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Thursday, July 7, 2011

362

Let's Just All Talk About the Things That Bug Us About Harry Potter

...so we can embrace the final movie with clear consciences. I'll start!

Why is Harry still constantly amazed that things are magical? "Wow, the wedding tent gets raised by a bunch of us with wands!" "You can fit so many things into that backpack, Hermione!"

Why are the books about Harry, who has all this money and these random magical trinkets people give him all the time for being famous through no achievement of his own, and not Hermione, who is the brainy child of two Muggle dentists and doesn't even have a goddamn owl?

Why is Ron so pissy all the time, and also unattractive?

Why is Hermione saddled with Unattractive Pissy Ron for life, instead of being a cool lesbian or getting with some super-studly international Quidditch champion?

Why are the most recent movies shot with such insufficient lighting that you can't even make out who's speaking if you watch it on a plane and one person has their shade up?

Why are we so old now, and why does it all have to end?

362 Comments / Post A Comment

becky@twitter

why have there been at least two harry potter related posts on the hairpin in the past 10 days?

laseñorarobinson

@becky@twitter
hater.

jk.

maybe because of the infinite possibilities for hilarious, slightly ironic quips like, "Why is Hermione saddled with Unattractive Pissy Ron for life, instead of being a cool lesbian..." that mask some deeper, true life wisdom. (JUST LIKE THE BOOKS!!!)

Lucienne

Why doesn't Hogwarts throw some literature in with the magic? Writing skills? Philosophy? Legit history classes?

Wizarding education bothers me a lot.

Quinciferous

@Lucienne Funding cuts to the humanities explains so much, including why Hogwarts is now being run as a technical school.

annepersand

@Lucienne You and I are the same. There is nothing wrong with a vocational education but when there don't even seem to be other options... I mean, Hermione! Come on, if there was ever a girl designed for graduate education it was her.

lady-b

@Lucienne No Wizard Left Behind
http://arbesman.net/blog/2010/11/07/no-wizard-left-behind/

fantod

@Lucienne Exactly! So somehow a ten year old's grasp of math and english is sufficient to understand potions and latin? Do the non-muggles just get homeschooled until they're shipped off to the only school in England? How are they able to function at all?!

Lucienne

@annepersand I know! Even if it is magical grad school, it's still clearly the perfect place for her. Plus, the vocational education is basically the same for everyone! It's like sending everyone to school for engineering. Sure, you get a wide variety of engineers but . . .

And no wonder they have so many problems with Purebloods and Muggleborns, since no one even tries to correct the thinking that supports that kind of conflict.

How does the Wizarding World function? And why do I spend so much time worrying about this? Oh, my wasted adolescence.

@lady-b That other people worry about this both reassures and disturbs me.

Gnatalby

@annepersand I was surprised Hermione didn't choose to take time off to go to Muggle college, actually. It seems like they could have used magic to get her a fake GED or whatever they have in England and she has Muggle parents so she wouldn't be cocking it up like Mr. Weasley.

anonymass

@Lucienne
There should also maybe be a Hogwarts Communications major, full of slacker and jock wizards that are scoffed at by other young wizards.

lil_bobbytables

Why does Tonks not get to do anything in the movies?

insouciantlover

RON IS NOT UNATTRACTIVE

cherrispryte

@insouciantlover STRONGLY SECONDED.

Edith Zimmerman

@insouciantlover Watson > Grint > [most people] > Radcliffe

Chiara Atik@twitter

@Edith Zimmerman did you see equus.

SBGBlogs

@insouciantlover THIRDED.

Also, what the hell? Does EVERYONE hate Ron but me????

elysian fields

@insouciantlover my friend dated three redheads in a row and blamed it on a childhood obsession with Ron Weasley

punkahontas

I feel like they're all getting more attractive as they get older. Even the Weasley twins!

Three redheads in a row is just crazy though.

thebestjasmine

@insouciantlover EXACTLY. Step off Ron Weasley. Ron is AWESOME.

honeybadger

@punkahontas i agree. the weasley twins got hot all of a sudden. i had to do a double take.
get it? double take? har harrrrr

pk
pk

@insouciantlover OH YES HE IS.

Monkey

@honeybadger Not as hot as Neville suddenly got when they're not making him wear his awful prosthetic buck teeth. I would cougar right out on that shit.

hungrybee

@insouciantlover The Weasleys are hot. Fact.

Ophelia

@punkahontas three redheads in a row = awesome!

Tragically Ludicrous

@Monkey Neville's sudden hotness is the most startling. Like, I can get that the twins would be hot, because I thought they were going to be like, at the first time I saw them (I like redheads), but Neville?

punkahontas

@Ophelia How can you even FIND that many redheads?
Actually, I know two, but they have been my friends forever, so NO.

Also, honeybadger wants to "double-take" the Weasleys! LOL.

honeybadger

@Tragically Ludicrous i wonder what epilogue Neville will look like. I like to picture him as some grayed, dashing George Clooney-like fellow that all the young students fall in love with.

Ophelia

@punkahontas actually, weirdly, I once was on a street corner with three other redheads - we all kind of looked at each other and you could tell we were all thinking "oh, crap, is it the apocalypse?"

SuperMargie

@insouciantlover I know!!! Why all the Weasley scorn? I hit anyone of the boys in that family! (and probably Ginny,too!)

punkahontas

@Ophelia Maybe redheads magnetize to each other? It seems like a real possibility.

elysian fields

@insouciantlover actually I (a redhead) lived with two other redheads last year. I think we just magically find each other. Also, there are more of us than you think.

Xanthophyllippa

@SBGBlogs: Yes. We ALL hate Ron.

annepersand

Why does there appear to be nothing like college or graduate school or any institutions of higher education? Why is there no Wizarding music that isn't rock bands or art that isn't portraiture of famous people or fiction?*

Basically kid me would have loved the wizarding world but I think adult me would find it really boring and that makes adult me sad because it's not MY fault my admissions letter to Hogwarts was delayed across the ocean for 13 years, it's probably some sort of citizenship-related hangup.

*Obviously all of these things could exist but why haven't we heard about them is what I'm saying.

Lucienne

@annepersand Oh hey, Harry Potter soulmate.

martinipie

@annepersand gahhh the lack of school before or beyond Hogwarts always made me crazy, too!

@martinipie: Hermione points toward the success of K-8 muggle education, so Deatheaters are therefore sort of like the homeschooling fundies?

scully

@annepersand YES! I mean how did Dumbledore get so, so wise without some sort of higher education?! Rowling really wiffed on not creating some sort of Oxbridge/Uni of Edinburgh type campus that could have sustained a 'Harry Potter, the College Years' type of series. With sex! and alcohol!

backstagebethy

@annepersand Don't forget about Celestina Warbeck, the Singing Sorceress. I always assumed she was more of a Carly Simon than a Joan Jett.

scully

@backstagebethy Dionne Warwick?

RK Fire

@annepersand: When do wizards and witches learn the finer points of painting and other arts, anyway? Clearly they aren't getting it from Hogwarts. Or is there a spell for that?

Also: "there's a spell for that" = "there's an app for that"?

Harriet Welch M@facebook

@annepersand There is though! Before they meet with McGonagall to discuss their futures they get pamphlets that tell you how much more specialized schooling they have to take for that job.
I mean...at least that's what I heard...you know, from someone that spends a lot of time thinking about this sort of thing instead of writing a term paper.

DH@twitter

WHY DOES TONKS--

Well. You know.

annierebekah

@DH@twitter :'(

shannonmkennedy@twitter

How many times did I write out my own admission letter... IN EMERALD INK!?!?!

I was far too old for that to be cute instead of pathetic.

DH@twitter

@shannonmkennedy@twitter

My mom still has some of the S.P.E.W. badges my cousin and I made when we were...oh, definitely too old for it to be cute.

Luckier

@shannonmkennedy@twitter & @DH@twitter I am so insanely jealous that both of you got to experience the whole Hogwarts thing as kids. I would have totally been waiting for my owl & letter if I'd been 13 during the Potter era.

theinvisiblecunt

Why does powerful headmaster dumbledore wizard let a little girl use a time turner to surpass her credit hour per semester limit but keep it stuffed away in a magical Pocket Of Let's Just Forget About This Shit during the entire rest of the epic struggle against wizard fascists

shannonmkennedy@twitter

@theinvisiblecunt Temporal Prime Directive, duh.

SpruceBringsteen

@theinvisiblecunt spectacular.

Alexandra Martell

@theinvisiblecunt all the time turners got destroyed in the fifth book when they go to the ministry. Why do I know this.

