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Friday, July 8, 2011

120

16 First and Middle Names of Babies on 16 and Pregnant, in Order of How Much I Spit Out My Drink When They Were Revealed

16. Brooklyn Marie
15. Bentley Cadence
14. Sophia Laurent
13. Jace Vahn
12. Aydenn Anthony
11. Nevaeh Lynn
10. Kylee Sue
9. Summer Jayde
8. Destiny Brianna
7.  Rylan Jayce
6. Aubree Skye
5. Aubri Rose
4.  Kay’Den Elijah
3. Genesis Alexa
2, 1. Aliannah Hope and Aleeah Grace (twins)

Rosie Gray is a blogger for the Village Voice.

120 Comments / Post A Comment

nancydrew

Sophia Laurent? Oh God, that's awesome.

gigglefest

@nancydrew I had the same reaction! I hate it and I love it.

asleepandreaming

@gigglefest @nancydrew Did she mean Sophia Loren?!

runsinbackground

@nancydrew Yeah, it's actually way too classy for that show, and much more aspirational even than Bentley.

Nancy Sin

Whyt seems to be the pryblymme?

JessicaLovejoy

@Nancy Sin This is Y you shouldn't get pregnant at sixteen.

Feminist Killjoy

@Nancy Sin this is the best comment i've ever read

Mimi Killjoy

@Nancy Sin I love this comment.
These are the people who text like this: r U j3LuS? It's that kind of writing in which a certain type of person purposely spells everything wrong to camouflage the fact that they can't spell. It's the flagrant 'fuck you spelling' attitude of the ignorant. If I can't spell, I will reject conventional spelling norms before I am outed as being ignorant. It's a pose. It's not that I can't spell, it's that I don't want to spell. There's a difference.
No, bitches. You can't spell. Ya burnt. You're not fooling anyone. It's not creative, you're trashy.
This comment is probably rife with misspellings. Hey, I never said I wasn't trashy.

@Mimi Killjoy I just stumbled upon this post and your comment and OMG YES YES YES. Ya burnt, indeed. Erm, uh, Ya B3rnT.

antarcticastartshere

My current favorite baby name is from Toddlers & Tiaras: Sarynyti.

Nicole Cliffe

I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess they are not, like, dyslexic Joss Whedon fans.

JessicaLovejoy

@antarcticastartshere I can't help but think that one day, she'll consider wrapping her mother's head in Saryn wrap.

AniaGosia

@antarcticastartshere that's hilarious/awful. When I was planning to name my son Julian, someone suggested that I should spell it Jewelian. Yes. For real.

Carrie Murphy@twitter

wow, you vomited less for neveah than for summer? i think summer and the top two twins names are considerably less heinous than NEVEAH. IT'S HEAVEN SPELLED BACKWARDS. COME ON.

Ophelia

@Carrie Murphy@twitter Word.

parallel-lines

@Carrie Murphy@twitter I fucking hate that name and everyone is going to be named Neveah in the future. Thus, I hate the future!

Ophelia

@parallel-lines In the future, every name will be backwards, Senil-Lellarap.

Rhubarb@twitter

@Carrie Murphy@twitter

There is a distinct possibility that you may one day have to hold your nose and vote for a Senator named Neveah. I'm not looking forward to that day.

Gnatalby

@Carrie Murphy@twitter Ahem, Nevaeh.

Epiphany!!

@Carrie Murphy@twitter A step up from Lleh (pronounced "lay"; for boy or girl)-- middle name Yrotagrup...

2_winners

Your list seems short on names with apostrophes in them. And it's missing my personal fave, Leah Leanne Shirley. It's like they named her twice! But that poor girl. We need to pray for her.

lafleur

They just want their babies to be **~**SPECIAL**~** you guys, God.

deepomega

Worried that they could have spent less money on those "illustrations" of the babies. Stop throwing money around, 16 and Pregnant!

rootmarm

It's so cliche for me to even say that these all sound like porn names, but come on.

Megasus

@rootmarm But they're not only porn/stripper names, they are DOUBLE porn/stripper names!

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@rootmarm: "Gentlemen, please welcome Genesis Alexa to the stage! Get those dollar bills up fellas!"

sp8ce

@rootmarm One of my friends named his daughter Heaven Renee. The mom happens to be a stripper...

