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Monday, July 25, 2011

51

How to Not Sleep With a Particular Person You Keep Sleeping With

1. Delete his phone number.

2. Also delete all text messages and call records. Leave no trace.

3. Look at you, not giving a fuck. Let’s drink to celebrate your devastating power and confidence.

4. Let’s keep on drinking to how confident you are, it’s really confident.

5. Random fact, did you know you could go through your old phone bills online and see what numbers text messages were sent and received from? What? No, no reason.

6. Time machine.

Wilma P. is a mess.

51 Comments / Post A Comment

hairspin

hahahahahaaaa!

thisisunclear

7. Marry him.
(I mean...jk married ladies!)

williamjoel

Get into a huge fight with him, trash talk him to the point where all of your friends unfriend him on Facebook, secretly Gchat him non-sequiturs a few weeks later. He'll think you're cray-cray.

City_Dater

@doomz

...and you'll still be sleeping with him!

Greg Allan

@doomz That'll just make him want you even more...

Lily Rowan

But you can't delete his number! Then you might answer/write back, not realizing it's him!

Ophelia

@Lily Rowan Yes! Didn't we have advice about this recently? I think you're supposed to change his name in your phone to "Has scabies and screams like a girl."

leonstj

@Lily Rowan Now that cellphones can store multiple numbers for the same person, it's good to have a "IGNORE ME" contact, which includes everyone you need to, well, ignore.

The trick is, it can't be just ex's, cuz then you'll be drunk and answer it sometimes. In order to make sure you actually "ignore", make sure it includes bill collectors and old racist uncles as well as people you shouldn't sleep with but totally would if they called right now because I mean sure they're a jerk but oohhhhhhhhh the sex.....

williamjoel

@leon.saintjean I have a former friend listed as "I Ditched You For An Asshole" for this very purpose.

ShamelaAndrews

@doomz I have an ex in my phone right now as "John Bad Idea But You Know You're Going To Do It Anyway"

Lily Rowan

@ShamelaAndrews: Hahaha!

@The rest of yez: good call!

ShamelaAndrews

Get into a huge fight with him, defriend him on Facebook. Get drunk on Blue Moon because you ran out of Diet Coke and you were thirsty. Add him on Facebook a year after you broke up. Panic. Laugh at Google search history in the morning "How ot undoo freind reqeust teh facebok?"

Napoleon

@ShamelaAndrews "teh facebok"!!

ShamelaAndrews

@ShamelaAndrews "teh facebok" shall be my undoing. That which nourishes me shall destroy me...

ShamelaAndrews

Alternately: Delete his number. Bask in your confidence. Begin to have anxiety when you realize that every time he texts you and you refuse to put him back in your contacts it results in you memorizing his cell phone number. Now realize you know all 3 of your exes cell phone numbers by heart.

didgeridoo

@ShamelaAndrews you've been spying on me, haven't you?

muffalutta

@ShamelaAndrews Leave your phone at home when you go out so you won't be tempted. Horrify yourself by not only remembering their numbers, but also using them to text from other people's phones.

ShamelaAndrews

@muffalutta That is some next level How To Be a Crazy Ex shit right there. Plus one to you ma'am!

redheaded&crazy

@ShamelaAndrews oh god i've done this. the drunken delete but you just happen to glimpse at the number and you're like okay but i'm drunk so I won't remember it and then you pretend to yourself for a week that you don't remember it and try to mix the numbers up in your head but it doesn't work because WHY IS MY MEMORY LIKE A BEAR TRAP ALL OF A SUDDEN.

ShamelaAndrews

@redheadedandcrazy Its like the more I try NOT to think about the numbers, the more I memorize them? I can seriously rattle off 3 right now. Which is just further entrenching them in my memory-- I can't stop!!!

Ophelia

8. Stop going to that bar with hot bartenders.

kayjay

This is why all electronic devices (cell phones, computers, etc) should have Alco-sensors attached to them.

likethestore

I dutifully deleted all texts and phone numbers but the phone bill thing is dangerous information.

MerelyGoodExpectations

9. Become his TA

(j/k, that doesn't actually work)

sarahchristine

If someone could help me out with a "How To... Delete Numbers From Your Brain" post, I'd really appreciate it.

I remember my ex's 4 numbers (home, personal cell, work, work cell) along with previous ex's numbers. Could not tell you my best friend's though.

Megasus

@sarahchristine My trick seems to be having the number saved in the phone, then it always just shows up as a name. The only phone # I know by heart is my home phone. Not my cell even. Not even the bf's cell! Oh also almost never using the cell phone helps with this.

loudmouthedgirl

With regard to this particular situation, I think I need the time machine option. I believe I was behind the door when the devastating power and confidence were handed out. My knee-jerk response is usually start sleeping with other people while still sleeping with bad-news person, so it, you know, balances out?

rocknrollunicorn

Alternate #7: Steal your friend's phone while she is in the bathroom and find his number in there.

That was years ago, though. Now I have a little card in my nightstand with the numbers of the 3 or 4 significant mistakes of the past decade. God, I'm old.

ShamelaAndrews

Random question. When I look back over comments in a thread, mine are highlighted sort of lavender-ish. Like they have a lavender box over them (around them?). Why is this? I would think it was just to help me find my own comment in a thread, but other people have them too, like sarahchristine, and likethestore and Ophelia. What does it all MEAN???

likethestore

@ShamelaAndrews The comments just alternate between lavender and regular, that's all!

