So! You Want to Get Married!
Are you one of those young woman whose head is constantly occupied with thoughts of finding — and keeping — a husband? Then there is no better place to turn than the pages of Dorothy Fremont Grant's 1947 book for young Catholic women, So! You Want to Get Married! It's chock full of advice for attracting the right type of boy and tips for playing the role of wife so well that he will never want to leave you, not even for his secretary. So! You want to take a look!
Do no proceed unless you are certain you're an adult. Next step, consider your future husband from all angles.
OK, you "probably love him." Now think about the ways you can ensure he finds you attractive enough to marry.
Hmm, what kinds of things land you in the rogues' gallery?
I guess so? You'd better keep your lips to yourself, and also watch what you wear.
No claws. Check. No pants. Check. But what about when we go for a swim?
Simple enough. Now, assuming you haven't turned yourself into a guinea pig, congratulations, you win a husband!
Uh oh, wait, what? Now you must set about the business of making sure your marriage to this annoying man does not crumble. Here are some rules to follow:
No whining.
Hats: do not even ask.
Nobody loves a side-show freak.
Wait, I thought we were supposed to not even kiss before marriage? So how do we know that love-making before marriage was… sweet cream? Hmm, but that's good advice about the dinner. Speaking of cooking, spend some time thinking about how things will run in your family.
What kind of person would want to go "contrary to nature"? Certainly not you.
Well there you and you and you have it. Go forth and seek your wedded bliss!
[Thanks for the book, Meegan!]
I wish *I* had "freedom from the relentless periodicity that handicaps women at regular periods".
@formergr NO JOKE. I was just thinking this as I was jolted at 6 am by the kind of cramps that make you want to die. I already asked my gyno for better painkillers and all he gave me was jumbo ibuprofen! I WANT VICODIN DAMNIT
@formergr: Be careful what you wish for. Once you lose that "relentless periodicity" it's all night sweats and endless, irritated screaming at your family for getting the wrong kind of couscous at the grocery.
@Bittersweet F-cking Israeli couscous.
@Bittersweet– I yell about couscous specifically DURING the relentless periodicity.
@elysian fields Why do they think you're such a junkie to ask for REAL painkillers? I remember my gyno was horrified when I asked the same and all I was thinking was "this lets me actually GO TO WORK and not want to kill myself/everyone else" unlike the stupid ibuprofen or alieve…I guess back pain is REAL pain but my insane cramps aren't?
@dokuchan Have you looked into Celebrex? I have orthopedic issues right now that Aleve did shit for, and ibuprofen only somewhat managed even at very high doses. I can't think on narcotics so was trying to avoid them, and finally asked my doc for a prescription for Celebrex. HUGE difference! I can at least get through the day now!
When looking online at side-effects and information, I saw that it's also indicated for menstrual cramps, so it might be worth a shot!
@dokuchan – you should see the dude i saw yesterday. apparently, i cracked a rib. my lovely wife asked me to go get it checked out, but there's no bruise and i kept thinking 'these people are going to think i'm some junkie'. the doctor foisted vikes on me even before the x-ray came back. i actually tried to refuse them. he was so insistent. so here i am, viked up, posting on teh hairpin. whooo.
But not ME, I am in my late-twenties (very nearly early-thirties), and clearly my ship has sailed. Probably because of my slacks and claws and all the entries I've made in the rogue's gallery. Frown.
@Melissa Miller: Your goose is definitely fixed.
@Melissa Miller i bet there's a guide for us old, unmaried biddies in our late 20s too.
I love how the author takes a stand: it doesn't matter which class you belong to, what the colour of your skin is – always remember not to wear an ugly hat.
@feartie With hats as they are today, one simply must take a stand!
I am always looking for new euphemisms for my monthly flowers! I think "relentless periodicity" is just the kicky term I've been looking for.
@annierebekah: Is that "flowers" as in "peonies" or as in "that which flows"? Obv, either would work.
