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Thursday, August 4, 2011

109

Nine Excerpts From the August 2011 Vogue, Presented Without Commentary

1. “This ‘Jell-O’ shot dates back to the 1820s and was the brainchild of Antonin Carême, one of the greatest chefs of all time. Enemies of Jell-O shots have Carême to contend with.”

2. “No woman wants to outeat her lunch companion, so our chosen dishes are pleasingly equable as to grossness (animal fats) and healthiness (leaves).”

3. “Fascinating women — by which I mean mysterious, lone females who appear in people’s novels or shoot the last of the world’s leopards in Africa — are rare in the twenty-first century.”

4. “’If I wasn’t doing candy, I’d want to create the best rescue animal-shelter organization. Otherwise, the Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson were so much a part of my childhood, and Janet and I have become friends. So my second dream job would be backup singer for Janet Jackson!’”

5. “Harf calls the swabbed among us ‘Heroes in Waiting.’ And nothing suits a hero in waiting like a crisp summer pedicure.”

6. “Correcting baggy eyes with lasers is not new, says Tina S. Alster, M.D.”

7. “A lady came in just an hour ago, complaining that hers were old-looking, and so I injected them with Juvéderm, and now she’s got smooth, plump, young earlobes.’”

8. “How would he rank my lobules on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst? ‘I’d say an eight, which is fairly significant. But there’s still a relatively nice shape to your earlobe.’”

9. “Personally, I’m fascinated to see what [Sarah Jessica Parker] will do next. Movies, for sure, but perhaps on the other side of the camera? Or politics? SJP for mayor of New York? Why not?”

Anna Fitzpatrick is a Toronto based writer and the web editor at Worn Fashion Journal. Her earlobes are awesome.

109 Comments / Post A Comment

gimlet

"Fascinating women — by which I mean mysterious, lone females who appear in people’s novels or shoot the last of the world’s leopards in Africa — are rare in the twenty-first century."

Oh you go right on and fuck yourself.

gimlet

also, this: http://www.fascinatingwomanhood.net/

Great if you need a good laugh, or if you want to induce vomiting.

melis

"Her? Why, that's Lady Catherine Rookford Featherstonehaugh Baroness von Countess de Lessups, my dear! They say she's raped a hundred endangered baby polar bears. To death! Fascinating woman. Simply fascinating. Shall I introduce you?"

gimlet

@melis Shit like this proves that Vogue is like any other dumbass ladymag. The only difference is instead of saying "you are inadequate as a female because you don't give Your Man sloppy enough blowjays and you probably drink vodka sodas like a wimp and your hair is too short," Vogue says "you are inadequate as a female because you don't have enough money to buy any of this shit and you are also not some kind of weird Ernest Hemingway wet dream."

melis

"Of course, if you'd prefer not to, darling, you needn't meet her. Shall I introduce you to Clementate Katerina Cathryyyn Catia Katia Nadia Truthington the VVIXXVQ? She's made entirely of swords and eats only the most exquisite little butterflies every third March."

PistolPackinMama

@gimlet of *course* you know about the great scandal that enveloped Truthington, don't you? Well! As I understand it, she had her beady eyes set on Fudgy Rumbundt, the wealthy industrialist. That great pile of granite the Truthington's call an estate house won't keep itself up, you know. Terrible, what has happened to their drains!

ANY-way! Truthington had Rumbundt down for a shooting weekend, and who should barge in on the festivities but Araminta Plum-Duff, the well-known aviatrix!

And Minty Plum-Duff, who had just gotten her knew Sopwith, did a couple of barrel rolls over the back paddiock, and that was it. Fudgy was hers forever.

I expect that's what made Old Truthy so unpleasant these last years. FUR-ious her financial savior made off with an independently wealthy stunt flyer.

I think Minty and Fudgy are living in Abbyssinia now. Or somewhere. Very hush hush, all of it.

-- I could do this all day, because Vogue is that annoying--

Diana

@melis I wish these comments could be knighted.