Elizabeth DeHoff@facebook

@sp8ce I guess that beats Nevaeh Rynyee...

Katie Ritter

Yes. My cousin is naming her baby, due next week, Aleeah because of this show. Thanks, show.

Marissa E@twitter

@Katie Ritter Nooo what?? Is she 16?

Tragically Ludicrous

@Katie Ritter wait what BECAUSE of the show?!?! As in, she watched it and saw role models instead of what not to do?

Mimi Killjoy

@Katie Ritter Perhaps if you had been able to encourage your cousin to watch Dowton Abbey, or some other quality tv, she'd be giving her offspring classier names. Shame.

Callie Danielle@facebook

@Katie Ritter actually i DIDNT name my daughter after this show. the spelling is the same (Because i liked it when i found it in the baby book. NOT because of the show) but this ISNT where her name came from, i got the name from the actress aaliyah that played in queen of the damned i didn't start watching this show until after i found out i was pregnant. it wasn't something that i did on purpose to be like the girls on the show. get your facts straight before you post stuff like this online. K THANKS!!

Ophelia

wait, we need to link back to the blog that Bee(?) linked to yesterday during the Mormon thread...hang on...

Ophelia

@Ophelia This one: http://jessica-jensen.blogspot.com/2011/04/names-2010.html

parallel-lines

@Ophelia I don't mean this in an offensive way (or do I? since that's usually how offensive questions are prefaced) but what is the history of creative naming and Mormons? I'm just curious how that it came to be since it's obviously not a one-off sort of thing.

gimlet

@parallel-lines I think it's just a cultural thing. Lots and lots of babies being born, and lots of pressure to have the coolest uniquest baby name on the block.

ALSO, and this is just anecdotal observance, but in the late 70s and 80s there were a few names in the Mormon Belt that got super ridiculously popular - Megan, Amber, Tiffany/Brittney/Courtney/etc. Now that that cohort is having babies of its own (ugh don't remind me, I feel old) they don't want their kids to have to go through life being the 12th Megan in their class.

This blog is a satire of the typical mormon-mommy blog, but it still rings ridiculously true to me: http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/2009/02/bc-they-deserve-uniquest-names-ever.html

a horde of great crab things

@Ophelia I absolutely love that having read that site yesterday (VULVA-MAE!) I just read down the 16 and Pregnant list and ticked off all the ones that were obviously the work of people from Utah/ Idaho.

parallel-lines

@Riff Randell The Utah Baby Namer site might be the most amazing thing I've ever seen http://wesclark.com/ubn/

juliannasays

@Riff Randell
Are you sure that's a satire? I don't know, there are a lot of people seriously commenting. I am worried.

gimlet

@juliannasays Oh it's definitely satire. The author (anonymously) gave interviews and stuff like that. But there are dozens of sites just like it out there, but FOR SERIOUS (as Utahns say).

The posts about her labor/childbirth are priceless. http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-big-day-part-i.html

suzhildy

@Ophelia Just a point of clarification, the extreme baby-naming is specifically a Utah/Idaho Mormon phenomenon. The rest of us Mormons living in the rest of the world give our babies totally normal names.

As for the reason, I could not tell you. Trying to be different in a sea of sameness, I think.

P.S. Seriously So Blessed is 100% satire. But it's the best kind of satire, because I think 60% of its readership think it's not. Which makes me laugh and laugh and cry and cry.

sox
sox

Actually I think Kylie Sue is kind of adorable! Especially in a deep south drawl.

parallel-lines

How did Jace become such a popular name? Back in rural Minnesota, every Jace I knew did meth and could barely hold a fry cook job at Golden Corral.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@parallel-lines: ... self fulfilling prophecy?

Anne

They really botched the middle name with Destiny Brianna.

Destiny LaRue. Destiny Density. Destiny Diva. Destiny Blanche. Destiny Destiny.

@Anne: Manifest Destiny.

Xanthophyllippa

@S. Elizabeth: That's her brother.

Bittersweet

@Anne: Destiny Schild.

