Reading Between the Texts
The Texts
B: “Hey are you ready to get dinner?”
Him: “Nah, I can’t anymore. I’ve gotta study.”
The Analysis
K: What. The. Fuck.
B: I know, right?! Why didn’t he just write, “I hate you, you’re stupid”? It’s the same thing.
K: How did he spell "no"? Was it normal or are you just saying it weird?
B: N-a-h.
K: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
B: I’m serious!!! That’s what he wrote!
K: Gross. That is so gross. See? He is SO self-centered that he can’t be bothered to have his mouth close around words properly! Like, I can sort of see his tongue hanging out at the end of that.
B: Exactly. He’s sticking his tongue out at me.
K: I’m sorry. He just isn’t good enough for you. He is the worst.
B: Well, hopefully he’s dead by tomorrow.
The Texts
R: “Hey, just wanted to tell you that I miss you and love you and you are an awesome boyfriend.”
Him: “Thanks”
The Analysis
R: *Crying* If he doesn’t love me anymore, why can’t he just, like, tell me so I can move on???
K: Come on. He definitely still loves you.
R: He didn’t say he loved me back! Or that he missed me, or that I’m an awesome girlfriend, EVEN THOUGH I AM ONE!!!!!
K: You are one! You definitely are! Maybe that part was implied? For instance, if he didn’t think those things, he could have said, “Thanks. You could use some work.”
R: *Cries*
K: He’s visiting this weekend. It’ll be better then.
R: Yeah, but I just feel like he should know that the only reason I’d send a text like that is to make sure that he still cares about me, and that an appropriate response would be more along the lines of, “I love you and miss you too, I think about you all day everyday, and I can’t wait to be with you this weekend AND for the rest of our lives!!!”
K: Maybe you could give him a series of appropriate text conversation outlines, like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" manual but for texts?
R: I’ve thought of that. I just don’t know if I have the time.
The Texts
K: “So what are we doing this weekend?”
Him: “I’ve heard about a couple parties. We’ll talk.”
The Analysis
R: That sounds good! What’s wrong with that?
K: I just feel like if he were excited, he would have put an exclamation point after "talk" instead of a period.
R: That is actually crazy.
K: Why?!?! It sounds like he is only very reluctantly willing to spend time with me. There is no enthusiasm there. He’s like, “ugh, fine.”
R: But he referred to the two of you as “we.” That’s good, right?
K: Using “we” is not inherently positive. He could have said, “We are going nowhere because we wouldn’t make a cute couple because you are disgusting.”
R: You’re right, that’s basically what he said.
The Texts
E: “Hey I’ve got a free hour, want to go get groceries?”
Him: “Thanks, but I’m locked up workin on stuff”
The Analysis
E: What kind of stuff could he possibly even be working on that he can’t break away for an HOUR?
K: Maybe he has exams and homework! This is college!
E: Yeah but doesn’t he need food? To SURVIVE? Is he just not eating now?
K: I think he’s probably eating sometimes. Three times a day, even.
E: We haven’t hung out in over a week! I know he hasn’t gotten groceries since then! He’s probably having some skanky-ass girl deliver him food and that’s why he doesn’t need any groceries!
K: I seriously doubt he’s enlisted the help of a combination food delivery/sex work service.
E: It is literally the only explanation.
The Text
Him: “Cuddle?”
The Analysis
K: You got that just now?
C: Yeah. What do you think it means?
K: What?
C: Well I know what it MEANS but like, what do you think it really means?
K: It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. And it’s one word, with a question mark at the end of it. I am not exactly sure how many meanings it could have.
C: I know, I know! It is so late. Ugh, I don’t know what to do. It might be nice to make out with someone for a little bit. He is so hot. But I don’t want to be a ‘booty call,’ you know? Is it a booty call?
K: IT IS THREE A.M.
C: AHHHHH OKAY I KNOW THAT BUT AM I SLUTTY IF I GO?!?
