Wednesday, June 22, 2011


It Was the Statue

"You're pledging your entire life to one person, in a church with statues of bleeding people, and you're spending a fortune. The process is surreal, so it sets you up for anything."
Men explain why they fuck prostitutes in front of their fiancées' brothers during their bachelor parties.

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RK Fire

Imagine my disappointment when I clicked through the link and realized that although this was a Marie Claire article,it was not in fact written by Rich Santos.


Yes! I want to know what Rich's bachelor party will be like. I'm sure a "heady" mix of booze & strippers + 1 statuesque prostitute = men can't say no! They just can't! Ha ha!


@julia There is a woman that will have him?!


@julia Rich’s Bachelor Party: A stripper shows up at the door to his apartment. “Hi, I’m here for the bachelor party...where is everybody?” “My friends will be here later, but we can get started now if you don’t mind. First, will you make me a grilled peanut butter sandwich? With honey...and cut the crust off...and make a happy face with the honey before you put the lid on.” Then he spends the next hour and a half sobbing with his head in her lap, “She’s gonna hate me, when she sees what I’m really like. She’s gonna hate me”, as she strokes his hair, wiping the excess hair gel onto the couch cushion outside his view. Then he says, “OK, I’m gonna do you in the butt now.”

RK Fire

@parallel-lines: I was expecting to get dinged by my fellow Hairpinners because of this assumption.


@MrComment ahhhh perfect


Here's Rick Santos's actual take on bachelor parties: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/men/what-happens-at-bachelor-parties?click=rel

And also the sad, sad existence of Rich Santos.


@poprocks Oh man. Now I just feel bad for the guy. Sorry buddy! He reminds me of http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/.

Also, four questions in the last paragraph, zero comments in two and a half years.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

"Instead, everyone burst into cheers, as if I'd walked in with a Nobel Prize."

The history books don't tell you that after Steinbeck accepted his, he had to go to a free clinic.


I guess it's true. Men are the worst.


@boyofdestiny: You mean the BEST at being the worst! Booya!


@boyofdestiny Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.


@boyofdestiny - my bachelor party was crazy. hookers and dope and hamsters...hamsters giving handjobs... and pepsi.

yeah, no, actually we had a hootenanny at our apartment. my wife was at my bachelor party. my buddies and i sat on the porch and drank jameson. every one of them congratulated me on marrying such an awesome gal.


It always amazes me when men say it was their 'last chance' to touch another woman or whatever the night before the wedding. Weren't you in a committed relationship before you got married?? Wasn't your 'last chance' right before you decided to be monogamous with your partner? Or maybe Marie Claire just interviewed a time traveler from the Don Draper era.


@scully I know people who did shit like this and they are all now divorced. I think some women do similar shit but I really don't know how people get the energy. Between dealing with family and my job I wanted to shoot myself. People are just gross in general.


@scully That and they "just can't say no", they're "not wired that way", etc. Really? You're admitting that you're "wired" like a lobotomized baboon?

Dalas Verdugo@facebook

@scully Marie Claire = fan fic


@scully Oh my god, "lobotomized babboon." That is perfect. I give you all my upvotes.


Oh, hey boyfriend, hope you were prepared for a barrage of "casual" but deeply needy texts this afternoon!


@KatnotCat my gentleman caller is scheduled to attend a bachelor party next month, and I hope he realizes how many iphone pictures of the cat and me being wholesome holding the cat he's gonna get while he's sitting in god knows where with strippers flitting about.


@KatnotCat oh my gosh what a perfect description of my relationship. when i sent that text like "oh you wanna start going to the gym more to woo those girls at work" I really meant "REASSURE ME PLEASE"

Damn. I'm insecure and I suck. :P

Sydney C

Where do they find the guys to provide anecdotes? Do the writers happen to know a bunch of dudes who fucked prostitutes at their bachelor parties? Do they cold call? Do these guys write to Marie Claire, eager to tell the tale of their purchased infidelity? Seriously, I am confused.


@Sydney C They are all FORS ("Friends of Rich Santos")


@Sydney C They sound made up to me.


@Sydney C Didn't we recently have a link to the Cosmo factchecker story where the girl said she had to confirm "real guy" accounts with a bunch of Jersey Shore guidos? I'm too lazy to find the link.

no way

@SuperGogo I was off finding that link as you commented.

