1. Bringing bundling equipment. These crazy kids are ready for the big time!
2. Any commentary, however well-intentioned, on the shade of the bride's dress. Potential amnesty granted if you can work in an allusion to Herman Melville's "The Whiteness of the Whale."
3. Showing up in your TARDIS during the toasts to steal the bride for an intergalactic Dalek-fighting adventure, while simultaneously dropping off a bulky gift at the reception itself instead of sending it to the designated address. No one appreciates that!
4. Providing your own, angry sing-a-long to Pachelbel's Canon in D, should the bridal couple opt for a different processional.
5. Any of the following gifts: an original Israeli Epilady from 1986, a heavily-annotated copy of Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the gift of song, or anything baby-apparel-related, with or without a card that says: "...soon enough!"
6. Dresses that strike the perfect balance between prim-on-top, fun-on-bottom while you are stationary, but have never been test-driven while drunk and mobile.
7. Grabbing the mike and trying to get your ex-boyfriend to come up and sing "No Children" with you unless the mood is exactly right.
8. Eyeballing the available exits while referencing the Cocoanut Grove fire.
9. Eyeballing the available exits while referencing the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.
10. Eyeballing the available exits while referencing the Station nightclub fire.
11. Offering an excerpt from your favorite Bret Easton Ellis novel in lieu of the assigned passage from Corinthians.
12. Trying to "turn" the priest during the reception. (Classier route: get his number on the pretext of needing to book a christening.)
13. Inviting George Soros without putting him at the kids' table in a gesture of female solidarity.
14. Showing up with a tub of homemade room-temperature mayo-based potato salad in your purse, which you then sneak onto the buffet so that "guests who don't like that hummus-stuff" have other options.
15. Jordan Almonds. Nasty.
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