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Thursday, August 25, 2011

110

"No one will ever love meeee" and 11 Other Types of People

Of the12 types of office women, which one are you? Crumbling slut? Person with a nickname?

Tags:

The Office, work

110 Comments / Post A Comment

melis

Noo no no no no no no. No. No. Nooo my God, no.

melis

That was awful and it made me really sad!

melis

Where has this person worked? The Awful Women Factory? Inside of a Katherine Hiegl movie?

atipofthehat

@melis

Sunglasses indoors, lots of leopardskin....

TOO CLOSE TO HOME ????

melis

@atipofthehat You got me. I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Christina McMc

@melis It's the Daily Mail. This kind of shizz is par for the course with them. :(

Jolie Kerr

@atipofthehat You guys. (drops to a whisper) I'm wearing leopard-print wedges in the office. And, um, I'm not particularly a spring chicken. Oh my God.

Jolie Kerr

In my defense I WORE THEM FOR YOU GUYS. GIRLS. GUYS. WHATEVER.

Why are things so hard?

atipofthehat

@Jolie Kerr

I hope you wear them tonight! (And that it doesn't rain or gust too hard.) You are coming...?

fondue with cheddar

@Miss Cay DM Writer #1: Let's make a list of female stereotypes! It'll be hilarious!
DM Writer #2: But isn't that sexist?
DM Writer #1: Yeah, I guess you're right.
DM Writer #3: Maybe we could give them office jobs?
DM Writer #2: PERFECT!

Edith Zimmerman

@Jolie Kerr THAT'S WHAT SHE SAIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Megasus

@melis Vogue? (/Conde Nast?)

CrescentMelissa

@Jolie Kerr leopard print scarf here...

MollyculeTheory

@Jolie Kerr Aahh, I wore leopard print wedges to the last pinup! But do not have them on today.

Jolie Kerr

@CrescentMelissa Let's sit together and refer to our section of the bar as the Cougar Corner.

Dancercise

@melis Let's be honest, Mal, we both know a couple of these types.

melis

@Dancersize Totty posh? Or whatever it was called? I'm not going to give them the pageviews by going back and looking it up.

Also, @Megan, sort of yes, but also sort of no. Deleted after I realize I spend way too much time commenting here to give any more details about where I work.

Dancercise

@melis
I'm thinking "woman who cries at her desk" and "woman who complains about her job but never does anything to change it."

melis

@Dancersize You sound a lot like someone who's getting disinvited to Duck Out for a Drink Day, Linda. MEAN.

melis

@melis ETA I am bad at knowing whether or not you are talking about me!

lovelettersinhell

@atipofthehat OMG IT'S CAT FROM LOIS AND CLARK! Which was pulled off netflix instant before I could even get to the wedding, I am so so sad and my life is less worthwhile than it was when I was watching an episode a day, I assure you.

BUT ANYWAY! Cat was the fabulous gossip columnist who mysteriously vanished after season one, and who was all about trying to get into Clark's pants which, have you seen him? I'd have been too! (not married me now, I mean, but a hypothetical single me that lived in new york city.) She wears slinky clothes, lots of leopard skin, and in one episode we learn she keeps random teddies (not the bear kind!) in her desk in case she has to leave for an assignation straight from work! But she practically wears lingerie to the office so whatever!

Also, Lois is, in the first season, my current age, but hse is all grown up and pays rent and has a job and I am all "well, I have a husband and I'm reading Infinite Jest? And I can bake scones?"

Time Platypus

@lovelettersinhell
That was my thought too!
And you can watch them all for free here: http://www.thewb.com/shows/lois-and-clark-the-new-adventures-of-superman/pilot/8c195596-57f9-4c37-8602-b0ac6cafe0d

libs

My name is not silly, MARY.

Jolie Kerr

@libs Oh man that was the most angry-making part for me! FUCK YOU, MARY, YOU UNIMAGINATIVE TWAT.

cherrispryte

Ahhhhh I am kind of a moaner?! But I have been applying for new jobs, I promise!

DH@twitter

@cherrispryte

Yeah, in all honesty, this is sorta me as well. Trying to find a job out of state is fucking hard, dammit!

Hello Dolly

@cherrispryte Me too! Moaners unite! It's hard trying to find another job period. Damn economy or something.

sox
sox

@cherrispryte I possessed traits of both a moaner and a bore. But I have also been sending out the resumes like nobody' business and people ask me about my cat catastrophes and how my vegetables are doing I swear!

cherrispryte

@sox You can't be a bore if people are asking!

DH@twitter

I'm not old enough to be an Aging Seductress. SOME DAY.

wee_ramekin

Ladies work like this, and THIS, and THIS. AREN'T I HILARIOUS?!?!?!?!

