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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

32

Safe Sexting: Some Tips for Doing It Right

In light of recent events, here are some ways to ensure your sexy photographs can't be traced back to you:

- Use the "sepia" setting on your digital camera. If someone leaks the photos, you can say, "What? Don't be crazy. These photos were clearly taken in the past."

- Find a good foundation. It's a great way to cover up any distinguishing genital marks, tattoos, or vitiligo — and searching for the proper shade will give you a great excuse to take off your underwear in Sephora.

- Don't think of covering your face as a subterfuge! Think of it as an opportunity to show off your personality with an African mask, a backwards Davy Crockett hat, or the album cover of Bob Dylan Live 1966. (You know, so it looks like Bob's head is atop your naked body.)

- Try adding a misleading watermark, like "X17" or "OfficialWynonnaJudd.com." If someone leaks the photos, you can say, "That's not me, that's clearly Wynonna Judd."

- Sexy pictures don't have to be so literal! Why not send an erotic representation of your nudity, like two pepperonis or a particularly vaginal flower?

- In 18th-century Japan, odoriko, or "Geisha," culture fetishized the subtle sliver of female arm flesh visible at the end of the furi, or kimono sleeve. Try taking a couple deliciously lascivious shots of the inside of your wrist for your partner. If someone leaks the photos, you can reply indigantly, "For crying out loud, it's a wrist. You think a wrist is sexy? What are we, in 18th-century Japan?"

- Instead of a photo, send a scanned PDF of an erotic drawing of yourself. It's OK if you're not a great artist! Try tracing paper or reminding yourself that sexting is not about being Margaret Bourke-White! It's about doing something erotic for your partner. As an added security precaution, don't be famous, work for the government, be an ordained religious leader, or ask a Kinko's employee to scan the your drawing.

Julieanne Smolinski is a frequent Internet contributor who loves logging online to use Twitter, Facebook, or get directions to exciting new restaurants.

Image via Flickr

32 Comments / Post A Comment

TheFang

Wow! That is quite the vaginal flower!

HungryGrad

@TheFang, I saw balls. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Jolly Farton

@TheFang I see a cow face :((

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

Also don't let Reese Witherspoon know. She'll just tell you to go hide under your bed in shame.

theinvisiblecunt

@Josh, I KEEP HOMEGIRL UP TO DATE ON EVERY DETAIL OF MY PERSONAL LIFE AND NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME

shenannies

Just don't do it! Seriously why would you want to send those sort of pictures, so many ways it could end badly.

That flower is gorgeous, anyone know what it is?

punkahontas

@shenannies I know! My husband was like "I wouldn't send a picture like that TO YOU. Why would he send those pictures to random girls?"

lids

@shenannies Looks like a type of orchid. Orchids can be cray-zay wonderful weird. Maybe a lady-slipper variety?

Slapfight

@shenannies It IS a ladyslipper. The state flower of New Hampshire.

sp8ce

@punkahontas Because he already got you so he doesnt need to send out bait anymore. Whether or not that bait is effective is another question.

adriana

@shenannies Oo, even the name is euphemistic. "Lady-slipper." Love it.

Xora

@sp8ce That bait is ineffective, as punkahontas's husband is smart enough to know.

punkahontas

Also: If your name is Weiner, (or, I guess Vajayjay or something) don't send lewd photos of yourself around, because the jokes are way too obvious, and no one will ever forget what you did.

Jolly Farton

@punkahontas [first name of people I know] + Vajayjay = much time spent giiiggggling
NO REGRETS

Napoleon

@punkahontas Joseph Vajayjay
Samantha Vajayjay
Daniel Vajayjay
(Literally just sitting at my computer laughing like a baby laughs at ripped paper. This is gold. GOLD!)

notandersoncooper

For fellas I recommend framing your junk in a two inch square against a white background. When challenged on appropriateness, simply answer, "For Christ sake, it's a passport photo."

xine

yay! more stuff from Julieanne! I sweat her tumblr. (& yes I just used slang from 1994.)

Kneetoe

Also, NEVER send a picture of your face with a piece of paper with the word "me" written on it and an arrow pointing to you and photos of you with famous people in the background. But, why am I wasting your time, you're not stupid, and only a REALLY stupid person would do that.

whatawonderful

This article speaks to me! Not because I have sexted or been sexted at, but because I have vitiligo near my no-nos!
Thank you for including us spotted folk in your article, Julieanne. You will be in our pigment-less hearts forever.

laurel

I prefer to think of you as 'dappled'.

mac
mac

People do it because they think it's fun. I personally don't generally have identifiable bits in my pictures (and I have a whole Flickr photostream's worth).

But, if someone does ever try to shame me with my nudie pics, I'll probably be hurt and embarrassed that they're jerks, but otherwise I'll live. Most people are sexual beings, and have sex, and do sexy things. Soooooooo what.

(This perspective brought to you by your friendly local Flickr homemade porn lady)

lids

@mac I am so with you on this! Document your sexy sexy-times if you wanna!

Hot mayonnaise

@mac: People can do whatever they'd like (and it doesn't bother me), but one could also lose a (potential) job/promotion/etc. because of it.

kittennnnns

WHOA. Former lurker here that just made an account to (type-)scream OH MY GOD JULIANNE SMOLINSKI IS THE SINGLE GREATEST PERSON I FOLLOW ON TUMBLR AND NOW SHE IS RIGHT HERE ON THE HAIRPIN?!?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS

Techmo

@kittennnnns This is the truth

xine

@kittennnnns Me. I read "Some of Many Imagined Conversations Between Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn" and was internet smitten.

kittennnnns

I want to be her internet bff, and the internet bff of the two of you by association

Boobs Radley

@kittennnnns You can all be my BFFs. All aboard the Internet Friendship.

inbed

Representive vajayjay idea: bag of dried peaches = bag of vaginas. because if one vag is hot, a whole bag of 'em is smokin'.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Dust. Wind. Bun.@twitter

I cracked my mom up talking about this - she was saying how it's good this wasn't a thing during Clinton's big horndog era. I snootily informed her that no, Big Dog's got too much class to text someone pictures of his junk. With him it'd be a Tiffany-framed 5x7 taken by a glamour photographer, or nothing.

I think she peed a little.

Heliconia

I feel the need to inform everyone who's mentioned the picture of the flower that yes, it's an orchid (probably a lady's-slipper), and better yet, the name orchid comes form the Greek word orchis/orkhis, which means testicle. I HOPE THAT MADE YOUR DAY AS IT DID MINE.

pama

Looks like a type of orchid. Orchids can be cray-zay wonderful weird. Maybe a lady-slipper variety?seagrass furniture

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