Exhausting Women, Sexual Latecomers, and "Peck Peck Peck, Dart Out"
I’m a 23-year-old woman fresh out of college and living in a large city. Admittedly, I’ve never been the girliest of girls. I’d rather watch sports than a rom-com. My favorite movie is The Big Lebowski. I genuinely enjoy beer, gin, and whiskey. And I don’t need eight separate people to approve my outfit before I leave the house.
Don’t get me wrong, I have some very close female friends, but for the most part I find women exhausting. This is particularly true when it comes to going out. As such, I often find myself opting to hang with my male friends on the weekends. And I mean “friends” in the strictly platonic sense. Unless they’re all secretly harboring feelings for me I don’t know about, not one of them has in any way indicated that he sees me as more than a friend, and I the same. They’re all my bros, and I want to keep it that way.
Here’s the problem: I’ve simply accepted that no other man in his right mind would dare try to strike up conversation with me when I’m out with my guy friends, as they likely assume I’m dating one of them. I don’t want to sound vain, but I’m a tall, leggy, blond woman who puts effort into her appearance. I don’t obsess over it, but I like to look nice and feel sexy, like any other woman, gin-drinking or otherwise. It’s not that I want to be hit on all the time, but I just got out of this complicated … er … prolonged tryst? … with a guy I fell head over heels for who couldn’t reciprocate my feelings. He shattered my heart. I want to move on, and I want to meet new men and have fun. But I can’t help but feel that I’ve accidentally fortified myself behind this seemingly impenetrable penis fence, thus scaring potential new guys away.
I suppose what I’m trying to get at is this: Is there any way for me to hang out with my male friends but still make myself available to other guys?
Are you one of these babes? No? Well, nonetheless, you aren't that unique. You sound like a boring online dating profile; get over yourself.
There's a deeper reason why you're hanging around all dudes, and it's not because you want to drink gin. My guess is you subconsciously enjoy the attention. Believe it or not, there are other cool, non-exhausting women out there. You're 23, there's still time to meet new friends. Oh and at least one of the guys definitely is interested in you. Just trust me on this.
Your situation is simple. As you said, hanging out primarily with dudes is an epic cockblock. The effort you put into looking sexy is like raising a spinnaker upwind — pointless. So if you choose to enjoy the company of platonic dude friends who are secretly in love with you, you have two options:
1. Approach guys. We aren't used to this, and when it happens it's fucking awesome. We love it. Just think of yourself as a gay dude in a sexy lady's body.
2. Invite your ladyfriends out to join the 100%-not-wanting-to-bang-you guys. I'm certain the dudes will approve. Spread the dicks out a little bit; create some lady space. Keep in mind the attention from the dude friends will shift away from you.
A guy I had a casual, friends-with-benefits relationship with seems pretty over the whole "benefits" part of our relationship. Without outright saying it, he's recently managed to get himself out of any sex but is still really active in texting/chatting/being in regular touch with me. I've asked him what's up, he acted guilty and pretended like he's been really busy. I'm not delusional, but the problem is, how do I maintain this friendship when I'm the only one left wanting sex? I don't want him to be out of my life, but every time he reaches out to me and ignores the fact we ever fucked, it drives me insane. I feel like this would be easier if he were just out of my life altogether, but I don't want to KICK him out of it… he's still a dear friend and it's not like this was a messy or damaging break-up.
FWB never works. Want proof? Check out these plot summaries:
- Emma proposes that they have casual sex with each other, setting some ground rules for each other to prevent their relationship from becoming too serious. At first things go well, but then Adam starts becoming jealous of the possibility of Emma being with another doctor, Sam.
- The story centers around two professionals who meet but are too busy to find a mate. They agree to have an intimate relationship with no strings attached. Things get complicated when the guy falls for the girl, who’s dating someone else.
- So what DOES happen when two close friends decide to secretly blur the lines dividing friendship and relationship…and the rest of their tight knit group of friends finds out? The answer: complications arise. A LOT of complications.
I'll dock him a few points for not addressing the issue when you specifically confronted him. But you sound accusatory by calling him "guilty." Remember, the whole point of this exercise was to avoid blame, emotions, attachment, n, n+1. The fact that he wants to return to a utopian pre-FWB world should be allowed unless he meant to hurt you (he didn't). He doesn't want to talk about it because it will only hurt you more. As I say to lady #4, there’s no “good” way to deliver a bad message.
You need to accept and confront your feelings for him. If this is driving you insane, some time apart may help. He'll understand. This friendship is not healthy for you at the moment. Hopefully time will mend the wounds; it worked for Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi.
I am a freshly de-flowered young lady in her 20s — perhaps a little bit of a latecomer to the sexual scene, but nothing too serious. I have been seeing a wonderful guy who has been patient and good-natured about my lack of prior experience in the bedroom for a while now.
He certainly isn’t lacking in the experience department, and has a seemingly endless method of tricks up his sleeve to make sure that I’m always, well, satisfied. I, on the other hand, just can’t seem to reciprocate. Sure, he always cums when we’re doing the P-in-V thing, but if I start to give him a handjob (blow jobs aren’t really up my alley — giving or receiving; but at this point I’m desperate enough I guess I’d be willing to give it a shot) it usually ends with him saying “let’s just focus on you,” which I interpret to mean that I’m doing something horribly wrong, but he’s just too polite to tell me.
Dude, what tips have you got for me? What can I do? How do I do it? I need details, please!
It sounds like you two have a good thing going on; congratulations! Here are some suggestions:
1. I believe that the inner freak should be summoned naturally. And once you find it, you will both be pleased. Focusing too hard on specific moves is too mechanical and can feel forced. So here's a simple trick — listen to FILTHY rap music in bed. Stuff that would make Lil’ Kim blush. I remember being limited to standard sex with an ex, until this came on my winamp. Soon we were incorporating all sorts of exotic fruits and animals into our sex lives.
2. Trial and error. Nibble the ear. Cross-dress. Lollipop in the ass.
3. Blowjobs. I'm going to assume you don't enjoy getting or receiving oral because it isn't familiar to you yet. And I'm going to stay away from the feminist politics of blowjobs. Oral sex can be amazing, especially when reciprocal. Think of this as a relationship-enhancing exercise. A sailing analogy seems appropriate here — one time in a race our crew had never reefed the main on this particular boat. Some hadn't reefed at all. So the skipper decided to spice things up by having us reef in really strong winds! Learning together and putting it into practice was a great team-building experience.
4. No more handjobs. Ever.
Help me out here! I very recently started a pretty successful flirtation with a friend of a friend. He is nice, smart, funny, and really into me so I would like for this problem to not be a total dealbreaker but if I can't fix it then it kind of is. This weekend, after a very successful round of flirtatious texts and emails, I attended a party at his house. The party was fun and things went well and consequently we ended the night by making out in his backyard. And then…disaster. Dude, the kissing. It was terrible. Not just bad, terrible. The best way I can think to describe it is what it must be like to be pecked in face by a beakless chicken. Like, he was pecking at my face. He would dart in really fast and peck peck peck and then pull back really quickly. Then he would kind of dart in and stick his tongue in my mouth the pull back really quickly. Dart in peck peck peck, dart out. Dart in, tongue, dart out. Sometimes he would pull back really quickly and just kind of stare at me before peck peck pecking again.
I tried to physically insinuate a better way of doing things. Tried to kiss him really slowly or keep my lips on his for longer. At one point I even went so far as to put my hand on the back of his neck to just keep him from darting in a out like that. It didn't work, he just resisted all physical guidance and kept peck/dart/tongue/dart/pecking away. So I guess my question is … I have to actually say something about it, right? And seeing as how we don't know each other all that well yet, is there a way to bring it up that would be minimally awkward/embarrassing for him? I mean, we're both crowding 30. After a certain age you don't really expect to encounter anyone who is this bad at kissing. And after a certain age it must suck extra bad to be told that you're bad at kissing. So, how can I make this potential conversation suck less?