MollyculeTheory

@theinvisiblecunt They smashed all of the time turners during the fight in the Order of the Phoenix book (why do I know that whyyyy).

thebestjasmine

@aliemartell I do too, I was just going to respond in kind until I saw your comment!

MollyculeTheory

@aliemartell Hahaha jinx squared.

theinvisiblecunt

@aliemartell, leaving five whole books worth of time for someone old enough (here's looking at you, dumbles) to grab one and strategically smother a couple of burgeoning sociopaths in their infancy

Gnatalby

@theinvisiblecunt Yeah, also, having been a child like Hermione, credit limits exist for a reason! You can't let neurotic over-achiever children set their own schedules, they will burn out and end up sleeping 20 hours a day over christmas break and crying every night while doing homework after play practice, newspaper meeting, cello lesson and dance class while insisting they're JUST FINE and they ENJOY THIS!

AuntAgatha

@MollyculeTheory But it still doesn't make sense! If it's possible to go back in time, then surely SOME other time-travelling device exists SOMEWHERE in the world. The Department of Mysteries couldn't be hiding every single time turner ever.

sevanetta

@Gnatalby Damn straight. I did the Muggle equivalent of Hermione's schedule - was allowed to take 2 classes that were held at the same time and attend 3 of 4 classes one week and 4 of 6 classes for the other. That lasted 18 months, I quit one of those and another class halfway through year 12.

Corey R.@twitter

@theinvisiblecunt Because Time Turners don't change history, they only ensure that there were two of you at one point in the past. Whatever happened happened and cannot be undone or changed.

theinvisiblecunt

@Corey R.@twitter, nope, doesn't stand. How was Buckbeak set free? The time turner ensured that there were two of Harry and Hermione at the time he needed to be set free. What would have happened if they hadn't used a time turner? There wouldn't have been a duplicate of those two to set Buckbeak free.

Corey R.@twitter

@theinvisiblecunt They had to use the Time Turner. Fate found a way to bring them back in time. This just raises a bunch of determinism/free will debates. It does stand, though, in the context of this series. What would have happened if they hadn't used one? Not a possibility. Events were lined up by fate to force them to. Dumbledore knew Herm had the TT. Why else would Harry have performed Expecto Patronum even though he was expecting his father to appear and do it for him?

Corey R.@twitter

@theinvisiblecunt The way I see it, if, say, Albus wanted to go to Tom's birth and kill him as an infant, then why is Voldemort alive now? If he went back in time and killed the baby, why is Voldemort a grown man? It's just like with Buckbeak. Harry and Hermione never changed time; Beaky never died in the first place. In PoA, time NEVER changed. Nothing did. You may not agree with it, but you're not Jo Rowling.

theinvisiblecunt

@Corey R.@twitter, so basically, "it didn't happen because it didn't happen." Well yeah, no shit. Sure a flippant suggestion to go smother babies wouldn't work but then anybody suitably competent with access to a time turner at any point along the many years he spent fucking shit up who had the thought to use the information they have about his past whereabouts and such to stop the form of voldemort that existed at the point in time that the thought occurred to them would have been able to do so, so the fact that nobody did is predicated on a whole lot of people being morons. If you prefer, my "thing that bugs me" can be alternatively interpreted as "when you have time travel, why does no one attempt to halt the wizard holocaust" but then this conversation would devolve into an unfunny discussion of causality, so.

tibia

@theinvisiblecunt YOU MUST NOT BE SEEN!

elysian fields

#4 is my worst grievance. In an equivalent real-life scenario there is NO WAY ON EARTH Hermione would end up with a loser like Ron (sorry Ron, I have nothing against you really, but let's be honest, you're a bit stupid).

applestoapples

@elysian fields Ugh, I know. If Viktor Krum asked me to spend the summer with him, I'd pack my bags and sort out Ron's hurt feelings later. And Cormac McLaggen could've been, at the very least, a hate snog.

thefingersofgod

@elysian fields Oh my god, yes. From Victor Krum to Ron? And surely we've all seen what Neville Longbottom grew up into. (Answer: hot.)

Allie Wallace@twitter

@elysian fields BITE YOUR TONGUE WOMAN. Have you SEEN Grint lately?

Although Ron is kind of a weenie sometimes. But not in the end.

Tragically Ludicrous

@applestoapples yeah. I'd be all up in Krum. Quidditch star! Cool accent! Uh, I don't know what else.

elysian fields

@Allie Wallace@twitter I have no problem with the actor who plays him. The issue is that Ron is fairly stupid, as well as whiny, both of which make him unattractive.

applestoapples

@Tragically Ludicrous That's all you need, really.

Tragically Ludicrous

@applestoapples I imagine him looking like a young Zlatan Ibrahimovic except with better hair and less stupid tattoos.

applestoapples

@Tragically Ludicrous That works. And Cormac McLaggen looks like a slightly more bullish Joe Hart.

rocknrollunicorn

@applestoapples If we're going to accept that Ron is stupid (which I don't think is entirely true), are you going to argue that Krum is all that more intelligent? He's older, if we're going to use his general success in the Triwizard Tournament as proof that he's smarter. I mean, he's basically a hot body. So, not that much better of an option, imo.

sevanetta

@elysian fields I always figured that Hermione and Ron broke up for a while so she could have awesome times with lots of other dudes/women but Ron's love was So True so they got back together. And, also, in that time he got some of the idiocy out of his system so it was a bit less ludicrous.

Or, opposites attract??

Or, we never know what makes other people's relationships work from the outside??

If you read back obsessively from the beginning of the series :cough: you can see from the earliest books Ron is always the one speaking up from Hermione so I suppose they could have been soulmates from a previous life and THAT is where their amazing connection comes from?

applestoapples

Why do wizards only drink lame alcoholic beverages like butterbeer and firewhisky? I'm pretty sure that magical beings should be creating awesome shit that makes you orgasm or allows you to shoot fire out of your eyes.

allifer

@applestoapples I always thought butterbeer sounded SO GOOD.

applestoapples

@allifer Yes, but it must be like the wizard equivalent of Zima if fourteen-year-olds drink it.

theinvisiblecunt

@applestoapples, British fourteen-year-olds! Butterbeer is probably something like 26% ABV

annierebekah

Why does George Weasley marry Angelina Johnson and not meeeeeeeeeee????

rachelrachel

@annierebekah I have always, ALWAYS been in love with George Weasley. Never Fred. For some reason, there is a key difference there.

nogreeneggs

@annierebekah OMG ME TOO! George was always my favorite character. I was so happy he didn't die when his ear got cursed, but then I died a little (a lot) inside when the Fred thing happened.

Oh man, and the actors are SO HOT with their brown hair now. I want to marry them both.

chapstick-please

Ginny Weasley. Ron's general incompetency. Rowling favoritism of the immensely successful Weasley clan. The fact that she hates on Slytherin and loves upon Gryffinslore so hard, thank god for Luna Lovegood.

Anyway I always imagined Harry as this benevolent bachelor uncle type, only for Rowling to magically (no flaccid pun intended) speed Ginny to become this amazing omg feisty and omg sooo pretti!!1 quidditch queen. And I'm really mad dramione never came to fruition even though it would be horribly fanfiction-y. But like in a good way? Anyway I'm in a food feeling sorry for Draco Malfoy mood.

QuiteAmiable

@chapstick-please I have read the books numerous times, and I still don't buy the Harry-Ginny relationship. It was too forced.

Ellie

@chapstick-please I like Ginny a lot but I admit that I spent some formative years reading hot Ginny/Draco slashfic on the internet when that was still a new province so I'm probably projecting that onto her character. No, seriously I like her in the books too. I don't know.

theinvisiblecunt

@chapstick-please, at least the books included actual slytherins. There were lengthy operatic dramas that would bring a tear to your eye playing out in Nerd House and Loser House the entire time and you'd never know it because over the course of the whole series you meet all of two people who weren't sorted into The Goods or The Evils

rayray

@chapstick-please I read an amazing fan fiction once that was like Harry and Draco get somehow mixed up during a polyjuice potion experiment, and then they're weidly linked, and Hermione gets with both of them (totally wrong with Harry but TOTALLY RIGHT with Malfoy). Also I would like to point out I never read fan fiction and it was sent to me by a friend.

theinvisiblecunt

@theinvisiblecunt, also Hermione was clearly a ravenclaw at heart but I guess it was just unfathomable for Harry to befriend somebody he didn't share a dorm with

RK Fire

@theinvisiblecunt: YES. I mean, really, why isn't she in Ravenclaw?? /gripe

scully

@theinvisiblecunt SO TRUE. Hermione is such a Ravenclaw. I mean, she has the smug confidence in her intellect and the hatred of anyone being better than her at anything in spades.
I think the sorting hat was playing a political game there.

chapstick-please

@theinvisiblecunt Definitely reading to far into this, but in a pseudo-women's studies move, cute how it's the masculine houses, founded by men that drive the plot. It's kind of offset, though, quite nicely, by how Ron and Harry are imbecilic and Hermione's the only person who gets things done.

