts
Him: "every rose has its thorn"

... [20 minutes later]...

Him: "thinkin bout you. sweet dreams"

The Analysis
K: BILL AND TED!
E: Well, Poison.
K: ROCK OF LOVE!!!!
E: Yep.
K: I don’t know what the problem is, it sounds like he has really great taste.
E: There isn’t “a” problem. There are millions of them. For instance, still?? Also, he dated my roommate? Also, he texted lyrics at me?
K: I thought you knew that texting lyrics at someone is pretty much guaranteed to seal the deal. Like how do you even still have pants on?
E: Maybe because I’m trying to figure out what relevance these lyrics have here. Like yes, I’m the rose. Obviously. But what is the thorn, in this situation?
K: I guess maybe it’s that you find him gross? Or that you guys live hundreds of miles apart? Or that he kind of looks like a Beanie Baby, in human form?
E: He should have texted me “every rose has so many thorns that it’s kind of like, not really that practical or worth the injuries, if you really think about it.”

The Text
Him: "I’m just down the street at a party! You should come!"

The Analysis
K: What is this bullshit? He’s trying to be friendly with me now?
R: He’s just trying to extend an olive branch. Like, “here, I murdered your feelings with a machete and my actions led you to listen to ‘Heroe’ by Enrique Iglesias 25 times in a row. But let’s be friends still.”
K: I did not listen to it 25 times in a row. But have you even HEARD the anguish in that song? Seriously.
R: Yes, I’ve heard it. Coming out of your room a lot, in the past four days.
K: Well whatever. I’m not going to that party. I hope that party goes and fucks itself.
R: Are you at least going to respond?
K: Yeah, I’ll say ‘"sorry I can’t come because I’m making out with like a HUNDRED different guys right now."
R: I feel like that’s not a super believable alibi.
K: Ugh. I wish I had a phone that, when you got a stupid message, you could just like, boomerang it out and it would go smack the person in the head? And then come back to you, laughing. And you’d high-five it.
R: Wouldn’t it be easier to just have, like, a person who did that for you?
K: I don’t know. I guess. I just feel like this phone owes me something positive for once in its life.

Previously: "It’s like that Bob Dylan song...you should listen to it.”

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to.



159 Comments / Post A Comment

Judith Slutler

"sorry I can’t come because I’m making out with like a HUNDRED different guys right now." is actually the PERFECT alibi. And you know it

sandyaygogirl

@Emmanuelle Cunt I wish I could say that right now to the guy who just blew me off. Except he hasn't invited me anywhere. Boo.

susan@twitter

K: Well at least you know you have a lasting impact on people. You’re unforgettable.
R: Only with people I want to forget me! You never see James McAvoy knocking on my door being all ‘I cannot forget you, you’ve stolen my heart!”
K: You’ve met James McAvoy?
R: No, ugh. But I feel like I know him.

my favourite part of this entire blog. i too feel like i know him. watching him with Michael Fassbender in X-Men First Class was like a brain explosion (the good kind) for me.

miss buenos aires

@susan@twitter Quick (but important!) question: which one do you find more boyfriendable? I was leaning McAvoy before I saw the movie, but my allegiances have definitely shifted.

alliepants

@susan@twitter FASSBENDER FASSBENDER FASSBENDER.

That's all.

tee
tee

@susan@twitter What is it about James McAvoy? He's not even that good-looking, but for some reason he is SO attractive.

miss buenos aires

@alliepants Is it the polyglotism, or the turtlenecks, or just his face? I can't decide, myself.

Katie Heaney

@tee the worst is that I totally fell for him first as a FAUN

tee
tee

@Katie Heaney Atonement! Atoooooooonement.

Megasus

@susan@twitter YES! Sexy vintage library sex. Possibly the BEST KIND.

Cavendish

@susan@twitter I was just wondering about this today. Why is he so attractive? I think it's the accent.

Katie Heaney

@tee noooo BECOMING JANE!!! which..haha...Anne Hathaway's accent... :( ... but STILL OMG

Gnome Vagina

@miss buenos aires One more vote for Fassbender to drown out these McAvoy weirdos...

