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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

96

Qupcakes

Do you ever have one of those days when you're reading the Internet and all of a sudden there's an article on Qream and you're like, "holy shit I totally saw that in my liquor store on Sunday!"? And then you're strangely compelled to buy this stuff even though a) you hate cream liqueurs, b) you hate the idea of alcohol specifically marketed to women, and c) you have absolutely no idea what you'll do with it once you buy it? Let's say you had one of those days, and now you have this 750 ml THING of lactose-free peach whatever, and Pharell tells you that aside from pouring the whole thing in a martini glass and watching Lady Television you could make "pastries and cupcakes" with it. Challenge accepted.

Pharell, I get it. Ladies love baking and drinking, and I'm saying that completely un-ironically. I bake a lot. I drink a lot. But I think something got messed up when they went from "baking and drinking are good" to "ladies will bake with and drink THIS PARTICULAR NON-LACTOSE CREAMY STUFF, RIGHT?" So, experiment time, since recipes are still "coming soon" on their website. I'm not enough of a baker to whip up my own recipe, but I do it enough to realize that just dumping this into a normal batch of cupcakes would mess up whatever liquid/dry stuff ratio there is and make for unsatisfying cupcakes. After some repeated Google searches for "liquor cupcakes" I got this recipe for Bailey's Irish Creme cupcakes, and since there were no other flavors that would totally offend if I just substituted Qream for Bailey's, it's time.

However, it's also time to consider the batch size, since obviously you can't just buy a half-cup of Qream to use for the recipe. First there's the risk of whether you will find Qream enjoyable on its own. If you do, Mazel! Make however many cupcakes you want and drink the rest, or just fuck the cupcakes and bathe yourself in it like the Queen Pharell knows you are. However, in the extreme likelihood that it tastes like peach-air-freshener-flavored Nesquik, you're going to have a bunch of leftover stuff that you stupidly bought for $25 or whatever and you don't want that to go to waste. And here we are at the second risk: how the cupcakes actually taste. Again, if they taste great, wonderful! You've made 24 and you can bring them into work and everyone will give you a raise, and then continue making them until you're all out of Qream. If not, shit, you've made 24 and you bring them into the office just to get the physical manifestation of your failure out of your apartment and everyone tastes them and fires you. Or you throw them out, and doesn't that make you feel guilty? I don't know, there are a lot of risks with this whole experiment. I'm halving the recipe and making 12.

1. Preheat the oven to 350, and in a electric mixing bowl (or with a hand mixer, or by hand) cream 6 Tbsp butter and 3/4 cup sugar. Put on some N.E.R.D., so you can try to understand the mindset of the monster who would create such a beverage.

2. In a separate bowl mix 1 1/4 cups flour, 1 1/2 tsp baking powder, 1/4 tsp salt and 1/4 cinnamon.

3. Add one whole egg and one egg white to the butter/sugar mixture, and then add 1 tsp vanilla extract.

4. Add the flour mixture to the butter/sugar/egg mixture in batches, alternating with a little over 1/4 cup of Qream. Do not let anyone take a picture of the face you make while you do this. It'll just be bad.

5. Line a 12-cupcake tin with paper cups, or butter that shit, and fill each 2/3 the way up with the batter. Bake for 15 minutes and let cool on a rack.

6. If you want to make some butterQream (sorry) beat 1/2 cup of butter, 2 cups of powdered sugar and 1 1/2 Tbps Qream and spread on top.

To my absolute shock the cupcakes actually tasted great, probably because they tasted not like artificial peach flavoring but more like light, vanilla-y cupcakes with a hint of peach. The butterQream (I can't stop) tasted more like straight artificial peach but I think that's because I ran out of powdered sugar and began using the granulated stuff so it was all weird anyway. Unfortunately, this positive result gave me the chutzpah to drink some straight Qream and it was the worst oh my god. It just...does Pharell think ladies don't have taste buds? Is this the logical product of that "bitches and hos" part of hip-hop culture, where they think women don't deserve to taste good things? I don't even know, but if you're suddenly overcome with the urge to buy what is surely a bottle of jizz after the guy ate a peach cobbler, know that your cupcakes will turn out pretty good!

P.S. I am open to suggestions as to what to do with the rest of this Qream. Hos Qreaming Hos, anyone? Or will I just have no friends if I do that?

Jaya Saxena was born in Manhattan and now lives in Queens, next to a liquor store that stocks Qream. She works for the New-York Historical Society, and her writing has appeared in Gothamist, The Faster Times, and Entertainment Weekly. She can't stop giggling at the word "Qream."

