10 Small Talk-Appropriate Questions to Ask Instead of "So When Are You Two Going to Have Kids?"
1. Have you ever noticed that all firemen are sexy? Is it a job requirement?
2. Do you think the current natural hair craze is just a fad?
3. Is it true you’ve started saving for Beyoncé concert tickets even though she hasn’t announced tour dates?
4. What is Pure Barre? Is it a type of soap or some organic candy?
5. Have you read The Help?
6. Didn’t the movie Friends With Benefits come out earlier this year under the title No Strings Attached?
7. Did you catch True Blood on Sunday? Is the storyline with Jason and the werepanthers starting to bore you too?
8. Is it wrong to think Shia LaBeouf is hot even though he’s like 15?
9. Do you think skinny jeans will ever go away?
10. Can you send me a Google+ invitation?
Javacia Harris Bowser is a childless blogger in Birmingham, Alabama. Find her at GeorgiaMae.com and on Twitter. (She is quite fond of God and America.)
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Have you seen the show 1 Girl, 5 Gays? If not, I suggest you get on that.
@EleanorRigby +1
There's a natural hair craze?
@heb I think this is a question generally directed toward ladies of color.
@Clare The question still remains.
@heb Yes
@klaus Huh. Okay. I figured that was a one-off thing. I hadn't heard of it anywhere else but here.
Oh God, you mean the conk is out now? Excuse me, I have to see a man about some lye.
@heb Black women have been moving towards natural hair for a few years. I noticed it in college among the more feminist women in '08 and it's been trickling down. My mother even stopped getting perms and homegirl ain't that feminist.
@heb Yes, there is. But I always like to note that I went natural before it was cool.
@javacia
Richard Pryor, Wino vs. Dracula:
"This is 1975, boy; get your shit together. What’s wrong with your natural?"
1. Not true.
5. Mom?
7. YES.
@pretend Seriously that werepanther thing is uninteresting and also ICKY.
@pretend I'm big momma kitty now!!
@scully UGH!
@pretend I second your "Not true." I went on a blind date with a fireman.
"When God sees fit to open my womb and not a moment before, obviously."
@melis damn girl you kill me! I am totally saying this the next time it comes up, which I assume will be in 2 seconds since it's all anyone ever asks me
I prefer "I don't know, when are you going to die? That's, like, your next major life event, right?" (for people who already have children.)
@MollyculeTheory: "So, when are you going to break your hip?"
@MollyculeTheory STEALING. Thanks.
@MollyculeTheory: "Never, when are you going to have sex again?"
@MollyculeTheory But I meant GOATS! Those cute miniature jumpy goats!
@MollyculeTheory: Oh man this is so accurate it would be the absolute best response to my grandfather who keeps asking me when I'm getting married… except he probably actually is going to die soon so it's far too cruel. Guess I'll have to stick with "eventually."
@spiralbetty Cranky?
@MollyculeTheory : As someone who's a mentally-ill organic chemist, it's incredibly rude to ask, because the drugs I take and the drugs I make currently dictate my reproductive status. I'm also slapped back in the face by my insurance company because they do not wish to pay for birth control, yet I play with chemicals every day and thus could not produce a non-disfigured fetus.
It only happens when I go to funerals too, but only from the non-relatives. The best way it was asked was at my husband's step-father's wake, when the deceased's sister, who was married to a pastor asked, "And have you two been blessed with any children?" I said something about how we have two cats and a dog instead. When we returned, I discussed this query with my massage therapist who recommended stating "we don't have intercourse" in the most deadpan tone I could muster.
I think I shall compile a list of potential responses from this thread – yay!
A married friend who finds this question inexcusably rude (because it is) has taken to snapping right back, "We aren't. I'm barren."
If only she had the foresight to take pictures of the looks she's getting in response, it would have made a wonderful coffee table book.
@City_Dater I have known way too many people who got this question in the midst of an infertility battle/just after a miscarriage.
@City_Dater I've always wanted to do that, but since I am childless by choice and not infertile, it would just be too, too mean.
