The Modern Meanings of Flowers

Red roses: “I’ve been thinking about you, and what I think is I want to put my thing in your things and then I want to turn you around and put my thing in your other things. But I want you to be OK about this, OK?”

Carnations: “I knew I had to buy you flowers, but I didn’t think you were worth spending a lot of money on.”

Daisies: “I think you’re innocent, like an eight-year-old girl, and that’s what I’m attracted to in a woman.”

Orchid: “I want to intimidate you with my fabulous wealth, while discovering whether or not you can keep something alive on your own.”

Stargazer Lilies: “I’m not saying your apartment smells like something died in it. I’m just saying you should mask the weird odor in your living room with the same fragrance that funeral homes use to cover up the stench of the dead.”

Mums: “I saw these on sale outside KMart and remembered you were middle aged. Damn, you make elastic waistbands look good.”

Peonies: “I am a man of breeding and therefore understand the importance of making every other woman in your office jealous of you.”

Hydrangeas: “I’m gay.”

Calla Lilies: “I saw these and thought of your vagina. Pretty, right?”

Gladiolas: “These will look really nice in your sitting room at the nursing home. Please die soon so I can inherit your 1996 Saturn.”

Sunflowers: “I am enraptured by your sunny disposition and how as a hippie you never seem to wear a bra.”

Tulips: “I have done something very wrong and I hope that you will never find out about it, because I want to keep putting my thing in your things.”

Mixed bunch: “I want you to let me put my thing in your things, but I don’t have a steady job.”

A Corsage: “I’m in high school, and I want to put my thing in someone’s things and I guess your things will do. Also, my mom bought this. Can I please put my sweaty hand on your things?”

Meghan O’Keefe is a comedian and writer living in New York City. She likes to get peach colored roses, because they’re like less-aggressive red roses.

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