ShamelaAndrews

OMG. Now I feel like an idiot. They are gonna revoke my Smart Girl Membership.....

Legs Battaglia

did you know that once you email someone from your iphone, you can't delete that email address from automatically popping up unless you wipe your phone clean? it is haaaaard to remove every trace of someone!

nerds

I love this series so much. Please never stop!

gfrancie

7. Make the other person move to another timezone. Another country (but not a cool one) is even better.

theharpoon

@gfrancie No but the time zone thing creates problems because what if they are on the west coast and you are on the east coast and so when it is late and you are drunk enough to contact them, they are sober. Vice versa might be ok though?

gfrancie

@theharpoon Obviously they have to move ahead of your time zone. Though that might mean they live in Europe...So they might become suddenly interesting because they live abroad and that seems hip. Okay the only solution is to murder them, bury them in the garden and take up growing beautiful roses.

redheaded&crazy

Important question: do guys have this problem? I mean, not to be all "the sexes are soo different" which is exactly what I'm doing so I'm just gonna go ahead and revoke my feminist card and also DISCLAIMER that I'm sure lots of guys do it, and lots of girls don't do it, but it just seems to me as though dudes tend to have a lot more self-restraint when it comes to drunk texting exes or contacting exes at all.

And I consider myself to have pretty good restraint actually. BUT STILL!

ShamelaAndrews

@redheadedandcrazy Well I don't ever get drunk texts from guys, but every Saturday night my phone rings at least once with a slurring ex on the other end of the line. "Whatreeeeeeee you doin pretty LAYdee?"

HoliandIvy

@redheadedandcrazy
I'm 40, a chick, had what I believe to be an above average amount of fun in my 20s and early 30s, and I am completely mystified by this. Life and friendships have taught me otherwise, of course, but I can't ~quite~ shake the deep down feeling that this stuff was all made up by the people that write those insulting Kate Hudson movies that make women look crazy and desperate.

redheaded&crazy

@HoliandIvy wait ... what are you completely mystified by? The article above? My comment being all gender binary sexism? what have life and friendships taught you?!

obviously I know nothing about anything because I'm confused!

HoliandIvy

@redheadedandcrazy
The apparently, specifically female, behavior.
Even though I have had (female) friends who have done such things, I am completely incapable of personally imagining the thought process that would lead to even desiring to do so myself, now or at 22. With regard to sex differences, I know guys do booty call exes, but that seems more like the highest likelihood of sex with the least amount of effort, rather than a need to re-establish connection.
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear.

redheaded&crazy

@HoliandIvy Right. So I'm thinking about the two times my boyfriend and I have broken up - the first time, I broke up with him and he was the first one to initiate contact and invite me out to plans, and I think ultimately made the move to get back together.

The second time was more or less reversed except with me doing the drunk needy bullshit that I revile. In the past I've been very: this relationship is over, I'm never talking to you again and deleting you out of my life. I guess the difference this time around is that I care more? Or maybe because we have mutual friends?

Anyways I guess it seems like my personal experience is 50/50 on it, and now I'm reminded of another ex I had who contacted me a few times to hang out even when I never reciprocated any interest or initiating. So ... maybe I've just been so completely brainwashed by Kate Hudson romantic comedies that I can't tell reality from movie making madness?

Oh god I'm just thinking way too much about this now.

rocknrollunicorn

@redheadedandcrazy Anecdotally, I know that, personally, I have drunk texted men more often than they have drunk texted me. Most of my female friends seem the same. I think some of this is actually predicated on the SUPPOSED difference between the sexes, though. Like, men might do this less because they think that if there is a history, they may be really opening a can of worms, in that they'd be indicating a renewed interest when they really just want some sex, and they assume that women are not as casual about sex. Whereas we, as women, might assume that men are totally always up for NSA sex and don't think we need to consider that we might be inviting trouble in the form of renewed, unwanted, ongoing interest on their part.

I hope that makes sense.

redheaded&crazy

@rocknrollunicorn Hmm that does make sense! And in the experience of my friends I would definitely say that my female friends tend to do the majority of the drunk texting as well.

I'm sure the matter of who got dumped plays into it as well.

Ham Snadwich

@redheadedandcrazy Yeah, we do. At least I did. I had two separate exes that liked to hit me up on instant messenger to "hang out" when they were in town.

@redheadedandcrazy I must say, the first few times I got desperate drunk texts, I thought it was so pathetic that it completely disgusted me enough from doing it myself. But I AM guilty of the, "let's hang sometime" vague-type text after a few months.

Xora

Go ahead and sleep with that person, but DO NOT call me and whine to me that you did it, make excuses why you did it, tell me blatant lies about how it happened by accident, etc. Sleep with him and don't tell me, okay?

redheaded&crazy

@Xora OH MY GOSH - go ahead and sleep with that person, but don't message me FIRST being like "convince me not to do this" because ughhhhhhhhhh we both know what's going to happen here.

redheaded&crazy

@redheadedandcrazy ... do I come off as unsympathetic?

NellieBly

@redheadedandcrazy Hahaha. Nope. "Please tell me that it's ok to do what I'm going to do anyway." "No." "You're mean." "Cool. See you tomorrow."

Xora

@redheadedandcrazy Maybe, if by unsympathetic you mean "having healthy boundaries and not trying to take responsibility for other people's bullshit."

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