@annierebekah Thanks to the Hairpin, we now go with "Shark Week" in my household.
These are such good tips! Next time I go to the beach I'm going to put a sign on my belly that says "OK But don't tickle."
@Dana Bjorum Forget the beach, I'm just going to tattoo that on my stomach as a reminder to my boyfriend that he is about to get punched in the head. (You know, the loving kind of punch to the head.)
@Dana Bjorum : tattoo idea!
@Dana Bjorum Why not burn it on with some sunscreen?
@JessicaLovejoy @Dana Bjorum zinka! http://zinka.com/
Oh god, you can make you husband so nervous with complaining that he has to go to the hospital????
Also, I love sour cream.
@theharpoon Jinx!
@theharpoon : That's exactly what I was thinking! No thanks, I already have a pussy, I dont need another one!
@Lily Rowan (Aaaah! Now I can't talk!)
@theharpoon Um, what do I do now? Say your name or some shit? theharpoon. It's been a long time since I jinxed anyone!
@Lily Rowan I don't know, I had to Wikipedia it to find out what happened to me.
@theharpoon OK, let's just say you're unjinxed now….
@theharpoon Jinx(children's game) is one of the most amazing wikipedia articles I have ever read.
@leon.saintjean It really is. Keep in mind, @Lily Rowan, the jinxee is not allowed to touch the jinxer, or hurt him/her in any way.
@theharpoon Oh wait, that would be me! I guess I have to keep it in mind.
You can keep this in mind instead: "Another penalty is that the loser owes the winner (that is, the person who called jinx) "a Coke" (cola beverage). Victory is often announced when the jinxed person speaks out of turn and the winner yells enthusiastically, "You owe me a Coke!" More often, the winner does not ever receive the Coke."
@theharpoon We did not have "Jinx you owe me a coke" in my youth, and definitely if you said the person's name by accident, it unjinxed them. That was the fun!
And what if you really like sour cream??
oh HOW I wish we could see whatever statistic is cited by note #14 on page 102! is it a peer-reviewed study from Natural Masculine Leadership Quarterly?
also…pipes? gentlemen smokes cigarettes but ladies smoke pipes? this was a thing?!
there are, of course, many other wtf moments in this piece but those were my favorites.
@nonvolleyball
Ladies also used to drink gin (circa the 1920s)
@nonvolleyball This Lady still does. Mmm…gin.
@Watts Up? 2nded.
@nonvolleyball When I was a kid, my grandmother smoked pipes (before she quit smoking altogether). Of course, she also drinks like a fish and swears like a truckdriver, so maybe she's not representative?
@Quick Brown Fox she also sounds AWESOME, &, I suspect, would have some strong words for the author of this particular tome.
@theharpoon @Watts Up thirded! so moved!
@nonvolleyball Agreed! LET'S SEE THAT FOOTNOTE LADIES
So you can kiss your boyfriend in front of a chandelier as long as you kiss your dad, too? Is that it?
Exposed flesh=free experiments? Got it!
Also, I'd love to know the citation for the footnote on page 102 about men having a native capacity to govern, which is not common to women. Is it the Bible? I bet it's the Bible.
@Mere Weirdly, it's not the Bible. It's a book called "Marriage" by Cf. Morrison…
Thank you, Dorothy Fremont Grant, for so exasperating a generation of young women that they grew up to make it possible for me to be just the kind of "collector's item" who will never, ever marry!
@City_Dater I actually kind of like the idea of being a "collector's item." It's better than "spinster" at any rate…
@City_Dater I'm pretty happy to be a collector's item. Someday I'll be worth a lot of money at the antique market (nursing home?)
@margaret_r Absolutely. All your internal organs will be in showroom condition.
"More, man has a native capacity to govern which is not common to women."14
14. Young, Andre (PhD). Bitches Ain't Shit By Dr. Dre Feat. Snoop Doggy Dog. Rec. The Chronic, 1992. CD.
@KatnotCat OMG, that made me laugh so hard.