Jennie Smash

@gimlet The sad thing is, I want to read a whole book based on these people you've just made up. And not at all ironically.

ladypilot

@LateyKatie please comment like this all day. thank you.

IceHouseLizzie

@LateyKatie Yes! Please go on....I am completely spellbound. I need to know if Truthington finds her money-bags savior in the end...

PistolPackinMama

@IceHouseLizzie I don't like to gossip. (ahembaldfacedlieahem) And I am sure @melis could tell you better than I, what with her cousin's sister-in-law's fiance belonging to the same club as Rumbundt, as one does. But! I have heard that old Brigadier General Truthington OBE knew someone from the war that did shady dealings in gold mining.
With the van Krumkakes, out of Pretoria.

If all accounts are to be believed, the Brigadier may have arranged for Danish van Krumkake to meet Truthy, and hopefully the fatal interlude will occur then.

One can but wait and see.

melis

You know damn well Rumbundt was drummed out and horsewhipped on the steps of the Junior Ganymede after that business with the disfigured boy in Monte and it's simply cruel of you to bring it up now.

michealjohn

@gimlet First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics , i will be always checking your blog thanks.
electronic cigarette

L M
L M

"equable."

I love a useless coinage. (and yes I know it's not a coinage but really? REALLY?)

Monkey

Earlobes now? EARLOBES?

Please excuse me while I go throw myself into the path of the world's last leopard in the hopes that it will eat me before someone with fascinating earlobes shoots it.

call_me_pippa

@Monkey your icon is too perfect right now

LolaLooksFrench

@Monkey I laughed really hard when I saw the earlobe thing until I realized it wasn't a joke and then I cried a little.

area@twitter

“No woman wants to outeat her lunch companion, so our chosen dishes are pleasing equable as to grossness (animal fats) and healthiness (leaves).”

I can't even what the fuck? There's so many things wrong with that sentence, it's solidified into this single crusted mass of verbal bullshit.

emilylou

@area@twitter UGH worst excerpt.
Also, in my social circles: NOT TRUE.

area@twitter

@emilylouise I am delighted to hear that. (Also, what if your lunch companion is a fruit bat? Or a hummingbird? These are the kind of things that Fascinating Women might encounter.)

Megasus

@area@twitter That article gets even worse when the women she is eating lunch with eats like "1/3 of her quiche, and 1/2 the salad."

emilylou

@area@twitter Would you shoot it? I mean, if it was the last African fruit bat/hummingbird? Then you, too, could be Fascinating.

area@twitter

@emilylouise I would stalk it in the nude and strangle it with my bare, perfectly manicured hands. Then pickle the carcass and eat the wing for breakfast. (Just the wing! And MAYBE a spoonful of earlobes. On organic mesclun, of course.)

emilylou

@area@twitter A whole spoonful of earlobes? What a binge. Make sure to portion it out in regards to grossness and healthiness!

Ophelia

@emilylouise You'd better take a quiz to see how many calories are in fruit bat and hummingbird.

Quinciferous

@Ophelia Fruit bats lived outside my window last year and oh my, those things are enormous. They probably count as Unhealthy Animal Fat (whereas hummingbirds get rated healthfully on accounta their fast metabolism).

Fruit bats, coincidentally, eat facing upside down, but turn themselves right-side-up to poo!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@area@twitter It's more fun if you read 'outeat' as 'eat out'.

fondue with cheddar

@Mere You beat me to it! :)

Also, I would love to eat out some of my lunch companions.

dandelion

Lobules! Finally.

hungrybee

I'll be honest, some days I do not consider it a successful lunch until I have outeaten my companion.

melis

Or eaten, depending on the companion.