Did read a really interesting article on how Slytherins were authoritian, Gryffindors were liberals, Hufflepuff conservatives and Ravenclaw libertarian.

scully

@chapstick-please Hufflepuffs conservatives!? Never! They were living off the land in harmony, almost certainly growing weed, and cooking great food while undervaluing individual achievement. I think they are communists if anything!

RK Fire

@scully: Hufflepuffs are sounding a lot like hobbits right now...

scully

@RK Fire Hobbitpuffs? Is that the name of their brand of weed!!??

D.@twitter

@chapstick-please Ummmm that would be the "Draco Dormiens" series by Cassandra Claire. Probably THE most popular fanfic in the fandom, if not of all time. It was fancrack, basically.
I am admittedly ashamed to know this...but not as ashamed as I am about the fact that I USED TO WRITE HARRY POTTER FANFIC MYSELF.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@scully Yeah, Hufflepuffs are socialists. Like the scruffy NDP farmers here. Not very exciting, but they've got your back.

Lauren_O'Neal

@theinvisiblecunt Freaks and Geeks: The Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw Story

RK Fire

@chapstick-please: But the Patil twins were split between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw!

tee
tee

@RK Fire I have never understood the Patil twins.

Ellie

@D.@twitter I liked her incest one you can't find anymore so, so, so much (Nobody has a link to that do they?) but got kind of turned off by the whole dubious laptop theft, also the plagiarism accusations, and the fact that she uses a pen name, so now I feel weird whenever I see one of her books.

Hella

@D.@twitter Feel no shame! I would totally read your fanfic, and probably enjoy the hell out of it

teaandcakeordeath

@theinvisiblecunt
I realize this sounds obsessive but Im fairly certain the hat wanted her in Ravenclaw but she asked to be put in to Gryffindor.
My obsessive brain is full of this stuff. (Nothing useful though)

cloudburst

Spot on with Harry's constant amazement. Wouldn't he be used to it by now?

Also spot on with the Neville tag, I always felt he'd grow up to be the wizard world version of Bryan Ferry

chapstick-please

@cloudburst Too bad JK dictates that now hot Neville marries minor character Hufflepuff Hannah Abbott, who spends her core moments in the book being a wimp, a marriage of convenience that buttresses Neville's ex-Hufflypuffly demeanor. Also all the marriages of conveniences in the Epilogue.

thatsrealbutter

@cloudburst I was just going to say the same thing! Neville Longbottom singing More Than This!

DH@twitter

@chapstick-please

Noooo Neville marries Luna and they grow crazy plants together! This is my canon.

chapstick-please

@DH@twitter I know right? Neville, flora. Luna, fauna.

Tragically Ludicrous

@chapstick-please lady, it's her story. I'm pretty sure she "dictated" everything that ever happened. Calm yourself.

Noel Kirkpatrick@twitter

Why, after multiple adventures, is Hermione still such a damn skeptic? "Oh, no, you're wrong, Harry, it can't possibly be..."

Essentially: Why is she such a Scully ALL THE TIME? (said in the nicest way possible, because Scully is great and all, but the constant Hermione doubting was killing me by book 5, and drove me to throw book 7 against a freakin' wall.)

thebestjasmine

@Noel Kirkpatrick@twitter I have an answer to this! Because Hermoine was needed to make Harry hold back sometimes, didn't Dumbledore basically say this? That he needed Hermoine with him to question him and make him really think about what he was going to do, because otherwise he would just fly off and do shit without planning it, and Hermoine at least would say "well, if we're going to do this stupid thing that WON'T work, we might as well do it RIGHT" and have a plan.

punkahontas

@Noel Kirkpatrick@twitter "a Scully", haha. Never heard that one before and it's perfect.

Noel Kirkpatrick@twitter

@thebestjasmine This is totally true. Doesn't make any less frustrating that it came to be the one trait I associated with Hermoine beyond her intellect.

scully

@punkahontas True, and they are both the true bad ass of the series too.

Gnome Vagina

@Noel Kirkpatrick@twitter UHH, maybe because Hermione has saved Harry a thousand times over, has kept him honest, has made him a whole person?!!?!

Sorry, I just watched Fight the Future and am in a very emotional state right now!

punkahontas

@scully agreed!

SpruceBringsteen

Everyone must read The Magicians. It is by Lev Grossman and its premise is literally, what if there really was a magical academy and it was as full of sex, drugs, and bitter disillusionment as any other university. It is amazing and the sequel is coming.

Also: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042007

Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPVhmZodaLA&feature=related
^IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE I SAID AND JUST WATCH THIS TRUST ME

Ellie

@SpruceBringsteen The Magicians is probably the most depressing book I've ever read in my life.

cloudburst

@SpruceBringsteen Oh Teodor!

juliannasays

@SpruceBringsteen I have to say, I know so so so many people who love Dear Wizard People, but I hate it. I love other things Brad Neely has done, really, I promise. But his voice in this. His voice is so bad.

SpruceBringsteen

@juliannasays haha! Hey everybody! Listen, juliannasays, I appreciate your honesty. We can bond over other Neely projects instead. See, his voice in Wizard People is one of my very favorite parts. Must be One Of Those Things.

SpruceBringsteen

@cloudburst Can we talk about what a tease Onstad is being? He tweeted recently that he wanted to start up a new free-site storyline and that he "missed" doing regular strips. PULL THE TRIGGER OR LET ME GRIEVE, CHRIS. Fuck.

Sydney C

@SpruceBringsteen The Magicians is soooo gooood!!! It's like Hogwarts and the Secret History had a baby.

allifer

@SpruceBringsteen Wizard People, Dear Reader has always and will always be the funniest and best.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@SpruceBringsteen Except for about 2/3rds of the way through where it turns into An Almost Completely Different Book. I hadn't been this disappointed since I read The Silver Chair. The first half is, however, perfection.

theinvisiblecunt

@SpruceBringsteen, favorite of all time:

"What are you kids doing here?"
"We fucking go to school here."
"You will be schooled here."
A staring match ensues, and of course, Harry is the victor.

rachelrachel

@Sydney C What. I LOVE The Secret History. I have never heard of The Magicians. Now I must find it.

rachelrachel

@theinvisiblecunt Can't ever stop quoting Wizard People, Dear Reader. EVER.

SpruceBringsteen

@theinvisiblecunt Talking about Wizard People in the comments of the Hairpin is quite possibly the apex of the Internet.

Ophelia

@SpruceBringsteen YES YES YES

Bittersweet

@myfanwy: What's disappointing about The Silver Chair? That may be my favorite of the Narnia books - because I basically WAS Jill at 10 - although it's too hard to pick a favorite...

Ellie

@myfanwy I think that's one of the reasons it is so depressing. That really destroyed me (for a short period of time befitting a reasonable person). Also, disturbingly hot sex scene. Probably my most memorable sex scene in novel.

Hella

@myfanwy Which part about the Silver Chair made you disappointed???

Emma K@twitter

@SpruceBringsteen Ugh, I liked the idea of it, but I found The Magicians so unfocused and unsatisfying.

SBGBlogs

I don't really have any complaints with the books (except that epilogue), all the things I dislike have to do with the movies.

Apparently I am the only person in the whole goddamn world that HATES director David Yates and what he's done with the last several films.

WHY wouldn't they let Alfonso Cuaron come back?!?!? WHY??? HE WANTED TO, GODDAMMIT. HE TOLD YOU SO!
UGGGGHHHHHH.

I will never forgive Warner Brothers for that.

Caitlin Podiak

@SBGBlogs Personally, I hated what Alfonso Cuaron did. Prisoner of Azkaban was one of my favorite books but I thought the movie had too many directorial flourishes at the expense of the story. I'm very relieved that he didn't direct any of the others.

Jennifer Bridges@facebook

@SBGBlogs yes, Cuaron please! Best movie of the series.

thebestjasmine

@Jennifer Bridges@facebook Except he LEFT OUT THE MARAUDERS WHAT HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT.

D.@twitter

@SBGBlogs Ironic how the best movie of the franchise is the one least faithful to the book...

