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Monday, August 29, 2011

357

Amusingly Horrible Things Moms Have Said: The Bracket

Moms say amazing things, so we asked a bunch of Hairpin pals to anonymously pass along their moms' best, and we made it into a tournament. An impartial judge picked the "winners."

1. [I baked crappy-looking brownies for the sixth-grade bake sale, and no one bought them, so I came home crying. My mom gave me shots of Baileys, and told me:] "I will always be here with shots when your first boyfriend breaks up with you and when you don't get into the college you want to go to."

2. "Don't touch me!" ["Oh. Why?"] "Because it doesn't feel good."

3. "It's such a shame that in this age of disease and danger you'll never be able to enjoy purely casual sex in the way I did."

4. "Don't ever have sex."

5. "I told [my boyfriend] I was too old to have children, but he said we could just use your eggs..." [She looks at me curiously]

6. "Some girls' hair just doesn't grow past their chins, that's just how it is."

7. "What clique do you think you're in at school? I think people think you're a gothic slut."

8. "There's a pretty girl underneath there somewhere."

9. [I was three and my grandfather had just died of cancer, so I was asking lots of questions to try to understand, so my mom finally said:]  "If you think about cancer too much, you'll get it!"

10. "Not shaving your legs makes you look like a dyke. And the fact that you don't wear a bra makes people think you're easy."

11. "Maybe if you wore makeup, you'd be a little more popular."

12. "Adios, amigos!" ["What does 'amigos' mean?"] "Amigos was a famous Spanish painter."

13. "If you want, I'll pay for you to get a nose job."

14. "I never used to get angry before you were born."

15. [At my 30th birthday party, after a bottle-plus of wine] "My girl is too immature to have kids."

16. "Your legs look fat. Do you need that snack?"

17. "I mean if Jake [the dog] died it would be like ... like if [daughter's name] died."

18. "Thinking about it, you probably shouldn't have had a baby."

19. "One thing you could try is not sleeping with everyone."

20. [At age seven, I asked her every day for a year: "Mom, am I cool?"] "No."

21. "I just wanted you to know that if you call the house and a man answers the phone to not be surprised because it's my husband." [Husband = a man she met over the internet and met once in person, then married, then divorced]

22. "Well, I guess you peaked early." [Re: second grade report card, in earnest]

23. "The tampon goes ... in here [plies deeply, points upward at crotch]."

24. "Just get them done and stop complaining. Breast lifts are cheap now. What, it'll be $3,000 or something? You have savings."

25. "No one is going to want to spend time with you if you keep crying."

26. [While paying at the cash register in a store] "You went on a date last night?! Did you [dramatically leans over and whispers 'sleep with him' in my ear as if the cashier can't figure out what she's talking about]?!"

27. "Do you want these [ben wah balls]? My therapist gave them to me but I didn't like the way they felt."

28. "Since I don't really like or care about sex, it's hard for me to understand you."

29. [When I was seven:] "Your belly is too big for a two-piece."

30. "I guess you wear shirts that show your belly because you want old men to touch it?"

31. ["What's a 'blow job'?"] "That's when a woman leans over, blows in a man's ear, and looks deep into his eyes, and he really likes it."

32. "It's not that I don't like you, it's that I don't like taking care of children."

Next: Amusingly Horrible Things Daughters/Significant Others Have Said: The Bracket[s]. Please submit!

357 Comments / Post A Comment

DianaPrince

I LOLed at Amigos, the Spanish Painter. And then at the seven-year-old whose mom told her she was definitely still not cool every day. My mom told me I wasn't a cool kid recently, in front of my sister and a bunch of aunts, but I'm almost 25 now so it was okay.... mostly.

sorry your heinous

@xx-xx-xx When I was little and first started playing soccer, I would, apparently, sit and pick out dandelions and chase bugs instead of playing defense. My mom likes making sure anyone that thinks I'm cool knows this story. [I got better...eventually]

whereismyrobot

@sorry your heinous I would play keeper. There was always a ref near each goal. I would hug him.

sceps yarx

@xx-xx-xx When my husband was a kid, everyone on his t-ball team got an award at the end of the season, like "best shortstop" or "most team spirit". The award he got was labeled "cloudgazer"!

Tammy Pajamas

@sorry your heinous I did cartwheels on the field. And I played striker.

Serafina

@sorry your heinous That's the most fun way to play soccer. I used to make dandelion wreaths and give them to the refs.

M'fly

@sceps yarx That reminds me of in grade 3 when we had "awards night" and I won the newly created "most tardy" award.

wee_ramekin

Awww, I love Mom # 31. I am so going to do that the next time someone wants a blow job. I am going to look SO DEEPLY into his eyes. He's going to love it SO MUCH.

Okay, and all these other moms are terrible. No wonder we've all got so many neuroses here in 'Pinland.

MoonBat

@wee_ramekin Practice safe blowing, though. Hold a dental dam over his ear.

BoozinSusan

@wee_ramekin All you ever need to know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZItsbLzc73s

parallel-lines

Oooh, oooh, I can play this game!

"I know you keep telling me you're not a lesbian, but at your age you should really consider it. Trying to be straight really isn't working out for you."

(After picking me up from my dorms after my freshman year) "Your grandfather and I put bets on how long it'd take you to flunk out of college. Remind me to give him that $50 at lunch today."

"You have a potato nose. That's from your dad's side."

kayjay

@parallel-lines What the ever-loving fuck is a potato nose???? And before you even answer, I feel positive that you don't have one.

leonstj

@parallel-lines Haha my mother, about once a year, has a conversation with me about why I never bring home any girls. (The truth is, I'm pretty much never in a relationship because [four million words]).

And then, inevitably.

"You know, if you're gay you can tell me."
I know, but I'm not.
"Well if you were, I'd be okay with it."
I'm sure you would.
"I wouldn't hide it from my friends or anything either, I'd demand they accept it too."
Mom, I'm not gay, and I don't think I'd care what your friends thought even if I was.
"Are you sure?"
Maybe I just like dating trashy girls, and that's why I never bring them home. Maybe I only hook up with women but never call them back. Have you considered that?
"I don't think that either one of those things are happening. I won't bug you about it, but, you know. Let me know if you are. I even know of adoption agencies that help gay couples!"

parallel-lines

@kayjay A big, lumpy nose - and no, it's more of a summer squash than a yukon gold.

wee_ramekin

@leon.saintjean Awwwwwwwwwww. I feel like you need your own tournament bracket for all the adorably awesome things your mom has no doubt said over your lifetime. From this and other threads, she seems like A Cool Lady.

schadenfraulein

@kayjay I feel like the guy who plays Jim on "The Office" has a potato nose.

wee_ramekin

@schadenfraulein AND I AM SO INTO JOHN KRASINKSI THAT IT MAKES ME FORGET HOW TO TURN OFF THE CAPSLOCK KEY.

So if that's a "potato nose", bring it on.

kayjay

@wee_ramekin Indeed. I'm not really sure there's a problem here.

Emma K@twitter

@wee_ramekin Just replying to affirm that Jim Halpert is hot and I dig his potato nose.

leonstj

@wee_ramekin The last thing I need is to give my mother a chance of finding me via laying out too many quotes about our business. Especially in the place where I ask insane questions about things that are obvious to ladies. Like, I definitely have a new bra-wearing related question which will need to be asked of the ladies soon, because sometimes I am out w/ a group that includes multiple lady-friends and they say things to each other, and I am very ??????

ironhoneybee

@leon.saintjean Aaaand now you have to ask it. Here. Right now.

thebestjasmine

@leon.saintjean Yes, please, ask it here and now.

leonstj

@ironhoneybee So, there was a discussion about nude beaches, and whether or not people would participate - pretty much just me, a couple I'm super close friends with, and a chick they're super close friends with. I wasn't really participating in the conversation for whatever reasons (there were lots of single girls at the bar).

One of the girls say she frequently just hangs out naked at home. Another, who is very petite but large-chested (is there a way to say that without sounding like either a perv or an oldperson) says "Oh, I always wear a bra, even just around the house - I'm so worried about sagging one day."

And I was just like...?!?!?!?. I guess, having seen some big boobs in my life which were saggy and some which were not, and having seen that ladies who were older and naked generally had a little more sag than those that did not it was just like, a thing about you, and it simply changed over time. I did not realize this was a concern? Is that an actual thing that makes you have to wear a thing some people hate wearing? I mean, I'm aware of a bunch of other reasons, but I was just like, "Jesus, how do women even keep track of ALL OF THESE DIFFERENT FACTORS CONSTANTLY" when thinking about clothes - like, as a dude, all I have to do is make sure (a)my clothes are clean and that (b) all items chosen come out of either the family of stuff that matches brown or the family of stuff that matches grey.

leonstj

@leon.saintjean I mean, the question is really just "OMG that is a thing too? You have to say to yourself 'Oh, I have these fantastic breasts, but if I leave them uncovered for more than 20 minutes a day I WILL RUIN THEM'"? and then mostly the how on earth do you keep track of all the factors thing.

thebestjasmine

@leon.saintjean Yes, this is totally a thing that some women worry and obsess about. [lots of words written and deleted that would say too much about my own boobs] Plenty of women don't, but lots do. Especially because there is a lot of stuff that gets thrown at us in the media about how saggy boobs suck and perky boobs are better (see, e.g. that picture that was on the breast reduction Hairpin post).

Sydney C

@leon.saintjean We don't HAVE to keep track of all of them, but society sure as hell tries to convince us we do.

Snood Mood

@leon.saintjean Yup, it's a thing. It's less about being uncovered, and more about being unsupported. The bra is taking strain off of the connective tissue that holds them up; connective tissue that gets stretched out over time .

kylie

@Snood Mood Actually studies have indicated that not wearing a bra is better for preventing sagging. Apparently the breast tissue atrophies after awhile because it doesn't get to do its thing.

leonstj

@kylie - Now all I need to do is figure out a way to get this information to the woman who said it without seeming like a total perv (note: there is no way, no matter how much it would be appreciated both by her and my super-close male friend who has been dating her for a bajillion years - and also because if i know one thing, it is that, unless it is a SERIOUS SERIOUS medical issue, a man probably should never have any opinion ever on womens health best practices)

Hot Doom

@schadenfraulein Definitely a potato nose.

winchesterwolcott

@kylie What is it's thing? I'm confused?

MissT123

@kylie Oh my God, so we're supposed to exercise our boobs now? Goddammit.

Xanthophyllippa

@kylie I've seen the same sort of research on why women shouldn't wear Spanx or girdles.

D.@twitter

@leon.saintjean I would never wear bras, except like one of the moms said, people get all sorts of IDEAS about you. That said, in the winter when I can wear hoodies and thick sweaters, I go secretly bralass all the time.

