A Femme's Guide to Improvement: Caulking Your Disgusting Bathroom
This is not a judgment of you, your cleanliness, or your choice of cleaning products. Instead, consider it an appraisal of the ventilation your bathroom probably lacks. Maybe you don’t like keeping the window open because you’re paranoid about home invasions after watching one too many episodes of Dateline, maybe it rained relentlessly for a weekend, maybe you have a bunch of roommates, whatever. The point is, your bathroom failed to fully dry out for a few days in a row, and now, scrub and bleach as you may, you have mildew. Alternately, the contractor your landlord hired was lazy and botched everything and now cracks have appeared in the discount caulking s/he decided to use. Choose your own adventure, the ending is the same: You have to re-caulk.
“What? I don’t have a weekend to spare! I have brunches to drink and shopping to do!” Pfft. Clearly, you have been deceived by the DIY overlords, as this will take you 45 minutes, tops, and be a great outlet for any pent-up aggression you might have. 
You’ll need:
1. A can of silicone-based aerosol-type caulk (I used DAP Easy Caulk in white, as white always makes things look hyper-clean).
2. A caulk tool (you can get the type that’s just for applying, or the super-fancy applier AND remover).
3. A window scraper (which you can also use to, you know, clean paint off windows. Awesome).
No, you do not need a caulk gun. This is a myth, and nifty though a caulk gun sounds, it’s not. They’re a pain to use, and impossibly difficult if the caulk you use is at all dry. (Though they will give your arms a great workout, if that’s what you’re trying to do.) The gunless type of caulk is basically like Cheez Whiz. Waterproof Cheez Whiz for your house.
Step one: Wield that window scraper (which is like a boxcutter) with the handle above, rather than behind, the blade, and cut away all the old caulk, resting the blade against the tile or porcelain. You should be able to just pull the caulk away; use your scraper or remover to get at any stubborn bits.
At this point, the cat and dog might come by to inspect your work, while you enjoy your '90s radio station, which you put on in hopes of landing some vintage En Vogue action. Then your girlfriend might come by to note that you, stripping caulk while your cat watches and Melissa Etheridge sings about how she has razors rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’ her heart apart, are the biggest lesbian ever.
Accept this and move on to the next step, which is brushing and wiping away all the dust and debris. (A cleaning brush and paper towels are perfect for this.) Make sure everything’s nice and dry and clean. Dry is key, here, because that’s how this whole mess began, remember?
Use your window scraper to cut the tip off your can of caulk — if you use the type I did, you can remove the applicator tip before doing this, and then just stick it back on the can — at a 45-degree angle. I laid the tip flat on a cutting board and pushed the scraper blade into it from above. Just take the very tip off, making a small, small opening — you can remove more later if you need more flow. If you’ve used a traditional caulk/gun setup before, cut an even smaller tip than you think you’ll need: This type of caulk dispenses easily.
Drag the tip along the seam of whatever you’re sealing, applying pressure gently. Don’t worry if the can blows its load at first: This wipes up easily with a damp sponge or paper towel. (Ahem.) After your seams are caulked, run the smoothing tool over the caulk, pressing gently with your index finger.
That’s it. Really. Wipe up all the excess and let it dry. (Or, in caulk-speak, “cure.” Just like a ham.) If you have little excess bits here and there, know that you can cut them away easily with the scraper once they've dried to the touch, which will take about two hours in dry weather, more if it’s humid. (Don’t, obviously, do this if rain is in the forecast.) And you’re done! Now take a shower, you pig.
Previously: Home Ec 101.
Lucia Martinez reads too many old poems and tries to be a lady.
I had the pleasure of using a window scraper very recently. I never knew paint comes off glass so easily. It was one of those things that's really rewarding because there's results with minimal effort. I love those things.
@NeenerNeener
My friend is starting a business and I've been helping her renovate the space for the grand opening. I have scraped so much paint off windows (the previous tenants apparently loved that classic Paint On Windows look). Yes, I can definitely vouch for how ridiculously satisfying it is.
True story: I cleaned my radiator, Lucia caulked the tub, and then we met for brunch THE END.
@Jolie Kerr we have Issues, huh?
@Lucia Martinez Issues and Awesome Bathrooms, yes. I can live with that?
@Jolie Kerr This is probably not the best place for this BUT: I just went out for Duck Out for a Drink Day and we found QREEEEAAAM.
IT IS TERRIBLE.
can you caulk over the gross, old caulk if there is no mildew, but it is cracked? or do i need to invest in the window scraper deal?
also, my tiled shower wall has a gap between the tiles where there isn't anything between them. white tile, white grout… can i use caulk in between or will it be super noticeable?