SBGBlogs

@D.@twitter & @Jennifer Bridges@facebook
People who love the third movie exist?!?? I thought you were all mythical creatures! No one EVER agrees with me on that!

So I guess what I'm saying is, "Oh hey, new bffs."

Nicole Cliffe

Everyone in my family, myself included, agrees with you.

madge

@SBGBlogs no one ever agrees with ME EITHER. and it's PAINFUL being right by myself!

today is a special day, my friend.

rocknrollunicorn

@SBGBlogs I love the third movie, too. The first two are pretty terrible, but the first two books aren't the best anyway. I don't mind the most recent movies, either. I'm probably the only person alive who adores both the books and the movies, starting with Pris of Az, at least.

amirite

@SBGBlogs me too, me too! Favorite book, favorite movie, hands-down.

Lisa Frank

Can we talk about that epilogue? That shit better not be in the movie.

I always imagined that Harry would go on to amazing and exciting international adventures as an Auror, but then J.K. made him a suburban dad married to Ginny? Why J.K., why?

punkahontas

@Lisa Frank You know what's funny? I think I blocked out the epilogue. I totally forgot it existed, and now I'm like "noooooooo!"

thefingersofgod

@Lisa Frank I'm totally with you on this one. In a way, it's a weird kind of inversion of the tomboy trope. You know the one I mean - all the adventure-happy girl really wants is to get married and have kids.

Turns out it's just as maddening when it's applied to a male character.

cherrispryte

@Lisa Frank Its in the movie. Apparently they had to reshoot it, because the first time, all 3 of them were aged WAY too much and looked like they were in their 60's, but it's in there.

annierebekah

@Lisa Frank yes. I am going to walk out before the epilogue.

rachelrachel

@Lisa Frank I hate the epilogue, but it also made me cry. Stupid naming babies after people. Always gets me.

punkahontas

@annierebekah That's a good idea! I wish I would have done that when the Lord of The Rings series ended. I didn't need to see all that slow motion soft focus shit at the end.

backstagebethy

@Lisa Frank Apparently it's because that's all Harry ever really wanted--a family. (http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/books/postdh)

Lisa Frank

@cherrispryte No! Now I'm thinking I'm just going to leave the movie theater early?

@thefingersofgod I totally get that Harry wants a family and he wants to be a Weasley, but he couldn't have 10-15 years of being cool and young and brave and single?

theinvisiblecunt

@rachelrachel, let's be honest, the sight of George'sear Longbottom scuttling off to his first day of wizarding class could reduce anyone to tears and anyone who says otherwise is just fronting

thebestjasmine

@rachelrachel I still hate hate hate that Harry named his kid after Effing SNAPE. That's the thing in the epilogue that makes me crazy.

Gnatalby

@Lisa Frank Also, no one every marries anyone they met after high school. If you're not with your high school boyfriend I feel sorry for you, spinster.

PatriciaPepoire

@Lisa Frank I thought the epilogue was super cheesy and frustratingly vague ( of course I need to know the name of draco and percy's wives), but if it helps jk Rowling said Ginny played on the holyhead harpies before she got married so Harry must of had some adventures before he put a ring on it. He also became the head of the Aurors with Ron his second, I guess, and hermione was head of the magical law enforcement department.

@thebestjasmine. YES! I hate that too. Snape was horrible to him for seven years, and only helped him out because of lily, not because he cared a shred for Harry. Why would he name his (obviously from the epilogue) favorite son after his childhood tormentor? I don't know, I've never liked Snape, which puts me in the minority and maybe I'm missing something pure and true about him but I just dislike him. I do not favor the Marauders much though. Which is another thing that bugs me-- we never saw how James became worthy of lily, we only saw his bad points.

Yes, I have read every scrap jkr has thrown at us.

Missa

@Lisa Frank Ugh, I know! I actually wanted Harry to end up as the final, permanent Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. You know, since he's an expert.

martinipie

How does a wizard make the leap from still-using-Expelliarmus-against-Voldemort level Harry-style wizarding to Dumbledore or McGonagall-style can-do-intense-shit-without-saying-a-word SORCERY? Why is there no wizard pot? Where are the spells to make zits go away? Why is there no wizardly fully immersive cinema experience? How the hell do muggle-born kids ever explain this shit to their parents? How can just one Ministry of Magic take care of EVERYTHING? What if you aren't any of the four houses (and don't give me that guff of Hufflepuff being "everyone else," I totes know actual Hufflepuff types)? What do Wizards think of Wiccans?

i have many more...

melis

I imagine wizards would feel about Wiccans the same way demons feel about Satanists:

"Some of these people, for one reason or another, were inclined to worship the Prince of Darkness. Crowley always found them embarrassing. You couldn't actually be rude to them, but you couldn't help feeling about them the same way that, say, a Vietnam veteran would feel about someone who wears combat gear to Neighborhood Watch meetings."

cherrispryte

@martinipie Elosie Midgen apparently tried to curse her zits away, and it ended badly. There are no good answers to the rest of your questions.

RK Fire

@melis: +1,000 points for a Good Omens quote!

cherrispryte

@melis you know i love you, right?

paskettios

@martinipie I seem to remember Fred & George selling some kind of 10-Second Pimple Vanisher at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. God bless those Weasley boys.

melis

@cherrispryte #AWSHUCKS #LIKEWISEI'MSURE

rocknrollunicorn

@martinipie Your first question is the only one that has ever really bothered me. When the three set out on their own, I'm basically screaming "THEY ARE NOT READY!" And, I mean, not everyone is going to have a chance to learn like Harry does, thrown into a real war with beyond-the-grave help from his parents and Dumbledore.

coffeeandinternets

Have you guys seen what appears to be the special 3D glasses for the new movie? Promotional genius: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnvmrbEJpA1qefpigo1_500.jpg

punkahontas

@coffeeandinternets Oh my god. Of course! So perfect!

HydrogenJukebox

Why does Ginny Weasley kick all kinds of magical ass in the books, but somehow get transmuted into a one-dimensional love interest prop/creepily subservient surrogate mother figure in the movies?

(If I ever were to write a thesis it would be on goddamn Ginny Weasley.)

MissMushkila

@HydrogenJukebox This is my most major disappointment in the movies. She ties his shoes. My friend claims this is supposed to represent oral sex, but somehow it still irritates me that she TIED HIS SHOES. Also, that made up death eater attack on the weasley house where she just goes running out in her pajamas without a wand and has to be saved by Harry. Seriously?

bombazinedoll

@MissMushkila I literally started having Tangled Up In Blue start running through my head at that point. That is exactly how I imagine their relationship now.

punkahontas

Regarding Harry's constant amazement, I think some things are just that fucking amazing all the time. I've lived in NYC for 14 years now, and sometimes I'm still amazed at the shit going on. At this point, I'm pretty jaded, but I still really appreciate the things that make this place "magical".

allifer

the EPILOGUE!

WE ARE MARRIED OFF AND SENDING OUR KIDS TO HOGWARTS AND THEY ARE NAMED AFTER OUR DEAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND WE ARE BORING THE END

RK Fire

@allifer: I GAVE MY YOUNGEST SON AN UNFORTUNATE NAME BECAUSE DEAD MENTOR + DEAD FRENEMY > NOT GETTING PICKED ON

@RK Fire ONE LESSON ABOUT TOGETHERNESS > LIFELONG TORMENT. Damn hippies.

itsasatchel

Why does everyone marry off at the end, Gilbert & Sullivan style? I mean? I like it when G&S do it but really? I mean, I heard that this is what happens.

Nicole Cliffe

@itsasatchel It's very Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.

boyofdestiny

How come there have been eight Harry Potter movies, but zero The Sandman movies?

cherrispryte

@boyofdestiny How come there have been eight Harry Potter movies, but only one Firefly movie?

RK Fire

@boyofdestiny: Sandman would have been butchered on the big screen. :( Then again, I hold the Watchmen movie up as the example of why some things are better in comic book form than movie form.

Bittersweet

@cherrispryte: I'm kind of OK with only one Firefly movie, because it was so freakin' good. The idea of Firefly 4: Fast and Firefly makes my blood run cold.

cherrispryte

@Bittersweet But I need to know Shepherd Book's backstory! I really, really, really need to know.

paisami

@cherrispryte i'm pretty sure whedon published a canon graphic novel that deals with book's past?

edit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_%28comics%29#The_Shepherd.27s_Tale
haven't read it yet, but i've heard good things!

whiskeyfingers

Why doesn't Harry Potter have some grandparents still alive that he could go live with? This has always, always bothered me. His parents were, like, 20 years old when they were killed. His grandparents would have been in their 40s or 50s.