Judith Slutler

@kylie Yup, my mom never wears bras, just camis, and whenever she goes in for a breast cancer check the nurses are like, "damn, those are FIRM for a woman your age!"

I am following in her footsteps, even if it does cause a little bounciness while I am on my bike on cobblestone streets.

Bebe

@Emmanuelle Cunt OK, this is a very personal question, but - doesn't that hurt? A little bouncing is fine, but too much and I'm like - OW.

randummy

@leon.saintjean
eh, I have an opinion on circumcision. No, actually, I don't. I don't know what to think??

But on the boob front (ha ha), whether bras help or hurt the sagging issue, it's actually uncomfortable to *not* wear a bra (for me) which totally hugely sucks and is annoying of nature, because naked is awesome.

AND on the question: Is that a thing (about beauty) that women worry about? The answer is always: YES

How do we keep track of it? We manage. It takes up a lot of brain real estate, though. The smarter/luckier/cooler among us remind us that there are way more interesting things to think about. How did I get here? What am I? What is cold nuclear fusion? Why are people so strange? How can I get that drum roll just right (do I think about it, or not think about it? Think, but not overthink)?

Craftastrophies

@randummy I, too, feel uncomfortable without a bra. But here's the thing. I think it might be possible to adapt.

I'm... probably an E cup at the moment? I've been bigger and smaller. I thought I couldn't do not-underwire bras, because they felt uncomfortable. Then I bought one by accident and it turns out, I can. They feel DIFFERENT, and I have sensory issues so it took me a while to get used to it, but actually they're ok. I think possibly I could adapt to not wearing a bra all the time, too. Because naked = the best. The only bit about naked that is NOT the best is the sensation of sweaty underboob lying on my chest. Maybe I could tuck tissues up there or something?

wee_ramekin

Also, best Tournament Idea Ever.

pixieg

@wee_ramekin Okay thank you for making me realise what the brackets were all about. I still feel stupid but at least now I know why.

punkahontas

@pixieg At one of my old jobs, the COO asked me to make a big bracket for something, and I had to ask him to explain it and then also google it. haha. Sports or something!

kayjay

Awesome idea. Here are couple from my mother, just for grins and shits: "Can I borrow your jeans? I feel fat today."

And who can forget: "I'd rather you marry a nice black man than a white one who hits you."

GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE.

thebestjasmine

@kayjay My mom told me recently that she would be JUST FINE if I brought home a white man, and that she would be JUST FINE if I had half white babies. Not that I ever thought she wouldn't be fine with it, but I think she wanted to clarify, because maybe she thought that that's why I was not yet married or with child.

Oh, and then after that, she told me that she didn't care if I had a husband, but I needed to have a baby. Because husbands don't matter anyway.

kayjay

@thebestjasmine Hm. Because of that last part, I am interested in subscribing to your mother's newsletter.

SuperGogo

@kayjay My mother has informed me that she thinks black babies are cuter than white ones. If that was a hint, she needs to start smaller--I currently have no interest in producing babies of any color.

thebestjasmine

@kayjay I'm sorry, I misquoted. She told me I needed to hurry up about a baby, and I said that I didn't have a husband. Her exact words were "Who needs a HUSBAND?" in a tone of scorn.

kayjay

@thebestjasmine HA! Still kinda liking it!

mistything

@kayjay WHOAH!!!!

thebestjasmine

@kayjay My mom does have a pretty awesome newsletter. Oh, I forgot about this one: last week when I was throwing the ball to the dog and it kept hitting the stairs, she yelled "YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD."

I started laughing so hard I fell down.

kayjay

@thebestjasmine HAHAHAHA! Tears on my face!!

angelinha

@kayjay When my ex met his ex-girlfriend's family for the first time (not me), there was a long, long pause after the introduction, broken finally by her grandmother's voice from the corner: "Well, at least he's white."

randummy

@thebestjasmine

If by stupid she meant like, stupid awesome, I agree.

gimlet

On my 22nd birthday: "You know, you're too old to be a wunderkind now."

Senior year of high school: "You know, if you just lost 30 pounds you'd be even prettier than your cousin Rachel!"

#ohmom

kayjay

@gimlet I, too, have received every possible combination of "You'd be so pretty if you were thinner" from my mother. But I can talk about it now without feeling like dry heaving. Thanks, Booze!

annepersand

@kayjay My mom likes to try on "You're pretty now [said dubiously], but if you just lost some weight you'd be beautiful." Like I'm going to jump up and go, "well, pretty is as pretty does, but if it's a question of true beauty, I'm gonna go starve myself right this second."

lasuperchouette

@annepersand this! every possible version of "well right now you're [lukewarm faint praise], but if you lost [varying quantity of pounds / dress sizes] you'd be [aspirational adjective]." Then, silently with her eyes, "you *do* want to be [aspirational adjective], don't you??"

Bebe

@gimlet My grandma is a big fan of "You have such a pretty face...if you'd just lose some weight you'd be a gorgeous girl."

She Saved The World, Alot

@gimlet my grandma too, but with her its "remember when i used to call you skinny minnie?" (i was 7 and like 30 pounds because i NEVER STOPPED MOVING) "what can i call you now?" and then my grandpa pipes up "leave her alone, she has a j.lo butt."

janedonuts

@pastina hahahaha! jesus.

MissT123

@pastina I love your grandpa.

randummy

@MissT123 gramps FTW

City_Dater

Mom Comment #27 is going to give me nightmares, and I'm pretty sure the reason I am childless is to avoid ever saying #32 to anyone young and impressionable.

Maria

[After begging for more information on my dating life in college.]
"You know, you don't have to kiss ALL the boys."

kayjay

@Maria Yes, Mom. Yes I do. Someone has to.

fondue with cheddar

@Maria KISS ALL THE BOYS!

Maria

@jen325 I like to think I made a serious dent in the list while I was there.

bodinea

Oh lord. I have enough crazy mom quotes for at least two seasons of a sitcom.

My favorite:

[At age 16, I wanted to go on the pill. We went to the pharmacy to fill the prescription, and I'm too mortified to talk at all. Pharmacist informs us that our insurance won't cover it (ed note: wtf?) so my mom asks how much three months will cost. Pharmacist disappears for AN ETERNITY and then returns and says $96.] My mom bellows right there in the pharmacy of our very small town: "WHAT? A HUNDRED BUCKS SO YOU CAN GET LAID?"

purefog

@bodinea I now know exactly what Diet Coke feels like being forcibly expelled through the nose. Thank you.

adfadfagarg

::Five minutes in the car after picking me up from the airport prior to Thanksgiving.::

"You know, I think you DO have rosacea!"

(I do not have rosacea.)

sceps yarx

@Meredith Fay Lovelace Whoa, my mom also told me she thought I had rosacea at Thanksgiving one year. Only she chose to mention it at the Thanksgiving dinner table. It was just terrible high school acne, so yeah. Appetizing.

ixchel

@Meredith Fay Lovelace NO WAY!! I got that about ten minutes into the Christmas visit car ride from the airport. Is there a Mom hive mind I am unaware of?!?!?!?

fierce_pierce

My mom must know #23:

"You just shoot it, like a gun, towards your butt" [plie motion + gun shooting motion utilized simultaneously].

fondue with cheddar

@fierce_pierce Wow...that could be much too easily misconstrued as in your butt.

janedonuts

@fierce_pierce terrifying

fierce_pierce

@jen325 She was definitely using the gun motion and plie-ing. So thank god I knew she didn't mean to put it IN your butt.

(In and also) out of context, yes, @janedonuts, TERRIFYING.

martini

@fierce_pierce My mom did the plie thing too. But about P in V sex. When I was 16. While we were walking in a park.

randummy

@fierce_pierce I've been doing it wrong.

claire

(after walking in on what I thought was a seizure around the age of 13):"Mom! Are you okay?" "Of course! I was just masturbating! Don't you?"

Edith Zimmerman

@claire *SHRIEK*

kayjay

@claire I need a handi-wipe for my brain. All of the handi-wipes. Is there any way I can unread this?

claire

@kayjay if only I could unsee it. The damage has been done. My mom thinks of us as "girlfriends". With her, normal boundaries don't really exist, though she's always talking about how I need to have clear boundaries. I actually had to take her in for a session with my therapist so I'd have a safe place to tell her to stop telling me about her sex life/asking about mine where she couldn't hang up on me.
Also, can't wait for the Awful Things Said By Significant Others Smackdown. So much great material from my ex, such as "You know...you don't really have ankles. They're kind of more like cankles" and "You can't really pull off shorts that short. Your legs are kind of stumpy.....Why are you looking at me like that? I'm just being honest!"

kayjay

@claire YES. LET US PLEASE DO THIS. I have a book's worth. Like the one time my ex called me from work the day before our daughter was born, wanting to have a conversation with/at me about "what you plan to do with your life."

martini

@kayjay YES YES YES. On our three month anniversary, my ex asked me to list 3 things that made me a good girlfriend and 3 things I could improve upon. Then he took me to Denny's but didn't have any money so I paid. :/

MissT123

@claire One of my exes thought that "Piglet" would be an endearing nickname for me. Apparently in seriousness.

Same ex: "You know, I don't want to kiss you EVERY time I look at you." (The feeling quickly became mutual.)

MissT123

@MissT123 ...In that every time I looked at him, I distinctly did not want to kiss him.

blahblahikan

@claire One of mine once said to me "You could totally be a model...for K-Mart!"

Petit Prince

@claire I just registered for the very first time to reply to this thread because it struck such a chord. Last night apropos of nothing he looked at me and said "You know, there's nothing you do here I couldn't pay someone else to do." I honestly am not sure what's wrong with me that its more amusing than terrible. Also, I do not know how I would go on without the Hairpin altogether.

Ozzie, The Last Hairbender

@claire Thanks, now I'm scarred for life! I never thought I would need therapy for someone else's parental issues.

Ozzie, The Last Hairbender

@martini And you let him go?!?!?

queenofbithynia

I...don't see anything at all wrong with #2? But then I always did wish I'd been raised by a mother who was a little more like an ice sculpture or a robot (but don't we all.)

laurel

I guess No. 10 doesn't know that you can be easy AND a dyke?

shenannies

@spiralbetty Truer words have never been spoken.

Petrichoria

My favorite is a recent one. I was talking to my mom about Edgar Allen Poe Nights, which are basically where my friend and I get drunk and try to write.

"We use wine because we don't have any opium," I said.

"Ohh," said Mom. "I think I have some of that in my jewelry box."

[Beat] "You have opium in your jewelry box?"

"Well, I have some weed."

[Beat] "Why do you have weed, Mom?"

"I confiscated it from your brother... I think I'm going to smoke it one of these days."

JG3
JG3

Strangely enough, my mom has actually said # 3 to me, more than once.

