No, I don’t have a personality disorder or whatever — I was married once upon a time. Before that, though, I had this name: Jane Marie Golombisky. “Go-lum-BISS-key” like that. I’m into the Golombiskys as a people, but right around the time I learned to write this unspellable, unsayable last name I started serial crushing so hard on the Brad Emersons and Joe Casteels of mid-Michigan. “Jane Casteel, pleasure’s mine.” See? She wears a tiara, that one.
After years of “No wonder you like golden whiskey!” I met a guy whose name was Feltes, which wasn’t the most comfy or easy to spell or say, but a little while later I married him and swapped out that mouthful from earlier for what I soon realized was even more of a pain in the ass. Now every prescription refill starts with “F-E-L-T-E-S. F as in Frank, E, L, T as in Tom, E, S as in Sam.” Nine times out of 10 my reservation is under “Seltes.”And plus besides also, that Feltes dude is now my EX-husband of years and years and we didn’t even have any kids, so it’s like “F as in Fuck THAT Guy, E, L, T as in Together for maybe three years Tops?, E, S as in SUUUCKS to have to say this guy’s weird name all the time, ugh.” Not to mention it’s pronounced “FELL-tiss” which is kind of gross.
So I’ve decided it’s time to move on. I’m gonna go by Jane Marie now, my two remaining birth names, and just leave it at that despite my current boyfriend having a totally covetous surname. (I’ve done a lot of growing, honey! It’s not you, it’s me.)
Jane Marie produces the radio program "This American Life."