Peach Ice Qream

Having Qream in the kitchen is an incredible investment, something I think is necessary for any urbane household. It’s a conversation piece (“I think that milk you poured into a cognac bottle went bad,” says your neighbor. “No, that’s just Qream, and it’s absolutely supposed to look like that!”), and its smell will prevent your cats from ever jumping on the kitchen counter again. Mostly it’s a motivator, because if you don’t make more stuff with it you’re just going to have this most-of-a-bottle-of-Qream sitting next to your espresso machine forever, and soon you’ll be too afraid to even touch it and then THE QREAM HAS WON. So, armed with Qream and my favorite housewarming gift, we’re cooking with Qream again. This time: peach ice qream with whipped qream.

OK, for this one you’re going to need some form of ice cream maker, whether it’s the awesome one where you just plug it in, the one that you kick around on the floor, or that one you made in fifth grade science class out of coffee cans fished from the trash. There’s something about putting it in an ice cube tray and then a food processor, or in a bag or something, and far be it for me to judge how you do this. Everyone qreams differently! So pick your method and let’s go!

1. Whip two eggs until they’re all light and fluffy. Add 3/4 cup sugar and whip until even fluffier.
2. Add 1 3/4 cups heavy cream, 1 cup milk (whole, if possible) and 1/4 cup Qream.


3. Pour this whole mixture into your ice cream machine and do what it tells you. You’ll probably need to keep it going longer than for most recipes, since the alcohol makes it freeze slower. If you so desire, cut up one peach or a handful of strawberries (depending on your Qream) and toss that into the mixture. Don’t you feel better about yourself? You’re eating fruit! Look at you!


4. Pour the whole thing out into an airtight container and throw it in the freezer for a few hours.

In the meantime, make your whipped cream! Just beat a 3/4 cup of heavy cream, 1/4 cup of sugar, and 1/4 cup of Qream together until you get those sexy, stiff peaks everyone is talking about.

Again, the results are not bad but not good. The dish’s aftertaste was compared to that of Snackwells, a similar treat where if your parents gave you some as a kid, you somehow felt you were being punished even though they insisted it was a good thing. And you’re just thinking, “Yay, ice cream! Ice cream is great! Why isn’t this ice cream being great?” And then you look down and again realize you have SO MUCH LEFT so you just throw it back in the freezer, never to be found again! Whatever. Here are some things you may hear around your household while cooking with Qream:

“That’s not as bad as you told me it was going to be!”
“Can we start cooking with chocolate wine next?”
“The ice cream cuts the horribleness.”
“Why is Qream so watery? I thought it was cream?”
“Why does it say ‘CONTAINS CERTIFIED COLOR’ on the back?”
“This is like the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter of ice cream.”
“This isn’t lactose free anymore, is it?”
“The frozen peaches are nice!”
“My stomach hurts.”

Previously: Qupcakes.

Jaya Saxena is wondering how everyone is pronouncing Qream. Is it “Cream?” “Kweam?” “Cue-ream?” “Kareem?” What’s going on? She also wonders how it relates to this.

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