A Personal Reflection on the Idea of Shia LaBeouf
I've been thinking about this for a long time, a process which came to a head yesterday when a friend emailed me the story about Shia LaBeouf being all, "yeah, I did Megan Fox, and have no concern for what this dubious revelation may do to her invariably weird marriage."
And that's not even the point, right, it's that her email just said, "it's extraordinary to me how little I care about anything to do with this."
There have been people in the history of humanity who one looks back on and thinks: perhaps this individual is from another time or planet, sent here to shape the course of human events. Because they're too smart, or their origins are murky, or because they make connections between events that might otherwise have spun out for centuries: the great physicist Ed Witten, perhaps. Or Tocqueville.
But then there are individuals whose presence in our lives seems so inexplicable that there must be sinister design involved.
What I'm suggesting, essentially, is that Shia LaBeouf is a Pygmalion-esque gentlemen's wager between Steven Spielberg and another party — probably George Lucas.
That, to be blunt, Steven Spielberg twisted his moustache and said, "I say, George. I warrant that I can take a young man, free of any discernible talent, possessing only the most basic level of physical attractiveness, and, by simply putting him in every single movie for a very long time, create a movie star."
To which George Lucas said, "Steven, I shall take that wager, as a gentleman, and to show my commitment to the plan, I shall consent to have him in our new Indiana Jones moving picture."
(If you're not following this, an alternative viewpoint would be that Shia LaBeouf is "fetch," Steven Spielberg is Lacey Chabert, and American audiences are "making it happen." With their general admission dollars. Every day.)
Is Michael Bay a victim? Is Michael Bay a perpetrator? I don't know.
The important thing is to ask these questions. Unless you're Shia LaBeouf, but perhaps he's smart enough to look at the career of Haley Joel Osment and keep his mouth shut.
What really happened to your hand, Shia?
um, where is the part about strippers and/or bachelor parties? am i still on the hairpin website?
So, funny story, I once ran into a person named Sunni LeBoeuf.
That means, in this world, there are two people named after the two branches of Islam with a last name that translates to "the cow." I find this hilarious.
@alpelican That right there is your Jeopardy! anecdote. Lucky.
@alpelican But Muslims by and large eat beef, as long as it is halal? Or maybe I am reading you wrong. (Also there are more than two branches of Islam! So you should keep your eye out for Sufi LaBoeuf too!)
@AuntAgatha It'd be even funnier if their last name was LeCochon or LaPoule but it doesn't matter to me. I just think "boeuf" is a funny word. If I ever meet Sufi LeBoeuf I will just die of happiness.
@suiterkin My own life is so devoid of a suitable Jeopardy! anecdote that I might just have to make mine, "One time, on The Hairpin? I read this comment? And this person I never met said that one time she ran into a person named…"
@vanillawaif I can think of a bunch of Jeopardy! anecdotes, but I don't think they let you start the story with "this one time, at a lesbian sex party …"
@vanillawaif doooooooo ittttttt
@alpelican Maybe Hot Mayo could rename his dog and make this happen.
@theharpoon GREAT IDEA! Hot mayonnaise, where y'at, dawlin? I gots a proposition for ya.
It is literally the only explanation.
Michael Bay is just a peon in Spielberg-Lucas's grand scheme.
Michael Bay is totally a perpetrator. I refuse to believe anything else. One douchelord to rule them all.
@prizzzle THANK YOU. The only thing Michael Bay is a victim of is living his life with a disgustingly large head while being led around by his penis like some kind of dowsing rod, only instead of it finding water it finds explosions and boobs.
Bay is one of the worst things to happen to film. Shia LaBeouf can't even compare.
Though speaking of comparisons, the Mean Girls reference is SO spot on!! hahaha
@prizzzle Agreed, he is a perp. His movies suck.
@SBGBlogs Clicking the thumbs up button SO HARD for that explosions dowsing rod comment.
@rayray YES.
@prizzzle it's pronounced juicebox.
After a very long and tiring day, I happened to see a trailer for one of the horrible movies starring this inexplicably famous young man, and impulsively posted a Facebook status update: "Hollywood, please stop trying to make Shia LeBoeuf happen."
Within minutes, it had been "liked" many times and had a string of "Yeah, what's up with THAT!?" comments.
You have provided an explanation.
Thank you.
@City_Dater Hollywood seems to think that we're going to see Indiana Jones and Transformers movies for Shia LaBouef. They apparently have not considered that we went to see those movies for, you know, Indiana Jones and Transformers.
For the record, Spielberg, I saw Jurassic Park for the GIANT DINOSAURS, not for Jeff Goldblum.