96 Comments / Post A Comment

ejcsanfran

Mmmmm - qupqakes!

raised amongst catalogs

Just want to acknowledge your bravery and your sacrifice. Oh, and I want to give you a high-five for creating the phrase "bottle of jizz after the guy ate a peach cobbler".

raised amongst catalogs

@vanillawaif Sorry, I meant saqrifice.

wallsdonotfall

UGH. I know liquor doesn't always freeze well, but what the hell--may I suggest ice Qream? Swapping the Baileys out in this recipeor similar looks like it should work.

Or, ew ew ew, peach Qream pie?

Edith Zimmerman

@wallsdonotfall I sqream u sqream.

sp8ce

@wallsdonotfall Try freezing it with dry ice.

Anita Ham Sandwich

Blargh, thinking about that stuff makes me blow qhunks.

atipofthehat

@Anita Ham Sandwich

But drinking it won't--thanks to Qream's superior coating action!

Anita Ham Sandwich

@atipofthehat
Ha, it's like anti-ipeqaq!

parallel-lines

The next challenge, should you choose to accept it: find appropriate mixers and fashion a qocktail worthy of a Happy Hour post.

(and good work on those cupcakes!)

jamie schuh

jaya, this is beautiful. i want some.

Jolie Kerr

You probably should have used more butter in your butterQream and also you should never apologize for coining terms like 'butterQream' because lollll grossss (I mean that in the good way.)

Jolie Kerr

(Also in the future please feel free to Google 'Jolie Kerr email address' instead of 'liquor cupcakes')

leonstj

@Jolie Kerr Butterqream is both a dessert topping and a floor wax!

Gin and Jewess

@Jolie Kerr How do you clean cookiemouth-laughspray off a laptop? Cause I seriously did that, right after reading step 4.

cherrispryte

@Jolie Kerr Related - I made margarita cupcakes a month ago, but used Swiss Meringue Buttercream rather than usual buttercream, and they were AMAZING.

Jolie Kerr

@Gin and Jewess Canned air

leonstj

Peaches & Qream Brulee.

atipofthehat

@leon.saintjean

Qreamcicles!

parallel-lines

@leon.saintjean Peaches & Herb (one shot of this, one giant spliff, Reunited and feeling GOOD.

Judith Slutler

@parallel-lines pfffffffffhahaha

atipofthehat

@parallel-lines

A new flavor of General Foods International Coffee.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@atipofthehat What was that producer's name?

shannonmkennedy@twitter

Put that shit in a Super Soaker and spray it at teenagers. Fuck 'em!

parallel-lines

@shannonmkennedy@twitter I'm picturing teenagers frantically sucking their oversize t-shirts and licking their arms in desparate attempts at inebriation.

melis

"This 750 ml THING of lactose-free peach whatever"

But that's just IT, it's not even lactose-free, it is 95 PERCENT LACTOSE FREE, which doesn't even mean anything so why would you make that claim in your ad copy? I don't know why this bothers me so much, as I am not lactose-intolerant, but it doooooooeeessss.

cherrispryte

@melis I am assuming my lactose-intolerant stuff can just not drink 5% of the bottle and be fine? That's how it works, right?

cherrispryte

@cherrispryte Ahhh "self" not "stuff." I am a mess today.

melis

Just to be safe, better not drink 100% of the bottle. To be safe.

likethestore

The closeup of the Qream in the glass made me gag. Holy shit.

elysian fields

@likethestore it looks like this completely vile liquid antibiotic I had to take as a child. I can almost taste the horribleness in the back of my throat, aggghhhhh

Megasus

@elysian fields That banana stuff? Yeah, that stuff was pretty disgusting. I think it's part of the reason why, to this day, fake banana flavouring makes me want to barf (but real bananas in stuff is OK as long as they are not too like, goopy, if that makes sense).

Quinciferous

@likethestore It really reminds me of the barium milkshake you have to drink before you have weird diagnostics done on your digestive system. That stuff is thick, chalky, radioactive and VILE. Glorp borp borp, vommmit.

City_Dater

Maybe just keep experimenting with it in cakes and cookies until it is gone? Or tie a bunch of pink ribbons around the bottle and give it to some teens who have expressed an interest in drinking which you want to discourage?
It looks like hair conditioner. Or "theraputic" milk bath.