Oh wait. Does this sarcastic comment make me "The Barmy Feminist"? OH NOES!!

parallel-lines

I'm kinda the mysterioso at work: shows at 9, leaves at 5, never talks about home life and doesn't really make friends/hang out with coworkers after hours. Works hard during business hours, but work isn't my life so don't bother me on my own time. Most people can't process this.

atipofthehat

@parallel-lines

Probably stumbling over the "my own time" idea.

parallel-lines

@atipofthehat Also note: this approach will ensure you never, ever, ever get promoted. And people will resent you for ducking their drama.

atipofthehat

@parallel-lines

I know. For a long time, I was able to work from home and make an appearance one or two days a week.

L M
L M

@parallel-lines I do this too.

mustelid

@parallel-lines Haha yes. I have less personal obligations than many of the people I work with (mostly since I don't have kids) and yet they can't seem to fathom why I'm not interested in attending after work "social" engagements. I'd rather do... oh, anything else.

QuiteAmiable

@parallel-lines That is also me.

Hello Dolly

@parallel-lines I am right there with you. My co-workes try to engage me in conversation about their lives and I just give them stony silence in return. Some of them have caught on & stopped trying to engage but others just won't get the hint. Why do you have to be some social butterfly/annoying, chatty ass-kisser to get promoted? Why can't I be promoted because I'm good at what I do? Bah.

Hot mayonnaise

@Spicy Bubbles: People promote people they like, that also sometimes do a decent job.

thebestjasmine

@Hot mayonnaise I would also add "that talk about how much work they do/how awesome they are." Truth.

atipofthehat

@Spicy Bubbles

Not everyone is Penske material!

Hello Dolly

@Hot mayonnaise Darn you & your valid point. I tried to be liked, honest I did! And then they promoted someone who had been late so many times they should've been fired, and I stopped trying to be liked. Sorry, I'm a little bitter. I don't play the game very well.

Hot mayonnaise

@Spicy Bubbles I just promoted* ALL OF YOU!

*clicked 'thumbs up' icon

hannahc

Couldn't get past the first photo, as it was apparently "posed by model."

Women Smiling Alone with Giant Chocolate Bars.

Christina McMc

Man, I'm getting married in exactly *checks calendar* 364 days and I'm scared I might be turning into one of those wedding bores (although I'm more excited about a massive party than anything else, honest!) If I ever find myself crying over handbag shaped cupcakes, I might just walk out in front of a bus.

SarahP

@Miss Cay If you're anything like me, coworkers TURN YOU INTO the wedding bore! I'm not that into interest in discussing my wedding at work, but my colleagues keep quizzing me on how it's going and what's been done and what hasn't, do you have a dress yet, etc.

atipofthehat

@Miss Cay

Don't forget to put up 364 countdown Post-It® Notes all around your cube so you know where you are in the process!

melis

@atipofthehat It's like an Advent calendar that applies only to you! Also, instead of eating one for each day, try setting them on fire! They're very flammable. Very very very flammable. Flammmmmable.

atipofthehat

@melis

And why buy votive candles, when Triscuits will burn for hours?

HoliandIvy

@Miss Cay
It's like being pregnant. No-ne wants to talk to me about anything else.
I'm living it, I don't need to chat about it.

Magpie Shinies

Wow, actual INSTRUCTIONS for girl on girl violence. That's way better than just going by your gut instinct...

I'm leaving Entemann's on your desk! HA HA!

ironhoneybee

If I didn't already have a screen name, Crumbling Slut would be my top choice. Someone please take it.

itsureiswindy

whats the nickname for the woman who eats microwavable trader joes pasta with headphones in her ears not listening to anything so the guys in the lunchroom wont feel like shes listening to their conversation?

parallel-lines

@itsureiswindy There is definitely a catagory for "lady who microwaves fish and eats it at her desk".

fondue with cheddar

@parallel-lines We've got one of those. His name is Joe. It's always either fish, garlic, or onions.

fondue with cheddar

@itsureiswindy I just have to say that I LOVE your profile picture.

boysplz

@jen325 For some reason there's this lone microwave near my cube so I get to smell all the lunches. I swear that my coworkers live off of shrimp, garlic and broccoli. I love those things, but man, keep them away from microwaves.

fondue with cheddar

@boysplz EW. Oh, how about Mexican food? That's always a great lingering smell, too.

Fortunately, we have a kitchen so I don't have to smell the microwave.

