Friday, June 10, 2011


What's Wrong With Adult Sexting? the New York Times Asks

“Experts on adult sexting were in demand all week,” the New York Times tells us. Amazing, then, that this paper managed to find not one, not two, not three, not four, but five of them for a fascinating and insightful roundup. In this “Room for Debate” they ask of themselves, of each other — and of anyone else who likes having $14.95 a month debited from their checking account — "What's OK? What is going too far?” After reading it, all I can say is, “What would we do without experts?” Oh, and, “my snatch ttly on fire 4 all of u.” And here are some personal comments.

Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: “If it's a form of foreplay between mutual partners, I just don't see what's wrong with it. It's sexy and playful — and grownups are entitled to be both.”

Pepper, your attitude is so freeing. Not only are you an expert, Pepper, you are like the fairy godmother of my peri-peri-perimenopausal beaver. Thanks for making a safe space for me to listen to its plaintive song, and to write “I’d lk to swllo yr cock whole.” Oh my God. I think I’m going to cry. Can you text Maureen Dowd to see if I left my bio-identical progesterone cream at her place in Sag Harbor?

Michelle Dourin, assistant professor of psychology, says, “Adult sexting is more common than you might think.”

Michelle, I’m going to take a moment to let the total amazingness of this sink in. You have literally taken so many psychology classes that you actually know the level at which the average American thinks adult sexting goes on! Anyway, if you’re right, if adult sexting if more common you think that I think it is, does that mean that, like, if we make Amount of Adult Sexting That You Think I Think Adult Sexting Goes On equal to X, then The Amount That You the Expert Knows Adult Sexing Goes On, is, like, 10x? Or like, 100x? Because I think 10 might be OK, but 100x is going too far.

Pepper, again:

We want to be reached by people we don't know: that's the way we get new job opportunities, find out about things we are interested in seeing or buying, or reach out to acquaintances who we'd like to know better. Unfortunately, however, this open door policy lets in people who harass us, or send us sentiments or pictures that offend us.

Pepper, first I just want to say thanks for seeing me. I’ve been looking for a job recently and I was sending out my resume to my alumni network and so on, and most people were very professional, very nice, but a few of them, more than I’d care to count, thank you very much, sent me photos of their balls hovering in front of my resume open on the computer screen. And one of them, he sent me pictures of four toothbrushes inserted into his butthole, with the caption: “Does this look like an urban myth to you?” And Pepper, that’s exactly what I said to myself, I said, “Oh my gosh, this open-door policy really lets people harass me or send me sentiments or pictures that offend me!” Then I remembered that as an adult I was entitled to be sexy and playful and sent the toothbrush guy (and one of the balls guys but not the guy who wrote "I speak Spanish and know ScreenFlow, too" on his balls) a picture of myself on all fours looking under the bathroom sink for my Hello Kitty! enema bag.

K. Jason Krafsy and Kelli Krafsky, from Facebook and Your Marriage:

In all the jokes and political discussions about Weinergate, a serious issue has been overlooked: the double standard that applies to the virtual world and real world with two different sets of rules, acceptable behavior and consequence… Being sexually active with multiple partners on the Internet is called "virtual sex,” but in the real world, it’s engaging in high-risk and irresponsible behavior… Don’t buy the lie that you can have dual citizenship in both worlds, breaking the rules in one without consequence in the other.

Indeed, K. Jason (you don’t mind if I call you K. Jason, right?) and Kelli, it is awesome that I only live with someone and that I’m not actually married, because I can totally send out pictures of my vagina to everyone and be all, "Check it out who wants to fuck!" (Pepper said I could.) But also even though I don’t have to read your books it’s also awesome to know that the virtual world and the real world are kind of the same thing, because I got herpes and syphilis and AIDS and warts AND I gave them to my partner, so I went to the doctor and was like, “But I’ve been with the same person for five years, and never touched anyone else, and I was totally clean.” And he said, “Do you sext people?” and I said, “Yeah, duh!” and then he said, “Have you read Facebook and Your Marriage?” And I said, “By adult sexting experts K. Jason Krafsy and Kelli Krafsky?” and he said, “That’s the one,” and I said “No.” And he said, “If you read that you’d know cell phone activity can give you AIDS — just like it gives bees AIDS.” Anyway, thanks K. Jason and Kelli. Thanks to you I at least understand what happened, and can take full responsibility and be fully present for this with my partner.

Dr. Susan Lipkins is a psychologist in Port Washington, NY. She writes often about issues related to the web and mental health.

Perhaps digital devices need a pop-up screen. Before a photo is sent, the message would ask: Are you sure you want to send this picture? Send now? Send later? Delete? The addition of a question, and an imposed pause, reduces impulsive behavior and should help curb some harmful sexting.

Susan, you are such a great expert. You shouldn’t be hiding your light under a bushel out in Port Washington. Why, you should have a shingle on 9th St. between 5th and 6th with the best of them, with insight like that. I mean, what good advice. But I think it could even be like, harsher. Like, “Hey, you do know you’re married? You do know that you’re married and about to send a picture of your breasts to a man you met on Metro North? You do know that you can get AIDS from sending this and you could give it to him, your husband, and a bee? Do you want to give AIDS to him, yourself, your husband, and a bee now? Or do you want to do it later? Or do you want to just forget about all of this and go down to the commissary and stuff a poppyseed muffin into your face, you slut?”

Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl, which are for teens but adults can read on the beach. She lives in Nevada City, CA.

52 Comments / Post A Comment


Please, 'expert' on adult sexting. Just more quackpots spouting away, I call shenanigans on that. And LOLspeak = moodkiller, think these people are typing like that?


