Monday, June 27, 2011


Do You Speak Man?

I scored "Fluent Female" on Cosmopolitan's bottomless "50 Guy Phrases Translated" quiz. Seriously, don't take it, it never ends; in an alternate universe, I am still taking it. (That's what she said.) It also might be a bummer of an accidental autobiography for the woman who wrote it. Or not, because she probably just had to make up some nonsense. There is a sad question about what "I love you" means, though. But you'll never see it, because you aren't going to take it.

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Jim Behrle@twitter

Guys would never ask if they look OK


Unless he thinks he might be going into anaphylaxis.


@Jim Behrle@twitter I know a lot of guys who do actually. Apparently everyone is wildly self-conscious and insecure.


@Jim Behrle@twitter: We do. However, the unspoken subtext is "Do I look okay? I don't want to look dumb. If this looks silly or dumb, please tell me."

I did this just last night. After getting in pretty good shape a former girlfriend berated my size Large shirts for not sitting on my shoulders right (a brilliant tactic of an overweight guy is to wear larger clothing, which cunningly hides the extra weight by making you look like a slob instead). So I got some size small stuff, of which I have since gotten rid of because because of the term 'smedium'; i.e. wearing clothing a little too small to show off one's muscles - a common douche tactic. So last night I was wearing my last small sized thing, and genuinely asked a girl if I looked okay in it.


@Jim Behrle@twitter #the problem of conveying tone on the Internet


@Too Much Internet I prefer the term Extra-Medium (X-Medium)


@Too Much Internet I feel like guys' shirts not sitting right on their shoulders is a pretty common girl complaint (I know SOMEONE with the same too-big-shirt/slob former issue). Though for equality's sake it bothers me when girls wear the sleeve seam down on their shoulders too. If the shirt is supposed to be a fitted shirt that is.

fondue with cheddar

@Jim Behrle@twitter Some guys do, but they're the ones who never look okay.


if one of these questions involves a scrunchie, i am going to laugh.


also, if the guy wants to split the check, it means he's not into you? glad to see cosmo is still repressed.



So is ye olde Hairprynne. Check the archives.


@atipofthehat ugh. i'm afraid to search. i think the gesture of the guy paying is nice and appreciated, but should by no means be a sign of if he's into you/not into you.


@becky@twitter If I remember correctly, there were plenty of people (me among them) who were of that opinion.

elysian fields

Edith, I think you underestimate my need to procrastinate compulsively at work while my bosses are away from the office.


@elysian fields and get irrationally irritated by these questions. or possibly paranoid. i need something to get my blood pressure up after lunch.


I tried to finish the test, but I threw up on my keyboard, instead. Also FUCK ME this is the stupidest thing I've seen all day. And I work in government!


Oh my god is this for real. I got "Fluent Female" by consciously choosing the most moronic, dickish option every time.

Spoiler alert, "I love you" means "I love the sex I have with you"! It DEFINITELY doesn't actually mean that your dude has a rich emotional topography of which you are now an important element!


@fairlyalarmed I thought you said "rich emotional typography" and got really excited, because I am a man and I like fancy and attractive curvy things, like fonts and porsches and boobies.

Then I realized you were talking about feelings and I was like UGH I am a MAN and Cosmo has taught me I don't have to give a fuck when ladies talk.


@fairlyalarmed: Explains Edith's score.


The test creator was so, so cynical. And so, so experienced with 20-to-24-year-old-men who didn't grow up with any women and are way too invested in what their friends think.


So apparently I am fluent in English, French, and obvious gender-oriented clichés. I am also feeling a little nauseous at reading the delightful phrase 'I just want to do you' again and again and AGAIN in girly pink letters.

Princess Langwidere

C'mon, quiz, "I'm not sorry, but I don't want to deal with your wrath" ISN'T the answer? And I thought I understood man-talk.


@Princess Langwidere Clearly you don't because a man, especially a man as portrayed through the vocabularly of the twits at cosmo, shouldn't know an effete word like "wrath". I believe the corret answer is always, "girls be crazy!"


Ahh all is well in the Cosmo universe where BOTH men and women are sexist morons.

Charismatic Megafauna

Women are brittle harpies and men are deceptive sex addicts! Mars! Venus! #lolsad


@Charismatic Megafauna I am repeatedly reading that as "brittle hairpies".

No, I don't want to split the check. I want you to handle me as if my pubes were made of spun glass.



