Job Opportunities, Older Professors, and Angel Hair Pasta

Surely this is something every human has worried about at some point in their life, but let’s focus on the ladies at the moment. When it comes to man-woman sex, when is a woman a bad lay? I understand the “not reciprocating a hug” analogy, but I want specifics, dude! What should you take to be a (polite, somewhat disguised) signal that you’re doing it wrong?

Well, that’s a tough one, mainly because a girl I might consider a good lay might not be so to another dude, and vice versa. We all have our preferences. Some guys may like a girl who just lies there and makes a vinegar face. Me, not so much. Not really into the vinegar faces. Think of it as you would ordering food off a menu. While I like angel hair pasta in a red sauce with spicy meat balls, the next guy might prefer penne pasta with chicken in a mild cream sauce.

With that said, I think there are some universal common traits that most good lays have, and the main one is engagement. I feel safe in saying that most men don’t care to fuck a girl who just lies there looking pretty. While boys are often thrilled to merely have intercourse, a man tends to want to engage a woman’s mind and body. Engage. Communicate. And you don’t actually have to say words to do this! You can do it with a moan, a pant, a pull of the hair, a slight digging of fingernails into the flesh, a subtle squirm, etc. All of this translates to: “I like what you’re doing, please continue to do it.”

Also, don’t be afraid to be dominant every now and again. An exchange of power positions is healthy during sex, I think, and pretty damn fun. Oh, and reciprocate. If your lover gives you a massage and traces the outline of your entire body post-coitus, don’t be shy about doing the same for him. Shit feels good, man.

But ultimately, the most important thing you can do to be a good lay is to never forget the balls.

I have this guy friend. We had sex a couple of times a long time ago and I decided that it (sex with him) just wasn’t for me. I wasn’t really into it. Except … because I wasn’t really into it I saw it as an opportunity to basically do whatever the fuck I wanted to this guy? Like? During the sex? To make it fun for myself? And he LOVED that and absolutely refuses to let the experiences go and maintains that they were the best sexual experiences of his life. What?! Yeah. So I told him that there was no way that I was going to have sex with him.

But … this guy friend also happens to be making a very large sum of money and in his mind he is essentially in the position to be giving it away. So … um, he asked me if I would have sex with him if he took me out for a really nice dinner and then paid me $500? And he was serious. I’m unemployed, broke, not to mention I’m trying to move to another city? So I’m, like, kind of considering it. OK not kind of. I’m, like, actually considering it.

He’s talking about it as more than a one time deal so I could pretty much make some major money absurdly and then bail and start my life in a new city and never. do. that. again.

Although he is the kind of person who’d pay his hot friend to slap him around and ride his dee, he is not the kind of person who’d tell a lot of people, or even anyone about it. Should I do this??? If you say no … can you make an effort to please make it about something other than what it will mean to me after it’s over? i.e., self-esteem ruined, can I live with being a whore, who am I, blah blah blah. That argument really isn’t cutting it for me right now. And if you say yes, can you tell me how not to have it mean those things to me after it’s over?

Are you kidding me … DO IT! This actually strikes me as a quite reasonable, forward-thinking arrangement. And it’s a mutual exchange that you’ll both benefit from. Fucking go for it.

I know this is hard, but I’d say to throw out the negative connotations modern culture and society has successfully attached to a fair exchange of money for sex between consenting adults. I know it’s become sort of cliche to say this, but men pay for sex all the time. If he were dating a girl, he’d spend all kinds of money taking her out for dinner and drinks and buying her gifts and whatnot, and in this arrangement he gets to cut the bullshit, saving himself a lot of time and headaches in the process, and get what he truly wants right now — AND he gets to help you in the process.

So again, go for it. The way you described it, it’s kind of a no-brainer and I think you’d be sort of crazy not to. Look at it like this — if you were an animal rights activist who was a vegetarian for ethical reasons, and someone came to you with a choice of eating one of those Japanese shit burgers, which an animal didn’t have to die to produce, or a steak, which an animal did have to die for, I bet you’d probably choose the steak over the shit burger. That’s how I look at this situation.

Think of all the crap you’d have to do to earn $500 otherwise. Wait tables. Clean apartments. Peddle khakis in a soulless shopping mall. That’s a shit burger right there. On the other hand, you can spend an hour banging your guy friend’s brains out and take his money. That’s a steak.

And for the Hairpin commenters who I’m sure will be thrilled about this edition’s anonymous dude advising a lady to actually trade money for sex, effectively telling her that she should embrace being a “prostitute,” well, I’m curious to see how this unfolds.

OK. This is going to be kind of lengthy. I am completely crazy (and I mean, like holy shit,
haven’t-been-this-crazy-over-someone-since-I-was-15-and-horribly-stupid-about-this-sort-of-thing crazy) for this guy (let’s call him Don). Don is, so far as I can tell, everything I could ever possibly want in a guy. He’s intelligent, passionate about his work, funny in a goofy foreign sort of way (my favorite kind), and just generally fascinating, not to mention GORGEOUS. Or at least, I think so. Maybe he’s a bit odd looking, I don’t know or care. To be fair, there’s still a LOT to learn about the guy; I’ve only known him for a few months, and our relationship so far has been entirely professional. It has had to be — he is (was, as of today), one of my college professors. So yes, there’s taboo there. And yes, I’m much younger than he is (I suspect he’s in his mid 30s, though I’m not sure, and I’m 21), although that doesn’t bother me… I’ve always preferred older men, so if he’s OK with that then no big deal. My biggest problem right now is 1. I don’t want to put him in a position where he might lose his job, or even just the approval of his peers, and 2. He has a girlfriend.

