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Thursday, June 16, 2011

53

Taglines for Romantic Comedies That Will Never Exist

- In love, there IS no auto-correct.
- All's fair in Lovecraft and Warcraft.
- Because love can't read a "No Loitering" sign.
- Baseball is America's past time. Falling in love is Malaysia's. This spring, fall in love with "Malaysian Vacation."
- Jack was an uptight efficiency expert. Lucy was a free-spirited artist. They never met because they lived very different lives.
- He was trying to steal her microwave for hydrocodone money. He didn't plan on stealing her heart. For hydrocodone money.
- She went looking for an ATM. Instead, she found love.
- She went looking for her Rite Aid rewards card. Instead, she found love. She signed up, for another Rite Aid rewards card.
- She went looking for signs of pre-cancer in most of her birthmarks. Instead, she found love. 
- In life, there are no accidents. Wait, except for car crashes and medical mistakes.
- Can two people allergic to gluten build up a tolerance ... to each other?
- Lucy thought didn't believe in love. She also thought she didn't believe that thing about how snakes can crawl into your house through the plumbing. Aaaa she was so wrong!
- There's no backup method of birth control for falling in love.
- He GPS'd her heart, right into a fucking lake.
- He was a robot, sent to protect her. She was a jar of olives. There was some kind of technical glitch, in the time traveling process.
- This spring, Adrian Grenier falls down a flight of stairs.
- The battle of the sexes never involved this much flensing, before.

Previously: How to Safe Sext.

Julieanne Smolinski is a frequent Internet contributor who loves logging online to use Twitter, use Facebook, or get directions to exciting new restaurants.



53 Comments / Post A Comment

Princess Gigglyfart

OMG Flensing. Did you totally learn that word from reading Blubber?? tell the truth!

nonvolleyball

@Princess Gigglyfart maybe she learned it the same way I did--asking my father what he meant when he said he'd "go after [my highschool boyfriend] with a flensing knife."

ejcsanfran

@Princess Gigglyfart: "Must Love Flensing"

CrescentMelissa

@Princess Gigglyfart Blubber. Yes.

Peteykins

"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll stand up and yell, No, no! He's all wrong for you! And then later you'll realize he was right for her all along!"

sox
sox

I had a good stretch where every roommate I lived with fell in love and subsequently ended up moving together (which is when I'd have to find a new roomie) and then later got married. It happened three times in a row! I always thought it would be a great romcom plot: she'd start placing ads that just by having her as a roommate, they'd be guaranteed to meet their soulmate by the end of the lease...until one day [Adrian Grenier? Ryan Reynolds? A Younger Brad Pitt?] answers her ad and of course they'd fight like cats and dogs about toothpaste and dirty undies on the floor and then fall in love.
Anyway, the streak ended and neither my last roommate nor I have met our soulmates or fallen in love or gotten married. :(

Ophelia

@sockiboos She was looking for a used refrigerator on Craig's List, but then she found and apartment. and love.

Ophelia

@sockiboos also, that's a pretty kickass rom-com plot.

sox
sox

@Ophelia Aw thanks! I actually despise romcoms but used to indulge my sister, who loves every.single.one. of them by requiring a three margarita minimum prior to viewing. But now if I see this in the theatre next year I'll know that some asshole movie maker person saw it here and stole it from me.
On the contrary, if you're a not-asshole movie maker person, feel free to contact me if you'd like my help fleshing out the details in exchange for the big bucks!

Ophelia

@sockiboos ooh, and they could work in some sort of margarita-downing requirement in the plot so we can all "play along" with the movie and get schnockered. And then Adrian Grenier would fall down the stairs...

TheFattestBunny

@Ophelia Okay, I totally went on Craig's List looking for a couch, and I came away with a date. Our wedding is August 20th. Thank you for making our "how we met" story seem kind of ridiculous and cute, instead of vaguely pathetic.

sox
sox

@TheFattestBunny It took 3 time of reading that to understand you were not kidding. That is the awesomest thing I've heard all day! Congratulations!

@Ophelia Yes, Adrian Grenier will trip on my cat toy and fall down the stairs while I'm out drowning the sorrows of yet another failed relationship with my sis at some stupid chick flick and then something something something he will puke in my very nice leather purse.

TheFattestBunny

@sockiboos Thank you! For two and a half years I lied to my family about how we met, but I think now when I tell the story I'll just use my best rom-com trailer voice. They will be charmed and dazzled, and perhaps willing to pay $8.50 to attend the wedding! Popcorn is extra.