H.E. Ladypants

@JG3 Mine, too! Or variations thereof. I'm also not entirely sure what's wrong with it, either. I'd say wishing that your kids were growing up in an age where the worst thing you can get from sex can be cured by an antibiotic is a pretty reasonable sentiment.

punkahontas

"You're only going to get older and uglier, so take all the pictures you can now."

(3 or 4 year old me, trying to get a hug) "STOP HANGING ON ME!" alternately "LEAVE ME ALONE."

"Go down the basement and play. Don't come up unless somebody's bleeding."

punkahontas

Oh, and here is a fresh one, from this summer: "I either want your wedding album, or a baby, by Christmas."

Irma Vep

@punkahontas So basically, your mother is Betty Draper? #gobangyourheadagainstawall

punkahontas

@Irma Vep I would say she's sort of a cross between Betty Draper and Roseanne Barr.

NeenerNeener

@punkahontas On the subject of moms and babies, a recent exchange:
Mom: Neener, do you want these condoms?
My sister: The ones in the drawer next to the sewing needles?
Mom (smiles devilishly): Yeah, Neener, do you want these condoms?

omgkitties

@NeenerNeener CHILLS.

flannery

@punkahontas My mother was always a big fan of "go play in traffic."

Madam Verm

@punkahontas My mom and your mom must have been the same mom!

mouthalmighty

#21 should get together when my mom and discuss the terrible internet boyfriends/husbands they've brought home over the years.

mouthalmighty

In the same vein of not spotting the obvious bad life decision, sorta:

"Why don't you ever go over to [neighbor's place] like all the other kids? He offers them money and candy to hang out with him!" (Surprise, surprise when it turned out dude was a pedophile.)

bananab0at

Too late to submit this, I guess:
"well, [my 12yr old brother] IS smarter than you. [Then, to my horrified look] It's only b/c he's a boy! Boys' brains are just... they're different. Better at math, you know." [Walks away triumphantly like she's really rescued the situation]
This happened 3 weeks ago & I'm 26.

bananab0at

@wee_ramekin I feel like I should defend my mom, b/c she's actually really great & fully self-actualized & really not a chauvinist. But I kind of can't. She's got some crazy backwards ideas in her Russian head.

One time I twisted my ankle & she made me a compress to cure it (compress = cloth + my urine). See, she's crazy in a fun way!

pawtism

@bananab0at Hold the phone, are you saying that urine compresses don't work?! What kind of crazy thing will you say next?

sorry your heinous

I am so so sorry for some of you.

saythatscool

@sorry your heinous Just for the heinous ones, right?

antarcticastartshere

My mom didn't say this to me, but it is probably the most awful/hilarious (awfularious?) thing she has ever said:

Dad (standing at the screen door, watching our pet cat): "You know, [pet cat], is starting to look really thin..."
Mom: "Everything dies."

antarcticastartshere

@antarcticastartshere Also the time she took me to my psychiatrist appointment when I was visiting from college and when I came back to the car she was drinking out of a bottle of Bailey's.

laurel

@antarcticastartshere: Ah, Bailey's. The Qream of prior generations.

thebestjasmine

@antarcticastartshere This made me laugh out loud at my desk.

Decca

@antarcticastartshere I'm crying. With mirth or mortality I can't decide.

Maria

Not my mom, but an aunt: "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man... you should start hanging out at more polo matches."

AudreyStapina

@Maria I just created an account because I had to say that my mother has said this exact thing to me, minus the amazing polo match suggestion. However, she told me several times in my youth that it was something that HER mother said to her, as an example of how shallow my grandmother was. Then when I was an adult and had a boyfriend who had just bought a new car, she said it to me in all sincerity. I reminded her of its origin and she got annoyed and said she was 'just trying to be supportive'.

Maria

@AudreyStapina Honored to be the trigger of you getting an account :) A classic quote, but the polo match bit made me spit my margarita out at the time.

E
E

@Maria !! My grandma says this!!

beams!

@Maria oh my god my dad used to tell me this everyday!

Gnatalby

@beams! My dad told me to start dating burly men who drive trucks so that he wouldn't have to help me move anymore.

omgkitties

@Gnatalby Oh yeah, this. Single, moving next month, hiring movers (you're welcome, Dad!).

AppleFritter

@Maria My grandma does that too! And then she looks at my grandfather the doctor, and winks at me . . . squicky

sarahf

@Maria But...where are we going to find a polo match in THIS day and age?

Jennifer@twitter

My mom to me after I met my (now ex-) boyfriend's parents and entire extended family for the first time: "That dress makes you look pregnant!" She still doesn't get why that was not the right thing to say.

Sydney C

Here's a good one! "I wasn't sure if you were actually pretty because no boys are ever interested in you, but then I asked [creepy boyfriend] and he said you are!"

Said to me when I was 15. Thanks, Mom!

punkahontas

@wee_ramekin If you keep doing that, your face is gonna get stuck that way!

annepersand

I was at the dermatologist getting my moles checked out when I was 15.

Derm: Well, that's about it, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: [Mostly naked, hugely embarrassed] ...no...
Mom: Can you do anything about this? [Gestures broadly at my face] It's just, she used to be so pretty.

laurel

While watching my sister jump her horse, a propos of absolutely nothing, "I associate your generation with people who would steal my car."
Me, for once not stunned into stammering: "I associate your generation with people who would steal my pension."
"Hmm, good point."

Megasus

@spiralbetty That is a wicked burn

ironhoneybee

@spiralbetty This is going to be the opening scene of my screenplay.

laurel

@Megan Patterson@facebook: Yeah, I was pretty proud of myself. I celebrated in the moment by guzzling the rest of my beer, burping a little and wandering off to pet some silky horsey noses.

I just wish my prophecy hadn't come true for 100 million Americans!

@ironhoneybee: I'd like a "story by..." credit!

SuperGogo

"I was going to call you last week, but I thought I'd wait and see if you'd call me instead. You didn't."

hedgehog

@SuperGogo are you kidding? or possibly my brother? this happens to me EVERY WEEK. I am 41.

SuperGogo

@hedgehog Pretty sure my ladybits disqualify me to be your brother, but we obviously both have mothers who excel at passive-aggressive martyrdom.

BadWolf

@SuperGogo wow. just...yeah, my very stereotypical jewish mother, who thinks she's good at guilt, would like to take your mother's correspondence course.

DrFeelGood

@SuperGogo We have the same mother. Also "I thought you might be DEAD!" "Well, why didn't you call me?" "I don't want to be a burden". Also, "Talk to you later" to mom means, "I will talk to you later today. and if you don't hear from me, I'm probably dead".

Saiko

@SuperGogo My mother also likes to avoid speaking to anyone so that later on, she can claim to be unappreciated by everyone. Back when we lived with her and she couldn't avoid us, she used to obsessively clean things then cite this as evidence that she was her own school-aged children's indentured servant: "I spent all day disinfecting wallpaper, and all yous did was eat the donuts I bought you. Yous are useless."

mamarb

@SuperGogo I created an account just to share this

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: (sigh.) None. I'll just sit here in the dark.

Craftastrophies

@SuperGogo This is my mother AND my grandmother.

The upside of this is that I no longer talk to either of them on a regular basis. No, trust me, this is a really really good thing.

@saiko my mother did that thing with housework when we were kids. Like I had asked her personally to scrub all of my socks individually or whatever. Also, sometimes we would try to help out, and she would tell us that we did it wrong (ie, we didn't scrub the grout with a toothbrush for long enough, I am not making this up) and then redo it all anyway. Not that I am anti scrubbing the grout with a toothbrush, but I don't expect people my age to think it needs doing, let alone an 8 year old.

brad

my mom in the gorcerystore to her friend while stroking my hair and looking at my sorrowfully as though i were several chromosomes short "caught him masturbating yesterday...he's a work in progress". i was 13.

Betty Brant

My grandma to my mom when she was a teen:
"You better stay thin because you don't have a pretty face."

Charlie

This list is THE END. I wish I could contribute but I don't talk to my mother. Thanks for driving it all home, ladies.

mistything

@Charlie I know right? I'm like all triggered, and wrote 5 very sad and bitter ones, and had to delete them and go with the amusing one..

Megasus

@Charlie Yeah I didn't really have one, so I can't contribute. I don't think my Dad ever said hilariously horrible things to me. Not that I can remember anyway.

annepersand

@Megan Patterson@facebook Ooooh! I have a great hilariously horrible thing my dad said to me. The day before I left for college: "So, you know Woody Hayes, the football coach, once said, 'only three things can happen when you pass and two of them are bad.' Well, when you have sex...."

Megasus

@Charlie Oooh I just remembered one! "You're not allowed to be a lesbian"! This conversation only came up because I had not dated any boys in high school, and that was because the pickings were slim! Plus I had to wear a giant back brace for 9th grade! My response was definitely something along the lines of "Well even if I was, there isn't really anything you can do to stop me."

Craftastrophies

@mistything Yup. It says 'hilariously awful' not just straight up abusive, so that pretty much counts me out!

bashe

12-year-old me, staring at candy in grocery store. Mom, at end of aisle, looks at me and says, "Turn around..." I dutifully rotate. "Yep, you've got it. You've got the [her maiden name here] can." She walks away, I try to get a look at my own ass, which is apparently of supernatural proportions. Haunted. For. Years.

thebestjasmine

@bashe My mom and I have the exact same ass. It still kind of spooks me when I notice my butt on my mom's body. My sister doesn't have it.

wallsdonotfall

@bashe, same story! Except the maiden name is phonetically identical to a famous dictator/killer of millions, which puts a different spin on things.

Napoleon

@wallsdonotfall Heetlehr?

bashe

The horrible thing is, she was right. I have been running from my mom's ass for yeeeeaaaars.

KatieWK

Mom takes dirty laundry from my 10-year-old hands: "You don't need to learn how to do this. Your job is to be smart enough that one day you can pay someone to do this for you."

(To this day, I am nearly pathologically incapable of doing laundry.)

Mom to my 7-year-old sister: "Your father loves you, he just doesn't like you."

KatieWK

Me: "Mom, I need to tell you something important. I need you need to keep [date] open, because we decided we're getting married that week."
Mom, immediately and hopefully: "Are you pregnant?"

JG3
JG3

@KatieWK My mom used to say the whole "I love you, I just don't like you" bit whenever she'd get pissed at me.

PancakeBatter

@KatieWK I got "I love you but I don't like you" ALL THE TIME. And my laundry became My Job when I was thirteen (mother tried to make me do it earlier, but I couldn't reach the washing line). She did my brother's until he left home.

Clarisse McClellan

@PancakeBatter I was pretty much always tall enough to reach the line. My (older than me) brother still lives at home and gets his laundry done.

