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Thursday, August 11, 2011

103

Less Coherent Than Santorum!

GOP Rep. Allen West takes the water-beer idea to the next level:

I like chocolate chip ice cream, and I will continue to like chocolate chip ice cream. So there's no worry about me changing to vanilla. I like to, you know, ride my motorcycle. What do you want me to do? You want me to change my behavior and ride a scooter? I'm not into that. People can change their sexual behavior. And I've seen people do that. I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, so I've seen a very different perspective on human behaviors. So that's where I'm coming from on that.

Guyyyyyys, you have to walk away from the metaphors. And the similes. You are confusing the shit out of us. Is being gay like riding a scooter instead of a motorcycle? Why can you change your sexual behavior but not eat vanilla ice cream? Do you know what "vanilla" means? Also, if you're from Atlanta, and you have light to shine on this, please do.

Promised declarative statement: This man is not intelligent, and should not be holding political office.



103 Comments / Post A Comment

melis

NICOLE

All of these FIRM DECLARATIVE sentences are driving me WILD

bloomer

No idea what he's saying, but Atlanta is crawling with homos. I got laid more often when I lived there than I do in New York.

City_Dater

@bloomer

Maybe that's the "very different perspective on human behaviors" he's going on about...

graffin

@bloomer So, you are saying that Atlanta and you are not chocolate chip iced cream types. You are more into scooters.

I will stay away from Atlanta because I ride my motorcycle.

*you pervert*

theinvisiblecunt

Allen West wants you to know he is NOT into anything vanilla.

Ham Snadwich

I have news for Rep. West. Chocolate chip ice cream is just vanilla with some fucking chocolate chips in it.

wee_ramekin

@Ham_Snadwich That's the thing that gets me about this and Santorum's statement: each one leaves itself completely open to the easiest destruction ever. "Marriage is like water, not beer. You can't turn one into the other"? Oh right, except when Jesus did it. "I like chocolate chip ice cream and not vanilla"? Right, except that, as you so beautifully put it, vanilla ice cream is THE BASIC INGREDIENT of chocolate chip ice cream.

Like, are these guys secretly sending out homo-acceptance messages? Are they SO hateful that they've rounded the bend all the way into tolerance?

megancress

@wee_ramekin But...but...but...isn't water an essential ingredient in the beer-making process? Isn't beer mostly water with stuff fermenting in it?!

telling_everyone

@wee_ramekin is rounding the bend into acceptance like getting in a shower SO HOT that it feels cold? whiiiiich brings us right back to this whole water thing, so...huh?

Ham Snadwich

@wee_ramekin I think he's saying that it's ok to bone a dude as long as there's chocolate chips involved. Similarly, gay marriage is just regular marriage without hops and malt. I haven't worked out what those things symbolize.

Kneetoe

In Atlanta he has seen many people eating chocolate chip ice cream while riding a motorcycle, and some of them used to be gay but aren't any more. NOW do you understand?

melis

I swear it's Georgia's only choice - throw up your hands and lift your voice! MONORAIL!

Ham Snadwich

@Kneetoe I ride a motorcycle and prefer vanilla ice cream. What does that mean?

Kneetoe

@Ham_Snadwich That you're gay, but, like, happy gay and not sex gay?

sox
sox

@Kneetoe I ride MARTA whenever I'm in Atlanta (much to my old high school friends' chagrin - they say it's too dangerous to ride even in broad daylight). What does that mean?

Megasus

it's funny because all the behaviours he thinks you can't change, you can, and the ones you can't are the ones you can change.

nokittythisismypotpie

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oh, I don't know, I bet that one night in college, Allen West had a couple too many (very manly) beers... and got coaxed onto a scooter.

Megasus

@nokittythisismypotpie But he still wouldn't eat vanilla ice cream.

gfrancie

This makes me think of when Senator Ted Stevens talked about the internet not being a big truck but a series of tubes. And just like the internet and the tubes, the ice cream/scooter/Atlanta analogies are making me confused. Ice cream and sexuality? Wha?

