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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

84

Peach Ice Qream

Having Qream in the kitchen is an incredible investment, something I think is necessary for any urbane household. It's a conversation piece ("I think that milk you poured into a cognac bottle went bad," says your neighbor. "No, that's just Qream, and it's absolutely supposed to look like that!"), and its smell will prevent your cats from ever jumping on the kitchen counter again. Mostly it's a motivator, because if you don't make more stuff with it you're just going to have this most-of-a-bottle-of-Qream sitting next to your espresso machine forever, and soon you'll be too afraid to even touch it and then THE QREAM HAS WON. So, armed with Qream and my favorite housewarming gift, we're cooking with Qream again. This time: peach ice qream with whipped qream.

OK, for this one you're going to need some form of ice cream maker, whether it's the awesome one where you just plug it in, the one that you kick around on the floor, or that one you made in fifth grade science class out of coffee cans fished from the trash. There's something about putting it in an ice cube tray and then a food processor, or in a bag or something, and far be it for me to judge how you do this. Everyone qreams differently! So pick your method and let's go!

1. Whip two eggs until they're all light and fluffy. Add 3/4 cup sugar and whip until even fluffier.
2. Add 1 3/4 cups heavy cream, 1 cup milk (whole, if possible) and 1/4 cup Qream.


3. Pour this whole mixture into your ice cream machine and do what it tells you. You'll probably need to keep it going longer than for most recipes, since the alcohol makes it freeze slower. If you so desire, cut up one peach or a handful of strawberries (depending on your Qream) and toss that into the mixture. Don't you feel better about yourself? You're eating fruit! Look at you!


4. Pour the whole thing out into an airtight container and throw it in the freezer for a few hours.

In the meantime, make your whipped cream! Just beat a 3/4 cup of heavy cream, 1/4 cup of sugar, and 1/4 cup of Qream together until you get those sexy, stiff peaks everyone is talking about.

Again, the results are not bad but not good. The dish's aftertaste was compared to that of Snackwells, a similar treat where if your parents gave you some as a kid, you somehow felt you were being punished even though they insisted it was a good thing. And you're just thinking, "Yay, ice cream! Ice cream is great! Why isn't this ice cream being great?" And then you look down and again realize you have SO MUCH LEFT so you just throw it back in the freezer, never to be found again! Whatever. Here are some things you may hear around your household while cooking with Qream:

"That's not as bad as you told me it was going to be!"
"Can we start cooking with chocolate wine next?"
"The ice cream cuts the horribleness."
"Why is Qream so watery? I thought it was cream?"
"Why does it say 'CONTAINS CERTIFIED COLOR' on the back?"
"This is like the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter of ice cream."
"This isn't lactose free anymore, is it?"
"The frozen peaches are nice!"
"My stomach hurts."

Previously: Qupcakes.

Jaya Saxena is wondering how everyone is pronouncing Qream. Is it "Cream?" "Kweam?" "Cue-ream?" "Kareem?" What's going on? She also wonders how it relates to this.



84 Comments / Post A Comment

redheaded&crazy

So what does it say about you if peach ice qream is your favourite ice cream flavour?

Gnatalby

@redheadedandcrazy You staff the glory hole down at the bakery?

Ophelia

I think this dish needs a nice Qream syrup to go on top, like hot fudge. I will ponder how to make this and get back to you, but I think it involves a $hit-ton of sugar, some canned peaches, and the smallest possible amount of qream you can add and still say there's qream in it.

becky@twitter

@Ophelia qreame fraiche?

Ophelia

@becky@twitter mmmm.

iceberg

Kwuh-reem.

Edith Zimmerman

"Cream."

Edith Zimmerman

@Edith Zimmerman Pharrell qonfirms.

Alexandra Martell

@Edith Zimmerman This is also how I'm pronouncing it, but in my head it sounds oh-so-slightly different than "cream" because I'm really enunciating that Q.

Jaya

@aliemartell That's what I do! It sounds something like "Cu-reem."

becky@twitter

@Edith Zimmerman i can't help but sing this song in my head whenever someone brings up qream: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqd9Z0K-uvw

leonstj

@becky@twitter Nelly is going to be upset you're cheating on him.

becky@twitter

@leon.saintjean listen, 112 knows that if i'm sexy and i know it, i should clap my hands. nelly understands.

kapitalk

@Edith Zimmerman Interviewer: "What does it taste like?" Pharrell [takes a deep breath]: "...".

sam.i.am

@becky@twitter I've got this one stuck in my head...

http://youtu.be/GtUVQei3nX4

Dancercise

@kapitalk It should not have taken the man 7 seconds to come up with an answer.

becky@twitter

@Dancersize he was in a state of ecstasy just thinking about qream.

