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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

234

Bedroom Routines, Presents, and Work "Friends"

I've been dating an incredible guy for almost six years (through college and beyond). He is caring, smart, motivated, funny, and all the other amazing qualities a girl could ask for. Except one thing: our sex has become... mediocre. At the beginning, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, as is to be expected when people are first falling in love. But over all these years, sex is still the same as it always was — same routine, same place. I find myself getting bored, resentful and generally losing interest. This scares me, because I love him and don't want to feel these things toward him. I've heard people say that losing interest in sex is the first sign a relationship is doomed — what are your thoughts? Is it normal, in a long-term relationship, to have lulls in sex-drive or could this be the beginning of the end? How can I get him to shake things up without making him feel criticized or embarrassed?
 Please help!

I'm just going to say this out front: Sex is overrated. There.

Don't get me wrong, sex is important. Sex is enjoyable. Sex is something I need and want all the time. It's just that, I have a whole bunch of other needs and wants that have come to replace my singular focus (i.e. Have Sex!) from when I wasn't having any sex at all. This ability to expand my intellectual horizons has come, in no small part, from my wife who sexes me more or less whenever and however I want.

It may be the beginning of the end, but then again it may be the beginning of the beginning.

There is a whole group of professional sex writers and boink wonks who hold forth that if you and the missus haven't yet invested in a foam wedge and a swing, well, you're missionary squares. Like the couple that wrote the book "Just Do It" about having sex for 101 days straight, as of it was some kind of marathon. You know what, running a marathon sucks. You know what, fuck you 260-day couple.

You know what else, missionary positions is fucking great. She comes. I come. Why not do it every time? Tom Wolfe wears the same white suit every day and he's loved for it. Comfortable repetition is classy and there's no need to be ashamed of it.

That said, lulls are totally natural. Lulls sometimes last four years, coincidentally about the same amount of time it takes for a little girl to learn to not be scared of the night.

But if your lack of interest stems from not from outside pressures of what should be and more from inside yourself, then go ahead and take a little initiative. Who knows, maybe he feels the same way and is scared to bring it up for fear of coming across like a pervert.

Just don't start with the butt plug.

I’ve known this guy for awhile. We were always flirty friends at work but just work. He had a girlfriend and even though I liked flirting with him, I never thought we’d date. Well he broke up with his girlfriend and instantly started talking to me tons more, asked me out, we made out. Then he basically dumped me and said he didn’t want me, that he was in a bad place and I even found out he was casually dating another girl. I cut him off for a week but then after that week we fell back into talking every day and hanging out periodically. A month later he told me that all the stuff he had said in the past wasn’t true. That he liked me and wanted to be with me. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. 
We dated for a month and then he completely flipped back to “I know I care about you, but maybe it’s just as friends.” I’m not stupid and I knew what was happening, so I tried to make it a simple transition back to just friendship. I guess that he just wanted to cut and run, cause it turned into “ignore her until we only have a 30 minute break-up phone conversation.”

The thing is that he can’t run very far because we work at the same company (though not in the same office) and we are both a part of the same very small social group of young people here. I have two questions: 1) I want to believe that he does actually want to be friends, but his dickish actions in the break up seem to say the opposite. Does he want to be friends or was he just friends with me before because he was interested in dating me? 2) How do I be friends with him when I’ve seen him at his most callous? Does he expect me to just brush it under the rug? He said that it was up to me if we were to be friends, which I feel is a cop out. I’m not the one who was a complete asshole, and if we are going to be friends, wouldn't it be appropriate for an apology or an explanation of why he treated me that way when he said he was my friend. 
Just an FYI: I don't want to get back with him, I don't want to hang out tons outside of work, I just want that easy work friendship back where we talked a lot and got our friends together for lunch.

Run away. Or shank him first. But certainly run away.

FYI: You put more thought into this question that he's put into you.

My boyfriend and I are approaching our two-year anniversary next month, and while I haven't felt entirely secure in the relationship for a while, when he suggested that we not do presents, I started to panic (not because of the lack of presents mind you, but by what that meant).

He seems to want to completely ignore the day; just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away. I don't need him to be jumping for joy about it or anything, but it's an exciting milestone for both of us (we are both each others' longest relationships).

Oh, that being said — no, he isn't going to "surprise" me with a gift anyway ... the last two Valentine's Days he asked for the no-present deal and that's how it happened.

Part of my general paranoia is that he once talked about maybe wanting to live on his own at some point, wondering if he's supposed to meet other people to learn and grow from them, didn't see us getting married or having a long term relationship (...this was a year and three months in) but after some much needed communication found that he was just worried we were too much like his parents and we would only get divorced like them (we are similar, but very, very different than his parents, which I explained and enlightened).

He also, in our entire time together, has only ever spoken the words "I love you" to me in person once, instead of "I love you, too" (sometimes says it at the end of a phone call but not in person). I've never pointed this out because I know he would think I was silly, making it up and forgetting other times. He insists that he doesn't want to say it too often because it will "lose its meaning"...personally, I'd like to say it at least once every day, and I don't think that's asking too much.

I love him very much and could see us getting married, but I'm wondering if maybe I'm being too understanding/patient about his inability to communicate how he feels about me. What should I do so that I'm not constantly in my head wondering whether or not I mean anything to him at all?

Is your boyfriend in the Tea Party? Because in our new era of austerity, we must look at across-the-board spending cuts. We can no longer afford to live beyond our means. Kidding! Tea Partiers don't actually do any of the things they claim to support.

I don't know how old you are, and that matters but… guys are utilitarian. And, they like to think, full of reason. Don't say "I love you" too often because it loses its meaning? Duh. That makes perfect sense, because, you know, if I wear those shoes I like too often they'll wear out. If he never said it at all, I would say you've got something to worry about. It's far more likely that he's just not very sensitive to your needs because he's just not a very sensitive person.

Now, that might seem depressing, but the upside is that there's room to work with that. It sounds like he has intimacy issues, maybe on account of his parents' break up. Divorce can wreak havoc on a person's sense of getting close to others, but it's not an excuse.

I think you're right to want better communication. I would suggest you find a way to be fun, or funny, about asking for more. Anything but an approach that he might perceive as you pushing him. Men respond well to humor; if we didn't, all those beer commercials would just be a waste, right?

Previously: Living Together, Cheating Compulsions, and Marriage Smoke Signals.

A Married Dude is a married dude who doesn't claim to know everything about marriage. Do you have any questions for A Married Dude?



234 Comments / Post A Comment

thebestjasmine

Oooh, I don't like this dude's answer to the last question at all. He doesn't say I love you (and comes up with a stupid excuse for why), he doesn't give you presents, and he makes you wonder all the time if he cares about you? Girl, flee. This is not the guy for you. There is nothing that you can do (especially nothing fun or funny) that will make him say I love you or do things to make you realize that he loves you. This is not to say that he's a terrible person, he is just not the person for you, and he's never going to make you happy, and he's always going to make you feel unsure and paranoid. I know that this is hard, but you need to get out of this relationship before you get more and more unhappy.

dinos

@thebestjasmine I keep hoping that you're secretly one of the A Lady writers.

rararuby

@thebestjasmine totally agree. This letter made me feel so sad and lonely. Get out LW3, he doesn't know what he wants and is not capable of giving you what you want. You shouldn't have to "explain and enlighten" him out of his excuses not to continue with your relationship. Flee.

thebestjasmine

@dinos Is it sad that this is the nicest thing that anyone has said to me all week? Does it make it better that this has been the week from hell and it's only Tuesday? Anyway, thank you.

jacqueline
jacqueline

@thebestjasmine Preach! Exactly what I was thinking.

wee_ramekin

@thebestjasmine Seconded. Also, do you want to be in a relationship where you are second-, third- and fourth-guessing yourself about how this guy feels about you? Your letter oozes that uncertainty, and it breaks my heart.

I know that this is the longest relationship that you have ever had, but that does not mean that it's the best relationship you've ever had, nor does it mean that it's the best relationship you ever will have.

Since you have been together two years and "just break up with him" is often hard advice to take, I will say that I think A Married Dude is right that you need to figure out a way to communicate more. I wouldn't try to josh or joke your way into some communication though. It looks like you were able to communicate pretty well with your fella a few months ago when you thought he didn't want a future with you. Try that kind of communication again...see if it brings any new info to the table.

If this communication comes to naught though, please ask yourself if you want to always worry about and question your relationship. I have been in a scenario somewhat like yours, darlin', and I remember feeling so confused and befuddled and like my head was full of cotton because I couldn't ever stop worrying about whether or not the person wanted to be with me. We broke up, and painful as it was, the clarity and lack of anxiety following that break-up was so, SO worth the pain.

Good luck, friend. I hope you know we're all thinking about you!