Casanova Frankenstein

@hungrybee That's what I came here to say. Every time I order something with the word "lumberjack" in the description and the waiter tries to give it to the dude I'm eating with instead of me, I take it as a challenge to eat the shit out of that food.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@melis Or eaten out!

brista128

@melis Fascinating!

emilylou

I think Vogue might be my least favorite magazine. Of any magazine. Ever. So pretentious. Speaking of "grossness," I want to go to lunch with all its writers, outeat everyone, then barf all over them.

melis

@emilylouise Even Vanity Fair?

emilylou

@melis Touche.

Weeelllll, least Vanity Fair had that big Lindsay Lohan article scandal a few years ago. Vogue never pissed off a trashy celebrity to my entertainment and delight.

collier

@emilylouise : Y'all clearly have never picked up an issue of Town & Country. It's all "poor dear Violetta's nanny is being deported, we've no idea what to do" and "what to do when a friend gives you an Hermes scarf *you already own* and also you know she regifted it" and how it's so atrocious when people abbreviate "Saint Barthelemy" as "Saint Barts" and god, Armagansett is so gauche now, it's a shame.

JessTheMess

SJP for president of everything!

brista128

@JessTheMess Forever and ever!!

area@twitter

I would like to hear bets on what is being "swabbed" in Quote 5. (No earlobes! Too easy.)

wharrgarbl

@area@twitter I want to be all "The insides of cheeks! They're marrow donors being matched with recipients!" but I know this isn't true.

area@twitter

@wharrgarbl I- oh, I thought of how incredible that would be, all these people lining up to maybe save a life together, and then I realized that there's no way that happened and they were all having their elbows detailed or something vacuous. TEARS.

BobbedHairedBandit

@area@twitter Don't be sad, the article is about bone marrow donors! I just enjoyed the transition into the line about pedicures.

MollyculeTheory

@wharrgarbl I was going to go with "participating in genetic screening for the cankles gene" ):

area@twitter

@BobbedHairedBandit ahhhh DELIGHTFUL. All of my smiles! I had a kidney transplant in high school, so the whole donor thing always makes me so happy. WE LOVE YOU, DONORS. You are all beautiful magnificent people with gorgeous earlobes, and you all deserve the crispest of pedicures.

wharrgarbl

@BobbedHairedBandit Holy shit, I was just pulling that out of my ass. Good for them. May their pedicures be ever-crisp.

scully

@area@twitter Decks. It's got to be decks, matey.

area@twitter

@scully YES. "Yarrr, me hearties! Time fer pedicures from Bill the Butcher! The decks'll be a-running red- with FASHION!"

hairdresser on fire

This is unbelievable, and I love it, especially old earlobes. But also, on a similar note, EDITH: LETTERS TO THE EDITORS OF WOMEN'S MAGAZINES? PLEASE????? I'd die of happiness.

cashmere velvet candy cane

@hairdresser on fire I'd rather have Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines than ALL THE QREAM IN THE WORLD.

gimlet

@hairdresser on fire yes. Please. Please please please.

theharpoon

Like this? I totally want it to come back too.

theharpoon

Argh! Link lost to the edit! Anyway, here, here, and here.

I think this might be my favorite:
"I would have thought it’d cost like a thousand dollars to help an elephant, they’re so big. If I ever met one in real life, I’d be like, “Careful, do NOT come near me, no joke.” And if it did, I’d throw a rock at it, I don’t care.
Brenda T., Grand Rapids, MI"

wharrgarbl

I hate everyone involved in all of those sentences. They make me want to shoot the last leopard in Africa for all the wrong reasons.

Lady Pennyface

I hope Cher is getting a byline on that "Simple Secrets" article.

QuiteAmiable

I out-ate all of my lunch companions today without shame. Free BBQ baked potatoes? Don't mind if I have several!

hungrybee

@QuiteAimable Right? Because, who doesn't want to be in the very exclusive Clean Plate Club. These new social climbers lack the right kind of ambition from what I can see.

QuiteAmiable

@hungrybee Right! There are starving children in the world who would love to have the option to clean their plates! Think of the children when you eat! (But don't eat the children!)

