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Friday, August 19, 2011

71

15 No-No's at a Wedding

1. Bringing bundling equipment. These crazy kids are ready for the big time!

2. Any commentary, however well-intentioned, on the shade of the bride's dress. Potential amnesty granted if you can work in an allusion to Herman Melville's "The Whiteness of the Whale."

3. Showing up in your TARDIS during the toasts to steal the bride for an intergalactic Dalek-fighting adventure, while simultaneously dropping off a bulky gift at the reception itself instead of sending it to the designated address. No one appreciates that!

4. Providing your own, angry sing-a-long to Pachelbel's Canon in D, should the bridal couple opt for a different processional.

5. Any of the following gifts: an original Israeli Epilady from 1986, a heavily-annotated copy of Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the gift of song, or anything baby-apparel-related, with or without a card that says: "...soon enough!"

6. Dresses that strike the perfect balance between prim-on-top, fun-on-bottom while you are stationary, but have never been test-driven while drunk and mobile.

7. Grabbing the mike and trying to get your ex-boyfriend to come up and sing "No Children" with you unless the mood is exactly right.

8. Eyeballing the available exits while referencing the Cocoanut Grove fire.

9. Eyeballing the available exits while referencing the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.

10. Eyeballing the available exits while referencing the Station nightclub fire.

11. Offering an excerpt from your favorite Bret Easton Ellis novel in lieu of the assigned passage from Corinthians.

12. Trying to "turn" the priest during the reception. (Classier route: get his number on the pretext of needing to book a christening.)

13. Inviting George Soros without putting him at the kids' table in a gesture of female solidarity.

14. Showing up with a tub of homemade room-temperature mayo-based potato salad in your purse, which you then sneak onto the buffet so that "guests who don't like that hummus-stuff" have other options.

15. Jordan Almonds. Nasty.



Sponsored by Whitney. Series Premiere, Thursday, September 22 at 9:30/8:30c on NBC.

Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor, advertisers do not produce the content. This post is brought to you by Whitney on NBC.

71 Comments / Post A Comment

lil_bobbytables

I would agree with all of these, but I take objection to #3. That is clearly the BEST way to show up to a wedding.

backstagebethy

@lil_bobbytables So true.

fondue with cheddar

@lil_bobbytables That would have been COMPLETELY acceptable at the last wedding I attended.

you're a kitty!

@jen325 Oh man, the one I just went to, too! http://andrezel.tumblr.com/post/8761909012/a-very-who-wedding

LornaLoo

Also, don't surprise the bride by hiring these guys:

http://www.thosefunnylittlepeople.com/

and scheduling them to show up DURING dinner service and perform 6 songs worth of material.

This happened at the wedding I worked last weekend. The venue owner (a very classy, modern space) said it was the tackiest thing he had ever seen at a wedding ever.

frigwiggin

@LornaLoo That's, um...wow. Those would give me nightmares for days.

DrFeelGood

@LornaLoo WOW. Who ordered them?! Jealous ex-boyfriend? Saboteurs?! I love how even in the promo videos onlookers are like WTF.

LornaLoo

@DrFeelGood I think it was the bride's Mother... it was so absurd. As they were prepping for their entrance, I was shouldering a giant tray of entrees and they started closing off the dinner/dancing area. I asked her to get through, as I had food for the other 125 guests, and she said, "can you wait? We have a performance coming through and once that is over you can get back to whatever it is you're doing."

Say what? Six songs later they were still twirling around with their arms out and I muscled through to serve my tables.

City_Dater

@LornaLoo

Imagine not finding out until your wedding day that you've married into a family that thinks something like this is appropriate/amusing/a viable entertainment option.

LornaLoo

@City_Dater I think they knew what they were getting into. Both families were full of first-generation Russian-Americans with all the eccentricities that go along with that, such as, the fact that the DJ played Mambo #5 and everyone LOVED it.

That being said, bride and groom were sweet people, who had good contemporary love songs chosen for the processional into the ceremony (The Luckiest by Ben Folds, and She by Elvis Costello).