K: A little bit. Most likely. But you know, sexual liberation. This is what Susan B. Anthony would have wanted you to do.
C: Yeah. Definitely. Okay. Maybe I’ll just go for a little while.
…
K: Wasn’t he saying he had to go throw up when we saw him two hours ago?
C: Maybe it was a false alarm.
Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and her favorite thing is advising her friends on text message punctuation.
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Oh mah gah, Katie Heaney, you remain my favorite other Katie. Also, how about the reverse of this situation? "Ahh, should I say let's hang out sometime or what are you doing tonight or just nothing? Should I wait one hour or 45 minutes to send it?!?!? HELP ME IN THIS CRISIS.
@Katie Walsh omgomgomg can I just say that deciding how long I must force myself to wait to reply to texts is quite literally the WORST PART OF MY LIFE
@Katie Heaney Ugh and I hate waiting for the reply thinking "OH MY GOD I JUST RUINED EVERYTHING WITH ONE TEXT!!!!!!!!" I hate technology and our generation's lack of/overdeveloped communication skills. Can someone please arrange a marriage to one of those hotties from the daguerrotypes yesterday?
@Katie Walsh – Yes! Like "Somewhere In Time".
@Katie Walsh those daguerreotype boys write LETTERS. You have to wait a week or more to find out if you screwed it up. Just look at Ms Bennett and Mr Darcy – it's the same issues, just slower! No wonder everyone died young.
"Thanks. You could use some work."
I think "Cuddle?" is maybe the most hilarrible single text message I've ever read. This is all amazing though.
@itmakesmewonder Cuddle? = I would like someone's but to press up against. I'm very drunk still so, I don't think anything will happen and I want to keep your expectations low but if you could somehow make something happen that would be really cool.
@itmakesmewonder 'Hilarrible'? That is wondrous, well done.
I looooooooooove overanalyzing text message battles with my friends.
I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it when it comes to me. Because clearly the only thing a boy is ever texting me with is "I HATE YOU" unless the text is like…."I love you, please marry me."
@The Lady of Shalott yes exactly.
This post is basically my life. I honestly think I spend the majority of my brainpower overanalyzing boyf texts and deciding when/how/if to respond. Then immediately freaking out no matter what.
Anything he sends means "ugh even though I'm taking the initiative to text you and see what's up/make plans together, I secretly hate you and am reluctant to even contact you" because everything ends in a period. Everyone knows you convey love and excitement through exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!
@The Lady of Shalott Yesss!!! Is the lack of exclamation points a man thing? Because I get THE most un-excited texts every from this guy. Example: "Ok" is the response to approximately 75% of my texts. But I am also the queen of emoticons and explanation points, so I don't know. But I've been thinking up new words to describe this phenomenon: he's not very texpressive. He's just not textative. There needs to be a word.
@bunB: "Explanation points" also needs to be a thing.
@bunB I like texpressive! If you are at the office, worriedly analyzing his latest "ok." over gchat while enjoying a morning coffee, perhaps you are having a texpresso? (aka my morning routine)
@spiralbetty Hahaha myyy baddd! But… oddly appropriate too?
And I just saw the "most un-excited texts everY" mistake. Sorry guys- I was a little excited about this post.
@bunB: "Is the lack of exclamation points a man thing?"
It is.
@The Lady of Shalott Perhaps an introduction to Hairpin commenter "boyofdestiny" is in order…
@Too Much Internet I only use exclaimation points if I would actually be yelling the statement if it were a face to face conversation.
Also, this post explains so much about the strange reactions I get from my text messages.
Fact: I take on the grammar, punctuation, and general shorthand style of the person I'm texting with. Yea or nay?
@Too Much Internet: A thousand times "yea," obv. And I assume you do the same thing when sending? Anytime I have to make cat-sitting arrangements with my ex, I always close with a passive-aggressive "Thx"
@Too Much Internet Yea. I started using emoticons in chats with my ex because he did and I wanted to make him feel, I don't know, comfortable? And now I can't stop
@Too Much Internet I only do this with emails (as in, I capitalize depending on whether the person I am corresponding with does or not). With texts, I refuse to not make an effort at whole words and punctuation. I mean, predictive text! Come on!