RK Fire

@Tracie Masek@twitter: Also, whatever happened to his paternal grandparents? They were just like "oh, lost my only (??) son and only grandson.. gonna go wizz around now!"

cherrispryte

@Tracie Masek@twitter That right there is the biggest plot hole, for me.

Gnome Vagina

@RK Fire Doesn't Dumbledore say, in the very beginning, that he could have given Harry to a pair of wizard foster parents, essentially, but he didn't want him growing up in the wizarding world where he'd have been worshipped night and day and would probably have turned out like Draco? For that matter, Harry's dad seemed like kind of a D at times, so maybe (especially with so much pureblood-intermarriage, like with the Malfoys) some of Harry's relatives weren't so nice and were even psuedo-Death-Eater-y, and could have exacerbated this problem.

Not to mention that he would have been a major target for retribution by any remaining Death Eaters, and I'm betting Dumbledore thought him safer with a seemingly random muggle family than the high-profile brother/sister or parents of James Potter.

theinvisiblecunt

@Tracie Masek@twitter, murdered by the wizard nazis prob

RK Fire

@Gnome Vagina: He does and I definitely remember that. Harry's dad was a juicebox in his early days, but the writing seems to hint that it was due to being spoiled (so again, basically - Draco) but their continual absence throughout the book is still strange. Harry's not even curious about them (or his maternal grandparents, which is somewhat more understandable) at all.

thebestjasmine

@whiskeyfingers They somehow all died (maybe in the wizarding wars?) but yes, that's the hugest plot hole.

owl.soup

@whiskeyfingers It's one of those things Rowling had decided for herself in her notes but never wrote into the story:
MA: What about Harry's family — his grandparents — were they killed?

JKR: No. This takes us into more mundane territory. As a writer, it was more interesting, plot-wise, if Harry was completely alone. So I rather ruthlessly disposed of his entire family apart from Aunt Petunia. I mean, James and Lily are massively important to the plot, of course, but the grandparents? No. And, because I do like my backstory: Petunia and Lily's parents, normal Muggle death. James's parents were elderly, were getting on a little when he was born, which explains the only child, very pampered, had-him-late-in-life-so-he's-an-extra-treasure, as often happens, I think. They were old in wizarding terms, and they died. They succumbed to a wizarding illness. That's as far as it goes. There's nothing serious or sinister about those deaths. I just needed them out of the way so I killed them.
http://tinyurl.com/32nows

fantod

Why do some wizards know how to dress themselves and some don't?

@fantod Why did everyone start off in robes in the first movie, and then by #5 they were all dressed like prep school cads?

Jolly Farton

Why am I the only human being on the entire planet who has not read these books... :(

major disaster

@lilly pilgrim You are not. Come sit by me.

Lola

@lilly pilgrim I haven't read any of them either, but now I feel like I should?

brad

@lilly pilgrim - i have not read them, but i am an old. my 10 year old, however, read the entire series in two weeks. we didn't see her much, and yes, she's a bright little thing, but i don't get teh impression that we're talking about joyce here. just polish it off.

Spicymustard

If Mad-Eye Moody had basically X-ray vision, was he able to see through everyone's clothes? And did witches use tampons or magically took care of their periods?

HydrogenJukebox

@Spicymustard: I would also like some solid info on magical birth control.

Nicole Cliffe

I bet it's awesome, and that your unfertilized egg just hovers inside your fallopian tube, encased in a misty blue light that repels sperm. Also, obviously you take a potion which turns your period into a handy gelcap you just flush once a month.

mangosara

@Nicole Cliffe CAN SOMEONE PLEASE INVENT THIS PLEASE????

lisma

Ginny Weasley. WHY?
Also, do wizard and witch kids go to regular school first before Hogwarts? It seems like the Weasley kids never did due to their total lack of understanding regarding the "Muggle world."

whoaisme

everything about Harry Potter is perfect, this post confuses me.

redheaded&crazy

@whoaisme FINALLY SOME SENSE AROUND HERE.

wee_ramekin

@redheadedandcrazy Hahaha. Avatar / comment synergy FTW!

Plinkplinkplink

I always thought Hermione belonged in Ravenclaw...and maybe Neville in Hufflepuff?

nogreeneggs

@Plinkplinkplink
You bite your tongue about Neville, he pulled that GD sword out of the hat and cut off that snakes head!

theinvisiblecunt

@nogreeneggs, how much more of a badass would he have been if he had vanquished a basilisk with a dumb old cup, though

RK Fire

Does anyone else think that Harry Potter had to be set in the early 90s because if it was set during the Age of the Interwebs, the muggle-borns would be a) pissed off at the lack of Internet or b) a ridiculous wizard-only version of the Internet would have to be created.

Also, wizards: stuck using radios? wtf? You didn't even make it to the age of television? And no muggleborn ever really brought in and popularized soccer/football?

cloudburst

@RK Fire And no muggle born ever introduced wizards to muggle music? How do wizards get the full communal living experience if there is nobody to blast Dave Matthews band at all hours?

@RK Fire I'm now imagining Voldemort with an iPad.

RK Fire

@cloudburst: I'm convinced that Sirius was a punk rocker before he got sent to Azkaban.

RK Fire

@S. Elizabeth: I'm now imagining Hermione as a computer programmer who creates programs and applications to help them with their adventures. Basically, a white hat hacker?

likethestore

@RK Fire Actually (letting my HP geek flag fly here) the books were set during the 90s! http://www.hp-lexicon.org/timelines/timeline_harry.html

RK Fire

@likethestore: No no, I know, and I acknowledge that in my OP. I guess my point is that having it set during the time that they were written/published would've been a little more complicated because of the growing prominence of computers and the internet. Then again, the wizarding world seems to have totally ignored TVs (and cable television especially) so there is that.

Chesty LaRue

@RK Fire See also: any kind of electricity

RK Fire

@Chesty LaRue: good point! why there aren't spells that are basically Force Lighting is completely beyond me.

aperson

@RK Fire The mutual exclusivity of magic and technology in the books drove me crazy, along with a ton of other stuff about Rowling's world-building. It was like a veneer of a world, but when you went deeper there was a lot of things that weren't really thought out, and stupid stuff like 'why the hell are they writing with quills on parchment in the 20th century' really took me out of the stories. I stopped reading after the 4th one.

sp8ce

This list sounds like "Things that Bother Hermione About Harry Potter"

Nicole Cliffe

You have dirt on your nose. Did you know?

@Nicole Cliffe How did Hermione get her books/wand/magical kitty/copy of "Hogwarts, a History" if her parents are muggles?

Nicole Cliffe

I assume there's some sort of Head Start program for the muggle-born.

nogreeneggs

@S. Elizabeth Her parents went to London and Diagon Alley with her. I think the 2nd book shows her parents exchanging money at Gringotts.

scully

Why didn't Dumbledore or someone magically intervene to keep the Dursleys from basically child-abusing Harry until he was 11 yo??

nogreeneggs

@scully So he'd be grounded and shit and not another Draco Malfoy.

Nicole Cliffe

Yeah, weak. Even Florida CPS would have been on that.

Lauren_O'Neal

@nogreeneggs Only in the wacky backwards wizarding world does child abuse make you a more stable person.

nogreeneggs

@Lauren_O'Neal I personally feel that Dudley was far more abused than Harry. Harry was never beaten or starved (not to the point where his life was in danger). Dudley was fed to the point where he probably had serious health problems.

The most we know about Harry's life pre-Hogwarts is that the Dursleys were not friendly, didn't tolerate questions, scolded Harry a lot and gave him Dudley's hand-me-downs. I don't see anything life threatening there. Not saying the Dursleys were good foster parents, just saying they didn't abuse Harry, that we know of.

RK Fire

@nogreeneggs: What about making him sleep in a closet under the stairs and basically telling him that he was destined for no good just like his parents? Granted, they weren't beating him everyday for slight mishaps, but they definitely were more than "not friendly."

thefingersofgod

@nogreeneggs Well, they did make Harry sleep in a closet. For years. That's probably grounds for a CPS investigation, at least.

nogreeneggs

@RK Fire and thefingersofgod

True true, more than not friendly. I'm just saying Dumbledore wasn't letting Harry live in danger. Squalor yes, danger no. I guess I was just always really alarmed that Dudley was the size of a baby killer whale.