They were at the mercy of their quirky families in some aspects, but also seemed to be very at peace with it.

punkahontas

@LornaLoo I went to a wedding and the bride's father hired AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR to surprise her. The bride was an event-planner by trade, and YOU DO NOT SURPRISE AN EVENT PLANNER ON HER WEDDING DAY. After the first couple of songs, she grabbed me and we spent the rest of his "perfomance" at the bar so she could quietly freak the fuck out. I have to hand it to her for holding it together though.

LornaLoo

@punkahontas ACK! That's super tacky! And yes, we were the caterer/event planner, and their timeline was jacked from the beginning, which caused a lot of stress on our part, and confusion on the guest's part.

Eventually we had to let the event just control us, and go along for the ride. The funny little people were at the point where my entire crew of people, including the lead and planner of the event, just finally ditched the oars and went downstream. It was mayhem!

punkahontas

@LornaLoo Ugh. Just be happy it wasn't YOUR wedding day, I guess.

ohgodtheglitter

@punkahontas I'm an event planner and I approve this statement. That scenario instills in me a fear so cold it burns.

Mad props to your friend for handling it so well. I don't think I would have made it to the bar before lighting myself on fire.

ohgodtheglitter

@LornaLoo I don't even...what the hell?

Decca

@LornaLoo hey hey hey nobody called for this Mambo #5 bashing, okay?

Slutface

This came just in time for the "Royal Wedding" this weekend!

parallel-lines

Giving the couple a sheet with a hole it in. If they get upset, put it over your head and tell them you're a one eyed ghost.

Megasus

11 and 12 are my favourites.

DrFeelGood

I saw commercials for "Whitney" and thought hmm sassy lady comedian, I have to check her out! Then I watched 5 minutes of her stand up, ugh, she's just Dane Cook with a vagina.

Ideal Impulse

@DrFeelGood I saw comercials for Whitney, and thought, "Wow, I'm so glad Yoanna from Season 2 of America's Next Top Model is getting work!"

frigwiggin

I love Jordan almonds and will brook no slander against them! Good day, ma'am.

Lucienne

@figwiggin Do you like marzipan, too? Because we might be soul mates!

Or palate-mates, anyway.

backstagebethy

@figwiggin I also am not opposed to Jordan Almonds because they have a strangely satisfying mouthfeel.

@lucienne Can't do marzipan though, despite the fact that it looks like I should love it, all cutely molded and colored.

frigwiggin

@Lucienne Why yes, in fact! Any confection involving almonds pretty much has me at first taste.

Marzipan

@Lucienne Did someone call me?

Lucienne

"No Children" is going to be my first dance, though.

ba-na-nas

@Lucienne "In Spite of Ourselves" by John Prine is gonna be my first dance, but "No Children" will have to figure in at some point. Perhaps a singalong later in the evening.

amirite

@Lucienne My boyfriend and I want to do this except... we're not getting married. Also it would make my mom very sad.

Lucienne

@amirite Mine too, which is why my purely hypothetical first dance for my purely hypothetical wedding is probably gonna be something like "Storybook Love."

Bebe

@bluesuedeshoes Aw, my first wedding dance was a John Prine song! Of course, I kept threatening that it would be "You Don't Own Me" because I am twisted and thought it would be funny.

JanetSnakehole

Number 6 is my specialty. Number 9 is my mother's (see also, narrating a walk across the hoover dam with, "If this thing collapsed, and we ran now, we might make it back to land... mayyyybe not now... ok, now we'd definitely die.")

cosmia

@JanetSnakehole YOUR NAME AND USER PIC ARE PERFECTION. Does your husband keep you in the finest clothes from Bergdorf-Goodman's?

JanetSnakehole

@cosmia You think I haven't been around the world? I've been everywhere, dahhling, I'm a very wealthy woman.

mczz

Re #10: I'm getting married in two weeks and my venue is a quarter mile from the former site of the Station. That is all.

Tuna Surprise

@mczz
Please don't set off an indoor fireworks show in memory.