I loooove this idea. But, because I love to nitpick things on the internet, I kind of disagree with the description of Megan Fox's marriage as invariably weird. I know the age difference (but seriously, whatever about the age difference), and the step-mom thing, and they just seem like kind of strange people. And maybe I am feeling particularly generous towards Megan Fox since she is no longer on the cover of every lad mag in her bra and panties telling us how women hate her sooo much because she makes fart jokes, but the only thing I find odd about the whole thing is that she would bang Shia of all people when her husband is pretty smokin'. But things happen in relationships! Whatever, if I was her I would break just go break Shia's hand. Again.
Is there anyone out there who actually enjoys Shia LeBeouf? Because whenever he pops up to promote another movie, all I can think is, "Oh, you're still around?"
@Daisy Razor I usually think, "Who the fuck are you?"
YES. This can be the only explanation. These horrible billionaires should just end this terrible game and go hunt people for sport on some remote jungle island. Or remake Jaws.
I've never gotten the appeal of Shia LeBeouf, so I totally agree with this.
I loved Even Stevens and have loved Shia LaBeouf as well ever since. It's okay, I'm not embarrassed even a little.
@itmakesmewonder Yeah, I'm pretty neutral on him these days, but there's no denying he was spectacular on Even Stevens.
@itmakesmewonder yep. Also "Holes." I do think it's weird that they keep giving him these intense action-adventure roles when I think he's better suited to lighthearted comic stuff. His movie career has gone in a direction I did not expect.
also I find him very attractive but I do have a thing for Jews so I could be biased.
@marz I should also admit I have a Thing for rockabilly greaser-looking dudes and he's veered in that direction on a number of occasions. That helps keep me in his corner.
@elysian fields TOTALLY agree about the Jewish thing.
@itmakesmewonder I used to watch Even Stevens in awe because his understanding of comedy as a child was completely unnatural. He reminded me of early tv sitcoms stars and he was like, 12. I don't know why he doesn't do comedy now because he's so gifted.
@itmakesmewonder Same. I loved him in Holes and then he did some fantastic Disney Channel movie called like "Tru Confessions"? or something like that were he played a mentally disabled teen. Absolutely wonderfully heartbreaking. And I've liked him in everything else. Sowwy Hairpin.
@Katie Ritter omg I vaguely remember that movie!! Holy balls
@Katie Ritter Oh my god TRU CONFESSIONS. That movie was so good, I was just coming here to comment/see if anybody else had ever seen it. I bawled my eyes out watching that movie. For the whole thing. There are acting chops there. I don't know what HAPPENED to them or to him, and maybe this Spielberg/Lucas conspiracy bet is the ticket, but yeah. Tru Confessions. Word.
@Katie Ritter Or how about The Battle of Shaker Heights?! I LOVED that movie. No one else seems to have seen it though. You can't judge Shia until you've seen that one or Tru Confessions.
UGH – I saw an interview he did on Nickelodeon as a pre-teen, and for some reason his mother was there too. He was so incredibly nasty and dismissive to her, I just wanted to punch him. I get that teenagers can be assholes, especially to their moms, but I've hated him ever since, and none of the steaming turds he's "starred" in since have done anything to convince me otherwise. I hope he falls into a volcano.
@itmakesmewonder I saw Shaker Heights! It was awesome, and I agree, he's much better doing comedy than action. Whoever is his agent is pulling all the wrong roles for him. More Tom Hanks and less Bruce Willis, please.
@Jengraf_80 I can't believe I am revealing the depth of my useless knowledge, and I will couch this with a hearty "He often comes off as a huge jerk," but … Poor Shia's parents seem to be terrible, terrible parents. The whole circus thing? Making him dress up as a clown as a kid and perform with the fam? Not to mention the dramz with his parents in later years … granted that mostly seems to revolve around his father's lamentable addiction problems, but the mom doesn't seem like mother of the year. To say the least.
Michael Bay = Freddy Eynsford-Hill.
The vision of LaBeef singing "Without You" will keep me smiling all afternoon.
@sam.i.am SQUEEEE. But how would he keep his cool at Ascot's Opening Day?
@Nicole Cliffe I believe every single interview, ever, is his Ascot Ope-ning Day.
In defense of Shia LaBeouf, he's said in pretty much every interview that he's only interested in acting for the money. So I say: "Good on you, Shia LaBeouf. Good on you." Also, I really enjoyed Holes.
What's super weird to me is not even that he is successful (although that is weird!) but that Hollywood has decided that he is the guy who should take over every film franchise.