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

(read in Attenborough voice) 'And there she is; the world's last fascinating woman, training her Remington rifle on the world's sole remaining leopard. Magnificent.'

wharrgarbl

@Too Much Internet Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

perfect_cursive

@Too Much Internet Everything should be narrated by Attenborough. Like movie trailers. No one could bring to life the majesty of, say, Final Destination 5 quite like Attenborough.

melis

@Too Much Internet "Oh dear, what a shame, it looks like the recoil from her Remington has caused her to fall back in the dirt. I shall have to post this to my YouTube channel."

gfrancie

My earlobes inspired the last FIVE nobel prize winners in literature.
I also like to pick off condors whilst wearing little numbers that I inspired Karl Lagerfeld to design.

Ophelia

@gfrancie You wear clothes? I only wear gold-encrusted hummingbird wings as pasties, and endangered leopard-pelt loincloths.

gfrancie

@Ophelia By clothes I mean the tears of starving orphans (only thin ones because I don't want to look fat) and the eye lashes of giraffes.

 clara morena

@gfrancie My hips inspired an Architect! True story!

scully

@gfrancie I like the idea of Uncle Karl designing an entirely new numeric system for me to wear...

Brunhilde

“No woman wants to outeat her lunch companion..."

I cannot *not* read this as "eat out", and then I wonder, why do queer chicks hate lunch?

femme cassidy

@Brunhilde We're really into brunch (girls love brunch, and TWO girls love it TWICE as much!), so we're usually still full by lunchtime.

whimseywisp

@Brunhilde I LOVE LUNCH!

Cavendish

Ugh. Can't we let Grace Coddington take over everything?

Bebe

@Cavendish Anna Wintour is just the worst! She never, EVER takes any chances any more with what is featured in Vogue, it's always her same 3-5 pet designers plus the usual standbys. And all that jumping! Why are the models always jumping? Not to mention that the writing is dreadful. Seriously, it's like the opposite of that old joke about people only getting Playboy for the articles - I'd be ashamed to tell people I read Vogue articles, so I just say I only get it for the pictures. Of jumping models.

BScottie

@Bebe Ugh, I haaaaaaaate the jumping models! I am so sick of it; it distracts me from even being able to comprehend what they're wearing because my eyes roll SO far back in my head.

ejcsanfran

Carême also invented Qream - which is spelled "Carême" in French.

miss buenos aires

@ejcsanfran Which raises the question: can you drink it during Lent? Is it the *only* thing you can drink during Lent?

WastedPaper

I'm so flawed! I must fix ALL THE THINGS! My mirror cracked itself in disgust :(

likethestore

I read Vogue cover to cover every month and even I lost my shit at the Jello shot thing.

itsasatchel

After a close reading of the above, I realized:

("Personally, I’m FASCINATED to see what [Sarah Jessica Parker] will do next.")

+

(In the cover SJP is wearing a FASCINATOR.)

=

Watch out, the last of the world’s leopards in Africa.

QED.

kaynut

What does she mean by "doing candy"? I wonder if I stopped "doing candy" if I'd be running my own exotic cat shelter by now. Jeezy creeezy we need one what with all those Fascinating Women running around.

beanie

@kaynut it was about the lady behind Dylan's Candy Bar...who was getting married. Why did I read that article again??

Pterodactyl

@beanie I'm so ashamed that I knew who it was about solely from the quote. Now I need to cancel my internet and open an exotic cat shelter to feel clean again.

brista128

@beanie Hahahaha I thought candy = cocaine or something.

kaynut

@Pterodactyl If you're interested in co-ownership, I already bought the domain name CougarsCougarsExoticCatsandMoreCougars.org. That's the 13th step of kicking the ol' candy habit.

Kneetoe

That would be one he'll of a blood bath, that killing the last leopards in Africa, because there is a shit ton of them. I know, not nearly as many as before, but, really, there are a lot, and that fascinating woman would really have her work cut out for her. In fact, she'd have to devote her life to it, and after a bit I don't think she would even qualify as interesting.