One time I hooked up with a girl where it was sloppy and really bad. We each communicated to mutual friends the other was a bad kisser. It sucked hearing that. It sucked hard. Ultimately, we were both so anxious for a do-over that we had a much better experience second/third/fourth time around. She's now a lesbian, but frankly I don't see what that has to do with anything. The point is: There's no good way to convey an inherently bad message. The guy isn't going to be thinking about the tone of voice or if you saved money on car insurance or other bullshit surrounding the conversation. We can all tell when someone is dancing around bad news. So you say, "I don't know how to say this so I'm just gonna go out and say it: I like you but your kissing needs work. You need to blah blah blah like this … [start kissing]." Any self-respecting dude will want to defend his honor and redeem himself. If it's still bad, well, that sucks.
Previously: Love Triangles, Toy Reliance, and Beautiful Nudes.
A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?
Photo via Flickr
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Oh my lord. I haven't even read the rest of the column, but the first letter has me thinking "shut up shut up shut up shut up shutupshutupshutupshutup" on a nonstop loop. Sheesh.
@Riff Randell It has all of the best things: a woman who hates other women, only has men as friends, and describes herself as a "leggy blonde."
@thebestjasmine but she likes gin and the Big Lebowski! WHOOP DE FUCKING DOO, so do a lot of people. That won't keep her out of the special girl-who-hates-girls hell.
@Riff Randell I had the same reaction (and posted a redundant comment below before the page refreshed). The self-loathing internalized sexism hurts my brain! And I had the Flight of the Conchords "Leggy Blonde" song stuck in my head as soon as I came across that phrase in her letter…
@Riff Randell hahaha, the letter writer's opinion on women had really very little bearing on the reason she was writing – she could have said "i happen to be friends with mostly guys right now, how can i approach picking up dudes?" instead of "god these WOMEN, ugh SO HIGH MAINTENANCE, amirite?"
@thebestjasmine haha, and it wasn't too TOO bad, but then the "attractive leggy blonde" thing had me rolling eyes SO HARD, i think i pulled a muscle.
@Riff Randell YES YES YES. I stopped reading after the first letter because I needed to rush to the comment section to say two things:
1) If you "don't get along with girls," the problem is you, not them.
2) If you think you are "weird" or "unique," you are actually more typical and banal than the majority of people. I mean, come on, the Big Lebowski? THAT'S your proof? The number one cult movie of college kids everywhere?? Ugh.
@teenie I mean, I agree with you for the most part. But the fact that she added all that stuff about how awesome and Not Like All The Other Girls Look I Drink Whiskey I Am Special adds another element to the "approach picking up dudes" question. Namely, I feel like she's saying she's so awesome that she deserves all the dudes' attention because other girls just suck so hard, and the only reason she can't get picked up is OBVIOUSLY because she has so many dude friends. It's like the ultimate humblebrag.
@Riff Randell SERIOUSLY. She is literally the worst person. If she's real.
@Riff Randell yeah, i guess it's like saying a misogynist wasn't too bad, if you exclude him talking about "bitches" all the time – there's still the underlying WTFness that kind of directs the personality.
@Tragically Ludicrous
If this nasty little piece is a real person, someone needs to slap some sense into her posthaste. How many stupid Jenny McCarthys, convinced of their Honorary Dudedom, does the world really need?
@Riff Randell I know, right? I started skimming and I was like, damn, for not watching romcoms you sure seem to know all the right tedious cliches.
@Riff Randell
I feel kinda sorry for this girl cos of all the abuse she's getting.
But.. she does kind of flaunt how 'awesome' she thinks she is.
I love gin, and hell, I might even enjoy that film (if I ever saw it). I don't have many female friends (but I have enough, thanks!), am somewhere between brunette and redhead, and have short legs… all this is entirely inconsequential. Shut up, blondie!
I don't know what else to say.
@City_Dater I think A Dude slapped as much digital sense into her as could with the "You sound like a boring online dating profile; get over yourself.".
Straight-talkin', middle-aged, sunglasses-wearin', Asian dude FTW!
@sheepfriend Well, someone has to tell her she's awful. If she catches it now, there's a slim chance it can be fixed.
@Tragically Ludicrous exactly! I'm leaning toward this letter being a massive troll stroll on the whole hairpin comentariat.
Orrr she's just an asshole and that's why she's not meeting anyone.
@insouciantlover Is she living in a Sex and the City episode where gin and whiskey and beer are FOR GUYS ONLY and the girls only drink expensive fruity cocktails? Gin is my favorite, same for at least two of my closer ladyfriends (and my boyfriend wouldn't walk across the street for it). Of my friends who are REALLY INTO BEER, the (vast) majority are women. And we're all 23/24/25! My guess is she had these stereotypes in mind already (women are so high-maintenance, and so drinking of fruity drinks!) that she never really got to know any ladies?
@Riff Randell An actual person had to type out this letter right? And felt comfortable with putting both "Admittedly, I’ve never been the girliest of girls" and "I don’t want to sound vain, but I’m a tall, leggy, blond woman who puts effort into her appearance. I don’t obsess over it, but I like to look nice and feel sexy, like any other woman" before hitting send? I don't understand!
Also, is gin a dude drink?
@Riff Randell: "I don't need 8 people to approve my dress" then "I put effort into my appearance". Muh? You're a little arrogant because you think you're above being girly, or you're girly? Arglebargle.
@Tragically Ludicrous AGREED. I have also decided, based on this line of commenting alone, that I should be friends with all of you immediately.
@Tragically Ludicrous Oh, she's real alright. I used to know someone just like her. She would go on about how other women were threatened by her b/c she was tall & blonde,and would never find out how truly awesome she was. She would also call my friend's (now ex) husband at 3 am just to "talk".
@Tragically Ludicrous
Genuine lol.
@heb my mom always drank G&T's, as do i, so i never really thought of gin as a dudes drink? whatever.
@Riff Randell If she knows about the Hairpin (and you would assume she does, since she is WRITING A LETTER TO A DUDE), then how can she be unaware that there are just tons of fantastic, awesome ladies who like a good bourbon now and then (read: all the time)?
@MollyculeTheory Hm very excellent point. This seems like it should have been a letter to AskMen.com or something. I'm going with trolling and/or amazing comment generator.
@heb My mom doesn't like it, and my mom pretty much only drinks dude drinks, so I don't think so at all.
@Too Much Internet Ah, take it a little easy on the poor girl. She's just bought into the jerkcircus. Culture tells us to believe these things about women (like they're all alike) and we believe unless we go out and, like, meet them and stuff.
Welcome, question-asker, to the matrix. There is no spoon, and gender is a construct.
@beerd I'm not really gonna take it easy on her, though. 23 is old enough to realize that all ladies – not just you – are actual human beings. Which is the root of the problem here, I think.
@Riff Randell That is, of course, assuming she's real and not just some troll.
@Riff Randell Eh, fair enough. That was all the energy I have for the internet's problems today. Everyone enjoy your Friday.
@beerd: That is wise, beerd. I recant my meanness.
@Riff Randell My favorite part is that her questions is basically "How do I get dudes to hit on me?" but she feels the need to tell us that women are exhausting and she's the perfect non woman like woman and also really hot first.
@everyone i think everyone should cut the poor girl some slack. even if she's 23, she's freshly graduated from college & probably hasn't had the chance to meet other post-college females who have had the time and chance to mellow out and age for the better like fine wine or whiskey. and to the Lady: it's probably kind of an awkward time right about now suspended between the highs of college and the lows of the "real world", but your social circles will most likely change and i hope you realize soon that not all other ladies in the world are what you think them to be.
