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Thursday, June 9, 2011

54

Your Husband, the Cattle-Obsessed Skinflint

We at the Hairpin love stupid old stuff with pictures, so here's an "Are You Ready for Marriage?" quiz (the best kind) stolen directly from Gamma Squad, a wonderful website you should go visit right after this and whose ads you should click until your fingers are gone. Let's go, you moth-eaten hags.

I scored B, B, C, A, C, C, A, B, B, A. Which is a 6, and means I have to "watch out" and "really make an effort." But I read that without even looking in a mirror, so I'm going to bump my score up to a 10.

54 Comments / Post A Comment

Lily Rowan

So, when the old girlfriend comes around, I should cook her goose the same way his mother would, right? I want to get this right!!

Tuna Surprise

@Lily Rowan - Tune into the cattle report to find out!

Ophelia

@Lily Rowan You should probably cook her something delicious from your emergency reserves.

CrescentMelissa

@Ophelia cook her goose is the best expression ever.

Ophelia

@crescent OMG, what if she IS your emergency supplies? Is this what happens when your husband's old flame AND his client are both coming over at the same time?

sp8ce

The correct answer to #7 is "threesome".

jacqueline
jacqueline

I had a dream the other night that I was getting married to my boyfriend, except everyone in the bridal party was wearing tacky, bright red and also there was a belgian waffle station in the chapel. Someone analyze pls.

BosomBuddy

@jacqueline I can only interpret this favourably, since red is my favourite colour (let's see how many o/ou words I can use in a sentence!), and a belgian waffle station sounds awesome. Especially if there's sausage gravy and maple syrup to go on top. Ranks right up there with a wedding taco-bar, which I really wanted to do, but alas, didn't pan out. Probably for the best.

The only logical interpretation from this, though is: I now need waffles, perhaps tacos, and I think you definitely do too. And to get a pretty red dress that is perfect for summer and will make you feel European!

applestoapples

@jacqueline It means you will get married in a church-themed discotheque in Bruges.

jacqueline
jacqueline

I think you're both right. Time to start planning my (literal) dream wedding!

Magpie Shinies

I was surprised at the end to find out that there were *correct* answers to these.

Bebe

How apropos - today is our 4th anniversary! And I scored a 7, so we may not make it to 5.

However, I stand by my answer that "Why don't you go back and eat hers?" is the best response to question 4. Extra credit for dumping the offending chicken in his lap and storming out of the room.

ThundaCunt

@Bebe exactly!!

rayray

The only part of any of these questions I can relate to is the constant preoccupation with food and What's For Dinner.

shenannies

Why does every answer end in an exclamation point? Maybe if everyone stopped yelling they'd get along better.

itmakesmewonder

I would like to see "Ask a 1950s Lady" at some point in the future.

itmakesmewonder

Also, I can't express just how much I love picturing the life portrayed by the mean-lady answers to these. Like, everything you say, she just hollers at you.

Ophelia

@itmakesmewonder Yes! I was also kind of wishing we could do an "Ask a Time-Travelling Lady" and get advice from all different time periods, even...THE FUTURE (cue spooky music)

rayray

@Ophelia That's the best idea ever, and I hereby shotgun doing Ask a Victorian Lady!

rayray

(British Style, aka. How to make up a fake male name in order to get a publisher, what to do when your husband is addicted to Laudanum, and the acceptable positions to take on this "evolution" business at polite social events)

itmakesmewonder

@rayray Can I show my calves at an evening event or will everyone think me a strumpet?

rayray

@itmakesmewonder Certainly not! Don't even say the word calves, it will send Mrs Pettifogger into a fit of the heaves. Any more of that talk and its off to the convent with you.

Ophelia

@rayray Excellent! With what seems like the first instance my college degree has been relevant, I will hereby claim "Ask a Medieval Lady."

SBGBlogs

@Ophelia I would like to take this time to suggest "Ask A Cave Lady" and instead of "Ask a Dude" can we do "Ask An 18th Century Fop"?

Lady Pennyface

Oh, WHY didn't I see this before I got engaged? *clutches handkerchief* Also, how can I subscribe to PETITE magazine? It seems to be the proper reading material for a lady.

itmakesmewonder

@Lady Pennyface Someone start "Big & Tall Lady" magazine and I will buy the hell out of it.

wee_ramekin

@Lady Pennyface Probably it is edited by that nude bodysuit girl from xoJane and her sizzling little body though...

mabellegueule

(SOB)

adriana

@illcommunication I just imagine that she's muttering "son of a bitch" under her breath.

atipofthehat

Hey, this stuff works both ways. If you marry a cowgirl, expect her to shush you during the cattle reports.

http://img.costumecraze.com/images/vendors/rasta/9168-main.jpg

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

I sure wish my wife would "fix a goose" with me and another woman.

theinvisiblecunt

This quiz makes a pretty strong argument in favor of elective lesbianism for an article found in "Boy Meets Girl" magazine

theharpoon

There's no "headache" option for question 2??

no way

And on other topics, the Tennessee v. /b/ article on Gamma Squad totally made me laugh. You’re going to jail, Corgi.

ejcsanfran

Stage-whispered remarks are the foundation of every successful marriage.

@ejcsanfran Breaking the third wall really brings you closer to the man in your life, try it in various situations like in the car "I sure hope he doesn't run over the neighbors cat again!" or in bed "Wait til the little man shows his face!" and wait for the laugh tracks to ensue!

Miss K

I really thought option A on the second to last panel said something else entirely.

one cow.

@Miss K Likewise! And I pick that one.

KatPruska

@Miss K Totally! And then I was all, "Uh, well, how big is the radio switch?"

breccia

Man, it must have been hard to live in the 1950s. Women only had 3 personalities to choose from!

amirite

I love the first line of the intro. It's like they imagined that, upon reading the title, the reader asks herself, "do I even want to get married?" and they have a handy comeback all prepared.

veryanonymous

In fairness to the shrewish wife of question 3, her husband's favorite story appears to be a joke about the Irish.

atipofthehat

@blily

If it's the one I think it is, it ends up being a joke on the Italians.

lizaboots

#4 is D -- divorce

ejcsanfran

@lizaboots: Well, that's what she gets for marrying a Romulan.

RK Fire

This is great, but really, what's a contract?

Ellie

True story I was interrupted reading this article by my boyfriend demanding I make lunch. (To be fair it was because I wanted to make something specific to use up the rest our spinach so I was kind of holding lunch hostage.) I got an eight.

ThundaCunt

the fuck is a skinflint?

becky@twitter

@ThundaCunt skinflint is another word for someone who is cheap. google tells me it refers "to a person so avaricious that he would skin (swindle) a flint."

wee_ramekin

@becky@twitter But what is a flint?

becky@twitter

@wee_ramekin flint is something that you bang against a piece of metal and it makes fire.

DorothyMantooth

I, too, read the commentary without a mirror. But I glossed over the punctuation, so I read "you'll be the kind of wonderful wife a man needs from 6 to 8."

Etruscan Duck

Did you guys say something? I was trying to read the cattle reports.

Charlotte

Has anyone seen MST3K's AMAZING riff on the short "Are You Ready for Marriage?". It's up on Youtube in two parts. Seriously, AMAZING.

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