@KatnotCat I love everything about that. EVERYTHING.
@Watts Up? (PhD).
@Lily Rowan Not MD, to be clear. He's not that kind of doctor.
I want a rogue's gallery kind of love…
@jonacon you gender identity could be rogue
For a Catholic guidebook this is practically progressive. Where's the Holy Virgin? Where's the warning against Protestant boys?
@distrighema It also sounds oddly similar to some Catholic wedding homilies I've heard lately.
This reminds me a little of an oppoosite, but still euphemistic, guide for women, How to Live Alone – And Like It, from the 1930s, I think. It even has drink recipes!
@Butterscotch Stalin I want that!
@Butterscotch Stalin
LIVE ALONE AND LIKE IT is the only self-help book any woman will ever need, even today. Marjorie Hillis would give Mrs. Grant a nervous breakdown, explaining how and why to entertain men in your own home, what kind of liquor it's best to have on hand, and the need for a very pretty bed jacket.
@theharpoon Here you go (sort of)! It is the must-have guide to elaborately tricking your friends while wearing one of several quilted bed jackets.
@City_Dater Hmm, I think my misremembering of the title has a little more… flair? My copy is in storage, about the only thing I specifically remember is that the Martinis were pretty wet.
Oh, and also, it's a really good Gang of Four song!
@Lauren_O'Neal Ooh, that sounds fantastic.
@Lauren_O'Neal Yesssssss
@theharpoon Highly recommend! It's a great book by the wonderful Marjorie Hillis. I own it, as well as the follow-up, Orchids on Your Budget. My favorite part is that Marjorie (who used to be the editor of Vogue in the 1930s) actually lived alone until the age of 49, when she married an older gentlemen and lived with him until his death ten years later. Then she lived alone again! Happily on all counts too, from what it sounds like.
So confused by the "wouldn't kiss your father in front of people so don't kiss a boy in public either" thing. Because that is a seriously different type of kissing. Like not even comparable. What the hell?
Also, I think I need a list of the kinds of "dates" that there can be. God, the 1940s must have been confusing.
As a man, I am going to just state that we enjoy being kissed both under the chandelier AND behind the honeysuckle vine.
I'm not sure if this is the right thread to ask this, but I was wondering if you guys like my new hat?
@cbrownson It's lovely with that same old dress you always wear.
@cbrownson Well, with hats as they are today…
Cole Porter (via Ann Miller) has something to say about marrying a Tom, Dick, or Harry.
I wanna punch this book so hard.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
god i love being married. it is my cup o' tea. my wife blinds me with beauty and sweetness everyday. occasionally, she tries to kill me, but she's just so goddamn gorgeous that i melt a little. which only seems to make her angrier. she's surprisingly strong.
Pretty sure "making love" used to be a euphemism for flirting. I was reading some random mystery book from the forties recently and got pretty confused when one lady was "making love" to all the men in the room and then only one of the men made love to her. I didn't verify this, but…I don't think I was reading a sex book. Hmmm. If I was, that's kind of weird about the murder.
good tips for the girls who want to fall in any relationship.
live pakistan news
Hah! A rogue's gallery!
What if you call your partner Daddy? Heh…then where shall we kiss? ; }
I don't think it's wise to eat a good meal before venturing into the sour cream of marital love-making. Have you ever farted on your partner during a session? Horrifying or hilarious, it certainly (usually) deflates the mood!
@daylightspool – what a fine variety of unpleasant things.
Duuuude(ette?). I am in an open marriage, I OWN the rouge's gallery. I blame it on my predilection for low cut slacks, bright red lips and army boots. I am such a hussy.
@LoveDoll But the HAT! What sort of HAT are you wearing?
Out of all the youth that go marry when I was a youth, there is only one surviving. I believe it was more then one hundred marriage that have end in divorce. Marriage is not what it use to be. I wanted a partner not a Slave Master.