@Riff Randell
OK… Hairpin commenters ARE the best commenters on the Internet bar fucking none, BUT…
but, but, but… y'all's coming down *waaay harsh* on impenetrable penis fence lady.
Dig, she sounds a lil twat-ey/dick-ish (or maybe I just think that about anyone who would claim the Big Lebowsky as their favorite movie, but then, I'm kind of a dick that way myself).
But I think the girl was just trying to be clever (fail) with the whole obsess-over-outfits thing [and, if she lives in a big city, surely some of the dudes she's hanging out with do a little obsessing over their look themselves...? fuck, dressing up is half the fun!]
And, I think a genuine case can be made for gravitating away from Ladies AND/OR Dudes (for different reasons — personally I spend all my time with my sock puppet who's got a sparkling personality and rarely disagrees with me and who yeah I think DOES have a secret crush on me)… I know guys who prefer to hang around ladies 'cause they just like the vibe better, and yes, maybe you also get a little special status when you're an honorary part of the opposite gender… and mebbe there's issues surrounding that, too yada yada self-analysis ad-infinitum.
But while I applaud the commenteratti coming down on her like a shit ton of bricks in the rush to defend female friendships (they're the best!)
I also wanna say… maybe she's not so bad? Maybe she isn't a horrible chick?
And maybe if she does have some trepidation about female bonding, y'all just skerred the livin' crap out of her?
FUTURE QUESTIONERS of The Hairpin BE WARNED…
do not suggest that ladies in any way are not a top choice for friendship.
Cause, y'know. You're pretty much just asking for it there. Not cool, leggy lady, not cool. But I still give you points for using "penis fence" in an advice column.
But minus points for dissin' your fellow ladies, the Big Lebowski and using the word leggy to describe yourself, unless you're going to add that you rock some crazy ass wolford thigh high stockings on a daily basis, in which case you get a pass.
@randummy THANK YOU. I'm so glad you commented. I was starting to worry that I really was the only person who thought she's getting a raw deal.
Also, seriously? The only reason girls are friends with guys over other ladies is that we like the attention? SECRETLY. Can you not know that smacks of, "all she needs is a good dickin'!"
To be fair, by her own admission, the Lady needs a good dickin' (unless I misunderstand the meaning of meet new men and have fun?)
That sentiment might have been directed at *this Lady* specifically (not all ladies who like to hang with dudes), because this lady really does send out a bit of an attention seeking/insecure/needs validation vibe… while simultaneously trying to sound like she's above that. I agree with Riff,
"She doesn't see herself as the problem, she sees other people as the problem (the ladies aren't as cool as she is and the guys won't hit on her)"
but y'wanna give some one a bit 'o guidance rather than pushin' 'em over the brink outta disgust for their bs. The lady's had heartbreak, other dudes aren't approaching her… she doesn't seem too approachable just based on her letter to the Hairpin, where she's sending out this "I'm the shit and you might not be" vibe and probably has absolutely no idea she's doing it and thinks she's a super-cool down to earth woman.
The lady needs help.
Yeh, mebbe some tough love in the form of a quick-slam reality check.
But, lost lady…… I'm bringin' the looooooooooooove. That boy broke your heart and you can't even go out with your lady (or dude) friends to go find a new one! Getting some (deserved) hate from the Hairpin. Dudes not interested in you EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE A HOT LEGGY BLOND ouch! That's gotta hurt. Something must be wrong with you (not everyone else).
But that's all right! NO ONE is perfect. Say a lil apology to the ladies of the Hairpin whom you've offended (even if you find people exhausting, it's not too polite to say so to their faces unless you're having some kind of deep intimate conversation between good friends/lovers).
Put yourself out there, and check it, you're attitude's a little shitty, you don't have to try so hard to be the bomb, and you'll probably end up being so cause then you really will be a supercool chick, gin-drinking or otherwise.
(Gin is a total chick drink, is it not? Whiskey, maybe a more dude-thing, but beer…? Gender-neutral?)
WOMEN & GIN
Reformers sought to problematize the behavior of women who had taken to gin drinking as a way to push forward an agenda that upheld a status quo in which women had a given role and place: a role that included chastity and subordination, and a place that was in the home and not gin-shops. In the process of the regulation of gin possibilities opened for the indirect regulation of other behaviors that linked drug use with moral choice. In the case of the gin craze, these behaviors center on women with respect to sexuality, gender role, motherhood, and economic activity. Upholding the patriarchal order accounts for, in part, the disproportionate conviction of women under the Gin Acts and why the Gin Acts operated to restrict women’s access to gin. Moreover, the emphasis placed in the popular press on the evils of female gin consumption provided added momentum for reformers.
Eighteenth century London was home to the gin craze, a chapter in English history that marked the unprecedented mass consumption of this newly developed spirit. This paper traces the development of this complex urban phenomenon and examines how Parliamentarians came to attribute many of the social ills of the day, including criminal activity, to gin drinking. It is seen that the passage of the Gin Acts were counterproductive and in themselves a source of crime. It is explored how, through these Acts, Parliament sought to exert control over the drinking habits of the masses and by extension, over the general behavior the wider public. In a similar vein, legislators used the regulation of gin consumption as a means to uphold a patriarchal social order by seeking to delineate acceptable sexuality, morality and motherhood and by limiting the economic opportunities accessible to London women. Negative female imagery is explored as a source of inspiration and tool of reformers who sought to restrict gin and female gin consumption in particular.
Prior to the eighteenth century, alcohol consumption in England was for the most part restricted to ale, beer and wine.1 The period referred to as the gin craze marked a significant departure from these drinking habits: between 1720 and 1751, the per capita consumption of cheap distilled spirits almost tripled.2 Significantly, the gin craze was an urban phenomenon mainly confined to the working class poor of the capital. As such, London is the focus of this examination
@Cat Rocketship@twitter No, the only reason girls are friends with guys isn't because they like the attention. But from everything said in this letter, the reason that THIS girl is friends with guys over other ladies (who are exhausting, and apparently all need approval of 8 other people in order to leave the house, and also don't like gin or sports) is because she wants the attention and needs a good dickin' I have lots of guy friends, and there was a period in my life when I hung out with more guys than girls, but I didn't feel the need to slam all other women while doing so.
@teenie : "Dear Ask A Queer Chick; I just drank a gin & tonic, and really liked it. However, I've never considered myself to be far superior in awesomeness to other women. Am I a lesbian?"
@gimlet, I thought Gin was an "old lady" drink. My greatgrandmother used to love her gin.
For the FWB: he has a new girlfriend. You need to approach this like any other breakup: cut him out of your life for a while, then you can ease back into being friends, because otherwise there will be a messy breakup.
@thebestjasmine Seconded.
And also, make sure you're okay with things when you DO get back in touch. There's a chance that he reallyreally values your friendship, which, yay! Be friends with him (eventually). BUT there is also a chance that he's trying to keep you on his back burner in case this other girl doesn't work out. Sooo if you end up friends again and all of a sudden he wants to go back to sleeping with you without any other explanation, it might be worth thinking hard about how you really feel about the whole situation.
@thebestjasmine Totally. I swung over here to say the same thing. He has a new girlfriend, and doesn't know how to say it. This is in fact, a breakup.
@thebestjasmine This was the first thing that popped into my mind too. Unless the FW/OB is ok being around the new girl she needs to absent herself gracefully.
"Just think of yourself as a gay dude in a sexy lady's body."
Uh-uh. Please don't. Every time I hear a woman say, "I'm a gay man in a woman's body!" I want to knee her in her imaginary balls.
How about just be a confident lady in a sexy lady's body?
@applestoapples But how else can I explain my presence at the Eurovision party?