Dalas Verdugo@facebook

@Sydney C it's fake.


The discussion in the comment section helps to give some context and flesh out the social implications of the ritual discussed in this relatively thin, but exhaustively researched article.


@MrComment I wonder if that commenter means that bachelor parties are "in vogue" as in "trendy," or "in Vogue" as in "this is Vogue magazine, right? Oh wait, it's Marie Claire."


@theharpoon Also, University of Pune? We're supposed to believe that's a coincidence? Are you sure Marie Claire isn't a satire of women's magazines written by dudes?


@MrComment You made me laugh out loud. Also we are not sure at all. No, not sure at all.


@scully Because it kind of seems bros wrote it as a way to manage expectations. Gal: "So how was it...No, don't tell me. I don't want to know." Dude: "Oh, don't worry. It was nothing like all those articles or movies. I just got a hando, that's all."


What I learnt from this article:

- Marry a nice man and not a pig.

- Dont have bleeding statues at your wedding. Its just creepy.


@hendricks My parents got married in a catholic church full of bleeding statues and they cheated on each other all over the place and got divorced. This anedoctal evidence is enough to link these two things together as fact.


That's evidence enough for me!


Maybe it's the phrase "statues of bleeding people", but I thought for a second I was going to read about that one episode of South Park. This was even more disappointing than that would have been.
(On the upside, I think this shit is prime for similar satire.)

ALSO: I can't decide what's worse, desperately grasping for some fictional measure of manhood by humping a stripper, or saying that your friends pressured you into doing it.) Own it.


You should know your boyfriend's stripper etiquette before getting married. It's very close to observing how they treat animals except weirder and with alcohol and peer pressure. I've changed many an opinion on people after seeing things that can't be unseen.


@zidaane That is a very good point! My future husband (which I say similarly to Tommy Wisseu "future wife" voice from the room) occasionally tries to convince me that we should go to a strip club together and I've always been like "eh" since I figure it would be hot at first but then likely get weird. Now I have a reason, to observe his strip club habits so in prep for the bachelor party! He is very good with animals, tho, even when drunk.


@zidaane I agree completely. I go to strip clubs with my boyfriend on occasion, and did so with my guy friends before he and I met. It's not a big deal and not something either of us want to throw money at very often.

PLUS! Only weeks after we first met, he had a trip to Brazil. His local friends brought him to what he thought was a strip club. Turns out it was a brothel. He had one Brazilian lady of the night up all over his junk. Even offered it for free (???). He was too freaked out about potential diseases to even consider it an actual possibility.

@zidaane so he said.


I've only been to two bachelor parties, and they were nothing like those. One had like five people and the bride to be stopped by because we were bored, and in the other the groom had his fiancee pick him up and take him home early because like six people bought him Irish car bombs (been meaning to think of a less offensive name for those) without realizing that the previous people had bought him one.

Anyway, I think I prefer those experiences to watching some friend of mine get blown by two strippers in front of a hooting crowd.

raised amongst catalogs

@Probs Irish Juicebox?


@vanillawaif Officially the new name for all my on-the-go drankin'.


Maybe I'm a jerkass, but I can't even imagine myself being cool knowing that my soon to be husband is going to go to a stripclub to have a lady rub her labes all over his tumescence (if you will) in celebration of impending (assumingly monogamous) matrimony. Am I the only asshole who made it clear that they aren't down with their husband being in the same room with a naked woman that isn't me? Needless to say this article made me want to take a shower and punch the dicknoses from the article in the face.


@ChaCha This article launched me into a tirade about all that is wrong with bachelor parties, with my boyfriend holding up his hands yelling "I agree with you! I don't even like strip clubs! Don't be mad at me!" every 36 seconds. So, no, you are not an asshole or a jerkass, unless I am too. Which is possible, but let's just go with no.


@Smartypants Poor guy.


@Smartypants Oh, I know! I don't understand them (bachelor parties) at all. You'd would think it should be a celebration of getting hitched to someone you think is cool enough to fuck and live with forever, not some kind of "last hurrah" where you need to touch a stranger's tits while your friends nod eagerly nearby. It's creepy, and the whole idea that men *need* to have this kind of night of un-celebration where their friends tell them how they'll never touch a stranger's hootennanny ever again, waaahhhh, and then urge them to go to an establishment where they will get inebriated and grind against a stranger, all while the lady is supposed to be okay with it because boys will be boys. I honestly would have been livid if my husband told me his bachelor party plans were going to include going out with the bros to look at a stranger's glitter covered nips.


