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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

56

The Secret Free Tarot Card-Reading Portal

My favorite way to waste time at work is by worrying about my future. Horoscopes are one way to get my fix, but better is Llewellyn.com's secret free tarot card-reading portal, which I stumbled across years ago, and which I've since visited daily to learn about the mysterious men and bad omens about to influence my destiny.

It's well designed, easy to navigate, and about as good as a free online tarot card-reading site could conceivably be: You get your choice of nine different card decks, ranging from Llewellyn's signature deck to the druid-inspired "Sacred Circle Tarot" to the glitzy "Gilded Tarot," and your pick of spreads (the patterns in which the cards are laid out). Again, they have classic spreads like the Celtic Cross, as well as zanier ones like "Finding Animal Spirits." Then, once you ask your question and click a button, the page shows you your unique spread and takes you through each card's various meanings.

My favorite combination? "Legend: The Arthurian Tarot" set to Celtic Cross spread. I like to ask "How's my career going?" and then, as I'm halfway through reading about the obstacles that are about to cross my path, my boss walks over with a stack of expenses that need to be processed. THAT'S how accurate the readings are.

Meghan O'Keefe is a writer and comedian who lives in New York.



56 Comments / Post A Comment

juliannasays

Oh god, Why is this internet tarot card reading so correct???

Lucy

NAILED IT!!!!!

foureyedgirl

Yes, that was... uncomfortably accurate. Maybe the path to enlightenment is online?

juliannasays

@Lucy Ya, srsly. I asked "Will my boyfriend move to [city]?" and it was all "you don't have power. you feel weak. your life looks bleak. there is indecision. etcetcetc." and now I want to cry a little? But mostly just eat a lot of cheese dip and drink wine.

erinzyme

@juliannasays Srsly, this thing is creepy. It NAILED everything, right down to how I have spent the last two days planning my as-yet-hypothetical wedding instead of writing my dissertation. DAMN.

automaticdoor

@juliannasays That was ridiculous. I tried a few spreads and a few decks with the same two questions and every. single. time. they all came out very accurately. Thankfully, they were hopeful outcomes! YAY!

eclare

@juliannasays
Yes...I'm a little weirded out.

scully

@juliannasays Dude ME TOO. I'm kind of freaked out right now. How does it KNOW????

Yankee Peach

I'm trying to focus on my reading, but I keep getting distracted by the ad for the Tarot of Vampyres deck. I love this site.

Hot mayonnaise

(Un)Related: Why hasn't anyone started an online drinking game site? Cho?

leonstj

@Hot mayonnaise I take a slug of my secret desk whiskey every mention of "spiders" here or "shorts" on The Awl.

City_Dater

@leon.saintjean

Can I come work at your desk today?

ellbeejay

I don't know whether to be impressed or to spend the rest of the day weeping. You guysss.

freelee

ACK! this isn't looking good, but neither is my real-life future. time to take it for another spin. can Llewellyn also give me advice to stop screwing up life?

Watts Up?

The tarot has spoken. Time to get cracking on Babe #2. Holy shitballs, this is my LIFE.

wee_ramekin

I asked "Will I ever find love again (*sob*)?" and got told that in the past, I was arrogant and egotistical but a great friend (?), in the present I refuse to let go of the past (!), and in the future..."you have done something very foolish on impulse. This is going to have some far-reaching consequences."

I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE.

fuck.my.life.

VictorVictrola

WOW and also WHOAnow and, do you think if I change the deck of cards and keep changing and changing I will eventually land on a fortune that isn't so mind shattering?

Kitty

@VictorVictrola No. It doesn't work. Tried it. And again. Basically I suck at life.

mizadventure

@VictorVictrola Or is this just depressing for everyone? Sort of a Professor Trelawney / auto-prophesy of doom via the internet? Because, yeah. Eep.

maevemealone

Changing decks and trying again didn't get me better results either. Stupid tarot cards...

angermonkey

@maevemealone Yeah, mine was all REALLY negative in a "You are depressed! You are despondent! YOUR STRUGGLES ARE MIGHTY" and... Not so much? Things are good! MAYBE THEY'RE NOT AS GOOD AS I THINK! OH GOD!

...no, really, I can't complain, and that's coming from someone who has struggled with crippling depression since I was 10.

annierebekah

this is the perfect time-suck for today, as I've already read Susan Miller's Monthly forecast and have had enough of googling "Mayan Astrology" for now (how am I "earthquake" and "n'oj" at the same time?? Mayans?)

FMoss3

Jesus. That was totally depressing and also scarily accurate. Sigh.

Gnome Vagina

You guysssss I asked it "What should I do about my job (that I hate, and was really hoping to leave soon)" and it said I face a period of malicious slander, arguments, and pettiness, and there is a possibility of problems, trouble, and of failure of plans BUT it also said barriers will fall and urgent messages of a positive nature will come my way and new beginnings will fill me with joy and contentment. But THEN it ALSO said my goals will be abandoned too soon and I am refusing to take responsibility and creating trouble through the wrong use of personal power. Halp!

Judith Slutler

I... I think I'm going to get into grad school now!? But maybe it will also complicate things with my boyfriend!? AHHHHHH

JessicaLovejoy

I like how mine went from "hmm, that's nice, but couldn't it apply to anyone?" to "OHMYGOD THERE'S SOMEONE RIGHT BEHIND ME AND THEY'VE CUT A HOLE IN MY HEAD AND THEY'RE SYPHONING THE THOUGHTS RIGHT OUT WHHYYYY"

permanentbitchface

My love life is looking good for the future! "Past efforts come to fruition, bringing great satisfaction." But my career is a "Fruitless struggle." :(
I guess I can live with that!

mademoiselle cait

My boyfriend is going to cheat on me in a perverse way! and .. "a stabbing emotional pain in the chest"? Not tight, guys

christonacracker

I have muddled thinking and misery in my future! How nice.