Like that old Blondie song, Eucecryphalus schultzei of Glass.



I heard it on the radiolarian just yesterday.


As a man, I should score 100 percent, right?


@boyofdestiny Alright, Fluent Female. It was easy, once you realize that by "Guy" they really mean "Feckless, Callow Idiot."


Shit, man, quick and easy internet quizzes were perfected way back in the web 1.0 with radio button html, the long-ass reaction times on this flash thing are straight up tomfoolery. Defo do not care that much about whether I speak man. No, my favorite part was the FUN FREE GAMES recs, because one is this ridiculous sex and the city retooling of a mahjjong tile matching game with a blurb phrased like '90s Barbie ad copy but the other's just "FUCK IT, EVEN GIRLS WILL PLAY SOLITAIRE"


"Who farted?"

A. I farted
B. I didn't know girls farted
C. I love you
D. All of the above


@ejcsanfran Awesome.


@ejcsanfran: Is there a dog nearby? If so, it was the dog.

Robbie Smith@twitter

I tried to take this quiz because I thought, since I'm a man, the result might be funny. Sadly I couldn't get past the first question because every answer was the answer of a grade-A dickbag. Does this mean that I can't speak my own language? Please help me.


@Robbie Smith@twitter you are a stranger in your own land.

Robbie Smith@twitter

@becky@twitter I say I'm a stranger in my own land, but what do I mean?
1) I want to have sex
2) I want to have sex
3) I want to scratch myself and watch sports


@Robbie Smith@twitter

4) i love being a stranger in my own land, so much so that i won't pay for your dinner. instead, i'll text u l8r.
5) i knew rationalizing with my own gender would upset you, and i didn't want to deal with your lady wrath.
6) you're a psycho.


I am beginning to suspect that there might not be much of an overlap between the dudes cosmo-reading ladies like to date and the dudes I like to date.

Better to Eat You With

It's good to know that, in Cosmo land, men only have a total of ten lines of dialogue at their disposal, which may be interchanged as appropriate to any situation.


@Better to Eat You With I like how they only included the more complex ones, and left out more obvious male sentiments such as "herp" and "derp"


I'm glad Debbie Downer has managed to scrape together some freelance work post SNL. http://www.sadtrombone.com/


this makes me want to stab my eyeball out repeatedly.


I didn't look at this quiz but let's see if you ladies can figure this out: I'm grunting and alternately pointing at my mouth and crotch.

Answer: I tried to give myself a beej and sprained my neck. Could you get me some ice?


This quiz made me feel really great about being gay.


You guys are so cute with pretending not to know who wrote this! Clearly, these are the honest and ernest answers of one Rick Santos, borrowed from Marie Claire for a guest stint on Cosmo.


men are people too...sometimes do i look okay actually just means do i look okay. geez. smh.


Do the answers just scramble at random? I can't imagine anything that could misconstrued as all three of these things, but it's one answer set:

A.I think I may love you too.
B.You look weird.
C.I don't understand you at all.

I feel like I'm training the algorithm for a robot companion.


@KatnotCat You forgot "Can we have sex later?"

Quick Brown Fox

@beeline96 I just assumed that was the answer to all the questions.


I would take it, but I killed myself after question three on the salad test.


Has anyone ever met a Cosmo writer? Or a Cosmo employee? I'm still not convinced the whole thing isn't produced by a 4chan-type collection of rotating thirteen-year-old boys trying to pretend they are 30 on the internet.

Because I have to say, pretending to be a thirteen-year-old boy trying to act like I'm 30 on the internet? I only got 2 questions wrong.

Harriet Welch M@facebook

Fuck cosmo! You know, I am really freaking sick of this myth that ALL men lie ALL of the time. In my experience, dudespeak doesn't take that much decoding. If anything they try to get out of crap because girls freak out because the girls are always assuming that the guys are lying. It's so obnoxious.


I'm so glad that somebody is finally in awe over my killer grasp of guyspeak.

I'm Not Rufus

I stopped taking the test after about five questions. Kept wanting one of the options to be exactly the same thing as written in the prompt. Q: What do men mean when they say "it's fine"? A: They mean that it is fine.


I have no words for how bad this quiz is. When I say "lets talk about this later" what I mean is "you're starting a fight in front of everyone and I want to fight about this later" or perhaps "this was a great nght until you started this fight, so lets finish having a great night and then fight about this later" or relaly anything that ends with "so lets fight about this later"

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