Number one is fairly straightforward, I think: I’ll graduate soon enough, and as long as I don’t take any more of his classes I think it’s OK according to the school I attend. Two, however… I don’t know. She lives in another country. He’s been giving me “interested” signs all semester (in a non-skeevy-old-professor sort of manner). And I know that dating isn’t the same as being married, and yes I know that sounds bitchy, but you only have one life to live, right? And it’s not like I want to break them up just to sleep with him; I’d really like this to be something more than that.

So. Um. Actually I’m not sure WHAT I’m asking, but any advice? On any of it? How would YOU feel about dating a girl probably 10 years your junior (assuming you were old enough that that weren’t illegal)? I’ve never had any problem getting along with people of any age group, and am not really the wild-party-college-kid type. Have you ever pursued anyone despite knowing they had a bf/gf? Any info on how to go about that? (I know, I know. Don’t judge too harshly.) Know of any professors who ended up with former students?

Wow, this is quite a coincidence, as last summer I had a friend, an attractive girl in her late 20s, who started a relationship with one of her professors from college, a man in his early 60s. She had a situation that sounds similar to yours when she was in school — she was mildly obsessed with him, but he was married at the time, so she did nothing other than flirt, of course. And then a few years later things came together — he and his wife divorced, my friend and the professor ran into each other by happenstance, they went out for drinks and then slept together on that first date. However, it didn’t last much longer after that, as the vast age difference just presented too many problems.

So my advice to you would be to wait it out. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be and something will happen. I wouldn’t advise someone to try to break a couple up, because I a) believe in karma, and b) think it can lead to trust issues later on down the line if a full-blown relationship develops. I know it’s hard when you’re in love with someone, but I just think its best to not be the breaker-upper. Let it happen organically, if it’s going to happen at all. I’m not one for getting mixed up in somebody’s relationship. But maybe that’s just me.

I met a guy about a year and a half ago, and pretty much thought he was perfect for me. Friend of a friend, funny, smart, super creative. A few months later, we hooked up at his place (he initiated), and every time after that, he continued to initiate sexual contact. Of course, I loved it. Was totally smitten. Fast forward to a few months ago, when he, out of the blue, said he valued my friendship more than just hooking up and wanted to stop seeing me in that context. I acted nonchalant, but inside, I was kind of dying. He’s now seeing someone else, who’s about 10 years younger and super ugly, and he avoids hanging out with me one-on-one, even though he claims we’re still friends. I want to be friends/hang out with him, but he’s attached to the hip to this anorexic little ditz he’s fucking and I just can’t get past how much I dislike her. And again, he always comes up with shitty excuses as to why he can’t hang out with me alone. As a dude, I need your advice and opinions on what the hell is really going on here. And please be honest, since HE clearly can’t.

I don’t know how else to answer this — and it appears to be obvious — but it sounds like he simply likes the other girl more than he likes you. His relationship with her means more to him than his relationship with you does. That doesn’t mean he still doesn’t like you, it just means that pleasing her is more important to him than pleasing you.

Look, love and attraction are weird things. Just because this guy left you behind to run around with this other girl doesn’t mean she’s better than you in any way. It just means that he finds her more attractive, for whatever reason. It’s like I was saying earlier with pasta. So, at the risk of sounding like an asshole, get over it and move the hell on. Life is passing you by the more you sit around anguishing over this.

Now, can I share a story with you? Yes? Good. So a few years back, I split from the great love of my life after a long, tormented relationship. It needed to end, everyone knew this but us for the longest time, and when it finally did I spent weeks in the dumps, just being depressed and feeling sorry for myself and imagining my ex spending every night covered in other men’s semen. Finally, some friends intervened and showed up at my house one day and quite literally dragged me out. We went to this dive bar where we played pool and drank cheap beer. Despite being in the midst of a serious bout of depression, it was kinda great.

Anyway, there was this old man at the bar that night who just sat watching a hockey game without saying so much as a word, though he apparently heard me whining to my friends all night about how my life was over blah, blah, blah. So finally, right after last call was announced, I went over to the bar to buy my friends a final round of drinks and the old man spoke for the first time, just as he was polishing off his last drink.

“I couldn’t help but overhear…it sounds like you’re going through a breakup.”

“Yeah, it sucks.”

“Can I give you a piece of advice?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“To get over one, fuck many.”

He then took the last swig of his drink, slammed his glass on the bar, and walked out, like a goddamn phantom. I’ll never forget that. And you know what? The old dude was right. Just saying.

Previously: Old Debt, New Surprises, and Cities “Literally Crawling” With Men.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

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