Giving AIDS to yourself, your husband, and a bee = meeting of coffee and keyboard. Thank you for the funniest thing I have read today, which was so good I finally bothered to create an account.

Katie Heaney

This was hysterical and pleasantly scandalizing.


Here is a text I just sent to a bee: "I wnt 2 lik yr littl bee body all ovr!!!"

sorry your heinous

@theharpoon "come ovr n dnce 4 me"


@theharpoon : this whole website now reeks of bee pheromones, u nsty sluts!


@theharpoon Pics or it aint really sexting. Want to see my stinger?


I wnt yr venm nside me.


@spates AAAAAAAH HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? First Spates response ever = best birthday present ever. <3<3<3


@spates ps These things "<3" are little butts, consider that a sext.


@theharpoon God I'm jealous. What's a girl have to do?


@melis I think he forgot who I was.

Lili L.

"You shouldn’t be hiding your light under a bushel out in Port Washington."

Snort. Love all of this.


I guess I'm old-fashioned. I still think that one's name should only appear in the newspaper three times in one's life: at birth, upon marriage and when consulted as an expert on adult sexting.

Edith Zimmerman

@ejcsanfran Ahhhh


I was not only offended as an avid sexter but as a beekeeper as well -- each of the three times I read this fucking brilliantly hilarious article. Thanks for publishing!


I wanted to give AIDS to that bee. Because she was sexting my husband. Bzzzzzzzzzitch.


@rocknrollunicorn: Bees can't get AIDS. They get AIDZZZZZZZ


i don't know where i would be in my life without all the expert advice. oh yeah, same place.


just a quick edit, i think you meant to put "sexpert" in all the places you wrote "expert". you can probably just do a find and replace to correct it.


@jro: Wouldn't that be redundant? Either you're an expert on adult sexting OR a sexpert on adult texting.


@ejcsanfran right, i think all experts on adult sexting are inherently, sexperts.


Nothing spurts like a sexpert.


@Tulletilsynet Sextperts?


What college did you go to? Four toothbrushes is VERY impressive!


@heather i always thought it was a vacation thing....


Ya'll know that the Bee epidemic was essentially Bee AIDS right guys? It was an immune deficiency virus! Too soon! Too soon!


@notjesslane i was and am seriously upset about the bees. you know how you can see in Stephen Colbert's eyes his sadness that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, yet he laughs? That's me...but poorer.


And he said, “Do you sext people?” and I said, “Yeah, duh!” and then he said, “Have you read Facebook and Your Marriage?” And I said, “By adult sexting experts K. Jason Krafsy and Kelli Krafsky?” and he said, “That’s the one,” and I said “No.”
This made me laugh ridiculously hard.


@*trix@twitter thanks. that is probably the best joke. follow me on twitter or buy my books. no one else did. well, like 10 fifteen year olds love me.


@sarpmiller This whole piece was great. The Hairpin should give contributors contributor pages where you can link to your books and Twitter, because I just got sucked into an endless loop of clicking your name and getting this post. Signing up for your Twitter from a contributor page would make me think "oh, now there's a new funny person I can follow on Twitter." Searching for you on Twitter makes me feel a little bit like a creep.

Edith Zimmerman

@blily All the links are in her bio at the end of the piece! Follow her and buy everything she ever made!


Am I allowed to just call it regular texting, even when it's about licking things and whatnot? I really hate technology-caused portmanteaus, but I do like anytime people are talkin' about licking on stuff.


@leon.saintjean You could call it "sexy texts" like people's grandmas do. Someone is sure to find that attractive in and of itself. (S)he may live in a retirement home, but those are basically hotbeds of sexting right now anyway. ;)


we need more sarah miller over here at the hairpin, it's so obvious


@sheisjustso i wrote two books please buy them inside the mind of gideon rayburn and the other girl they're funny


I'm going to buy them and hide them from my children.


@Tulletilsynet oh they're ok for like 13 or 14 and up. They're for teens. if you look on amazon you can see reviews.


I just don't want the brats getting in my books. They can get their own damned YA books.


This is the funniest sexting-related internet comedy article thing I've read since this: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/dirty-texts-fyad.php. Sara Miller, you are alright with me!

sarah girl

@sophi Holy shit, I hate how much I laughed at this. Except I love it.


Also...Pepper? Really?


Oh NO, also! I just read John E. Portmann's take on the issue (If a Wife Can Forgive, Why Can't We?).

First sentence: "Across America, boys in high school and men in college brag about sexual exploits with females. In this culture, nothing short of penetration really counts."

Good thing all those people having oral sex, lesbian sex and all other forms of non-penetrative sex aren't really cheating! After all, none of that counts!


Expense your $14.95 a month to Cho.


@Tulletilsynet from your mouth to god's ears


Okay, Cho's a very nice guy. Omnipotent, omniscient and all that. But still ...


I've been lurking for a little while, but I think I'm brave(?) enough now to share my thoughts with random awesome people on the interwebs.

Text from my bf about what he'd like to do with me later, maybe with hot picture? Yes please. But this: "You do know that you’re married and about to send a picture of your breasts to a man you met on Metro North?" Almost choked to death on my drink, again. You nearly murdered me with funny. I mean really. Do what you committed to doing with your partner - how hard is it? Open relationship? Then this is cool. Married? How about no.


I must be the only one who didn't get a p.o.v. from this article. It was so sarcastic about everything that I can't tell if she thinks sexting is awesome or ridiculous (I vote awesome), or if people's concern is creepy or warranted (I vote creepy) or if its simply the idea of experts in this arena that warrants the sarcasm. The comments do not illuminate it for me either. Must need more coffee and/or more penis pic texts to get my brain flowing.


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