@Bebe Try looking horribly shocked by the question and breathlessly saying "I'm not that kind of girl!"
Always works for me. Lots of old ladies looking startled and confused.
@Bebe
"…since I am childless by choice and not infertile, it would just be too, too mean…"
Hmm, sounds to me like just the exact right amount of mean.
@Tulletilsynet You'll be sitting by me, now.
@City_Dater I might have to try that one.
@City_Dater: We always used to say, when asked about kids, "Not right now, but we're doing a lot of practicing!" Got the grandmas every time.
@Tulletilsynet @Maria Haha – now I'm going to be looking forward to an opportunity to pull one (or both!) of these out. In-law Thanksgiving, here I come!
@City_Dater That can backfire. You will get well-meaning people giving you names of fertility doctors. But it's tempting…
@City_Dater I'm a month from my wedding so getting this a lot, and also just nearly died from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The question has never made me wince more than it does lately. I've gone from referring to my absence-from-surgery as "lady problems" to just saying what happened, and I'm very close to just telling the "when are you breeding" people the same. Inappropriate questions deserve answers to match. "Well, I just lost one and it almost took me with it, so…"
@Maria +1!
@SadieHawkins That is a horrible thing to go through. (I've visited the territory.) I'm so sorry.
Are you getting a dog? When are you getting a dog?
Is, "Are you interested in having kids?" okay?
@Sara E Anderson@facebook I would say only when you are actually really good friends with/a close relative of the person you are asking. And then, please ask in a private conversation/email, and not on their FB wall, at their wedding, at any gathering of relatives large or small, parties, etc. If they say, "Oh, I don't know," this is the polite form of "that is none of your business." Press no further.
And if they say "No," for the love of god, please do not say, "No! But why not?! You'd make such pretty babies! Oh, you'll change your mind!"
@Sara E Anderson@facebook : Are you my boyfriend? If not, I'd say not okay (but I'm a bigger jerk than most).
@Sara E Anderson@facebook I think a truly interested, "so are you guys going to have kids?" is ok to anyone you are close to as long as you are willing to say, "oh that's cool" to whatever response they give.
Of course you run the risk that they have been trying and having trouble or can't too – so either way it's kind of a gamble.
@Sara E Anderson@facebook I think it's never okay. If you don't already know the answer, then you don't know that person well enough to ask. It's like when I get asked, "Why do you only have one child?" Which is ALL THE TIME. I usually say, "Well, would you like my complete endocrine profile, or just the number of miscarriages?" They usually STFU after that.
@Sara E Anderson@facebook Let me put it this way: My own sisters don't know why I don't have kids. I only have that discussion the person I would potentially procreate with.
@bashe Nice. My sister got this question all the time after her 1st, and meanwhile was having a slew of reproductive health problems…. people need to learn to STFU.
@Sara E Anderson@facebook: Only if you're ordering lunch.
@Sara E Anderson@facebook Unless you are extremely close with the person/couple, I would say not to. When you think about it, it's really an intrusive and overly personal question. Asking is running the risk that you could be rubbing salt in the wounds of someone who wants to have them but can't. Or just aggravating the hell out of someone who doesn't want them and is fed up with being pressed for answers about why. So I'm not sure why people insist on sticking their noses in what is ultimately one of the most personal decisions a person can make. If the answer is any of your business, you will probably know eventually. If it's not, well then it's not.
earlier this summer I watched No Strings Attached just so that when I saw Friends With Benefits I could definitively say that the latter was in every way superior to the former.
I hate "you'll change your mind" so much. How can anyone even imagine saying something so condescending!!!!
"when are you having kids?"
"never"
"YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND"
"holy shit, are you going to FUCKING MURDER ME?"
@dracula's ghost Or "oh, it'll be different when you have your own."
"No actually, because like I said, I'm not having any of my own."
@dracula's ghost "you'll change your mind" ranks right up there with "but you'll be a great mom!" I'd probably be a great elephant trainer too, but that's not what I've chosen to do with my life, and therefore DOES NOT MATTER.