@Tragically Ludicrous You say you're an Ibizan cokehead trapped in an American's body.
@applestoapples Can I use that? It sounds fantastic, and perfectly personifies my inner Eurotrashy self.
@applestoapples Or a Moldovan gnome, but yours sounds better.
@applestoapples I can do that. I'm already doing that!
@MollyculeTheory "Ibizan cokehead" and "Moldovan gnome" can be interchangable and 99% effective if you're trying to justify your life choices.
"Why are you going to see 'Yanni on Ice?'"
"I'm an Ibizan cokehead/Moldovan gnome trapped in an American's body. Plus it's a one-night only engagement."
"Oh, makes sense."
@Mollycule Theory: I cannot wait until someone takes Moldovan Gnome as a screen name.
This Dude wins for the Boogie Nights reference.
Just think of yourself as a gay dude in a sexy lady's body.
Sorry @applestoapples but I wish I'd said that.
I've had guys approach me when I'm out with groups of guys. Hell, I've had guys approach me when I'm out with THE guy himself. I'm neither tall nor blond nor leggy. Maybe you should dress skankier? I dress pretty slutty. Oooh, or walk to the bathroom more. They always get you on the way to the bathroom, when you're the (tall, leggy) gazelle that has wandered off from the herd.
So pee lots and show your boobs. Oh, and also, shut the fuck up.
@KatnotCat i like your advice. can i start submitting questions to you and have you answer them?
@KatnotCat oh my god, will you be my mommy? I love you.
@honeybadger
I would love to, but I can't promise "also, shut the fuck up" won't be my official sign off.
@KatnotCat
First real laugh of my day — THANK YOU !
@KatnotCat – yes, hello. i am a tall, handsome man who has a problem. i just don't fit in with other guys. i prefer the company of women. i don't really like sports or killing animals with my teeth and find myself wishing i could knit more and be in some local light opera. i go out with the girls and have sooooo much fun! but i think i'm sending a message out to women beyond my social circle…i just- for the life of me- can't figure out what it is.
@brad "or killing animals with my teeth"
<3
the peck peck kiss…out of all bad kisses, this has to be the worst. my deepest sympathies, girl. tell him, if you think he's worth the awkward conversation. otherwise, run like hell!
@heyits Yeah, that's bad.. and kinda creepy with the staring before coming back in to jab your face. However.. the slobbery kisser, with really loose lips? You know how people will have a baby "kiss Grandma!" but the baby just mushes a drooly face against Grandma's cheek? Like that. Only an adult man.
Gives me the heebies just thinking about it..
@heyits the peck peck withdraw stare – I've had a guy do this. Do not do this!!! Quit it!!!!
@heyits
The Cavern Kiss is pretty bad, too. It's OK to touch mouths and tongues while kissing!
@heyits Just the description made me cringe. Like she was kissing an untrainable bird or something.
@lids i just shuddered reading that description and remembering a particularly unpleasant, moist, limp-lipped kiss I received once.
@heyits I recently went on a few dates with a Bad Kisser. I thought I could train him or that it would get better as we got more comfortable with each other. NEVER HAPPENED. Bruising of the lip is a sign. A sign that eating alone and masturbating kicks the shit out of some alternatives.
Haha oh my god thank you for telling the first girl to get over herself.
Lady No. 1: The reason other women seem exhausting is because they aren't trying super hard to hypnotize your toonces. When you're hot and have a big group of bro-friends, they are constantly thinking about knocking boots with you, guaranteed. Maybe not thinking about dating you in a romantic sense, but certainly some humpery is on their collective man-mind. And that makes guys put in an awful lot of effort to be your friend — they will be extra fun and charming and really make this huge effort to be around you just in case maybe you kinda feel like getting drunk and letting loose and oh-what-the-hell-why-not-lets-just-stuff-that-right-in. Girlfriends are harder because the work to be their friend is reciprocal. So FYI — yes, your guy friends want to see your ham spatula; and women are not exhausting, you're just being lazy and want all your bro friends to do all the work of being entertaining and friendsy and making you feel special.
@christonacracker
ham spatula???
wow, that's some next level shit there. can i marry words?
@christonacracker huh. this actually makes a lot of sense! And yes, "ham spatula" is just … beyond amazing.
@christonacracker ham spatula ftw
@christonacracker You speak truth, and eloquently. You should get a free VIP pass into "Ask A…" authordom.
And I prefer "bologna wallet" to "ham spatula", but both are loads of awesome.
@christonacracker This is good, smart reasoned advice and I applaud your patience.
@christonacracker I propose using this formula to create a variety of euphemisms for lady parts. meat + kitchen item.
like… your beef mandoline. or your turkey crockpot.
Can this please be a thing? Maybe? No? No. Ok.
[quietly leaves]
@SBGBlogs
sausage cozy?
beef baster?
@SBGBlogs turkey crockpot is killing me. KILLING ME.
@christonacracker Veal egg slicer?
@SBGBlogs Chuck chopper? Capon cracker? Giblet juicer?
Hmmm, these are like the vagina dentata versions of your formula…
@SBGBlogs Your Skate Wing George Foreman Grill.
…Some work better than others.
@SBGBlogs Beef mandoline! My new favorite.
@SBGBlogs salami church key?
@no way YOU GUYS!! I'm gonna get in trouble for braying laughter like a deranged donkey at work! Holy crap, it's hard to look productive with both hands clapped over my mouth & tears squirting out of my eyes.
@SBGBlogs bacon toaster?
@jenergy This is why I waited to come home first. I mean, I reallyreally wanted to read at work, but now I am able to let loose and laugh so fucking hard at this comments section. thank you all.
@honeybadger BACON TOASTER!!!!
you deserve an award- perhaps… a turducken trophy? a meat slice medallion?
i'm sorry, i'm not very good at this- i'm still new to the internet.
@christonacracker Sweetbread Juicer.
Come on!
@alpelican Giblet mellon-baller?
Too much?
@lids Shank Zester?
@alpelican : Kielbasa Smoker.
But, the first kitchen item that came to mind? Slap Chop.
@alpelican Weiner Mincer.
Too soon?
Wow… A Dude with actual balls. I'm so fucking proud of you Hairpin. Have a drink and celebrate your success.
Glad other people already mentioned it, but yeah first letter writer — go fuck yourself. There's a reason you don't have a lot of good female friends, and it's because you're pretty transparent about thinking that most/all women are the same (and suck) and you're just some kind of special snowflake. The women who are not like the stereotypes you're describing (which, as A Dude said, you're not unique — there are plenty) see through your woman-hating bullshit and don't want anything to do with you.
Get over yourself. Seriously.
I didn't think it was that bad? I think it was kind her disclaimer so A Dude wouldn't be all "well maybe you're just ugly"? Didn't really like his answer/thought it was mean, the reset weren't that helpful…
@Rosemary but would you be friends with her?
@Rosemary Oh haaaaaaaaayyyy letter writer!
@allyzay LOL okay I might not be friends with her, but that's cause, you know WOMENZ, and DRAMA, and all that business which I'm above and stuff
excellent dude response to LW 1. also, unless you live in a big city, people may not approach you in the bar all the time. maybe you should be trying to meet friends of your circle of dudes that are outside the circle. if you want to get hit on at a bar, go to the bar alone and sit your leggy blonde ass on a stool where everyone can see you. alone.
also, to inexperienced: watch some woman-friendly porn. observing is learning and that's something you can do on your own time and see what things you could do to your boyfriend that excite YOU. you'll be way better at whatever those things are than a reluctant blowjob. enthusiasm is the best "skill" in bed.