::cue cute boy flamewar::

redheaded&crazy

@Katie Heaney hahaha it is so becoming jane for me too! I dunno the scene where they're dancing those two have like, wicked hot chemistry. James McAvoy is one of the very few actors I would rent a bad movie to watch.

miss buenos aires

@redheadedandcrazy

Have the Fassbender deniers seen X-Men First Class? Because without it you can't do a proper compare and contrast.

theharpoon

"I just texted you because I knew it would remind me of all the other times when I texted you and I love thinking about those times when we were talking to each other. Or really, I was talking to you. One sided-ly."

ps I really really dislike the "whats up" texters. You know they never use an apostrophe either.

graffin

@theharpoon I want you to know that I'm still interested, but not to the extent that I would hit the shift key to access the punctuation on my phone.

SarcasticFringehead

@theharpoon Or a question mark.

fondue with cheddar

@theharpoon That or "waz up".

zidaane

@jen325 sup

Kneetoe

@hairpinladies: What's up?

leonstj

@Kneetoe @hairpinladies Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble,
Très bien ensemble.

melis

I will text the only words I know so you'll understand.

Tuna Surprise

@Kneetoe - Hi Kneetoe! My half-boyfriend is getting ready to go out of town this weekend:( Although he promised to bring me back something from the Detriot airport (he has a layover there) :)
What's up with you? Coming to the Meetup? It's so hot outside, amirite?

Kneetoe

@Tuna Surprise: Interesting my half-wife is also away (are our halves seeing each other?!?). I don't know about the heat; my bedroom's air conditioned ;)

ejcsanfran

@leon.saintjean: Quoi de neuf?

Tuna Surprise

@Kneetoe - I purposely leave the A/C off in my bedroom. It's a great excuse to sleep naked!

Kneetoe

@Tuna Surprise Pictures or it doesn't happen.

Tuna Surprise

@Kneetoe - care to bear witness (or bare witness, if you will) in person?

fondue with cheddar

@Kneetoe It's a word that means "toward the sky or a higher position".

QuiteAmiable

@Tuna Surprise I would like to know your definition of half-boyfriend. Because I think I have one, but I want to know for sure before I start referring to him as such.

Tuna Surprise

@QuiteAimable - I think the half-boyfriend comes in many varities but I refer to mine as such because we tell everyone we're not dating but the reality of the situation is that we're exclusively seeing each other.

Kneetoe

@Tuna Surprise: I will have to start using the What's up line more often.
@Tuna Surprise: What do you mean by the word "exclusively"?
@QuiteAimable: No sex, but he fixes things around the house and gets things off the very highest shelf?

Tuna Surprise

@Kneetoe - 'exclusively' by default (i.e., neither of us have been successful in bedding other people)

QuiteAmiable

@Tuna Surprise Holy batman, that's my situation too. My half-boyfriend and I are going on two and half years.

Xanthophyllippa

@leon.saintjean Marry me?

Xanthophyllippa

@Kneetoe I want a half-boyfriend like that.

Kneetoe

@Tuna Surprise Then you (can't speak for halfy) just haven't been trying.

Tuna Surprise

@Kneetoe
Haven't been trying?!? Some of us went to the last meetup with the express purpose of hooking up.

doree

This is my most favorite column in the world.

melis

God, Relationshapes isn't even cold yet.

Casanova Frankenstein

@melis I am still sad about Relationshapes.

Chesty LaRue

There was a guy I was dating who used to always give me the "what's up" then follow it up with one word answers to my texts, so I started doing the exact thing they talk about, filling him in on the minutia of my day... But I feel like he kind of liked it? I moved to a different city and he still what's ups me once in a while?

Katie Heaney

@Chesty LaRue hahahaha "I feel like he kind of liked it" hahahaha

emilylou

@Chesty LaRue There's a dude who I VERY MISTAKENLY gave my number to a couple weeks ago, and he doesn't do the "what's up" but every. single. night. at 6pm on the dot, I get a "how was your day" ...usually without question mark. Like, you "care" enough to ask how my day was (answer: pretty annoying, now that I got the daily text) but you don't care enough to punctuate.

ejcsanfran

@emilylouise: You should reply "Unsubscribe"

Katie Heaney

@ejcsanfran HAHAHA the best

Bro-lo El Cunado

@ejcsanfran I once used the "Unsubscribe" on an email chain by this ditzy girl who was trying to make very complicated hotel plans for a wedding to which 50% of the mass email recipients were not invited. People tried to jokingly point out how rude she was being, but I just decided to go full bitch. It was incredibly satisfying.

ejcsanfran

@elcunado: I hope that wedding goes and fucks itself.

