Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Things a Psychic Told My Girlfriend (According to My Therapist)

“I sense that someone is interfering with your aura, preventing it from shining as blindingly as it might. On the surface, all seems in order, but don’t be fooled. Look inside and the source of this karmic disruption will reveal itself. Could it be that it’s someone you’ve been involved with romantically? No matter how well-adjusted a person seems, or how much inner growth he’s achieved recently, the man in your life could be a viper in the bush, laying in wait — if you’re caught unawares, the attack can be deadly.”

“For how long have you kept your spirit confined when it’s starved for adventure and your heart yearns to sing? You and your almost preternaturally 'together' partner may have roots in the community, but these roots are like so many shackles on the Amistad of your essence — another city beckons! Perhaps one that is far, far away. When you arrive where your chakra has always secretly dreamt of living — Los Angeles — the many splendid wonders will wash over your eyes like a baptism. I can see you packing your things into cardboard boxes, and you are more than alive… you are on fire. Metaphysically speaking.”

“Ah, it appears that I’ve drawn The Hanged Man tarot card. That would be Odin, the Norse god who hung from the World Tree for nine days, earning sacred knowledge of the Runes. He has absolutely nothing to do with the colloquial definition of a ‘hung’ man, however, and by no means suggests the men in your future will be any more skilled at pleasuring you than your current partner, despite your very healthy and normal curiosity toward meeting new gentlemen.”

“Trust is like a muscle that needs regular exercise if it is to grow and flourish. To fully strengthen the bond between you and your partner, you must relentlessly put that trust to the test. Although he may have recently gotten closure on certain abandonment issues regarding the weekday nanny who stood in for his mother, that is no reason to believe that your lover is trust worthy. Always question what he claims is the truth. Sometimes it may not be so truthful after all, the things that he says. The password on his Gmail account will bring proof of such.”

“Global climate change is a myth. Further scrutiny will reveal inconsistencies in the research. I can see that someone in your life firmly believes otherwise, and you would do well to challenge him on that at every opportunity, as lively debate can vastly enrich one’s chi.”

“If anyone among your circle — anyone at all, really — happens to be working weekends lately, that person may be avoiding you. By the divine power of the amethyst crystals, I see that someone very close to you is really burning the candle at both ends, so to speak. This may be because he does not understand you, rather than as part of a coordinated effort at self-actualization. In any case, the issue of spending enough time together has nothing to do with thrice-weekly early evening visits to a highly credentialed specialist who is also reasonably priced.”

“The time will soon come when you cease denying your creative energy and pursue the career you’ve always desired — you are fated to be an actress! Exploring your flair for the dramatic will unlock the happiness you’ve always sensed lurking beneath the uncertainty within. When you’re doing what you truly want to be doing, it’s never really 'work.' I’m not working right now, for example, I’m merely showing my lovely friend the enchanted future that awaits in following her bliss. Worry not for the material things made possible by your 9 to 5 prison sentence. You were meant to be an actress and so shall fate provide. But you will realize that dream only once you begin to indulge all emotional urges, allowing them to pour forth like an unstoppable geyser in the cool of the evening.”

“By the time your soul enters the thirtieth year in its current host body, you will have delivered a beautiful child into the universe. It is only natural to be consumed with a screaming, tormented uncertainty about whether your current partner will make an appropriate helpmeet for childrearing. I cannot see clearly what the father looks like in your case, but I’m sensing it isn’t someone with less 'me-work' to do than your very recent ex-boyfriend.”

Previously: Mr. Darcy Might Have LOL-ed.

Joe Berkowitz is just trying to get a handle on things, you know?

Photo via Flickr

34 Comments / Post A Comment


I'm sorry buuuuut...I really can't figure this post out! I think perhaps the silent mass of commenters is in the same boat?


@HunnyBee I love it, I just don't have anything to say about it.


@HunnyBee I mean, this: "In any case, the issue of spending enough time together has nothing to do with thrice-weekly early evening visits to a highly credentialed specialist who is also reasonably priced.” doesn't get you?


@HunnyBee Yeah. I couldn't bring myself to just write, "huh"? I mean, I get this is tarot card advice, to a woman or wimmens plural, telling her to dump someone, presumably a loosely fictionalized version of the author... but the therapist? Is the therapist telling the speaker that this is what the pyschic told the girlfriend? Why is...I can't even.


@E I like to think of it like this:
Therapist: You should do some thought exercises to help you to get over the pain of being left for LA and some actor-type dude by your ex-girlfriend.
Joe: I like that idea. She liked having her fortune told. I am going to blame the tarot card reader. Also this can be a writing exercise.
Therapist: OK, good, you are focusing on your hobby. This is progress. Bye.

Or something similar? But you're right, the therapist angle is weird.


@juliannasays what about, “By the time your soul enters the thirtieth year in its current host body, you will have delivered a beautiful child into the universe." That one I REALLY can't parse. She's pregnant. With his child, but she wants a different father for it? It's a future prediction baby...I don't understand.