MrComment

@thebestjasmine Agree. The guy has some shit to work through. They're not married yet. Why is there this need to keep working on something that makes her feel bad? It's incredibly self-centered for the guy to treat every aspect of the relationship as if it's some obligation placed on him. Celebrating little holidays is a chance to have fun and make the other person feel good. He should want to do that. I've been that guy in the past and I wouldn't have wanted to date me.

parallel-lines

@thebestjasmine I hate this too. He doesn't tell you he loves you unless prompted. No, girl! Homeboy should be like, holy shit, I love you and I'm excited to be with you and here is something thoughtful that I got you because I know you care about these things and that's important to me. Dude is not just being nonchalant, he is being straight up LAZY in terms of intimacy - and you do not want to marry lazy (hint: it won't get better because of a ring). My parents are divorced but part of growing the fuck up was learning how to deal with my issues around that and my own relationships.

antarcticastartshere

@MrComment "Why is there this need to keep working on something that makes her feel bad?"

THIS.

Marzipan

@MrComment Celebrating little holidays is a chance to have fun and make the other person feel good. He should want to do that. I've been that guy and I wouldn't have wanted to date me.

Umm, I'm no poet, but that was frickin' beautiful. Thanks for sayin' it! It's so true. Guys may be utilitarian but if you can't see the logic in trying to have fun and make your partner feel good, you don't understand anything about how girls/relationships/life works.

antarcticastartshere

@antarcticastartshere Also "Part of my general paranoia is that he once talked about maybe wanting to live on his own at some point, wondering if he's supposed to meet other people to learn and grow from them..."

This makes me assume that the letter-writer is very young, possibly young enough to still be living with parents or at least just out of college, because it sounds like they are living together and have never (in their adult lives) NOT lived together? And if that's the case, honey, maybe he's right about maybe needing to live on his own and learn and grow from other people. And that's not your responsibility, or your fault, or anything to do with you.

thebestjasmine

@wee_ramekin Everything that you said is so true. I know that the break up with him advice is hard to take, and that she probably won't take it, but lady writing in, you do not have to be so sad. You will be so much less sad and uncertain single than you will be with him and questioning whether he loves you all the time, and being heartbroken because he can't even get you a damn stuffed animal or flowers or bubble bath or a toy for your anniversary.

undercoverhippie

@thebestjasmine Exactly! I scrolled down to the comments specifically to see if anyone had articulated the generalized feeling of "what? No." I had after that last answer. and you nailed it! I also second the nomination of thebestjasmine to be A Lady!

iceberg

@thebestjasmine I third your nomination for A Lady!!! I always think your comments are spot on.

Hope your week gets better!

silviesays

@thebestjasmine I just wanted to say that every time I prowl one of these threads, you're one of my favorite commenters. Hope the rest of your week goes swimmingly!

thebestjasmine

@silviesays It's like a Hairpin group hug up in here! You guys are the awesomeest.

Lisa Ring

@thebestjasmine Srrrrrrrrsly!! I just assumed at the end he'd be like "JK. Get out now." What a strange answer.

roughe

@thebestjasmine i don't really think this guy is an asshole. i think he's probably just clueless about what he wants (or how to get it) and comfortable with drifting along with someone who makes him kind of happy right now. she asks him and he tells her upfront that he doesn't see them getting married. that he thinks he should have some experiences with other people. they're both each others first long term relationships and it sounds like he knows it's not what he ultimately wants. that's not asshole-y or immature, in fact i think a lot of people get married because they are unable to admit these things to themselves. i think the girl really needs to stop pushing away red flags and start really listening to him and the answer will be very clear.

thebestjasmine

@roughe I agree with you, I specifically said he's probably not an asshole. He's just not compatible with her in any way. Except for that "I don't tell you I love you because it will lose effect" thing -- that's an asshole move.

MrComment

@roughe In a sense he's being conscientious by trying really hard not to make a promise he can't keep, but man, why be in a relationship if you're not going to get any of the good stuff out if it. There are so many really amazing people out there to meet and have crushes on and cry over and get excited for and maybe connect with. Sitting around waiting and telling yourself, "maybe this is the best it can get?" It's just depressing.

chevyvan

"...didn't see us getting married or having a long term relationship..."

When you're boyfriend tries to tell you something, you better sit up and listen. Believe him. He is just too chickenshit to break up with you...or too satisfied with the awesome deal he's getting (a girlfriend who says it's okay when I don't want to celebrate our anniversary? score!). I learned this the hard way.

I am so sorry hon. Seriously. You are panicking because you know deep down inside how this is going to end up. It's going to be really really hard, but the sooner you get out, the sooner you can meet someone who deserves you and reciprocates and give you what you need.

foxbat91

@thebestjasmine
The column is "ask a dude", not "ask a dude who will say all the things a lady wants to hear and thereby confirm all of your doubts/fears about things that dudes may find completely trivial and basically below the level of notice but that make you just way nervous to the point of writing in to a lady blog advice column."

thebestjasmine

@thebestjasmine Not quite sure what you mean by this -- if you mean that this column says things that aren't real and good advice and instead tells you what a girl would want to hear, then I'm with you. If you mean that this column says what real dudes would say, then I don't understand, because it's not "Ask an Asshole."

Hot Doom

@thebestjasmine There's not really anything new that I can add to what has already been empathetically and articulately said. However, having been in a similar place, it is so hard to end things, but so, SO worth it. It will hurt to cut those ties, and may take a while to do so, but once you are able to put in perspective what it feels like to not have to wonder or worry about the relationship, and what he is thinking and to make excuses for his behavior, it will be so refreshing.
Also, as much as it hurts to realise, LW3, he has already said that he's thought about moving on. He may not want to hurt you because it will make him feel guilty (that's speculation, but it comes from sucky experience), but that was his way of gauging your reaction, while being honest. Take that, and run.

foxbat91

@thebestjasmine
Just for the record, I would totally read "ask and asshole".

lucystrawberry

@thebestjasmine

Exactly.

Getting the insight into what he is really thinking is good, but...

In the end of boils down to how the way he treats you makes you feel.

He might not intend to make you feel bad....but you feel bad.

You have to figure out whether you can live with it. Because it won't change.

BScottie

@lucystrawberry
"In the end it boils down to how the way he treats you makes you feel. He might not intend to make you feel bad....but you feel bad.
You have to figure out whether you can live with it. Because it won't change."
YESSSSSSS! I learned this the very, very hard way. It doesn't make the guy wrong, but it makes him wrong for you. The person you should be with is the one who, more often than not, makes you feel good. Compromise is essential in any relationship, but you have to recognize if you're the one making all of the compromises. If so, make him walk the plank, arrrr.

Hot mayonnaise

How can I get him to shake things up without making him feel criticized or embarrassed?

You could shake things up.

rararuby

@Hot mayonnaise I'm impressed and mystified by your use of italics AND bold. Way to comment!

Guybrush

@Hot mayonnaise Word! It's like, um, the 21st century?

iceberg

@Hot mayonnaise yeah not sure why this wasn't the advice instead of what, boring sex is totally great.

theharpoon

@rararuby html, you can do it too! w3schools.*

*Ignore this if there was some undertone to your comment that I'm totally missing.

rararuby

Oh LW2 - he doesn't want to be friends. "Let's just be friends" is what jerks say to soften the blow when they tell you they're not interested in you. If you have to see this guy on a regular basis, be civil but never friendly, like not icy cold, but not super "hiya", don't be available to him or his ego. Act like you couldn't care less, until you couldn't. And remember, it's not personal.

Queen of Pickles

Bargh, not a fan of the flippancy and slapdash hastiness of this Dude's answers.

Hot mayonnaise

@annainbrooklyn: Dude on a deadline.

MrComment

@Hot mayonnaise With a five year old.

glitterary

@annainbrooklyn Yeah, I disapprove of this Dude! Way for the askers to write a really long question and get rubbish answers :(

The first lady perhaps should assess how she's acting when it comes to sex; does she follow the same routine, and just have sex when it's offered? Possibly her boyshape is also wondering how they could spice it up a bit. Perhaps she could start by initiating sex more often, and in different places. Or she could decide what she wants, and then suggest it, just as something she thought would be fun--doesn't have to say anything at all that could be construed as criticising. Probably the type of sex they're having now would be more fun if it wasn't the only type of sex they're having.

Second asker should just clear the air: say, "Hey, I know things have been a bit weird between us since we broke up, but I just want you to know I'm cool with it and hope we can stay friends." If he starts putting the moves on her again, politely decline. That way, she makes it clear that that's all she wants; if he can't act civilly under those circumstances he's a hopeless case.

And the last lady... just needs to have The Big Conversation. The, Where Is This Going / What Do You Want From Me vs From Life / What Can We Do To Make This Work For Both Of Us.

TheRisottoRacket

@annainbrooklyn The worst! If you're going to do one of these "Ask A..." columns, put some thought into it damnit!

Cherryblossomgirl

@annainbrooklyn I don't understand why a letter would even be chosen if the advice giver can't muster up a full paragraph answer.

tea tray in the sky.

@glitterary AAAAhhh.... boyshape.

theharpoon

@glitterary I don't think LW2 should "clear the air," the guy she was talking about was obviously a total jerk who deserves no air-clearing whatsoever. A Dude's answer was spot-on for that one in my book.

tea tray in the sky.