Barry Grant

@Tuna Surprise "Please don't set off an indoor fireworks show in memory."
Went to a reception once where sparklers were given out to all the guests. Let it be known that even in a high-ceilinged hall, dozens of sparklers will create a robust inversion layer in the room.

And then there was the joint in the parking lot, unknown to me that it was laced with junk from an old friend's supposedly ex-junkie husband. blerg

Bebe

Oh, the gift of song. Or interpretive dance. In the middle of the reception, without running it past the bride and groom first. Happens more than you would think....

amirite

But it's definitely okay to show up in your TARDIS if you look handsome in a tux and your awkward dancing will entertain and charm everyone. *sigh*

Megasus

@amirite There is definitely a subset of people who would be totally psyched if this happened at their wedding. I know several.

HereKitty

Pro tip regarding No. 2: NEVER say the word "whale" within a half-mile of a less-than-100%-cool-calm-and-collected bride.

Tuna Surprise

11. is spot on. I prefer to start my toasts to the groom with "You are not the kind of guy who would be at a place like this...''

cherrispryte

Well this is good because it is not like Jordan Almonds have any sort of traditional significance in certain cultures or anything. They are nasty. That is way more important!!!

BlushAndBashful

@cherrispryte What is their traditional significance, and to what culture? Genuinely curious, I'm a clueless Jew here!!

Bebe

@BlushAndBashful Not sure if this is right, but my (half) Italian mother claims there are reasons - her family always puts 5 almonds in those little net thingies, and each one represents something - love, prosperity - that sort of thing. Not sure what they represent exactly but I know for sure at least one has something to do with "go make more Italian babies NOW."

bashe

@cherrispryte & BlushAndBashful & Bebe It is a thing! Also something about the core of life being bitter (the almond), but love & marriage being the sweetness (the candy coating) that makes it bearable. Okay, that's kind of depressing. And marzipan is still disgusting.

msmsms

@cherrispryte Hating on Jordan almonds is relatively standard fare; I don't think Nicole intended to be culturally insensitive. To meet your Cliffe-bashing quota, perhaps you should have accused her of being trite?

Unaccompanied Lady

@cherrispryte Are there any wedding traditions that were once meaningful and have NOT been made trite and cliche?

rabidcarrot

@BlushAndBashful How precious is this weddin' gonna get, I ask you. (Uh, that is a Steel Magnolia reference not a Jordan-almonds-controversy side-taking.)

Rebecca Stokes@facebook

awww, my senior prom date would've sung No Children with me - too bad he died in the Station fire! Annnnd 'Whitney' is on the don't watch list.

Michael J. Levy

What if you're officiating a friend's wedding, do these all still apply?

theharpoon

@Michael J. Levy No, then you get to do whatever you want. Let us know how it goes!

joie

@Michael J. Levy just don't make the mistake I did when officiating a wedding and forget to tell the guests to be seated for the ceremony after the bride enters. I was halfway through reading my homily and realized that everyone was still standing with fixed smiles on their faces, and I thought "holy shit, i'm in charge of this wedding and they are actually listening to me!!!" it was...awkward. luckily the bride and groom thought it was hilarious and still mention it, 3 happily married years later.

SarahP

#6 should have a #6a where you just replace the word "dresses" with "shoes."

Tulletilsynet

Pachelbel's Canon is a wedding processional in America?

SarahDances

@Tulletilsynet Next to the Wagner wedding march, I'd say it's probably the most common processional song used. And probably the most common in weddings where Wagner is a no-no (e.g., Jewish weddings). Based strictly on anecdotal evidence and not a shred of anything else.

hallu

My dad gave us the gift of song. It thankfully wasn't No Children, but it was very beautiful. He is a professional singer though.

anonymass

Who else feels this way about (NBC's) Whitney:

You are absolutely positive it won't really be funny but want to watch it out of some misplaced but uncanny sense of camaraderie?

rabidcarrot

@anonymass I want to watch it out of some misplaced sense of wanting to yell "you don't represent me!!!"

Spinsterlicious@twitter

#2. Really? C'mon. It's fun to speculate on what a white dress means to HER!
-The Spinsterlicious Life

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