So in summary, dear author. I'm sorry you were dumped. Sounds like you guys had some things not in common. I guess you don't want to play the free tarot from this site?


I take it as "My therapist says I did nothing wrong/there's nothing wrong with me/my girlfriend was crazy to leave."


@E Oh, I read that part as the ex wants to have a kid by age 30 but she can't see her reproducing with the dude.


@juliannasays I think your interpretation makes sense, thanks for the elucidation!

P.S. Are you the author's therapist? Because that would be an interesting twist...


@HunnyBee Bahahahahha! Therapist-client privilege! (Jokes aside, no, I am not anyone's therapist.)


Yeah, I was worried that I was being thick or something; glad to know it's not just me. I think this needs some kind of addendum or footnote for context rather than a confusing title? Because I don't know if this is supposed to be funny or sad or bitter or mocking (or some combination thereof), and I feel that some clarification might help us talk about the content rather than parsing for intent.


@ilikemints I'm with you there.


But can we maybe just take this space to talk about how therapy is awesome and more people should do it? (Although I had to cut back due to lack of affordability so blah now I feel like some privileged upper crust yahoo who is like well why can't you just do X thing that costs so much money?!)

But really. My friends aren't super available to be leaned on for advice/emotional support, and as well they wouldn't necessarily be able to provide reliable or unbiased advice anyways. I really like having a safe space to cry for an hour and talk about how I have so many feelings.

< /rambling tangential post, as per usual >


Yeah, that's...that's probably not the best space to talk about that.


@melis Clearly! Welp, too late to delete it now!


Oh well, I guess I'm the only person who likes this. What can I say, psychics crack me up.

Edith Zimmerman

@theharpoon I love it too.


@theharpoon It's not that I found the content unamusing, I was just befuddled by the role of the therapist (if any). So I think that befuddlement rained on my lols.


@HunnyBee I guess I was ignoring that part? I often just bypass things that don't make sense to me. My life is very simple.


@HunnyBee Now that I'm thinking about it more, I like the idea of the psychic and the therapist fighting with each other using Joe and his girlfriend as proxies.


@theharpoon Yes. I'd like to see one where the therapist and the astrologer go to coffee without their clients and try to fix their lives, but argue! That would be epic.


@theharpoon No, I really like this. A lot.


@theharpoon I think that's the best interpretation of the kinda odd title. DUKE IT OUT DO IT.

sarah girl

Similar to redheadedandcrazy, can we also use this space to talk about BAD therapists? I just finally got up the nerve to break things off with my ok-but-not-great therapist, and she went totally passive-aggressive on me and basically accused me of therapist-hopping, and said that by leaving at this point I was essentially a failure.

Also, hilariously, I had just told her I was nervous about asserting my needs with her because I was worried she would get offended (like, if I didn't agree with her methods or something), and she assured me she wouldn't be! AND THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER GOT OFFENDED.

So yeah, The Best Time My Therapist Called Me A Failure And I Cried in the Car the Whole Way Home. But also, fuck her, for real.


@Sarah H. That is awful! I hope you have a new therapist who is not an asshole now?



Aw :( I hate hearing bad therapist stories, it's like HOW DID YOU END UP AS A THERAPIST IF YOU ARE THAT WAY?!

Guess what! You're allowed to therapist hop if you don't like the one you're with. Because it's your money! To spend on services as you desire!

I also hope you have a new therapist who is not an asshole.


@Sarah H. Awwww! I'm sorry that happened! My first therapist was an intern, and I felt like she was confused by my issues (social anxiety). She just wanted me to talk about how it made me feel. I was like, Shitty! If I felt great about it, I wouldn't be here! I ended up going to a new therapist who reminds me so much of Jane Lych I half expect her to start wearing track suits and just yell at me, but she's actually really nice and awesome! We need therapists who don't make us feel worse about things.

I hope you found a good therapist!


@Sarah H. Wow, that therapist is a terrible therapist. Good therapists tend to get a pretty big kick out of seeing patients progress, not being mean to them and taking shit personally.

sarah girl

@ilikemints @redheadedandcrazy @Smartypants @wharrgarbl Thanks for the well-wishes, all <3

I don't have a new therapist yet, since this was just last week! But I'm looking. And yeah, she was weird in that she was really invested in this Book she'd written and this Therapy Method she'd developed, and running Workshops on it and shit like that; I think she was offended that I kind of called bullshit on her whole deal, but really, it wasn't that helpful to me!

And yeah, it's ridiculous that she'd make me feel bad about it. I am paying for her services!! I am under no obligation to continue with her; hell, I could have just not scheduled another appointment and disappeared into the mist.

Whatever. It's done now, I learned lessons, onwards and upwards, etc.!


So what you're saying is that when you meet your friend's new wiccan boyfriend who said he had a tarot reading he was conflicted about it's a red flag?


Important information have present in this site but i thought should be clarify it's more.

Rebekah Chapman

"Fate will provide." Wise words. This article is hysterical.


I got a kick out of this. Hope it helped you get a handle on things, you know?

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