Slapfight

@Chesty LaRue Every now and then I get a "hai" from a 35 year old dermatologist I went on an internet date with 2 YEARS AGO. To which I never respond. Yet he keeps doing it. Spelling a 2 letter word wrong to be cute drives me INSANE.

alicia

@Slapfight wait, what is an internet date?

alphabiddycity

@Chesty LaRue I think there's a certain variety of "whats up" texters that really just want someone to talk to... I mean mostly they're looking for penis adventures, but if you respond with inane conversation they still somehow enjoy it.

Perhaps they have a fetish for mundane conversation. Actually, that would explain so many bad male texters I know.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Slapfight: HAI. I CAN HAZ DATE? LOL

Slapfight

@Too Much Internet You win the internet!

theharpoon

@alphabiddycity I have a cousin who has a fetish for mundane conversation. I never talk to him. Sometimes I feel bad about it but then I remember what it's like to talk to him.

Chesty LaRue

@alphabiddycity Yeah, he was so frustrating, he "never made plans" because he liked to just see what was happening and then decide what to do or not do, which included not coming to my going-away party, so of course I deleted his number. But then I got a what's up a couple of weeks later from an unknown number and I knew exactly who it was.

Mariajoseh

I wanna quote EVERYTHING and say "this is the best part". This column is the best part of The Internet.

And I so need a boomerang phone. But I get many more annoying emails and Facebook Messages than texts and boomerang laptop sounds dangerous...

becky@twitter

unless you want a scorching case of that gonorrhea super germ thing, immediately block any man who quotes bret michaels to you via text.

City_Dater

@becky@twitter

The quoting of pop lyrics in general probably ought to be grounds for blocking.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@becky@twitter: gonorrhea super germs can be identified by the bandanna they wear.

Texian

@Too Much Internet You got me with bandanas! I HAZ LOL

Katie Walsh

I feel like the only correct response to "every rose has its thorn... thinkin bout you. sweet dreams" is "You are a goddamn fucking idiot." Or the laughing phone boomerang. I wish there was an emoticon for that! Jim Berhle?

theharpoon

@Katie Walsh I think ejcsanfran's "Unsubscribe" is good too, although it might just confuse those types.

Katie Walsh

@theharpoon Ha! I am so using that.

Glee

@theharpoon "It appears you meant to send this to someone else" can also come in handy.

srs
srs

I was just sitting here at my desk wondering to myself if a new Reading Between the Texts would be posted any time soon, then I went to Hairpin and there it was! Thank you internet, my day is now complete.

applestoapples

Sending a text with "What's up" or "hi" and nothing else? Death sentence.

Rosebudddd

@applestoapples They are so insulting, like, "I'm texting you, but I can't be bothered to think of anything to say." Just DO NOT REPLY.

applestoapples

@Rosebudddd I don't answer them, no matter who it's from (EDIT: maybe the President). If you're so lazy that you can't type up a concise question or declarative statement, then I can't be bothered, either.

wee_ramekin

@applestoapples Oh em gee. Can you even imagine what a "Hi" from President Obama would be like? It would be like, really well thought-out, and there would be pauses both before and after to make sure that the message had really sunk in.

*dreamy sigh*

Gnatalby

@wee_ramekin Hello, let me be clear, hi.

wee_ramekin

@Gnatalby This is The Greatest Comment Ever. Seriously. I can't even find something witty to say back to you. I wish I could like this a million times.

applestoapples

@Gnatalby Perfect.

Gnome Vagina

@Gnatalby Oh my gosh, do you think he texts that to Michelle in free moments? Or, y'know, under the desk during a boring presentation on quantitative easing? I'm going to tell myself he does.

Gnatalby

@wee_ramekin Aw thanks!

parallel-lines

I once replied to a "what's up" text with "your dick, and that's not my problem"

Rosebudddd

@parallel-lines Or you could reply with this.

Probs

I think you mean "wats up"

maebyfunke

@Probs Ughh. "wats up" is the worst.