Ozzie, The Last Hairbender

@PancakeBatter Laundry was my job at 13 too. Only I lived at the top of a four story walk-up, and with a family of seven. It's like they say, "whatever doesn't kill will give you hernias."

frigwiggin

Can we do this with dads? My mom is at least sort of normal but my dad's brain was obliterated by all the drugs he did when he was in his twenties. Also, he likes lying to people. When I was maybe 5 or 6 he told me that Santa watches us through the air vents. This was while he was giving me a bath.

Clare

@figwiggin Can we can we can we?! My dad has the delightful habit of getting mad about everything he's been mad about at once, and then distilling his rage down to the fact that my parents sent me to private school. p.s. I'm 30! So he's getting bent out of shape about stuff that happened 12 years ago at the earliest!

He can find a way to connect me getting a flat tire and coming home late to sending me to private school. He can connect my wearing an unflattering dress to sending me to private school. He can connect the US' Middle East foreign policy to sending me to private school! It's a real art.

kayjay

@figwiggin My dad is full of it. One time, when I was in junior high, I had my bangs sprayed up reeeeeally high (as we were wont to do in 1987). My dad looked at me disdainfully and said, "Only drug dealers wear that much hairspray." Um. Huh?

spitfire

@figwiggin I could do several brackets all on my own! Let's do this!

punkahontas

@figwiggin Of all the quotes on here, this is the one that made me almost spit out my water.

karion

@figwiggin: It needs more context than I am going to give it, but:

"I hope you will deliver as moving a eulogy at my funeral as you did at (spitting out the words) your biological father's."

BlodwynPig

@figwiggin

OH dads! here's mine -

Most uncomfortable car ride ever with my little brother and my dad, who decides to give my bro, age 20, a pep-talk about still being a virgin:
Dad: “You know son, when you make love to a woman for the first time, it changes you. It’s a beautiful thing. You’re a handsome lad, so how come all your ugly friends have girlfriends and you’re single?”
Bro on the back seat: “…”
Dad not noticing the deathly silence: “Of course, in our family we’ve always been late starters. Except your sister here, we’ll have to make an exception for her!”
Brother and I reduce our finger nails to bloody stubs trying to claw our way out of the vehicle. Fun times.

samuraihellkitty

@Clare Your dad and my mom must be siblings. My mom will get pissed about the weirdest thing and all of a sudden its "like that time when you went (random event) without permission!" I'm 40.

frigwiggin

@punkahontas I'm glad I've got something to show for all the years he spent making things up. Like telling me stories about how he got sucked into a black hole while floating out in space. And was then reincarnated as a duck.

I believed even his most ridiculous stuff for a long time because not only was he my dad, he was a TEACHER, and teachers know everything! And then I would spread it around to my friends about how ice cream has whale blubber in it.

squid v. whale

@figwiggin Dad: *grabs 16 year-old belly chub* still growing, huh? Self: *jaw drops, cries and runs upstairs to wrap self in bed sheets* Mom: *sigh*

VodouDoll

@Clare My grandfather did that with my aunt! Except instead of blaming everything on private school, everything was the Beatles' fault. She fell down the front porch steps and sprained her ankle because of the Beatles. The Vietnam War happened because of the Beatles. His golf game got rained out? The Beatles.

tea tray in the sky.

@VodouDoll The barista put too much milk in my tea. Damn you, Beatles!

Mila

@figwiggin Oh, my dad, he has a few good ones:

I stayed out all night with a guy the summer before I left for college. My dad is pretty laid back, but I was embarrassed that he would assume I was having sex. So I said "nothing happened, we just fell asleep" My dad: "Why not? Are you some kind of tease or something?"

My dad starts rambling about aging (he is a talker), and mentions how much the sex drive diminishes when you hit 40. Then he whips out "but when I was married to your mom, man, we had a LOT of sex."

My dad was trying to convince me to go running with him, when I didn't want to, and none of his other arguments work he says (and I am pretty sure he didn't think it, just thought it would get me running) "I think you are starting to look a little jiggly." said to 16 year old, 110 pound, starting to develop eating disorder me.

Roaring Girl

@crosswordcoco AAAAARRRGGHHHH mine, too! Also at 16, except he did the Airplane thing and shook my belly and said, "And Leonard is getting laaaaaaarger!" I stared at him for a second and then told him, "You know, if you did that to your other daughter she'd be crying now." I didn't stop repressing my emotions until I was 18, see.

Paboori

@figwiggin Registered just to share hippie Dad quotes! Hooray!

My dad said to my friend at our college graduation, "I never thought my daughter would actually graduate."

My dad was helping me pack my suitcase before I moved abroad for a job when he said, out of the blue, "Do you have condoms? You know, rich foreign boys have STDs, too..."
Shocked (since I had a boyfriend at the time), I asked him, "Geez, do you think I'm a hussy or something?"
"Well..."

My dad was bored while our family was playing cards and told us a few stories from his youth. (This is paraphrased, because, well, my memory isn't photographic.)
"When I was in high school, my friend and I had a threesome with this girl who gave us crabs. We shaved to get rid of them, but then we thought we needed to pour gasoline on ourselves to suffocate them or something. That hurt like a motherfucker!"
In the same evening, he also told us about when he worked at a country club.
"I was really popular with the ladies. Once, I stayed the night with one and came in late to work the next morning, so I didn't check the mirror. My boss was pissed about my mustache."
I asked if he hadn't shaved, and he answered, "It wasn't that kind of mustache...I got it from the lady (eating her out.) I fell asleep without washing my face."
My mortified sister yelled, "Dad, you are a slut! I hate you!" and stormed off, forever scarred.

Layla

Horrible thing a grandma said: [Me grumbling about being unphotogenic] "I don't think you're unphotogenic, darling. Maybe you just don't look how you think you look!"

fondue with cheddar

@Layla I don't think that's horrible at all. It's sweet, and actually pretty wise.

Layla

@jen325 Oh she totally meant it in a nice way, but as a response to me saying how much I hate how I look in pictures, it wasn't the most reassuring. For the most part, not many family members have said anything awful to me. It's a little shocking.

L M
L M

@jen325 this is so true.

I am so unphotogenic.

fondue with cheddar

@Layla Yeah, my family hasn't said many awful things to me, either. I'm thankful, but also a little disappointed that I have nothing to contribute.

fondue with cheddar

@Lucia Martinez You must be impossibly hot in person then, because you're a very attractive lady in your profile pic!

L M
L M

@jen325 I think I just don't look how I think I look. (in my head I'm j. lo, which explains a lot.)

also, I'm looking at my mom's words up there in the bracket and thinking I got off pretty easy. so far.

Layla

@jen325 I could probably sweep in the spouse bracket if I really think about it/opt to contribute. So there's some solace.

fondue with cheddar

@Layla My spouse stuff was more horrible deeds than horrible words, but I do have a gem to contribute if it comes down to it.

ribs+bbq

Dayum, next time I visit my mom I'll have enough to fill my own tournament graphic. Mostly it'll be about animal fur at my sister's house and how if she and her husband have a baby they could just wrap the thing up in swaddling clothes made from dog'n'cat hair.

JoanTition

Whatever guys... my mom had her mid-life crisis a few years ago and basically moved into my apartment for a week. She slept in my bed and hung out getting drunk and stoned with my male metalhead roommate (or more correctly, she started sharing weed with and buying booze for my roommate).

THAT is worse than anything she's ever said to me.

Anyway, she went back to normal when I eventually made her go home.... except now she rides a motorcycle.

mistything

My mom has a million of them! ranging from the 1970's -80's "You kids ruined my life" from infancy until I left home) all the way to this Friday, before Hurricane Irene:
Mom: " I just hope it's a tropical storm by the time it arrives in Boston, it would be terrible if we got a category one hurricane can you imagine how bad that would be?"
Me: That's what's we're supposed to get in New York "
Mom: "I know" ( I live in New York)

Don't even get me started , seriously I'm in therapy over this shit!

ironhoneybee

@mistything Are you me? Or one of my sisters?

BoozinSusan

@wee_ramekin All you ever need to know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZItsbLzc73s

BoozinSusan

@BoozinSusan Er, that was supposed to be responding to a post MUCH farther up. Specifically, this one:
@wee_ ramekin : Awww, I love Mom # 31. I am so going to do that the next time someone wants a blow job. I am going to look SO DEEPLY into his eyes. He's going to love it SO MUCH.

Okay, and all these other moms are terrible. No wonder we've all got so many neuroses here in 'Pinland.

 
fondue with cheddar

@anna to the infinite power WOW. You win the thread.

saythatscool

@jen325 WAIT, WHAT DID IT SAY??????

Edith Zimmerman

@jen325 WHAT DIDDD ITTTT SAAYYYYY??????

punkahontas

@jen325 SERIOUSLY! TELLLLLL!

fondue with cheddar

@punkahontas She must have deleted it for a reason, so I feel like I should respect her wishes and not repeat what she said. But it was a horrible thing to say, made even more horrible by the fact that she was only 5.

I'M SORRY, PINNERS! :(

punkahontas

@jen325 Yes, definitely only Anna should tell. (But I still wish she would tell.)

fondue with cheddar

@punkahontas Me too. It's killing me to know and not be able to share.

"Now that you've waxed those caterpillars you call your eyebrows, I can see those wrinkles that are starting to show up on your forehead."

I am 24.

Xanthophyllippa

@S. Elizabeth: In contrast, my mother looked at my very lush eyebrows and said, "Don't ever pluck them or you'll have to draw them on with a pencil." She finally gave up on the pencil and had hers tattooed on last winter.

Nancy Sin

The time my mom heard Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" about a year after it came out and sent the Youtube link out in an email to about 15 friends and relatives talking about how we all need to listen to this cool new song by this artist she just discovered. And yeah, she worked in a "I liked it" joke.

Tropical Iceland

#1 is just a totally perfect mix of inappropriateness and sweetness and I kind of wish I had a little sister just so I could use it.

Ooh! I remembered one: When I was seven, my mom was talking to her friend while I was in the room. "You were such a fat baby, then you got skinny, then you got fat again." Commence body image issues!

Mila

@Tropical Iceland Ah yes, mothers and the comments that instigate body issues:

14 year old me, when all my friends were starting to obsess on body "flaws" "You know, I feel pretty good about my body"
Mom: "Yeah, well, you take after your aunt, and just look how fat she is now" (keep in mind my aunt had 6 kids. And isn't really that heavy).

saythatscool

Timing is everything with kids. For example, my 8 year old stepdaughter and I had this exchange once:

Scene: Walking down the sidewalk, we encounter a dead pigeon.

Daughter: Cool, why isn't that bird moving?
Me: I don't know, but I think your mother has a drinking problem.

kayjay

@saythatscool Bunch of psychiatrists were talking after the recent Thanksgiving break. One psychiatrist started telling a story about his family gathering.
"I made a horrible Freudian slip during dinner," he said.
"Oh?" replied one of the doctors. "What did you say?"
"I meant to ask my mom, 'Would you please pass me the SALT...', but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

Cap'n Colleen

Mostly the horrible things my mom says are just horrible. Not so amusing. But recently there was this: "I really wish you'd learn to respect your parents instead of wasting all your time having sex indiscriminately like cats and dogs."

anotherkate

@Cap'n Colleen I didn't realize that cats & dogs were having sex indiscriminately. Freaky.