@Cherryblossomgirl I dunno, I actually think the two-sentence answer was more spot-on than the others. I found the wordiness/helpfulness ratio of the other answers not so great, whereas the response to LW2 really implied a lot that was important. Not that I don't think the LW deserved a more detailed response, because there was a lot more there to delve into, but oh well. Overall, not too insightful A Married Dude this week.

glitterary

@theharpoon Fair point--though she did specifically say she still wants to be friends with him so they can do stuff in a limited social circle. If that's her priority and she'll settle for civil, not pressing for an apology (while writing him off as a loser she won't get too close to in future) might be the best option.

But if it's going to bug her every time they hang out, I'd say she can tell him his behaviour was hurtful and while she's ready to put that behind her she'd like some acknowledgement from him that he acted like a juicebox.

Cherryblossomgirl

@Twinkle Little Bat Super late here, but I guess I always think if I was so worried about something that I wrote to an advice column, I would want a little padding in my answer...because I'm a sensitive little flower or something. His advice was good, but a tad flippant.

Clare

FYI: You put more thought into this question that he's put into you.

That is a third-degree burnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

charizard

@Clare And guy put more thought into a third-degree burn than he did giving good advice.

wee_ramekin

@Clare But it is trueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

wee_ramekin

@charizard I dunno. I sort of feel like his answer was right on. It's pretty obvious to all who read poor LW #2's question that the dude is a total juicebox. It's also pretty obvious - to me, at least - that she is putting WAY more thought into this situation than it's worth. Don't try to "get back to being friends" with a guy that treated you like shit - twice! - and doesn't have the cojones to be a professional at work. What with the letter-writer's complicated "I do want this but not this and not this but just a little of that from our now non-existent relationship" request, I feel like A Married Dude needed to be blunt with his answer. This is one of the few situations that's black and white.

LW #2 - Just cut that mofo' off from anything other than a polite "Hello" (you don't even work in the same department, so it's not like you have to work closely together), and be thankful that you didn't end up in a relationship with this joker.

gimlet

@charizard That's all the advice that the question deserved, in my opinion. What else could you say? "That guy is a dick. End it." Fin.

Saaoirse

@gimlet Sure, the advice was spot on, but if it sounds like he blames the lw, which in all its bluntness it does, she won't take it. There's a way to be blunt without being mean, you know?

Ham Snadwich

@gimlet Yeah, no need to make that any longer than it was.

KK@twitter

@Saaoirse

Honestly A Married Dude is right. I had hoped that there was more going on, something complicated, some sort of angst behind the guy's actions comparable to my own angst...but there is nothing except complete uncaring.

I wrote this letter to thehairpin awhile ago and here is the update: On a particularly bad day, where I felt isolated from all my work friends (none of them knew the guy and I were dating) I told the guy that I needed to talk. He said there was no reason. I said that if I think it's worth it, I hoped he would respect my request. He agreed to talk but when he told me he'd get back to me, he never did.

So from that moment on i just stopped worrying about being friends. I don't talk to him unless necessary. It's not hard at all. :) The hard part is not thinking about him. :(

Emma Peel

@Clare Yeah, I know this Dude's answers were kind of flippant and I'm sure I'd be irritated by it if I were asking the questions, but GOD sometimes it's nice to just tell it like it is and not ruminate ruminate ruminate. He's a juicebox! End of story!

Tailfeather

@Clare Not thinking about your own personal juicebox is hard! What I do is, whenever romantic or sexy or wistful thoughts come unbidden, I immediately remind myself of something I find really physically unattractive about the dude. It's your chance to be a judgey, nitpicky bitch. Does he have bacne? Thinning hair? Flat ass? As long as it's something that gave you teeny pause, inflate it. Really focus on it. What about habits? Obnoxious laugh? Ball-scratching? Poor grammar? Go there next.

Finally, really focus, DRILL DOWN, on what you dislike about him as a person. He's finnicky and insensitive, isn't he? Now, why on EARTH are you wasting brain space on this undesirable?

The next steps are to a) Make new friends at work. Stay busy busy busy, and before you know it, you won't think of him at all. b) Keep your eyes peeled for a new crush. In the office is a pleasant distraction, but external is probably better.

Before long, you won't have to play the mental peanut gallery game described above, because you genuinely won't care.

Bebe

@KK@twitter You dodged a big juicebox shaped bullet right there. You'll stop thinking about him eventually. And then one day, you will remember him and say, "What the hell was I thinking with that guy? Whew, I am SO GLAD that never went any where!"

scully

@KK@twitter I'm glad you got over wanting to be friends with him. It sounds like he's really unworthy of it. Best thing to do is to treat him professionally and nothing more. Eventually you will stop thinking about him, I promise!

thebestjasmine

@KK@twitter Aww, I'm glad that you're done and are ignoring the juicebox. And Tailfeather's advice is RIGHT ON.

KK@twitter

@thebestjasmine

Can anyone explain to me what a juicebox is? Thank you so much!

Tailfeather

@thebestjasmine Aw, too kind! At any rate, KK, once you do succeed in not caring, this is likely when he will want to take another stab at getting in your pants, because people are predictable animals like that. Remember, this is NOT your goal in the Not-Giving-a-Shit game. The GOAL is not giving a shit. The potential bonus is shooting him down, with your most pitying smile. Then you can PRIVATELY tell your real friends how sad the whole thing was. Privately, because you are such a nicer person than he is.

Whether you get the bonus prize or not, you've still won. Bigger and better, Baby.

KatieWK

@KK@twitter The good part of working with him is that you will eventually see evidence of his lack of character elsewhere, and it will confirm to you that you were right to get over him. It may take weeks or months or longer, but if he treats others the way he treated you--not necessarily horribly, but simply without any integrity to his actions--he will develop a reputation in the workplace. And in that moment, you will be glad you're NOT known as that guy's girlfriend. And then you will feel awesome.

Unless, of course, he's actually just a sociopath with a natural knack for business politics. But something tells me he's the other kind of juicebox--the one with no convictions and an inability to handle uncomfortable situations like an adult.

wee_ramekin

@KK@twitter Hey girl, I'm glad you're getting over him! Even if it sucks inside, just know that what you told him was really respectful of YOURSELF, and you won. You totally, totally won.

Also, origin of "juicebox" on The Hairpin Dot Com.

BUtterfieldGR8

@KK@twitter Well done you! And can we get this girl some Zebra Cakes?

didgeridoo

@Tailfeather this.is.so.true.

I chose to remind myself of his godawful balls, but to each her own.

nokittythisismypotpie

For the record, can I say (as a guy) that actually, no, saying "I love you" only infrequently so as to preserve its meaning does not make perfect sense. Not even a little bit. And while the infrequency with which he says it may or may not mean that your partner is having doubts about your relationship, if its not working for you, its something that you can (and should, and must) work on together.

Also, must offer one more defense of males: we are not, in general, comparing expressions of verbal affection with shoe leather.

atipofthehat

@nokittythisismypotpie

If "I love you" isn't shoe leather, why do she and I keep having spats?

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@atipofthehat: Deft wordplay, that.

nokittythisismypotpie

@atipofthehat Well, it's understandable to be confused when it comes to matters of the heart and sole...

queenofbithynia

@nokittythisismypotpie What, no, it totally makes sense, it's like the way the more attracted to someone you are, the less often you want to sleep with them, so that once a year when you do it's like BANG POW so meaningful.

atipofthehat

@nokittythisismypotpie

When the tongue comes in contact with the lace, it's a shoe-in.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@atipofthehat: I'm trying to work 'aglets' in and it's just not happening.

myeviltwin

@nokittythisismypotpie Puns on such serious issues make me want to boot.

queenofbithynia

@queenofbithynia Or: You know what makes saying "I love you" meaningful? Meaning it. The number one reason people don't feel like saying it is because it isn't actually true.

nokittythisismypotpie

@myeviltwin Well, if the LW is reading this, perhaps they can help her with the heeling process. Or, at least, I hope she gets a kick out of them.

atipofthehat

@Too Much Internet

Maybe the guy is just a heel.

kbeez

@myeviltwin o shit mollygood!

nokittythisismypotpie

@atipofthehat At the very least, he doesn't need to be so arch about displaying affection.

atipofthehat

@nokittythisismypotpie

That's a defeetist attitude.

nokittythisismypotpie

@atipofthehat I just don't think she should have to cobble together a relationship with a guy who tramples her feelings underfoot. And if that makes me a realist, well, shoe me.

atipofthehat

@nokittythisismypotpie

I agree. If he won't toe the line, he probably didn't take a shine to her.

atipofthehat

@atipofthehat

Maybe the relationship wasn't meant to last

nokittythisismypotpie

@atipofthehat ...or the toe-box was built too small.

nokittythisismypotpie

@atipofthehat For real, though, they're just not right for each other. I just hope that once she's ended it, she can stilleto-ther men have a fair chance at giving her what she needs.

nokittythisismypotpie

@nokittythisismypotpie Fuck, stiletto.

brooklebee

@queenofbithynia the more attracted to someone you are, the less often you want to sleep with them, so that once a year when you do it's like BANG POW so meaningful.