Katie Walsh

@becky@twitter @sam.i.am Ohhh I like this game! This is the one I get stuck in my head when I think about Qream:
http://youtu.be/NKhvFcB-dWU

becky@twitter

@Katie Walsh i can't watch that video and not think of prince in bright yellow assless chaps. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_o-qHWEt1Pgs/ScnCjsxqGgI/AAAAAAAABJM/PVF8r9bpko4/s400/prince_ass.jpg

becky@twitter

@sam.i.am i blame those sun drop commercials.

Katie Walsh

@Edith Zimmerman Who brainwashed sexy sexy Pharrell and made him sell this "liqueur"? He does not sound convinced at all! Also LOL at the thought that "indulgence and women" were being ignored in the marketplace. Also, what the shit is in this stuff?

Katie Walsh

@Edith Zimmerman I'm going to keep commenting on this Pharrell video because I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS. I have to take umbrage with the description "lactose friendly." It is not lactose friendly! It is friendly to the lactose intolerant, but not to anyone with taste buds.

melis

IT WAS NEVER LACTOSE FREE.

Swisschard

@melis 90 percent of the time it was, I thought?

jetztinberlin

This is starting to give me Mockolate flashbacks.

HereKitty

@jetztinberlin What this ice qream needs is some chopped Fishtachios on top!

Alexandra Martell

Next installment should be Peaches n' Qream muffins, substituting sour cream that would normally go in muffins for Qream. Please.

Jolie Kerr

@aliemartell There's a part of me that can't believe I'm being this serious about the Qooking with Qream series but... that wouldn't work, because Qream's consistency is far, far more liquid than that of sour cream.

HOWEVER. Peach qobbler is a real possibility.

Ophelia

@Jolie Kerr Strawberry Shortqake?

Alexandra Martell

@Jolie Kerr I know, but I've seen a lot of muffin recipes that use milk (I just prefer sour cream so I always use that anyway), so I bet it could work. The batter would just be more like a cake batter and less like a thick, cookie-y batter. (I also cannot believe we're being this serious about qooking with Qream)

Jolie Kerr

@Ophelia LKASFHJSFLKH

On Monday night I was pissing and moaning about how I have Baker's Block and how I'm failing at following through on my commitment to The Awl's Summer Baking series and was like, "I mean, how bad would it be if I submitted a strawberry shortcake recipe?" and BOOM HERE YOU ARE.

Ophelia

@Jolie Kerr I am in your head. With banana qream pie.*

*barf.

pkle

@Ophelia Qreme brulee?

dr.funke

"Q.R.E.A.M." (I'm going to force this obvious connection down everyone's throats---just like drinking Qream)

cherrispryte

@dr.funke Queam Rules Everything Around Me?

parallel-lines

How much is left: WE NEED TO KNOW!

cherrispryte

@parallel-lines The answer will always be "too much".

cloudburst

HeyEyyyeyyy drink Qream everyday

Jolie Kerr

"Everyone qreams differently!"

HA HA HA EEW

Ophelia

@Jolie Kerr OMG, I totally bet that you could use it to do things like clean the brown residue off the inside of le creuset pots. There must be something caustic in there that would dissolve them. Though it might also dissolve the enamel.

Jolie Kerr

@Ophelia Someone just wrote in asking how to get rid of the strong urine smell her toilet emits. I think the answer, in all seriousness, might be to flush the tank out with Qream.

Ophelia

@Jolie Kerr True, but the resulting odor might actually be worse.

Jolie Kerr

@Ophelia Now I want to know what happens when you mix Qream with baking soda. Nuclear holocaust, I'd imagine.

becky@twitter

@Jolie Kerr the most delicious volcano the science fair has EVER seen!

Katie Walsh

@Jolie Kerr I barfed at the "everyone Qreams differently" line too.

Jolie Kerr

@Katie Walsh OxyClean.

becky@twitter

@Jolie Kerr OxyQream.

Katie Walsh

@becky@twitter Is that like where you crush up Oxycontins into a glass of Qream? It probably causes instant death, tweens who are listening!

becky@twitter

@Katie Walsh don't even think about swimming after consuming it.

laurel

"Ask a Qream Person"

becky@twitter

that photo is GLORIOUS.