Hollydoll85

I'm ok with all of these names even though they are horrible because none of them are my girl name. Pop culture has stolen so many names for me by making them popular (I'm looking at you, Friends. Emma was MY baby name! Because I liked the book! Not because of a 90's sitcom!)

roughe

Kay'Den makes me Vom'It

Mimi Killjoy

@roughe They should have just named him Ass'Hole. But perhaps that would be a more appropriate pet name for him to give his parents.

Brunhilde

Whatever happened to letting your daughter pick her own stripper name when she's old enough to take a spin on the pole? It's an important right of passage! Overcontrolling parents really irk me.

Ms. Information

@Brunhilde When they all change their names to rebel against their moms, we're going to have so many [insert tasteful name of your choosing] spinning on poles we won't know what to do with them all.

JessicaLovejoy

@Brunhilde And this is seriously going to take the fun out of your first pet + your street = porno/stripper name. Something like "Daisy Bay" ain't shit against Cheriyshed Kayd'ence.

JessicaLovejoy

@Ms. Information I for one look forward to FEATURED DANCER: MIRIAM SMITH! (Her last name is actually spelled with a Y, but she's not going down that road.)

charmcity

@Brunhilde "Pole parents" are the new "helicopter parents," pass it on.

Ms. Information

@charmcity That makes sense, cuz, spinning.

fareby_galore

@JessicaLovejoy Because my name is very close to Miriam Smith (without the Smith), am I also destined to become a pole spinner?

Mimi Killjoy

@Brunhilde They should just name the kid Molly Coddle for Chrissakes. Parents doing everything for these brats. How do they expect kids to learn how to do anything for themselves? If they can't pick their own stripper name, how do they expect them to shake the chumps down for dollars? Is their mom going to come down to the strip club and do that for them, too?

JessicaLovejoy

I feel like Jace Vahn sounds like a weird knockoff of Jean Naté.

parallel-lines

@JessicaLovejoy If you like Sophia Loren, you'll love our Sophia Laurent (at a fraction of the cost!)

Tina Steele Wiltzius

@parallel-lines Your Designer Imposter Parfums reference is the best thing I have read today, and I've read a lot of funny things today. Lordy. I laughed really loud. So awesome. Thank you.

Lisa Frank

I weep for the future baristas of America trying to spell these names in 20 years.

LaurenL

My middle name has a made-up spelling that includes a y. I've always blamed it on the fact that my mother was 21 when she had me. Those extra 5 years did give her the good sense to keep my first name traditional at least.

43
43

I am a pediatric nurse and oh my god, the names I have seen. The best is when the parents don't even remember how to spell them.

gimlet

@k_l_c wait. WAIT. SERIOUSLY?!?!??

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHLQWFO82NF!!fpo@uFNWOIEHFRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

safeword

@k_l_c Dare I ask for examples?

hallu

@k_l_c My mother in law was a pediatric nurse and holy crap, her stories....

43
43

@safeword I live in fear of HIPAA violations, so I'll just say lots of 4+ syllable names with completely non-phonetic pronunciations and multiple dashes and/or apostrophes. And there are many, many Nevaehs, Miracles, Serenities, and the like. And regarding the spelling, I wish I wasn't serious. It makes sense that if you are only borderline literate and name your child a complicated amalgamation of random sounds, you might forget how you originally spelled it. So sad.

D.@twitter

@hallu My boyfriend's mother is also a pediatric nurse...probably my favorite story is of the twins named "Lemonjello" and "Orangejello" (pronounced lee-MON-gel-oh and OR-ahn-gel-oh). As a teacher/hospital office worker, I have also encountered: Trendy, Cinderella, Stormi, Disney, Merlyn (a girl), and Queendeline.

Caroline Rainey@facebook

My father knows a woman named Crystal Chanda Lear (last name lear). Famously, there was a governor in Texas who has a daughter named Ima Hogg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ima_Hogg). Locally, I heard from a nurse about an unfortunate girl named Formica Dinette. Not joking. I am from the buckle of the Bible Belt and I have to say that although it is biblical, I hate the name Dorcas. Dorcas is the translation of the original name, Tabitha. My question is why on Earth would someone decide that Dorcas was the better choice.

Kate Kane

@D.@twitter Were Stormi's middle and last names American and Flagg by any chance? I went to jr high with someone of that name many years ago. (And I suspect she changed it since googling "Stormy American Flagg" only brings up people mentioning they also went to school with her!)