BadWolf

holy crap, y'all. i feel kind of bad saying anything ever again about my own mother's shenanigans, some of these are that horrible.

well, except for the time i was 12, and, after a summer of bitter, bitter angst, tried to come out.

12-year-old me: mom? [deeeeep breath] so, i think i am a lesbian.
my mother: no, you're not.

fin.

flannery

@BadWolf OMG when i was in the sixth grade i had a crush on a girl and there was much hand-wringing and anxiety over what i'd tell my mother about my newly discovered lesbianism. and then when i finally got up the courage to "come out" to her, she cracked the fuck up. gasping-for-air type laughter. after like five minutes of which she managed to breathe/calm down long enough to go: "alright. sure. come back to me again when you're 20 and if it's still true, we'll throw you a party."

Respondona

My usually non-passive-aggressive mother, talking about Relative X's fantastically misguided decisions: "His parents used to tell everyone he was so bright. And your grandma used to laugh about it and say that promising children seldom fulfill the expectations placed on them. Everybody thought it was so mean to say that about her own grandchild. But she was right. Looking back, I'm just glad that you've never been very promising."

Respondona

@Respondona And that's when I knew that worse than realizing that you're turning into your mother is to realize that she's turning into hers.

KaiMcN@twitter

@Respondona You aren't kidding! Every time we talk my mother is more like her mother and I'm more like mine. To avoid passing on this horrible disease, I will only have cats.

MerelyGoodExpectations

@KaiMcN@twitter Solidarity! Cats not kids!

Respondona

@KaiMcN@twitter Seriously. Is like, I've seen the future, and is not pretty. Therefore: pets.

KaiMcN@twitter

@Respondona Right? It's almost mean to bring a child into this world. To the child as well as to me.

Ozzie, The Last Hairbender

@KaiMcN@twitter What are you going to do when your cats start acting like you?

Carrot Cake

I've got a million of them, but in my effort to keep it light, I'll share one from back in the day.

After auditioning to be a cheerleader at my junior high, I asked my mother to drive back to the school so we could check the list to see if I made the squad. She does so, and parks the car but doesn't get out. I admit to my nervousness, and she responds with, "I don't know why you made me drive all the way back out here. You know you didn't make the team."

kayjay

@Carrot Cake Oh dear. I almost burst into tears reading that.

Carrot Cake

@kayjay I pretty much want to do a big group'pin hug right now.

spitfire

My mom genuinely trying to be helpful the day my not being asked to the prom took over my angsty little head as the very emblem of my ugliness and awfulness and clear evidence I was going to die alone and unloved:
"Oh, honey I'm sure that's not true. And even if it is, there is always artifical insemination!"

VendingMachine

[To wrap up THE TALK] "Wait to have sex. Boys last longer when they're older."

kayjay

@VendingMachine DEAD BRILL.

libs

@kayjay Is there a wife around with a cleansing tissue in a tiny purse? Hm?

Amanda McNeil@twitter

Oh god. There are so many options. This one seems the most Hairpinny though.

Mom, calling me up at college:"Hi honey, listen I have a quick question for you."
Me:"Um, sure, what?"
Mom:"Would you mind if I slept with [the boy I lost my virginity to about 2 months prior]?"
Me:"YES I WOULD MIND!!!!"
Mom:"Why? You are so selfish."
Me:"MOTHER I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO HIM."

Clare

@Amanda McNeil@twitter sfx: Aziz Ansari-style WHAAAAAAAAT?!

KaiMcN@twitter

@Amanda McNeil@twitter Holy fuck. Wow.

winchesterwolcott

@Amanda McNeil@twitter ewww. I know a woman who had an affair with her daughter's high school boyfriend immediately after high school. They would talk shit about the daughter together. I don't even know.

Serafina

@Amanda McNeil@twitter I once caught my mom making out with my high school boyfriend. About three months into the relationship. Later he cheated on me with a friend of his, who later tried to kill me at a party (not even kidding, there were knives and head injuries).

spiraldawn

Where to start? This past weekend:
Mom: "You know, after you get married, you really should buy a new place." (I moved in with him 2 years ago)
Me: "Why is that?"
Mom: "Because everything he came into the marriage with would be his in a divorce."

E
E

My mom is sort of horrible, but loving. So I think the top 3 or so are:

1: (Child brings mother a report card with a B in math which blood was sweated to obtain). "Hmm.. a B? I like to think all my children are A children."

2: Shortly after prom, scene is family dinner table. Mom, looking dreamily into the distance, "you know your prom dress really didn't suit you. I didn't like it at all."

3: After the worst break up of my life. Scene is christmas eve, I am crying because he didn't call me, and before the break up we made plans to have a special shared christmas, which I am so acutely aware he is probably remorselessly enjoying, that I decided to drink a entire bottle of red wine, and I am now spoiling my family's christmas eve by puking in a toilet. Mom comes in, looks at my snotty wretched puking self on the floor and says, "Do you think he was cheating on you?" (A thought which had never before even occured to me in the whole list of horrible reasons why he broke us up.)

Fin.

RocketSurgeon

[About two hours before Thanksgiving dinner, comment on new-ish boyfriend] "You know, maybe he'd love you if you just lost some weight." At the time, I was maybe 10lbs over my ideal weight and it crushed me. This is the same woman who suggested to my 115lb high school freshman self that I may enjoy a week at camp- a fat camp.

Other than having an oversize (heh) reaction to any weight gain, she's really all right.

gidgetjones

@RocketSurgeon Getting ready for my first day of school, I declared to my mom that I thought I looked pretty. She recommended I never say that, because it made me sound vain.

Oh. First day of preschool. I did know what vain meant, and I've never been able to accept a compliment or think myself okay-looking since. Hooray!

Elsajeni

[I am 22, in the hospital, immediately after having my gallbladder removed. It sucks pretty hard. My mom:] "The doctor said they call the gallbladder risk factors the '4 Fs': female, fair, fat, and forty." ["Ha ha, well, I'm female and I'm sure fair! Wouldn't really say I'm fat, though."] "I don't know about THAT, have you looked at the scale lately?"

FOR SOME REASON, I now live 2000 miles away from her.

I am kind of charmed by #12 and #31, though. They remind me of my dad, who once explained to me that Frontage Road was the longest road in America (which is why you see signs for it anytime you are on a freeway, anywhere!) and named after a French explorer.

laurel

@Elsajeni: Did you high-five her over the 2oz you just lost?

RocketSurgeon

[Upon receiving a rejection letter from my #1 university choice] I knew you wouldn't get in as soon as I saw your SATs. We should have saved the application fee.

Clare

@RocketSurgeon Ooh! I've got a dad one for this situation: "You can apply anywhere you want, but you're going to Pitt."

(I did end up going to Pitt and I ended up falling in love with the city and the people, so that round goes to Dad.)

Mila

@RocketSurgeon Oh, that makes me think about one of the few stories of my mom saying the right thing, of actually getting what I was going through. I didn't get into a university that I didn't really want to go to (Stanford), but it was a blow to my image as one of the smartest kids in school. I wailed to her how embarrassed I would be when everyone was talking about who got in and would assume I was one of them. My mom said "you should just lie."

lexiatwork

[After my relaying some story of a recent bad decision, or revealing some behavior that was evidence of a character flaw]
"Wow, we really fucked you up as a kid, didn't we?"
[that line has come up multiple times, though my mother denies ever having said it]

Or, from my maternal grandmother, when I was 10:
"You know, if you want to, I'll pay to have your ears pinned back."

happy go lucky scamp

@lexiatwork yup - i had the lovely offer to have my ears pinned back at age 15 after years of being teased and called monkey girl.
my mother also apologised for not offering sooner.

kayjay

I have never posted so much on one single thing in the Hairpin. I cannot tell you how quelling this has been for me. Here's to living 3000 miles away from my mom!

friendshipcamel

My mom has said: "I wish I had a lonely vagina."

I, daughter, have said to my mom: [in public bathroom stall, at an age when we still shared one because I couldn't pee/wipe on my own; suddenly faced with my mom's goodies] "Mom, you have fur on your bottom!"

(We did not leave that stall for a very long time, until she was sure everyone who had previously been in the restroom had cycled out.)

Or wait, does that mean things daughters have said to their mothers but only mothers can self-report? Whose significant others, the daughters' or the mom's or ? Suddenly so confused.

Nutmeg

[at age ten, just before I hit my growth spurt during puberty]: Hey, honey, come over here...[stomach-poke] look who's getting a belly!

tamsingirl

Oh, I want to play.

[Everytime we went clothes shopping until I was old enough to buy my own. Mom:]
"Maybe we should just get some tees and sweatshirts. I'm always willing to buy you smaller clothes, but this seems like a waste of money."

[After getting laid-off from my first real job. Mom:]
"Well, I personally think you got fired months ago, but whatever you say dear."

And driving from LA to Phoenix after a family vacation, she told me her life story. No child should know those kind of details about their mother. I would have jumped out if I hadn't been driving.

I was vindicated a few years ago. I went to a therapist and after three appointments, he told me my only problem was my mother. Said as long as I didn't listen to anything she said I would be fine. Best money I ever spent.

Two-Headed Girl

Oh god, I love her, really I do, but my mom is rather awful. To wit:

[on getting an Arts degree] "You're going to need to marry money if you want to keep living in the style to which you are accustomed. Go study in the engineering building and maybe you can get your MRS, too!"

[on my drinking, pot-smoking, and sleeping with dudes I am not dating oh my GOODNESS] "Sometimes I don't think you have any morals." (Though it has to be said, she has gotten better since this conversation was had a year ago.)

Aaaaand the best/worst [said at the height of a depressive episode a couple of years ago]: 'You're not depressed. You're just being dramatic."

On a related note, there is a reason why I am planning on getting the hell out of Dodge for grad school.

whimseywisp

This post & comments make me really, really, really extra grateful to have an amazing, loving, & understanding mom.

Clare

@whimseywisp GET OUT OF HERE, HUMBLEBRAGGART!

(Kidding!)

automaticdoor

@whimseywisp God, seriously. Though my mom has said #3 to me before and we laughed about it.

MissT123

@whimseywisp Me too. She did pepper spray me one time, but it was an accident and she clearly felt AWFUL.

(She was testing the little purse-spray thing, and I walked out of the other room into the cloud of it.)

loudmouthedgirl

@whimseywisp Me too! we need to list awesome/ hilarious mom comments to counteract all the awful. I'll start. My mother (who was a total hippie in her youth) once said to me, apropos of nothing:
"Honey, have you ever tried acid?"
ME: uhhh, no?!
"Well, if you ever do, just know that you could be high for like, 36 hours."