@rollerderbydame Yeah, circle of dudes should be introducing her to dudes from overlapping circles of dudes, unless they are a super insular group or they have an interest in her not meeting others, or she's not coming across as approachable or interesting to the random friends that always end up crossing through groups. Seems weird that she would know all these men, but be unable to meet more men, since men tend to know men.
@rollerderbydame Rollerderby ftw!!
Also excellent point about enthusiasm.
@rollerderbydame HOLLLLERRRR at porn and enthusiasm. It is my Universal BJ advice, but really couldn't it be applied to everything in life?
@rollerderbydame The porn advice is good advice, but I bet she could use some advice on how to locate this mythical "woman friendly porn." It's not for me, it's for her.
@heb (or LW) try X-art. Naturally hot women getting off & having sex w/ nice, gl dudes in non-threatening environments. Pretty much the opposite of all the stuff I had to ignore/fast-forward/feel guilty about for years. And yet, still not super proud that this is my first real comment.
@rollerderbydame Any suggestions (for the women-friendly + free + no registering on sketchy website porn)?! I'm always looking for some?
Oh hayzeus. Another woman who thinks that her affinity for steak, gin, and sports makes her a speshul snowflake, and there's no other women out there like her, and gosh the ones that like girly stuff are so *exhausting*. Plus, BROS?! REALLY?! Good grief.
@ChaCha I just, uh, wanted to say hi. And, I had to add to the crowd at some point, gin is definitely a girly drink. An older-woman drink, was my impression.
@ChaCha My only knowledge of gin drinking comes from watching Annie as a kid. Mrs. Hannigan qualifies as an older woman, so you may be on to something.
"No more handjobs. Ever."
THIS. Handjobs are like the TV show "Lost". Super exciting at first, then quickly disintegrating into aimlessness and realization that they're in wayyy over their head and there's no possibility it can end in way that is satisfying.
@Das Rad
I always thought they were pointless, in that, why do something when the guy can probably do it way better himself anyway? Like, waaaaay better. Meh.
Also, Das Rad was the name of this really hilarious German magazine we used to get in high school.
@Das Rad Donald Glover was on a talk show and said that handjobs are the Kix of cereal; they're pretty good, but you know what you REALLY want.
@Das Rad No handjobs is great advice.
@Das Rad – horrible advice. way to kill some enthusiasm. i don't really care what mrs. brad does as long as she's going at it with happiness. the biggest turn on is someone who likes doing the sex stuff with you and gets into it.
@likethestore …I really like Kix! (but not handjobs.)
@brad "the biggest turn on is someone who likes doing the sex stuff with you and gets into it." …yeah, that looks good on a Hallmark card, but the sentiment quickly fades once you cross paths with a really enthusiastic lady yanking on it like it's a cigarette machine that just stole her $5.
@Das Rad – HA! that sounds awesome.
@Das Rad once the P goes into the V you can never go back to a handjob. EVER. its some sort of man law.
@brad: Totally with you. Whatever floats your boat. Including handjobs.
The third letter is too funny. She just can't figure out why she "just can’t seem to reciprocate." But she hasn't blown him. That's like saying, "I can't manage to make my bread warm and crunchy! Should I try using a toaster?"
@onedudeofmany There are no words for how great this comment is. You integrated toast and clowning in the same comment. The bessttt!!
@onedudeofmany Oh God. "Should I try using a toaster?" Hairpin comments are the best comments on the whole internet.
@thebestjasmine agreed.
@thebestjasmine Agreed, and I hyperventilate and get performance anxiety just THINKING about how I can possibly measure up to the awesome of Hairpin comments…
The Peck Peck sounds awful and just mechanically…impossible? So basically the dude is unable to sustain a proper french kiss since he's constantly pulling his head back and doesn't want their mouths and tongues touching for too long. Maybe he secretly hates kissing?
I've thankfully never had anything that bad, but I've definitely been disappointed by finally kissing a guy I was into who I was convinced based on attraction alone would be an amazing kisser and I would get all tingly–only to find out that he wasn't that great and there were no sparks.
@DickensianCat In re: secretly hating kissing, once I dated a dude who kissed a lot like that, and then he turned out to be gay, and I have seen hm kissing dudes, and he does not kiss them like that. So either someone told him what was what, or he actually genuinely did not like kissing ladies. Maybe both? Hmm.
@DickensianCat Maybe she has bad breath.
I'm not sure how much I'm just playing devil's advocate and how much I really mean it, but re: Girl #1 related hatred…I mean, just out of college / 23 is kind of young, and I feel like college insulates people from maturity a lot. And it's kind of awful to refer to any group of people, be it "Women" or "People from Missouri" or anything that generic as intolerable, I feel like maybe being a little nicer to this young woman might encourage her to be more open to having good friendships with people regardless of their gender?
@leon.saintjean Yeah, I was full of WTF while reading that, but my guess is she had these stereotypes formed really early (high school, if not before) and never really tried to get to know women, and/or subsequently was on a campus with a lot of girls who were not her type? It's understandable. And although I think it's valid to say guy friends are "lower maintenance" in some cases (for reasons well explained above), or to generally prefer the company of men for whatever reason, this goes way beyond.
@leon.saintjean You are a kind soul.
@leon.saintjean Hmmmmm. My thoughts on that are just the opposite. What the hell else has this woman been doing in high school / college if she hasn't been making women friends? Has she been hanging out with bros literally every second for the past 16 years? She's never ONCE managed to have a friendship with another woman in an environment where everyone else is the same age and has mostly similar interests?
That is what high school and college did for me and many other ladies. Those years in your life are like petri dishes made for inculcating female friendships. If you somehow missed out on those lessons by the time you graduate because "other women are so high maintenance", you failed.
@leon.saintjean: Yeah, we kind of pile on in the Ask A comments section, forgetting that often these letter writers are seeking advice AND fellow commenters themselves. Well said.
@leon.saintjean If she's not a troll (and I am unconvinced), my real advice to her would be that I have noticed there is a specific effect of hanging out with groups of dudes. And that is that it allows you to relate to all the dudes as a friend or a wingwoman or rate the bangability of the brunette at the end of the bar with them blah blah blah WITHOUT ever putting yourself out there or trying to get close to one dude. Because then you might be the girl they are rating and not part of the inner circle? So it can feel a lot safer to be in there and takes a bit of courage to step out.
So my un-angry advice is essentially the same as A Dude's; leave the guy circle for a bit and open yourself up to being approached. Maybe make a point to hang out with your good female friends more and try to meet more like-minded women. Believe me there are a lot of us who like brown liquor and lebowski. I mean, have you *read* the Hairpin?? Oh and also you could just chill out about meeting someone and just recognize that this might be a time in your life where you hang out casually and have lots of guy friends. They will pair off and move on so the circle will prob dry up eventually anyway. You could just get comfortable that this is a fun and special time in your life and go with the flow.
So yeah that's my advice if you are real and I am overlooking what are probably just the misguided comments of someone who just left a sorority heavy school or something.
@leon.saintjean maybe (maybe) the vitriol towards LW1 has to do with encounters we have had, as women, with other women like this. from my own personal experience, when I hear these sort of cliche things from someone, ALL these cliche things in one "breath" so to speak, it really speaks volumes. the women i've run into in the past with this sort of mindset have been really problematic – poaching boyfriends, being condescending or hurtful to other women, they're narcissistic and vain, and generally are pretty inconsiderate. i'd guess that the other women who have reacted strongly have run into women like this in their past too.
@leon.saintjean I'm 23, drank two beer flights last night, and I am still completely, utterly irritated by and unsympathetic to the world view she presented.