Ophelia

re: snackwells, I always thought the reason they were good for you was because you'd never want to eat [insert selected baked good here] ever again. Those "chocolate" cookies with the "fudge" outside and the weird white frosting between the cookie and the fudge? I don't think they are actually food.

rootmarm

@Ophelia remember how the shiny surface was almost always covered in really depressing looking cracks from getting dinged up in the box?

Ophelia

@rootmarm Sigh. Totally.

becky@twitter

@Ophelia snackwells devils food cookies are part of my new 'stop eating foam from your couches and bras' 12 step program.

Choire

"Again, the results are not bad but not good." I'M IN. (Also: "1 cup milk (whole, if possible)." a;lsdjkfals;dfjk

YOU JUST PUT ALMOST TWO CUPS OF HEAVY CREAM IN THERE, plus an astounding amount of Qream!

Oh God I can't wait for the Qooking with Qream Qoocbook.

atipofthehat

@Choire

Oh, Qoire.

Jolie Kerr

@Choire I realize that this is Qream we're talking about, so really any amount is "astounding" but she only used a quarter qup of the stuff!

Jolie Kerr

@atipofthehat

Q: How do you pronounce Choire?
A: Qream

Jaya

@Choire It's ice cream! It's made of fattening stuff! Also, Qream is not creamy in the least. Disturbingly un-creamy.

Katie Walsh

@Jolie Kerr Qoire?

Jolie Kerr

@Katie Walsh

Q: How do you pronounce Qream?
A: Choire

Katie Walsh

@atipofthehat Somehow I didn't even notice you beat me to Qoire first! Great minds?

City_Dater

There's something so otherworldly and serene about viewing the setting sun through a bottle of 95% lactose-free alcoholic fruit beverage.

wharrgarbl

I'm kind of a little glad that Qream exists just because its existence has resulted in these columns.

pissy elliott

Do iles flottante in Qreme Anglaise!

pissy elliott

@pissy elliott Or don't. Ever. Don't ever do that. That would also work.

Lucienne

@pissy elliott Yeah, I vote for the second option...

MoonBat

"Why isn't this ice cream being great?"
Jaya, you and your qooking with qream, what is there not to love?

Katie Heaney

I never want us to stop talking about Qream ever, but I also feel like I've thrown up more appealing-looking liquids than Qream. (puqe? ahhhhh help me)

laurel

I'm sure your vomit is far prettier. That stuff is pure hobo vomit.

OMGSammiches

This has to stop because every time I see Qream I think I should make Qream macarons. qacarons? Or reverse-spherifying it- qream qaviar? Either way it's going to result in shame.

Irma Vep

@OMGSammiches LOL IRL @ qacarons.

Diana

"Can we start cooking with chocolate wine next?"

Are you referencing that red wine mixed with Dutch cocoa concoction they are always selling at Cost Plus a.k.a. the worst culinary cognitive dissonance of my life? "Okay, I'm not sure how this will be pleasant, but I think I have a pretty fair expectation of how this will taste. [banshee scream] nnnnnnnOOOOOoooOOOOOooooOO!"

wharrgarbl

@Diana It's yoohoo that you can get drunk on. I don't know why they bothered naming it anything else.

becky@twitter

@wharrgarbl qoohoo?

Ophelia

@becky@twitter choc au vin?

Clare

Oooh! Cook's Illustrated has the answer for the hard fruit in fruity ice cream: Before you add the fruit to the ice cream (maybe while the ice cream is churning in the machine?) soak the gently crushed fruit in a couple of tablespoons of vodka! Because vodka doesn't freeze, the fruit stays chewable in the ice cream! And it'll get you drunk too!

j-furr

I cannot for the life of me stop pronouncing it in my head as Qweem.

descie

Except seriously though, Pinnacle Whipped, as skeezy as it sounds, is the BOMB. Pour it in some ginger ale and voila: instant cream soda! Just don't take shots of it, unless you like stomach aches.

Oh, and Pinnacle Cake + Strawberry Fanta = Strawberry Shortcake.

aintquite

can we get a jello mold with this shiz? if you can find it, there's excellent inspiration in the emory university wives' cooq booq.

heatherwhatever

Confession: I hadn't read any Qream posts because it sounded too gross to click on. Then this morning my sister made a joke about Qream and now that I'm in the loop I think we should all give thanks to Pharell for the wonderful gift of Qream.

allthingsknown

@Edith Zimmerman WHY ARE THESE COLUMNS NOT CALLED "QOOKING WITH QREAM"? I'm so qdisappointed.

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