OMG I recently got out of a relationship with someone who had that attitude! It made my brain (and ladybits) explode, and I am. SO. HAPPY. to be free of it. I think it came from his Catholic upbringing, but man, it was a downer.

fondue with cheddar

Flirty work friend is a total juicebox.

sam.i.am

@jen325 Word. LW#2, he was the jerk. It is not up to you to repair the relationship or try to maintain the cool in the group. Ignore him, and if/when others ask what happened between you, just say, "It's a long story. I'll tell you another time." And let that "other time" be "never."

gfrancie

@sam.i.am AMEN. He was never a friend. A FRIEND does not treat a friend like that. Another sociopath on the loose like a lion from the zoo.

@gfrancie So many of them... I'm scurred.

fondue with cheddar

@gfrancie At least you always know where the lion stands.

sophduck

I agree with all of this ask a dude, except the answer to the last question. I knowwwwww I know it's a ridiculously easy thing to say and a lot more complicated to do, but I don't think this lady should stay with this guy. I'm not saying he's not into her, or that he'd be a lot more into someone else, but I think she needs someone who gives more - reassurance, emotion, romance, whatever. Purely speculative obviously, but if she feels like this after 2 years, which isn't really very long and certainly isn't long enough for the commitment pressures to start weighing heavily from all directions, and it's obviously bothering her a lot already, I just think the deeper she gets with this guy the more insecure she's going to become, until she ends up truly miserable, receiving a perfunctory kiss on their 20th wedding anniversary and screaming inwardly to herself SHOW ME SOME EMOTION FOR FUCKS SAKE. Ok that's clearly a very dramatic worst case scenario, and yes I have just finished reading a very depressing novel about a repressed marriage turned sour, BUT...bottom line, if her boyf doesn't do displays of emotion, and she needs displays of emotion to feel secure and happy, it's not gonna end up a happy combo. Yes he could try to change and make an effort, but she would know it was just that, a conscious effort to do something that he probably doesn't even get the need for, but which means a lot to her and which she will read a lot into the lack of. Life :-(

Stevie

@sophduck I completely agree. I went from one of those "issues showing affection and with commitment" boyfriends (which was compounded by his alcohol problems, but oh, how sweet he was when drunk! and then eventually his infidelity issues) to total heartbreak (obviously) and then to meeting a completely different type of guy -- sincere, affectionate, playful, and very expressive. Sometimes we fight because I think he's being "too sensitive" (and that's my job, right? J. Crew) but I do realize that's the other side of the coin of this very communicative and loving boyfriend, and it's so worth it. LONG STORY SHORT, I second that emotion. If you need to hear/feel that you're loved, find someone who can communicate that to you -- this guy won't ever get there. And that's fine, because you'll find someone who fits you so much better.

honeybadger

@Stevie i agree. i was in the same sort of relationship (i spent valentines day this year on the couch watching tv alone while he played hockey video games at his brothers house), and finally got out of it in march. he wasn't withholding of the i love yous, but was generally resentful of me, moved out while we were still dating, and after we broke up infidelity issues (such a nice way of saying he was a cheating dbag) came to the surface. i'm still kinda upset about it, but am so so so looking forward to meeting someone who doesn't treat me like an inconvenience. so your comment just cheered me up a little!

sarah girl

@Stevie I'm in the same situation! I went from a guy who I would honestly, no-joke ask "Do you even like me, or do you just tolerate me?" to a guy who is so effusive with his praise that I can hardly believe it.

I'm so glad I didn't settle for the first guy, for having to play a guessing game every night after we parted ways as to how he felt about me now, for feeling guilty when I wanted more affirmation. My current guy is kind of a goofball, but he loves me, and tells/shows me that clearly and often.

charizard

Uh-uh, not a good answer for one. Don't tell someone craving a big plate of nachos that they are allowed to be pleased by a stick of celery.

OP for #1: Sexual desire absolutely, positively waxes and wanes. Don't fret if you're in a waning period. I've been with the same guy for eight years. Sometimes the sex gets shitty (typically due to our spending too much time together or my hormones or the way a butterfly in Japan flapped its wings), but it nearly always upticks after a few weeks or months. And then we get sick of each other again. And then we discover each other again. And so on.

franceschances

Ohhh LW3. I'm just going to quote Sugar on this one and say "You can't convince someone to love you." You've been trying for 2 years and it's not working now. Get out, take the time to heal, and find the person who will love you back. Big hugs!

wee_ramekin

@melis I cannot click on that link because I will immediately start crying at work.

melis

That white stripe in her hair comes from wisdom.

atipofthehat

@melis

I love you.

There: I said it.

melis

@atipofthehat Don't fall recklessly, headlessly in love with me.

NeenerNeener

I was on board with the first and (even) second answers A Dude gave...

wakeshakecake

Yeah, number 3, no! What about the guy in the alternate universe of reality who really loves you and tells you all the time and never makes you feel angsty about the future? He exists and he is better than this "afraid of my parents divorce" dude. Not everyone is the utilitarian Marlboro Man of relationships, it is possible to be manly and totally into your girlfriend in a demonstrative way as well.

angelinha

@wakeshakecake For reals! And there's a big difference between being a quiet guy who doesn't say I love you a whoooooole lot, and being a juicebox who only says it begrudgingly when you beg him, and then says he doesn't want to wear it out. And who doesn't give you presents or even want presents from you.

kayjay

Lady #3: I think all signs point to "Go be with someone who appreciates you and worships the ground you walk on and peppers you with kisses and I love yous because YOU DESERVE IT and you're wasting valuable and precious time with someone who is clearly not feelin' it the way you are."

Lady #1: Take some initiative and turn it around. It takes two to have sex. Sometimes three or four. Suggest a threesome and a foursome! Just kidding unless you're really into that. Relationships ebb and flow, and you're in a rutting rut. It's completely fixable. The fact that you're even thinking about it and wanting a fix means it's fixable.

julia

Terrible answer to #3 (not even an answer).

But, is this where I can talk about what Robyn wore on Leno? Yes or no? Becausseeee lace bicycle shorts + 3 belts + cowboy hat. When is Jane doing a "Get the Robyn look?" vid? Oh, this is not where to bring this up? You guyyysssss.....

hungrybee

@julia I owe you my thanks for helping me get through the rest of this work day because akjsdfhgb;qejk Robyn! Also, nice take on the Canadian Tuxedo, Rye Rye!

QuiteAmiable

@julia Every Hairpin thread is suitable for a Robyn high-jack.

Probs

Dang. I hate to say it, but this edition is a little weak. I doubt I could do much or any better, but as others have said this seems a little tossed-off. That FYI is spot on, though.

Titania

Ugh, Dude, you kind of sucked this week! This is the definition of smug marrieds totally forgetting what it's like to be single, with the added issue of you never having been young and female. Oh well.

#1--Sex is only overrated if you're having good sex on demand whenever you want it, like this Dude. If you're having bad sex, it's all-consuming. Try the spice-it-up stuff! Talk to him! Don't just let it die, but don't pretend it's not a problem either.

#2--You were the rebound. You should have had a circle of Hairpinners around you with their hands locked to keep you from touching this man for six months after his relationship ended, but you didn't, so it got effed up. That said, I would basically not talk to him for about three months, not in a cold way but just in a "hey, I see you but I have nothing to say to you way" and then start being casually friendly again. If he sucks he'll read too much into it and tell you he still doesn't feel that way; if he doesn't, he'll be relieved to have things back to normal.

#3--He's not going to marry you. Ever. Be glad you found out now and marry someone who gives you presents instead.

becky@twitter

@Titania el oh el to the circle of hairpinners.

L M
L M

@Titania +1 for the bridget jones ref.

She Saved The World, Alot

@Titania ugh i so wish i had had a circle of hairpinners. guess i'll have to do the three-months thing

fondue with cheddar

I disagree that routine sex is okay. It may be for some people, but not for everyone. There are plenty of things you can do to spice things up, and the internets are full of them. And they don't all have to include butt plugs.

After you've had a lot of sex with someone, you become like a well-oiled machine. It's easy to fall into the routine of doing it the way that is best for both of you every time. But it's important to step back and ask why you're having sex. Is it to satisfy a need? Then by all means, do it the efficient way! Is it to share an intimate bonding experience with your partner? If so, then switch things up, take your time, try something new. Do something to make it different than usual, or focus more on kissing and touching and less on getting off.

This reminds me of a conversation my boyfriend and I had recently about positions (not that positions are the only way to change things up). He apologized to me for doing a particular position instead of the one I like best. I said that, while that may be the best position to get me off, I like that we do different things. We will often stop in the middle (before climax), take a breather, chat for a few minutes, then get back into it. (In fact, we had the aforementioned conversation in the middle of sex!) It's kind of weird, but it brings us closer together and somehow makes the sex better.

Sorry, I think I'm getting off topic. I'm in a new relationship and sometimes I just start gushing because it's wonderful. Gushing figuratively, not literally. Well, okay...sometimes literally. ;)

heb
heb

Ohhh, #3. Are you past me? Because if you are: He's going to decide to move across the country, and you're going to be heartbroken. Cut your losses now and go. (AND FOR FUCKS SAKE, DON'T CONTINUE TEXTING HIM.)

gimlet

WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH BUTT PLUGS, is my question.

nokittythisismypotpie

@gimlet True story.