Elsajeni

@Kneetoe All she would ever talk about at parties would be her weird leopard-killing life's work, thus bringing her back around to boring. "Oh God, the Leopard Exterminator Lady is coming our way! Quick, spill your drink on me so we have to go clean it up."

Kneetoe

@Elsajeni Exactly

beanie

The fact that Vogue has a story monthly about ladies getting random weird and expensive plastic surgeries to look young bums me out. I'm fine with them being pretentious about clothing, vacations, etc. but it makes me really :c to see them frequently discuss plastic surgery as if it's a necessity/only option when you get older.

MrComment

I've been waiting for someone to be the first to raise the issue of earlobes, because frankly ladies, I find many of your danglers repulsive.

Lili L.

Anna, this is one of my favorite articles ever. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

bexia

Does Sarah Jessica Parker's face induce females into spending frenzies at Bergdorfs or something? I mean, that's the goal right?

You have to hand it to Vogue, they're truly innovative in encouraging self loathing, insecurity and credit card debt. And mediocrity in journalism. And mediocrity in fashion.

@melis yep, Vanity Fair is the grossest, grosser even than animal fats. And who know you thinks VF is totally edgy and rocknroll? My man friend's rich, early retired, bourgeois parents. That is weak. The only thing they think is cooler than VF is living in a town where everyone is rich, white and over 50. Everyone.

Bebe

Do they think VF is edgy because every 3rd cover is LL? The other 2 being Jackie O and Marilyn, of course. Just the 3 of them on endless repeat, except for the "New Faces of Hollywood Issue," which features 20 generically pretty white people you will never hear about again.

pinesy

"Sarah Jessica Parker: How does she do it?"

Do you mean 'how does she accept that amount of bad photoshop on her face, which makes her look cross-eyed and creepy'? Because if you do, I wonder that too.

RK Fire

Fuck you Vogue, animal fats are delicious.

area@twitter

@RK Fire I KNOW. I was like, have these people never had anything with bacon in it? Or duck?

RK Fire

@area@twitter: fries in duck fat? ::swoon::

Also, because of the emerging bacon-backlash, I feel obliged to point out scrapple and sausage. Although scrapple is probably waaaaay too base and pedestrian for the likes of Vogue.

area@twitter

@RK Fire I had duck nachos once and they were so good I almost passed out.
Mmmm, scrapple. Are you from Baltimore too? My dad is and he has a raging scrapple addiction. I like it too as long as I don't think too much about what I'm eating.

Lili L.

@RK Fire The Ideal Woman shoots leopards but eschews animal fats. I'd sooner eschew leopards and shoot animal fats. Intravenously, if possible.

kayjay

SJP: Why the long face?

melis

Hey that's new.

kayjay

@melis Duly noted. I'll keep my hoary chestnuts to myself from now on.

SuperMargie

...and to think they ran every damn thing by Wintour and she gave all this tripe a thumbs up.

Flic Everett@facebook

I just need to say that I love everyone on this thread. That doesn't happen on most websites, believe me.

Flic Everett@facebook

I just need to say that I love everyone on this thread. That doesn't happen on most websites, believe me.

dillicious

I just spent 5x longer reading the comments than I did the original post (and definitely more time than reading Vogue)...hairpin commenters make my life

nomorecheese

Vogue is really hit or miss for me. I really enjoyed, for example, their somewhat recent Natalie Portman cover. But the Rihanna issue? And this? I think Rihanna is talentless and gross. And I really don't think anyone wants to be like SJP!

screwball cate

It just occurred to me...exactly WHY do I like reading the Hairpin so much? Because y'all are the antidote to all the damaging brainwashing crap that I used to read in women's mags. So to all the posters and commenters: THANK YOU!!!!

stuart

Its feels great to have come across this post as this kind of information are not proper to people like me.
How to make a website

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