Janestreet

Hos Qreaming Hos... Oh my god. I die.

fashion socks

Right now, Pharell should seriously be like: "Jaya, call me", because nothing else but this post could make me want to purchase Qream.

Tyrantanic

Is it bad that I kinda want "Hos Qreaming Hos" to become a thing?

In all seriousness, though, this stuff has my gag reflex working overtime.

Layla

I just love everything about this post. I just imagine you possessed, zombielike, on a Qream qupqake mission. Also, what about milkqshaqes? They'll a.) be alcoholic and b.) just taste like whatever ice cream you use,

SarahDances

@Layla But if you do go the milqshaque route, be forewarned that they may bring all the boys to your yard. So, you know, fair warning.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

There was a lot of Qriocity as to who would be the first to Embarq on this Qwest.

jstar

@Butterscotch Stalin aahahahhah Qriocity. love it.

DrFeelGood

Is hos qreaming hos like bros icing bros?

elysian fields

@DrFeelGood I hope to God yes.

Tyrantanic

@DrFeelGood Gotta take aknee to do it, though

Jolie Kerr

I can't believe I'm going to sully the good name of one of my recipes but... maybe you could substitute Qream for milk and peaches for cherries in the clafoutis recipe? Qream Qlafoutis?

Jaya Harrover Saxena@facebook

@Jolie Kerr Yes, yes, a million times yes. And there is a strawberry Qream too, if strawberry Qlafoutis sounds more appealing?

formergr

@Jolie Kerr I love clafoutis! Plum is my favorite, though. Not sure I'd want to ruin it by adding Qream to it...

Jolie Kerr

@Jaya Harrover Saxena@facebook I mean, I don't think any form of Qlafoutis sounds appealing? But yet? COMPELLED TO TRY IT.

kitten_witawip

@Jolie Kerr At $25 a pop you should borrow Jaya's left over qbottle to make it.

Jolie Kerr

AAAAAAAH I JUST NOTICED YOUR SPOONREST I HAVE THE SAME ONE WANNA COME OVER AND BAKE THINGS WITH QREAM AND MAKE QREME FACES AT EACH OTHER???

Jolie Kerr

@Jolie Kerr Spelling the same thing two different ways in the same comment was a nice touch, dumbass.

kitten_witawip

@Jolie Kerr See my comment above. I can see you two qvelling dreaming up quirky recipes.

KatnotCat

@Jolie Kerr "Qreme faces" sounds absolutely filthy.

Clare

Nice work, Jaya. There but for the grace of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board go I.

Tip: If you're out of powdered sugar, you can throw regular sugar in the food processor or blender and let it rip. A good 30 seconds will get your sugar almost powdery.

Speaking of cream liqueurs: Does anyone else remember Tequila Rose? One of my college classmates used to loooooooove the stuff.

sarahf

@Clare I've also heard you can add some corn starch to the sugar as well. I made a brown sugar frosting once and that was the formula. Never tried it with granulated sugar, however.

This was the recipe:
http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/08/peach-cupcakes-with-brown-sugar-frosting/

cloudburst

@Clare pretty sure there's a bottle of tequila rose languishing in my parents' liquor cabinet that's about as old as I am

18thfloor

Am I the only one who keeps reading this as Queam?

noodge

@18thfloor ...to stock in your cabinet, right next to your Courvoithier?

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@18thfloor Thanks a lot. You just made me laugh-cry at my desk.

ejcsanfran

@18thfloor: I have a difficult time not saying "cue ream" - you know, like Qbert.

annepersand

@teenie I just actually cackled. I didn't know my mouth could make that noise.

melmuu

Quongratulations. How wonderful.

OhShesArtsy

Oh god, the stuff looks as much like jizz as the name suggests.

Seriously? Why do marketing people think women feel the need to "spoil" selves with such ... er... "opulence"...? Can I just be a man and drink rum instead?

MeghanElizabeth

Qream is a prime candidate for shot roulette. It's like spin the bottle, except instead of people, you have bottles of booze. Whatever the spinning bottle lands on you have to take a shot of. Yes, it's a disgusting game and my friends are idiots, but they're also kind of genius in their innovative "get-rid-of-gross-alcohol" strategies.

pkle

@MeghanElizabeth I had friends in college who would do something like this with whiskey and fish sauce: make 1 less real shot than everyone who is playing, and 1 shot of the EERILY SAME COLOUR AND TEXTURE fish sauce. I can't quite remember what the point of their game was, though, as clearly it wasn't a means of getting rid of gross alcohol. Just schadenfreude?