@becky@twitter you can caulk over it, but it's better to remove it–and a window scraper costs $4, tops. if the gap is in a joint between walls–where there should be caulk–you can caulk. otherwise, you can get a little packet of grout and use that instead. mix it up, spread it on, wipe off the excess. easy peasy.
@Lucia Martinez yay! you are the best femme a pinner could ever have.
i was unaware that grout came in small quantities. i was scared i would have to invest in a large tub or something.
maybe i'll do this while waiting for the hurricane to blow past me!
I never even knew there was a "caulk tool"! My dad taught me to use a spoon or a wet finger, and I usually end up using both. But now I want a caulk tool.
I've also been thinking about re-grouting my shower. Can you teach us about that next? I've only done small touch-ups and was less than impressed with my results.
@punkahontas yes! grout saws! omg they are so fun–and if you use them really lightly, it'll whiten things down to the clean grout without needing to put on new stuff.
@Lucia Martinez Another tool I've never heard of! Sounds fascinating though. Thing is, there are pieces of the grout missing, so I want to fill in the holes, and in other places it's like it's worn away between the tile, so I thought I might need to give the whole thing a new layer of grout or something? I don't know. (What I REALLY want is a full bathroom remodel, but you know, recession, blah blah. That's not happening any time soon.)
@punkahontas : YES TO GROUT SAWS, omg. Also, I must disagree about the "caulk guns are lame" thing. I loooove mine. And not all types of caulk/sealant can easily be found in aerosolized cans, but they CAN all be found in the caulk-gun-requiring tubes. They do want to dribble sometimes right after you squeeze *cough* but a quick backtwist of the spring lever thing will prevent that.
@Lucia Martinez – I cannot say enough good things about grout saws. Which might speak to need to get a bit of a life? But seriously, just say grout saw, say it out loud! Yell it like you're Braveheart! The best.
Oh this is amazing! The caulk in our bathtub is disgustingly mildewed. Our house is old and the bathroom doesn't have any sort of ventilation so the bathtub gets moldy/mildewy pretty quick. I assumed the caulk was just a goner.
Lucia, how long should we wait for the caulk to dry?
@QuiteAimable it'll take about two hours to set in dry weather, more in damp. I'd maybe shower in the AM, caulk right after, and then leave it til the next morning, were I you.
@Lucia Martinez So it's okay to caulk if the tub and area are still wet/damp? That won't trap moisture in there?
@QuiteAimable well, no, you want to dry it off first, as per above. but, you know, give it an hour after showering if you've toweled things off and you should be fine.
@QuiteAimable : If your tub is super mildew-prone, might want to wipe down with a bleachy sponge, THEN dry, then recaulk. Also, leave your bathroom door open as much as possible! Keep a can of DampRid in there! Put a cute desktop fan, if there's room! And spritz down your tub/shower with an anti-mildew Tilex type thing after use. Anything to extend the time between each stripping/recaulking, because boy have I been in your black and mildewy shower shoes.
Oh, thank you for this! Once I tried to caulk over cracks by half-heartedly smearing it on with a q-tip. It did not work.
Can I make the first cock joke?
@friendshipcamel do it.
@Lucia Martinez Or you can just call me and I'll caulk all your cracks.
/shows self out.
@saythatscool *polite applause*
@Lucia Martinez It would only happen later and if we actually knew each other, at which time I would say, "You have some caulk on your [body part/clothing]" and crack up. Maybe this should have been Jolie's role?! I once worked at a radio station and had to put up all the soundproofing foam with caulk. The jokes were endless.
@friendshipcamel "Excuse me, where can I find some caulk…
guns"
/edited to also show self out
@lilly pilgrim Can I borrow your caulk?
I can't believe none of you have made "use protection when you play with caulk" jokes yet.
@friendshipcamel Well I have some old caulk lying around I didn't fini…
Oh, you meant-
@Lucia Martinez to say nothing of "Easy Caulk!" I briefly worked on my grandfathers construction crew, and men of ages 9 (hahaha OSHA WHO?) to 55 were all equally amused by caulk jokes.
And also, whenever anyone fell asleep, nail or staple gunning them to surfaces. Which ended up creating a lot of work, but still…one of the many reasons not to wear lose garments when doing carpentry.
@Lucia Martinez I also think some folks have already done the best work here unintentionally:
"…by half-heartedly smearing it on with a q-tip."
"My dad taught me to use a spoon or a wet finger, and I usually end up using both. But now I want a caulk tool."
@Lucia Martinez No but seriously, that white stuff gets on your hands and does not come off
@lilly pilgrim You can't get the caulk off?
@friendshipcamel I guess if there's white stuff on my hands, something has gotten off
my head keeps hitting my desk repeatedly. I'm going to Professor Thoms'.