This was beyond great. And reminded me of when one passive-aggressive friend texted to another passive-aggresssive friend that he was back in town. She wrote back Yay without an exclamation mark. After a long silence he texted back "MORE LOVE PLEASE". She refused.
@millicent Now I want to respond "MORE LOVE PLEASE" to everything! It's the eternal answer to "Congratulations. How wonderful." Passive-aggressive friends interacting is the best.
@theharpoon: CAPS LOCK GOLD
@millicent This is the greatest. Would that we all were so honest about our desires!
@millicent Holy shit: "yay". That is awesome.
When I am being bitchy, I text "Thanks.". With a period. And I funnel all my rage and contempt for the other person into that one tiny full stop. My ex would actually ask me what was wrong when she got texts like that, that's how fully pregnant with bitchiness I made my periods.
Also, I think your passive-aggressive guy friend actually graduated to being assertive with that text! Yay.
@wee_ramekin I know, right? He grew! Doubleyay.
I've been known to use bitchy periods too.
Whoa.
Is that what Stereotype Man means when he talks about lady-periods? Has it been about punctuation all along?
@wee_ramekin The other day I texted my brother "Happy birthday! Hope you're having a wonderful day!" and got back the bitchy "Thanks." WTF, bro.
This is so timely! Last week, I told a dude (via text) that I could not hang out with him after I had previously told him that we could hang out, and his response was "………………….ok." I am not even exaggerating the number of ellipses.
@theharpoon the "ok"! I flip out on the regular over my SO's use of " ok ". "WHAT?! ok means ok!" Yeah…ok. Sure.
@McEllen Him: "OK" You/Everyone: "THAT IS THE MEANEST THING ANYONE'S EVER SAID TO ME"
@McEllen @Katie Heaney Neither of these interpretations are how I saw it. I thought he was being like "you're hurting my feeeeeeelings," which I am pretty sure was actually right, because, you know, I have more context for the situation. Also, he seemed like he was a weenie.
@theharpoon Now I feel that I should provide some of that context: This is a man who, after talking to me when I was drunk one time, asked if he could come by my work to "hang out" (I do not work in a retail store), and implied that I should drive him to a museum he wants to go to in another city. Basically, he managed to drive me nuts via text so I made the decision to not see him in person.
@theharpoon a) wow good decision b) yeah, total weenie (haha) and c) "ok" with ellipses = def feelings hurt, "ok" with nothing = ugh, so much room for mood interpretation
@Katie Heaney So true!
@theharpoon Sounds like an all right dude to me. Hanging out is cool! And afterwards you can go out and ride bikes! I mean, you know, if you really want to… It's cool if you don't though…
@theharpoon He does sound like a weenie, but if you had been clearer he could have asked someone else for permission to stalk them that night.
@Butterscotch Stalin Oh god. It was you, right? Do you live in Austin? Are you a dude? (I can't keep track on this crazy website) I'm sorry.
@theharpoon Yes, I am a "lowercase d" dude. I once dated a pretty, pretty girl from Austin, but I've never lived there. Maybe I should? What do you think?
@Butterscotch Stalin I like it! I won't drive you to any museums in other cities though, and also you can't visit me at work.
@theharpoon What am I supposed to do all day, huh? I bet your work is pretty interesting. You seem like the kind of person who does interesting work. Is Kerby Lane still around?
@theharpoon What about Marfa? That's not really a museum, right?
@Butterscotch Stalin Do you know how far that is???? IT IS SO FAR.
@theharpoon But you live in Texas? Anyway, it's totally worth it, don't you think?
p.s. You still have to tell me about the interesting work you do.
p.p.s. I bet other guys don't ask you about your work. Just me.
@Butterscotch Stalin You're right. Other guys don't ask her about her work. But, boy, do they ever get an earful just the same! All that broad ever does is talk about her work!