Judith Slutler

@TheFattestBunny Um that is super-cute. Don't ever let anyone tell you it is vaguely pathetic. Because it's awesome!!!

mabellegueule

@TheFattestBunny Ahhh that is a _great_ story! Own it! Also when you say "best rom-com trailer voice" you mean the smooth, deep, super excited guy's voice, right? We all hear the same thing in our heads?

TheFattestBunny

@illcommunication Naturally!

becky@twitter

would the olive movie be titled 'olive juice'?

saythatscool

@becky@twitter Love Is The Pits.

ejcsanfran

@becky@twitter: "Why Not Take Olive Me?"

kayjay

@becky@twitter Or perhaps "Pimento" starring Guy Pierce. No? It's okay; I felt the burn with that reach and stretch.

dorkydebutante

@becky@twitter There was this one movie with that title (a romcom, of course) released like twelve years ago... wow that seems like ages ago now...

Ophelia

@becky@twitter Olive the Nightlife

MollyculeTheory

@becky@twitter My Big Fat Greek Olive?
Hello, Mr. Niçoise Guy?
Kalamaty Jane?

becky@twitter

@Ophelia olive to boogie (the 3-D dance sequel with a cameo by johnny number 5)

becky@twitter

@kayjay as long as it's not pimento loaf. ew.

becky@twitter

@dorkydebutante strange! i must find this on the internets. i got it from 'the other sister.'

becky@twitter

@MollyculeTheory now all i can hear in my head is, "no more mister niçoise guy!"

becky@twitter

@ejcsanfran olive, laugh, love (too far?)

becky@twitter

@saythatscool i'm envisioning john cusack and meg ryan, soaking in a hot tub of brine. cusack being the olive, of course, and meg ryan as a rusting robot.

katiechasm

@becky@twitter Olive Actually

dorkydebutante

@becky@twitter I did too, but then I heard about this film through being a Backstreet Boys fan - the lead actress is married to Brian Littrell, who shows up for like 30 seconds in some rando role. lol. Oh, and AJ as the DJ who gets hit with a shoe or something! Oh, memories.

...Yeah, it was all kinds of late-90s and low-budget, which is embarrassingly entertaining.

becky@twitter

@dorkydebutante was he the heart condition backstreet boy? i missed out on the late 90s boy band phenomenon.

lil_bobbytables

I have never been more distressed than I am right now, looking into the future knowing that a movie with the tag line "All's fair in Lovecraft and Warcraft" should exist, but does not.

katherine

@lil_bobbytables What about Minecraft?

sarah girl

"This spring, Adrian Grenier falls down a flight of stairs."

Why did I straight-up GUFFAW at this? I'm imagining this trailer set to Britney Spears' "Crazy" and it is amazing.

Ophelia

@Sarah H. And it's the same narrator voice that does all of the voiceovers in "The Holiday"

merg

@Sarah H. Yes! That was my absolute favorite!

adminslave

In the same vein, cracked did a list of fake Matthew Mcconaughey romcom movie posters:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/matthew-mcconaugheys-next-10-movies/

mabellegueule

@adminslave Also in the same vein, The Onion news network did a story of 34 Katherine Heigl movies released at the same time.
http://www.theonion.com/video/in-freak-accident-34-katherine-heigl-films-release,19824/

Gene

The commas should be deleted from "She signed up, for another Rite Aid rewards card"; "There was some kind of technical glitch, in the time traveling process"; and "The battle of the sexes never involved this much flensing, before." At a minimum!

thundertheft

@Gene Well, your last sentance is a fragment and should include a verb! Now you're going to have to turn in your "Grammar Police" badge.

Gene

Fragments are, of course, acceptable.

whizz_dumb

Women are pimento stuffed olives, men are jalapeno (or garlic?) stuffed olives.

cherrispryte

@whizzard Women are pimento stuffed olives, Men are pimentos?

whizz_dumb

@cherrispryte Touché!

atipofthehat

@cherrispryte

Almond gonna think about that one.

dr. annabel lies

I always hoped to be portrayed by a jar of olives in any potential biopics.

-----------

"He was a robot, sent to protect her. She was a jar of olives. There was some kind of technical glitch, in the time traveling process" has me DYING.

wharrgarbl

She's finally found the man of her dreams. Now all she has to do is keep him from being eaten by CHUDs long enough to meet her parents. This spring, see Renee Zellweger and Viggo Mortensen in "The Roadtrip."

Princess Jasmine

@sockiboos They kind of already made that film http://imdb.to/15dYC with Dane Cook! Except in his version you had to sleep with him. I prefer yours...

Cédric Le Merrer@twitter

"She wanted to be taught how to dougie. He just wanted to superman dat hoe. She never expected he'd put a ring on it."

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