Also, I got a text that was so unintentionally awful from a guy I've been kinda seeing for a couple of months that it would have been perfect for this. I had to delete it, just so I wouldn't agonize over it, but uh. Still kinda am.

purplesocks

@maebyfunke the only way to quit agonizing over it is to post it so we can all groan with you.

maebyfunke

@purplesocks Oh I would definitely post it if I still had it. It was along the lines of, "I'm cancelling our plans because I have to get ready for a trip I told you two days ago I wasn't going on, meaning we won't see each other for about three weeks, generic sign off! See you soon! I don't care about you at all!"
I may have embellished a bit.

maebyfunke

@maebyfunke Oh, and it was sent about an hour before we were supposed to hang out.

Bebe

@maebyfunke Ouch. Allow to me to translate into WhatFuturemaebyfunkWillThink-ese: "Hi. I am a bullet that you are successfully dodging. Congrats!"

alliepants

@maebyfunke I hope that trip goes and fucks itself.

sox
sox

@maebyfunke Also, I got a text that was so unintentionally awful from a guy I was kinda seeing for a couple of months that it would have been perfect for this. But I had to delete after I dumped his lame ass.

There, fixed.

Probs

@maebyfunke I kind of like when people say "wats up" and "lata". They just take on a particular pronunciation in my head that I find funny. Sucks about that juice box, though.

Lady Pennyface

@Probs Ugh, "lata." Back in the olden days on AIM I would get that a lot from friends signing off and for the longest time I thought people were saying la ta, like ta ta? Took me like three months to figure out it was a bastardized "later." Sigh. Even when I was young, I was old.

maebyfunke

@Probs This - all the responses but especially this- made me feel so much better, you guys! And makes me really hope I make it to the NYC meetup.
Also, I can deal with lata a lot better than wats up, but I couldn't say why.

Probs

@Lady Pennyface I think what I like about "lata" is that it's Spanish for "cans," so I think of people basically being like "Cans, y'all! I'm out!"

@maebyfunke Glad to hear it! I've thought about going to a DC meetup before, but I'm kind of a-skeered of meeting people from the internet.

Lady Pennyface

@Probs I did not know that! Am feeling more friendly to "lata" now, hee hee. Also, I went to the most recent DC meetup and it was fun! And I can be pretty shy/awkward/unwilling to leave the apartment. DC 'Pinners are good people. Cans!

Probs

@Lady Pennyface Maybe I should go next time. Also "lata" just means "can," singular, my mistake. I blame commenting via phone, somehow.

can't get there from here

This is the best part of reading the internets. The worst part is that it makes me snort-laugh at work. We have a very quiet office but I think people are starting to suspect I have terrible nasal passage issues. Or, you know, that I'm a terrible employee.

Texian

@can't get there from here I feel ya; I purposefully no longer consume beverages while reading.

ejcsanfran

Him: What's up with washing your bras?

fondue with cheddar

@ejcsanfran Washing Your Bras should totally become the new Washing Your Hair.

Bebe

OMG, "I hope that party goes and fucks itself" has made me laugh out loud like 5 times now.

And, the only way the boomerang phone could be improved is if it also took a picture of the juicebox's face as he was getting hit.

Xanthophyllippa

@Bebe And then automatically posted it as his Facebook profile picture.

Bebe

@Xanthophyllippa YES. This is a million dollar idea!

Saaoirse

I got an email from an ex telling me his cat died. What is with the this?

gfrancie

@Saaoirse he is hoping for some pity sex. "Look I am sensitive and stuff... so can we bone?"

marz

@Saaoirse OMG I got that same e-mail, but it was his dad who died.

zidaane

@Saaoirse You and the cat weren't close?

zidaane

@Saaoirse There will be a viewing from 5 -7 followed by a pyre.

Saaoirse

@zidaane It was actually mostly about being pissed off that his parents had gotten a new cat. He wanted to know if he was allowed to mourn.

I replied with: "I am sorry for your loss. Please understand that people mourn in different ways, and this may be part of your parent's healing process."

But he didn't catch my sarcasm and replied with something about Margaret Atwood's sexual fantasies.

tee
tee

@Saaoirse My ex (from four years prior) called me at 3am to tell me that his cat died! And proceeded to tell me about how his new girlfriend drove him to the vet, and how he cried in the car. Also, I never knew that he had a cat in the first place. What?

Gnatalby

@marz I emailed my ex when my mom died, I don't think it's weird when it's a parent. Also like, he'd done holidays at our house, so I felt like he should know.

Pinecones

I think what bothers me the most about "whats up" is that I always seem to get that text when nothing interesting is going on.