@teenie I'm not dismissing the criticism as invalid, her opinion on women being exhausting is, I agree, an opinion which one shouldn't hold, and I'm sure that me being a guy and never having to deal with this (which I'm aware is an opinion held too often) makes me a bad judge of how difficult that sort of internalized distaste can be but, I think I just feel like writing a letter where you're hoping for advice to a "Ladies First" website, and then being criticized in such a brutal manner there – it does nothing to make the world a better place. I'm usually all for snark and mocking those who deserve it, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with too much hating on someone who wants to make a self-improvement, even if the improvement they need to be making is not the one they think it is.
@KatnotCat Not saying all 23 year olds are young-acting – I'm still in my 20s too – just that sometimes they can be. It was more the fresh out of college / phrasing of the "big city" comment to me than the number.
@leon.saintjean Seeking answers on how to get laid is hardly an exercise in self-improvement.
@KatnotCat yeah, the more i think about it, the more i think this is a possible troll. the letter writer's perspective seemed to shift part-way through – i actually caught myself going "whoah, wut?" when she started talking about how attractive she is, it caught me off guard. that sort of inconsistency can be a good hallmark for a troll…
@leon.saintjean Thing is, she's clearly not all that interested in self-improvement. Nearly everything in that letter is a brag – she's awesome, she's great, she drinks whiskey, she likes sports, she's Not Like Other Girls.
She doesn't see herself as the problem, she sees other people as the problem (the ladies aren't as cool as she is and the guys won't hit on her). Those other people are the ones she's trying to fix,
@wee_ramekin Maybe she's been making the wrong kind of female friends. I used to feel this way about girls when I was young and had mostly guy friends. Turns out I just happened to know a lot of catty bitches and assumed they were all that way. Eventually I realized they weren't.
Lady No. 4: Is it possible that you were in fact making out with a chicken? And that your lips are covered with delicious insects that must be pecked off before they escape?
ALTERNATIVELY, maybe your date was a snake and he was just slipping the tongue in there to smell the inside of your mouth, because that is how snakes smell things?
OR, maybe this guy just has notions about what a sexy good time is. In which case, don't ever take your clothes off with him, because can you imagine what "notions" he might have about how to entertain your panty hamster?
@christonacracker Panty Hamster! Ham Spatula! This thread is a treasure trove of slang I am filing away for later use.
@christonacracker ok now there are tears of laughter in my eyes. I am in love with you. Please accept this internet Pulitzer for "panty hamster."
@christonacracker Laughing so hard, oh my god.
@christonacracker You're killing me today. I'm gonna get fired.
Everyone is ignoring hanjo girl, but I'm not. I think you need to examine why you're "not into" blow jobs. Is it because you don't know what you're doing, or because you think they're "demeaning?"
If you don't know what you're doing, that's OK. Blow job talent is made, not born. So to pick up some pointers, read this IMMEDIATELY.
If it's because you think they're demeaning, think about how much trust he has in you to take his dick, the center of his maleness, into your mouth, which is full of scary sharp things that can crush and pinch and tear, and how much power you have to give him pleasure. I know that sounds very D/s-ish, but there really is something to it.
@Clare ah thanks for including that link. I couldn't put it in my comment because I'm at work!
@Clare This link is genius. And, based on experience, 100% true.
@Clare Even if she isn't into super passionate, drawn out blowjobs for whatever reason, incorporating mouth into handjobs might be a good route. Sometimes the line between handjob w/ mouth and blowjob is blurry, but it sounds like she's disinterested in oral sex as a concept for some reason if she doesn't even want to receive.
Handjob girl: Is your oral sex issue out of concern for cleanliness? If so, that's fine, but maybe you could try it after a bath?
(I'm deeply sorry your nickname in this thread is one you would normally earn through the middle school rumor mill)
@Clare that link is so informative! excellent, thank you for sharing.
This Dude is the ACTUAL BEST. Real advice. This is how how I would answer these slightly ridiculous questions! Just with less sailing references.
"blow jobs aren’t really up my alley"
Are you sure about this? Are you just bothered by the idea in theory, or have you actually tried putting it in your mouth? Because if you haven’t … just put it in your mouth. I’m not going to give you specific tips because you can obtain them via Google, but really, you ought to try this out more than once before you foreswear it completely. If you try it a number of times and you still absolutely hate it, then ok, you don’t have to do it … but if you’re just uncomfortable with the concept, at least give it a few more tries. The more you try, the easier/more normal it becomes.
@elysian fields *high five*
@elysian fields I felt the same way as the letter-writer when I was a newbie but I did exactly this and it worked! Just wait until you see the look on his face, letter-writer…I feel confident that the reaction alone will make the beej worth it for you.
Wow, a lot of hating for LW1 from all you stumpy, wine-sipping brunettes. Maybe you should just have a White Russian and stop being so JEALOUS!!
@ejcsanfran I beg your pardon. I am a stumpy redhead.
You know who I hate the most, those girls who pretend to like beer, gin, and whiskey. It's good to know that there are girls out there who aren't faking it.
@Captain DuClark <3
@Captain DuClark I also found the "genuinely" to be the most grating part of that. No, really, she's really really not like the other girls!
I'm fine with a little self-brag but what in the hot hell does "genuinely" indicate in this case?
@KatnotCat A hidden scrotum
"Ham spatula" and "panty hamster" in ONE THREAD? What left can anyone say?
Inexperienced girl, it takes a little while to get into it. But I think enjoying the BJ has a lot to do with feeling confident and relaxed at it. I remember going to Barnes & Noble back in the pre-internet-sex-advice days and found a how to book written by a woman AND a gay man. Or maybe it was written by a gay man for women, but totally worth googling. I don't want to sound like the leggy blonde lady narcissus above, but I now have serious skills in this dept. It's not really that difficult—and you don't actually have to *suck* on it. But it sure helps to understand the basic premise of what feels good to the menfolk in this dept.
#4—he is the worst kisser in the world!!!!!! Is pecking even a thing?? WHY? I recommend teaching him from scratch because I bet he is completely inexperienced. Or like a total failure in the romance dept. Or both.
I know we are all hating on the first letter, but every letter in this column (except bad kisser) seemed to come from ladies who were kind of not getting it? I don't want to call anyone dumb but they seemed a little dimmish? Like flickering light bulb style? Like you could answer their problems in ten words or less total. 1. Meeting dudes is easier with ladies
2. New girlfriend
3. Blowjobs
@LRMG These ladies are also really young. Like, yes, you can answer their problems in 10 words, but this stuff is all new to them so they need like 50 words. So A Dude (and all the A Commenters) are helping out.
@dinos Yeah good point. I am having convenient amnesia about how overconfident yet ooohhh so dumb I was at that age.
@LRMG Holy crap, me too. Sooo dumb. I actually dated a combo of peck peck dart/FWB new girlfriend dude, and had NO CLUE. Good thing I have all answers now.
@LRMG I read your comment in the voice of Phoebe from 30 Rock ("I'm Phoebe, we met before. Jack proposed to me outside your office? I have hollow bones? Like a bird?")
I really hope you've seen that episode so we can high five and lol together over the interweb and stuff.
Okay, but, you guys…I actually AM different! I really like playing God of War and my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction! I'm really special, you guys. Like, I wear skirts and stuff but I'm not ALL ABOUT wearing skirts and stuff and it's really not my fault that all of my friends are guys, it's just that girls are SUPER INTIMIDATED by how my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction.
@Nutellaface the color pink just makes me want to throw up forever, unless we're talking about the center of a bloody steak!
@rootmarm omg yes and girls who like spend a really long time on their hair before they go out? That, like, go to salons to have their hair done? So gross. My hair just looks good naturally.
Hey handjob lady – watch this: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/304586143d/i-don-t-understand-job and realize that there aren't any of us ladies out there capable of giving a proper hj.
@batgirl THANK YOU for alerting me to this video. I don't know what cave I've been living in for the last year, but this is… amazing.