Ophelia

@gfrancie In my household, whenever the internet isn't working, one of us will explain to the other that it's not working because, "you see, the Internet is a series of Tubes..."

laurel

@Ophelia: It's important that you shout it.

Ophelia

@spiralbetty Yes, and we try to sound kind of old and creaky, too.

shannonmkennedy@twitter

Wait, so it's easier to change your bedroom feelings than your ice cream feelings? Confused.

gfrancie

@shannonmkennedy@twitter genitals are NOTHING compared to your choice of ice cream. Whatever you choose it is for LIFE.

Ophelia

@gfrancie God, this puts whole new meaning to that ice cream infographic from a few weeks ago.

gfrancie

@Ophelia Lemon custard is for life. Boobs are for college.

shannonmkennedy@twitter

@gfrancie Yes, mostly true. Chocolate 'till I die!

oboesqueaks

I live in Atlanta and is the different perspective that there are a ton of gay people here and they're just like everyone else? I'm still confused and don't get the connection to ice cream and scooters.

HeyThatsMyBike

@oboesqueaks I'm trying to figure out whether or not he's saying he's been to Blake's, which has in turn informed his perspective on human behavior.

oboesqueaks

@HeyThatsMyBike Or walked into Bulldogs thinking it was a sports bar...

plonk

is there something about his delivery or something that we're not getting from the transcript, like he's trying to say that not being able to change your sexuality is AS RIDICULOUS as not being able to change your ice cream preference? it doesn't make the analogy any more apt, but at least then it's internally consistent enough to even argue with?

boysplz

@plonk Apparently it was taken from two different quotes and then put together out of order to make it extra crazy. The second bit is from him pointing out how his race can't change but his sexual behavior could.

But THEN when the interviewer asked if he was saying that gays should just be straight he says no and goes on the whole ice cream/scooter thing. So, I think his thought processes make a bit more sense that way. It's still all sorts of confusing though.

Here's a link to the vid from the interview
Link text

plonk

@boysplz oy, ok, thanks for finding that. i think homophobic arguments are dumb enough already without needing to be artificially extra-crazified. misquoting people helps no one.

that said, this thread has been amazing, so!

boysplz

@plonk I agree, it's poor journalism and feeds the media persecution complex that people on the right have. It's not like they need help looking foolish anyway.

nilbog

@boysplz thanks for posting this.

Tina Steele Wiltzius

My favorite flavor of ice cream: penis. But maybe I could change.

El Knid

@TSW I like the Ben & Jerry's version called "Hubby's Chubby"

ditriana

@El Knid it's a hardcore version of karamel sutra...

telling_everyone

Dear Allen West: I work in an ice cream store and also am queer. we haven't had chocolate chip ice cream in stock since May but we have vanilla every day. if I stop crushing on girls, will chocolate chip come back?? Please explain, thank you.

elizabeast

@telling_everyone It depends. Do you commute to work via motorcycle or scooter?

telling_everyone

@elizabethmarley I bike! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

femme cassidy

@telling_everyone Bicycle=gray hanky.

melis

@femme cassidy Left or right pocket?? LEFT OR RIGHT POCKET???

boysplz

@melis Middle, make it vers for maximum confusion.

femme cassidy

@melis Fixie is right pocket, otherwise it's left.

telling_everyone

@boysplz like a tail!

Xanthophyllippa

@melis And is the pin on my kilt upside up or upside down?

meattubs

Sometimes I like pralines & cream and other times I like rainbow sherbet. I even like frozen yogurt sometimes. My boyfriend is thoroughly confused about my sexual orientation.

femme cassidy

I used to be all about plain chocolate ice cream, but then I discovered caramel mocha crunch and it was like, WHOA, I didn't realize ice cream could BE so awesome! This is an analogy, about how I totally thought I was into having sex with dudes, right up until the first time I had sex with a lady.

I still don't know what the fuck West is talking about though.

yeah-elle

my favorite flavor is coffee, so i am clearly an unchangeable pervert for life.

sam.i.am

There's a joke in here about leather chaps, but I just can't seem to find it.

nokittythisismypotpie

@sam.i.am Oooh, let me try:

Allen West is a small-minded, homophobic asshole. And, um... leather chaps!