Unfortunately, my desk is near the bathroom, and EVERYONE poops during the day. :/

parallel-lines

@jen325 My old desk was near this one person bathroom that for some inexplicable reason had a shower - so I had to know who snuck away to shower in the middle of the day.

fondue with cheddar

@parallel-lines That's awesome! Sometimes I wish we had a shower here. I don't know why.

So...how often did people shower in the middle of the day?

cherrispryte

@parallel-lines there's a shower in my office too! way on the other side of the floor, so I have no idea if anyone ever uses it.

parallel-lines

@jen325 Every day. Sometimes in the middle of the day. I don't know.

fondue with cheddar

@parallel-lines That's crazy. You should ask them why they do it as they exit!

amirite

@parallel-lines I've worked in offices with showers, but they were for cyclists. Nobody used them in the middle of the day.

foureyedgirl

Do my giant glasses mean I'm automatically The Sneak? Even if I don't care why people aren't at work?

fondue with cheddar

Did anyone see the article linked in the sidebar about the woman with muscular fibrositis disproportion? Even though she eats normally, her body can't store fat. People see her and assume (understandably so) that she's anorexic. "But I was desperate to look like my friends, who were all developing curves and beautiful figures. I stuffed myself with carbs and mum's huge roast dinners, but nothing seemed to work." That poor woman!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2029930/Mother-eats-like-horse-muscle-condition-stops-piling-pounds.html

Kneetoe

God, I guess you ladies are just awful people. Sorry to hear it.

parallel-lines

The weather talker: the person who always wants to talk about the weather, sometimes several times a day. Oh my god, you'd better have an umbrella.

kelsium

@parallel-lines This is me. It's because I really like weather! And I don't know what normal people talk about! And I don't have enough to do at work, so I spend all day reading the forecast discussion on the National Weather Service! I'M SORRY.

amirite

@kelsium I love talking about weather too. We live in fascinating weather times! Also I'm Canadian, it's how we do.

cherrispryte

Can I engage in a bit of woman-on-woman crime myself and complain about the type of office worker who is CONSTANTLY on the phone, sharing personal details of her life with her best friends and family, and has more drama than half-a-dozen soap operas? Is that a type? Also this type wears entirely too much perfume, and frequently takes a week off while giving almost no notice, so you come in Monday morning and all of a sudden it's "You're covering all week for this person who makes your job hell!" And she hasn't lifted a finger in 3 days, by the look of it.
Is that a type or is that my own personal living hell?

Related: Someone make sure I don't get too drunk tonight. I've had a rough week.

parallel-lines

@cherrispryte Yeah, I've worked with that girl. She would call each and every one of her girlfriends and siblings on Monday morning and describe in painstaking detail all of her relationship drama ("Oh my god and then he texted me from teh club, like, twenty times let me read you all of these texts aloud because can you believe he was talking to some 21 year old girl instead of me?!") and she would tell the same story over and over again for days. When I left I had elaborate fantasies of screaming, "you are single because you're an awful person who dates shitty, emotionally unavailable men simply for their money. You will be single for a very long time." I wanted to...but I didn't. The last part, while mean, would have been so satisfying.

Hello Dolly

@cherrispryte I feel your pain. My co-worker gets phone calls from her roommate all. the. time. that are never any sort of an emergency. It's just 'hey how's your day going?' kind of bullshit while the office is going crazy or some crisis is happening, and I have to sit here & try to handle all the crap while she's doing something she could essentially be doing WHEN SHE GETS HOME. Good golly. So yeah, I feel your pain & I'm sorry you're having a rough week.

sox
sox

@Spicy Bubbles The best part is that people somehow forget that we're in CUBES. Open air, folks. I can hear every word you're saaaayyyyinnnng.

cherrispryte

@all I've overheard my coworker having phonesex. IN HER CUBICLE. I pretty much pushed my headphones directly into my brain when I realized what was happening.

atipofthehat

@cherrispryte

I hate it when they just phone it in.

Lily Rowan

@cherrispryte WHAT

Hello Dolly

@cherrispryte Good golly! There are no words, really.

cherrispryte

@atipofthehat Assuming the gentleman she was conversing with is the man she recently married, he was incarcerated at the time, so her options were limited.

.... Once I start telling "wacky coworker stories," the rabbit hole just gets deeper and deeper. This is barely the tip of the iceberg.

atipofthehat

@cherrispryte

A drink will be rationed out.
My week was a bad one, too!

area@twitter

@cherrispryte I am so grateful for my door. So, so grateful. Particularly since the preferred method of communication around here for a few folks seems to be "scream down the hall until someone gets up, walks to you, and answers your question".

raised amongst catalogs

She Who Without Fail Snaps Her Fingers In Time To Her Footsteps works with me. I feel like she should have her own category.