@friendshipcamel I know, I seriously felt dirty saying the wet finger part, but a "finger dipped in water" didn't sound much better.
@punkahontas Caulkamamie!
I think the only thing left to say is that I'm glad this wasn't called A Femme's Guide to Caulk or something. I imagine that didn't make the cut for obvious reasons.
@friendshipcamel I enjoy how quickly this devolved into caulk/cock jokes.
@Megan Patterson@facebook I was surprised at how long it took.
"Is it dangerous- is it poisonous, in case the caulk gets in my mouth, in my eye….?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HteJ3MoDQNA
@Lucia Martinez NOOOOO why am I missing it and sitting at my desk instead? whywhywhyyyy.
@friendshipcamel When we redid our kitchen, we put in black laminate counters, which we caulked between. Imagine me walking through Lowes with my husband going, "We need black caulk. Where do you keep the black caulk? We need a big one." Best. Home improvement. Ever.
I need more caulk jokes to counteract my very bad mood.
@Lucia Martinez My new boyfriend is a handyman; now I get caulked every day!
@jen325 booooooooooooo hisssssssss
@Lucia Martinez Hey, you asked for caulk jokes!
@Lucia Martinez Said the water: "I tried to get all up in this nice little crack, but I got caulk-blocked."
@leon.saintjean yes!
@jen325 okay, I laughed. no booing or hissing.
@Lucia Martinez It's funnier if you know that my new boyfriend actually is a handyman by trade.
Still, @leon.saintjean's was 1000x better.
@Lucia Martinez only weighs 120, but 100 of that is caulk
If you are anal about straight lines (like me), you can use painter's tape on both sides of your caulk line before you apply, then just rip the tape off right after. This prevents later fixating on your uneven caulking every time you shower, not that I have ever done that.
@katerrific You and I have very different fixations about anal caulking.
@saythatscool Oh wow. Yeah, I did not give this a critical read-through before posting.
@katerrific Well, but uneven caulking is just SO inconsiderate.
I beg to differ on your choice of caulk according to the one you've pictured. Silicone-based, yes is a good choice but you want something that specifically says MILDEW RESISTANT. It's going to have scary words on it like that and "Mildewcide" (eep!) but it is the only caulk appropriate for areas that will deal with constant moisture. (here is a link to some contractors talking about which they like best http://www.contractortalk.com/f18/caulk-most-mildew-resistant-52563/ ) A really safe bet is to go with the higher-cost caulks or something used on boats (3M has a Marine Sealant Silicone) — look for something that is a Sealant as it will be formulated for high-moisture. However, (and please, this is not to burst your bubble, I LOVE that someone is teaching people about caulking in general), I prefer the method of pushing the applicator tip rather than pulling along the surface; air bubbles can form under the caulk that have moisture in them and you want to make sure the caulk goes down in the joint as well as just covering it.
Again, LOVE that you wrote the post, just trying to be helpful.
@Erin C@twitter you drag it along the surface, pushing gently as you go, otherwise nothing comes out.
anything else?
@Erin C@twitter Contractor Caulk Talk.
@Erin C@twitter: I am so turned on right now.
@Lucia Martinez: I think she means pushing the tube of caulk, instead of pulling the tube. In other words, the tube would be moving in the direction the tip is pointing.
@Hot mayonnaise: That is what I meant. Bad at words, this youngling is.
which works if you're using a gun, but not for a can like this one. also, if you'll read the label, you'll see the formula is mildew-resistant. I'll stop being in a bad mood now.
There's this thing that happens sometimes… women I'm not dating STILL manage to plan my weekend for me.
Seriously, though, thank you! I, too, am a handy-femme and this reminded me that the caulk in my bathroom is quite possibly what's keeping it from looking awesome all the time.
Will this work to re-seal the divider between the dry chamber and the cock…pit of my kayak, too? By which I mean, can I strip off the old caulk – ahem – and lay new caulk? Is caulk even the answer here, or is there something more durable and waterproof than caulk?
(No, really – is it okay to use on boats?)
@Xanthophyllippa you need marine-type caulk, which they have at bigger stores like lowes/home depot–stuff like this.
also I'm fascinated by those Flex Seal infomercials so if you wanna get a couple cans and make a mess and tell me about it that would be AWESOME.
@Lucia Martinez Thanks!! I'll give it a whirl and see what happens.
Question #2: Is marine-type caulk another name for seamen?
@Xanthophyllippa heh. heheheheheheh.
now i just want to caulk for the fun of it!…seriously
2 quibbles: 1) Mildew resistant caulk will change your life, and 2) wait 24 hours before getting the new caulk wet. It will not fully cure in 2 hours.