@sp8ce Well, since the conversation included both of us, and he also thought that our monogamous marriage had no space for him visiting strip clubs to look at naked women who aren't me, I can't agree. Plus, I'm fucking awesome.


@sp8ce and I see that you were talking to smartypants and not me. And you were probably joking. I'll go ahead and put my head up my ass, I am new to the site and haven't figured out the reply thing. I thought you were saying "poor guy" because I wasn't down with my dude going to the strip club. I am a dunce.


@ChaCha, no! Do not say such things! Nobody capable of sentences like "rub her labes all over his tumescence" should be so down on herself, that sort of poetry practically makes you a national treasure


@sp8ce He just knows how I get when I am on a roll. He's a very good guy, though, mostly for putting up with me. :)


@ChaCha Fully agree. Not to mention, your last "chance" to touch/fondle/grope/be grinded upon/have any kind of sex with another woman was BEFORE you agreed to be my boyfriend. I really hate bachelor parties because it seems like for some people, it's a big fat justification for completely unacceptable behavior.


@ChaCha I don't really care about strip clubs, mostly because so many guys I know also don't like them and find them gross and not at all sexy (and these are not guys who are saying this to me just to say it).


@theinvisiblecunt Aw, thanks. I owe that sentence to my recent appreciation of romance novels, and my lewd mother.


@ChaCha I've had some "Am I a prude?" angst on this front. Then I thought about how my bf would feel about ME getting naked and rubbing myself on some dude. I don't feel unreasonable anymore.

Lily Rowan

@lizaboots Um, don't you mean how your bf would feel about some naked dude rubbing up on you? Equivalence!


I have to say, having been to a few bachelor parties lately...I dunno, it's weird. The truth, as I've experienced it, has been that everyone goes out and acts like they're going to cheat on whoever they're monogamous with. But then, we start chatting up ladies in the Borgata or wherever (the Borgata, that's usually it) and then right as we get pretty close to people getting laid, the shacked up dudes "accidentally" fuck it all up or "suddenly" are too drunk, and nobody ends up hooking up with strangers.

Which is great for my lady-friends who are the partners of my male-friends, because it means all my male friends really want to do is flirt a little once in a while and be reminded that they COULD get laid if they wanted to but actually they won't even kiss other chicks. But it kind of sucks a lot for me, cuz I'm a single dude who my dude-friends are fucking bringing down with me when they just sabotage the party in effort to avoid cheating while still pretending like they totally might.

Men are simple, and we do things to trick ourselves many, many more times a day than we even consider trying to trick you.


@leon.saintjean Thank you. I might make that last sentence into my mantra.


@leon.saintjean heh. That reminds me of that episode of Curb your Enthusiasm where Larry reminds Cheryl that they had a "pact" wherein after 10 years of marriage, he was allowed to cheat on her once. So she laughs in his face and is like "sure! go ahead!" And of course, hilarity ensues while he miserably fails at picking up women.


"While not all bachelor parties include sex, the combination of booze, male bravado, and strippers is a heady mix that moves some men to do things they'd never do otherwise."

Wait, not all bachelor parties have strippers. Or male bravado.


Thank God the last bachelor party my bf went to only involved drinking heavily and shooting lots of semi-automatic weapons.

But seriously, this article makes me ill.

sorry your heinous

I didn't read the article (and am not going to), but the last three (and only) bachelor parties I've been too all involved lots of drinking, eating, poker and golf. No strippers or prostitutes.


@sorry your heinous I read it out of morbid curiosity and then threw up in my mouth a little after each quote.


@sorry your heinous The last one my boyfriend went to involved a lot of steak. Unless steak is code for stripper vagine (which it could be), but I picked him up from the restaurant!


@sorry your heinous But then who did you cheat on your girlfriend with?


"Honey, I'm sorry, but this wedding was so expensive that I had to sleep with your old roommate. Because of the money I spent. Here, this brochure explains everything."