Jolie Kerr

Oh another thing! I think the reason the center of your qupqakes collapsed is that you used too much baking powder. Also I'm not sure if qream is acidic or basic (alcoholic products can be either, I have no earthly idea how you'd tell WHERE IS ASK A SCIENTIST ALREADY??) but if it's acidic then you should use baking soda, not powder.

makingtrouble

@Jolie Kerr god jolie you really are the bestest ever

pollykettle

@Jolie Kerr i think they collapsed because maybe she opened the oven while they were baking...that's what i always do anyway

hairpindude

@Jolie Kerr Well one way to test if something is an acid or a base is to mix it with things you know are acids (lemon juice) or bases (bleach). Acids mix with acids and bases mix with bases, but if you have one of each they react a little, putting out bubbles and precipitating a salt (some solidish white gunk). But you probably don't want to just mix random things all willy nilly or you might end up with a bleach + ammonia situation. But to be honest I imagine that Qream is a going to be too weakly acidic or basic to really react with anything.

thebestjasmine

Does anyone have the Prince song "Qream" going through their head as they read this whole post and the comments?

Bebe

@thebestjasmine OMG, yes!

Qream
What is this slop?
Qream
Make it stop
Qream
(puke) Get a mop
Qream
Sh-boogie yeah

likethestore

@thebestjasmine I've had Teenage Dream in my head all day only now it's Teenage Qream.

young preeezy

Maybe try a butterQream frosting recipe to complement the cupcakes? I was enjoying the recipes and pictures, and then was all 'OHMYGOD $24.99!? SERIOUSLY, PHARRELL???"

SO yeah, maybe try to use some Qream up with a good frosting recipe, because $24.99 is QUITE a lot for not-so-great-on-its-own-tasting liqueur.

I also saw 'ice qream' and mixed cocktail suggestions, so maybe combine the two and create a Qreamed rootbear float!

pkle

Reading all the comments on this article right before trying out my new 'creamy swirled fruit' gummy-vitamin calcium supplements was maybe not the best idea ever.

Nutellaface

@pkle Qalcium supplements.

Nutellaface

The butterqream looks like what I've always imagined yeast infection to look like.

pkle

@Nutellaface Ok, I did not look at it like that before, but yeah - it looks pretty much exactly like that. Yeast infeqtion?

PS the qalcium was not so bad after all!
Gummy vitamins > 95% lactose-free anything.

fondue with cheddar

@Nutellaface That exactly what I thought of when I saw it. That or fine-curd cottage cheese. Either way, EW.

bisou

for these cupcakes, might i suggested adding another 1/4 c of flour? that way, they won't be so sunken in! YEAH YOU WELCOME.

johannapanda@twitter

All I can think of is that Qream is something to treat "Feminine itch" or a yeast infection.

"Honey, can you go pick up some milk, bread and a tube of Qream? I'm really hurting here."

AdrenaC

@johannapanda@twitter Love this. Makin' me giggle.

Swisschard

Make fudge, or more specifically, "fudge" (the kind you make with marshmallow fluff). Add some vanilla and make it a peaches-and-cream thing, and the amount of sugar in fudge covers many sins. I had some sickening raspberry liquor that was awful in every mixed drink known to man, but was actually tasty in fudge form. The fluff is terrifying, but I don't know how else to make a white fudge.

Becca

You know those potion bottles that turned you into a mouse in the movie Witches? I'm not drinking this stuff.

CupKates

Cassie? Cassie Murdoch is that you?! I recognize your counnntterssssss!!
SORRY, I'm back. Thank you, Jaya, for this wonderful post. You are braver than many.

j-furr

Is it just me or to the bottles make it look like Qream and Crown (Qrown?) Royal should be betrothed?

nerdicity

I have nothing qlever to say about qream, only that we are dying with laughter. We are going to make qream qupqakes for the Philly Pinup.

rubiksboob

Pudding shot! qudding shots? pudding shoqs?

Skyvue

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samjohn4810

I am open to suggestions as to what to do with the rest of this Qream. Hos Qreaming Hos, anyone? Or will I just have no friends if I do that Nanny Melbourne

samjohn4810

martini glass and watching Lady Television you could make "pastries and cupcakes" with it. Challenge accepted. The magical world of hot tubs

robertgerman

Wonderful, just what a blog it is! This blog has provided the helpful data to us continue the good work. Eric

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