@heroicdestinysquad see above?
@Lucia Martinez: She said it will "dry to the touch" in two hours, whereby you can more easily remove unwanted bits.
@Hot mayonnaise
?nm realized that was for @heroicdestinysquad. am still rather slow this AM. ps were you at the pinup? did you get as tipsy as I did?@Lucia Martinez: Sorry about that. No, I wasn't there. I'm in the middle west.
This really could NOT come at a better time. Except for the hurricane that is threatening Boston with tons of rain and perhaps tornadoes. My apartment was previously inhabited my some weird frat boy-rhesus monkey hybrid and the bathroom is a war zone, despite repeated bleach attacks.
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: THE CAULK PICTURED IS A MILDEW-RESISTANT FORMULA AND SETS QUICKLY. THAT IS ALL.
I got this spray on stuff called ZEP mold and mildew remover from Home Depot for like $3 and it ROCKS MY WORLD. Totally toxic awful stuff but gave my bathroom a glamorous makeover with very little elbow grease necessary. Might be a useful thing for getting rid of the mildew before re-caulking.
Be sort of careful when using the scraping tool. My husband decided to recaulk our bathroom one weekend and then somehow he caused an enormous crack in the crappy plastic cove/wall of the bath area. This lead to having the entre thing replaced with some quality tile. We also found that the previous owners kind of did a shifty DIY job of installing the tub itself so we had to deal with that. A few thousand dollars later we have an awesome bath.
But don't be scared by caulk. Really.
@gfrancie caulking horror stories! I love them and want more.
So my building management's style is best described as "benevolent neglect" except sometimes the neglect isn't benevolent and it's just neglect. Which is how come when I moved two units down the hall to my current apartment they said I needed to keep using the shower in the old apartment for a week because they needed to recaulk the tub.
Except they never did it so when I gave up the keys to the new apartment and had to use the shower in the new one, all the water leaked behind the tub through the fucked up caulk, under the tub, and warped the (also cheap so no huge deal) wood floor.
And then they finally recaulked except as far as I can tell they did the shittiest job in the world because if I scrub around the edges of the tub with a rough sponge (even the teflon-safe kind) or a brush that shit peels RIGHT OFF. Is this because they used the cheapest, crappiest caulk money can buy? Should I recaulk?
Also I love you and I am buying a window scraper to scrape off all the paint those dipshits dribbled and smudged all over my bathroom mirrors when they repainted the bathroom without removing OR sufficiently covering them because they are cheap and lazy and fuck them.
@every tomorrow@twitter oof sorry for the late reply! yes! recaulk! they used shitty shit and never let it cure completely, which is why it's doing that.
also, scraping paint is seriously one of the most gratifying things ever.
What about recaulking a kitchen sink? Like where it meets the laminate counter? The (very little) cabinetry in my apartment was installed rather haphazardly, so every time I do dishes, it pools on the counter and both leaks under the sink and runs down the cabinets and continues to warp the laminate wood flooring (which was already severely warped and covered by a runner when we moved in and is seriously the stupidest flooring choice for a kitchen ever…and also for a bathroom, where it also exists).
Is it basically the same process? Or do I need to lift the sink? Should I just call my father and add it to the list of things for him to do?
@Cory #2 same process! I did the same thing when I did the bathroom. you can get white or clear caulk for this–just check at the store and get whichever will go best with your decor. (if you go clear, you might need to get a caulk gun, but it's not super complicated.)
This is outstanding, thank you – I need to re-caulk my bathroom of my house as I've recently decided to use it as a rental property. Could you possibly post or give advice to the best way to regrout tiles? I live in Houston and the mildew is just rampant in there. Can I just grout over the existing grout or is there some stripping that is necessary?
@Trotter Roller@twitter okay, so: grout saws. it's like a nail file for your grout, which is the best thing ever if you're just looking for a refresh. you can clean off the old gunk and then grout over it, if you even have to.
Additionally, I have a request for a Handy Femme post: The previous owner of my place committed the cardinal of painting sins and covered the existing cabinetry in the kitchen which was originally painted in oil based paint with water based paint. In the 5 years I've lived there the paint has peeled excessively and just looks horrible. Something has to be done. Is there an easy and non-toxic fumey way to take the water-based paint off? I had a contractor in there and he was going to charge $1K to strip and re-paint. I would really rather save the cash and do it myself. All I need to do is get the water-based paint off and then I can paint oil-based paint over the existing oil-based paint. Any suggestions??
I just tend to use stripper in a well-ventilated area, or–and this is where I'm a glutton for punishment–scrape/sand it off by hand using a paint knife. (I know.)