He's definitely going to be playing lead in Ghostbusters 3. You heard it here first.
Every time I hear Shia LaBeouf I just hear Homer Simpson pronouncing his name, which somehow makes it better.
this is amazing: http://www.gq.com/entertainment/movies-and-tv/201107/michael-bay-oral-history
lots of leboeuf in there, e.g.:
"It was probably the worst argument I’ve ever had with a co-worker—under a spaceship, screaming at him, “You motherfucker!” All this insanity. Really crazy stuff that I don’t feel comfortable repeating, actually. Really gnarly.”
also Shia almost getting his eye poked out with a spear on the set of Transformers, and Michael Bay sinking to his knees, weeping, with his hands covering his face, and Shia being like "that's when I knew he really loved me"
@dracula's ghost Aww it's like he thinks what he does is *important*.
Every time I see M. LeBoeuf on film, I want to take a gas-station squeegee to his forehead to separate that thick film of oil and his skin. Aren't there on-set professionals for this sort of thing?
@bigtimebruiser WORD
These deals happen in back rooms with cigar smoke and levels of power we can't even fathom. I'm pretty sure Matt, Ben and Project Greenlight were also there.
@scully It's great that you're the one making this comment because the whole time I was just picturing Spielberg as The Smoking Man from the X-files, wearing his suit in a dark corner.
Life in LA has really exposed me to the odd nature of "The Industry" which is like this constantly churning machine. No matter what you do, you will bump into the machine at some point. Celebrity is just a matter of hitting the right angle and getting caught in the gears. There's no rhyme or reason- rewards fall indiscriminately on the talented and beautiful as well as the hacks. The only thing that matters is that the machine keeps grinding and grinding and grinding.
shia leboeuf was great as the injured mascot on freaks & geeks, amirite? guys?
@so what? so good
@so what? definitely.
I am SO glad someone is bringing this up. I wrote 4,000 words yesterday about the abomination Transformers 3, and a good 500 of those words were dedicated to trying to make sense of whatever demonic pact Shia LeBlah made to achieve his levels of success. I can think of few people in the world I hate more. I am, admittedly, irrational about Shia but he makes no sense and there are dark, nefarious powers at work here. The way he just casually suggested that he engaged in some sort of hanky panky with Megan Fox is so crass to me. I don't know if they did or did not consort nor do I care but Megan has David Silver and it just offends my soul that Shia thinks he could even register on her radar. David Silver is everything.
Shializa DooliBeouf
This is amazing! I was JUST saying the same thing (albeit a lot less wittily) yesterday. Why is Shia LaBeouf? Why is he?
@so what? definitely.
(Do we think the same thing about Apatow and James Franco?)
(No?)
(Just me?)
@millicent I kind of don't get the James Franco thing at all, and I tend to not find Apatow films all that funny. Which is maybe because I don't have a sense of humour, I don't know. But James Franco…I just want to tell him to stop. Is that bad? (Sidenote: someone who deserves way more credit than he gets, in my opinion? Paul Rudd. I just feel like he needs to be in everything, ever.)
Personal confession time:
I had a crush on Shia in the Even Stevens days. I guess that would have been around 2001/2002? I thought he was cute and hilarious and I was madly in love with him. I was 18, I think he was about 14 at the time, so I was ashamed.
I still think he's cute (hush). I don't think he's a horrible actor (hush). I am ashamed further.
@Kelley Pounders@facebook : I feel your shame. I think he's cute-ish, which is often more appealing than GQ-Model-Beautiful-Perfect. And he's certainly no worse an actor than fully half the other assembly-line-manufactured bipedal products gracing our screens. Used wisely, he's a suitably engaging and likeable Everybro.
@collier Everybro is my new favourite expression, I've just decided.
@collier Yeah, it's like that. Everybro. The perfect word to describe Shia.
Watch out! Shiantologists are notoriously vicious!
I don't know what to tell you — some of us just love Shia. I would watch him in anything, and be all, "That movie sucked, but Shia was awesome and cute and funny as always." My theory is that I was a nanny during the years his Disney television show was popular, and thus I became somehow mired in his sassy child star charms for all time.
The first time I saw Mr. Lebeouf he was hosting SNL (!). I said Who the fuck…? And my son told me what little he knew of the lad. I remember being repulsed by his large nostrils and silly name. But later I saw him in a couple of dumb action flicks and thought, he's not THAT bad. But obviously I was duped. Duped, I tell you! By this nefarious plot to make him a Star.
I've been saying this for years: he's our generation's Steve Guttenberg.