"Oh, nothing, just eating this giant bag of potato chips by myself."

omgkitties

@Pinecones God, RIGHT?! Only maybe worse - I once got the 'wats up' from someone I wanted to hear from a bit too badly and I happened to be doing something really awesome (I was on a boat and about to go swimming with turtles and dolphins in Hawaii, yes I check my phone everywhere, awful) so I responded really quickly and earnestly and he was all 'oh...enjoy that'. : /

Megasus

@Pinecones I would be like, "Oh you know, just having a pillowfight with all my girlfriends in our negligees. As you do." And then just never reply again.

Casanova Frankenstein

@Pinecones I HATE talking on the phone but it seems like people only call me and want to ask questions about my life when I'm like, watching every episode of Party Down again with my cat and drinking a mimosa out of a humongous styrofoam MacDonald's cup.

katherine

"He’s just trying to extend an olive branch. Like, “here, I murdered your feelings with a machete and my actions led you to listen to ‘Heroe’ by Enrique Iglesias 25 times in a row. But let’s be friends still."

I perish.

wee_ramekin

@katherine Also, I love that it's the Spanish-version. His machete-murder led her to listen to 'I Can Be Your Hero' in Spanish. Ass.

Katie Heaney

@wee_ramekin porque salvaaaaarte a ti...mil VECES! PUE-DE! SER! mi salvacion.

wee_ramekin

@Katie Heaney *whispers* "Qui-er-o ser...tu her-o-e...."

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin *shaky in-drawn breath of emotion*

mush

I loved this. Best "Reading between the lines" so far. And that's saying something. More, please, more!!

angelinha

My ex is the master of the "Just drove by a park, reminded me of you" text. Also really good at "Hey, just texting to say happy Thursday!" ...?

Sunny Marie@twitter

Oh lord. I have an ex that does this to me every 2-3 months, and they're *always* at 2 AM and say things like "I just drove by your old apartment" or "you should come to the bar!" Yeah, OK, I'll just get out of bed and hit the bar at two on a Tuesday. Obviously that makes sense, especially since we dated for about a millisecond three years ago.

This column brings meaning to my life.

alliepants

The best thing about this is that I'm totally going to start texting "every rose has its thorn" to ex-boyfriends and people I haven't seen in 5 years, just to fuck with them.

gfrancie

#3 probably wants stuff to be all cool now and doesn't want to deal with the guilt that he deserves because of what he did. The only thing a reasonable person can respond with is the alibi. You could say, "I would love to come to the party but it would mean putting my clothes on again."

Bebe

@gfrancie No response at all is really best. It will drive him crazy. Is he forgiven? Is everything cool? Did she even get it? Is she still mad? Is she busy? Is she seeing someone else already? Is that someone Enrique Iglesias? It's the lazy girl's way of torturing.

sandyaygogirl

@Bebe I wish I had the strength to do this. Except I'm an idiot and try to win with my witty remarks.

omgkitties

@sandyaygogirl Yup. "I won! In my mind! Where it...totally counts..."

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

I feel pretty super satisfied that I have never texted an ex.

zidaane

@Too Much Internet "I passed by an empty lot and I was reminded that I completely forgot about you over 3 years ago."

Bebe

@zidaane I saw roadkill the other day and it reminded me of our relationship. Good times.

FoxyRoxy

I get the "what's up?" on the regular and it infuriates me because that's his limp way of asking if he can come over and have sex. He knows me well enough to know he should plainly articulate his desire to booty sext me. Once in a great while, I am inclined to say yes, but first he has to stop with the, "What's up?" Doesn't he get that his passive aggressive texting is part of our whole problem?

Mrs. Brown's Lovely Daughter

@FoxyRoxy Oh god.. are you me?

SarahDances

Ugh, on a somewhat similar note, I ran into a guy at a party a few months ago with whom I'd gone out for a month in early 2009. And I guess he'd been out of the country for a bit, and said, "Oh! I should give you my new number!" and I was all, "..." but how do you politely say, "I haven't wanted or needed to contact you in over two years, when you just stopped calling me instead of having the balls to actually tell me you were over it, so why on earth would I need your number?"

It might be partially the reminding me that he and his penis still exist, and maybe in case I should want to booty call him, that would be cool, but... really? Just so, so terribly odd.

Nutellaface

Can there be an "Ask a Katie Heaney" column? Please?