TheFang

@nokittythisismypotpie ZING!

Brunhilde

If Allen West was an ice cream flavor he would be Pralines & Dick.

Tina Steele Wiltzius

I take my ice cream like I take my men: chocolate with big nuts.

I'm here all day people.

Ophelia

@TSW Sweet, and a little fruity?

ditriana

@TSW ic-cold and covered in chocolate syrup?

Black Socks

I love peanut butter and chocolate, and I really want a scooter. Does Atlanta have room for me? I'm pretty sure I'm a girl who likes boys, but I'm not wavering on my ice cream stance.

QuiteAmiable

The big question is: what the hell is in that photo?

Ophelia

@QuiteAimable At first, I thought it was sushi, but that made no sense. Then I realized it was dessert?

QuiteAmiable

@Ophelia Sushi, yes, my first though too! And then I said, No, that's a portobello mushroom burger covered in something like motor oil.

cat of the canals

@QuiteAimable If you scroll over it you'll see that it's "fancy ice cream dessert 3". I love fancy dessert.

Marzipan

First, you guys are awesome.

Second, the thing is, a well-crafted metaphor is a thing of beauty, and it's power should be respected. The extended metaphor is a dangerous, wily beast: in the right hands, it can be powerful, but if you let it get away from you, impossible to control. (did you see what I did there did you see it did you) MOST IMPORTANTLY: it is NOT TO BE thought up on the spur of the moment, that never works. These guys know less about metaphors than they know about gays!

wee_ramekin

@Marzipan I saw what you did there.

MmeLibrarian

Dammit, now I want ice cream.

ejcsanfran

@MmeLibrarian: I'm craving cock.

purefog

@QuiteAimable: On the left: A cheeseburger with sauteed onions and bacon nestled in an ashtray. In the lower right: A pool of rhubarb sauce in the shape of an elephant about to inhale a peanut. In the background, a couple of mushrooms with a sprig of rosemary. Atlanta food.

SBGBlogs

I don't see what all the fuss is about. I understand perfectly. I'm just a girl ridin' around on my scooter or motorcycle or scooter and eatin' chocolate chip ice cream and running over bottles of beer and cartons of vanilla ice cream with my scootercycle talkin' about the joys of water and drinkin' water and not beer and that's what life is, guys.

You know? DO YOU SEE???

Motorcycles and water and chocolate chip ice cream is the stuff that life is made of and you can't CHANGE that, god, what are you CRAZY?!?!?!

M'fly

I am legit confused by this dood. Is he saying that he can't change his ice cream preference or his 2-wheeled vehicle preference? There is NOTHING IN THE WORLD that would make him like vanilla ice cream or scooters? Wouldn't that lead to the logical confusion that people also can't change something kind of more important, like their sexual preferences?

Also I prefer butter pecan ice cream, but it's not the only kind of ice cream I like, and if someone offered me chocolate or lemon I would be totally into that too. So I guess that makes me sexually confused or something? Which I guess is sort of accurate, because I feel like I am 99% lesbian but I keep dating dudes and doing this boring hetero thing and I hate it. :(

And I'm just going to put this here: the hottest, kinkiest girl I've ever slept with is from Atlanta.

Rrraaarface

I think maybe he started talking about ice cream and motorcycles, got horny, and lost his train of thought? But maybe that was just me.

graffin

@babyinthecorner I can picture him making these statements while a buff man on a motorcycle slowly licks a cone of chocolate chip ice cream. After he makes this rambling statement, he stands up with a bulging erection.

Magpie Shinies

@graffin Before I read your last sentence, I was Bi. Now I'm a Lesbian.

And I want Moosetrail ice cream, too for some reason.

thebestjasmine

I hate chocolate chip ice cream. The chocolate chips are too cold and hard and crunchy and you have to stop and chew them when you're just trying to eat your happy ice cream. Oreo or cookie dough, baby.