Ah, mothers who came of age in the late 60s/ early 70s. Gotta love 'em.

KaiMcN@twitter

I've suppressed a lot of the mean things my mom has said, but I hope I remembered to write some down to use as material in future. The lady had some real zingers.

Probs

This is kind of distressing.

scully

Oh I'm so late and I have to say that I used to find these things much more funny before I became a mother...
But, I do have a good (but rather tame) one.
Other day having just gotten my hair colored and cut:
Me: "Hey Mom you didn't notice my new hair!"
Mom: "Yes I did. I just decided not to say anything."
Me: O-O blerggggggg

octagonfudge

My mom is a very sweet, supportive lady. But she will up and call me out of the blue with these "pearls of wisdom" she wants to pass on to me. My favorites have been "Have chickens instead of children. Because you can eat the chickens when you're sick of them!" and "You should never wear your bra backward." That last one she called very early in the morning to pass on, before she forgot.

JillCool

I am so scared that my 2 year old daughter will contribute to this someday. A lot of what comes out of my mouth these days is due to lack of sleep, mommy brain, and desperation. I had better start saving for her therapy now...

brarydog

I asked a boy to a dance and he said no. My dad tried to cheer me up by telling me he used to ask girls out in high school and they turned him down all the time. GREAT, dad, being a loser runs in the family. ;)

madge mumblecrust

When I was in college, my mom was visiting and complimented my new jeans. I told her they were "Long & Lean" from the Gap. She laughed.

In high school (over the course of which I gradually gained 20-30 pounds), I was trying on jeans at Express and complained that they made my hips look really big. My mom said maybe those were just my hips.

I don't know if those are a reflection on my mother (who is usually pretty great? Except for the times when, say, she pointed out I wasn't *that* good of an actress so probably shouldn't pursue drama in college because she had friends who were way better than me and even with their talent didn't come to anything) or the terribleness of jeans shopping.

bashe

@madge mumblecrust Oh hon, nothing's as bad as jeans shopping. Except maybe jeans shopping followed by swimsuit shopping WITH MOM.

Serafina

@bashe That's why I didn't ever shop with Mom. Try swimsuit / bra shopping with Dad.

callmeaudreydarling

My mom's best line was also her only attempt at sex ed: "If you have sex with a boy before you're 18, it will be like he is pissing inside of you, because that is all he will be doing, pissing inside of you." Guess she thought this would be a deterrent to underage pregnancy? Needless to say, I trusted nothing from her mouth after I found that no, it was not just like that AT ALL. Naturally, I became pregnant and miscarried at 16. She was actually pretty decent to me during that time, though...moms, sheesh.

MerelyGoodExpectations

"Would it bother you if I left your father? I mean, bother you emotionally?"

This was 1) on Christmas Eve and 2) the first I'd been made aware of any difficulties on that front (I was living out of state). I refused to answer; they're still married.

Madam Verm

@MerelyGoodExpectations My mom did the same: "How would you feel if your father and I got a divorce?" Except I was 8... at a pool party. So horrible!

Hot Doom

When trying on my grandma's clothes from the 60s (who was around a size 6-8), my mother would say "Ahh, those fit you perfectly! They just need to be taken in at the bust. And here, I used to think Grandma was such a fat cow. I mean, I just couldn't fathom getting that big and your aunt and I would make fun of her all the time".

As a side note, my mom is not terribly heinous, and is now rather on the heavy side. I compared the waist opening of one of her old skirts in her tiny days with the circumference of my head, and I couldn't get my head through :/

FoxyRoxy

My mom once told me my father is a stallion. It was uncomfortable.

hailmary

"Do you need to wash your face? You need to wash your face." - Every single time I walk into my mother's house.

The best line ever: "...and you have something special for dinner!" In lieu of actual dinner, she thought it'd be appropriate to put a bottle of FatBurner Plus pills on my dinner plate (go Ephedra!). I was 14.

scully

@hailmary That second one is some Joan Crawford style shit.

phoebe

ooooh, this post is where i win all my money back! my mom-quotes were MADE FOR THIS. a personal favorite: "well, it's okay you don't have a boyfriend. you got the rashy skin and the bad personality. it'll take time."

jenergy

My mom has always just said goofy and funny stuff, never mean stuff. The mean stuff came from Grandma.

Like the time Grandma took me and my bff to the park to play, I think we were like 8 or 9, and we spent a glorious afternoon creating and acting out our very own musical. We danced around the park and sang everything at the top of our lungs and it was SO FUN. I distinctly remember it being SO FUN (like that, in all caps). On the walk home Grandma told me all about how embarrassed and mortified she was by our ridiculous behavior and she sure hoped no one knew we were with her.

Nice.

Impybat

Most of the demented things my parents say stems from their xenophobia (I say xenophobia because it pretty much covers the spectrum of their racist and homophobic beliefs). I would be here all day if I tried to list the shit they've (especially my dad) said. But some recent standouts include:
My dad, after gleefully confiding to me that my older brother is having some personal finance issues: "He can't pay his electric bill! I could loan him the money, but I ain't gonna!"
and "Your brother called here all upset about his life. He said he wants to jump off a bridge. What kind of person would jump off a bridge, anyway?" Probably one with a father like you! This is the same brother by the way. I keep checking on him :(
This culminated last month in my dad telling me to "DROP DEAD!" after I told him to stop yelling at me where to park while I was driving him around one day not long after his stent operation. He then jumped out of my car (at a red light) and walked the rest of the way back to his house.

joythemanatee

@Impybat OHmyword. Hugs. Just great big interenty hairpinning manatee hugs.

joythemanatee

@joythemanatee I can't edit my own comment. Damn. That was suppose to be "internety" not whatever "interenty" might mean.

Also, I hope your brother is ok.

Impybat

@joythemanatee Big Internety Hugs to you too! My brother is doing better, I am glad to say. Thank you :)

Impybat

That last bit seems pretty confusing. Sorry for the run on sentence, Pinners.

redheaded&crazy

oh my gosh I am so happy that my mom isn't the only one who offered to pay for my nose job!

Followup comment: we would never have to tell your father.

Gee. Thanks mom.

Jolie Kerr

@redheadedandcrazy Please come find me at the next 'Pin-up so we can hug it out. (The worst part is that I like my nose!)

redheaded&crazy

@Jolie Kerr the worst part for me is that I DON'T like my nose so having its horribleness reaffirmed was ... great. Especially as an insecure teenager. JUST GREAT.

*hugs it out HARD*

DrFeelGood

@redheadedandcrazy At about age 15: "So, do you want to do something about that mustache?" To be fair, I did get electrolysis on it for a few years and am still NAIRing/plucking the motherfucker, but at the time I was like uh what MUSTACHE?

Frankie's Girl

I'd win this if I was asked, but mostly for just plain horrible and not amusing:

Knowing my husband and I were undergoing fertility testing, she got mad at me for something trivial, and said:
"I hope you never have children; you don't deserve them!"

and similar sitch:
"I don't even love you anymore. I could never love someone that is so horrible to me."
(said in an icy cold voice, because I yet again didn't do exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it done)

My mother is severely fucked up, and selfish and self-absorbed to boot. I have that from a counselor who saw us both during therapy, which I was trying to do so that I could work out a better relationship with my mother... my mother saw the counselor for a short time after, but then decided that she knew more than a trained counselor and she was fine and it was really all my fault for being such a horrible bitch of a daughter and going and getting married and working full time and not devoting every waking moment catering to my mother's needs.

~whew~ sorry about that. It still gets to me sometimes, even though I slapped her down finally and she moved several states away to "punish" me... hahahahahHA.

Serafina

The submit button does nothing, which is unfortunate. I have several doozies.

Things my mother has said:
"Are you sure you need to eat that? [in the same breath] You look like you're losing weight, can you even afford to lose any weight?"
[in response to a woman wearing all white, and who was obviously trying not to cry in public, in hearing range:] "Wow, here comes the tooth fairy." [the woman started crying. I apologized to her.] "Don't you fucking apologize for me!"
"Some people just don't know how to PARK A FUCKING STROLLER." [while staring at stroller's ..driver?]
"Do you swear? Swearing is so unladylike. Hey you fucking shithead cuntface, stay in your own goddamn lane, if you can even see the fucking lines!" [in the same breath, while driving. the last half was screamed out the window at an elderly woman.]

elizabee

@Serafina If my aunt were not childless, I'd be positive you were describing her.

blahblabber

@Serafina I didn't know I had a sister.

Serafina

@elizabee Hahaha oh god, I have an aunt who may or may not have a child! I don't know because my mother hasn't been on speaking terms with her family for as long as I can remember. I don't even know my grandfather's name. =/

@blahblabber Me neither! I always wanted a sister. Honorary sisters?

blahblabber

@Serafina Awesome! I suggest we pitch a show idea and become insanely rich: "Hardcore Mother Swap". Seems like we'd be okay if we swapped mothers, but imagine other people. We could also make it like one of those shows that pays people based on how much time they could withstand being in their company!

I gotta say though, even though my mom says and does shit that can be horrifying, awkward or some unholy combination of both, she is pretty awesome and has good intentions...most of the time at least. She does tend to put the "fun" in our dysfunctional. Most of the time at least.

senorglory

@Serafina not sure if "Hardcore Mother Swap" is the show title you want to go with.

senorglory

@senorglory that should read @blahblabber. what a mess i've made of things now. I wonder what my mother would say?

Serafina

@blahblabber Oh god yes, let's do it. Did you ever have your friends' moms tell you things like "If you ever need somewhere safe to go, you're always welcome at our house?" and have no idea what they were talking about? It would be like that, but with total strangers. We could put up hidden cameras and watch their horror as they slowly crumple into self-doubt, then reward them at the end of a couple of weeks with balloons, cookies, and therapy. Just think of all the relationships that could be repaired - "I always thought my mom was an evil tyrant, but now I see she was just doing the best for me!"

It'd basically saint us instantly.

@senorglory "Hardcore Mother Swap" is just cringe-inducing enough to make me wonder what the show would be about. I would watch the first episode and then get hooked and watch it religiously while eating ice cream and slouching.
Your mother wouldn't be upset, just... disappointed.

EE
EE

[The first time I called home from college] Mom: You know you're paying for this so you better hurry it up.

[Remembering the 3rd Grade field trip to the zoo my mother chaperoned, when I accidently leaned over a big pile of bird shit in the aviary and had to walk around the rest of the day gaging from the bird shit on my shirt because she was too cheap to just buy me a new one from the gift shop] Mom: Boy, I sure loved you that day!