To recently deflowered: Handjobs can be good! I like giving and receiving. Jolie (I think) did a great smackdown on defending the handjob on the Awl. Also! It is possible your new lover is worried he's going to climax before he gets you off. I'm not a big girl-first always in bed proponent (see my love of HJs) but, you may be doing that hj a little too well for his comfort.
Also agreed girl #1 needs to grow up a bit and get over herself.
@JuiceBox Really. Jolie, do you want to coauthor an illustrated book called "Every Dick is Different," with a page or two dedicated to the potential pleasure of the handjo?
@MollyculeTheory I would advance order that in a heart beat.
@JuiceBox I was responsible for the smackdown on defending the fingerbang, not the handjob, but nonetheless I'll sign on to write that book with Ms. Theory. As soon as I'm done with "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Protein Stains But Were Too Afraid To Ask"
@MollyculeTheory
I hear a choir singing your book title…to the tune of "Every Sperm is Sacred"….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8
I had the same kissing problem with a dude. I tried. I talked to him about it. I tried to keep his head still. I tried to use a little tongue. That's just how he kissed. The sex was worse. I would keep lookin.'
Wow, you are all so exhausting.
well played! A+!
She spent all that time delineating how attractive she is so we could all focus on the real issue, her personality.
This dude is a good one. Extra special props for the smackdown delivered to leggy LW #1.
*shyly whispers* um, speaking of being insulated from the masses, would someone kindly explain the troll concept to me?
-is it someone who wrote a fake letter to A Dude?
-is it a fake person who Edith made up to generate comments?
what are internet trolls? sorry, i grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere before there was internet?
@sockiboos Fake letter designed to elicit OUTRAGE! and attention….
@sockiboos I'd go with A but I wouldn't put B past Edith.
*shakes fist*
@sockiboos @ insouciantlover TAKE IT BACK! Edith would never do that!
R-right, guys….?
Is this where I find out that Santa Claus isn't real? *ohgod*
@sockiboos http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_(Internet)
@wee_ramekin Hmm, actually I don't think I meant that I think Edith wrote the letter, because it seems like even if she was going for this effect, the person would still have some more sparkle or quirk. Really I just see 'troll' alot on comments here and the Awl, etc. and trying to understand because I've wondered for awhile and this is a week where I am searching for answers because life has been a little harsh on me.
@becky@twitter Thanks Becky. I've already had an emotional response this week. So sorry to LW#1, if you are indeed a troll I can offer nothing but apathy. Good luck though – go out with Jane, you'll love her!
@sockiboos psst.. basically a troll is a fakey posting something just to get a rise out of other posters or to go viral or otherwise achieve their 15 minutes. So like, posting "my wife wouldn't have two black eyes if she'd listened the first time" on a feminist site is gonna attract some major vitriol, right? While our troll friend sits back and laughs at the outrage, or continues to argue to continue to get a rise out of folks..
With the earthquakes in Japan, there was a girl who went viral w/a video about "God punishing" Japan or something really hating that was eventually revealed to be trolling. Also the video of the eharmony chick freaking out about cats? Have you seen that? Not a proven troll, but watch it and you'll be like, "yeah, this shit ain't real".
@sockiboos There are no trolls! Only real people living, breathing, loving, and giving long, slow, horrible hand jobs.
@Edith Zimmerman
<3
U
4ever
@Edith Zimmerman You forgot painful. The mysterious new hand is exciting at first but at some point it feels like they're trying to grind out a balloon animal with your sensitive parts.
I hereby invite LW #1 out on the town with me and my amazing, leggy, whiskey drinking girl-homies. We will get you action and you will love us, promise.
@Jane Feltes best reply.
@Jane Feltes Wait Jane don't leave what are we supposed to spend our allowances ooooooon???
@theharpoon oh boy, i seriously thought today was thursday somehow and completely dropped the ball. can you believe me!? how do they even let me stay in this country?
@Jane Feltes I don't know. I really don't know.
#4, maybe you should lie and tell this guy that he kisses like your ex and that's why you don't like it? Not that it's bad, but just that you have negative connotations. No guy wants to be like his gf's ex.
@Twinkle Little Bat this is kind of brilliant.
@Twinkle Little Bat This is a really good idea.
#4 If you make out with him again, stop and say "Hey, kiss me like you mean it." If he doesn't start paying attention to what you're doing and what you like, move on. It relates to other areas as well.
i think it's pretty natural for ladies to be ambivalent to "not about" blow-jos at first, right? i think dudes go through the same thing with chowin' down. there are lots of taboos that our culture places on that area, you know, **down there** so putting your face all up in it is intimidating at first, if not downright off-putting. add to that the unknown varibles (like, if he's a turtleneck is he aware of how to be clean? some aren't, and that can be really difficult to get over depending on your personality) and it becomes a bit of a hurdle for our newly minted Sisters.
So:
1.) blow-jo's are awesome – they are definitely one of my favorite things to do, because you can really hone your skill on it and drive men to craziness with it. it's worth investing your time and skill with it
2.) once you do it, and are successful with it, and see how his toes curl, you'll be part of the Blow Jo Club and will never go back
3.) if there are cleanliness issues, bring it up delicately – probably best if you do it when you're not being sexy, because it can be a bit of a blow (hehe) to someone.
best of luck!
I think lady number 1 should call lady number 3 and they can talk about how they're too precious to give blow jobs or hang out with other ladies. BOOM. Problem solved.
@kayjay Aaaa, I don't think lady 3 is too precious–penises are intimidating if you're new to the game! Spoken from a place of true empathy for miss 3.
I know a million Hairpinners have already called Questioner Number 1 out on this (I love you guys!) but "I'm not the girliest of girls… I don’t need eight separate people to approve my outfit before I leave the house." Um, fo realz? Is that because, like, all other women totally do? To, you know, help them get over their, like, self hatred? Aaaaargh.
@Acertainromance Right? And besides, I always stop at getting 7 outfit-related accolades, because that number's biblical and that's the rule of thumb for determining whether or not something's worth it.
I had a tall Lego blond once. I took her apart and built a moonbase.
@atipofthehat: Did you run out of those hinged pieces? I always run out of those. (or the resistance is gone and they don't hold their angle anymore.)
@atipofthehat <3<3<3
I can't even finish reading because the answer to #1 is so awesome! I used to be a single hot woman who hung out mostly with guys and I sounded just like that trifling skeez. A Dude nailed it!
Oh, and eventually I got older, and I got over myself and was sad that I didn't have female friends. I wish A Dude would have been there for me in my early 20s. So wise.
@Tina Steele Wiltzius Yeah I was that chick too (only minus the leggy part, awkward looking girls unite!) Then I met another chick that was also not like other chicks, and we insta bonded. Then came along another not-like-other-chicks chick. Then another, then another. Finally we all looked around and went, "Oh. Hey." and got better.
I don't really get the hate-on for HJs. Unless I missed some rule where the only acceptable way to give one is to grab it and act like Aladdin trying to make face-time with a genie. In which case, oh god, somebody made that a rule.
How do we know that this Dude isnt a former Khmer Rouge cadre?
@Butterscotch Stalin Aren't they all like, at least 70 by now? And if science has shown us anything, it's that 70-something Dudes can't link to stuff on the internet. The html breaks because of Bernoulli's Principle.
I do feel like the answer to the lady behind door number one was a bit harsh. I used to think I only liked being friends with dudes because they were so much easier and more fun until one day I noticed that all my friends were amazing ladies (near the end of college). They exist! There is no reason you can't find them. There is a reason people believe in stereotypes- because they haven't had the opportunity to step outside them! Sure she is full of it, but the worse people are, the worse I feel for them because they really just have no idea. No idea at all. Poor lady.