@cherrispryte But elephants are so cute! Your life just isn't complete if you don't have an elephant. Oh sure, they poop everywhere and are expensive and the trumpeting will keep you up and night, but it's so FULFILLING to have your own giant, pooping dump-truck of a sweetie.
@dracula's ghost Yes! I get that all the time. Drives me crazy!
@riotnrrd But so many idiots and bad people are training elephants, you have to become an elephant trainer because your elephants will be so much better, and cancel out the poorly-trained elephants!
@riotnrrd That totally reminds me of this article I read a million years ago (okay it was 12 years ago) in the Salon "Mothers Who Think" column- the writer makes the comparison to wanting a horse. Here's the article:
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/1999/03/19/feature
I've always enjoyed that metaphor and used it many times over the years – people seem to understand it a little better in those terms. I've known since I was 7 that I didn't want kids, and now at age 39 I've finally outlasted all the unbelievably rude "you'll change your mind" or "you just haven't met the right guy" bullshit. Keep fighting the good fight, childfree people!
@dracula's ghost @Maria @Miss Violet @cherrispryte @javacia
Well, you could always adopt!
@Miss Violet YES. I'm 37 now and people have stopped asking me. Though maybe that's because I'm divorced now.
@dracula's ghost My brother said that to me once, and went on a spiel about how women change their minds about kids around age 30. Given that he could hardly get a date at that time, I wondered aloud how he was such an expert on the female thought process.
@Miss Violet I'm 38 (ok, and 3/4) and it's on the wane but hasn't stopped yet. Mostly from near-strangers, though, since the families have given up. Here's to aging out of annoying questions!
My favorite response to "Do you have children?"
"The contents of my basement are no concern of yours."
As regards True Blood, I really hope that this past Sunday = I never have to hear the term "Gho$t D@ddy" again. (Pretending it's a swear so that no one has to actually read the real thing. BARF.)
A Pure Barre was opening up near where I used to work, but then I quit and never figured out what it was.
@Tragically Ludicrous I am pretty sure there is something like that here. But when I was reading their website/blog, the latest post was about how everyone should remember to eat "a little something!" before doing their workout, so as not to faint. AHHH.
I was afraid of being in a class with women dropping like flies all around me, so I joined the local meathead gym instead, which has its own issues.
7. Ugh, I skip everything except Eric's parts.
@likethestore yeaaah I enjoy focusing on Eric's parts too. BA-BAM!
@likethestore nooo LAFAYETTE FOREVER
Volunteer firemen, however, seem to have no such requirement.
@LadyHazard Oh, this made me laugh because my friend is engaged to a volunteer fireman. Hahaha, terrible!
@LadyHazard True. My friend's dad notsomuch but the guys on ladder 8? Always playing basketball shirts vs skins? Oh, yeah. What do we think of the EMTs?
@Texian When I went to the ER in May for chest pain, I had an EMT so hot and funny I told all my friends about him. Using only his common last name and first initial, my sister found him on the Book of Faces. I messaged him and asked him out. (This is not typical whateverlolawants Facebook behavior, I should add. Not at all.) He never responded.
I later learned his mom was my best friend's 2nd grade teacher. I live in a big city (well, 1.6 million as of 2000.)
@whateverlolawants Sad face for EMTs lost. Kudos for trying!
Instead of "when are you going to have kids?" I got the "Have you changed your opinion on having kids?" from my boyfriend's sister-in-law. I am not married, not engaged, just living in sin. I thought it was a bit…premature.
@beanie That is when you say, "Everytime a person asks me that, I will wait a year. At the rate you are asking it will never ever happen. What a cruel person you are to cause this." Or you could say, "only if I can make a profit."
A colleague of mine came back from a late lunch today and told the office that he had seen Beyonce in the elevator and offered her his falafel. Now that they're totally bffs, I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to pay for tickets to her shows ever again.
Because I'm the only person on Earth who likes both the werepanther and the Tommy/dog-fighting plotlines, let me just tell y'all why. They generate awesome metaphors for those of us who grew up poor and dysfunctional and can't quite get away from our effed-up families. Like — I *am* Sam, and my whole family is either fighting Rottweilers or trying to escape the ring.