JoanTition

WHY ARE YOU SO RIGHT, ONLINE TAROT?! Why?
Can someone suggest where I can have a spiritual quest? I mean... I already knew that that's basically what I need but now that Llewellyn has agreed I got to get onnnn this shit.

Kitty

So, basically... I am an awful person who longs for something I will never have. Seriously internet?!?! My period is going to make me over think this damn tarot card and my life while listening to Enya.

Kitty

@Kitty And now it just told me "I will find myself in trouble with the law"... Christ... what did I do now?

Annie Malamet@facebook

SO GOOD. This is literally the best thing to do at an office job.

Noelle O'Donnell

"This card indicates that an unexpected shock or disaster will change your life completely. "
Yeeeah, this is freaking me out because I'm going to the doctor's next week for a suspicious bump I've had for awhile. I realize I am severely overreacting about something not based in factual science but it doesn't help.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@feverdreams Mmm, well, the bump may be benign but you decide to adopt healthier habits anyways because you didn't enjoy freaking out beforehand? That would qualify as life-changing, I think. Just trying to take another approach here.

Siouxsie

It keeps telling me I'm about to get knocked up. Oh no...

Siouxsie

Oh and now this is my future: "Prison. Excessively strict environment. Exile and depression. Abandonment. Exhaustion caused by battling overwhelming odds over an extended time. Fruitless struggle."
Oh mannnnnn

LolaLooksFrench

Everyone is saying this... but it's freaky dead on. And I was thinking about trying to find someone to read my cards earlier this week, but realized that I was too broke for it. The cards came to me. Ah!

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

I thought, 'my job/career'

Got: You were wild/primal, work hard, then prosperity

Good then?

JessicaLovejoy

@Too Much Internet Wild and Primal? Did you get the Horned guy, too?

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@JessicaLovejoy: Yes. He seems pretty legit.

LolaLooksFrench

@Too Much Internet I got the horned guy when I asked about my love life. Good sign I think?

fictitious

Apparently I don't have a boyfriend because I am a hermit, and the best possible outcome should I get a boyfriend is unplanned pregnancy. THANKS tarot reading! Hermit 4 Lyfe.

sophia_h

Heee. As a long-time tarot reader (I have the 2 of Pentacles from Llewellyn's World Spirit deck tattooed on my shoulder!), I have to smile because tarot card meanings are always perfectly written to feel accurate. Let's face it, you turn to the deck whenever you're facing a decision or feeling torn between a few paths, and thus you get ambiguously-worded guidance that addresses your confused state very well. I've learned to go from "this is freakishly on, omg!" to "hmm, I'm glad I randomly turned this card because it made me think of something I wouldn't have before."

I also highly recommend you guys buy your own decks! It's awesome when you get really familiar with the cards and assign personal meaning to some of them, plus it gives you this great meditative high. I always fall back and take a brief nap as soon as I finish a reading, whether I mean to or not.

eclare

@Maren
That's kind of the way I've typically viewed it, but when I try a reading on my own I'd say it's 50/50 as to "right on - that's correct" and "what the hell does this have to do with anything?"

sophia_h

@eclare
Yeahhh, that's sometimes the drawback. I have a really good Tarot-interpretation book that I use instead of the books that came with my decks, called "Tarot Plain and Simple." I like it because while it does give an interpretative passage for each card, it first gives a free-association list of 50-100 concepts that go with the card, like "Pain. Suffering. Loss. A surgery. A cruel person." I find that a lot easier to apply to your personal situation than just one paragraph.

eclare

@Maren
Neat - I will try to pick up a copy!

angermonkey

@sophia_h I have a friend who uses her tarot deck basically as a brain storming/brain mapping exercise and she's remarkably good at seeing every angle of everything. I've always thought tarot worked, just not the way, you know, a tarot reader you pay to tell you your future wants you to think it does.

lillianc

and to think i actually paid to have a tarot reading.

FreudsDream

Creepy correct. Not looking good for the future of my current fling though :-(

Lemming

My reading was kind of like that friend who always tells you what you the truth even though you don't really want to hear it. I was all "I think I'm in love with (random guy) should I do something about it?" and the reading was all, "Girrrrrrrl worst idea ever! Because like remember that one time? And that other time? Yeah, come on, grow up." And I was all "tarot, you are mean but right."

Roaring Girl

I love that no matter how ridiculous I think tarot readings are, getting a good one will still make me dance around and shriek, "Yes! IN YOUR FACE, DESTINY!" BTW, my outcome card was Victory. BOOM.

JIMMY

Your article is very good, it is useful to me, I really like it, I hope you can write a better article. I will continue to focus on you, you can also go to Kellach

just_sunshine

girls, nothing compares to a real showdown, I was very skeptical about Tarot, but my best friend made ​​me acquainted with Amalia (a famous witch) in about an hour he told me all about my past about my sick father. She told me that in a month I'll find love, and so was!!!
4 months later I got married and now we have a gorgeous girl. If you ever want to know the truth about your future, or answers to questions, contact her amalia.retinsky@yahoo.com....i think she takes 50$ for a reading,but trust me...it worths every cent!!

Atell Rohlandt@facebook

Interesting article. I've seen so many online tarot reading applications and while some of them can be pretty spot on, nothing truly replaces a live and experienced reader. Sites like these are great fun when someone is learning the cards or asking questions just for fun but if you're looking for serious advice, it may be better to speak to someone who is a genuine intuitive or psychic instead of letting software 'roll the dice' for you, so to speak. I will say this much, it's most entertaining - even did a little spread for myself, just for fun!

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