Seriously. I've met her IRL. The first thing she said was, "I do work, and let's TALK ABOUT IT!"
@marz Especially when I'm drunk. Those poor unsuspecting dudes!
ps I like how you're like "I've met her." WE ARE FRIENDS, OK??
@Butterscotch Stalin Only about half of my work is interesting, and even that half isn't interesting to a lot of people.
@theharpoon Yeah, that's true, we're basically like friends. I just didn't know if you would want to claim me. BUT YOU DID!!!
@theharpoon B-but wait! Now I don't have any reason to visit you Eye Are Ell… I'm starting to understand how that guy must have felt… *sad face*
@Butterscotch Stalin Just be glad you found out now, BEFORE you fell in love with her.
Wait…you haven't already fallen in love with her, have you? …This is awkward.
@Butterscotch Stalin She's right. You're lucky you found out ahead of time that I was never going to shut up about floppy disks and boot sector viruses.
@marz I WILL ALWAYS CLAIM YOU, BABY! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL WE SING THE LITTLE MERMAID AT KARAOKE THIS WEEKEND!!!!!
@marz @theharpoon ………………….
I typed all of those dots by hand, and as I tapped out each one, my heart broke a little more dot dot dot
@Butterscotch Stalin saaaaaaaaaaaaad
@theharpoon Are you being sarcastic? It's always hard for me to tell if a person is being sarcastic. But if you aren't, well… we can always give things another try…
@Butterscotch Stalin What do you expect, you didn't even pretend to be interested in my boring work!
@theharpoon What?! Now it's MY problem?? I didn't even get a chance before I was blindsided with the revelation that you give up your enthusiasm about it to practically any dude you meet in a bar! After I thought we had something special!! Really special!
@Butterscotch Stalin Are you two gonna xoxoxo, or what?
@MrComment NOT. EVEN.
@MrComment I hate hugging.
@theharpoon See? Now that's just weird! I'm glad we broke up! Glad!!!
I think someone needs to analyze a bunch of people's text conversations and prove that the ratio of # of words sent by female:# of words sent by male is like 3:1. Because I need proof that the number of times I've agonized over the wording/punctuation/tone/emoticon content of a three sentence text and my boyfriend has replied "sure" is not some kind of aberration.
@margaret_r This always and forever. When I'm trying to up my steeze with a guy I sometimes agonize and edit each text msg till they're like, one word shorter than theirs, and then tell myself I'm playing it so cool. And then I mess up and send a text that I know will be broken into two parts and feel awful/too earnest.
@VictorVictrola: Is "steeze" a word now?!
Also, yessssssssssss. I write fucking paragraphs (all with correct grammar and proper punctuation, EVEN WHEN DRUNK, woe) instead of quick texts and my boyfriend hardly ever responds with anything other than, "Ok, i love you". No, if you loved me, you'd capitalize that "i"! Ha, ugh.
@mouthalmighty Wu-Tang
I LOVE THIS BLOG SO MUCH.
@ladycamos I'm sure the blog's response would be, "ok thx."
Congratulations. How wonderful.
life hermeneutics- DON'T DO IT
sike. text exegesis via g-chat occupies 56% of my waking hours.
And so seeing as we're on the subject, can I ask, because this has been bothering me forever, what is the policy on in- text kisses? My policy is, yes if a) we are doing it, or b) there is no way on God's earth we will ever do it, I have totally never thought of you that way. If I think one of us might want to do it but I'm not sure because we are not explicitly flirting, then no, no kisses, nothing of that sort. (Or if it's like, someone with whom a kiss would cross a professional boundary, obviously). Is this the general policy? I think it might be counterintuitive, and that maybe next time I'm texting someone I want to do it with I should discard this primity bullshit and be all, XOXOXOXOYEAHBAYBEEXXXX.