That said, the look at me i'm a man but sexy! act is SO ANNOYING and betrays a serious double standard. Of course dudes are better to hang out/act like because you've BEEN TRAINED BY THE JERKCIRCUS TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN. OH MY GOSH I JUST ARGUED MYSELF OUT OF ALL MY SYMPATHY.
The Hairpin has the best comments on the internet. The second I read Letter #1 I knew they would be amazing. Nice answer, A Dude! I have nothing to add except Ham Spatula dskfjasldfjal;s!!!!!!
i applauded when he told the first letter writer to get over herself. female douche. or should i just say douche because she's, after all, "just one of the boys".
oh and to the girl with the chicken kissing problem- some things are not trainable. i mean, go for it if you want to have that conversation, but seriously not liking kissing someone is probably a sign that you don't actually have chemistry with this person. maybe no one's never told him how terrible it is, but maybe also you just didn't like his style and there are many ladies who have had great sexy times with this guy. i slept with someone and it was pretty awful (which doesn't explain why i did it twice) and my friend used to sleep with him previously and said it was the best sex she'd ever had (college gets incestuous, we accepted it). So different strokes for different folks could be your helpful cliche here? although it does sound terrible to us sane ladies, there could be a bunch of crazy ladies out there who find it a huge turn on to be intensely pecked/stared at. i just think you have to realize that if you're already thinking about putting in this much work on this guy, it may just not be meant to be? other chickens in the sea that you might like making out with more?
@indigo_stars Other chickens in the sea… so is this chicken, or is it fish?
I know it's tuna, but it SAYS…
@alpelican Weiner Mincer.
Too soon?
Hey yo, Question Asker Number Four:
It's not like you have to tell the guy, "Hey you are objectively terrible at kissing". Just say that you're going to teach him how to kiss you in the way that really gets YOU PERSONALLY hot and bothered. Tell him he has to follow your lead and do just what you whisper into his ear and/or face. Then get into a dominant position by like straddling him or something, and start with the smooching. If he starts to peck and dart, pull back, wiggle your finger at him like a sexy school teacher out of a cheap porno, and be like "Uh-uh, I'M in charge here."
See, now you have turned that horrifying situation into a coy, fun little sexy game! Abracadabra!!!
What happened to the A Dudes who actually like women who used to write this column? This one starts with a letter from an unlikable-sounding woman to distract from the fact that he doesn't like us and is a boring writer.
@cloudy
Yeah, I thought that too! Then I thought, I must be too sensitive, this Dude is cool.
I'm gonna say: cool dude BUT w/not enough good handjobs administered by others (a few too many by self?)
@cloudy Then again, your criteria is rather on the harsh side of things…. yeowch!
"This dude is not as good as the other dudes, by a lot. "Fingerblast over brunch." Witless asshole."
@randummy about as harsh as the last two A Dudes…
DUDE! Man….you really got a few things wrong here (but teriffic fun!)
- Filthy rap or any other graphic porn is NOT what the ex 20-something virgin needs. She waited so long because she lives well in her head; she needs women's written erotica to bust her open. You are SUCH a dude!
ALSO- the greatest blowjobs involve hands AND mouth AND a lot of spit. Blowjobs are necessary to the health of most hetero sexual relationships, but DO NOT require a penis being jammed down the back of a throat for several minutes. She can Get a 'how to' DVD; they exist and some are excellent. And remember- women who have a sensitive gag reflex sometimes gag every time the head of the penis hits the uvula and may not be capable of swallowing by the end of the fun…this may be a swallowing problem…keep tissues around and spit.
-The young lady who hangs with the boys needs to either go after the married guy in the group that she's really in love with or stop hanging out with them.
@BetteGH I have TMJ and have a lot of trouble with prolonged penis-in-mouth activity, but I'm told I give a good blowjob. You can do a lot with hands, but also lips and tongue. I've got an aversion to swallowing, so I've always been a big fan of letting guys cum on my boobs when they're ready to let loose. It keeps it out of my mouth, it's easy to clean up, and guys like it.
I kissed one guy and one girl who were both beaky kissers, but not pecking It was more like stiff-lipped chomping. The girl was just a friend so that wasn't a big deal, but I really liked the guy and wanted to date him until that fateful kiss.
hey, lady#1! if you haven't like, quit the internet i bet you are so perplexed and frustrated and dumbfounded right now! you're thinking some variation of "but… i'm a hairpin reader! that's all i was tryna say! i really like you people and in real life you would really like me too! we're into the same shit! we hang out at the same places! why don't you get me? what did i say wrong?!?" right? RIGHT?!?
okay, maybe not. but if so, here is the thing, lady#1 and i promise you, it is a good thing. you have NO IDEA how shitty your attitude is. you haven't even noticed that you feel superior to and contemptuous of most of the women in the world. you came here and assumed you were talking to the exalted 10% of girls who are cool. girls like you. girls who would recognize that you're cool too and "one of us" and so you can kinda let on how annoying and exhausting and intolerable those awful 90%'s are. and you are likely stunned to have been thoroughly lambasted by those very same cool girls you identify with!
bottom line — you're not cool. you're kindof a smug, self-impressed asshole at the moment. but that's an entirely fixable thing. take a good hard look at it, maybe ask one or two people you really trust to discuss it candidly with you and make a point of working to change it. put the same effort into getting over yourself and learning to have quality interactions with your fellow ladies that you put into your appearance and tryna meet boys and the results will blow your mind. once you stop assuming everyone else is the problem and start assuming you are the problem suddenly, like magic, the problem is in your power to fix. fix it, and reap the benefits — including awesome wingladies who will totally take you out and get you laid. the only risk is you might be having too much fun with them to remember to pick up dudes.
good luck!
@pixelit awww, this was nice
@pixelit Oh, I get it now. She was trying to say that she was a Hairpinata who doesn't hang out with Jezebellers. Right?
This hatred for Girl #1 upsets me. Recently, most of my close chic friends have relocated or gotten themselves knocked up (or knocked up again!), so I have found myself often surrounded by a similar wall of peni when I go out. I am trying to upgrade some female acquaintances to more of a friend level and meet some new folks, but SERIOUSLY, just because someone has a vag, doesn't been you've got loads in common and are going to skip/dance your way down the street drunk together!
Give this girl a break, she's young and it's hard to break old/comfortable patterns and meet new people. Plus y'all didn't give her much evidence that us girls are nice and fun to hang with. Hopefully she'll learn with time, that your chances of getting your smooch on generally increase with a chic as your wing-man… er person
@Artressa Vandelay I don't think the issue is that she has to be friends with girls because the vag is THE ONLY IMPORTANT COMMON GROUND, but moreso because she comes across that all girls suck except her. I am pretty inflexible on my views of male/female friendships, but I realize not everyone feels the same.
I feel like the whole "I can't be friends with girls, they're so catty/gossipy/vain/high maintenance" schtick is something young girls say because they think that makes them more attractive to men.
To Girl #4, been there done that! Walk or run away from the terrible kisser. I feel like this says a lot about chemistry, and would probably carry over into other things. In my case it was literally more like a frog. The shallow tongue thing is really terrible. Ack, it makes me cringe just thinking about it.
I wouldn't judge girl #1 too harshly. She might be insecure (despite being a well-dressed "leggy blonde") or have had bad experiences with women. I had barely any female friends until college because I was nerdy and felt incredibly intimidated by the girly, fashionable ladies at my high school…then I tried to make friends when my first female co-worker showed up (I worked at a computer store) and she treated me like crap. I felt like all women hated me so I didn't have much love for them back.
Granted, I smartened up when I went to college and A) met more nerdy girls like me and B) got over my insecurities. She is 23 so she should probably grow up a bit by now.
Also, since when is gin a dudely drink? I and plenty of my lady friends love a good G&T and I always thought it was pretty gender neutral as far as drinks went.