Wait. Does that mean...something? Am I a lesbian now? Or just in love with Cookie Monster? Do I think that because I've been thinking too much about the Sesame Street characters today because of the Bert and Ernie press release? Please advise.

telling_everyone

@thebestjasmine "Ask an Allen West: ice cream, human sexuality, transportation, and poorly executed metaphors"

Megasus

@thebestjasmine I like more than one kind of ice cream OH GOD.

Sorry For Partying

@thebestjasmine YES. The chocolate chips are just too hard, and don't even taste good when they're that cold. Even in cookie dough ice cream, I think the chips inside the dough are just there to keep me from eating too much.

thebestjasmine

@Sorry For Partying Indeed, I pick around them in cookie dough ice cream too. I wish there was cookie dough ice cream just without the chocolate chips in the cookie dough. I should make ice cream like that. Oooh, I really SHOULD make ice cream like that.

joie

@thebestjasmine it's called Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Dough and it is the stuff of heaven.

Xanthophyllippa

@thebestjasmine If you're in love with Cookie Monster now, I think it means you're a Furry.

karion

I'm rather fond of the Dan Savage approach to being gay is a choice.

"You think being gay is a choice? Then prove it and choose it - suck my dick."

M'fly

@karion Yes! I love that. Because if it's a choice, then anyone hetero person can not only consciously choose to have gay sex, but they can consciously choose to REALLY REALLY ENJOY having gay sex, and then go right back to being totally straight.

Related: if these anti-gay folks think that being gay is a choice, does that mean that they all had to consciously decide to be straight? Because if someone is legit 100% straight then I don't think that thought process ever actually takes place.

TheFang

Also, I think that might be one of the most true declarative statements ever.

Saaoirse

Ice cream just can't be a motorcycle, guys, it just can't.

Roaring Girl

@Saaoirse http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/19/dining/19soft.html

IT SO CAN.

Saaoirse

@Roaring Girl NICE. Although: two-page article that says "some people find ice-cream vans annoying?" For the reals?

Roaring Girl

@Saaoirse #1: How long did it take the writer to write all that? Cuz jeez.

#2: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE DISLIKING VEHICLES THAT BRING YOU ICE CREAM?

Saaoirse

@Roaring Girl It's like, I get that they can be annoying. But come on, middle class problems much?

ALSO, YES. ICE CREAM: THE SEX OF MOTORCYCLES, APPARENTLY.

gfrancie

@Saaoirse I am worried about ice cream melting on motorcycles.

lil.orphan.shannie

If I like chocolate chip and vanilla ice cream, does that make me bisexual?

notandersoncooper

@lil.orphan.shannie: Prudie says it makes you a swinger.

riotnrrd

My taste includes both snails and oysters.

Amber

I'm from Atlanta, and yes, it is full of gays, and at least within the community in which I live, no one makes any fuss about it, but this still makes no sense at all.

ditriana

@Amber OMG I KNOW YOU. hi, it's becca. :)

Amber

@ditriana O HAI!

palliata

my brain is full of billions and billions of fuck...

greenzo

Hm. So on the one hand, I'm a married, straight lady, which I think the gentleman from Florida would dig. But on the other hand, I'm constantly trying new flavors of ice cream, gelato, sorbet, and frozen yogurt, so I guess I'm an abomination of some kind? Is that it? Does it help if I clarify that I take the bus?

shannonmkennedy@twitter

I just really need to know what a narrow, self-serving, ignorant interpretation of the bible tells us about choosing both a morally upright flavour of ice cream and godly two-wheeled transport.

WICFWJCAAWHRABOAS (Which Ice Cream Flavour Would Jesus Choose and also Would He Ride a Bike or a Scooter)?

Magpie Shinies

@shannonmkennedy@twitter Jesus would take a Cadallac, duh.

katherine delongpre

@Magpie Shinies Jesus would take a stretch Hummer.

fondue with cheddar

When he was in college he liked both chocolate chip AND vanilla, but it was just a phase.

Magpie Shinies

Every time I hear about Allen West, all I can think is, "I'M BATMAN!" which renders me unable to even comprehend this ice cream/scooter thing.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@Magpie Shinies I'm pretty sure he's gay too?

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