@discodamage Oh man the British-people xx thing after every text (with its own crazymaking permutations obvi) straight RUINED my life before I figured out that all the dreamy accented boys did not, you know, actually want to kiss my mouth.
@statistics_lie We're very repressed. Anyway, they totes wanted your mouth on their mouth. The number of xes is what should be analysed here.
@discodamage Oh my god, yes! In-text kisses make my head hurt. Particularly if you're in that not-explicitly-flirting zone for AGES and then it's like 'do I start kissing now even though it's been months and no one has started any of that kind of shenaniganary yet?' The trials of modernity. The trials!
@statistics_lie Yeah, everyone thinks the British are so reserved, but actually we are so free with bearhugs and in- text kisses and other water- muddying intergender headfuckery as to qualify for some kind of warning. Like how France got warned for not taking care of its hamsters?
@Oughtn't Yes! But. This is what alcohol is for. Write a text that is all sort of drunk- y and then slip a kiss in at the end. Some very modern problems have very old- fashioned solutions.
@Oughtn't Shenaniganary. And now I love you. Want to kiss?
@discodamage Must disagree, drinking + texting = bad news bearssssss
@statistics_lie Americans don't sign off with kisses? Oh god, now I need to know in case I ever text flirt with an American…
There is nothing like x text paranoia. There's X (playing it cool) xxx (standard, but keen) x x x (they spaced them out?? Way too studied, must love me) xxxx (far too keen, they must be weird, must find way out of attached relationship, what if I end up married to them and they turn out to refuse to leave me and become a stalker serial killer, I'll reply with just one x to communicate my intense paranoia). And so on.
more proof of how the hairpin constantly makes me feel better about my life. or at least in good company. doesn't get any better after college, younger 'pinnies. actually it might be worse.
It most definitely gets worse. Of course, I went to college before the "mobile phones" had the "texting." So maybe I don't have context for the better/worse analysis.
God dammit this is so topical because my boyfriend is literally DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY right now and I am freaking a little because he hasn't responded to my texts for like an hour. Like, he is driving a car with a stick shift! To Chicago! It is basically the least optimal texting situation to be in, and I'm still sitting here like "What if… oh god, I'm too clingy, he hates me…"
:<
@Sarah H. Are you me? Because if I don't hear back right away I always assume two things: he is either dead or we broke up. Only plausible explanations, right?
@Kitty Oh my god it's true D:
Oh, man. Wow. College. Good times. The best.
@alpelican Right? Reading this I'm just glad I didn't even HAVE a cell phone in college… And I wasn't the only one, either.
my best friend, on the reg, sends me screen grabs from her iphone of texts from man-friends. and then we delve into "ughhh why does he HATE me?!", "nooo you're completely overanalyzing", and "omg! love him!" conversations.
and in response to waitykaitie up there, yeah. doesn't get better after college. at least in college you could be somewhat certain that dudes were temporary. now they all have forever potential so everything is SO IMPORTANT.
@empem um, riiight? plus in college, maybe he left an exclamation out of his text message, but then when you ran in to each other in the dining hall he'd come sit with you and you felt your love (aka your semi-formal hooking up situation) was once again validated. in real life, he's a subway ride away and sometimes the texts are the only thing you have to go on. ughhhhh i hate being a "grown up."
Split second analysis:
Convo #1: That guy sucks. His mom prob never made him do his own laundry.
Convo #2: That guy is a bit clueless – or has lots of things in his hands, but not 100% bad.
Convo #3: This is a confident man. He wants to go out with you or he wouldn't have texted back.
Convo #4: He is actually with another woman while writing that text.
Convo #5: He's passing out in 5,4,3,2…
Needs The Problem of Conveying Tone on the Internet (-contemporaneous technology) tag.
@spiralbetty
How dare you! That was so uncalled for.
n: i dont know. sometimes i just feel insecure.
bf: everything will be okay. muah! got work early good night sweet dreams :*
how do they not know that that statement is merely the beginning of an hour long emotional barf??