JoanTition

@gimlet I came here just to say NO, DO START WITH THE BUTT PLUG.

...because even it it freaks him (or you!) out you still have to/ get to talk about a butt plug and what it means and you should know these things about your long term sexy sex partner. CONFRONT LIFE WITH A BUTT PLUG.

*maybe I know this from experience.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@JoanTition I am so glad we got to hang out!

MrComment

@JoanTition Surprise him with it, perhaps in the shower when he has shampoo in his eyes.

JoanTition

@MrComment It'll slip right in. Soapy!

@josiah It was super awesome having everyone over!

antarcticastartshere

As a Married Lady I think I kind of need to stick up for A Dude's answer to #1? Because sex really is best when OMG this person is brand new and I haven't had sex is nine months OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! And that's just a fact. And, frankly, when you know that loving is a guaranteed thing today and tomorrow and the next day, it's really easy to get lazy about it. BUT I think this Dude is assuming that it's just a lil' boring and routine, and maybe skipped the "bored, resentful" comment. Because that is definitely worse than "baby I'm getting a little tired of doing it on my back with the lights out at 9:05pm every evening." So, definitely actually TALK ABOUT IT and actively try to do things to make it more interesting. And if he gets really defensive you can have a little fight and then have make-up sex.

But seriously, A Dude, missionary is definitely NOT where it's at.

tea tray in the sky.

@antarcticastartshere Yeah, I definitely agree with you that the answer wasn't so bad, but A Dude didn't read enough into the question. It was nice that he offered some reassurance that a dull-ish sex life isn't the end of the world, and that it isn't be be-all-end-all of a successful relationship. BUT it was obvious that there was more to it than that. You're right, she does need to be frank with him!

rocknrollunicorn

@antarcticastartshere In my experience, whether or not missionary is awesome completely depends on the way you fit together. It was amazing with my last dude, whose junk fit perfectly that way. It's not so great with current dude; we just really don't fit well that way. But seriously, it was definitely the superior position with last dude.

leonstj

Why doesn't the bored with sex lady have her husband find a swinger couple? I hear you can find completely non-threatening bald overweight men who should be a perfect fit online - Slate may know more about this one!

leonstj

@leon.saintjean Also, can I say - and I meant to make this comment on the Dear Prudie discussion, but work has been busy as hell - I don't appreciate that juicebox letter writer. As a bald, overweight man I have three things I can rely on: I'm an excellent cook. I can make women laugh. I can make an excellent cocktail.

Now, because this guy wanted to find a convenient excuse to let himself fool around with another lady, people are talkin' it up on the internet like all non-threatening, fat, bald men are rockin' a can of tennis balls in their gym shorts. I'm not insecure or anything, but this is ridiculous.

becky@twitter

@leon.saintjean who says bald, chubby dudes are non-threatening (other than juiceboxes)? some of us ladies prefer a man of stature. the heaviest guy i have ever been with had more romantic game and finesse than any other man i've been with.

L M
L M

@becky@twitter he was referring to the Dear Prudie letter-writer...

Megasus

@leon.saintjean I do secretly hope that Prudie LW's wife runs off with Mr. Big Penis.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@leon.saintjean: I know the ladies of the 'Pin know better, but sometimes I can't help but feel a little jaded that Cool Traits like those listed will only be appreciated once we are into our 50s. Maybe it's just Los Angeles that's made me cynical.

leonstj

@Too Much Internet - I didn't mean it as saying more ladies should sacrifice what they look for in loks to appreciate poor ol' me though, as much as I wish (for my own personal gain) looking like an action hero was less.....sexy. I. Think its cool in a way we've come far enough. That women are allowed to openly admit that yes, they do find some physical things apppealing, and id never begrudge any lady who wanted to date a super-goodlooking dude, whether he had those same skills as I do or not - a lot of 'em do!

Us guys less genetically gifted just have to step our game up and be even more charming is all. Who doesn't love a good challenge?

Guybrush

Not everyone is super into saying "I love you" all the time, it does not necessarily mean that they don't. Just sayin'

noodge

@Guybrush : yep. but based on the letter that was written, it sounds like that lady isn't compatible with such stoicism. compatibility trumps all - no judging on anyone's relationship techniques (however the guy in question will likely struggle to find ladies who are ok with him not expressing affection) - if you're not with someone who you can feel happy and comforted by, then you're with the wrong person.

and that's what makes us all unique snowflakes.

ETA: also, it sounds like the guy's "love language" is all but absent. if this is a guy who doesn't say "I love you" but makes really nice dinners, or makes sure she is ok at all times, or fluffs her pillows for her or WHATEVER, then great - knowing someone's love language is important, since we all say it in our unique ways (SNOWFLAKES) but it sounds like he's just kind of not doing much. not only does he not say "I love you" but now he's like "oh the gift thing, ennnh, do we have to?!?!" and then it's like WHAT ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR?!?! there is a difference between people who don't fill the air with superfluous "I Love you"s and people who are like my grandpa who brought home the bacon and THAT;S LOVE SHUT UP!

Guybrush

@teenie Yes, I agree that based on the letter, it does not seem like they're right for each other. I just felt I had to speak up for those among us who just feel like... I dunno, like you're trying to imitate a movie or something when you say that phrase.

Also, about the gifts, he might be developing anti-consumerism-hippie-tendencies, or he might just be short on cash.
/devil's advocate

thebestjasmine

@Guybrush All of those things could be true. It still means that she should break up for him. They don't make him an asshole, they just make him Wrong For Her.

Lily Rowan

@thebestjasmine Definitely Wrong For Her, but also in his defense, it's not that he doesn't say "I love you," it's that he never says it first, which, I don't know. I'm not a big sayer of "I love you," I don't think, so I could easily see myself always being the "I love you, too" person, and I don't think it's necessarily so bad! But of course, it would be up to my partner to decide how bad it actually is.

AmyB

Even though I think holidays are grossly overrated there is something to be said about getting and giving gifts. For the last 6 years my hubs and I had not exchanged gifts for xmas, vday, anniversarys or birthdays (other than the gift of raunchy holiday sex.....just me?). When I gave him a gift for his birthday this year he *glowed*.

roaringkitten

@AmyB agreed! i give gifts when i see something i know the recipient would really like, not because the calendar says i'm supposed to. i hate getting and giving gifts out of obligation. you know you are just going to throw that shit away, and so is the recipient.

Roaring Girl

@AmyB Raunchy holiday/birthday sex is usually my only request.

Judith Slutler

@AmyB Yes exactly. I don't usually get my boyfriend an expensive, big gift and he doesn't do that for me either, but we get each other nice stuff like books or craft supplies (side note, I feel so lucky to have found a man who shares my love for stationary and pens!). It's just to show you put some thought into things and care for the other person. I would miss it if we stopped giving gifts even though we usually spend, like, maybe $30 on each other.

ariandula

I kind of miss the Dudes from before. The ones who are funny and thoughtful, uplifting and empowering, while always trying to tell the truth. There was even one from several months ago that said he tried to treat every letter as if it was one of his best girl friends (not girlfriends) writing in. The Dudes lately don't seem to care as much :(

@ariandula The 'pin's going downhill. Less well-constructed, lenthy, informative, smart posts... more links, quick posts.

This dude, really? Sex might not be super important to you, but if some nice chick is willing to write into the Hairpin about how blah the sex is, it's obviously important to her. Maybe this is part of the "married dude" persona (married, moved to suburbs, settled, having boring sex), but maybe this question should be answered by a married dude who isn't okay with dull sex.

ariandula

@S. Elizabeth I was actually most off-put by his response to the second letter. Personally, I think the answer is pretty obvious for the woman (just let it go and be civil), but she obviously cared and/or was hurt enough to write in about it, which deserves a respectful answer.

melis

Yeah, the Hairpin was good before they signed with Capitol, but their third album totally sucks.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@ariandula: This batch of questions was not very inspiring or specific, in my opinion.

Emma Peel

@Too Much Internet I think it's interesting what different things people want out of advice columns. I lean toward the Prudie school of advice vs. overanalyzing. Dear Sugar isn't to my taste - I just want an answer to my question, not a long rumination about life! These answers were maybe somewhat mailed in, but but agreed, to the first and second, I think the bases were pretty well covered.

ariandula

@julieta I get what you're saying. I go to different columns depending on my mood. I love Prudie for snark and controversy. I like Sugar when I'm feeling introspective. I go to Ask A Dude when I want a humorous yet heartfelt response. I guess personally it hasn't been meeting my expectations lately, whether that's fair to say or not.

melis

Also - and this statement is 100% sarcasm-free - if you want to see more lengthy, informative, well-researched posts, write one! In my experience Edith is ridiculously receptive and responsive for someone with her job.

atipofthehat

@melis

That was back when the real Edith was still around.

ariandula

@atipofthehat lol.