Sydney C

@scully A Harry Potter Named It

Lauren_O'Neal

@nogreeneggs I think you're right about the authorial intent there. Rowling probably did mean for the child abuse (or near-child-abuse or whatever) to make Harry a better person than more privileged characters like Draco. I just think that was not perhaps Rowling's finest decision. (Her finest decision was making Dumbledore gay, obvz.)

myeviltwin

Tuck in your shirt, scruffy!

redheaded&crazy

Um, this is all wrong. Sorry.

joie

@redheadedandcrazy I was waiting for you to chime in!

redheaded&crazy

@heyits I can't believe this article got 100 comments deep before I even saw it!

The last two movies have brought out some serious Harry Potter fanaticism in me that I thought had ended with the last book. I never expected to want to watch a harry potter movie more than once!

Ron is my fictional boyfriend forever though. For reals.

joie

@redheadedandcrazy Ron is wonderful, and I do have a ginger weakness, but Sirius Black will always have my heart. I have a thing for older men.

EleanorRigby

Why can they do magic and kill people with the wave of a wand, but they don't have ballpoint pens? I mean seriously, quills??

E
E

Why is Quidditch such an obvious metaphor for the sometimes lazy way JK Rowling deals with Harry? The seeker gets 150 points for catching the snitch!? But everyone else only gets 10 for making an actual goal! Basically everyone else works really hard and then it doesn't matter at the end because Harry instinctively wins. How about the seeker gets like 30 points for catching the snitch? Then everyone will matter!

In a similar vein, why are Slytherins all bad? Even Draco, who has something of a redemption is just an AWFUL person. I think there should have been at least one good Slytherin, and one competent Hufflepuff. JK Rowling makes a big deal of "why can't we all just get along" but she really can't keep from writing with barely disguised scorn for two houses and only keeping Ravenclaw around so that there are people for our main characters to date. Especially I find this disappointing because what I like most about the series is that as each book came out, it dealt with greater shades of grey and morality- heros who were unecessarily foolhardy, people who seem like enemies who might do good things, people who aren't invincible.

I actually love Ron. He's the regular guy, and I think he has reasonable exasperation with the two he hangs out with. But why couldn't he have one thing that is just his. Some little knack. Best at Disapparation, can cook anything, you know?

Why can't witches and wizards figure out what kind of clothing looks normal? It's sort of idiotic. Sometimes I think the magic folks come off as acting like mentally ill people, instead of a group with different customs and traditions. I can see some confusion, but really? Especially because magic paper airplanes or magic lighters or motorcycles or trains would seem to suggest a passing familiarity with the regular world.

thebestjasmine

@E The good Slytherin is that teacher who comes back (and who loved Harry's mom). And the Malfoys, by the end, because their love for their son conquered all, etc.

RK Fire

@thebestjasmine: Even then he was kind of described as being a bit craven and being purely self-serving, right?

chapstick-please

@E AMen. Methinks where Rowling flails is that she sucks at writing round characters, inevitably most characters end up quite flat and able to be condensed in one sentence, that being Ron (who despite his incompetency makes prefect because he is a Weasley, though I do love the Weasleys aside their Hogwarts careers), Hermione. Even Snape kind of collapses under the Lily Evans revelation. Also Malfoy is ripe for redemption as Harry's foil and all he does is nod at the end.

likethestore

@E Hahaha you just reminded me of that 30 Rock episode where Toofer is like "If the Snitch is 150 points, why even bother with the Quaffle?!!"

thebestjasmine

@RK Fire He was craven and self serving, but fought on the good side in the end.

AuntAgatha

@E Oh god yes, why couldn't she have made Ron the Strategy Guy? He's brilliant at chess, so he's probably good at strategic thinking!

Ophelia

@E I totally <3 Draco, and was always waiting for a real redemption of his character...but we only got a half-assed one. Sure, maybe he's not totally evil, but did he have to be such a juicebox? Sigh.

nogreeneggs

The lack of Dobby in the movies upsets me deeply.

Hermione should have ended up with Krum, I hate Ron he's a whiny baby. Literally everything in his life has been awesome, except he's poor. GET OVER IT.

I hate every. single. thing. about the 6th movie. Don't even talk to me about it.

It bothers me when people watch the movies and enjoy them, but haven't read the books. YOU PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. Your lives could be so much better.

Greg Allan

@nogreeneggs They probably enjoy the movies precisely because they haven't read the books. As with most movies that are based on books, those who read and love the book first typically hate the movie.

likethestore

I always wanted Harry and Hermione to get together. Sigh.

shannonmkennedy@twitter

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! Daniel Radcliffe was just on TV talking about his drinking problem (now overcome, apparently). ?!?!

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@shannonmkennedy@twitter Wait, what?

nogreeneggs

@shannonmkennedy@twitter I didn't take it as he had a drinking problem, I took it as he had a bad relationship with alcohol and didn't like how it made him feel so now he doesn't do it.

melis

That's not a drinking problem. This is a drinking problem. You're from Knifecrime Island, son. Step up your game.

PatriciaPepoire

@nogreeneggs Yeah, I thought that too, but every news outlet scrolled out " Daniel Radcliffe on his battle with alcohol addiction."

Anne

I never understood the misuse of muggle artifacts. The line is soooo gray. It's okay to have a bewitched broom, quill, cloak, etc...but a charmed car or magic carpet is illegal? Come on!

marilyn

@Anne Plus apparently the Ministry can charm their cars to be bigger inside than out! And giant purple buses as well!

Spicymustard

Were there spamming owls? Advertising potions for the enhancement of certain "wands", etc?

@Spicymustard the little blue pill that goes POOF

JessicaLovejoy

Who cares if anyone "dies?" If you can still talk to them and see them and they can travel through paintings, how the hell is that death? Shit, now that I think of it, it's kind of like having intarweb friends!

paisami

@JessicaLovejoy i always wondered why harry didn't just go chill out with the painting of dumbledore in the headmaster's office.

Gnatalby

@JessicaLovejoy I always wondered why Harry's asshole parents didn't raise him as ghosts.

And I looooooooooooathe the death-that-isn't-really-a-death thing, partly because I'm an emo angst junkie, but also because if death isn't real, nothing has consequences.

RK Fire

I know it's too much to hope for, but I kind of hope there's a similar post to this for the impending release of A Dance with Dragons.

/fantasy geek

cherrispryte

@RK Fire I would write the hell out of that post.

RK Fire

@cherrispryte: I would love you forever, and if I had any dragon eggs I'd give you one.

Hella

@RK Fire Is that really going to come out? /disillusioned

formergr

Yes, yes, yes to the movies being too dark to watch on a plane! I've settled in three times now while on various long flights into a Harry Potter movie that I never managed to watch in the theater or on DVD, and each time had to give up. The combination of the ridiculously dark filming and the kind of crappy individual seatback screens makes the movies unwatchable. Bah!

SeeShelley

@boyofdestiny @RK Fire
HBO is working with Gaiman to do a 6 season Sandman series.

cherrispryte

@SeeShelley Unless HBO has suddenly developed quite the Gaiman obsession (which, I couldn't blame them for that) it's American Gods that's being made into a 6-season series, not Sandman.

Chesty LaRue

@cherrispryte You've just made my day. Also, Neil Gaiman is my author boyfriend, so you keep your filthy eyes to yourselves, tyvm.

cherrispryte

@Chesty LaRue Don't tell Amanda Palmer!

allifer

Why is the name of anything wizardly either a pun, Latin, or its name backwards (Mirror of Erised, I'm looking at you)? Are wizards all corny word nerds?

cherrispryte

@allifer Diagon Alley. Knockturn Alley. Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus. Yes, they're all corny word nerds.

Gnatalby

@allifer Either Bill or Pam on True Blood says that because vampires are very old they still find puns amusing. I think this is the situation with wizards too.

Ophelia

@cherrispryte Oh, woah. I got the Diagon Alley pun before, but I just got Knockturn Alley. Head-slap.

Sydney C

@Ophelia Same here. I feel like a dumb dumb.

scully

@Gnatalby Am I the only one who fantasized about at True Blood Harry Potter crossover?

QuiteAmiable

@Sydney C @Ophelia OH SNAP, I just got it too. And the Mirror or Erised word play. Shit, they are going to revoke my HP Fanclub badge.

allifer

@cherrispryte my favorite is still Durmstrang (= sturm und drang.)

Word nerds unite!

SBGBlogs

@Ophelia I think I might be an idiot...

Never. noticed. any. of. that.

likethestore

Why was Dumbledore such a douche? That guy did all kinds of fucked up stuff but apparently he had Harry's best interests at heart?