@njellybean oh you poor darling. my friend had a bf who would end EVERY text with "ok have a good day, have fun, be talking to you later." every. single. one.
@Katie Heaney eugh. its not like i expect him to stay up with me until 4 in the morning soothing my hormonal wounds but…i expect him to stay up with me until 4 in the morning soothing my hormonal wounds! Haha.
@njellybean indeed. the early cut-off is one of texting's worst crimes against humanity.
Is this real? Do people do this?
@ann aunamis This is basically all I do! I was up til 1:30 analyzing a "yay" from the crush
'E: It is literally the only explanation.'
Exactly the kind of drama-llama interpretation I like to give after a good session of overanalysing texts (and by 'session' I mean 'a goodly portion of my day).
This is my text to the Hairpin: More love! I give you more love. <3 <3 <3 You are the prettiest, most awesome-est, and fabulous-est ever!
You know, one of the things that cuts down on ambiguity is to excise the superfluous. When you make an effort to lessen connotative artefacts, communication becomes much more direct. Like thus:
wut r u doin
iono nm u
lol wtf lame
wan2 do st
like wut
idk mayb you cld cum ovr
um no thx
;_;;;
lol jk cu soon bb :-*
Can we have one of these for overanalyzing emails from your grad school advisers? Those are the worst.
@Cavendish YES. YES. YES. I dreamed that my advisor sat down with my draft and started correcting my spelling mistakes. There were eighteen in one sentence. I was actually trying to calculate how I could've stuffed so many into ONE SENTENCE, and feeling the guilt at presenting her with my tripe pile on until I woke up sweating. My advisor, by the way, is the coolest, most reassuring "OMG YOU ARE A GENIUS" person ever (in class, she says "GOLD!" to every comment everyone makes). But she didn't answer an e-mail for a week, so I was convinced she'd finally turned on me.
@Cavendish My adviser was a huge pain in the ass and one of the worst things he would do is write "Fine" on everything I handed him. FUCKYOUANDYOURFUCKINGFINEMISTER!
OMG, THIS. It's SO easy for things to get misconstrued/misinterpreted via text. You can sometimes not tell whether they're joking or not. And, man, the whole waiting-to-reply thing is just awful. Like, does he think I'm desperate if I reply right away? Or should I wait?
And, the ultimate worst: Trying to send a smiley face to a (platonic) guy friend and sending a winky face instead. My girlfriends and I have shouted "Damn you, winky face!" to the ceilings of bars too many times.
@macaroni The same cry of rage has passed my lips as well. Fucking winky face.
Loved this and so true, all of it.
For me the most despised and irritating response text: k. Not "okay." Or "ok." Just, "k" WTF??? Too busy to type out a 4 (or 2) letter word? Ughhhhhh.
I like all the things you do, Katie. Especially this.
BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN like they hit you up at 3pm and are like "whacha doing tonight?" and youre like "no plans yet!" and they're like "cool lets talk later" they hit you up at 10pm BY WHICH TIME YOU HAVE ALREADY ACCEPTED THAT YOU PROB WEREN'T GOING TO HEAR FROM THEM SO YOU MADE PLANS and then you dont get to hang out with them even though you really want to AND WOULD TOTALLY DITCH YOUR PLANS FOR THEM except you can't do that, cause, FEMINISM, and stuff. And then you sleep over at their house a few days later but they don't hit you up for like EVER after that and you're like "ok if he doesn't text me by tuesday it's OVER" and he texts you tuesday night but not to hang out. THEN WHAT DO YOU DO????????????
hypothetically
@Rosemary oh giirrrl, do we know each other?
@Rosemary Ugh, yes, why does this happen so often? WHY DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND!
@Rosemary TEXT HIM AT 8:30 OR WHATEVER YOUR PLAN-MAKING TIME ACTUALLY IS. Because you know that whole "because feminism" thing. It means you are allowed to initate a conversation!!! fyi
@martinipie I think they do understand.
@spates I actually agree with Spates here. They know what's going on, those assholes.