HeyThatsMyBike

Lady #1 - I see two possibilities here. One is the "ruts happen" thing, which does not mean your relationship is falling apart. The advice above and Dude's advice are solid places to start.
Other possibility happened to me, so I am sharing. I suddenly lost all interest in sex with my boyfriend several months ago, and was super worried about what that meant. But I realized I had lost interest in ALL sex. It's not like I was getting all hot and bothered by Don Draper and then just wasn't interested in my boy. So I talked to my gyno. After years of it not really affecting me, it seems my birth control just totally shut down my sex drive. I was on a brand that did not allow for lot of testosterone production, and testosterone is obviously heavily related to sex drive. So I switched brands, and it got better, but not better enough. Then I decided I wanted to let my body clear out and control its own hormone production again for a while. So I went off it entirely and went back to the 'ol condom with spermicide with a dash of caution, and then extra caution during "high fertility" days (meaning if I freak out about it we don't have sex). Everything is much better now. So that's worth exploring if you're just feeling like a dead fish in general.

mustelid

@HeyThatsMyBike If it's a possibility for you, Paragard PARAGARD PARAGARD! Ovulation time is always the best sex for me, and I too get freaked out about it sometimes, so my search for hormone-free but super-reliable birth control led me to the Paragard copper IUD. It's like 99.9% effective, you only have to remember anything once a month (to check for the strings after your period to make sure you didn't expel it), and it lasts 12 years but can be removed at any time.

I hear it gets a bit pricey if your insurance doesn't cover it, but if you don't have insurance and are dirt poor you still might be able to get it for fairly cheap at Planned Parenthood -- mine was only $100 on the sliding scale when I showed them my pathetic paystub from slinging chickens at that Awful Medieval-Themed Dinner Theater Chain.

Megasus

@mustelid Man, I wish I could use those, but I used to have scary nightmare periods before I went on birth control, and I heard those can make nightmare periods even worse. Like, my entire uterus would probably just fall out.

HeyThatsMyBike

@mustelid Yes! I need to know more about an IUD. I am still in the body "righting itself" stage, but I definitely don't want to have to use condoms forever (that will cost a lot, too!). I think I'm a candidate for this (BC was causing other weird side effects, too, but that's another story for another day), but see those IUD ads on tv that tell me I might become infertile if something goes wrong, which is 100% NOT ok with me. Is that like one of those pharma company "This drug might make you think trees are people because one person out of the 20,000 we tested on had that happen but we're not sure if it was that or the LSD he/she may have been taking" things or is this a real concern?
I also plan to talk to my gyno about this option but hearing from IUD-having 'pinners is also something I want to do!

HeyThatsMyBike

@Megan Patterson@facebook My good friend that had scary nightmare periods got an IUD. No idea which kind, but she basically gets almost no period now. She has said it changed her life! And she is a real people doctor, so I trust her judgment!

Emma Peel

@HeyThatsMyBike That was probably a hormonal IUD (Mirena, not Paragard). I'm scared of copper IUDs because they apparently make your periods HEAVIER, and although I am not wild about being on hormones, their best side effect was making my "oh god I went through another tampon and I don't have extra pants with me shit" periods manageable.

Bebe

@Megan Patterson@facebook I have a Mirena and am practically a walking advertisement for it. It does include small amounts of hormones - I chose it because I'd been on BC for so long (for its original purpose and to help nightmare periods), and was afraid to go cold turkey on the hormones. Love it. Love, love, love it - and don't even get a period any more. Like, at all. For the first year, I spotted at random times of the month, but now - nada. It's awesome.

The only caveat you may want to consider is if you haven't had kids but want to some day, doctors don't like putting one in and then taking it out a year later. If you're not planning on them for 5 years (how long the IUD lasts) it might not be a problem.

noodge

@Bebe I disagree - again, I think that's just old schooley doctors? I told my doctor that I may want to get it out in a year, maybe less, maybe more, depending on how hard my biological clock starts to hammer on me. They said "NO PROBLEMO! just let us know when, and we'll pull it out!!" The facility I went to (part of a major university hospital) was stellar about the whole thing, and they were really proactive and awesome.

beeline96

@julieta I had light periods before my Paragard and I have pretty normal periods with my Paragard. (I'm talking "light flow" tampons, here! Not even medium-to-heavy tampons.) That being said, sometimes it does FEEL like my uterus is committing mutiny with cramps, but that's how I know the IUD is still up there (or so I hope). I was not told to check it every month but my gyno can check at my yearly appointment. Personally it's worth it to me to have cramps; I'll take visceral pain over hormone-induced emotional pain any day.

thebestjasmine

@teenie A friend's doctor just told her that she couldn't get an IUD a few weeks ago! Youngish/female doctor (though in a small town in Texas, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it). So then she had to go to PP to get it done.

I like this IUD digression, because I've been thinking about getting one.

Xanthophyllippa

@Megan Patterson@facebook: The Best Time My Internal Organ Fell Out?

theharpoon

@Xanthophyllippa It was her only one, too. So sad.

sarah girl

@HeyThatsMyBike From what I understand, the infertility concerns with the IUD are if STDs get in the mix. The literature is very firm about ensuring that you use a condom with new partners, and not going without until you've both been tested.

There was controversy a couple of decades ago about one particular brand of IUD that did cause some serious infections/infertility/etc. with women, but that brand has long been off the market and it sounds like the pharmaceutical companies have learned some hard lessons from it.

HeyThatsMyBike

@Sarah H. Thanks Sarah - EXTREMELY helpful.

mustelid

@HeyThatsMyBike A friend of mine who tried to get it done at a private practice was told she couldn't get one. Apparently some docs don't want to insert it for women who've never had children because there's a higher chance of expulsion. The thing is, it's not even that much higher of a chance, and uh, it's just a chance. I mean, women who have had children can expel them too. But I think they maybe don't want to deal with the headache of someone paying a lot of money for something and being pissed if it doesn't work out.

I've actually had TWO put in... my own fault. I use a DivaCup and while the literature varies, the doc at PP told me I could still use a DivaCup, but not an Instead (since that rests right under your cervix). So I was on my period and taking my cup out in the shower and a bottle of shampoo fell on my arm right as I gripped so I YANKED it out and it caught on the string of the IUD. It looked like a scene from a horror movie, me laying in the shower surrounded by blood and a tiny piece of metal, sobbing. BUT while yeah, it hurt a little bit, I was mostly sobbing because I was going to have to spend another $100 or maybe even more since I wasn't broke anymore to get another one inserted.

Yes ladies, that is how much I love my IUD. After I accidentally tore it from my uterus, there was pretty much no question that I would have to get another one.

So they checked me out and I was fine and they inserted another one and I don't take my DivaCup out in the shower anymore.

Re: cramps and periods, yeah. It made my period heavier, longer, and crampier. I mean, I think it did. It could also be that this is just what my period is like when I'm not taking hormones. But for me, it's totally worth it.

I also don't really care if I become sterile because I'm pretty certain I don't want kids, but I also think that the IUD/sterility connection was more an issue with the old IUDs as was mentioned upthread. I believe they're as safe and effective as the pill these days.

the.cat

@HeyThatsMyBike Yeeeeah Paragard! Best thing! I got one... 4 years ago? I had a couple of really heavy periods after that but then things balanced back to normal. Maybe a little crampier than normal, but totally reasonable in the scheme of things. But it is lovely because I 1) am not good with schedules (i.e. taking things at the same time) and 2) wasn't thrilled about the hormonal effects of other BC, especially over lots of years. When I got it in my doctor said that the sterility concerns were more with the old versions but that it's not an issue now.

itsasatchel

Something is so off-putting about dudes insisting, on behalf of all dudekind, that their gender is just so Rational, you wouldn't understand. And you can't come into Sarastro's temple because you'll want flowers on your anniversary and smear tears and mascara everywhere. I know this dude is not doing quite that? But close, argh, very close.

Cherryblossomgirl

@itsasatchel Yep. See also: every advice column since Mesopotamia where dudes write "oh, you have to understand that men are just simple." I've known so many flowery, purple prosaic men in my life - ladies who don't care about anniversaries as well.

theharpoon

@Cherryblossomgirl Lady who doesn't care about anniversaries, right here.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@theharpoon You have no idea how relieved this makes me! Because, despite my natural tendencies, I... I kind of forgot when I decided our relationship began...

Mrs. Brown's Lovely Daughter

@Something unexpected surprise Oh man you are not alone! I'm terrible with remembering dates and things. This has been a cause for contention in past relationships where the dude was totally into marking such milestones. "Oh, we kissed to this? Um.. ok I believe you. No, really! I totally love this song too!"

I feel like I need to introduce LW#3 to my ex. On one Valentine's Day he made these notes that he hid/placed everywhere (ie: in the bathroom cabinet, my dresser drawers, tucked under my windshield wipers... laying on top of my blanket when I woke up, etc.) saying things like what he loved about me and such. Personally, I was overwhelmed and a little annoyed.. and I felt absolutely horrible about feeling that way. I was like, there are SO many women out there who would eat this shit up, and here I am hating it. Then I realized that it was ok for me to not want those things, and that he would be happier with someone who really enjoyed it.. so that was part of why we ended up breaking up. True story.

theharpoon

@Something unexpected surprise Oh that doesn't apply to you. You, I am pissed at. PISSED.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@theharpoon Oh. Right. That...