@likethestore Will someone please explain this? I guess I'm not diligently reading the books, but Dumbledore seems either douchey or nice or icky or what? When did he go from being a juicebox to being everyone's favorite grandpa in a pointy hat? And his dead sister what now?

likethestore

@S. Elizabeth He was massively irresponsible when it came to Harry. As was pointed out above - he let THE SAVIOUR OF THE WIZARDING WORLD be raised by abusive Muggles. He hosted the Triwizard Tournament which had been discontinued because it was so dangerous, and someone died. He never gave Harry a straight answer about anything. I could go on and on. But Harry loved him so, as you said, he's viewed as a kindly grandpa.

theinvisiblecunt

@likethestore, HAHA OHHH MAN, the triwizard tournament trumps absolutely everything else in potterland in terms of ridiculous; I do NOT have time to worry about where the ball-point pens have gone in a world that thinks a deadly gladiatorial spectacle featuring schoolchildren aged 14-17 is a family friendly good time tradition

paisami

did anyone else feel like tonks was, um, kind of tacked-on and awkward? i get that there are a lot of tonks-lovers out there and i respect that, but i could never see her with remus, the whole thing seemed forced to me. she was sort of like, this aggressively kooky, quirky witch who was young enough to be hip and old enough to be all interesting to teenagers and she had the ability to change her appearance which, let's face it, every teenager wants. but then she didn't really add anything to the story except that remus had a womb to squirt a baby into. i may just be bitter that remus didn't have a happy ending with someone totally bitchingawesome, however.

redheaded&crazy

@paisami I guess my issue is that Remus x Sirius is true love forever?

(My real issue is that I have weird harry potter relationship pairing preferences I guess)

paisami

@redheadedandcrazy i was a total remusxsirius fan as a wee thing, in retrospect that's probably my issue.

wee_ramekin

@paisami Well, I totally feel like Tonks is queer. Super super queer. I feel like she should have ended up with a lady.

@wee_ramekin YES. ME TOO. But then again, I always thought of Remus as kind of this dandy bear type, and they would raise a baby that would reek of patchouli and quinoa salad?

wee_ramekin

@S. Elizabeth I also got a gay vibe from Lupin! But not really a bear vibe... Hmmm...

I feel like Sara Quin could play Tonks...and it wouldn't even be acting.

Gnatalby

I would have loved for Dumbledore to be explicitly gay. But as it is, he is not. What the hell J.K. Rowling, if you want something to be true about your character you have to put it in the books.

It reminded me of people in my poetry workshops who always want to explain the context of their poem beforehand. WTF? Are you going to be accompanying this poem wherever it goes?

You don't get credit for being progressive if you're too scared to do anything but give an interview later.

Also damn, JK, stop being a paper fetishist, let your book be made into ebooks, and let me put HP on my nook already.

RK Fire

@Gnatalby: Am now thinking about what the Wizarding World's Pride Parade might look like now. Thanks!

Lady Gaga's "Born this Way" = for queer wizards with muggle parents?

Karissa Sauder@twitter

@Gnatalby Perhaps you missed the Pottermore announcement?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5DOKOt7ZF4

Gnatalby

@Karissa Sauder@twitter I guess so, thanks!

AuntAgatha

Why did Rowling have to make Dobby speak like that? It makes me uncomfortable.

@AuntAgatha I guess because he was lacking autonomy? Sort of like the character's in Ayn Rand's "Anthem" do, I think. Don't judge, I used to teach high school English and it was required reading.

Monkey

@AuntAgatha Dobby = Jar-Jar Binks.

jenjen

I made an account just to say: with all the health-related magic they have, WHY DOES HARRY STILL WEAR GLASSES?

Karissa Sauder@twitter

@jenjen For that matter...why does anyone have any physical flaws ever?

Ironika Leigh

i can't believe how long this comment section is.

i'm going to go start a Chicago Hairpinners Let's Go See Harry Potter Meetup to spite all of you.

paisami

@Ironika Leigh i was actually kind of cheered by how many complaints people have. i don't mind people being critical, because at least they're examining it intelligently, i think it's worse to blindly love things. i mean, i completely adore harry potter. but it's flawed, and i feel like denying its flaws would be like, ignoring its complexity. or something. *incoherence*

scully

@Ironika Leigh It doesn't mean we don't love Harry! It's like your grandma; "I criticize because I love you. Now stop eating so many twinkies!"

SBGBlogs

@Ironika Leigh See you at the AMC River East at midnight amirite?

Ironika Leigh

@SBGBlogs yes! i will see you there.

i'm all for being pissed at pop culture bullshit ... but harry potter has slipped through my cynical talons.

i just want to go to hogwarts. don't hate.

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=236921259666045

hairdresser on fire

Not really something that bugs me per se, but: one time in Hindi class I watched the beginning of a dubbed Harry Potter film, maybe Azkaban? And the sorta-BS-Latin spells were all sorta-BS-Sanskrit! I wonder if it's like that in all the dubbed versions, like some sorta old, culturally/religiously relevant language is used for the spells? Thoughts? Think I can write my thesis on this?? Because I'm going to now, duh.

allifer

@hairdresser on fire Write it and then post it all over these comments.

(But seriously I think they tried to carry the spirit of the spells' punny wordplay and esoteric references through to other languages' translated editions, and there's a pretty good interview out there with the guy who did the Latin translation that touches on this.)

ellbeejay

@hairdresser on fire If I remember correctly (I gave my copies away), the Latin HP books have all the sorta-BS-Latin in...the same, sorta-BS-Latin. But that's a book, of course. I remember being disappointed.

ilikemints

If the Weaseys are so poor, why is only Arthur working? Don't get me wrong, I love Molly Weasely, but seriously, after book two, all of her children had either moved out and joined the workforce or were away at boarding school ten months out of the year. I mean, their relative poverty was a major drama throughout the series, and honestly I think it's incredibly irresponsible to have seven children (and they're wizards, do not tell me there is no magical contraception) and not take the steps see that they're not completely living on second-hand everything. Molly is more than competent and able to get some kind of employment, and it's not like distance or transportation are issues, because Apparition.

Ugh, I've thought about this too much.

brad

@ilikemints - first off, mints are delicious. and B, i think you've devoted a perfect amount of time to this question. well done.

ilikemints

@brad Aw, thanks!

brad

@ilikemints - don't mention it. although, you should know that i had a vocodin for lunch and half a bottle of sake. but i really don't think that has much to do with the amount of respect i have for your comment. but it might pertain to my swirlingness.

marilyn

@ilikemints Yeah! I've never thought about this before. Starting with the second freaking book! They're all at school! I wonder if she HAD started a part-time something or other in the second year whether we would have heard about it, or she would've just gotten so maternally/irrationally guilty about Ginny getting possessed by Riddle that she quit... so that she could knit and send them baked goods more often to prevent possession??

mooseketeer

I love this thread so bad even though I only read the first book once a million years ago and gave up. I like all the fake words and how much all of you are into it.

My one thing about the first book was how I had never seen the name Hermione before or heard it or anything so the way I said it in my head was like HER-mee-own

rocknrollunicorn

@mooseketeer My mother read the first few books to my brother (who is now 21 years old, lordy), and she read the name like that.

I love that someone who isn't a HP fanatic can appreciate our insanity :)

Gnatalby

@mooseketeer Lots of readers had that issue! That's why Rowling put in a passage where Hermione explains how to pronounce her name.

Countess Sandwich

RON RULES. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS DEAD TO ME.

SBGBlogs

@Countess Sandwich -MASSIVE INTERNET HIGH FIVE-

redheaded&crazy

@Countess Sandwich Exactly. I think we need to have a Let's Just all talk about the things we LOVE about Harry Potter

1. Ron
2. RON.
3. Neville
4. RON!
and so forth

thinkin'things

Me, I was disappointed that Harry didn't get together with Luna.

Okay, and how come, when Harry opens the snitch and gets the stone and is visited by his dead loved ones, Dumbledore isn't there? I mean, yes, I understand why AD gets his own scene with Harry, but the internal logic bothered me--Why some dead people and not others?

And what's with all those adverbs???

Missa

@thinkin'things I always wanted Harry to end up with Luna, too! They seem to have way more in common than Harry and Ginny. Yes, Ginny likes quidditch, but Luna was an outsider and experienced loss at a young age. The Thestral scene just seemed perfect.

rocknrollunicorn

I can't get behind most, if any, of this. Ron is hot. He's whiny sometimes because he's a goddamn teenage boy asked to join Harry in doing the work of adults. And he doesn't have the gratitude Harry does, because Harry lived in a closet under the stairs with a bunch of assholes as his guardians.