MrComment

"What's up?" can mean "I'm giving you the opportunity to relate something about your day as it's something you seem(ed) to enjoy, but I'd prefer not to receive it audibly." All things considered, I think it's a polite gesture.

whizz_dumb

@MrComment an actual polite gesture wouldn't be so blunt and left to interpretation.

Mrs. Brown's Lovely Daughter

@whizzard Wait, how is something both blunt AND left to interpretation?

whizz_dumb

"I was breathing today and it reminded me of that one time when you were asleep and I counted your heart rate. 72. Good times."

So creepy, so funny.

beanie

I want to see what a Beanie Baby looks like in human form.

sevanetta

OMG, Hairpin, always in my head and in my life! Text I got last night from dude who I literally TOLD, OVER THE PHONE, thanks that was a nice date but I think we're a bit too different to go out again:

'I know the ball is in your court, and you're way on the other side of the net... Yet I havn't heard from you, so It's a brush off, or you're too busy, or still thinking lol just kidding Janie, how are you?'

[NB my name is not Jane but it's similar, I chose it here to illustrate that only special people get to call me Janie. Like, my mum, once a year. Otherwise, IT'S JANE THANKS.)

Literally, I told him no clearly and nicely, he decided that he would wait for me to text him in case I changed my mind... and I get this (amongst other messages and attempts to contact me).

I suppose I should be happy he chucked in commas and an apostrophe, right?

ruyeas

-Something unexpected surprise--

Hello. My friend

http://www.betterwholesaler.us/

Dedi cated service, the new style, believing you will love it

WE ACCEPT PYA PAL PAY MENT

YOU MUST NOT MISS IT

thank you

Anne

@ruyeas UNSUBSCRIBE

denay

What if you're the random texter? Do guys hate this??? Does this mean A Lady is going to take away all my gold stars?

totallyunoriginal

@denay Guys' girlfriends hate it!!

Just kidding. Sort of.

I didn't know I could turn into a crazy jealous girlfriend until a random ex texted my bf, "just to say hi".

totallyunoriginal

The last text my sent me was "I miss talking with you."

My reply, "Aw, I'm sorry. Have a great day!"

Because what else do you say to that?

totallyunoriginal

@totallyunoriginal Oops! It should say "my ex". I love when my brain thinks faster than I type.

Hot mayonnaise

@totallyunoriginal: Cold!

totallyunoriginal

@Hot mayonnaise I thought it was nicer than the truth? Ugh. Now I feel guilty.

Anne

I can't wait for Katie Heaney to host a Minneapolis Hairpin shenanigan. That party would not have to fuck itself.

ThundaCunt

@Anne it could fuck me!

rivetingrosie

Ahh I love these. I want you guys to analyze MY texts.

jules

@rivetingrosie THIS IS A GREAT IDEA?? They should start taking submissions. Ask A Reader Between Texts

skyslang

Oh no! I do the "What's up?" (but WITH an apostrophe AND a question mark!). But I'm a gay dude, so maybe it's ok? AND I only do it when it's understood that we're going to do it.
Regardless, I love this column.

rocknrollunicorn

@skyslang I'm a straight lady who receives "what's up" well (from straight men) if our relationship is understood to be like that. Also, my current dude texts me "What's up, cutie," and it means that I am going to tell him if/when I am free to meet up and have drinks before sex, which is respectable and fine, in my mind and the context of our current situation.

So. It's not always terrible.

phewthatwasclose

@skyslang I do the "what's up" too sans question mark and I'm a pretty fly girl. But it's more the lazy way of asking, "Are you awake? Can you buy me a pizza and we eat it at your place and then I leave?" I think "what's up" is more flattering for both of us.

editrish

I'm completely in favor of creating a "whats up" island -- can we give random Facebook pokers residency too? because that shit is equally annoying.

GOB Bluth

I feel like chick's texts/text behaviors are equally if not more confusing than guys'... and alot of you ladies on here are complaining about punctuation in texts? What about all the chicks who write "ur" "u" "omg" etc etc way worse than leaving out an apostrophe. Lets not nit-pick and act like poor text grammar is the reason you will or won't text the guy back. We're all just playing the game here...

lostinautocorrect

I do so love this column. Just as I'm sad when I get to the end of Reading Between the Texts, the comments start and are equally entertaining!

GoGoGojira

"Whats up" = "Are you awake? Wanna bone?"

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