[There was some sever flooding in my town, and I called to ask how my mom and my grown sister who lives with her were doing]
Mom: Well, our part of town doesn't flood, so we'll be okay.
Me: That's good.
Mom: But you know you're sister's boyfriend lives in the flood zone... She asked if he could stay here if his apartment floods. I said he had to get a job first.

And finally...

Mom: Don't tell your father, I've filed for a divorce.

bonnbee

Sahoooo late to the party... Ha! Try having a mother with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder ANNNND alcoholism!

Well, let's start with:

MOTHER TO ME, AGE 6, STANDING ON LAWN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING OLDER BROTHER HAS LOST: "Get off your fat little feet and fucking find it!" Points for alliteration?

MOTHER TO ME, AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK, WHILE DRIVING ME TO JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL: Variations on "I hate you fucking kids, I wish I never had you, don't wait for me to pick you up after school today because I'm killing myself while you're there because you're the worst children ever." For the record Junior High School Dean, I missed first period every day because I was crying in the bathroom terrified that at that moment my mother was killing herself!

LOOKING AT PICTURE OF ME IN A BATHING SUIT AT AGE 11: *maniacal laughter* Oh that's YOU? Oh, I was wondering who the fat little girl on the slide was!

MOTHER TO ME, AGE 10: "Well, boys will expect you to have sex with them. Boys really like blow jobs. Your father LOVES them." Still trying to scrub my brain, twelve years later.

I have so many more but I'm trying not to sound like a bitter horrible old crone on the lovely Hairpin. For the record, I haven't had contact with my mother in three years and I've been through gads of therapy, AND I miraculously turned out successful and happy so I guess alls well that ends well!

Tailfeather

@bonnbee Holy shit, I just suffered second-hand trauma reading that. If she's not on meds, stay awaaaaaaaay. :(

PancakeBatter

I got one! I was fourteen, my mother sat me down and said: "You know, when I was your age, I was fat too. Until I just stopped eating, unless I really, really, really needed too. Then I got a boyfriend!"

Cue: crying. Her, confused: "I'm only telling you this because I love you."

Year later: my older, also fat sister confesses mother had been hospitalized several times in her teens for anorexia. WEIGHT LOSS = HAPPINESS.

anotherkate

@Cap'n Colleen I didn't realize that cats & dogs were having sex indiscriminately. Freaky.

anotherkate

Well I was going to post some things, but apparently my mom is in the minor leagues when it comes to saying horrible stuff. Although there was the time that I asked innocently what a "Tom Jones meal" was and she decided to act it out for me, moaning & writhing included. Still haven't found that bottle of brain bleach I've been looking for.

Roaring Girl

@anotherkate What's a Tom Jones meal? I'd Google it, but my computer kind of loves viruses, and also I'd rather find out in a drinky safe space like the Pin.

anotherkate

@Roaring Girl it's when you & your partner flirt over your meal. Things like eating oysters, biting into fruit so juice runs down your chin while gazing seductively at the other person, etc. It from the book/movie Tom Jones. The film clip on YouTube is pretty funny, seeing your mom act it out is not.

AnnPerkins

My grandma, after sitting 2nd grade me down at her kitchen table and telling my mother it was time I "finally knew the facts": "It's time to get bangs. You've got pretty eyes, child, but with your hair pushed back like that, I just want to draw on your forehead with dry erase markers. I need at least a few of my grandkids to land a rich'n."

Jemma Boyle@facebook

Said to an 11-year-old-or-so me, her lip curled in digusted contempt, "You know what? You're a jerk. And you'll always be a jerk." I forget what I'd done. I think I didn't do the dishes when she told me to. I still remember this vividly, and I'm now 51.

Then, older, I was 24 and had really, really bad flu and strep and lived alone. I was so sick and weak I couldn't get out of bed even to go to the bathroom. No food in the house, shit and piss in bed. Hesitantly called my mother to bring some groceries. She brought them during her lunch hour, but refused to come into my apartment in case she caught what I had. Then, later, during that sad, truly depressing period you have when you're pretty sick, and actually a little afraid you might actually die, and weepy and in despair, she said to me on the phone, "I don't think you're ever going to get better..."

Xanthophyllippa

The amusingly horrible thing my mom said is actually amusing: She told me that if I didn't put sunscreen on my nose, it would burn and peel so badly that doctors would have to take skin from my butt and put it on my nose. She denies ever saying this and is embarrassed when I bring it up; I think it's hilarious and tell all my friends. (And, apparently, the Internet.)

Also, the morning after a sleepover, she asked my friend what she wanted for breakfast. My friend said, "I don't care." My mother shot back, "I don't care, either. Let me know when you decide."

elizabee

I have SO many, but I'll just go with the least depressing one.

A neighborhood creeper had broken into our condo and one other one, stealing photos and underwear from the 7th-grade girls who lived there. I was in 10th grade and wildly unpopular. I walked through our kitchen, and the other mom was over to discuss the matter. My mom interrupts the conversation to say, "See, Elizabee, even perverts don't like you."

She swears this never happened. It happened.

sweetleah

This one happened just last week...My brother and I are joking around, talking about love and finding chemistry, and my mother decides to say in order to shut me up: "Don't listen to her, she's 30 and desperate!"

Gnatalby

When I was 25 and my sister was 23 (and single) my parents had just come back from a funeral and my mom said: "I just realized we are probably only going to funerals from now on. No one we know is eve going to get married again."

D.@twitter

My mom is also wonderful, loving, and supportive, but has said some truly traumatizing things. Lots of sly things about my weight, like, "Should you really be drinking that [chocolate milk] if you're trying to lose weight?"
"You must have gotten that butt from your father. There's nothing like that on my side of the family."

Me: Someone would have to be crazy to want to marry me.
Her: Well, there are a lot of crazy people out there.

My babushka (AHHH SLAVIC GRANDMOTHERS ARE THE WORST) is the truly heinous one though. After having given me a size M T-shirt a few months ago, "Ooh, I can't believe that fits you!"
My sister: "Why not?"
"Well, it looked so small..."
and "What's that on your face?" [pointing at some zits, which I'm really self-conscious about b/c it seems like nothing will clear up my skin] "Been eating too much ice cream?"
And that was just during one three-day-long visit.

Bebe

@D.@twitter OMG, if this were "Horrible Things Our Grandmothers Have Said" you and I would totally win. My favorites:

(after going on and on about how beautiful my then 16 year old sister was, she said to 13 year old [read: awkward phase!] me): "And you, honey, you're just so pretty on the inside."

When I was single and not particularly happy about it: "Honey, what's wrong with you? Why don't boys like you?"

When I was single and happy about it up until she said: "I don't understand why no one wants to love you."

On the same day: "Put some lipstick on, you look like a hag"/"Why do you have so much (Greek word for shit) on your face? You look like a whore."

And of course the one I mentioned above, "You have such a pretty face - if only you'd lose The Weight."

Serafina

@Bebe Hahaha Slavic grandmothers ARE the worst! Those are hilarious.

My gram's gems include saying to my then-boyfriend, "Well, whatever you're eating, it's doing pretty well for you -- you're looking a little chunky there!" He was about 35 pounds overweight and very self-conscious about it.

DrFeelGood

@D.@twitter Awkward grandma moments include "When I was YOUR age I was sleeping with a MAN!" To my 18 year old self and my bed cluttered with teddy bears.

blahblabber

@D.@twitter Maybe Slavic grannies are the European version of Hispanic grannies?

My grandma is the polar opposite of my mom: gentle, sweet and soft-spoken and generally more conscientious of those around her. But what she and my mom share is vanity. So even though I've been of thin-to-average proportions most of my life, my mother used to joke with me as a teen by telling me she would love me more if I was thinner and my grandmother would gently urge me to lose weight every once in a while.
A few years ago I ended up losing a crap-load of weight over a period of a year-and-a-half. I was extremely thin. But because of my body shape, I ended up with super-thin arms and an emaciated ballerina-chest even though I still had some hips and ass. My mom and grandma were ecstatic, but my grandma wasn't completely satisfied. The generosity and sweetness of my grandma are what make this exchange all the worse:

G: You've lost a lot of weight; you look so pretty!
M: Ok; thanks?
G: But...your boobs have shrunk. Why don't I get you a nice pair of boobs? I'll pay for everything. You don't have to work this whole summer, you can get your chest done instead!

This quality of hers meant that at 20 years old I got lasik eye surgery even though the doctors warned that my vision would probably deteriorate some after because I was still young. Didn't stop her from putting down the money and having me do it, because for years she had wanted me to stop wearing glasses because they do me no favors, apparently.

I ended up having to get glasses again three years ago.

Damn, this was long. Sorry, folks!

Inkling

@D.@twitter (By the way, if you still have skin problems, grape seed oil is the only thing that has ever helped me. It's just amazing.)

lue
lue

Oh, fun!

Near Christmas, when my sister and I (aged, um, 10 and 7?) were planning gifts, my mom said in an extremely whiny voice, "Can you just get me a real present this year? I don't want any more of your homemade crap."

When my sister and I (15 and 12) got home from a weekend at our dad's house, "Hi! Did you have a good time? [Stepdad] and I totally had sex in your beds while you were gone."

A real gem from my aunt (not even sure where this rant started), "All children are innocent. Innocent until proven guilty. Sure, some of them grow up to be blacks and mexicans..."
(W.T.F.??!!)

And, a conversation with my great-grandparents:
gpa: "The worst thing to ever happen to this country is when they gave whores [aka women] the right to vote."
gma [in a confusingly smug tone]: "Yeah."

Serafina

@lue Oh gross, sex in your beds?

Though what am I talking about, I *caught* my mom and my stepdad sexing on my bed. And they didn't even change the (disgusting) sheets.

Pseudonymous

When I was 25 and recovering from an ED my mother sighed and said: "it's such a shame the boy (my brother) got the thin genes". Great.

joythemanatee

@joythemanatee I can't edit my own comment. Damn. That was suppose to be "internety" not whatever "interenty" might mean.

Also, I hope your brother is ok.

hideously

My ex's mother once gave me a bag of lingerie.

dg
dg

My mom is a pediatrician. I got my first period when I was 12 and was TERRIFIED because I didn't know it would stop. So I finally got courage to talk to her about it, this was her response. "What, didn't they teach you about this in school?" I said no--there was no further discussion.

My mom on meeting my sister's (now husband) boyfriend for the very first time, the very first words were not hello or nice to meet you but "I WANT GRANDBABIES"

My mom on meeting my best friend who happens to be a gay man. "He's nice but don't ever come home and tell me you're dating him ... and don't ever come home and tell me you are a lesbian."

On a side note because of how crazy my mom can be around boys (see example two above) she has never met a guy I've been interested in and probably won't until I date a guy I have serious thoughts on marrying. When I was in 7th grade my sister told my mom I was a lesbian as a joke and my mom thought I was one for about 7 years.

ba-na-nas

This is really late, but it simply must be shared. My mom, in front of some relatively new friends that had travelled with me from out of town, upon me saying that I haven't been sick much at all during my pregnancy: "Well, I was terribly sick when I was pregnant with you, but that could just be because I was withdrawing from crystal meth."