@D.@twitter: My mom was a pediatric radiologist in the 'hood for a while. She told me that one time, a woman came in and gave birth to a girl and wanted to name her Vagina (pronounced va-JEE-nayyyy) because she saw it on a medical form and thought it was pretty. My mom somehow convinced this woman to put "Jennifer" down on the birth certificate. Same hospital: a woman naming her twin babies Twina and Twinba because their charts referred to them as Twin A and Twin B.

Soooo special.

suddenvalley

@S. Elizabeth Nope. No. Fake.
http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/names.asp

Lola

@Caroline Rainey@facebook Also, Dorcas makes me think of the scarlet letter--not an association I would want people making with my child's name.

cosmia

@k_l_c @D.@twitter Somebody beat me to it but yeah, the Lemonjello/Orangejello story is an urban legend.

Xanthophyllippa

@Lola: I'd be thrilled if they associated it with The Scarlet Letter rather than just yelling, "Hey, DORKASS!!" every time she walked by.

Dandizette

@k_l_c Merlijn is a name used for boys and girls in the Netherlands. Maybe not very common for girls, but I knew one in school. As some people do not really understand the "ij" bit when using capitals it may end up like Merlyn. It's pronounced Mehr-line. More or less.

Pixley

I try really really hard not to make fun of weird baby names (I know a Skylin who is a perfectly lovely girl raised by perfectly lovely parents), but I am pretty sure first names do not need apostrophes, and also what the hell is a Rylan?

Mimi Killjoy

@Pixley Are you sure they're not secret Insane Clown Posse fans?

devil_eyes

As an avid 16 and pregnant watcher, I'd like to clarify that Aliannah and Aleeah are nicknamed Allie and Gracie. Without knowing their middle names, how would you know which to call Allie? Another great thing about this pair is that their mom's name is Leah. Leah named one of her babies Aleeah. After herself.

shousto

Is it just me misunderstanding the names, or are like 90% of their kids girls?

devil_eyes

@shousto2 Five on the list are boys. Only because ridiculous boy names aren't as easy to come by.

ughwhocares

Aydenn Anthony should have been Aydenn Jaydennn.

LoveMyFamily

@LadyHazard I know a girl (named Brittnii, mind you) who named her son Ayden and her daughter J'aiden. She just had a baby boy and named him Briden. None of these kids have fathers.

Jeffuhson

Did they buy their baby-naming books at Forever 21?

Ms. Information

These names need more dollar signs.

devil_eyes

@Ms. Information I wish I could like this more than once. Just think: Gene$i$ Alexa.

Ms. Information

@devil_eyes That's stripperific.

Xanthophyllippa

@Ms. Information: "Key-dollar-sign-ha."

blee

none of these will ever top the name of one of T.I.'s sons: Messiah Ya'Majesty. best name in the history of names, ever.

alsoIgetkindofasquickyfeelingwhenpeoplemakefunofnameslikethis???

feartie

@blee Yessss, not to pour water on everyone's fun, but I feel that behind the laughter is a smidge of unexamined class privilege. Also, the jokes about dyslexia are kind of...not funny. Speaking as a person with dyslexia.

I'm not a fan of personalised spelling, but I'd like to know why exactly people are doing it - is it because in their daily lives they feel like they maybe don't have a lot of opportunities for self-determination, and hope for that for their kids?

Brittany Bray Saliano@facebook

I went to high school with a girl named Foren Carr.

I teach kindergarten and last year I had all of these in the same class:
Jayden x3!
Braylyn (whose siblings were Jaydyn and Khadyn)
Drelynn
Jada
Jalen

Ahhhh the insanity! They all looked at me when I said one of those names!

Other weird names: Sky'yanah Blu, Nell-Von, Joerdn (pronounced Jordan), Keshone (pronounced Key-shawn), and Kiyona (pronounced Key-yanah).

fondue with cheddar

@Brittany Bray Saliano@facebook It is my sincere hope that Drelynn earns her(his?) Ph.D.

TheMostHumble

In the immortal words of Jahiem:
Name our kids with funny names
Don't hate on us, we're fabulous!!