Aw, poor Marie Claire. These are challenging times for print media, and how else can they ensure that you feel nervous and inadequate enough to buy 300 pages of sex tips, tear-out exercise sheets, and makeup ads?


Yeah, it's not a waste of time to find out if somebody you are about to get married to is a creep who does transgressive creepy things with a group of creepy people in a creep culture, and considers it normal or obligatory. There are various options.


My wife-to-be and her friends came to my bachelor party, but only because they are strippers.


So apparently there is something worse than the fact that you have to get all dolled up (his ex-girlfriend wil be there!) for yet another of your boyfriend's friends' weddings. Now while you politely decline to scramble for a bouquet and wonder if everyone can tell you never wear heels you also have to try to guess whether or not some stripper gave your boyfriend an hj, because you know, men have needs. Yuck.


The one time I had a boyfriend who got invited to a bachelor party at a strip club, I was like, 'Eh, sure, go along'. HE HATED IT. He spent the whole night texting me and his female best friend (another story) about how gross it was and analysing the homosocial context of watching his friend have a woman grind on him.

So! Get a boyfriend who recognises the grottiness and absolute lack of morals about it all? (Because yes, if you agreed to be with me, then THAT was your last chance to be single.)

Also, where I live, the trend is now to just have a party with all your friends. My brother and sister in law didn't have hen's or buck's nights... everyone they knew just went to the pub the night before the wedding to hang out. It's way more fun. Poker night probably way more fun too.


@sevanetta This is what we did, too. We all hung out together at a local place that has pool tables and air hockey and beer. Much nicer and more fun for everyone involved. I also never understood the getting-shitfaced-the-night-before-your-wedding thing. So you're going to feel TERRIBLE during one of the most memorable days of your life? I can't imagine having to deal w/ wedding stress while hungover. Ugh.


@Momster Aww this reminds me... the night before my wedding, we had the rehersal/rehersal dinner, then my fiance drove me home to my parents house, and I went to sleep the last night as a single gal in my childhood bedroom... it felt pretty symbolic/full circle. Fun times.


@sevanetta In planning my wedding, I am realizing how surprisingly traditional I am! I am for some reason very attached to the whole separate bachelor/bachelorette party thing. I used to think I was subversive but all I want is to hang out with girls, drink, and wear a penis veil("what if the bachelorette party theme is sluts?")I'm even disappointed that my FH isn't going to a strip club! I've spent so much of my life acting all "tradition is for suckers" that I first came around to be like "I'm going to ironically do these traditional things, tongue in cheek" and now it's like "I'm just doing them sincerely now, what happened!?"

a horde of great crab things

My favourite ever stag/ bachelor night story was a friend of mine who spent the day with his best buddies at the Bakelite museum in Taunton. Then they had a vegetarian curry before going home to watch Flight of the Conchords. Indie stag nights are the best stag nights.


@discodamage I know a guy who said that all of he and his friend's bachelor parties involve only the playing of D&D.


I just sent my boyfriend this article with a sad face, and he said he has actually been to one bachelor party with a prostitute. Only one guy slept with her (not the groom), and he said several guys left the hotel suite because it felt creepy to have one naked woman alone in a room with ten men.


@Lola haha, i also sent this to my boyfriend with a sad face - and he said "yeah, these guys are all either assholes or liars... i've never seen this"


I had to tell my husband approximately 1000 times that if his bachelor party involved strippers, there would be no wedding. It didn't sink in until time #999, so ladies, if you feel strongly, um... be persistent. Also, send your brother who is a terrible liar along with the crowd!

The bachelor party DID involve an unpaid and extremely shady amateur clown, found on Craigslist, who got blackout drunk and thrown into stadium jail at a Bulls game. Hubby's friends consistently refer to the story of Jizzbo and the Best Bachelor Party Ever, so I think even without the dancing sluts it was a success.

(let's see if this link works for a picture... http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_yUmr2IIAixY/S7IK842n-oI/AAAAAAAACvM/1AXwLqoS-8k/s1600/Clown+Smirnoff.JPG)


If that's a snapshot taken during a drunken bachelor party, it's a really, really good one.


I hope you got that greasepaint off his face in time for the ceremony.


I'd be pissed...only because I like strippers and prostitutes more than my partner does.

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