@theharpoon Maybe some of them. I don't think all of them do, though. Like when you bring up some other kind of thing that was neurotically bothering you and thought it was bothering him too and when you bring it up he's like "Huh?" and then you go get eggs and coffee and wonder why he didn't notice said thing. I sound way more neurotic than I really am, I swear.
@martinipie you're not neurotic! or else we both are and that answer is unacceptable to me! but I agree: Some know. Some really don't.
@martinipie A guy who texts you at 10PM to go out that same night knows that you like him enough that youd be willing drop whatever youre doing to see him and hes taking advantage of it. If there were any doubt that you might not be willing to accept a last minute invitation he would definitely have asked you much earlier. He may not know that youve been obsessing over the text all day but he knows what hes doing.
@sp8ce Listen to Spates, y'all. I think this is the way it is unless you're seeing some dude who is completely oblivious.
Oh my god. This is everything I have ever wanted. This comments thread, in addition. Literally every day when I read the Hairpin I get an overwhelming feeling of camaraderie from you bitchez like we are really friends in real life because you are all people I would analyze texts with and then drink a lot of wine after.
@kittennnnns AMEN! I want to invite every Hairpinner over for for boozin' in the backyard. Come over and play Hairpin Laydeez!
@kittennnnns "overwhelming feeling of camaraderie from you bitchez " This. Exactly this. Nodding enthusiastically.
@kittennnnns SO MUCH. Posts like this are why I finally started commenting on the Hairpin.
what about when you get a dude that will actually text you nice things like "I want to see you" and "you're awesome, let's go do :insert name of activity: this weekend," but you're so used to the juiceboxes that you flip out saying "IS THIS A JOKE?!" and "WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN" or "YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T LOVE YOU."
Hypothetically.
@contrary Yes. I know about this. Hypothetically.
@contrary Holy shit yes. "Who put you up to this…?!"
I was seeing a guy who answered my, "Hey, how was your day?" text with, "totallt" which is the last text I ever got from him and how I knew we were for realz not going to go on any more dates.
Hahahaha, TEXTING. Like the time I painstakingly took an hour to come up with something super-cool and casual to say to a guy who I'd had drunken makeout times with the night before. And then we'd been dating for a year and he was looking through his old texts. And he was like "hey this is the first text you ever sent me, man it was really suave, I bet I sent you back something dumb…"
And I was just like, "yeah man, heh" and didn't confess to him how carefully engineered my cool casual text had been!!! Am I a dishonest harpy!?!?!?
@Emmanuelle Cunt A magician never reveals her secrets.
this is why i <3 the hairpin: this story, plus allllll the awesometastic comments, relate to my life so well and make me realize that i'm not a horrible pox unleashed on the world, as my ex would have had me believe (and i obviously am still debunking in my mind). there are plenty of us wonderful, funny, accomplished, neurotic peeps in the world and we all suffer from similar fears and anxieties… somehow this is wholly life-affirming for me. i'm sorry that it takes this level of communal suffering to make me feel better about myself, but there it is.
I had to re-start this page at least three times because I couldn't figure out what "text" meant. I was thinking "text" in the academic sense, not in the "moron, everyone has a phone and sends text messages" sense.
@literary_hippie Excellent synchronicity between your username and your comment here. (Pretty sure I misused the word 'synchronicity'. Leaving it to you to provide a better word.)
@literary_hippie it didn't actually occur to me that this wasn't a "Textbooks talking amongst themselves and overanalyzing the messages" feature a la Relationshapes until your comment. It didn't confuse me, I just saw the picture and assumed that's what was up. I am an idiot.
@literary_hippie Agreed, agreed. "Where are these strange conversations coming from? Who writes like this anyway?"
I'm happy to have been with my now-husband for the past nine+ years for a variety of reasons–but the fact that this spared me from dating in the text-messaging era had never occurred to me as a cause for celebration.
now I feel like the Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally: "promise me I'll never have to be out there again!" holycrap.