@Xora Interesting take! I like it.
@Xora I like the dogfights too….hey and I'm poor and dysfunctional! Thanks for explaining that one!
What do you mean, the werepanther story is STARTING to get boring? It was always boring.
@carogriffin Wow, I honestly thought the werepanther thing was a joke. It's a real storyline.
@carogriffin It was boring in the books, too. At least they're sticking with the original storyline…I guess?
I'm gone for a day and nobody has anything to say about how only the black women in The Help have accents?
1. My father is a retired firefighter and I can't say I have ever thought of him as 'sexy'. Good-looking, yes. Sexy, not so much. Having been to his firehouse several times in my youth/teen years, very few of his co-workers were sexy as well. He was at the busiest fire station in the city, so maybe they sent the hotties elsewhere, to keep them pretty?
How I SHOULD have answered that question when I was married: "Well, I'm clinically depressed and therefore probably wouldn't make a good mother, but you should ask my husband if he's planning on having kids with his girlfriend or if she's having them with her own husband." That would have shut them up.
@jen325 I'm pretty sure that this answer wins you the conversation.
Or, the French Revoluation was neither French nor a Revolution. Discuss.
I find responding to the question "When are you going to have kids?" (or, in my case, "When are you going to have MORE kids?" because one spawn isn't enough for these vultures) with "Oh, I did. But they died" is an EXCELLENT way of shutting the whole thing down completely. If you're lucky, they'll never speak to you again.
"my genitals were burned off in a fire"
does anyone else remember this completely amazing Will Ferrell SNL skit, about how the DNC found the perfect person to run for the Democratic Prez nomination (post Clinton/Lewinsky SEX SEX SEX SCANDAL foofaraw)? I am the only person in my entire friend group who remembers it and IT KILLS ME.
"Ten years ago I lost my genitals in a FIRE. Just the THOUGHT of having sexual intercourse gives me phantom pains where my genitals used to be"
Anyway this would probably be a pretty good response as well.
@dracula's ghost Just found! Not sure if this link will stay here but "SNL: Terry Ferguson for Senate (Will Ferrell)." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYwpp8N9B1Q
But none of these questions answer the most important question, which is when are you two gonna have kids?
Can I please also get some suggestions on clever responses to the somewhat similar "When are you two getting married?"
My life =
"How long have you two been together?"
"About two years."
"OMG WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?!?!"
But maybe I just have a speech impediment that makes "two years" sound like "We're getting married soon. Please, please ask me when."
@marz Oh man, I feel you. The fella and I have been together for 5 and living in sin for 3. Some people have started skipping over "when are you getting married" straight to the children question. And honestly, I wouldn't really give a shit if I didn't know that he didn't have to have an awkward exchanged based around those two issues at every family/not close friend event. That bothers me.
@heroicdestinysquad I think it's the living in sin that throws people. They give up on the marriage question and go straight for the kill (asking if you are having kids). And no, I have not figured out a polite way to answer this or not be pissed they are asking.
@marz Wait, you don't want us to ask you that? Just kidding I will stop asking you that! Have I ever asked you that actually? I don't remember. Maybe. At least I know I'm not the main perpetrator.
Why doesn't The Hairpin have a "forward to my family" button?
Yikes, as a lady who is in her early 30's but has only been married a year, and who has recently had a miscarriage, I would say PLEASE don't ask! Trust me, if the lady/couple considered you close enough to know, you'd know. Either that, or they want to bring it up themselves, not be blindsided by your well-intentioned query. If you still feel you must ask, be prepared for any responses including, but not limited to a brush-off, an abrupt change of subject, a polite (or not) request to mind your own business, lies, extreme sarcasm, public humiliation, TMI with as much gory detail as I can think to include, and one of us in tears when it's all over. And if you ask me on Mother's Day I just may punch you in the neck. Oh, and if I call you and say "Guess what" please don't always guess "You're pregnant!" although that could be partly my fault for asking you to guess.
I'm fond of the classic "Why do you ask?" That's a good generic answer to all rude questions.