What are you going to do about it?

theharpoon

@Something unexpected surprise We're going to have a fight! Actually, we're in a fight right now. Just so you know.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@theharpoon Oh, ok. Um... why does it always have to be about you all the time?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@theharpoon Hi! I'm working on my schedule for the week right now and it would really help if I had some indication you were committed to actually, you know, fighting. Don't get me wrong! I truly value our interactions, but there's a lot of stuff on my plate right now. So if you could let me know if this is still on, like tout de suite, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

karion

As to #1 - when the sex is great in a relationship, it makes up about 10% of your relationship.

When the sex is bad/non-existent, it seems like 99% of your problems.

I really don't know exactly what that means, either, but damn, it is true.

wee_ramekin

@karion Strum my pain with your fingers, why don't you? Go ahead, sing my life with your words. Kill me softly with your song, Karion, kill me softly.

beeline96

@karion I got 99 problems but sex ain't one. Literally, because I'm not having it. :(

CheeseLouise

What does this mean, the part in the first answer about four year lulls and little girls being scared of the night? What did I miss?

wee_ramekin

@CheeseLouise It means that A Married Dude and his wife had a four-year sex lull because their four year-old daughter was scared of the dark and would come sleep in their bed with some frequency.

HeyThatsMyBike

@wee_ramekin Thank You. As another kidless person I totally did not pick this up and thought he was making some bizarre comment about his wife being afraid of the dark and also a child?!

bitzyboozer

@CheeseLouise It means he didn't have much (or very good) sex with his wife for four years because their child was afraid of the dark, I assume. Seems to me that this dude isn't too interested in the idea of actually giving advice.

CheeseLouise

@bitzyboozer Thanks everyone. I'm so glad it wasn't an obscure reference to another Hairpin article. I didn't want to lose my "Reads every post and every comment" merit badge.

velcrosneakers

What do you do with a foam wedge? Someone wants to know but doesn't want to Google. Not me.

becky@twitter

@velcrosneakers use it to change up the angle of penetration, aka instead of a throw pillow under someone's arse.

atipofthehat

@becky@twitter

In Texas it's called an assjack.

HelloTitty

@velcrosneakers Someone, not me, says the wedge lifts the hips for better thrusting.

Megan@twitter

LW#3: He will never make an effort. He will never love you as much as you need. He will never change.

He will be noncommittal, silent, uncommunicative and un-forthcoming for a while more, while it's comfortable. You will continue to be unhappy.

He will suddenly grow a spine one day and decide that his life has to change. He will break up with you. You will not see it coming. You will be emotionally devastated for months.

Three years will pass. You will become a completely different person, a stronger and more confident person. You will have moved to a bigger city, found yourself, forgotten about him.

He will date someone else, until one day that girl will treat him like he treated you. He will suddenly email you to apologize and try to crawl back. But it will be too late.

The next thing you know, nearly ten years have passed and you can think back on that relationship fondly. You were a different person and you learned so much. And you will be all the better for it.

Um...not that I know or anything. Sympathies, dear.

Cherryblossomgirl

Sex does not an entire relationship make, but I can tell you that the resentment often festers (ew, festers). Talk to him, lady. It might be a sucky conversation, but I assume you two know each other well enough and trust each other enough to have it?

tea tray in the sky.

@Cherryblossomgirl (Can I get you some ointment for your weeping festers?)

dracula's ghost

Another married lady sticking up for answer #1. He's not saying "everyone must be satisfied with routine sex even if that's not satisfying to them," he's saying that routine sex isn't AUTOMATICALLY bad/wrong/evidence that your relationship is dying. The letter writer asked him if waxing/waning is NORMAL, and he said YES. She didn't JUST want to know how to buy butt plugs or whatever, she wants to know IF IT'S OKAY that sometimes she's bored by sex with her dude. And I really really think it's important for us all to accept that sometimes yes, this IS okay. In this era of sexual actualization when everyone is supposed to own twelve vibrators and be having mind-blowing sex at all times, and when we are bombarded by all the titillating yet frankly intimidating SavageLove podcasts about, like, somebody whose fourth boyfriend's primary girlfriend doesn't like her (the caller's) primary wife's pubic hair's shape and this makes it awkward for when they all dress up like Pirates of the Carribean and flog each other to orgasm, I think it is valuable for those of us in somewhat staid, somewhat routine, but wonderful/supportive/hilarious/fun/often but not always sexy relationships to hear that there are in fact happily married people for whom constantly having the most ultimate mind-blowing orgasms of all time is no longer the #1 priority/need in a relationship that it perhaps was in the beginning. And that this is okay and doesn't mean you need to get a divorce, necessarily, although it could, lets be honest.

Titania

@dracula's ghost Yeah, of course it's okay sometimes. But I'd say it's probably more okay if you're already married, which the letter writer isn't. I'm not married either, so I don't really know, but I don't think boring sex is a *positive* sign that you should be marrying someone you're with, even if it's not necessarily a negative. And she didn't really say they were in a lull--it seemed like more of a slow decline to me, which is an entirely different problem.

dracula's ghost

@Titania Well those are good points. But even a slow permanent decline seems okay to me, or like it COULD be okay, for some people, given certain circumstances. I mean, if we are talking about being together for, what, thirty years? Forty years?? Is it REALLY realistic for us to have this belief that we should continue having awesome toe-curling sex with that one person for that long? I know that some couples apparently do, but I really really can't imagine that this is the general norm. So even like 5 years in, 8 years in, I think it's ok to just accept that MOST OF US are never going to get back that feeling of getting your dude's pants off for the very first time. And that sex can become something different--nice, comforting, intimate, but maybe not as often "mind blowing"--and maybe you miss the old days but it's kind of akin to missing the way your body looked when you were 19 and running cross-country...it's never coming back, and that's just part of life, it's not something to fight crazily against and feel like a "failure" if you can't attain.

But in this case you could be right--slow decline coupled with not being together all that long coupled with her "angry and resentful" comments, I agree, paint a somewhat bleaker picture. But generally I just want to stick up for the idea that having the best sex of your life might not necessarily need to remain a #1 priority during the long-haul of an actual life together. I just feel like that's something that doesn't get said that often...and maybe is a relief, for some people, to hear?

Emma Peel

@Titania Do you think that changes after you've already been together a basically-married amount of time, though? I mean, I'm going to guess that most couples who've been dating six years probably are married -- UNLESS they met super-young like these guys did.

Emma Peel

Question #3, you sound very young, and I'm sorry because I know that sounds condescending and anxiety-inducing relationships are anxiety-inducing whether you're 18 or 38 or 88! (I assume. Although I hope there aren't 88-year-old ladies out there worrying like this, yikes.) Anyway, everything from the longest relationship ever being an "exciting milestone," to wanting to "live on his own and meet different people"... are you still in college? Because this sounds like a relationship headed for a breakup around graduation. And that sounds like a lot of serious problems/discussions for a relationship that's not even two years old, especially if you're that young. My best friend's mom gave me great advice in a similar situation: It's not supposed to be this hard this early. The hard stuff is supposed to come later.

And even if that's all BS and you're insulted/pleased/whatever that I think you're 21 (I'm sorry!), he may be completely in love with you but you two have very different ways of expressing it. Some people are present and holiday and milestone people, and some aren't; some say "I love you" all the time and some don't. Can you live with this forever? Who knows! People are always different from each other. If you decide you can't, take the initiative, break up with him.

dracula's ghost

@julieta Great advice.

I have been thinking a lot about how seriously I took relationships when I was 18-22 or whatever, and I wish so much that I could go back in time and take them not seriously. I thought at age 21 that I was supposed to be being in "real relationships" where we talked about commitment and how often to say 'I love you' (quantifying it now automatically seems like a hallmark of youth to me!), and worked super hard to stay together for months/years even after we were both clearly bored of it. Looking back, these were really random dudes. Not much in common, not wanting the same things out of life, etc. But it was like, if I wanted to fuck somebody I needed to make sure we were in love and saying 'i love you' the exact same number of times each day etc. So much time spent agonizing, yelling, crying. It took SO LONG to realize that I just wasn't ready to be fucking married yet--I should have just been dating and having fun, but instead I tried to be serious-adult-married to every single boy I kissed. And I think you tragically can't learn this, if you are this personality type, until much later in life when you look back and are sorrowful about all the dudes you could have been frenching that whole time instead of sobbing on the phone about how your "partner" (LOL! IN COLLEGE!) stayed up all night in the computer lab playing Doom with his friends when he was supposed to come to your dorm and read quietly in bed together (THAT IS A TRUE STORY)

I AM YOUR FUTURE GHOST, LW#3

Emma Peel

@dracula's ghost Yeah, I was the same way. First boyfriend and I were so totally in looooove and him losing interest in the relationship went just like this (starting complaining about how much we said "I love you," wanted to "be single," and hey we broke up right around our 2-year anniversary!). But we'd sworn (at 18) we'd get married! It was supposed to be hard! No. It can be work. Even when you're young, even in the first 2 years. But the work should be rewarding.

dracula's ghost

@julieta I know!!! When I was 18 I decided to stay together long-distance with my high school boyfriend, even though every single person in the world told me this was stupid and wouldn't work and I'd regret it. And I remember LITERALLY thinking, "yeah, but there has never been a love like this before on earth, so they just don't understand." I just wanted things to be romantic and passionate and I thought that meant ultra-long-term-monogamy and screaming/sobbing fights and it took probably 10 years to kind of realize that was exhausting. Poor high school boyfriend! I am sorry. Also I am sorry to everyone I knew between the years 1997 and roughly 2005

QuiteAmiable

@dracula's ghost It's kind of scary how you just reconstructed my college romance/love story. We must be related.

queenieliz

Words don't lose their meaning by being used! That's a cop-out.

melis

Well, kind of. If you say it a bunch right away it sort of doesn't sound like anything. Like meaning. Meaning. Meaning. Meaning. Me-anning. Meeeening. Meeeeuuuuawwwnhung.

tea tray in the sky.