@nonvolleyball Cannot "like" enough.. so with ya. feel like a dodged a major bullet there..
one time a got a text from a guy that said "have a good weekend"…on a wednesday. AH!
ahhhhh yesss. I needed this
Awwww.
After my twenties I had to stop all this shenanigans. It's BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. And it hurts!
Now, if a guy starts to act all weird, I just delete ALL his texts and move him over to friend zone in my mind. Problems solved. Bullets dodged. Peace of mind…kept. He from then on, get's relatively monotonous one line texts like I would send my brother.
Don't let me fool you. This took YEARS to figure out. I just refused to spend anymore time staring at my iPhone and not effing living life.
When I get that …but! but!!! does he like me?? feeling…I put the phone on silent and put it in my drawer. That's when FO SHO i should NOT be texting anyone. I then go get a snow cone. And watch a movie. And…live life.
The truly wise, amazing men…they don't give you this kind of grief. Boys do.
Holla!
@redletterprints SPEAK IT, SISTER.
Yes! I'm so glad you wrote about this! When my partner and I were first starting to see each other sort of kind of, she sent me a text that said "call me later if you want to." What the fuck is that shit? Do I call? Does she want me to call? Does she care if I call or die in a fire? When is later? Like, in five minutes or an hour?
It turned out later that she wanted me to call, but didn't necessarily want me to know that. I still give her crap about that, five years into our relationship.
@kittles I get those too. "I'm free, call me if you want." Makes me want to ask the boy, "I've been telling you I want to talk to you…why can't you just call meeeee???" Le sigh.
Oh man, another way too relatable post.
This is so relevant to my entire dating life that I had to create an account just so I could say how relevant it is. It's my first time commenting on anything, and I love The Hairpin so much that I'm here every single day. So…it's good to finally be a part of things.
(In this case, I actually do mean the winky face.)
I had to join this site, to simply say, this is not okay. I feel dumber for reading it. For you women to CARE about a stupid txt message. OH what does it mean? It means what it says. Guys aren't that complicated when it comes to texts, and if you are into him in the first place, you need to do something like I don't know…..TRUST HIM? What a concept! If you don't trust him, then don't bother because the only thing you are getting yourself into is a miserable relationship. And btw, phones are meant for something else too, and that's ACTUALLY CALLING HIM. That might ease your worried mind.
@Janet I think you missed the point.
Oh god. My boyfriend and I are both English majors. There is so much agony in texting someone who actually understands how words work, because obviously he's not using them to make himself easier to understand, but to hide how much he secretly loathes me. Then I start analyzing it like I would a novel, and it is just the worst.
I'm going to start applying literary theory to text messages. See what good comes of THAT.
Okay, so after now reading this three times, and sending to my friends in the hopes that our text analysis can get a little better, here's a question: can we send in our most perplexing texts to you Hairpin ladies for explanations? "Ask a Text Message Expert," or something along those lines. Or maybe just "Ask a Dude – text edition."
@cmonster THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO
@Katie Heaney I know I have to stop reading posts a month late but
please yes DO THIS
Aaaah! How did I only just read this? One of my personal text pet peeves is the "for sure" response. It just screams "I do not really give a crap whether we go for sushi/ get a beer/ hook-up later," amirite? Also, this just makes me appreciate my best male friend. He just texted me to tell me he saw a movie I had recommended and to thank me and tell me that he loved it. <3 Restored my faith in the universe.
@loudmouthedgirl Oh, no no…forget the "for sure" response. I sometimes get "Fo Sho." Seriously? "Fo Sho?" I can't even get 2 whole words? 5 letters? And don't get me started on "no doubt" as a response to a question 4 text lines long. Boys. Can't live with them. Can't shoot 'em.
I had to sign up for this site just because I wanted to comment on how funny it is. Thank you thank you thank you. You just made work so much better.
Now my family is in one piece again. I m vey happy with the results priestoflovespell@yahoo.com gave us. (MoniqueLyon, France)