TheMostHumble

...and while I would not choose any of these names for my own child, I think the worst one is def Brooklyn, because, who the heck names their kid Brooklyn?
I'll tell you who - people who aren't from Brooklyn!

But I'm all late, so probably no one will read this.

Katiesaurous

@TheMostHumble I read it! But which is worse - Brooklyn or Brook Lynn?

asleepandreaming

@togle Brook Lynn, most def. I received a job application from a "Kateland" once. The land of Kate? did you mean to name her "Katelynn"??

Mimi Killjoy

@Katiesaurous Brooklyn is worse, obviously. Brook and Lynn are two separate, real names. Brooklyn as a name is complete bullshit. It's like saying, "I'm an asshole." Having two names like Billie Joe or Bobbie Sue might be hillbillie, but they're humble. Trashy names like Brooklyn are aspirational (puke) while announcing to the world that you are illiterate, culturally unaware, uneducated trash. These types of tacky names are a hallmark of being a trashcan with delusions of grandeur- at least a trashcan's version of grandeur. I would imagine that would include such things as always having a dark tan, breast implants, acrylic nails, clothing and purses emblazoned with logos- anything really. Lots and lots of logos. Never enough logos. You know, things like that. Basically anything Posh Spice would do. Anything garish and brash. Think unnatural.

sutton

In a curious reversal, I once worked in a community center where there was a little girl whose name was spelled Nefertiti, but which everyone—including her mother—agreed was pronounced "Neferteria."

fondue with cheddar

@sutton Hey, even the pharaohs have to eat lunch SOMEWHERE.

fondue with cheddar

Bentley Cadence: the rhythm of engine strokes?
Summer Jayde: stripper
Destiny Brianna: definitely stripper
Aliannah Hope: SETI researcher

katana

Atrocities, all of them. My brother went to junior high with two girls names M'Kinley and Alexus. And the Mormon thing is NOT only Utah. I grew up in Southern California and there were a fair share of Mormon kids given totally weird names. Oh! And also, a friend of mine was in the mall once near the makeup counters when he spied a little girl hanging around the Clinique counter, lagging behind her mother. When the mother realized her daughter wasn't behind her, she turned around and yelled "CLINIQUA! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT NOW." Cliniqua, spelled like the skincare company. Fantastic.

rootmarm

@katana how did he know how it was spelled if he only heard it?

dr. annabel lies

What's with all the Aubrey variants? Is there some famous Aubrey they're all being influenced by? I'm guessing it ain't Beardsley...

XOXOXO

I truly feel sorry for some of the kids who have to live with the crazy names they are being given nowdays.
Of course, I feel sorry for some of the people who were born in the 1920's, also.
Who in their right mind would name an innocent baby "Mabel"??

She was a retail whore

@XOXOXO I feel 100 times worse for a current Mabel than a 1920s Mabel. Now that just shows that your parents are pretentious idiots who don't care that the name they gave you isn't classic, it just immediately puts everyone in the mind of an 80 year-old when they're around you. I'm 30 and grew up with an Ethel. Could not imagine what her parents were thinking.

Louisa

I have a friend whose daughter is named Serinady, so I can't say anything without feeling guilty. But yes, these poor children will be judged as the offspring of idiots and that's tough for them. Or maybe they will live in a bubble where such names are normal and ordinary. Beats me!

withsharpclaws

I have a friend who just named her babygirl Kaitelynne Raynne.

Mimi Killjoy

@withsharpclaws I hope you sing her name to the tune of Chocolate Rain. Overandoverandover.

Flies in my eyes

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2130988.ece
Celebrities are just as bad at naming babies!

Tulletilsynet

16. Brooklyn Marie Brontë
15. Bentley Cadence Brontë
14. Sophia Laurent Brontë
13. Jace Vahn Brontë
12. Aydenn Anthony Brontë
11. Nevaeh Lynn Brontë
10. Kylee Sue Brontë
9. Summer Jayde Brontë
8. Destiny Brianna Brontë
7. Rylan Jayce Brontë
6. Aubree Skye Brontë
5. Aubri Rose Brontë
4. Kay’Den Elijah Brontë
3. Genesis Alexa Brontë
2, 1. Aliannah Hope/ Aleeah Grace Brontë

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