Hermione and Ron are the perfect couple and I will put my hands over my ears and sing "lalalalala" if anyone tries to explain differently to me.

redheaded&crazy

@rocknrollunicorn word.

no offense (offensive statement will follow) but I disdain people who thought Harry/Hermione was a legitimate thing that might happen and be cool. I mean, WHAT?!

ETA: what a jerky thing to say. Sorry Harry/Hermione fans, I shouldn't be such a sore winner so at least you got naked makeouts in the movie! And cute schmoozy dance scene! That was cute!

rocknrollunicorn

@redheadedandcrazy Yeah, Harry and Herminone was very clearly never going to happen. I loved the dance scene, but need to watch the movie again because I almost believed they would make them kiss for the movie and ruin everything I believe in, so I was kind of nervous during the scene.

redheaded&crazy

@rocknrollunicorn hah! me too, when I saw it at the midnight showing or whatever, I said something like "this is AWFUL" in a tone that was kind of too loud ... made some people around me snicker. I've come to accept it as a cute friendship moment now.

likethestore

@redheadedandcrazy I never thought Harry/Hermione would actually happen but I do think in real life they would be the better match. I'm not a big fan of the love/hate trope that Ron and Hermione have going on. And I totally absolutely thought Dan and Emma were going to kiss in the dance scene!

marilyn

@likethestore Love/hate trope, AKA Bennet/Darcy, AKA I love it so hard.

likethestore

@marilyn Ohhhh girl you did not just compare Ron/Hermione to Liz/Darcy! Not even the same ballpark.

aperson

Ok, I was growing up or whatever when these books were coming out, and I was that weird quiet kid with a kneejerk hatred of anything mainstream so I hated Harry Potter, but also I think I had some legitimate complaints? And I used to go on and on about it to pretty much anyone until finally my mother told me to shut up because I was boring everyone with my diatribes. ANYWAYS, my point is I have a lot of pent-up thoughts about Harry Potter that must be released NOW, but that also may not have changed much since I was like 11, so grain of salt, you know? Also, I stopped reading after like the 4th book, because those books were way too long, among other things. I would plop down 15 or 20 bucks for the new one when it came out, blow through it, and completely forget everything by the time the new one came out. And then no one wanted to talk about anything else for like a week. The whole mania surrounding them was seriously off-putting. I was a sci-fi/fantasy geek, and HP made me angry because I was reading all this cool stuff that never got any press, and here was HP, with its plot holes and poor world-building, getting credit for getting kids to read again.

Oof. It feels good to get that off my chest. I pretty much avoid anything Harry Potter related these days because it all just drives me so crazy.

Also, I have no thoughts on the character of Ron, but Rupert Grint is hot and needs to be in more movies.

Greg Allan

@aperson Thank you so much for mentioning the poor world-building skills of JKR! As an avid reader of fantasy/sci-fi books, this drove me nuts. The best authors create a world, fill it with characters, and then give those characters a plot. JKR created characters, gave them a plot, and then created a world filled with inconsistencies just to make the plot work. They might as well have called the entire series Harry Potter and the Deus ex Machina.

SeeShelley

@cherrispryte You are totally right! I wish they did have such an obsession...I guess that was wishful thinking on my part.

gunface

sooo.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleybaccam/neville-longbottom-is-looking-so-dapper

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wondajules

HOW does the MoM afford to pay all of its employees?? The wizarding tax rate must be exorbitant!! And is there some sort of wizarding payroll system? What about social security? How do the elderly wizards pay for the first of the five Principle Exceptions to Gamp's Law? I must know..

orlyowl

HOW is it that Ron can make himself speak Parseltongue during the wizard battle at Hogwarts? I mean, that is just laaaazy.

Sabriel

@orlyowl He made raspy/hissy sounds in imitation of Harry until it worked to open the Chamber.

Greg Allan

What's up with the killing curse? Harry survives this curse not once, but twice, and is said to be the only person who has. The reason given for both times is that his mother had died for him, giving him the protection of her love. Doesn’t that mean that in the entire history of magic, possibly tens of thousands of years or more, nobody has ever died for someone they loved?! According to the “rules” the trick doesn’t seem that hard: if someone who loved you has died for you, and then someone tries to kill you, you’ll survive. And Harry is the first person who meets these simple conditions?!

Harriet Welch M@facebook

This thread is amazing. It still makes me kind of sad though. I have blissfully ignored all of the plot holes and bad "world building" (for real, I didn't even know that was a thing. I don't typically like sci-fi/fantasy).
I'm going to back to burying my head in the sand. Since, well, it's Harry Potter and it's probably not that big of a deal if I just blindly and ignorantly love it.

birthinghips

Why has no one else realised that Malfoy is the way to go! A mixed-up bad boy it feels wrong, but with that face it's SO RIGHT!

bombazinedoll

@birthinghips hear, hear!

dailyhobo

how come witches and wizards aren't all fat slobs. if i could make dinner, get my clothes, books, etc. from the comfort of my armchair, i'd be doing it. so would a lot of people. then i'd get all fat from laziness and sloth. and why do they celebrate christmas? if i were a wizard, i'd be pretty unimpressed by the lame 'miracles' jesus performed. he's just a second-rate wizard. why the love?

Karissa Sauder@twitter

Why did my parents not allow me to read these books when I was a kid even though I would have been the perfect age so that I didn't discover them until I was 20 and am now mourning the fact that these books were NOT my childhood rather than the fact that my childhood is effectively ending with the final movie?

sveta

What bothers me is that the final books might be influenced by the sub par movies. The books will be remembered, the movies will not. They should have waited till all the books were written.

bombazinedoll

Why are there no surrealist paintings in the wizarding world? If I could make paintings that could carry on a conversation with me, I'd paint some crazy apple-faced dudes to chat with. Yes?

NellieBly

@bombazinedoll Yes.

thornbek

I need to know about the mechanics of a human man getting a troll woman pregnant. Did he climb inside or what?! Hagrid has been holding back on that story for far too long.

A Panel Of Experts

@thornbek Hagrid's mum was a giant, not a troll.

Charles Bogle

Speaking of which, I still have this in the original packaging if anyone's interested in purchasing it from me:

http://www.amazon.com/Tales-Beedle-Bard-Collectors/dp/B004DEOLFY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1310417684&sr=8-2

Yolanda and Steve

@thornbek YES! (although Hagrid is half Giant, not Troll...an even bigger feat!)

Yes, of course there are a lot of holes in the story and it isn't the greatest world building, yada yada. But to keep things in perspective, these are technically children's/young adult books. So.....

My 2 BIGGEST complaints are with the movies. #1 why the heck does every actor in the background always stand around obviously looking like they are waiting for the currently speaking actor to finish delivering their lines so the director can tell them what to do next. It's like watching a middle school play. #2 We already know that Harry, Ron and Hermione are BFFs, no need for the awkward forced laughing while sitting together scenes. Movies 5 & 6 I'm looking at YOU.

It feels so good to get that out! I can't wait for Friday! Kaufman Astoria Theater, holler!

A Panel Of Experts

How come the Ministry of Magic is able to monitor all children at all time for where they are and whether they are using magic without them kicking up a fuss about human rights? Not much different from micro-chipping them. Also, how come they can't tell that it's Dobby doing magic, not Harry? How inaccurate is this trace? Harry and all the wizard kids are around magic all the time at the Burrow and other places and it never gets set off.

A Panel Of Experts

Oh yeah, and how come there were only three wizarding schools in the whole world? What about all the kids who spoke other languages? Chinese wizard kids? Americans, New Zealanders? And there are only 5 boys in Griffindor in Harry's year. If you do the maths, 5 kids X 2 for both genders, X 4 for all houses, X 7 for all years, there are only 280 kids at Hogwarts. But the castle is so huge, and there are so many different classes! And if there are only 280 kids, how many wizarding families are there? How can there possibly be any purebloods that aren't horrendously inbred?

Lfrizz

What the hell happened to the scene where Harry&Co. smoke out the cabin/shed with Hagrid Cheech and Chong style?

This is an essential part of highschool. We all know it took place. So enough with this PG censored crap.

I want a "SHIT THEY SHOULD HAVE SHOWN" edition feat. Ron is the crack dealer and this is why he got the hot chick. Harry is a closet rastafarian and this is why he looks like he never bathes. And Hagrid is growing a field of hash on Hogwarts lawn.

the end.

bill.marks

achievement of his own, and not Hermione, who is the brainy child of two Muggle dentists and doesn't even have a goddamn owl trailer tent

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