Miss Zarves

I'm sorry, I tried reading through all your comments, but ever since that hairpin-in-urethra reference in the Joy of Sex post, I am having a hard time being here.

Clare

They forgot Annoying Laugher. I've got an ah-huh ah-huh ah-huh HUUUUUUUUH, and a heeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE in the cube pool with me.

heb
heb

If there's no Internet Girl, then this isn't a real list. I'M LOOKING AT ALL OF YOU.

Sydney C

@heb Yep. How about the one who is always surfing the web and NOT doing work, who will quickly pull up a fake spreadsheet and turn around and glare whenever she hears footsteps behind her?

SarahP

@Sydney C The spreadsheet is real, okay?! I'm just not doing anything with it.

cherrispryte

@Sydney C How about the person who looks into every cubicle to see what's on each person's monitor? Worry about yourselves, people.

Sydney C

@cherrispryte My office has an open plan (much like the show, the Office) and it is basically the worst. Everyone can see everything!

In case it wasn't clear, I am the glaring girl with the fake spreadsheet- not the jerk who rudely looks at other people's monitors. They are the worst!

cherrispryte

@Sydney C Ah - I was worried you were a jerk-looker!

We've got cube walls that are 5 ft high or so, but my monitor is positioned so anyone who walks by the cube opening has a clear shot of it. .... I may have installed a mirror so I can see who's walking by, and if they've looked in or not.

thebestjasmine

@cherrispryte Best advice I ever got when I started one job "Always move your computer monitor so that it doesn't face the door."

More battenburg, vicar?

My primary roles at work are jaded lady and righteous scarer of evil managers. I can be found sitting in a corner at (the frequent) service reorganisation meetings, muttering darkly about rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I can also be relied on to disturb bad managers with my Paddington stares. Ah - small pleasures.

SarahP

If you're not any of these, are you automatically The Bore? I'm afraid I'm The Bore!

I really want to be "The Posh Totty," because it's the best of the names. If you switch the starting letters, you could be the Tosh Potty!

KeLynn

I'm a proud Salad Dodger! Doesn't anyone else understand the logic of eating apples so that I CAN then eat rubbish?

More battenburg, vicar?

@KeLynn I've always believed that if you eat a piece of fruit or some salad, you have to eat cake or pastry or a family-sized pack of salt and vinegar crisps, to balance it out.

KeLynn

@More battenburg, vicar? I think maybe we need to get together and write a diet and exercise book together. We would make millions!

SarahP

ALSO, what does the Aging Seductress mean when she asks if we're going all the way? Is she talking about sex? To me? In the elevator? But she said "Hahahaha," so it's a joke, right?

bangs
bangs

I am the only person in my office this week, so I guess that makes me all of these things? Also, I should get some credit for coming in and being here, awake, most of the hours I am being paid for!

JillCool

I'm none of the above (I'm also clearly in denial as I have been most all of these at one time or another)

Miss Zarves

What about the power-hungry boss who fakes an allergy to mint in order to have a reason to yell at you (for daring to chew gum after lunch), and then when you go to mandatory work happy hour and watch said boss suck down mojito after mojito, you decide in a quiet drunken fury that this job is not worth it and call her out on it?

PHB: "I'm actually only allergic to spearmint, not peppermint."
MZ: "Oh, you don't say... I actually bartended for five years and I know for a fact that those leaves ARE spearmint.... should I call 911?"
*awkward silence*
MZ: "That's such an odd allergy anyway. Like, you never hear about people who are allergic to Siamese cats but not Himalayan."
PHB: "When I was younger, it gave me hives."
MZ: "Who wants shots?!"

Claire Zulkey

I'm the one who prefers to avoid interaction (to a polite degree) and doesn't mind if people think that makes me look like a bitch because I have enough friends already.

parallel-lines

@Claire Zulkey That's why I have a plaque on my desk that says, "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to WIN!"

Claire Zulkey

@parallel-lines I have a scorpion encased in plastic on my desk but nobody gets the hint. Maybe I should get one that's alive.

melis

@Claire Zulkey "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to poison you with my scorpion!"

can't get there from here

oh man this made me so sad. jesus. i'm gonna go drown my sadness in chocolate and then feel guilty about it and tell my cats that no one will ever love me.

melis

@can't get there from here Rich Santos???

gfrancie

Women Amirite?

I suppose what is even more disturbing about this piece is that there are hints for being a psychopath. Maybe that is what one's role is supposed to be? "Hi I am your office sociopath. Now excuse me while I sleep with the boss and tell people that I am not friends with other women because they are jealous of me because I like to hang with the guys. I can't help but be naturally awesome and gorgeous." *flips hair*

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