@melis You're one of my favourite commenters. Don't go away.

melis

@Twinkle Little Bat I'll never leave any of you, my cherubs.

inbed

RE: question 1: There's some research showing that having sex with your mate can set off a chain of neurochemicals that make you restless, wanting to move on to someone new, and a whole bunch of other monogamy-unfriendly emotions.
See also: 'Our Genes Are Heartless Puppeteers' at http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com/2011/05/our-genes-can-be-heartless-puppeteers.html

wee_ramekin

@inbed UNSUBSCRIBE

E
E

Lady 1, there's a book called, Mating in Captivity, that talks a lot about reasonably spicing up things that I think maybe you might like for practical research purposes. Also "bored, resentful" suggests to me that you aren't having enough talky talk about sex; you want him to read your mind, or maybe when you are mad at each other about annoying things you each do, you don't want to do it. I think a lot of people believe that hot sex means never having to ASK, just being totally destroyed by fabulous intuition about what you like, when really there's a lot you can do to change it up, and a big part of change can be attitude. You have to make time for sex, and mental space for it too. Lulls certainly do happen, but it's also about where your head is- like excercise- do you have your gym bag packed and ready and a class you signed up for? Or do you just think about going to the gym and decide since the socks aren't clean to skip it? If you go home and think, "ugh too full for sex. Too tired, too cranky" then you certainly will be. Spend a day or two thinking up a reasonable scenario you would like to try, and then try it. Like, come on to him on the couch during tv time and say, "no let's stay right here". Etc.

Lady 2. The whole back and forth waffling stuff is classic 20/30something behavior. Just ignore him, be politeish and teach him that he can't keep changing his mind, by not running back to him if he ever comes on to you again.

Lady 3. I had a college boyfriend who did nothing for my birthday one year and it killed me. I thought I loved him very much, he thought he loved me very much, but we were so unhappy that we broke up anyway and we went off and found new partners and with the new partners it was like in the wizard of oz when suddenly everything is in color. He's married now and I think they're happy. I'm with someone and I'm really happy. You remind me of then; unhappy, but thinking that that was just what love was, it was all about getting accustomed to being hurt. Don't limit yourself. A good relationship isn't like that- a good relationship will make you more yourself, not less. Be nice to yourself.

Megoon

Oh LW #3... dump this guy. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but he is not for you. I have been in the same relationship with the same complaints, and you do not need to go through life feeling like you're the stupid one for wanting displays of affection. You deserve a present once in a while. And you are COMPLETELY in your rights, btw, to say, "it bothers me that you never say I love you. You holding it in doesn't make it more meaningful when you actually say it - it just calls attention to how little affection you show." Also, you can disagree. If he says he doesn't want to do presents and you do - say so! But mostly, find someone who treats you in a way that makes you happy.

gfrancie

@Megoon I agree. The guy might be a decent human being but it seems like that he isn't ready for "all of that" in terms of a mature relationship. Which is okay, everyone has their own path/timeline.

Kneetoe

#1--One word: Swinging.

linlijun123

--Something unexpected surprise--

Hello. My friend

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linlijun123

--Something unexpected surprise--

Hello. My friend

http://www.jordansforking.com/

Dedi cated service, the new style, believing you will love it!!!

WE ACCEPT PYA PAL PAY MENT

YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!

thank you!

linlijun123

--Something unexpected surprise--

Hello. My friend

http://www.jordansforking.com/

Dedi cated service, the new style, believing you will love it!!!

WE ACCEPT PYA PAL PAY MENT

YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!

thank you!

Xanthophyllippa

@linlijun123 Perhaps LW1 will be interested in your "something unexpected surprise."

suddenvalley

Oh, LW3, I think you are dating my ex-boyfriend. Run away. Run far, far away.

Snood Mood

I'm surprised that this Dude is willing to cut off the friendship of LW 2 so quickly, but Won't Commit, Won't Celebrate an Anniversary, Won't say I Love You boyfriend gets such a pass. LW 3, I agree with pretty much everyone else here. Your boyfriend isn't a bad guy, but he's told you straight up he wants to experience more of life. You shouldn't have to reason him out of breaking up with you, all that did was weaken his resolve and make him take the path of least resistance, which was to stay with you. It'll hurt, but you will be so much happier alone than begging for scraps from the guy you're with. You deserve better. Trust.

Judith Slutler

@Snood Mood "You shouldn't have to reason him out of breaking up with you"... so much this.

To this day I am so thankful to one of my exes that he DID NOT let me reason him out of breaking up with him - good bye and good riddance.

LW, cut him loose. Love yourself. Better things are in your future!

Snood Mood

@Emmanuelle Cunt When I was much younger I talked a guy out of breaking up with me, and it's one of the worst mistakes I have ever made, romantically. He was right, we weren't compatible but I tried to make myself into who I thought he wanted. We argued all the time, he was moody, withdrawn, etc. Ugh. It was hellish and it could have ended much cleaner, much sooner.

Melusina

LW3: Your boyfriend is not ready for a serious relationship. This is textbook. He will probably wait for you to break up with him, though, if he is anything like similar cases I have seen. One day he will finally be ready, and whoever he meets after that propitious moment will probably be The One. But it's not going to be you.

Judith Slutler

OK, I too am having some issues with some of these answers, except number 2. Number 2 is awesome and accurate.

Earth to A Married Dude, "I find myself getting bored, resentful and generally losing interest" is not a sentence that comes up when a woman has been listening to the Savage Love Podcast too much and thinking "why isn't my sex life a kinky fuckfest, I feel inadequate!" It's an actual problem. Also I'm not trying to be judgy but if my partner asked me "Why can't we do x every time?" I think my clitoris would detach itself from my crotch and run away forever in horror. Just sayin. Also what's with the reflexive fear of anal play? Dude.

Anyway, my advice to LW#1 is to tell her boyfriend she misses having crazy monkey sex with him. Get tipsy together and talk about the wildest sexual experiences you ever had, and the stuff you always wanted to try. Start setting up actual "date nights" and taking time for your sex life. And, this is key, when things get better you need to give a lot of positive feedback.

Also, LW#3 needs to dump that guy post-haste. She shouldn't have to wonder whether or not he actually loves her. Withholding stuff like "I love you" and gifts (Not even just something small? Come on!) is obviously not her style, why should she put up with it? There's someone better out there for each half of this couple. In fact being single sounds preferable to their relaysh.

cosmia

In agreement with everyone who thinks LW3 needs to break up with this guy. Her situation sounds eerily like my life a year ago, and that shit did NOT end well.

mackymoo

To LW1 - start smoking weed. Doing it with my boyfriend of 2+ years after smoking is like doing it with someone new every time. I'm not so into the stoner lifestyle, but a few hits beforehand and suddenly sex is the Best Thing Ever. I mean obviously you should do the things that everyone else has said (talk to him) but just thought I'd throw out a suggestion that no one else had yet.

@mackymoo An excellent suggestion, also shrooms.

lucystrawberry

Sex is only overrated as a crucial part of a relationship if neither partner minds having sex not be a focus.

If one partner is unhappy, it is a much bigger deal.

I am in a relationship of 7 years and we don't have much sex and except for the first year of our relationship, we never have. I'm not very sexual. He has the moodiest penis I've ever met (has to be the right time of day, have to have eaten or not eaten, his general level of cleanliness is a factor for him, etc. Very finicky penis) and so between the two of us, we have sex on average once a month.

And so? I'm madly in love with him. We got married in January. We are very affectionate. He is my best friend as well as my husband. We're happy.

But if I or he wanted a lot of sex and the other one didn't....

that would be a problem.

gidgetjones

I told my boyf once that I specifically say "I love you" when he says it first, and not "I love you, too." Because I want him to know that if he beats me to the punch (he does tend to go first with the ILYs) I mean it just as much as him, and I mean it just as much (if not more) as the last time I said it.
tl; dr: compatibility. LW#3, I hope you find it with another, awesomer dude.

MissT123

"Boink wonks." *Snrk!*

acidquest

With the exception of the 2nd advice letter, I think this dude's advice is a bit nuts! Especially poor advice for poor girl #3! Leave that dude! If a guy is too scared/paranoid to say "I love you" or do simple nice things, leave him. He sounds fucking stupid anyways.

BScottie

@linlijun123

Um...do you accept PayPal?

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Kensington square is a new and upcoming condominium located in the Bartley area, right next to Bartley MRT. Kensington Square singapore

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