Nancy Benecki@twitter

A few years ago, after I was released from the hospital for the second time in a month, I went to stay at my mother’s house for a few days since I live alone and wanted people around me in case I needed help. You don’t get any actual rest in the hospital, and I just had a treatment that left me feeling exhausted. When I asked my mom if she could make me a sandwich, she said to me, “I wasn’t the one who was lying around for the last three days.” It’s not like my mom works – and she also has never visited me in the hospital. And that folks, explains why I am such a weirdo.

totallyunoriginal

"Don't worry, sweetie. You'll grow into your face someday."

Thanks, mom.
(She was right though.)

Donovan Gentry@twitter

I don't know what the German word is for when you're consuming something as if it's hilariously funny, but it's actually killing you inside the further you go, but that's what I'm doing with these comments. It's like an addiction to eating glass shards.

Tanonymous

I have some...
1. Have you gained weight? (Of course while I was wearing a bathing suit.)
2. When you get older, you can ask your aunts what they do about their facial hair.
3. Did Tanya tell you she got her period? (When I was 11 at my cousin's birthday party!)
4. When you get older, you can have plastic surgery to remove that scar. (Never did-it's on my face and people don't even notice it anymore.)

EggsErroneous

My mom likes to tell me "Oh get over yourself" when I'm feeling anxious, neurotic, sad, angry, any feeling really. I hated it at first but I kind of love her for it now. Helps remove the ego before reacting to a situation. Thanks mom!

Serafina

Ah I forgot one of my mom's best ones! I was 13 or 14, getting my wisdom teeth removed against my will so I could get braces that I didn't think I needed (and because of which my teeth are now crooked), but I wasn't nervous for the surgery because people get their wisdom teeth removed all the time and are still alive.

My mom used to be a nurse and she's also rather paranoid (from growing up in Jersey surrounded by gangs, according to her, but she's a chronic liar so ?). Once she had parked at the surgeon's, she turned to me and stared me dead in the eyes for several seconds. I asked what was up and she sighed and said, "Oh, just... I guess I'm more nervous than you are for this because I used to be a nurse and I've seen things you haven't. I don't want to lose you."

(Then my right side spasmed uncontrollably as I was coming out of the anesthesia and she started screaming at the doctors that I had nerve damage and they'd better pay to keep me alive. Good times. No nerve damage.)

Tammy Pajamas

When I asked if I had a boyfriend by friends of the family that I've known since I was a toddler, my mom interjected and said, "Tammy's relationships only last a night." I was too stunned to defend myself. I was also a virgin at the time.

naughtysneaky

[When she caught me eating a bag of caramel popcorn]: "Don't you want [boyfriend's name] to love you?"

[On my bipolar disorder]: "I'm not sure you'll ever be stable enough to have children." (COLD. KNIFE. IN. CHEST.)

[At Linens N Things, shopping for college]: "You'll need a spot rug for the floor. What color do you want?" "Black is good. It hides stains." "Not EVERY kind of stain..." *waggles eyebrows*

redheaded&crazy

Another good one, my dad to me in grade 6: You do NOT weigh 150 pounds. If you did, *holds arms out to imitate a large person and stomps around* watch out here comes [rhc]!

:\ did not weigh 150 pounds at the time, but a few years later I did and I never forgot that comment. And for 150 pounds! People have such a skewed perception of weight, I had a friend also say something similar like "oh I wouldn't want that person in my bed, they'd break it" I'm like HELLO. SERIOUSLY?!

Impybat

These stories/anecdotes are all so horrible. I'm sorry, everybody :(

Shturx

After I had emergency surgery to remove a Fallopian tube the day I found out I was pregnant and it was ectopic, my mom said, "You did look fat at Christmas."

bitzyboozer

"Me and [boyfriend] had a pregnancy scare recently. It was really stressful, because of my age, we thought it might be, you know, retarded."
(At this point I ask, but Mom, didn't you go through menopause?)
"Well yeah, but there was the virgin birth, so who knows?"

Barry Grant

Goodness gracious. I signed up to say that you Hairpinners are are so funny and smart and pretty. Please keep being the way(s) that you are.

griegaleja

mom over the phone-you sound fatter.

Artressa Vandelay

After my parents drove my drunk ass home from a wedding a few years ago, I stayed at their house, and passed out in my dress, stockings, etc. In the a.m. I staggered into the kitchen for water. Mom said "You look like a two-bit floozie!" I replied, "No, Mother. If I were a floozie I would have woken up in someone else's house." Moms: Never the best source for positive reinforcement.

M'fly

My mom is lovely, but I have a real winner from my stepmother.

I was about 4, and I was hanging out in the kitchen where she was having coffee with her friend, and she said to her friend, "I've always hated children," and went on to say that she was thrilled that she never had any.

scojo

[on hearing the news I was pregnant after 5 years of marriage during which time we preferred not to have children just yet so used birth control]: "I thought you were sterile."

I'm so glad I've forgotten all the other ones! YESSSSS

AndreaTX

My mom, getting ready to go to her electrolysis appointment when I was in 7th or 8th grade: "If you want, I can make an appointment for you so they can take care of your little mustache."

Up until that point, I was entirely unaware that I had any hair anywhere on my face that could be construed in any way as a mustache. No middle school boys had ever teased me about facial hair - you have to figure that if I had it, they would notice, because they sure teased me about other stuff.

Inconceivable!

Super late, but: Some family friends of ours were having a fancy anniversary party, when I was 21 or so. Mom's friend to Mom: "Our kids are probably bringing dates, so yours should feel free to as well." Mom: "Well, [my brother] might, but Inconceivable! doesn't really know any boys."

Serafina

@Inconceivable! You could say she found the idea inconceivable. >>

BScottie

My mom's pretty cool, but my dad says some embarrassing things. A friend of mine came to see a college play I was in, and I hadn't seen her since elementary school. After I talked to her, she literally turned around to talk to some other people behind me. My dad said about her, within earshot, "Who was that guy? I don't think I've ever met him before." !!!!!!!!!

anna-chris

My mom, discussing my younger (and very beautiful) cousin: Your boyfriend should walk in to work with her! Wouldn't SHE turn some heads!

Sella Turcica

I was born after my mom had turned 40, increasing my risk of having Down Syndrome.
Age 10
"Of course we would have kept you if you were born retarded. We kept( perfectly normal IQ sister's name)."

Age 25
Me: (ironically) What, you think I'll never get married and have kids so I can move back home easier to take care of you?
Her: (unironically) Well I never pictured you getting married.

bail

How about: "it kind of looks like you're doing a handstand, because you have a big bum and no boobs". Luckily I've balanced out a bit since then.

anemone

"I told [my boyfriend] I was too old to have children, but he said we could just use your eggs..." [She looks at me curiously]

Wow. I never thought there was another mother who would say something like this to her daughter. At least now I know that I'm not the only one who had to deal with such awkwardness! Except for me, I was then living with them, and my mother outright asked me, she didn't imply it. Then they got mad at me when I said no.

Coatlicue

This is old now, but I just got around to reading all of these!

My mother could have said virtually all of the things everyone else's mothers have. She is completely freaking insane, and she always has been. Here are a few of her greatest hits:

1) On every one of my birthdays between 10 and 14, she would find an excuse to call me a "selfish bitch". She felt it was her duty to knock me down a notch, and she did NOT want me to enjoy my birthday.

2) From the time I was a very small child, she told me that no one would ever love me but her, because I was a terrible person -- and the only reason she loved me, is because she was obligated to. When I was 16, she told me that no man would ever want me now that I wasn't a virgin.

3) She tells my husband that I'm dumb. She's always tried to fuck up my relationships with my boyfriends, and now that I'm married, she has to make sure my husband knows what a moron she thinks I am. Oh, she also tells him that he's hot. CHRIST.

4) She has bad, self-inflicted health problems. She will call me at anytime, day or night, to tell me about how she "puked and puked and puked and puked". She coughs constantly, and chooses to not take her medicine when she wants attention for this coughing. She does not cover her mouth. She coughs directly into the phone receiver every minute, every single time she calls. When it's better, socially, for her to not cough constantly, she somehow magically goes into a temporary remission.

5) She wants me to have all of her health problems. My paternal grandmother once said, "your mother views you as an extension of herself, despite that you are not very much like her", and that explains a lot about why she wants me to be sick as fuck all of the time.

6) My brother had a harmless high school relationship with an inoffensive girl. Mom nearly alienated him for life by telling him what a "whore" the girl was. She kicked him out of the house because of this girl, and then told everyone he had run away.

7) When I was a teenager, I developed severe depression issues, due to her behavior and the fact that no one ever believed me when I told them what she was like (including my psychiatrist). She told me I was an embarrassment.

8) Related to the last one: she apparently told her friends that she had to watch me in the bathtub, to make sure I didn't kill myself. That never happened. I have no clue what she hoped to gain by fabricating such bullshit.

maddie172

I know this post is late, but its a great topic so had to share. My mom says some real backhanded compliments, and is very critical in general. Most recently, I said to her: 'I don't really eat alot in the weekends. Sometimes I forget to eat.' Mom looks me up and down, taking in my curvy figure and says 'Well, I bet that's not very often is it?'
She says some winners about my sister - Mom was saying how she (sister) was exercising alot, and i said 'why, she doesn't need to lose weight she hasn't got any to lose!' Mom replied 'weeelll, she's a *healthy* weight isn't she?" My sister has a lovely figure, and is definitely skinner/taller than me, so i was beyond shocked. after all, if this is what she thinks about my sister, what does she think of me?

ixchel

Ooooh- I have one:
On my birthday- "you know, abortion wasn't legal yet when I was pregnant with you, but it was easy to obtain, and fairly safe by then, and I did consider it"

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@ixchel That would win, but there's nothing amusing about it.

saucymare

After getting divorced, lips kinda purple and kinda drunk, "Don't worry I am never getting married AGAIN, and if I do it's because he's rich!" she eyes me warily, "and you can just keep that part to yourself."

Catherine Combs@facebook

This Christmas season, my mom offered to take everyone to see "We Bought A Zoo" and out of me, dad, sister, brother, I was the only one available to go at the right time. I was excited for some girl time with my mom but before I said anything, my mom sighed and said, "well....ok. I guess we can still go. One out of four is better than nothing."

Thanks, mom

janiebee

@Catherine Combs@facebook My brother died this March. Going through Christmas ornaments (that we made as children, and which never get displayed anyway) this holiday season, my mum said, "I'm only keeping the ones from my dead children." And then asked if I wanted to keep mine. Which was a single ornament.

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